2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 19 - And the Kilt Trip - full transcript

Caroline tries to fit in with Max and the diner gang as they go out to get wild and crazy at the St. Patrick's Day parade, but she finds herself longing to practice her former holiday traditions at the Plaza Hotel.

Happy st. Patrick's day!

Guinness and irish cream
cupcakes for everyone!

Enjoy your blackout!

These are the last
12 cupcakes.

Actually, two of them are just
potatoes from the diner.

At some point I started

Putting green icing
on anything I could find.

Max, we haven't been so busy

Since someone spray-painted free
sex stuff on the wall outside.

And you said
I'm not good at marketing.

Happy st. Patrick's day.

Bridget, patrick, john, mary,

And you, the little one,
come over here.

We're here
to pick up our order.

Huh. Should be here
to pick up birth control.

Coming right up.

Max, I know I told you
I hated st. Patrick's day

Because the only people
who go out are drunk trash--

We prefer to be called
"intoxicated garbage."

But that was before I knew
that drunk trash carried cash.

Nobody gonna pinch me today,
'cause I got all this green.


Oh, money's involved, and all of
a sudden you're erin go bragh?

Or in your case,
"erin go training bra"?

Who wants cupcakes?

Children: Yay!

(peter bjorn and john)
? ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ?

[cash register bell dings]

? ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ?

It was so worth
being open this morning.

We can use this
st. Patrick's day money

To spring for some
new pillows.

Or even just pillows.

Or just go to a bar and fall
asleep on a couple of fat guys.

Okay, how much did we make?
Show me the money.


Show me the rest
of the money.

Fine, I took $3.

That's it?

Fine, I took 5.

Can't a bitch
get a foot-long?

But we worked so hard.

I have so much green
under my fingernails

It looks like I had
really good sex with shrek.

What other kind
could you have with him?

Green guys make black guys
look like white guys.

I love st. Patrick's day.

Tell me one good thing
about it.

Top o' the mornin'!

Look, it's a lepre-han.

So what do you think?

I'm concerned.
If you're out here,

Who's guarding [irish accent]
your lucky charms?

You laugh now,
and probably all night long,

But with this costume

My chances of getting laid
are higher than ever.

So zero?

Nope, 100%.

What makes you so confident?

'cause the only answer
I can think of right now

Is that you have cocaine
in your wee pocket.

Hey, I can see it.

You're out drunk
on st. Patrick's day,

And it seems like a good idea
to bang a leprechaun.

Like the president's day
I hooked up with a guy

Dressed like uncle sam
at the used car lot.

This costume
is my ace in the hole.

Well, it does make you
look like an ace hole.

Nice outfit, han.

You look like a pimp
I used to use in vietnam.

Come on, let's hit the parade.

Look, oleg, this is america.

You could have an accent
or a suspicious package,

But you can't have both.

It's just my inventory.

I'm gonna sell t-shirts.

That is revolting.

Put me down for five.

You might also be interested
in my other choice product.

Pee funnels.

I might also not be
interested in that product.

It's a disposable funnel
for upwardly mobile, elegant,

Young ladies
who want to stand

And pee in the street
like a man.

I mean, have you seen
those parade port-a-potties?

Seen 'em?
I was conceived in one.

Just slip one of these
babies into your pants

And go pee in the park,
no muss, no fuss.

Well, a little muss,
some fuss.

And possibly a very
unpleasant paper cut.

That's revolting.

Put me down for five.

Better make it six,
'cause if it's for ladies,

Han's definitely
gonna need one.

Max, barhopping
with a horny leprechaun

And a pee funnel salesman?

Not exactly my scene.

Can't you just go with deke?

This is boyfriend stuff,
meaning he's gross like you.

I know, but he's snowboarding
somewhere called vail

With something
called a family.

Here, we gotta lay down
a layer of grease

To absorb all the booze
we'll be drinking tonight.

This'll hold us over
till our 3:00 a.M. Street meet,

Which'll hold us over till our

Noon-30 rooty-tooty
fresh and fruity breakfast.

