2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 6 - And the Piece of Sheet - full transcript

All right, I closed out
the cupcake register.

Here is our rent money.

Give me back the envelope, though,
'cause it's also my jewelry box.

No, I closed out the register.
I have our rent money.

Max, do you know
what this means?

Unless I was hit in the head
by a piece of farm equipment,

it means we have extra money.

I wanna do
the extra money dance,

but we don't have one because
we've never had extra money!

The only extra money dance
I know involves ping-pong balls

and I'm really
out of practice.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Earl, I brought you
your favorite.

A half-black, half-Chinese
belly dancer?

A coconut cupcake.

Look at Caroline
over there.

She's flirting harder
with him

than I flirt
with heart disease.

Stop, stop! I'm only
on episode two of season one.

I will kill you!

Then...
To be continued.

Oh! It's gonna be continued...

Well, then,
we will continue this...

When we continue this.

If that's your game, you're gonna
be living with me forever, Fran.

He's been in my section three nights
in a row for the Turkey Club.

I'm calling him
"the Turkey Club cutie".

I'm calling
poison control.

I think he's getting ready
to ask me out.

He wanted to know if I live around
here and what time I get off.

If a man's gonna wait
for you to get off,

he's a keeper.

So...

See you next time.

I will see you next time
as well.

Bye.

- What's that?
- I don't know. How would I know?

Because it came out
of your head...?

I don't have
hair extensions, Max.

- Okay, I'll throw it out.
- No! I'll keep it for this story!

What story?

The story about how we found

a blonde hair extension
out of nowhere that night.

It's hilarious!

Well, it's already funnier
than most of your stories.

Oh, look, there's another
hilarious story!

Okay, Max, I have
a confession to make.

I have hair extensions.

I also have a confession
to make.

I murdered a man
in Rhode Island.

I just have a few.
It gives me volume.

Too bad it doesn't
give you depth.

Now I have to go and try
and reattach these.

These weaves
are supposed to last.

This is unbe-weave-able!

I found this
in the lettuce.

Any sign of a NuvaRing in there?
'Cause I can't find mine.

Caroline's losing her hair,
isn't she?

Is she sick?
Does she have cancer, The Big "C"?

No, Little You.

She doesn't have The Big "C".
She barely has the double "A's".

- Han found more of your hair.
- He knows about the extensions?

No, he thinks you have cancer.

Oh, good!
So no one knows.

Hola, ladies!
Your night just got sexier.

Luis, you punched out hours ago.
What are you doing here so late?

On your way homo?

Good one, hooker!

No, I'm between clubs.
Circus just became a straight club,

and Satellite doesn't become
a gay club for a half hour.

So... I'm here to have a cocktail
with my bro Oleg.

Luis, we told you.
Oleg is straight.

Oh, please!
So am I in Alabama.

Well, he left already.

But I told him I was gonna stop by.
Typical man. Fear of intimacy.

Oh, Carolina,
while I'm here...

This is yours.
I found it during my shift.

- Ooh, tips from my tables?
- More like hair from your head.

I knew this was all too good to be true.
You have extensions.

No, I have cancer.

No, you have extensions.
Good try. Later!

Hey.
Notice anything different?

I took some of the extra money
and got new hair extensions.

And I also got you a surprise.
I put it in your room. Go look!

I'm not interested
unless it's a potbelly pig

or a potbelly pig
in a pilgrim costume,

or a pilgrim in a potbelly
pig costume, or just pot.

Hint, hint. I put it on your bed.
What do you think? Do you love?

Okay...
Why is all this crap on my bed?

- And what the hell is it?
- That's a bed skirt.

My bed doesn't wear skirts.
It's a dude!

I know, because it pokes me
in the back while I'm asleep.

I got you new bedding, and me
some cute new flannel jammies.

They have Eiffel Towers
on them.

They were marked down because
everybody hates French people.

These don't even have stains!

How am I gonna know
which is the top now?

Max, what's the problem?
You've had those old sheets forever.

- You don't even have a spare set.
- A spare set of sheets?

Who am I,
the Queen of England?

You're so frustrating,
I'd pull my hair out...

