2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 17 - And the Married Man Sleepover - full transcript

Hey, I'm sleeping
at Deke's house tonight.

Wink, wink, winky-wink.

Deke's house? You mean
your boyfriend's dumpster?

Yeah. So I need a, uh...

Tetanus shot?

Higher standards?

No, a condom.

I'm about to have sex,
and I want it to feel bad.

I should have one in my purse
from the last time I had sex.

They had purses
the last time you had sex?

No, we carried animal hides
tied with sticks.

It hasn't been that long.

Oh, here's one next to this
movie ticket stub from Precious.

Okay, it's been that long.

You saw Precious without a condom?

It says, "Best if used
before September 2012."

Just like the milk here.

I wish I knew a guy with a condom.

[whistling]

A man, any man.

Oleg, do you happen to have...

[rings bell]

Okay, this should get you
through the night.

But if it doesn't,

You can use this freezer bag
and a rubber band.

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Max, I laid out the little cups,

so all you have to do
is fill them with cole slaw.

Said the girl who was on the
Forbes "top ten to watch" list.

I can't do my side work tonight.

Normally I'd say
it's because I'm drunk,

But tonight it's because
my back hurts and I'm drunk.

Here, babe, I got you something
that might help your back feel better.

A breast reduction?

No!

Why would you spit in the face of God?

Everybody, calm down.
Those aren't going anywhere.

And if they are,
I am going with them.

I got some cooling patches
to soothe her muscles.

And when that doesn't work,

I have another brand
called "maui wowie."

- [bell rings]
- Oleg: Pickup.

- I'll see you later. Love you.
- Love you.

Deke, breath.
What is that?

Teriyaki beef jerky.
Why, is it bad?

No. Give me another hit.

That is delicious.

You know it.

Max, since you guys are getting serious,
why not go on the pill,

so every night you won't have to play
"What can we turn into a condom?"

The pill is, like, 50 bucks a month.

That's more than it costs
to raise a damn baby.

Well, your boyfriend's rich.
He can afford to pay for it.

Great, now I'm a white trash mom.

Uh-uh, no way.

I'm saving Deke's fortune
for more important things,

like Doritos Dinamita.

Pretty much the filet mignon
of corn chips.

I mean, I'd be on the pill right now,

But the one man interested
in me is married,

so I guess that's more of a bitter pill.

Seriously, Max. Think about it.

[scoffs] Fine. Why don't
guys have to take the pill?

We have to take all the pills.
Birth control, Midol, roofies...

Bonjour, Caroline.

Chef Nicolas.
What are you doing in the diner?

Oh, no, I never wanted you
to see me wearing this.

Yeah, so be a gentleman
and take a step back,

'cause as bad as it looks,
it smells worse.

I think you look beautiful.

Your wife looks beautiful.

Oh, yeah. Get it, girl.

May I see you alone
over there in the, uh...

I guess one would call it a restaurant?

But just for a minute. I'm working.

[sniffs]

What's that smell?

That's today's special. Beef pot pie.

Oh, it doesn't smell like beef.

That's because it's not beef,

it's not made today,
and it's not special.

Listen, Caroline.

We have all this relationship drama,

And we're not even in a relationship.

Please get to know me better.

Come to my home for dinner.

Dinner at your home, just you and me?

How do you think your wife
would feel about that?

We have an open relationship.

Did you think I'm the type of man

who would have sex with another
woman without asking my wife?

That is so American.

Max?

Why are you calling Max?

I want to make sure
I haven't lost my mind.

Nicolas said he told his wife about me,

and she gave him permission
for us to sleep together.

Ha! Good one!

My boss at Quiznos once told me
his wife's dying wish

was that I let him motorboat me.

Okay, so she may have been
motorboated out of Quiznos.

But I am not falling for this.

Yes, I thought you wouldn't believe me,

so I set up a Skype call
with her from France on Friday.

Wait, you want me to Skype
with your wife about sex?

Am I on Dr. Phil?

Hey, everybody.

I got a new dress, and it's bitchin'.

Oh.

Hey, look at him. Oh.

