2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 15 - And the Icing on the Cake - full transcript

Max, your boyfriend is naked and waving
from the dumpster he calls his apartment.

Make sure it's Deke.
Last time you said that, I went over,

and it was just a naked meth head
in a normal dumpster.

I mean, we had a blast,
but still.

Well, at least that meth head
bought a bunch of cupcakes.

I mean, he thought they were alive,
but he bought them.

- Hey, I'm gonna cut out early.
- You're sleeping over again?

Seriously, Max, sleeping in a dumpster?
Are you trying to bring SARS back?

Well, I did bring it in
the first time,

and that is the last time
I hook up with a bat in Thailand.

Hey, Max.

Season 3, Episode 15
"And The Icing On The Cake"

Max is 45 minutes late.

And she better not say
she have a prostate exam

'cause I'm not falling
for that again.

Relax, she's just down
the street at Deke's place.

You know how it is when you first
start sleeping with somebody,

and you can't keep
your hands off each other...

Yeah, just take
my word for it.

I know I couldn't keep my hands
off my first love.

I'm talking, of course,
about my penis.

I've had enough!
You two girls walk all over me.

A baby can walk
all over you.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, I just heard two hobos
getting freaky in the garbage.

Sophie,
that was Max and Deke.

Oh, I get it.

You gotta do crazy things
to keep it fresh.

You know, I once had sex
on a bus, and I was driving it.

Boy, were those kids
late to school.

That's it, I am marching over there
and putting my foot down with Max.

No one has sex
on my clock.

Well, maybe your clock's
not big enough.

That's it.
No more free jell-o.

Max!

Max, open up.
I'm very upset.

More upset than that time
you enrolled me in Little League.

Hey, it was your decision
to play the full season.

Oh, goody, I was hoping for some
hecklers at this, my lowest moment.

Hey, if the dumpster's rockin',
don't bother knockin', baby.

Hey, man.

Hello, little girl.

I'll take three boxes
of Samoas and a thin mints.

Don't forget
my tagalongs.

They're called
peanut butter patties now.

Why must I be that person?

- What up, fools?
- Hey, girl.

Max, you're 48 minutes
late for work.

Look, little Debbie,

we're in here preparing for a big
pastry school competition tomorrow.

And having sex.

And if you ever interrupt me
while I am studying...

And having sex.

Again, I will dropkick
your baby-powdered ass

back to the Shire
with the other hobbits.

I told her.

Did you?

All flowers must be set on top
of the cakes by the time we call "time."

Everyone,
final touches.

That's what I used to say when
I finished my shift at Hooters.

Hot. You still got
that uniform?

Oh, not sure it'd fit me anymore.
I used to have really big boobs.

Bebe, how much time
is there left?

For all of us?

Oh, oh, gosh,
I'd say two months, tops.

No, no,
for the cake competition.

- Oh, 60 seconds.
- Only 60 seconds? Come on!

I'm sorry, I can't handle
this pressure.

It's only a matter of time before
I start eating my eyelashes again.

The winning team will earn
a free week of class.

And also... how do you say...
Bragging rights.

Hurry! Move
faster, Lindsay Slow-Hands.

Forget about it, Big Mary.
These competition is ours.

Deke and I are broke.
We need this more than you.

15 seconds!

Oh, bonjour, Caroline.
This is a real treat.

Mm-mm, uh-uh, don't do that.
You're married.

I'm only here in an official capacity.
Bebe's in an emotional ball in the hall.

- Ten seconds!
- Come on, girl.

Bring it home, bring it home,
bring it home, bring it home!

I am way too excited
about this.

Okay, everybody.
I see a clear favorite here.

But, Caroline,
in truth,

if I were to pick the prettiest
flower in the room, I'd pick you.

That is... Incredibly obvious

and incredibly accurate.

Oh, come on!
Get a stairwell!

- Your timer.
- Merci.

Just tell us who won.

The winners are,
I am very happy to say...

Max and Deke.

You were amazing!
I love you.

I love you too.

