2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 3 - And the Kitty Kitty Spank Spank - full transcript
When Max becomes smitten with an old stray cat that's been hanging around the apartment, Caroline tries to convince her they need to find it a better home. But just when they think they've found one, the cat's fate takes a turn.
- Max?
- No.
Don't come over here with that
"I'm the boss,
"you're the waitress" look.
Cause I could just as easily give you
the "I'm the murderer,
"you're the victim" look.
The muscular woman at table two
is sending her bagel back.
She said she ordered
a plain one.
I'm sorry, did you say
she wanted a multi-grain?
No, plain.
Whole grain?
No, plain.
Garlic?
No.
The plain! The plain!
It took me two years,
but I finally got him
to say it.
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Are you telling me
you don't hear that cat?
We have to let it in.
It's clearly a stray,
or this Marine I met last week
at a blood drive.
Last week there was a man
outside our door screaming,
"I've been stabbed,"
and all you did was yell,
"Shut up."
Because he said, "I think
I've been stabbed."
You're either stabbed,
or you're not stabbed, my friend
Listen, it sounds like
the cat's saying hello.
Hello, hello.
Listen, it's talking.
It's saying, "Help.
Can I come in?"
Really?
'Cause I think it's saying,
"I'm fine.
Go back to sleep."
Come on, it clearly just said,
"Let me in.
Ignore the blonde.
She's a bitch."
Look, you can't just
let in everything
that shows up at our door
and says hello.
Yeah, I can.
I've done it.
Max, we can't.
We can't become cat ladies.
And it always starts
out innocently,
rescuing a stray,
but then you have
to get another one
so that they can
entertain each other
while you're at work.
And then somewhere
along the line,
four more sneak in,
and you think,
"We're good.
We're cool.
We're the cute girls
with six cats."
And then, one day, there
you are on Animal Cops,
screaming,
"Don't take my babies!
These 27 angels
is all I got!"
That's how it goes, Max.
Once you get one, you get 27.
Not true.
Really?
How many garden gnomes
do you have under your bed?
27.
What?
They understand
I'm only keeping them there
until I get a yard.
Come on.
I want a kitty.
Kitty for Max.
Kitty for Max.
Max, we already have a horse.
We can't afford another animal.
We're broke.
Come on.
Chestnut needs a friend.
He is dying to
trash us to someone,
and all he's got is that rat
who is super
self-involved.
Who the hell is that?
It's so late.
It's probably the cat,
or the guy who's raping
girls in Brooklyn.
Open the door,
and roll the dice.
Oh, please.
Please, somebody tell me
they killed that damn cat.
And where did it learn
how to say hello?
Told you.
It's been keeping
me up all night.
This poor cat has been
crying at our door
every night trying to get in,
trying to get
a little warm milk,
maybe a skosh of tuna.
Max, that's our
dinner tomorrow.
Wait.
Be careful.
A cat is not always a cat.
Oh, please continue.
In Poland, we believe
if you die outside,
you're reincarnated as a cat.
Am I the only one
who thinks Poland
sounds like a real freak show?
So never let a cat in,
because it's just a person
that's been reincarnated
and will bring in
all the bad jus.
I think you mean juju.
Oh, do I?
Nighty-night.
Look, we just have to put up
with it,
and after a while,
it'll go away on its own.
Go away on its own?
It's a stray cat,
not my father.
Good night, Max.
Fine.
No kitty for Max.
No kitty for Max.
See, Max, I told you
the cat would stop.
Max?
Max.
Can we keep it, ma?
Can we keep it?
Earl, you don't want
a cat, do you?
A cat?
God, no.
Cats steal your weed.
See, Caroline?
Nobody wants the cat.
We're keeping it,
and I think we should start
celebrating right meow.
Max, you didn't even try
to convince him.
Come on, Earl.
Don't you want a cat?
Kitty for Earl.
Kitty for Earl.
I'm too old to have a cat.
