2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 10 - And the Move-In Meltdown - full transcript

Care for a cupcake?

Well, our new
outdoor seating area

is about as popular
as Paula Deen at an NBA game.

How much longer do we
have to be out here?

We are cold.

So, so cold.

I can see my breath.

And my boys are up
by my rib cage.

I can smell his breath.

And my boys are up by
where my boys used to be.

And these customers
aren't helping.

How could we have thought
a strong Han presence

would make it more popular?

Max, in hindsight,

it feels like us not springing
for those heat lamps

was a bad call.

Uh, you think?

Guys, I just peed
a little to keep warm.

Well, I peed a little

'cause I had no choice.

Great, they're stuck
to the bench.

Go get the windshield
scraper.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ♪

Reading Us Weekly, Earl?

Ooh, "Stars.
They're just like us."

Well, if they're just like us,
where's the picture

of them turning their
underwear inside out?

Caroline left it
in the men's room.

And as I said
that out loud,

I realized that I must have
been in the ladies' room.

I can't see, Max.

Max, I've got
some exciting news!

Eh, I vowed I'd never get
excited about anything again

after that last
Indiana Jones.

I found us two discount
heat lamps on Sherry's list.

It's like Craigslist, but
without the high probability

of being murdered by
a deranged medical student.

And about those lamps?

Uh, no.

We can't worry about
our outdoor business.

We barely have
an indoor business.

And we never will,
with that attitude.

I'm gonna ask you
one more time:

please listen to those
Tony Robbins tapes

we found in the garbage.

Well, girls,

tomorrow's the day
I've been looking forward to

for three years.

You're getting your
teeth cleaned?

Sorry, that's what's we've
been looking forward to.

I'm moving in
with Sophie.

From now on, the booty call is
coming from inside the house.

I couldn't help
but overhear.

From way back there?

Your ears should give a pep talk
to the other parts of your body.

And, Oleg, if you need
any help with the move,

might I offer
my services?

My trainer Skylar says
I'm getting ripped.

Yeah, ripped off
by Skylar.

Thanks, Han.

And as a bit of a payback,

I'll wash my hands
back here tonight.

See you later, neighbors.

Oleg's moving in?

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

And I lost $2 billion.

What is the problem?
This is all good news.

Sophie an Oleg
are in love.

Yeah!

And they'll be in love

on our stairs,

in our hallway,

and on every surface
of the laundry room.

What do you know about love
anyway, Christian Single?

I know Jesus
has a girl for me.

He has to.

I'm $400 deep into
that damn website.

Look, we just make a pact

that no matter
what happens upstairs,

or on the stairs
or in the laundry room,

we don't invite it
into our apartment.

Hey, everybody!

Oh! Brr!

It's raining cats
and goats out there.

Don't you mean
"cats and dogs"?

Oh, it's so nice to be corrected
as you walk in the door.

Hey, baby.

Can you believe in 24 hours
we'll be living in sin?

Oh, don't worry.

My parents don't know.

I'm having a dinner party
tomorrow night to celebrate.

And also because I have
15 pounds of beef

that's about to go bad.

So, Max, Caroline,
are you in?

Actually, Sophie,
we're busy--

We'll be there.

If there's beef involved,
I'm involved.

What happened to the pact
we just made?

I hate to tell you this--

if it comes down
to you or beef,

I'm always going beef.

[baby cries]

[laughs]

That was Sherry
from Sherry's list.

She makes you
call her that.

She said she's consider
charging us $150

if we pick up the heat
lamps themselves.

And I'm charging you with
three counts of interrupting

this "Baby in a Faulty
High Chair" video.

[thudding]

[Oleg groans]

[laughs]
Someone fell in real life!

(Oleg)
You told me you had it.

(Han)
I said I didn't have it.

It's Oleg and Han
moving in.

Get away from the door!

Han will see your feet
under the door.

They're right at
his eye level.

This is like a horror movie--
Saw III.

Because when Han bent over,

I saw 3 inches
of his crack.

So you saw
his whole crack?

[pounding on door]

Step away!

(Oleg)
Open the door, Max.

I'm about to kill Han,

and I know you're
gonna want to see that.

Damn it!
He's right.

Cute outfit, Han.

Like one of those
male strippers

from "No Thunder
From Down Under."

This is so heavy.

Oleg, what do you
have in here?

Socks!

Really, Han,

It's like your arms are
only there for decoration.

To be fair,
Oleg's socks

probably have some pretty
heavy loads in them.

Oleg, what is all your
junk doing out here?

Do I actually smell
girls screaming?

I bring things up,
Sophie says "No,"

I bring them
right back down.

Is there no elevator
up in this bitch?

Oleg, you forgot
your painting,

and this one's
a definite "No."

Sophie, I haven't
gotten a "Yes" yet,

aside from the quickie we had
up against the bathroom sink.

Not such a quickie.

They locked me out and I had
to eat my lunch in the truck.

Then what was the point
of me renting a moving truck?

I mean, besides the rough sex
we had up against the sides?