But I'm not sure
which of it is mine.

Look! Look!
Are you happy?

Chestnut's upset.
He knows we're fighting.

Good! He should know that if
he goes out for a bag of chips,

he could come home to find
you replaced his saddle with a thong.

I got you a present.
Would you be this angry at Santa Claus?

Who's that?

Max, please. Just for a change,
try sleeping on something nice.

Fine!

But if I wanted to sleep
on something nice,

I would have hooked up
with that guy who moved home

to take care
of his sick mother.

Watch your back, Chestnut.

Watch your back.

Where are my old sheets,
bitch?

Why?

Why are you calling me a "bitch"
at night?

I was sleeping
in my new jammies.

Well, I can't sleep
without those sheets.

So where are they?
I checked all your drawers.

And by the way, who hides
their vibrator in a Starbucks cup?

You already know the answer,
so I'm going back to sleep.

Whoa, whoa!

Why!

Why am I on the floor
in my new jammies?

Where are they?

I don't have them.
I gave them to the poor.

You took them
from the poor!

And the poor
wants them back.

Well, it's too late. I put them
in the Salvation Army donation bin.

Well, get up.
You're going to the army, bitch.

Whyyyy?

Why are we here
in the middle of the night?

What are we doing?

Here it is.
Come on, follow me.

Max, is this
where you kill me?

'Cause I always knew it was gonna
happen, I just didn't know when.

This feels right though.

I should kill you.

Those sheets were
really special to me, okay?

Oh, did you lose
your virginities on them?

I don't have sex in beds.
That's where I eat.

Caroline,
I have a confession.

- What is it?
- You have hair extensions.

Okay, I'll tell you,
but look away.

It's the pillowcase.
I've had it since I was a kid.

It's like soft and nubby and it had
this edge that I'd like... rub,

and it relaxed me when things
were crappy, which was all the time.

I guess I still need that pillowcase
to sleep, or whatever.

- Max, that's so sad.
- Of course it's sad!

When has it ever been
a happy tale?

All right,
I need to crawl in here.

Max, you're just gonna crawl
into that dirty box?

We don't know where
that bin's been.

By the way, "dirty box" was my
nickname in continuation school.

I need help. Would you rather
I step on your back or your head?

My head? Hardly.
Not at these prices.

- Come on, gimme ten fingers.
- I already did.

Behind your back
while we were walking here.

No, like this,
so I can step into it.

- You know, like a finger basket.
- Finger basket...?

Is that another nickname
of yours?

No, but for one summer,
it could've been.

Forget this, just let me
pull this stuff over.

Eww, eww, eww, eww, eww.

Max, I feel like we're not even
acknowledging our low points anymore.

Okay, Max,
now be very careful.

And on the count of...

Wow! You could've been
a great gymnast,

if you'd had money, coaches,
and a breast reduction.

Are you okay?

Max?

Gonna need
some voice contact.

I'm not in here alone.

What do you mean
you're not alone?

I'm not in here alone.

Stay calm!
I will get you out of there.

No, I won't.

I'm looking
for a lever on the inside.

Get outta my house!

OK, I just wanna check and see
if you're on my pillowcase.

Max, no!
I need my sweet sheets!

Let it go. If your sheets are under
there, they're no long sweet.

Get outta my house!
And close the door!

Okay! Okay!

God, Sheez.
You'd think we'd slept together.

What am I gonna do?
I can't sleep without those sheets!

I'm so angry at you!

I'd be even angrier if I hadn't
found this great bra.

Why are you going to Sophie's
if you're trying to sleep?

She's the loudest person
we know.

Even black people at the movies
tell Sophie to be quiet.

I am going to Sophie's
to get a sleeping pill.

Or as she likes to call them,
"night candy".

You don't need a pill.

Listen, I have a great sleep technique
that my sleep coach taught me.

I have slept with
my fair share of coaches,

and if anything,
they kept me awake.

Max, it's 3:00 A.M.

Any normal person
is sleeping right now.

Hi, girls.

Just doing a puzzle
and listening to Elvis.

You two want a Mai Tai
before you get too Ty-Ty?