I'm about six months away
from crapping in a box myself.
Oleg, how do you
feel about cats?
Loved it.
Saw it nine times on Broadway.
Very clever show,
but a little expensive.
The most I've ever paid
to see a pussy dance.
So far we're keeping the cat.
Hey, Han, do you want a cat?
You could finally have
a friend your own size.
Come on, you could
ride it to work.
No, I can't have a cat.
They're lazy, moody,
and judgmental.
I don't need another you.
Plus, they don't
show affection.
Sure they do.
You just have to know
how to get it out of them.
Cats love to be lightly
spanked on their bottom.
I don't understand why
a cat would like that.
It's so mysterious.
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
Hmm.
Well, I can't have a cat.
I work all the time.
Why did I like that so much?
I don't know.
Something with boobs
was touching you.
People with boobs touch me.
She means aside from your mom.
Then, no.
Well, we've asked
everyone we know,
and now I'm depressed,
because this
is everyone we know.
Let's start asking people
in the diner.
We need to find it
a place to live.
Why?
Why can't it live
right here in my arm
in between my hot and naturals?
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
I have to admit, that
does feel kind of good.
Excuse me.
I overheard you two
asking people
if they want a cat,
and I'd really love one.
Really?
Well, we have your cat.
Whoa. Whoa.
Not so fast.
I got a couple
of questions first.
Do you smoke?
Yes.
- Drink?
- Yes.
Prescription drugs.
Occasionally.
Forget the cat.
Will you take me home?
Kitty, you're gonna
love this lady.
She smokes, drinks,
does prescription drugs,
which we all know means Oxy.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
These she is.
She's purr-fect.
Come in.
Welcome home, you.
See, Max?
It's great.
What the hell is
going on in here?
Look at all these cats
crammed in this little space.
It's so sad.
The only thing missing
is Sarah McLachlan
singing in the corner.
What?
It's fine.
There's not that many.
They're attacking!
Sorry.
He loves blondes.
And apparently pooping
on the carpet.
No, Twinkles, no.
Oh, okay, quick introductions.
That's Bethany,
Radford, Cellars,
Franklin, Eleanor,
Pudding, Mustachio,
Mitzi, Meredith,
Baxter, Bernie.
She remembers
all of their names?
I don't even remember
the name of the guy
I lost my virginity to.
Best I can do
is "Coach" something.
Well, Catherine,
I think it's lovely
that you have such a big,
loving hairy family,
kind of like the Kardashians.
There's only 24.
Oh.
31.
Let's go before one of
these rabid cats bites us
and we become half-human,
half-cat hybrids
who wander the streets
but are never cold.
We're just gonna go have
a little conversation
in the hall.
And F.Y.I.,
the mother looks
like she's eating
the little one.
Just a thought.
I'm only saying that
'cause it's in her mouth.
Mitzi, release!
Let's go!
In less than five minutes,
it went from 24 to 31,
and I saw two cats
in the corner
doing it doggie style,
so in two months, we could
be looking at 50 cats.
Max, you can't get pregnant
doggie style.
Right?
We can't go back in.
There's so much hair in there,
I saw a cat using
a lint roller.
Okay, but if we don't
leave her here,
we only have one other option.
No, Kitty is not
going to a shelter.
Why?
Lots of cats get adopted
and end up in beautiful homes.
Look, I didn't want
to say this,
but she's not pretty enough.
What are you talking about?
She's not pretty enough.
Come on, she doesn't have
classic good looks,
but she's adorkable.
We cannot take her
to a shelter.
She'll die there.
And, yeah, everyone
says they want one
with a nice personality,
but they really just want
a hot, sexy, young kitten
who still gets excited
about balls in her face.
Everything okay, ladies?
No, everything
is far from okay.
My boots are now UGGs,
thanks to all
the cat hair in there.
Ow!
Stop it!
Sorry, that's Gina.
