2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 4 - And the Group Head - full transcript

Hi, how can I help you?
And by that I mean,

"What's the least
I can do to help you."

I'll have the burger with the fries.

She'll have it with the salad.

But I want the fries.

Ah, you want them,
but you don't need them.

Fine. The salad.

I have to pee.

- Hi, what's your name?
- David.

David, you should go.

I'm sorry?

You want her to have salad,
she wants you to have hair.

Neither one's
gonna happen tonight.

Yeah, it's not gonna work out
between you and French fries.

Oh, maybe it will
for a week or a year.

Depends if she was molested
as a kid.

But one of these days,
she's coming after you.

Probably in the dark,
probably with a knife.

And she's gonna cut off
one or both of your balls.

And you won't think
a side of fries matters

when you have zero balls.

She'll have the fries.

Yes, she will.

Look at us.

We saved another woman's dignity
and another man's balls.

Yeah, we're like dr. Phil
but more qualified.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Season 3, Episode 4
"And the Group Head"

Well, here I am, the owner,
waiting on tables.

Does Barack Obama unclog
the White House toilets?

What's wrong
with this picture?

Well, off the top of my head,
I ordered a coffee ten minutes ago,

and you still
haven't gotten it.

Hey, man,
I'm in the weeds here.

Well, if you got weed,
cancel the coffee.

Uh, ladies,
you're late.

And little man Tate over there
is in a mood.

Why, is he teething again?

Uh, hello.

You were supposed to be here
ten minutes ago.

In Korea, your heads would be
on sticks outside the Samsung factory,

and you would still
have to work.

There is no coffee prepped
for your shift.

F.Y.I., tiny dancer,

prepping coffee is
that lazy-ass day waiter's job,

So don't blame us.

It's not our fault you hired
an incompetent wait staff.

Hurry up.
You two need to make coffee.

And you need to hire
a new day waiter.

And maybe while you're getting
new things around here,

how about
a brand-new coffeemaker?

One that isn't
from an Edward Hopper painting.

Am I the only one
who's been to a museum?

Uh, excuse me.

I've been to the art section
of Bed, Bath & Beyond.

What if I told you I already
got you what you want?

A high-end
cappuccino machine?

Listen, blonde ambition. I know
you only want me to get one,

so you can use it
at your cupcake window.

How dare you? Unless you're
comfortable with that.

No, I meant
the new day waiter.

He's in the kitchen.
Go train the new guy.

What happened to the guy
we told you to fire? We loved him.

Okay, we'll go
train the new guy now.

But about that coffeemaker,
what if go halfsies with you?

We can't afford
to go halfsies.

We can't even go quarter-sies or
eight-sies or whatever's after eight-sies

Sixteenth-sies.

Shoot yourselves.

Did he say train
the new guy or new gay?

Hi, you must be
the new day waiter.

Ah, you must be the late girls
who are supposed to train me.

Yes, I'm Luis.

Did he say Luis
or Louise?

I'll be out in a minute. I have
to let this cream dry on my face.

Oh, I always wait for the cream to dry.
It's the polite thing to do.

I'm Max.

Oh, Max is funny.

Look at her.

Oh, funny to mask the pain.

I see you.

Oh, and you're both pretty.

Look at blondie.

What have you had done?

Oh, me?

Nothing, but thank you.

I'm Caroline.

Well, nice to meet you,
but we won't be friends.

I don't get attached.

All my life, I've been
a waiter, 27 years.

I've been a waiter 27 years too,
and I'm only 26.

And I don't get personal,
so don't ask me how old I am.

I am 53.

But my face is 5.

You look amazing.

I've only been waiting tables
two years.

My main focus
is our cupcake business.

We just opened
a walk-up window...

Honey, honey, I don't need
to know your life.

You don't need
to know mine.

Did my father put a gun in his mouth
at my seventh birthday party?

Yes, but I don't
bring that to work.

And I'm in love
with you.

Don't do that.

Don't fall in love
with me.

You know those gays
that don't like women?

I'm one of them.

Is that the theme song
from Sex and the City?

You know it is.

I'm a Charlotte.

So am I!
There's not a lot of us.

I'm all the dead girls
from American Horror Story.

Well, let's get this train
on the tracks.

