2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 18 - And the Near Death Experience - full transcript

Hi! Today's special is clam chowder,

and today's advice is: Don't eat it.

Do you have Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch?

[laughter]

You are really killing it tonight, Mary,

and leaving no evidence.
[laughter]

We're coming from Sherlock-con.

It's like Comic-con,
but for Sherlock Holmes fans.

So it's way cooler.

Excuse me for a sec.

There's another waitress here
who is gonna be

a big fan of all of this.

You're welcome for what
I'm about to show you.

Look, guess what they are.

Time-traveling lesbians.

We're not lesbians.

I am.

What is this?
What just let out?

A sale at the Burlington Coat Factory?

They're Sherlock Holmes super-fans
coming from a convention,

which means there are a lot of cats
home alone right now.

Well, I'd say the only mystery
is who here gets laid the least.

Hello.

Cracked it, Watson.

(peter bjorn and john)
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

One of those Sherlock ladies left
her carpal tunnel brace in here.

No address, but there's
a card that says,

"in case of emergency,
dial 1-800-chocolate."

And I'll take that.

Okay, everybody.

It's that time again.

The diner's big spring clean!

Oh, my God, has it been
six years already?

Too bad I just developed
carpal tunnel.

Max, do you think
you can fake a stroke?

Fake a stroke, fake an orgasm,

basically anything that will
get me out of work.

Okay, we have lots of chores to do,
and somebody will have to double up,

because earl asked me not to speak
to him for the rest of the night.

Didn't I tell you to keep
my name out your mouth?

So, girls, what do you say
we make it fun, huh?

I'll read a chore.
You raise your Haned.

Scrape the fat puddle
from under the stove!

No takers?

Next.

Clear the spider community
in the walk-in!

No takers?

Next.

Clear the spider community
in the dish room!

No takers?

Han, sorry, I can't clean.
I have carpal tunnel.

The doctor says I can't put
any pressure on my wrist.

And I can't clean either, Han.
It's my jaw.

I've got real bad "T.M.Z."

Oh, you girls are so full of crap,
like that third stall in the men's room.

Any takers?

She was so friendly
in the job interview.

Bonjour, Max.

Oh, Chef Nicolas.

Why am I seeing you
outside of pastry school?

Is it about my flan?

Because no one likes that stuff anyway.

Oh, no, that's not why I'm here.
I want to speak to Caroline.

But, yes, I gave your flan a "C"-minus.

It was flat.

Hmm. I'll go get her. Wow.

First time a teacher's
ever called me flat.

Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, my wrist!

Oh, I thought you were Han.

Please, I'm twice the man he is.

Nicolas is here.

What? No, no, no!

He can't be in my personal life!

I'm having a hard enough time avoiding
working with him at pastry school.

Did I just call the diner
my personal life?

I think so. I wasn't listening.
So what do I tell him?

Tell him he's married,
and I don't go out with married men.

Tell him what we had
was a passing flirtation.

Tell him now it's over,
and he has to move on.

Got it, you died in a grease fire.

She's not here yet.

Oh, well, will she be coming?

Will she be coming?
Nope, not anytime soon.

Okay, I'll text her.
Au revoir, Max.

Sir, don't take this the wrong way,

but you are one fine-looking man.

Well, thank you very much.

And back at you.

Tell me something I don't know.

Look at this.
Nicolas already texted me.

"Will you have dinner?"
what should I do?

Just ignore it, like I'm doing
with that table

That's flagging me down right now.

I'm putting a stop
to this Nicolas thing.

"I'll have dinner with you
when you leave your wife."

And se-end.

If you ever say "se-end" again,

We're not gonna be "fri-ends."

Hey, everybody!

I just got back from Sundance.

I saw ten Mark Ruffalo movies,
and I got to watch Catherine Keener DJ.

Whoever that is.

I was in an indie movie once.

Well, a guy filmed me eating a sloppy joe
in the dressing room of a sport chalet.

Sophie, how did you get
into the Sundance Film Festival?

Oh, I'm dating one of the bigwigs.

He drives the Miramax party bus,
and he wears a big wig.

So I'm thinking about producing
my own movie.

You know, getting into the biz, babe.