She's bipolar, and she refuses
to take her meds.
Ow! Ow!
Stop it, Gina!
I'm sorry, Catherine.
This isn't gonna work out.
It's nothing personal.
It's just that you're crazy.
Truly, I'm heartbroken.
Ow! Ow!
I already have a name
picked out for her.
Veronica Two.
Ow! Stop it!
Ow! Ow!
I got to go!
Who wants to eat?
Um, just so we all know,
Veronica One committed
suicide, right?
Kitty, we're gonna
find you a nice home.
Want a cat?
Free cat?
Want a cat?
You are going to love it here.
Park Slope is like the
Beverly Hills of Brooklyn.
Here comes a good one.
Hey.
Want a cat.
Excuse me?
Cat?
Yeah, I'll take some crack.
She said "cat."
We're looking for
a nice home for a cat.
Oh, so no crack.
No.
Well, why would I want a cat?
I'm a crackhead.
Well, Kitty,
as hard as this is,
I think it's time to let you
back out there into the world.
At least we leave you
in a rich neighborhood;
you'll have a
better shot at life.
Max, you are okay with this?
Well, I was more okay
when I did this with
my cousin's baby.
There you go.
Oh, yeah.
Move him to the next house.
South-facing sun.
Pre-war building.
She'll love it.
There you go.
You live in Park Slope now.
You can adopt an African baby
and wheel it around
in a $900 stroller.
Can you believe
that was my plan "B"?
Run!
Run away.
Go.
Ah, screw it.
She lives here now.
Ooh. Look.
They have a piano.
You can make videos.
You'll be a YouTube star.
Bye, Kitty.
Wow, I'm shocked
you didn't stop me.
Stop you?
If I had known that was option,
I would have had you
stuff me in there.
I wonder what Kitty's doing
in her fancy
town house right now.
She's probably snuggling
with an older gay guy
who likes to read.
You know, 'cause gay guys
are the only ones
who still read.
They're probably
on the couch right now
with A Tale of Two Kitties.
I'm proud of us.
We selflessly gave
that cat a better life
than we could ever
afford for ourselves.
Oh, don't try to get in
on that.
I did the right thing.
You tried to leave her
at that crazy lady's
pussy riot.
Hi. Excuse me.
Would it be okay if I put this
flier next to your window?
No.
Sure.
We lost our cat, Jinxy,
like, a week ago
in this neighborhood.
Have you seen her?
No. No.
I haven't seen a cat
in a long time.
I was just saying
to her yesterday,
"I haven't seen a cat
in a long time."
Um, how come you didn't
have a collar on her?
And where's her I.D. tag?
Even my mother had
an I.D. tag on me.
Well, it was
a flea collar, but...
Why did it take you so long
to put the signs up?
Um, what's happening?
Um, here's what's happening:
We are more than happy
to put up this
flier of your cat,
which we have never, ever seen.
I mean, seriously, where
did all the cats go?
Queens?
Staten Island?
'Cause they're not
in this neighborhood.
Okay.
This was weird.
Is there any way
this cat isn't Kitty?
Nope, that's her.
Same green eyes,
same notch in the ear.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Hey, girls.
What's shaking?
Not me, 'cause I'm all held in.
Sorry, Sophie,
the cupcake window
isn't open during the day.
I don't need your life story.
I just need a damn cupcake.
Sophie, do you
remember that cat
that was crying outside
our building?
Yeah, you put it down?
We thought it was a stray,
so we tried to find
a home for it,
but couldn't.
So you put it down.
No.
We left it in a really
nice neighborhood.
Oh, so a rich person
put it down?
It turns out it
wasn't a stray at all.
We just met its owner.
This is the cat, Sophie.
Her name's Jinxy.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You remember how I told you
that if you die outside
in Poland,
you come back as a cat?
Yeah, that's kind of
hard to forget.
That's not Jinxy.
That's my friend Nancy.
Look at her.