No, thanks,
but speaking of Ty-Ty,

I was hoping I could snag
one of your sleeping pills.

Oh, sure, I can hook you up.
I never use them.

I only need three hours
of sleep at night

and six during the day.
Come on.

Sophie...

Notice anything new?

Oh! Yeah!

You planted more hair
on your head.

I heard.

Max! You told her?

No, it was on CNN.

They led with Syria, and then
did a solid five on your hair.

Here we go...
Pills and spices!

You have a spice rack
full of pills?

You gotta cook me dinner
sometime.

Let's see.

Fish oil, penicillin,
amoxicillin...

Skittles.

Oh, and this is
my German pill

in case they release the bombs
or I'm ever abandoned in space.

Here you go, Max.
Nighty-night.

Oh, you know what?

What the hell!
I'm gonna have one two.

It's a slumber party!

Uh-oh.

Oh, now you got another
rack full of pills.

Oh, you know what?

Don't wait for me, Max.
This might be a while.

Max, do you really need
to take that?

People do weird things
on sleeping pills.

My friend Candice Travelstead
buttered a wallet and tried to eat it.

Don't worry,
I don't have a wallet.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute.

Is that the sleeping pill,

or is that my emergency
space pill that kills you?

Either way,
I'll get some shut-eye.

Max, no! You are not gonna die
and leave me here alone.

I still don't know how to go East
on the "L" train without a chaperone.

Max, it's 3:30 A.M.,

and sleep coach Caroline here
will have you asleep by 3:45 the latest.

You're supposed to be taking
a hot bath.

I was, but when I put the stopper in,
something pushed it back out again.

Where's that pill?

I've got it on my person,

and if this doesn't work
I'll give it to you.

Oh, I'll go elbow-deep for that pill.
And don't think I won't.

Max, meet your new sheets.

New sheets, meet...

Don't make me meet the sheets.
I'm not a mental patient.

If I was, I'd be living
in a much nicer place.

And all my pillowcases
would have edges.

Wow, even your pillowcase
had an edge.

What was it like anyway?

It was kinda like
the end of your new PJ's,

but not the queerest thing
I've ever seen.

A candle?
What are we, witches?

Now, imagine yourself
in a relaxed, beautiful place.

Breathe in and out.

In and out.

Look, if there's one thing
old finger basket know how to do

it's in and out.

- Gimme the pill.
- I'm not finished yet.

But just so you know,

that pill has changed colors
three times in the last hour.

So it's either deadly,
or an everlasting gobstopper.

I am so mad at you.
You took my one thing.

That pillowcase was
my one special thing.

In my whole life of people
taking things away from me,

that was the one thing
no one took,

and now I'm never
gonna sleep again.

And I love sleeping.

Dreaming is the closest thing
I have to cable TV.

Enough, Max!

I've been very patient with
this weird attachment you have

to this little piece of sheet.

You're a piece of sheet.

Listen, if I learned anything
when I lost everything,

it's that, "A,"
there's no wiggle room

when it comes to cottage cheese
expiration dates,

and "B," you can't get
attached to material things.

Oh! Okay, Extensions.

What does that mean?

It means that your material things
are literally attached to your head.

Not the same thing at all.

Your dependency on that pillowcase
is all in your head, you don't need it.

Oh. You don't need this.

You owe me $14. Ah!

Run a tab.

I'm not about to sit here
and take this abuse

because you have an unhealthy
attachment to a pillowcase.

Good night, Malibu Barbie.

I hope you're not trying to insult me,
because she's gorgeous!

And for the record, I do not have
an unhealthy attachment to my hair.

Oh, really...?

You're a monster!

I'm sorry, I can't sleep.

- I'll be fine. Just give me the pill.
- No! It's all in your head!

Go to sleep!

I tied the doorknob to my bed with a rope
and locked all the bedroom windows.

Are you trying to hurt me
or turn me on?

Brace yourself, Earl.

When Max gets here, she will
not be in a good mood.

Caroline, if I wanted to work around people
in a good mood, I'd go work at Google.

She hasn't slept
since yesterday

and is furious because I won't
give her a sleeping pill.

