2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 5 - And the Cronuts - full transcript

Your waitress just went on break, and
I'm just someone who likes dressing

like a polyester hot dog, so I'll
take that whenever you're ready.

There you go.
No rush.

Okay, Mr. Rajeev Guttikonda.

I have to say, that's a pretty
Gutti scheme you got going there,

but I Guttikonda
don't believe it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you saying there?

What am I saying there, Boston?

I'm saying I believe you watched
Slumdog Millionaire

on a sticky couch
in your mom's basement,

but I'm not buying
that you're Indian.

So take your fake, East Boston,
Indian accent out of here,

or I'll call the cops.

Dude, stolen credit card,
and you choose to eat here?

That's the real crime.

Hey, Rajeev.

Rajeev, my man.

Rajeev Gudikanda.

You know what?
This one's on me.

[chuckles]
I have trust issues.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Season 3, Episode 5
"And the Cronuts"

That's weird. We still have
three Red Velvets left.

I guess that bulimic girl
didn't come in today.

No, she's here.
She's in the bathroom.

Hmm, if I save these for her,
would that be helping or hurting?

Hey, everybody.

Speaking of hurting,
here comes a pain in my ass.

Han, do you want the last Red Velvet?
The other two are for the bulimic girl.

I made the call.

No more cupcakes for me. I've been
on a juice cleanse for six days.

Han's on the prowl, and I got
to keep this body tight, son.

I'm in the dating pool,
you know.

Yeah, the shallow end.

You know those cleanses
never work, right?

Really?
Then how do you explain this?

I don't know. Am I supposed
to rub it and make a wish?

Not bad for having
three kids, Han.

What? You don't see
my abs coming in?

I see one large ab
coming in.

That's at least a two-pack.

Han, the real Tupac is more
alive than your two-pack.

I'm gonna give this last cupcake
away as a free sample.

My promotional tweets haven't
been getting much love lately.

What'd you say? I black out
whenever you use work words.

All I said was "promotional
tweets" and "sample."

What?

Here you go, ladies, a Max's
homemade cupcake on the house.

Nah, I'm cool.

I'm saving my calories for one
of those fabulous new cronuts.

Plus, cupcakes are so over.

Well, so is blossom, but...

It didn't stop you
from wearing that outfit.

- Those flower power skanks over there...
- "Flower Power skanks."

See, these are words
I recognize and hear.

Anyway, she said
she only cares about cronuts

and that cupcakes are over.

- Cupcakes are classic, right?
- Don't listen to them.

They're wearing
high-waisted jeans.

The only time I like
seeing women's jeans that high

is when I'm giving Han
a wedgie.

Also, what's a cronut?

Cronut is what we called
my Croatian cousin with one testicle.

He hung himself.

Okay, well, in America,
it's a half-croissant, half-doughnut.

They're on the news, Twitter, Instagram.
People can't stop talking about them.

If cronuts had tongues,
they'd be the Miley Cyrus of pastries.

You're right.
They sound stupid.

Stupid delicious.
Where can I get one?

You can only get them
at this one pastry shop in Soho,

and people start lining up
at 4:00 a.m.

Boy, times do change.

Back in the day, 4:00 a.m.
was when people would snort lines,

not stand in 'em.

Who has the time to wait in line
all day for a piece of lame pastry?

Hey, everyone.
I got a cronut.

I waited in line
for two whole days.

Sophie, you bought
into the hype too?

Oh, come on, you know your girl
Sophie is always on trend.

I was the first one
wearing crocs.

I brought the crocs craze
to America.

When I was rich, I sent 10,000 pairs
of crocs to children in Africa.

Why, to make them
less cool?

Look, girls, here I am
in the cronut line.

And here I am still in line.

Oh, and... oh, and here I am
riding a baby elephant.

And here I am
eating a cronut.

Max, as stupid as it is,
we've got to go over there.

We need to figure out
what they have that we don't.

Oh, I'll tell you
what they have.

Cronuts.

Oh, my god.
Look at this line.

I knew we should have gotten here sooner,
but, no, I had to be a good person,

I had to carry that torso man on the
skateboard up the subway stairs.

All this is for a croissant
and a doughnut?