Wait, you do?

Do you...?

Yeah... I do.

Yeah, well, I do too,

so suck on that.

Okay, two important things.

One, I'm the guy you've been
talking to on OK-Cupid.

And two, I need five minutes
of girl talk

and not a minute more because
I'm worried it'll turn me into a girl.

Go. Tell me. Leave nothing out,
leave everything in.

I said something today
I never thought I'd say.

"Thank you"?

I said "I love you"
to Deke.

He said, "I love you,"
and I said it back.

Oh, cool.
Good for you.

Wait, that's it?

I finally decide to cave and be a girl
for you, and you hang me out to dry?

I've seen movies. You're supposed
to jump around and say,

"This calls
for a Margarita!"

This calls
for a Margarita!

Too much, too late.

Your first reaction said everything,
and your second one was just annoying.

I'm sorry, I just didn't think
you were taking him so seriously.

He has no money. I mean,
the man lives in a dumpster.

You are such a snob.

It doesn't bother you
he has to move his house

every Tuesday
between 10:00 and 2:00?

No, I've always wanted
to travel.

Come on, you can't really be
in love with him, right?

I mean,
you can't love Deke.

Max, you're in love with that cute
mochaccino homeless guy with the Jew-fro?

He is not homeless. He lives
in a beautifully decorated dumpster.

So homeless?

I get it.

You know, I used to be engaged
to a man who lived in the sewers.

Yeah, the heart wants
what it wants.

Plus he told me he was friends
with the Mutant Ninja Turtles,

and they were
a huge deal at the time.

At the time?

If he can introduce me
to Donatello, get him back.

How did you know
you loved this... Sewer man?

Well, he made me laugh.

He was very passionate,

and I wanted
to be with him constantly.

Probably because he got me
hooked on heroin.

That was a crazy summer.

See?
I feel the same way.

Minus the heroin part,
unfortunately.

Hey, can I use your bathroom? I have
to tinkle, and there's a wasp in mine.

Go ahead, Sophie.

What's that look?
Is the wasp behind me?

I can't believe you.

Even after three years
of being friends with me,

you still have a thing
against poor people.

Max, you love him, I can love him.

I just have to get
to know him better.

Invite me over to the garbage can
for a wine and cheese party.

Wait a minute.
Wine and cheese party?

Oh, I'm gonna bring
my new boy toy.

He's the Caesar salad pepperer
at the Olive Garden.

No dates, Sophie.

The place is so small, I once
accidentally took it home in my purse.

This camembert smells like feet,
so you know it's good.

Look at you, Mayor McCheese.
So fancy.

It's just the usual diner crew,
you know.

We serve
imitation imitation crab.

Well, I just wanted
to class the place up for you.

You know, get some wine,
get some cheese, flush.

You did not need to do that.
I love that you live here.

And if a dumpster was
good enough for me as a baby,

it is still good enough for me
as an adult.

Oh, you love that I live here.
Do you love anything else?

Well, I loved The Karate Kid movies
until Will Smith's kid ruined them.

Okay, can we please be serious
for a minute?

Did you just say "I love you"
because I said it first?

Look, honestly, yes.
But I definitely meant it, I think.

Look, I suck at this stuff.

This and not laughing
when kids fall.

Just know that if/when I say it again,
I will mean it.

I can totally wait...
I love you, Max.

Nice try, sneaky.

Oh, hi. Come on in.

And be nice.
Remember, you barely have a bed.

Don't worry.
I love this area.

I met your neighbor,
the mattress.

Oh, that queen?

So would you like a cabernet
or a Shiraz?

Shiraz.

Oh, that's a real name?

Some interesting pairings here.

In fact, I'm looking
at one as we speak.

Please, someone else
come right now.

Hi, everyone!
I'm here.

Please, someone else
come right now.

I brought some homemade
kimchi bin dae duk.

Would you like to try it, or should I
just throw it right into the garbage?

It took me a year to get this kind
of smell out of here, but thanks, Han.

Oh, what a dump.