Follow me, Charlotte.

I'm not giving up
on our cappuccino machine.

I'm gonna work Han hard
until he gives it to me.

Yes, I just heard
how that sounded.

Okay, Luis, here's
how the tables work.

We got the four-tops.
We got the two-tops.

- Are you a top?
- Oh, please.

No one is pushing
this $25,000 face into a pillow.

I'm ready to order.

Luis, why don't you
take that table?

It's part of your training,
and I don't want to.

Earl,
that's the new day waiter.

He's also
the new gay waiter.

Oh, I love the gays.

They turned an old crack house
in my neighborhood into a cheese shop.

I heard that cheese shop
has really good crack.

What's the soup
of the day?

What does it say
on the board?

And you're trained.

Max, Han said no,

and we need that
cappuccino maker for our shop

if we're ever gonna compete with
the Starbucks around the corner

or the other corner,

or the other corner.

Or the one that's currently
being built in my ass.

What?
It's prime real estate.

Everything else
in Williamsburg is taken.

Caroline, you need a cappuccino machine?
I can get you one cheap. I know a guy.

And if you need clean urine or
a micro pig, I also know that guy.

Oh, my god.
Who was that?

Oh, that's... that's Oleg.
He's the cook.

He is gorgeous.

I'm so excited.

Our new machine
will be here any minute.

Our lives are about to get
a lot more cappuccino-y.

Or should I say a latte
more cappuccino-y?

No, you should not
say any of that.

And as for that "special price""
Oleg said he'd give us?

In all my three-ways, I'm up
to bat first, and I don't kiss.

Ugh.

During the day,
it is hot in herrr.

Thanks for
the weather report, Ursher.

Here it is. Shut the windows
and shut up.

Well, this is starting
exactly like I imagined.

Shut it!

- Oleg, where did you get this?
- Shut up!

- Are those sirens?
- Shut up!

Does it come
with instructions?

The instructions
are to shut up.

We don't want it
if it's stolen.

I still feel guilty
about shaking down that redbox

for I don't know
how she does it.

I did not steal it.

I knowingly bought it
from a man who stole it,

and I'm selling it
at a profit.

It's the Armenian way.

You're not Armenian.

I know, I'm just saying,
it's the Armenian way.

It retails for $600,

but I'll give it to you for free
if you do me a favor.

Free?

Okay, I guess Max can do you
in that closet over there.

What?

Now that I see it,
I have to have it.

All right, I've been
saving this pill for something.

Talk to Sophie.

See if she wants
to get back together.

But don't tell her
I'm interested.

- Do it discreetly.
- Deal.

And, Oleg, I'm touched
and a little surprised.

I didn't know you knew
the word "discreetly".

Oh, yeah. I have a word-a-day
calendar near my bed,

next to my big pump jar
of pineapple lube.

For when you're horny
and hungry.

Max, why'd you take it?
You don't have to have sex with him.

I know, I'm celebrating.

Hey, I can't find any of the instructions
on here for our coffeemaker.

In fairness,
I haven't been looking.

I got sidetracked by this buzzfeed
list of misspelled tattoos.

This girl got "You go grill"
on her neck.

She must really like
to cook outside.

Did you put yourself
in a time-out?

No, I'm looking for Sophie.
She's not upstairs.

Look, this is a long way to go
to get something for free.

I was happy to walk into Sears and stuff
a cappuccino machine down my pants.

I'm not doing it
for the free cappuccino machine.

I'm doing it for the money we'll make
from the free cappuccino machine.

And maybe to help Oleg
and Sophie get back together.

You know, it's a page out of
Shakespeare, and I'm Puck.

Puck from The Real World?

Am I the only one
who's read a book?

Oh, here she is. I'll do the talking.
It's kind of in my wheelhouse.

You have a wheelhouse,
and we're living in this dump?

Morning, Sophie.

You caught me. I'm doing
the walk of shame.

You know what that means,
right?

I was having sex all night
with a stranger.

I had sex with a guy
all night once.

At least that's what he said.
I fell asleep at 10:00.

Sophie, come in. We wanted to ask
you something kind of important.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'll tell you.

I don't think you're gonna make it
in the cupcake business.