[clicks tongue]

Sophie, if you need an actor,
let me know.

But I'll only do full frontal.

I'll also do partial frontal
or just penis close-ups.

And if you need someone to play God,
a judge, or an old guy sitting on a porch,

I'm your man.

[upbeat alternative music]

Everyone, keep piping your cakes.

Keep piping.

Max, vite, vite.
You need to pipe that more.

That's funny, because
my high school guidance counselor

told me I need to pipe way less.

Max, you are falling behind today.

Where's your Deke?

In my pants, where it always is.

Oh, you mean Deke.

He's got the flu. It's everywhere.

No one can shake it.
It's like Taylor Swift.

Yeah, or Pitbull.

Okay, everyone, that's time.

I will see you all tomorrow.
Au revoir, class.

All: Au revoir, chef.

Let's go. Let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on, come on, hurry.
Let's get outta here.

What's the hurry?
You sound like my mother

whenever the real people who lived
in the house would come home.

We need to leave now,
while Nicolas is in his office.

I don't want him to see me.

I said everything I needed
to say to him in my last text.

Ooh, I smell scandal.

So I've been hiding
in the stairwell all day.

Guess where those stairs go.

A room where ten Vietnamese
women are making next year's "Prada."

And they do not like visitors.

Oh, is that where you were?

'Cause he asked me,
so I told him you were pooping.

Max, don't tell him I'm pooping!

There's no shame in it, Caroline.
Everyone poops.

I don't.

I just eat, digest,
and then an angel comes

and takes it away in the night.

Excuse me, John. This is private.

It's just between us girls.

I know.
That's why I'm standing here.

Okay, I'm ready. Let me just grab
the medicine I got for Deke.

Aw, that's sweet.
You got him antibiotics?

No, I got him Vicodin.
I want him to feel better.

I just have to make it
down the hall

until the elevator
without Nicolas catching me.

Oh, like sexual Frogger.

Game over.
Your frog just got hit by a car.

Caroline, there you are.

I can't help feeling you're
avoiding me or something.

Avoiding you? No!
I've been...

pooping.

For five hours?

She had a reluctant stool.

Oh, is that not helping?

Caroline, I have something to tell you.

Can we talk?

We're all waiting.

You know in your text
how you said that you won't

have dinner with me
while I'm still married?

Better clear some space on my DVR.

There's a new scandal.

Well, you can have dinner with me,
because I'm leaving my wife.

[gasps]

Uh, hello?
What happened?

Dude told you he was
gonna leave his wife,

And you left faster
than Vladimir Putin at a gay bar.

It's all a blur. I blacked out.

I don't even know how I got here.

I think I took the train, but, Max,

I might have taken the bus.

It came out of nowhere.

I never expected him
to leave his wife.

It came out of your thumbs
when you texted it to him.

Look, when I texted him that,
I was just being flirty.

Flirty is me not wearing underwear
To the times square M&M store.

So you really don't want him
to leave his wife?

No!

I mean, sure, maybe I fantasized about it,
but in my fantasy we were on a ski trip,

and I was jumping up and down, excited,
With my best friend Jennifer Lawrence.

Cool, maybe call Jen next time
the possum traps you by the garbage cans.

Look, I thought we were just
having a fun distraction.

You know, a couple kisses,
a dry hump here and there.

Oh, like the cheerleaders
with the good grades.

Exactly. I'm not the type of person
who wants him to leave his wife.

No, you're the type of person
who almost wants him to leave his wife.

Yes! Yes, that's me!
I'm the "almost" girl.

I almost lost my virginity 25 times.

This was my conversation with
my friends every Monday in high school:

"Did you?"

"Almost."

Funny, 'cause I almost
went to high school.

Max, I have to figure out
what to do about Nicolas

before he almost makes a big mistake
and leaves his wife.

He's not leaving his wife for you.

It's just a thing you say
to pretty women to get them into bed.

Like, "I'm a Russian prince,"

or, "That was a good story."

With a tank top collection
like yours,

I'm surprised
you have to say anything.

I know, right?

So you don't really think
he's serious about leaving her?

No. I've told dozens of women
I'm leaving my wife for them,

and I'm not even married.