Those things
already existed.

Where was all the fanfare when
I combined the sleeping pill

with the morning after pill
and called it

the "sleep-through-
the-morning-after" pill?

How did these things
get so popular?

There's no science
to this trend stuff.

It's all decided by one bitchy gay guy
typing in his room, making it all up.

Well, then we have to do
some trend research.

We've got to figure out how to make Max's
homemade cupcakes the next cronuts.

I hate all these stupid trends.
Cleanses, cronuts, condoms...

Excuse me, sir,

My name's Caroline.
I'm a trend researcher.

I'm Chuck.
I sell magnets.

What made you want to spend
an entire day in line for cronuts?

I like croissants.
I like doughnuts.

I'm a fat guy.
It all adds up.

That's true.
You are a fat guy.

And there's a doughnut shop
right across the street.

So why don't you just
stop there, get a damn doughnut,

and save yourself the last 200 possibly
life-threatening steps to here?

Look, it's two things
I like put together.

End of story.

That's it, Max.
It's the two things together.

One thing
isn't enough anymore.

Yeah, that's why Oleg’s cousin
hung himself.

I'm serious.

When's the last time
you did just one thing?

Like, watch a movie without
playing a game on your phone?

Magic Mike.

Wait, does playing
with yourself count?

Come on, let's get
to the end of the line.

[scoffs] End of the line...?
That's for rookies.

I'm a line pro.

My mom and I waited in line for
food stamps, Bob Seger lawn seats...

We spent a Saturday
in the "guns for cash" line.

Now that's a line
you don't want to cut in.

Follow my lead.

Hey, man, cronut line.
What do you want to do after this?

[all shouting]

Okay, all right, all right.
Back of the line.

Everybody relax.

Guess my mom being topless had more
to do with my line skills than I thought.

Oh, great.
Look at the cronut line.

I told you
we should have left sooner,

but, no, you said
we had to stay at temple.

You're the rabbi.

Yeah, a career I was forced into because
someone wanted to write his memoir.

We get it, Garry.
You're adopted.

Move up, hon.
You gotta fill the gap.

I would if you would stop
trying to fill my gap.

What difference does it make?

You're still gonna have
the same amount of time to wait.

And then, in 30 years, we're all
gonna die from Wi-Fi cancer.

Okay, let's all
just take a breath.

It looks like we're
gonna be here for a while.

You know what? You're right.
Hi, I'm Jerri.

- And I'm Garry.
- I'm Jerri, he's Garry.

I'm tall, he's small.

Cute, right?
That's our thing.

I'm Caroline,
and this is Max.

That's it.
We don't have a thing.

- So what drew you here today?
- Oh, well, we're trend-chasers.

When something new hits,
we are on it

- ...like sea salt on dark chocolate.
- Hmm.

We did pinkberry, dippin' dots,
kale, quinoa, Kombucha...

All the ka's.
Just 'cause.

[laughter]

Can you tell
we don't have kids?

- She couldn't.
- Garry!

Actually, it's true, and you can
read all about it in his memoir.

It's called...
[snores]

You know what? Jerri, Garry.
I think we got too close too soon.

Maybe we need
a little space.

We got to move up in line
to get away from these people.

Should I just
take my top off?

- Next in line.
- [gasps] It happened!

- We made it to the front of the line!
- We're the front people!

Yeah, we're the front people!
Back people suck!

No, no, I said "back people,"
"back people."

Baruch Hashem.

We loved The Butler.

You know,
we've been through a lot.

Tempers flared,
things were said.

I'm fairly certain
that Dutch guy back there died.

But we made it,
and you guys are good people.

The sea salt of the earth.

- Who's next?
- (all) We are.

I can only take a party of two.
Are all four of you together?

- Nope.
- We don't know them.

- Guys...?
- Cut 'em loose, Gar.

All sold out.
We're closed.

I know you're driven mad
with the power of being

a doorman at a bakery,
but come on!

Max, you know what I want
more than anything?

To kill Jerri and Garry?
'Cause I'm totally on board.

No, I want our business
to have a line.

I want to sell out.

I want people to turn against
each other for our product.

Again, I could
just take my top off.

I know, and thank you.
We have that in our back pocket.