Not what the psychic in the subway
told me, but duly noted.

Actually, it's more
of a personal question.

Oh, okay.
Well, I personally

don't think you're gonna make it
in the cupcake business.

- No, the question is about Oleg.
- Oh, yeah, he agrees with me.

God's sakes, just tell her
before she tells us

we're gonna wind up in some disgusting
apartment, hiding from our pimp.

Okay, okay, Sophie.

Do you ever think about getting
back together with Oleg?

Oh, God, no.

I'd rather accidently have
sex again with my cousin.

I hate when that happens.

Why, did...

Did he ask about me?

Oh, no, no. I was just wondering.
He never even mentions you.

Oh, good.
'Cause I moved on, baby.

Oh, no. No, I...

I left my spanx
on that Staten Island stoop.

And they're the good ones,
you know, with the pee hole in them.

I gotta go grab 'em.

All right. Bye-bye.

Okay, good. Now we've got the power on,
but how do we steam the milk?

Maybe it's
on this touchpad thing.

Holy Mother of God!

I just steamed my vagina.

Max, Caroline, your shift
started three minutes ago.

Who cares about sidework?
I probably can't have children.

What is wrong with her?

She just had her carpet
steam-cleaned.

You two still haven't
figured out this machine?

Move away. I'm asian and a man.
I'm good with this kind of stuff.

Well, Han, actually,
it's pretty dangerous.

Hey, Han's a man,
according to recent lore.

Let him save the day.

Okay, let's see.
Here's the steam one.

And here's the button for...
Ow!

My neck!
It burned my neck!

And that was
my best feature.

Luckily you're not taller.
You would've burned your vagina.

That cappuccino machine might have
just given me a grande hysterectomy.

Caroline, I know
this might not be a good time.

I heard
about your recent clambake.

But what did Sophie say?

I'm sorry, Oleg. Sophie's moved on.
She's seeing other men.

Yeah, but not in your neighborhood.
She's classy.

She had the decency to do it
on a stoop in Staten Island.

She went to the Island
without me?

We were going to travel
the world together.

Oleg...

Oleg, are you crying?

No, I have
a booger situation.

Says the man
who cooks the food.

Hey, what's this area
back there?

- Uh, it's our closet, why?
- I should check it out.

I'm always looking for places to have
sex with women who are not Sophie.

Is Oleg in here?
I thought I smelled him.

That delicious mix
of man and butter.

Oleg's in the closet.

Oh, honey,
I could've told you that.

Really, Luis,
Oleg is straight.

Wait till you see what happens when
I place an order for a bone-in rib eye.

It's true.
He shows us his penis every...

Ah-ah-ah-ah, boundaries,
girls, boundaries.

So is it a nice one?

Well, it did open a door
for me once.

Hey, Luis,
maybe you can help us.

Since you're a lifer, you have
to know how to work this thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
I work for a diner.

I don't work for you.
Don't bring me into your drama.

Oh, I have to get this. It's my mother.
She's on death watch.

But we used to have the same machine
when I worked at Starbucks.

Mami, como esta
su Lou Gehrig's?

No, I am not
working at Starbucks.

That's not what
I was gonna say.

Just for two hours.

We can quit after we learn
how to work this damn machine.

Hey, I am not a quitter.

I get fired.
That's my wheelhouse.

I can't believe
we got hired so quickly.

And I can't believe
I'm a medium apron.

And I can't believe I'm working
for a corporate coffee place.

This might be the lowest point
of my life,

and my mom once lost me
in a craps game behind a casino.

Hi, we're here
to be trained.

I know.
That's unfortunate.

- My name's Devon.
- Well, that's unfortunate.

Let's get this over with.

I have a lot of other places
I need to be.

Like your mom's basement?

Hey, you don't have
to give me attitude.

I don't have to,
but it's my pleasure.

Sorry, Devon. It's just that it's hard
for her, 'cause your name is Devon.

So what are you girls?
Writers?

Folk duo?
Just bitches?

Nailed it, loser.

Max, pace yourself. We need this job
for another hour and 50 minutes.

Okay, but for real,
how long do you

gotta work here before
the health insurance kicks in?

And is there dental? 'cause I got
a dead tooth doing nothing for me.

The insurance kicks in
after 30 days.