I thought of that
on the way over.

All right, let's do this.

I'm ready to rage
all night, baby.

Oh, hell no.
I am too old for this.

Sophie, watch your head.
You might wanna take your heels off.

Take my heels off?

Communist Russia couldn't get me
to take my heels off.

Hey, Earl, you wanna go
get drunk somewhere

we don't have to bend over
till we want to?

Indeed, I do.

Not to brag, but I'm the only one
who can stand up in here.

Cool brag, Han.

- So, Deke, tell me about yourself.
- Hey, stop Guantanamo Bay-ing him.

Well, I go to pastry school,
I live in a dumpster,

and I was thrown out of One Direction
for being too handsome.

- That's about it.
- There must be more to you than that.

I mean, I'm surprised to see a Roquefort
cheese paired with a 2001 Syrah

from the Rhone region of France
at a dumpster party.

Where'd you learn
about wine?

Well, I wanted to impress you, and
I keep my adult grape juice game on point.

So where are you from originally? Did
you grow up in a storage facility or...

Will you stop?

He looks nervous like
the fat guy at a birthday party

when he finds out
there's a pool.

Coming, coming.

Good.
We have the right dumpster.

I brought some wine.
Bebe brought cheese.

Kind of.

Hey, guys, thanks for inviting me.
Happy to be included.

All right,
another babe.

Throw your keys in the bowl.
Right now, it's just me and Han, and...

That ain't happening.

What is Nicolas doing here?
Hide me.

I think you're gonna
run into him.

- Sorry, I thought you were into him.
- I'm not into him.

Please, Caroline, relax.
It's just a party. I'm here as a friend.

- Then where is your hand?
- On your beautiful bottom.

Sorry, it's crowded. It was
either there or in the sink.

- Please remove it.
- I-I did.

That one's mine, baby.

Come on, it's 8:45,
and nobody's got their tops off.

Somebody's gotta
do something.

Oh, one time I played
Seven Minutes in Heaven.

Well, I got hit by a bus, and
I was dead for seven minutes.

Bebe, do you want some wine?

Sure, why not? I don't have anything
to do tomorrow except move to Canada.

What?

Yeah, no biggie. Long story short,
they found me.

Caroline, looks like it's gonna be
just you and me in the office.

Nicolas, please. What did I
tell you about your hand?

That's me!

I was trying to push my way
to the cheese.

Hey, Bebe Gun, if you're ever in Alberta,
hit the Fairmont at Banff... super fun.

I got wasted and cannonballed
into the lake there once.

It was frozen.
Shattered my pelvis.

Good times.

Hey, I know that place.
Fairmont Chateau on Lake Louise?

We used to winter there.
That's a really exclusive resort.

I once saw them tell Barbra Streisand
to take it to the holiday inn.

Caroline, you want
some of my triple crème?

I don't want
any of your crème.

You know what, it's getting
a little crowded in here.

I'm just gonna slip out
without anyone noticing.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me.

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So...

Deke... what do you think?
Do you like him now?

Well, before tonight, I thought he was
the guy who walks around singing,

"When you're sliding into home and your
shorts are full of foam, diarrhea."

Now I find out he knows
all about cheese

and has been to this massively expensive
resort, so I'm even more confused.

What's confusing?
The foam is diarrhea.

Caroline, wait.

- Let me walk with you.
- No, no, no. I'm good.

Please, at least take my scarf.
It's cold.

No, I'm fine...

- Are you okay? Here, let me help.
- No, Nicolas.

I am not going
to be the other woman.

Despite the fact that I am literally
lying in trash, I am not trashy.

Caroline, listen.

Things aren't always
what they seem.

Just because that is garbage
on the outside

doesn't mean that it cannot be
a nice apartment on the inside.

Just because I'm married on the outside
doesn't mean I'm married on the inside.

Life is complex.

Your whole thesis is hinged
on the fact

that I think that dumpster
is nice on the inside,

which I don't.
Good night.

- Oh, Caroline...
- Nicolas, please don't beg.