But I have an idea
we can try first.

I'm gonna use work words now,
so listen up, skank.

I'm listening.

I read
in The Wall Street Journal

that there's a whole black market
for cronuts on Craigslist.

Craigslist? Oh, no.

I don't want one bad enough to let some
guy lick my armpit for an hour again.

They're not for us.

We'll sell them at our window,
just to attract attention,

and then, when they sell out,
we'll effortlessly switch to cupcakes.

Classic bake and switch.

All that work
for some stupid fad?

I said "fad."

We loved
"Behind the Candelabra".

Try texting him again.
He's 15 minutes late.

You're really surprised
that a guy reselling pastries

in the "Rants and Raves" section
of Craigslist isn't the punctual type?

[knocking on window]

This is so exciting.

I've never bought anything
on the black market before.

I'm still afraid to go to that
Filipino market around the corner.

Are you the guy?

I don't know.
Are you the girl?

So far,
this musical sucks.

- What's the password?
- Cronut.

Was "1234"
already taken?

Meet us by the door.

Which is code for,
"Meet us by the door."

Which is code for,
"You're really bad at code."

Okay, let's talk about our plan.
It's a classic good cop/bad cop.

I'm gonna ask the guy for ten cronuts,
and he's gonna quote me 250.

Right, then I play bad cop
and act outraged.

And then I play good cop,
and we settle at 200.

Yeah, and don't worry about me.
I'll improve some good stuff on the spot.

Are you sure you don't
want to run it by me first?

I was in an improve group
at Wharton.

We were called
"The fun percent."

And I can imagine myself not laughing
with 99% of the audience.

Let's make it quick.

You're not the only girls
in town who want my nuts!

I assume you mean cronuts.

No, I'm also
a male prostitute.

Let's see the product.

She meant
the other baked goods.

You got to be clear.

Pretty maids,
all in a row.

Let mama get a taste.

That's pure.
How much for ten?

I know I said 250 earlier,
but...

Bullcrap!
150 or we walk, bitch!

Okay, let's all just calm down.
It's a really good deal, Max.

How about we settle at 200
and call it a night?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
About that.

I be getting mad offers
for these things tonight.

I actually got to raise it
to 300, or I walk.

Bitch.

Ooh, ow, ow,
ooh, your hands are cold.

What'd you call me?

- Nothing.
- That's what I thought.

She said 200. We'll pay 200.
And you'll take it.

You'll shove it in this hanes
her way hoodie you're wearing,

you'll say, "Thank you, Max"
and you'll hit the bricks, capisce?

Caroline, cash.

- Thank you, Max.
- What'd you say?

Thank you, Max!

I've got the chills now.
Do you guys serve tea?

How's that for bad cop?

Riveting. I felt like I was watching
SVU: Bakery edition.

Okay, here we go.
This is the last one.

You want this cronut?

Lift up your shirt
and let me see 'em.

Go get Han. I want to show him
what an ab is.

Max, you should see the line.
It's halfway down the block.

- We have a line. It's working.
- But what's gonna happen now?

I worked at Target the Christmas,
they ran out of Tickle me Elmo,

and... there was so much blood.

As planned, we'll just calmly
switch to our delicious cupcakes,

and then those'll sell out too
because they're that good.

Okay.

Attention, everyone.
Everyone, can I have your attention?

Actually, we are very sorry, but
we are now sold out of cronuts.

[all groaning]

We do, however,
have something even better...

Max's homemade cupcakes.

[all yelling]

All right, go!

Leave.
Chase your stupid trends.

But we're not worried!
Cupcakes are classic!

We're Audrey Hepburn!

Max, cupcakes are over.

And you know why? Because
cupcakes are just one thing.

If we had two things,
then we'd be something.

That does it.
I'm calling the dealer.

I don't think
we should order more cronuts.

Oh, no, I mean my drug dealer.
I need to take the edge off.

This sucks. I feel worse about myself
than I did when I dropped the torso man.

- What are you doing with those fries?
- I'm dipping 'em in frosting.

I do it when I'm depressed.

I went right from baby food
into fries in frosting.

Is it good?
It looks disgusting.

It is both.
Just taste it.

These are pretty good.