Nobody told me they added
beefcake to the menu.

Excuse me, beefcake has been on the menu
since I started working here.

Wow, wow.

Finally...

There's somebody in the diner
as good-looking as me.

[laughs]

Hi, I'm Sophie Kuchenski.

Nicolas Saintcroix.

[gasps]
Ah!

And he's French too?

Oh, come on!

I'm sorry, I was in the middle
of a conversation with Caroline.

[sighs, moans]

Who?

Me, the one whose feet
you're standing on.

Oh.

Oh, wait a minute.

Is this the married guy?

Oh, girl!

I'm gonna give you two days'
head start, and then he's mine!

[laughs]

Why do you care what his wife
thinks about your hair?

You're not gonna be sleeping with her.

Although you'd be a lot
more interesting if you did.

I'm not gonna be
sleeping with him either.

And when I tell his wife that,
I want to look good doing it.

I have to look 20% better than her.

And since Skype makes you
look 20% worse,

I have to look 40% better
than I do now.

You realize talking about math in
a hair salon is my worst nightmare, right?

Welcome to the Tristan Evans salon.

Hi, hello. We're here for the...
[quietly] student haircut.

I'm sorry?

The $6 haircuts for poor people

from the people who don't really
know how to cut hair yet.

Max, that's not true.
This is the Tristan Evans salon.

I'm sure that everyone that's
enrolled here is a genius.

At least tell me they're gay.

Just have a seat over there.

I'll have somebody come up
from the hair school and...

Shh! So loud.

Hair school. Got it.

We'll just take a seat
over there till they arrive.

Girl, you just sit there, relax,

and let Jameis make this head major.

So weird, 'cause I majored
in head. [chuckles]

Girl, you are all everything.

Ah...oh!
[chuckles]

That's a little cold.

I'm sorry,
what was your name again?

Dan.

Uh-huh. Dan?
So just Dan?

You're not, like,
a Danny or a Dantrell?

Dan.

I need to get conditioner.

Damn it, Max, I got a straight one.

What makes you think
he's straight?

He keeps pushing my head down
before I'm ready.

Is the water too warm?

Why? Are my pants too wet?

Girl, are we in love?

Max, I need you to give me your gay.

[scoffs]
Yeah, right.

I'd give you my left nut
before I give you my gay.

You weren't even
gonna get your hair done.

Yeah, but I always wanted to know
what it felt like to get a shampoo

without a school nurse running
that tiny comb through my hair.

Dan?

I have a magazine over there

with a photo of a chic,
piece-y, choppy bob.

You can do that, right?

Sure.

Piece-y bob. Got it.

'sup?

Dan, Dan, Dan!

Okay, done.
You're ready to cut.

Let's go. I can't risk some
discount hetero cutting my hair.

I'll see you at home.
I'm pretty close to a hairgasm.

[scoffs]
That should've been mine.

I haven't had a hairgasm in years.

She hasn't had any gasm in years.

Ooh!

[Caroline gasps]

Oh, my god!

Max, is that hair
your new form of birth control?

You look like Dame Edna.

That's what I asked for!

Hellooo!

Now my outside matches my inside,

because I've always been
an old drag queen

trapped inside the body
of a young black girl.

[knock on door]

Hellooo!

Oh, hi, Max.

Oh, I used to wear my hair like that.

I used it to smuggle cheese
and cigarettes into the prison.

Oh, hey, Caroline.

Just checking.

Still not sleeping with that French guy
that I'm sleeping with?

Still not, Sophie.
He's married.

Well, good.

'cause I'm here to talk to that wife,
and throw my hoo-ha into the ring.

I even bought myself a flat French hat
to make me more French.

Yeah, I got me the hat 'cause I didn't
have time to grow out my pits.

Okay, the call is in one minute.
I'll just do it from here.

I was planning to be holding
my Louis Vuitton shopping bag,

but the cat took a dump in it.

And, Max, bring that lamp
closer to my face,

So I don't have eight Skype chins.

Fine, but if I get too close to
the bulb, my hair might blow up.

[Skype chiming]

Here she is.