But it's a PPO,
not an HMO.

Oh, we just got an HMO at our other job.
He's a Charlotte.

Okay, here we go.

Look, this is the machine
we use for everything.

It's incredibly easy to work
unless you're stupid,

in which case, tell me now.

Devon, we're not your mean stepdad.
Just show us how to use the machine.

Listen up.

Unlatch the portafilter
from the group head.

Press here for an ounce of grounds.

Tamp it in, pack it down,
turn it on.

I didn't get that,
did you?

Honestly, all I heard
was "group head".

So you tamp, pack,
turn the knob,

wait 3, blast for 30,
then you pour the shot.

Place the steam wand
halfway in the pitcher

at a 45-degree angle
until the milk is 103 degrees.

So what you're saying is
it's easier to make meth?

Syrups, powders,
whipped cream is right here.

You ever work
with one of these?

I think I can handle it.
I went to Wharton.

- Well, I went to Harvard.
- And I went to juvie.

And we're all here
wearing an apron.

A grande double cap,
non-fat.

Grande double cap,
non-fat.

Meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow.

A venti triple cap,
no whip.

Venti triple cap,
no whip.

Meow, meow, shmeow, meow.

Grande double soy latte.

Grande double soy latte.
Got it, Max?

Nope.

- Where's those drinks, Max?
- Working on it, getting close.

And I finished
all over myself.

That's so me.

Come on, Max,
it can't be that hard.

You two, switch.
I gotta put out more napkins.

That women's breakup support group
is here, and they tap us out.

Think they're crying now?
Just wait till we run out of cake pops.

I'll have a tall cap,
triple-shot half caf.

Small scrap nipple slap
half half.

That's not what I said.

Tall cap triple-shot
half caf?

Girl, you're good at this.
You should work at Starbucks.

I am good. I think
I'm getting the hang of this.

Now I just have to...

Holy Mother of...
Ouch!

This thing hates women so much,
we should call it Texas.

Or Ohio.

Or, to be honest,
most of America.

I'll have a tall drip,
extra hot.

- Uh, what's your name?
- Gregg, with three "g"'s.

Yeah, you're gonna be
this picture of a penis.

- That's rude.
- Now it has a hat on it.

It's saying, "good day."

Do you want me to talk
to your manager?

Yeah, in about 20 minutes,
after she learns this machine.

Hi.

I'll take a non-fat
venti drip for Vera

and a tall latte for Fran

and a gingerbread latte
with 11 splendas.

Can you two explain
what this is?

- I'd say it's pretty obvious.
- That's a penis wearing a hat.

Why?

Because it's bald
and a little insecure.

- Dudes, you're, like, fired.
- Come on, Devon.

We just need 20 more minutes
to learn that machine.

Please?
No.

Return your aprons
and caps.

And do not even think about putting
sandwiches in your pockets.

What?

A girl can't
get a morning bun?

No and no.

And take this "crappuccino"
you made with you.

Oh, yeah,
that is not quite right.

And it hit my dead tooth.

- How you doing with that milk?
- Great.

Mine's more whipped
than Nick Cannon.

Hola, chicas. How's it going
with your new machine?

Not that I care
or am invested at all.

Oh, I think mine's coming.
I think mine's coming.

You don't even know
if you're coming or not?

That's so you.

Have you seen Oleg?

No, not since he came out
of the closet.

- Why are you looking for him?
- How is this your business?

Because you said,
"Have you seen Oleg?"

You got me. Look at you.

So much spice,
so much pain.

You got me.

Hey, everybody.

Hola, Oleg,
and Oleg's sister?

This is Sasha.

We met last night
and a few times this morning.

- But do me a favor.
- Don't tell Sophie about this?

No, do tell her.
I've moved on.

I filled
that hole she left.

Come on, let's get you back to your
uncle's house before he wakes up.

Oh, it happens
to a lot of gays.

They come out, they freak out,
they go back in.

But I see him.

And I'll be here
until he sees me.

Hola, mami.

Uh-oh. Charlotte's
headed for a fall.

I did it.
I made a perfect cappuccino.

75% of my body is burned,
but I did it.

So how is it?

We are so putting the small scrap
nipple slap half half on the menu.