Come on, start layering.

I miss my old st. Patrick's day

Wanna hear it?

Hell, no.

Well, from 16 to 21,
my friends and I--

Boys were there too,

Even though technically
they weren't allowed--

By 16, I was thrice divorced

And a member of the
electricians' union, but go on.

We'd rent a big suite at the
plaza overlooking the parade,

And we'd fill balloons
with champagne and--

[cackles] and throw them
down at the parade crowd!

So fun, right?

Oh, wait, that was you guys?

One year you hit me
and my friend archie.

He sells car seat covers
in rhode island now.

He's doing pretty well.

Max, why are you

Dragging ass on the night
I'm supposed to get some?

Stop talking about sex
wearing that body. It's gross.

[horn honking]

We've been stuck in traffic
for, like, an hour.

I could've had
37 guinnesses by now.

And broken the guinness world
record for most guinnesses.

Is this cab even moving?

Is that a new mcdonald's
or the same one?

It's the same one,

Unless that bum's on a
masturbation tour of manhattan.

Come on! Make 'em move!
Hit the horn again! [honks horn]

If you touch my horn again,
I cut your hand off!

Okay, big shot.

Do it. Do it, if it'll
get us there faster.

Look, I know I said I'd
spring for a cab, but it's $70!

And I'm gonna need that
for a junior king room

At the holiday inn express!

Don't worry, han,
we'll chip in.

No, we won't. We need that $356.
That's all we made today.

It has to last till we're 82.
This is our funeral money, max.

Don't worry,
we'll make more money.

Not much more,
but a little bit.

[bagpipe music]
damn it!

I can hear
the bagpipers coming this way.

They're playing closing time.
That means the parade's over.

Now I'm never gonna
sell the pee funnels.

All right,
I gotta move some t-shirts.

Heads up, peoples!

"kiss me I'm irish"
crotch tees. $15.

Or two for 25! Five for 60!

You nobody!

You can't sell those
out the window.

That's illegal.
You need a permit!

Just drive, grandma.

I can't believe
you call yourself russian.

Doesn't seem like
you're rushin' anywhere.

You say that again, and I'll
cut your tongue out!

Oh, now you're gonna
cut out my tongue?

Why do you want to punish all
the women in the tri-state area?

[bagpipe music]

Look, oh, my god,
it's earl!

? ?

Earl, what're
you doing here?

Hey, y'all!

This is my bagpipe group
black irish.

I'm black, they're irish.

Why didn't you tell us
you were coming to the parade?

Well, I kinda like to keep
my skirt wearing on the d.L.

When did you learn
how to play bagpipes?

I do not know.

I took too much acid once,
and, when the trip ended,

I could play the bagpipes
and drive a stick.

I'll catch up with you
at blarney's.

? ?

Han, pay the man.

It's ten blocks away.
We can walk.

in these shoes?

Ugh, green beer.

Is this really how
we honor the irish,

Some of our greatest
writers and poets?

Oh, did they come up with,

"if you sprinkle
when you tinkle,

Be a sweetie,
wipe the seatie"?

First of all,
not a real poem.

And as the person
who shares your bathroom,

Maybe take that advice.

Maybe take that frown
and get it drunk.

Okay, sure, we're two
young girls on the town

On what's probably america's
most dangerous holiday.

Why--why have
our wits about us?

That's the spirit.

And who knows? Maybe you'll
meet a cute, irish guy.

Happy st. Paddy's day!

Blarney bill.

Are you the owner of this
colorful establishment?

I'm not even
the owner of these pants.

Where's me kiss?


Blarney bill is like
the mascot of this place.

Every year I kiss him
for good luck.

And when does
that luck kick in?

Where's me kiss?

I left it
in me other purse?

Wow. That's a wet moustache.

Scotch and fish.


That's why it's wet!

Man, he's the best.

The best what?

Hey, girls!

Sold my last shirt.

Hey, told you
that small would fit.

Look at han at that table
with all those...

I want to say "girls..."