Here in America.

That was nice of Oleg.

Just when you think you've seen
every part of a person,

'cause he's shown you on his phone,

he surprises you.

Oh, I feel so much better.

Nicolas is not going to leave her.

No, why would he leave her for you?

Well, you don't have to be
nasty about it.

[cell phone jingles]

Max, I just got another text
from Nicolas about him leaving his wife.

Oleg, now he says he's telling his wife
tomorrow at 4:00 that he's leaving her.

You got a timeframe?

Oh, if he puts a clock on it,
it's happening.

Pick-up, cantaloupe.

Max, there's a clock on it.

But isn't his wife in France?

Yeah, but they skype every day.

They're like the French Jetsons.

He's gonna skype break up with her?

That is low.

And smart.
Might steal that move one day.

Oh, good, I see your wrist is better,
and I'm gonna need some help.

The cleaning situation
has gotten a little complicated.

The spider communities are at war.

Han, I can't clean.

I'm in the middle
of ruining someone's marriage.

Then, Max, please.
Things are escalating quickly.

There was a discarded piece of ham,

and apparently both kingdoms
thought it was theirs.

Oh, no takers?

All right, enough with all this texting.
I need to stop this.

I have to go over to his place tomorrow,
and tell him face to face.

Tell him face to face?

I don't even have sex face to face.

I hope Nicolas takes
my breaking it off with him okay,

because in my fantasy when I told him,
he wouldn't take no for an answer,

bought me a plane, and I gave
Jennifer Lawrence a ride home.

In my fantasy,

a talking dragon gave me a cape
That belonged to Jesus.

But that's probably because I took
too many of Deke's Vicodin earlier.

The lobby told me
you were on your way up.

Caroline, I did not expect you.

But you knew I'd be coming?

We need to talk, and Max is here
for moral support.

I know how this works by now.

Come in.

Okay, how do I put this?

How do I put this? Nicolas,
I came here today to tell you...

to not do that.

But why?
I want you so much.

Okay, you...
You don't want me.

You don't even really know me.

I do. You're sexy
and funny and pretty and smart.

Okay, you know me a little.

Look, I am not the type of person
who breaks up marriages.

No, she's the "almost" girl.
She almost breaks up marriages.

Yes, yes, that's who I am.

So I don't want you to make that call,
and break up with your wife over Skype.

I am not breaking up with her
over Skype.

Okay, great, perfect.
No skype.

No.
[door buzzes]

Because that's her in the lobby.

I'm breaking up with her in person.

Oh, my God, that's your wife
in the lobby?

Your wife is here?
What are we gonna do?

Calm down. I can fix this.

You need a fake mustache,
a fistful of paprika, and a new passport.

If you don't have
all three of those things,

I can make it work with two,
as long as one of them is a mustache.

There's no other way out.

Come on, Max, we have to get
out of here now.

Oh, oh, yeah, and, uh...

Don't leave your wife for me.
Whatever we had, it's over.

Oh, and...

This shouldn't reflect badly
on me in school,

'cause I worked hard for that C-minus.

Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay, but only because she just
got out of the elevator.

She can't find me here.
I can't be this girl.

I don't want to be the whore
he's leaving her for.

[gasps]
That's my favorite Dr. Seuss book.

Caroline, what are you saying?

You were just leading me on
this whole time?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, Pepé Le Pew.

And, yes, I've been saving
that one for after finals.

It is not just Caroline.

You've been chasing after her harder than
a fat kid in a rolling doughnut contest.

- That's true.
- Wait, wait, Caroline.

Do we still have a shot or not?

No.

Then better go hide in the bathroom.

I don't want this screwing up
my marriage.

Both: What?

Well, if you're not going
to be with me,

I'm going to have to stay
with my wife.

I mean, I'm a man.
I cannot be alone.

Now, go, go, go.

She cannot find you here
in our apartment.

Why don't you just tell her the truth,
that nothing happened between us?

She will not believe me.

I have a history.

There are two of us here.

I also have that history.

[knock at door]

Nicolas, c'est moi.

Now go, please. That's the least
you can do after ruining my life.

Almost.
Almost ruined your life.