Sweet and salty.
Cupcakes and fries.

That's two things.

Cake fries.
We're millionaires.

My willingness to eat anything
finally pays off!

Wait, are you sure it's not
just us being desperate?

Like, when Adam Levine made
that music video in Brooklyn

and you walked past the set
all day in a wet tank top?

It can't hurt to put them
out there.

That's what you said
that day too.

- Just sit down for a second, Han.
- But this is the middle of a shift.

I'm gonna tell everyone you're
in the middle of a male-to-female shift

if you don't sit down.

All right.

You are here tonight
to taste the next big thing.

Okay, now you're just repeating
my pick-up lines back to me.

No, it's a new dessert, and we've
assembled the perfect focus group...

A black man, a pig,
and a health fanatic.

Y'all know who you are.

I suppose I have been
trying to eat better lately.

Hey, extra, extra!
Read all about it!

I'm bisexual now!

Oh, perfect, now we have
the LGBTQ community represented.

- What's the "Q"?
- Questioning.

And answered.

Hey, everybody.
Meet Veronica.

She's cute, she's black, she has
short blonde hair, she's exciting.

- And we met in Soul Cycle class.
- Yes, we did.

I slipped in her sweat
and she bought me a Luna bar.

Now?
Now you're bisexual?

Well, yeah, you got
to keep up with the trends.

Okay, focus group.
Let's focus.

This is our new product,
called Cake Fries.

Cute, right?

You just take a fry
from the left side,

dip it into the cupcake frosting
on the right,

and enjoy your sweet,
yet savory dessert.

Is this woman seriously trying
to teach me how to eat food?

Oh, no, this looks very fattening,
and I've been on a fast.

- One lick isn't going to kill you.
- Yeah, just ask Sophie.

Okay, one bite.

Now I don't want any of you
to hold back.

Be completely honest
in your criticism.

- Well, I feel like...
- Shut up, Han.

No, I was gonna say
this is very good.

Too good.

Uh-oh, look away, girls.
You've released the Kraken.

Damn.
That is tasty.

Now you may have
given me diabetes,

as I have just lost the feeling
in my left foot.

You know what, I think
I might be trisexual,

because I'm having a love affair
with these cake fries.

Oh, my gosh,
this is gross.

And it's very messy.

Oh, come on,
then what was earlier?

Okay, everyone,
this is all very helpful.

We're still
working some things out.

Uh-oh.
My tummy feels funny.

You mean your ab is hurting?

Han, your first food in a week
probably shouldn't have been

a fistful of fries
and frosting.

You know what, guys?
We've all worked hard today.

- Let's call it a night.
- But it's only 9:00.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Uh-oh. You don't want
to see that...

Look out!

Move it.
Move it or lose it.

Move it or I lose it.

Out of way, out of my way now!

Oh, dear...

This is more embarrassing
than when Han fell asleep

and Oleg drew a penis
on his face.

I traced that penis
on his face.

Now you dip the fries in the frosting,
but I find the best way to eat this

is to first make sure
you feel super empty inside.

Not gonna be a problem.

These are adorable.

Could you please
take a picture of me with it?

It's so cute.

And make sure
you hashtag that picture

"Max's homemade cake fries"
when you post it online.

A sad girl smiling
with our cake fries.

Once that hits iVillage, we'll be
knee-deep in canvas totes and cankles.

[Caroline laughing]
Here you go!

Sorry, that was our last cake fries.
We'll have more tomorrow.

- Wait. We sold out?
- We sold out!

Oh, my god!
We sold out!

Yes! I'm a sell-out!
Let's buy a helicopter!

Hi, girls.

Oh, hey, Sophie. We're sorry,
but we just ran out of cake fries.

Oh, that's fine by me.
I'm going back to the basics.

Cupcakes and penis.

Here's your cupcake.
We don't sell the other basic.

Mm...

You know,
it's nice to eat something

you don't have to compliment
every five minutes.

You know what, Max?

Cupcakes, cronuts,
cake fries, whatever.

We're gonna be successful because we have
the two things that really matter...

You and me.

We're kinda like cake fries.
I mean, salty and sweet.

- I'm sweet...
- And I've been assaulted.