Same green eyes,
same notch in the ear.
Same whiskers.
I don't think that
this is Nancy.
Oh, yes.
She and I got in a big fight
and how she's come back
to haunt me.
She died waiting for
an apology from me,
and now she's back.
Guess what.
She's not gonna get it.
Jinxy!
Jinxy!
Jinxy, come on, girl.
Look, I said on the phone,
this area is where we
randomly spotted her.
I wonder how Jinxy got
all the way to Park Slope.
Just wait.
She's here, I promise.
Jinxy!
Jinxy!
Nancy.
Nancy!
Nancy!
Nancy!
Nancy!
Come on, Nancy!
Nancy, it's Sophie!
I'm here to apologize!
Um, what's happening?
Oh, my God.
It's Nancy.
I mean, Jinxy.
I mean, Kitty.
Ooh...
Hello.
Hello.
Hi, baby.
Kitty, kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
What she's doing, they like it.
I know, because I liked it.
Anyway, we found your cat.
Isn't that great?
Actually, she's
my boyfriend's cat.
I'm keeping her.
Max, just close your
eyes and look away,
like you do whenever
those people ask you
if you have a minute
to save the earth.
Just stick it in here.
"Just stick it in here"?
That's what I say when
my hand gets tired.
Maxy. Maxy.
Maxy, Maxy, Maxy.
Now do me.
First of all,
I own the diner now.
Secondly, don't ever
do that again.
I guess I'll just
have to spank myself.
No surprise there.
I hope you're happy.
I found Jinxy's owners
on Facebook.
Not one pic of Kitty,
not even a status update
saying,
"We found our cat."
But she is more than willing
to talk about her
reverse French manicure
and posts pictures of a meal
I know she's gonna make
herself throw up later.
Come on, Max.
There's got to be
one photo of Kitty.
Oh, wow.
You found one?
No, that manicure is heaven.
Max, photos or not,
we need to focus on the fact
that the cat is back with
the guy who loves her.
The guy who loves her?
He doesn't love Kitty.
If he did, why aren't
there any pictures of her
at his first wedding?
What, he couldn't spring
for a cat tuxedo?
They're, like, 20 bucks.
I know because I have one
on my garden gnome.
This is not a loving home.
Pics, or it didn't happen.
Okay, Max.
Okay, just say it.
I put the cat
in an abusive home.
You put the cat
in an abusive home.
I have a gift for you.
No way!
No way!
Oh, yeah, it's Jinxy.
It's Nancy.
Jinxy was her slave name.
Oh, Nancy, I missed you.
I missed you so much.
What did you do?
How did you get her?
Well, it was
really complicated.
I went to their apartment,
and I said,
"You don't love that cat,"
and they said,
"You're right. Take it."
Oh, my God!
Is this what happiness
feels like?
So what made you
change your mind?
Because two years ago
I was outside your door,
saying,
"Hello. Hello."
And you let me in,
and it changed my life.
That's kind of different,
though,
because I didn't want
to let you in,
and I did want to let
the cat in.
But you did let me in.
You let me in,
and you gave me food
and shelter and love.
Not the way I wanted
to give to the cat.
Max, are you trying
to equate a person's love
with a cat's love?
Not really.
A cat's love is eternal.
Hey, girls.
I'm heading over to
the bodega salad bar.
They just added hot ribs
and a sneeze guard.
You need anything?
Sophie, we got the cat back.
She was in a house
where she wasn't wanted.
Oh, yeah.
That is so Nancy.
Sophie, do you want
to see the cat?
She's in the apartment?
No, no, no.
No, no.
I can't see her right now!
It's too much!
I'm happy for you, Nancy!
But I can't do this right now!
Wait, where did the cat go?
Oh, no, Chestnut.
I left the back door open.
Oh, my God.
Look.
She's on top of Chestnut.
They like each other.
Why wouldn't they?
She's a foxy redhead,
and he's a stud.