- I just...
- Maybe another world, another life.

- I want...
- You can't leave your wife for me.

- No, it's just...
- Seriously! You don't have to say it.

No, I do.

You have a diaper
on your back.

I am aware.

What are you working on there? Is that
a family having a picnic at a park?

No,
it's the letter "G"!

I haven't written anything
by hand since 1996.

Well, my writing's really good. I forge
a lot of checks and prescriptions.

I'm kind of a famous doctor.

___

You're really saying it.
That says, "I love you."

No, it's Khloe Kardashian
windsurfing.

Yes, Deke, I love you.

Oh, Bebe.

I wasn't expecting you today.
I thought you moved.

I'm on my way. My car's outside, but
I remembered I left my medication here.

Okay, now where's
the big one?

Well, as long
as you're here,

could you show me where
the student financial files are?

Sure, they're here in this folder
I've labeled "Depressing."

I wanna check Deke's file
and see if he's on scholarship.

He's definitely
not on scholarship.

His family's super rich.
He's a Bromberg.

Wait, Bebe.
Bromberg?

I thought Deke's last name
was just "Berg."

As in "Ice-" or "Pitts-."

No, he just goes
by Berg for short.

You know, like me,
my full name is Bebebebe.

So you're telling me Deke
is from the Bromberg family,

as in the Bromberg Elevators... the ones
that are in every building in the city?

As in the Bromberg Colo-Rectal
Center at the New York Hospital?

Yeah.

You know, I once left a purse and
2 feet of my large intestine there.

Nice knowing you.
Bye.

Ooh, I'll be right back.

If you mess up our batter,
I'll cut your thing off.

Sweet, I could stand
to lose 5 pounds.

I have some exciting news
to share.

Unless it's about an off-season
Shamrock Shake, I don't care.

Your Deke... dumpster Deke...
is actually Deacon Bromberg.

Of the Manhattan Brombergs!
He's rich!

What are you talking about?
That is crazy.

I would know if he were rich. I wouldn't
have just told a rich guy I love him.

It's all right here.
Isn't this amazing?

This is like buying a dress you love
and finding out it's rich.

___

- Whoa, why'd you do that?
- You're rich.

- Max, wait.
- You pretended to be poor. Liar.

Ooh, lordy be.

This kind of drama's the reason why
I quit the Ohio State Football Team.

Why are you so upset?

Lying about being rich
is at most a little white lie.

It is literally the whitest lie I have
ever heard, and it's a huge deal.

I never would have fallen in love
with someone who has money.

We are drastically, massively,
monumentally different people.

Hey, Max, can we talk?

Oh, I don't know.
Depends on who I'm talking to.

Am I talking to Deke or Deacon
Bromberg, the elevator king?

Man, if you're this upset
about the money,

how are you gonna react when
you find out I'm really a woman?

We wouldn't care.

I never tell anybody I'm rich
until after we say I love you

because I don't want money
to change anything.

Money changes everything!

Now excuse me.
I gotta do my second job,

which you wouldn't
know anything about.

Don't you have
an Ascot Convention to get to?

Still here.

Also, two customers
just showed up.

We don't need their money!

We're big, fat liars pretending
to be poor too.

Mm, yeah,
my mom invented dogs.

Any time someone buys a dog,
we get 10%!

Now I can't believe it.

Even after three years
with me as a friend,

you still have a thing
against rich people.

Mm-hmm, I do,
because rich people suck.

They think they're better than
everyone and are generally sucky.

So he has money,
I don't want it.

Again, just wildly
different people.

And, Max, just because
he's rich on the outside

doesn't mean he's not like you
on the inside.

Life is complex.

I don't wanna see you right now!

Hey... I don't wanna
see you either!

Just toss me some chocolate
with some cream in the middle!

And speaking of cream
in the middle...

Your little homeless boyfriend
is tryin' to get your attention.

___

He's not homeless, he's not
my boyfriend, he's rich.

Rich...?
And he's single...?

Oh, maybe I will
take off my heels!