They locked me outside on the
side of the road for that one.

Okay, well, we have
to go back in.

See you tonight
at the beef-a-thon.

No, Oleg.

Maybe I'm being unfair.

I mean, you have all
this stuff that you like,

and they have
an apartment.

Put it in there.

Sophie!

I'll see you at 8:00!

So what do you say,
girls?

Absolutely not--

Yes.

Max, there's a method
to my madness.

Oleg, will you
excuse us a second?

And maybe help Han
with that box.

In those shorts, I can actually
see a hernia happening.

I thought we weren't
getting involved!

If we help Oleg out,

he'll let us use
the moving truck

to pick up
our heat lamps.

I already said
"No" to those.

But we just
talked about it!

I wasn't listening!

That baby fell face-down
into mashed potatoes.

But you said "Yes"
to the dinner party,

so if you get your meat,
I get my heat.

Just because you rhyme
doesn't make it okay.

And I'm pretty sure that's what
Rihanna said to Chris Brown.

Where are we meeting this
chick with the heat lamps?

I haven't gone this far
for something I didn't want

since Planned Parenthood
moved to New Jersey.

Hello!

I'm getting
truck sick back here.

You're a worse driver than
people assume I am.

Come on! Come on!

We're gonna be
late to dinner!

Would any of you
be interested in playing

rock-paper-scissors
for a seat up front?

(both)
No!

Girls, can I ask you
a relationship question?

(both)
No!

And besides, what would we
know about relationships?

That's like asking
Donald Trump

for the name
of a good hairstylist.

I mean, what's
the deal with her?

She asks me to move in,

and then won't even
let me have my painting?

I mean, Sophie
already bought the cow.

She might as well
let the cow's crap in.

So you're saying
I'm right.

No, no,
but I do think--

No, you don't think,

or your mouth wouldn't
be moving right now.

I'm just saying,

he has the right
to move some of his stuff

into Sophie's apartment
and out of ours.

Speaking of his stuff,

there's something
in a box back here

is humming, and--
oh, it stopped.

[buzzing]

Oh, it started again.

That's my lifelike mouth
with authentic jaw action.

Oleg,
watch the road!

The last words I hear
can't be "lifelike mouth."

Everything looks
very nice, Sophie.

Yeah, see,

I'm not gonna talk until
the other guests arrive.

I got to save my hostess
sparkle for the real guests.

Hey, baby.

Where the hell
have you been?

That was a pretty
loud sparkle.

It's my fault
we're late, Sophie--

It's okay.
Just sit down.

Don't you want
to know what I was--

No, really.

I got a pot roast over here

that's a hell of a lot
more interesting.

Max, thank God
you're here.

There was so much
awkward silence,

I pretended I got a phone call
from a banana.

I'm gonna take
a quick shower.

Oh, Oleg,
Dinner is ready.

You don't have time
to run down to the "Y" now.

No, I meant I would
shower here.

Here...

In my bathroom?

Uh...

Yeah.

I live here now.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Imagine that.

Hey, Oleg, why don't you
just come over here

and sit next to Earl?

Because he's old and I'm sure
his smeller is shot.

Sophie, you really must write
a "how to entertain" book.

Here we go:

Grandma Chinkski's
pot roast.

This looks amazing.

I love a root vegetable
in the winter.

Can it ever just be
about me?

♪ Beef, beef, beef ♪

♪ B-beef, b-beef, beef ♪

What?
That's my beef song.

[glass clinking]

I'd like to make a toast
to Sophie.

Oh, that's sweet.

But not with that glass.

That's Grandma Chinski's
crystal.

Baby, I was in the middle
of a toast.

Oh, I'm sorry, but...

those are my
favorite thing!

Grandma Chinski traded two
of my slow cousins for those.

Well, you know,
it's funny.

I have a favorite thing too.

In fact, why don't I
just go and get it?

[gasps]
I can't believe it.

I'm about to meet
Lon Anderson!

Can someone help me
lift up my fork?

My arms are still
sore from the move.

Open up.

Someone else
has to feed Han.

He just licked
my pinky.

Earl, what are you
doing over there?

Just hanging out
with R&B sensation,

Mary J.-juana.

Oh, good.

So you're in the right mind-set
to hand-feed a 30-year-old man.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I think that's Polish
for "No."

Uh-huh.
Yes, Sophie.

It's my painting.
Excuse me--our painting.

And it's going up
on our wall.

Is it me,

or is this party
tense as hell?

I don't think Sophie and Oleg
are gonna make it.

Uh-oh. Am I talking
out loud right now?

I told you, I don't want
that thing in here.

I don't understand.
It's just a painting.

What's so bad about it?

Oh, my God.

Nice, huh?

I did it myself.

It's a paint-by-numbers.

You mean
it's a Putin-by-numbers.

Why are his nipples
so big?

They don't seem
that big to me.

Oh, I am too high
for this.

I'm not high enough.

In my culture, big nipples
mean power and wealth.

In our culture,
big nipples means,

"Wears a t-shirt
in the pool."