Smart move. Sleeping pills mess you up.

I took one once,

woke up a day later on the roller
coaster ride in Coney Island.

I love roller coasters.

Me too,
when I'm in a seat.

Oh, hello!
How are you two tonight?

Oh, no. She's nice.
She must've gotten a pill somewhere.

No. No pills.
Just had some clarity.

Follow me, please.

Oh, okay. Did you smoke
or snort this clarity?

Now, since you were nice enough
to get me new sheets,

I got you something in return.
Here.

Oh, is this like an apology,
thank you kind of thing?

Now watch. This is how
one graciously accepts a gift.

What the hell is this?

A wig?

Either that or you scalped
a lesbian from the '80s.

Yep, I grabbed her bolo tie and
climbed up on her shoulder pads.

You took away
my security thing...

The pillowcase...

So now I'm taking away your
security thing... your hair.

You can wear that
on your head tonight

and then tell me again
how this is all in my head.

Did you have to get
the ugliest one they had?

What do you want
for 37 cents?

Fine! I'll put this roadkill
on my head

just to prove to you that I am
so much more than my hair.

I am my attitude, my spirit,
my brain, my bravery.

- Put it on.
- Max, I'm scared.

Go.
The bangs go in the back.

That's my kinda woman.

Cobb salad, pick-up!

Uh... hey, Sophie.

Are you here
for the mafia widow discount?

Earl, I'm incognito.

I'm making a drug drop
for Max.

Hey, Max!
I got your drugs!

Thanks.

And I love that you have an outfit
for everything I ask you to do.

Where's the blonde narc,
Max?

Oh, my God!

Did Caroline join
a bowling team?

Max! No!

Aw, crap! Rod Stewart
just busted us.

Let her have some fun.
What's the big deal, square?

The big deal is that Max
thinks she needs these pills

because I threw away
her blankie.

It was a pillowcase,
and I need it to sleep.

She has to rub it.

In Poland, I had this little
thing that I liked to tickle

before I went to sleep.

But my aunt threw it away.

What was it?

My cousin Nora.

Give me the pills.

Nope. And, Max, you were wrong.
See? I'm not attached to my hair.

In fact,
I am loving my new look.

Am I a single mom
trying to keep it simple?

Am I an assistant D.A.
in over my head?

Or am I Charlize Theron
in The Jon Bon Jovi Story?

Maybe, and I'm fine with it.
'Cause I am not my hair.

Oh, my God, Turkey Club cutie!
Hide me!

On your knees in a bad wig.

Listen, girl,
I've been there.

No, I just don't
wanna be seen.

Caroline, Caroline, I love you,
but I can't hear anymore.

That hair was hard enough
to look at in the '70s.

Fine! You were right,
I was wrong.

Now help me get this off.
He can't see me like this.

That's right,
gimme the pills.

Max, no. You don't need them.
We don't know where they've been.

Fine!

I'm going home
to try to sleep.

Since this is all your fault,
you can finish my shift.

You're on your own, lady who lived
across the street from Al Bundy.

I gotta say, I'm pretty
impressed I can do this.

It's not so hard. I don't know what
Chanice is always bitching about.

I guess that's who she is.

I can't believe
I still haven't slept.

I'm gonna be awake forever.

It's gonna be like that movie
Awakenings, but not at all.

Max, you can rub me.

Wow, that wig changed you.

No, here.

Rub the edge on the bottom of my
jammie top like it's your pillowcase.

No. If I rub the bottom of your
jammies, that would be my bottom.

Turkey Club cutie
didn't ask me out,

probably because my hair
was so messed up from the wig.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
It could've been your personality too.

You really think he only
liked you for your hair?

I only like me for my hair.

- Told you. You're attached to it.
- So attached to it!

Twirling it, tossing it,
flipping it.

Feeling it on my neck,
on my shoulders, on my back.

Caroline Channing without the option of
a sleek updo is not Caroline Channing.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I judged you for having
an attachment to something

when I'm no better.

And I'm sorry I got rid
of your sweet sheets.

Max.

Max...?

Night, Max.

Whyyyy?

Why can't I ever
have anything nice?