You did the right thing.
Kitty, kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
Why do I like that so much?
'Cause something with boobs
is touching you?
- No.
Don't come over here with that
"I'm the boss,
"you're the waitress" look.
Cause I could just as easily give you
the "I'm the murderer,
"you're the victim" look.
The muscular woman at table two
is sending her bagel back.
She said she ordered
a plain one.
I'm sorry, did you say
she wanted a multi-grain?
No, plain.
Whole grain?
No, plain.
Garlic?
No.
The plain! The plain!
It took me two years,
but I finally got him
to say it.
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Are you telling me
you don't hear that cat?
We have to let it in.
It's clearly a stray,
or this Marine I met last week
at a blood drive.
Last week there was a man
outside our door screaming,
"I've been stabbed,"
and all you did was yell,
"Shut up."
Because he said, "I think
I've been stabbed."
You're either stabbed,
or you're not stabbed, my friend
Listen, it sounds like
the cat's saying hello.
Hello, hello.
Listen, it's talking.
It's saying, "Help.
Can I come in?"
Really?
'Cause I think it's saying,
"I'm fine.
Go back to sleep."
Come on, it clearly just said,
"Let me in.
Ignore the blonde.
She's a bitch."
Look, you can't just
let in everything
that shows up at our door
and says hello.
Yeah, I can.
I've done it.
Max, we can't.
We can't become cat ladies.
And it always starts
out innocently,
rescuing a stray,
but then you have
to get another one
so that they can
entertain each other
while you're at work.
And then somewhere
along the line,
four more sneak in,
and you think,
"We're good.
We're cool.
We're the cute girls
with six cats."
And then, one day, there
you are on Animal Cops,
screaming,
"Don't take my babies!
These 27 angels
is all I got!"
That's how it goes, Max.
Once you get one, you get 27.
Not true.
Really?
How many garden gnomes
do you have under your bed?
27.
What?
They understand
I'm only keeping them there
until I get a yard.
Come on.
I want a kitty.
Kitty for Max.
Kitty for Max.
Max, we already have a horse.
We can't afford another animal.
We're broke.
Come on.
Chestnut needs a friend.
He is dying to
trash us to someone,
and all he's got is that rat
who is super
self-involved.
Who the hell is that?
It's so late.
It's probably the cat,
or the guy who's raping
girls in Brooklyn.
Open the door,
and roll the dice.
Oh, please.
Please, somebody tell me
they killed that damn cat.
And where did it learn
how to say hello?
Told you.
It's been keeping
me up all night.
This poor cat has been
crying at our door
every night trying to get in,
trying to get
a little warm milk,
maybe a skosh of tuna.
Max, that's our
dinner tomorrow.
Wait.
Be careful.
A cat is not always a cat.
Oh, please continue.
In Poland, we believe
if you die outside,
you're reincarnated as a cat.
Am I the only one
who thinks Poland
sounds like a real freak show?
So never let a cat in,
because it's just a person
that's been reincarnated
and will bring in
all the bad jus.
I think you mean juju.
Oh, do I?
Nighty-night.
Look, we just have to put up
with it,
and after a while,
it'll go away on its own.
Go away on its own?
It's a stray cat,
not my father.
Good night, Max.
Fine.
No kitty for Max.
No kitty for Max.
See, Max, I told you
the cat would stop.
Max?
Max.
Can we keep it, ma?
Can we keep it?
Earl, you don't want
a cat, do you?
A cat?
God, no.
Cats steal your weed.
See, Caroline?
Nobody wants the cat.
We're keeping it,
and I think we should start
celebrating right meow.
Max, you didn't even try
to convince him.
Come on, Earl.
Don't you want a cat?
Kitty for Earl.
Kitty for Earl.
I'm too old to have a cat.
I'm about six months away
from crapping in a box myself.
Oleg, how do you
feel about cats?
Loved it.
Saw it nine times on Broadway.