There.

I like it.

Adds a certain
something to the room.

Every wall needs nipples.

So a guy knows
where to look.

Thank you for telling me
to do this, Caroline.

She did?

I'd get up and run,
but my legs are like taffy.

Seriously,

you told him
to hang that thing up?

In fairness,
I had not seen the painting

when I suggested
something like that.

I mean, I get it.

It's gorgeous.

But it doesn't
go with the décor.

What?

Is it throwing off this
gorgeous outdoor-indoor swing?

I'll cut you with
the carving knife!

Nobody is cutting anyone.

Especially not me.

Do you never learn?

Just put some beef
in your napkin like I did,

and let's get out
of here.

Sophie, you asked me
to move in.

Guess what?
I moved in.

Yes, I asked you
to move in,

but not with big
weird-nipple Putin.

Well, how big are
nipples supposed to be?

'Cause--never mind.

And what's your
problem anyway?

I gave you a drawer.

This!

This is my drawer.

What good is this?

I can't even get one
of my ball gags in there.

You asked for a drawer,
I gave you a drawer!

And who needs
12 ball gags anyway?

Oh, so now
you don't like ball gags?

Who are you, lady?

I'll tell you who I am--

I'm the lady who's "Putin"
this is the trash!

You trash that,
I'll trash this.

Oh, no.

Oh, you think
you're gonna break

one of Grandma Chinski's
glasses?

No, if anyone's gonna break one,
it's gonna be me!

[glass shatters]

This reminds me of the first
half of my second marriage,

and the second half
of my third marriage.

Sophie, I'm done.

And as you said to me
on our first date,

"I don't know how much more
of this I can take."

Fun party.

Not awkward at all.

I should get going though.

Got to be up early for--
what's a thing?

Church?

♪ Beef, beef, beef ♪

♪ B-beef, beef, beef, beef ♪

Sorry about that
dinner party last night.

It kind of got away
from me a little bit.

But I really appreciate
you getting up early

and helping me move
Oleg's stuff back.

I just actually feel like
this is a little bit my fault--

Seriously!

Can it ever just be
about me?

Hey, um,

where are we taking
his stuff anyway?

I don't think Goodwill
will take a love seat

that's actually
covered in love.

Well, I was thinking,

you know,
since Oleg and I

really did have
something special,

I was thinking I would
just take his stuff

and dump it
down by the river.

Okay,
I'm just gonna say it--

Sophie, would it kill you

to just let Oleg
hang the damn painting?

[tires screeching]

[horns honking]

So what,
you just park the truck

in the middle of
the Van Wyck Expressway?

Do you never learn?

I almost ate Rent-A-Truck
floor mat.

Caroline,
you get this straight--

Oleg was wrong.

And those nipples
were way too big.

This is awkward.

You're in the truck?

No, you're in
my apartment.

[tires screeching, thud]

I think something
hit us.

You guys just need
some couples therapy.

I'll mediate it,

since I've had
therapy myself.

Not as a couple,
but hopefully someday.

I'm just sitting here waiting
for the tow truck to come.

How's your neck, Max?

Not so bad.

The second car that hit us
kind of knocked

what the first car knocked
out of place back in place.

I'll start.

This woman is a fraud
and a liar.

(Caroline)
Okay, well,

we need a little more Oprah,
a little less Jerry Springer.

Hey, don't dis Springer.

They have great snacks
in the green room.

You were on Jerry Springer?

Yeah, I was on
"I hate my roommate

and I don't know
how to tell her."

Oleg and I are not gonna
talk this thing out.

If you want
to waste your time,

go teach in an inner city
high school.

You know what?
Even better--

I'll do the talking
for Oleg.

Oh, then, Max--
you be me, okay, Max?

Oh--I don't know if--

Do you want the rest
of the beef, or not?

This guy is a bum,
and the painting has to go.

It's stupid.

Really, really good, Max,

but next time just arch your
back a little, and, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, you be me.

No, I don't feel like getting a
threatening erection right now.

But I will say, anytime
people move in together,

it's a compromise.

Look at Max--

when I needed a place to stay,
she let me have my horse.

Let me just say--and I
brought this up on Springer--

I only let you in
because of the horse.

And I finally stopped
putting up a fight

and let Max
walk around naked.

When did that happen?

Tomorrow.

Oh, Oleg,

I wouldn't want you to give up
walking around naked.

I mean, as long as you don't
sit down on anything white.

Makes sense.

Nobody likes a chocolate
starfish on an ottoman.

Point, Sophie.

Ha!
I'm winning, everybody!

Well, it's therapy.

There are no
winners and losers.

Sounds like something
a loser would say.

You know, Oleg,

this isn't about that
silly little painting.

It's just, uh,

a lot of change
in a short amount of time...

(whispers)
I'm so scared.

Sophie,

I don't care about my stuff,
as long as I have you.

What did we just do?

We had them apart, and now we
just put them back together.

You did that.

You don't know
when to butt out.

Jerry's words.

[cash register bell dings]