Sophie, good-bye.

Oh, no, I'm not leaving, baby.

That French hottie and I
are perfect for each other.

I mean, look at me.

I'm wearing a beret.
I have a baguette.

Bonjour, bitches!

Okay, take a deep breath,
and remember, this is ridiculous.

Bonjour, Caroline.

Bonjour. You must be Juliette.

It is nice to meet you.

And you as well, Juliette.

I just want to set the record
straight about Nicolas and I.

I am not the type of...

Yes, you have my permission
to sleep with Nicolas.

Au revoir.
[Skype chimes]

That's it? She's gone?

I didn't even get to say
"hos before bros" in French.

So much more to say.

What more is there to say?

She said we could sleep with him.

No, I'm never sleeping with Nicolas,
no matter what his wife says.

Good, 'cause you could never
share a French guy.

You won't even share your French toast.

Thanks for coming.

I promise, just one drink at Nicolas's,
and then we'll go to the movies.

And, Max, I can't believe
you went out with that hair in public.

I like it.

You look like my aunt Esther,
but not as hot.

Oh, Caroline.

I see you brought Deke

And Max's mother?

The only thing this hair and my mother
have in common is they're both high.

Nicolas, I'm not staying.

I know you went to a lot
of trouble with dinner,

so I didn't want to be rude, but
we can only stay for one drink.

God, you look beautiful.

Maybe two drinks.

But definitely no dinner.

[burps]

Well, that dinner we weren't
staying for was delicious.

Yeah, we should not stay more often.

I like your loft, man.

It's the perfect place to live
if you like to commit really sexy crimes.

Well, we should go.

No. You're not staying for dessert?

You're breaking my heart.

Well, maybe just one piece.
We can share it.

[speaks French]

I thought you didn't want to share.

He's not married to his dessert, Max,
and it's just one piece.

We're here, so he doesn't get a piece.

You got a pretty sweet setup
for a married man who's single.

Creme caramel au coconut cake.

Well, it's no Fudgie the Whale.

Thanks.

I love to cook for friends.

Beautiful friends.

Nicolas, just because
your wife gave me permission

does not mean I'm gonna
let you take me over

To that king-size bed with what
looks like really good sheets

and make love to me all night long.

And then again that morning.

So how's your back, Esther?

Oh, Morty.

I have to tell you something.

Is it your heart?

No, I'm on the pill.

I know.
You're on a lot of pills.

No, a pill-pill.

The pill-pill-pill?

Yeah, see?

You just pop 'em out one at a time.

They're like pez for sluts.

Speaking of sluts...

Oh, boy, this is awkward.

And I've testified
against half my family.

I agree, Max.
Things are a little uncomfortable.

So why don't we just make this
as weird as possible?

Damn it, I knew he was gonna kill us.

[tango music plays]

Tango, anyone?

Honestly, I prefer if you kill us.

Okay, well, we gotta go, Esther.

No, Morty, sit down!
I'm not missing the show.

It comes with dinner.

Tango? Nicolas, you cannot be serious.

Oh, maybe you cannot dance,
Caroline?

Can't dance?

One summer, I taught ballroom
dance to homeless teens.

Because when you're dancing,
you're not hungry?

Fast-forward.

This is my least favorite part
of the Addams Family.

- Look at his pants.
- I know.

That tango is giving him
even less ball room.

[chuckles]

Stay. We don't have to have sex.

We don't?

I promise.

I have to go to the restroom, Max.
So do you.

Come in, come in,
come in, come in, come in.

Okay, where's the coke?

There is no coke.

Why would you call anyone
into a bathroom if you don't have coke?

That's rude.

No, I was just gonna talk to you.

Oh, then I'm definitely
gonna need coke.

Okay, look.
You are not sleeping with him.

Of course not.

But tonight I'm thinking
there's something special here.

I mean, we talked, and we laughed.

What is this,
"previously on Caroline"?

Hey.

If you guys are doing blow
in here without me,

I'm gonna be so pissed.

I wish.

No, Caroline wants
to have sex with Nicolas.

Even after that tango?