Very clever show,
but a little expensive.
The most I've ever paid
to see a pussy dance.
So far we're keeping the cat.
Hey, Han, do you want a cat?
You could finally have
a friend your own size.
Come on, you could
ride it to work.
No, I can't have a cat.
They're lazy, moody,
and judgmental.
I don't need another you.
Plus, they don't
show affection.
Sure they do.
You just have to know
how to get it out of them.
Cats love to be lightly
spanked on their bottom.
I don't understand why
a cat would like that.
It's so mysterious.
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
Hmm.
Well, I can't have a cat.
I work all the time.
Why did I like that so much?
I don't know.
Something with boobs
was touching you.
People with boobs touch me.
She means aside from your mom.
Then, no.
Well, we've asked
everyone we know,
and now I'm depressed,
because this
is everyone we know.
Let's start asking people
in the diner.
We need to find it
a place to live.
Why?
Why can't it live
right here in my arm
in between my hot and naturals?
Kitty. Kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
I have to admit, that
does feel kind of good.
Excuse me.
I overheard you two
asking people
if they want a cat,
and I'd really love one.
Really?
Well, we have your cat.
Whoa. Whoa.
Not so fast.
I got a couple
of questions first.
Do you smoke?
Yes.
- Drink?
- Yes.
Prescription drugs.
Occasionally.
Forget the cat.
Will you take me home?
Kitty, you're gonna
love this lady.
She smokes, drinks,
does prescription drugs,
which we all know means Oxy.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
These she is.
She's purr-fect.
Come in.
Welcome home, you.
See, Max?
It's great.
What the hell is
going on in here?
Look at all these cats
crammed in this little space.
It's so sad.
The only thing missing
is Sarah McLachlan
singing in the corner.
What?
It's fine.
There's not that many.
They're attacking!
Sorry.
He loves blondes.
And apparently pooping
on the carpet.
No, Twinkles, no.
Oh, okay, quick introductions.
That's Bethany,
Radford, Cellars,
Franklin, Eleanor,
Pudding, Mustachio,
Mitzi, Meredith,
Baxter, Bernie.
She remembers
all of their names?
I don't even remember
the name of the guy
I lost my virginity to.
Best I can do
is "Coach" something.
Well, Catherine,
I think it's lovely
that you have such a big,
loving hairy family,
kind of like the Kardashians.
There's only 24.
Oh.
31.
Let's go before one of
these rabid cats bites us
and we become half-human,
half-cat hybrids
who wander the streets
but are never cold.
We're just gonna go have
a little conversation
in the hall.
And F.Y.I.,
the mother looks
like she's eating
the little one.
Just a thought.
I'm only saying that
'cause it's in her mouth.
Mitzi, release!
Let's go!
In less than five minutes,
it went from 24 to 31,
and I saw two cats
in the corner
doing it doggie style,
so in two months, we could
be looking at 50 cats.
Max, you can't get pregnant
doggie style.
Right?
We can't go back in.
There's so much hair in there,
I saw a cat using
a lint roller.
Okay, but if we don't
leave her here,
we only have one other option.
No, Kitty is not
going to a shelter.
Why?
Lots of cats get adopted
and end up in beautiful homes.
Look, I didn't want
to say this,
but she's not pretty enough.
What are you talking about?
She's not pretty enough.
Come on, she doesn't have
classic good looks,
but she's adorkable.
We cannot take her
to a shelter.
She'll die there.
And, yeah, everyone
says they want one
with a nice personality,
but they really just want
a hot, sexy, young kitten
who still gets excited
about balls in her face.
Everything okay, ladies?
No, everything
is far from okay.
My boots are now UGGs,
thanks to all
the cat hair in there.
Ow!
Stop it!
Sorry, that's Gina.
She's bipolar, and she refuses
to take her meds.
Ow! Ow!
Stop it, Gina!
I'm sorry, Catherine.
This isn't gonna work out.