Waiting to take
pictures with him.

Mm, becca!


Over here.

Oh, no, you're not becca.

Hey, though.

Oh, my god, you look
so much like my friend becca.

Are you guys in line to take
pictures with the leprechaun?


Wait, what?

Ah, yes, we are the leprechaun's
mcagent and mcmanager.

It'll be $5 to take
a selfie with the leprechaun.

That is a great deal.

Max, I am not doing this.

Fine. Then we'll have to use the
cupcake money for our cab home.

Okay, that there
is virgin leprechaun.

So it's $10.

10 for a picture, 15 for a kiss,
nothing below the waist.

That's 'cause there's
nothing below the waist.

Will you take a 20?

I mean, I guess.

Just so you know, if you're
an orphan, I'm interested.

Are you over here
making money off of me,

You wolves of wall street?

We're just taking advantage
of drunk people.

It's a st. Paddy's tradition,

Like corned beef
or punching a cop.

Well, then maybe you can get
them to take advantage of me.

Get a little handsy
on hansy.

I've got my eye
on that buxom paralegal.

The one over there who
brought in outside chicken?

Hook daddy up!

So I'm going up to the woman

Who brought her own
two-liter of coke to a bar

To ask her for money
to touch you.

That's the gist.

What's happened
to my life? Where am I?


Oh, god, it's blarney bill.

Hey, that's my name!

Where's me kiss?

Oh, well, I--

I have to go to the ladies' room

And wash whatever
is on my mouth and in my mouth

Off my mouth
and out of my mouth.

We've been in this line so long,
now I actually have to pee.

Max, are you eating chicken?

She didn't have
10 bucks to tickle han,

So she paid me
in purse chicken.

I think I came out ahead.

Uh, sorry, back of the line.
No cuts.

Please. I'm feeling sick.

Sorry, no cuts,
no buts, no coconuts.

Is that one of those
famous irish poems too?

I totally understand.
Yeah, I get it.

Just let her cut.
It's st. Patrick's day.

She's having fun.

Not to bring up my st. Patrick's
day tradition at the plaza...

Oh, good.

But it was so much better
than this place.

I mean, there were no lines.

We'd sit like non-animals in
the palm court and sip bellinis.

I'm taking you to palm court

If you tell that story
one more time.


I just threw up.

And you're carrying it around
like a baby chick?

I-I think I'm gonna
need some water.

I have to drive
a school bus in four hours.

You're a great american.

I know what I am.

(blarney bill)


Where's me kiss?

Uh, she has it.



Dodged a bullet.

Bullet found ya.

Come on. I have to find
another bathroom.

I'm not peeing
anywhere near blarney bill.

I don't want him to find "me
kiss" when I have me pants down.

I gave him your number.
Is that cool?

Oh, no. I don't think
I'm gonna make it.

You mean in life?
Yeah, me neither.

No, it's all that
green beer.

And if I wet myself
here on 53rd street,

I'll be forced to abandon you,
move to the midwest,

And start a new life.

I have a bathroom
you can use.

I've hit some very
low points today,

But I'm not about to pee
through a paper penis in public.

Here, quick, just pop a squat
over here behind the float,

I'll block you
so no one'll see,

And the 15 high school
marching bands'll

Mask the sound of you
hitting rock bottom.

Gimme that thing.

Damn it, max. Damn it!

How do I do this?

Well, I do have my master's
in public urination from devry.

Just unzip,
put it in your pants,

And let a river run through it.

No one's looking, right?


[engine starts]

Hi, caroline.

Sophie, you were
in the parade?

Of course I was.

You can't be
a volunteer firefighter

Without being in the parade.

You're a volunteer

Well, I do go down
to the station voluntarily.

Besides, every
fire station needs a pole,

And I'm it, baby.

Anyway, we're all
going to blarney's.

Shots on me.

And by that
I mean shots on me.

[all cheering]

Come on.

When the firemen's pole
offers you drinks, you say yes.

Max, I am not
going back in there.

In fact, I'm treating you
to a drink at the plaza.