Listen, now I'm thinking I want
to sleep over, but not have sex.

Is that where he puts it in
but doesn't move it around?

That's what I do
when you're passed out.

That's what I do when you're passed out.

Look, nothing is
going in anywhere.

I just want to get to know him better.

You really think you can
sleep in his bed with him,

and not use his penis
as a body pillow?

Of course.

I've done that with every boy
on the upper east side.

That's why they called me
the East Side Snuggler.

And trust me,

even though his wife begged me
to have sex with him,

I'm not going to.

But didn't you tell us the whole
reason you dragged us here

was because you were afraid
of being alone with him?

What is this,
"previously on Caroline"?

Look, I get it.

And if you two really don't think
I'm capable of not having sex with him,

Then hang out for a bit
until you're sure that I'm fine.

Fine, but we are not staying all night.

Here are some blankets for you,
Max and Deke.

You can take the couch.

Caroline and I will take the bed.

Once again, our apologies.

We are just too drunk to go.

Too drunk!

You did share that one glass of wine.

Yup, we are too drunk.
[chuckles]

So, too drunk to walk?

Well, I don't know.
You be the judge.

I am so sorry about this.

It's fine, Caroline.

I know what's going on here.

Oh, and, Nicolas, before you go,

I just wanted to say
thanks again for the drinks,

the dinner, the dessert,

my pillow, and Deke's pillow.

We get it, Grandma. Good night.
We'll be right over there.

And I'll be right over here.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let
the bedbugs have sex with you.

Uh, you and I are gonna
do it, right?

Oh, yeah. Think I took
my pill this morning.

Either that or I didn't take my pill.

Wow, Max, this is a big step

that you may or may not
have taken today.

You know if it's too much trouble,
we don't have to go off condoms.

So you're the one guy in the world
who wants to still wear a condom?

Do you have something?

No, it's not like that.

I'm just saying the pill
is a big commitment.

Oh, so do you not want
to take this step?

Because I already went
to planned parenthood,

And I never plan anything.

Max, I guess I'm just surprised...

Hold that thought.

- I hear nothing.
- So?

So that's what Caroline
sounds like during sex!

Keep talking like I'm here.

Uh...

Ah, oh, yeah, baby!

Right there!
That's the spot!

Yeah, now slap my face with 'em!

Well, if you were still here,
that's what I'd be saying.

I'm sorry, I'll switch it up.

Uh, go fish, Max.

- Max, what are you doing?
- What are you doing?

We're fine.
We're just lying here talking.

No, we're not.
I'm really turned on.

Why?
What's he doing to you?

It's not him, it's me.
I'm the predator here.

You were right. You better stop me.
Get up here with us.

[scoffs] I'm not getting
in bed with you.

Max, get in the bed.

I know a Jaques-block when I see one.

I am so sorry.

This is silly.
I know it must be hard for you.

Uh, not anymore.

You know, last night
when you and I were in bed,

I realized I guess Nicolas is just gonna
be one of those people in my life

that I'm always gonna almost
have sex with, but I never will.

You know?

Yeah, like me and you.

- Hey, Deke.
- Hey, Earl.

Best conversation I had today.

Max, last night I got the idea
that maybe you thought

that I didn't want to take our
relationship to the next level.

What is this,
"previously on Deke"?

And just to prove that I do
want to go to the next level,

I got you a ring.

[gasps]

Oh, my God, Max!
I'm so happy for you!

Even though I thought I'd be
the first one to get engaged.

I think we all thought that.

Deke, I don't know what you're gonna pull
out of your pocket, but it better be a gun.

Actually, I know you don't
want a ring-ring.

But how about a NuvaRing?

A NuvaRing?

How did you know my size?

I can't wait to try it on.

Well, I am not throwing you
a shower for that.

After I saw how you maybe forgot
to take your pill on day one,

and then took pills all day
just to be safe,

I thought you'd need a little help.

So there, Max. Will you not
have children with me?

You're damn right I won't.

Oh, wait, I think these
take a couple days to work.

Where are we gonna
get a condom for tonight?

[whistling]

[cash gistre bell dings]