It's nothing personal.
It's just that you're crazy.
Truly, I'm heartbroken.
Ow! Ow!
I already have a name
picked out for her.
Veronica Two.
Ow! Stop it!
Ow! Ow!
I got to go!
Who wants to eat?
Um, just so we all know,
Veronica One committed
suicide, right?
Kitty, we're gonna
find you a nice home.
Want a cat?
Free cat?
Want a cat?
You are going to love it here.
Park Slope is like the
Beverly Hills of Brooklyn.
Here comes a good one.
Hey.
Want a cat.
Excuse me?
Cat?
Yeah, I'll take some crack.
She said "cat."
We're looking for
a nice home for a cat.
Oh, so no crack.
No.
Well, why would I want a cat?
I'm a crackhead.
Well, Kitty,
as hard as this is,
I think it's time to let you
back out there into the world.
At least we leave you
in a rich neighborhood;
you'll have a
better shot at life.
Max, you are okay with this?
Well, I was more okay
when I did this with
my cousin's baby.
There you go.
Oh, yeah.
Move him to the next house.
South-facing sun.
Pre-war building.
She'll love it.
There you go.
You live in Park Slope now.
You can adopt an African baby
and wheel it around
in a $900 stroller.
Can you believe
that was my plan "B"?
Run!
Run away.
Go.
Ah, screw it.
She lives here now.
Ooh. Look.
They have a piano.
You can make videos.
You'll be a YouTube star.
Bye, Kitty.
Wow, I'm shocked
you didn't stop me.
Stop you?
If I had known that was option,
I would have had you
stuff me in there.
I wonder what Kitty's doing
in her fancy
town house right now.
She's probably snuggling
with an older gay guy
who likes to read.
You know, 'cause gay guys
are the only ones
who still read.
They're probably
on the couch right now
with A Tale of Two Kitties.
I'm proud of us.
We selflessly gave
that cat a better life
than we could ever
afford for ourselves.
Oh, don't try to get in
on that.
I did the right thing.
You tried to leave her
at that crazy lady's
pussy riot.
Hi. Excuse me.
Would it be okay if I put this
flier next to your window?
No.
Sure.
We lost our cat, Jinxy,
like, a week ago
in this neighborhood.
Have you seen her?
No. No.
I haven't seen a cat
in a long time.
I was just saying
to her yesterday,
"I haven't seen a cat
in a long time."
Um, how come you didn't
have a collar on her?
And where's her I.D. tag?
Even my mother had
an I.D. tag on me.
Well, it was
a flea collar, but...
Why did it take you so long
to put the signs up?
Um, what's happening?
Um, here's what's happening:
We are more than happy
to put up this
flier of your cat,
which we have never, ever seen.
I mean, seriously, where
did all the cats go?
Queens?
Staten Island?
'Cause they're not
in this neighborhood.
Okay.
This was weird.
Is there any way
this cat isn't Kitty?
Nope, that's her.
Same green eyes,
same notch in the ear.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Hey, girls.
What's shaking?
Not me, 'cause I'm all held in.
Sorry, Sophie,
the cupcake window
isn't open during the day.
I don't need your life story.
I just need a damn cupcake.
Sophie, do you
remember that cat
that was crying outside
our building?
Yeah, you put it down?
We thought it was a stray,
so we tried to find
a home for it,
but couldn't.
So you put it down.
No.
We left it in a really
nice neighborhood.
Oh, so a rich person
put it down?
It turns out it
wasn't a stray at all.
We just met its owner.
This is the cat, Sophie.
Her name's Jinxy.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You remember how I told you
that if you die outside
in Poland,
you come back as a cat?
Yeah, that's kind of
hard to forget.
That's not Jinxy.
That's my friend Nancy.
Look at her.
Same green eyes,
same notch in the ear.
Same whiskers.
I don't think that
this is Nancy.
Oh, yes.
She and I got in a big fight
and how she's come back
to haunt me.