You know that money we were
saving for our funeral?

That's no longer an issue
because I just died right then.

Rest in pee, caroline.

Look, max, our bellinis.

Thank you, claude.

He's a plaza institution.

And I just remembered
his name is rolph.

You forgot the name rolph

After we just saw
a girl do that in her hands?

Isn't it lovely here?

Less blarney's,
more barney's.

And trust me,
these bellinis are famous.

Did they make a sex tape?

Ooh, kind of
tastes like the time

I put canned peaches
in my boxed wine.

Max, a plaza bellini
is a far cry from boxed wine.

Well, my rule is, if I have
to refrigerate it, it's fancy.

I'm talkin' to you, batteries.

You know, tonight
is really bringing up

How much I miss the old me.

Yeah, tonight
is really bringing up

How much I miss
my friend archie.


The guy you hit
with the champagne balloons.

Sells car seat covers
in rhode island.

You know how I said
he was doing really well?

Truth is I haven't talked
to him in a year.

Really dropped the ball.

And the most exciting thing
about this place--

Those elevator doors
can open,

And you never know
who's gonna step off.

[elevator dings]


Max, this is nice.

Max, this is boring.
What happened?

Absolutely nothing.

Now I'm thinking
maybe this wasn't

As much fun as I thought it was.

Now I'm thinking
archie's dead.

'cause I feel like I got
a text about it and ignored it.

Even this bellini
doesn't taste as good.

I knew it, my taste buds
must have committed suicide

After my first 7-11 sushi.

I mean, nothing
is the same.

Why did I think this was fun?

Because before you met me,
you didn't know what fun was.

I get your point, max,

But I did own a caribbean island
with six jet skis.

Oh, come on, get over it.
Drink up. It's not that bad.

Can you just let me feel sad?

Not on st. Patrick's day.

You have a good time, and you
don't think about your problems.

That girl who threw up
in her hands,

She didn't sit around saying,
"eh, meh, my life sucks."

No, she threw
her hands in the air,

Hit a lot of people
with the vomit,

And kept the party going.

Yeah, the party was
all over everybody's shoes.

Look, it doesn't matter
that this is literally

The stupidest place I've ever
been in my whole frickin' life.

Let's get another
$40 roberto benigni

And keep our party going.

Come on, let's go.
There's no party here.

There may be a $3 million
bat mitzvah happening upstairs,

But there's no party here.

But I do know
where there is one.

We'll just take
the check, rolph.

And I just remembered
his name is dennis.

Max, I'm sorry if I rained
on your parade today.

Well, peed on it.

Don't worry about it.

Everything that means
something to me gets peed on.

Hey, girls!
I heard you left!

You missed me winning
the hula-hooping contest.

When did you learn
how to hula-hoop?

Once again, I do not know.

You're still rocking
the bagpipe ensemble.

I thought you wanted to keep

Your skirt wearing
on the low-low.

That was before I discovered
the sensation

Of a cool breeze circling
my bag and my pipe.

Hey! Max, caroline!

Excuse me, move it.
Move it. Move it.

Hey, move it.
Wanna break my big-ass clover?

Girls, where did you go?

We went to the plaza,
and I realized my life

May actually be richer now
than when I was rich.

Oh, no. Is it too late
to walk away?

Can you girls
loan me some cash?

I met a girl, and I need
money for the bus

Back from her sister's condo
in jersey city.

She said we've got to be quiet,
but I make no promises.

Sure. I gotcha, han.
What do you need, a 20?

Oh, what the hell? Take 50.
We can always make more.

Or not.

Look at you throwing
the cash around.

You know, girl, there might
be hope for you yet.

Jeanine, I'm good to go.

Told you, girls. 100%.

Looks like they're both
gonna get unlucky tonight.

Hey, max, caroline,
over here!

I save ya a couple of seats.

And a couple of firemen.

Uh, there's no place to sit.

Oh, you are so green.


Happy st. Paddy's day!
Where's me kiss?



Scotch and fish!