Come on, Max.

This is totally inconvenient.

My "C" better go up to a "B."

This is crazy, us hiding
in a married man's bathroom

like a couple of cheap floozies.

So far, I'm just hearing a factual
depiction of what's happening here.

Let me see what's going on.

[both speaking French]

I can't understand them.

I thought you spoke French.

Only enough to impress Americans.

Juliette:
Je dois utiliser les toilettes.

Oh, my God. Les toilettes.

Les toilettes, that's where we are.

She's coming in here!
What should we do?

Pretend we're hot plumbers?

Hide in the shower.

I think she might notice us.

You know that's all glass, right?

Let me just get you
a clean hand towel.

She has to pee-pee.

She can't come in here to use
the toilet, 'cause my life is in it.

I know, this is unfortunate.

So go out the window.

What?

It's not a problem.

There's a ledge wide enough
for you to walk

to the neighbor's terrace,
jump, and get away.

Stephanie did it.

Who's Stephanie?

That's... not important.

She's fine.

Now go.
You have to go.

Unless you think
you and I still have a shot.

I'll be on the ledge.

Come on, Max.

No way, not happening, Lucy.

If he loses his bad marriage,
I'm responsible.

Almost.
Almost responsible.

Max, I wouldn't even be
in this situation

if I wasn't working with him
to put you through pastry school.

Oh, so this is my fault?

Max, please just let it be your fault.

It's completely doable.

By the way, it's raining.

Come on.
We can do this.

We've crawled 15 feet on our roof
to get illegal cable.

Yeah, for the Breaking Bad finale!

Something worth dying for!

Oh.

Oh, my God, are you insane?

Get back in here!

Max, maybe you're right.

We should've taken
the hot plumber route.

I'm coming back.

My legs won't go!
Max, help me back!

Damn it.
Damn it, bitch.

[speaking French]

She's in the bathroom.

Oh, she closed the window.

[click]
And she locked it. So go.

Go, go!

If Stephanie did it, we can too.

I can't believe we're up here
all because of him.

I am such a bad judge of character.

Of course you are.
I'm your best friend.

Max, I'm sorry.
This is bad.

Well, at least it can't get
any worse, unless we fall.

[thunder rumbles]

- Oh!
- Or it starts to hail!

Ow! Ow!
Hurts like "hail!"

It's clear! Come on!

[whimpers]
I don't wanna die!

Me neither!

That's weird.

For the first time in my life,
I don't want to die.

I have a boyfriend and my first "B."

Oh, God, I'm getting soft!

I can't die!
I haven't made my comeback yet.

In my fantasy, you and I move into that
penthouse I bought from Jennifer Lawrence.

Right over there,
with the roof garden, see?

[screams]

[screams]
Are you two all right?

I mean, whoever you are.

Am I dead?

Almost. Almost dead.

Oh, my God.

What happened to you two?

Well, we crashed through a window.
It was pretty dope.

It was kinda like a Die Hard movie,

if they ever let girls do
cool stuff in those movies.

The necks all right?

We have whiplash, and I have
some bruises on my back.

Max took the brunt of the fall
but feels nothing,

because she's mostly made of Vicodin.

Well, I'm glad you survived,

because I don't know what
I would do without you around here.

Aw, thanks, Earl.

[whispers]
I meant you.

I know.

Max, how were you ever strong enough
to hold me up with one arm?

It's the arm I used to drag my mother
out of bars with as a baby.

Well, I want to say something to you.

I hope you know that if you were
the one that slipped on that ledge...

I would be dead.

Well, I'm glad that's out in the open.

Everybody!

I have an update about my life!

Oh, whoa.

What happened to you two?

Sophie, we had an accident.
It's a long story.

Yeah, all of yours are.

Well, I'm out of the movie business.

I broke up with my bigwig from Miramax.

We got in a huge fight,
and he threw his big wig at me.

He told me I'd never eat lunch
in this town again.

And I said, "Hey,

if I'm in town,
I'm eating lunch, baby!"

Oh, no.

No, no, no, I don't have
spider bites over half my body

So you two could fake another injury.

Nice try.

Oh!

Ooh, I'll bet that hurts.