She died waiting for
an apology from me,
and now she's back.
Guess what.
She's not gonna get it.
Jinxy!
Jinxy!
Jinxy, come on, girl.
Look, I said on the phone,
this area is where we
randomly spotted her.
I wonder how Jinxy got
all the way to Park Slope.
Just wait.
She's here, I promise.
Jinxy!
Jinxy!
Nancy.
Nancy!
Nancy!
Nancy!
Nancy!
Come on, Nancy!
Nancy, it's Sophie!
I'm here to apologize!
Um, what's happening?
Oh, my God.
It's Nancy.
I mean, Jinxy.
I mean, Kitty.
Ooh...
Hello.
Hello.
Hi, baby.
Kitty, kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
What she's doing, they like it.
I know, because I liked it.
Anyway, we found your cat.
Isn't that great?
Actually, she's
my boyfriend's cat.
I'm keeping her.
Max, just close your
eyes and look away,
like you do whenever
those people ask you
if you have a minute
to save the earth.
Just stick it in here.
"Just stick it in here"?
That's what I say when
my hand gets tired.
Maxy. Maxy.
Maxy, Maxy, Maxy.
Now do me.
First of all,
I own the diner now.
Secondly, don't ever
do that again.
I guess I'll just
have to spank myself.
No surprise there.
I hope you're happy.
I found Jinxy's owners
on Facebook.
Not one pic of Kitty,
not even a status update
saying,
"We found our cat."
But she is more than willing
to talk about her
reverse French manicure
and posts pictures of a meal
I know she's gonna make
herself throw up later.
Come on, Max.
There's got to be
one photo of Kitty.
Oh, wow.
You found one?
No, that manicure is heaven.
Max, photos or not,
we need to focus on the fact
that the cat is back with
the guy who loves her.
The guy who loves her?
He doesn't love Kitty.
If he did, why aren't
there any pictures of her
at his first wedding?
What, he couldn't spring
for a cat tuxedo?
They're, like, 20 bucks.
I know because I have one
on my garden gnome.
This is not a loving home.
Pics, or it didn't happen.
Okay, Max.
Okay, just say it.
I put the cat
in an abusive home.
You put the cat
in an abusive home.
I have a gift for you.
No way!
No way!
Oh, yeah, it's Jinxy.
It's Nancy.
Jinxy was her slave name.
Oh, Nancy, I missed you.
I missed you so much.
What did you do?
How did you get her?
Well, it was
really complicated.
I went to their apartment,
and I said,
"You don't love that cat,"
and they said,
"You're right. Take it."
Oh, my God!
Is this what happiness
feels like?
So what made you
change your mind?
Because two years ago
I was outside your door,
saying,
"Hello. Hello."
And you let me in,
and it changed my life.
That's kind of different,
though,
because I didn't want
to let you in,
and I did want to let
the cat in.
But you did let me in.
You let me in,
and you gave me food
and shelter and love.
Not the way I wanted
to give to the cat.
Max, are you trying
to equate a person's love
with a cat's love?
Not really.
A cat's love is eternal.
Hey, girls.
I'm heading over to
the bodega salad bar.
They just added hot ribs
and a sneeze guard.
You need anything?
Sophie, we got the cat back.
She was in a house
where she wasn't wanted.
Oh, yeah.
That is so Nancy.
Sophie, do you want
to see the cat?
She's in the apartment?
No, no, no.
No, no.
I can't see her right now!
It's too much!
I'm happy for you, Nancy!
But I can't do this right now!
Wait, where did the cat go?
Oh, no, Chestnut.
I left the back door open.
Oh, my God.
Look.
She's on top of Chestnut.
They like each other.
Why wouldn't they?
She's a foxy redhead,
and he's a stud.
You did the right thing.
Kitty, kitty.
Kitty-kitty-kitty.
Why do I like that so much?
'Cause something with boobs
is touching you?