2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 14 - And the Dumpster Sex - full transcript

[Rap music]

Max, that car has been parked
outside for a week now.

Do you think they're selling drugs?
Let me rephrase that.

Are they selling drugs
to you?

No. They're not
buying, either.

Hi. We have a new
mochaccino cupcake.

Oh, no. No, no, no.
That car's not with us.

Well, that's the third customer that
didn't stop because of that rap car.

To be fair, this place
wasn't Walmart on Black Friday

before the car showed up.

I'm gonna go ask it to move.

Cool. I'll tell your horse
you died brave.

Stupid, but brave.

At least take this pan,
and cover the part

you wanna get shot in
the least.

Hi. Can I talk to you
for a second?

I need to see your head
at all times.

[Rap music blaring]

First of all,
they're obsessed with me.

Second of all,
I handled it.

Aah!

Have I been shot?

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Season 3, Episode 14
"And the Dumpster Sex"

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Well, I did it.
I saved the neighborhood.

You had a car towed. You didn't
burn down the Bed, Bath & Beyond.

It wasn't the blue one
with the tinted windows,

aka, the murder car?

Aka, the murder car?

Tell me that's the name
of the make and model,

like, "The Toyota murder".

Are you sure you're not thinking
of the Honda stabbing?

Caroline, some guy stopped by
asking for you

with a festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo.

A festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo...

are you sure
it wasn't my mother?

He said he wanted to talk to you about
his car, so I gave him your number.

- Han!
- I thought he was your friend.

I don't have friends
with tattoos.

I don't even have friends
with split ends.

You gave
a stranger my number.

Your number, your email,
and your address.

What?
You're a busy girl.

I didn't know the best way
for him to reach you.

Oh, my God.
Max, am I in trouble?

[Bell rings]
Pick-up, dead meat.

What does that mean?

It means it's never a good idea to have
a car with tinted windows towed.

That's rule number one.

I thought rule number one was,
"Always wipe front to back."

- Max, I'm worried.
- Me too.

I thought it was
back to front.

What's up, Nat King Cool?

Hey, my brother
from a Jewish mother.

Hey, my daddy
that just smoked a fatty.

Oh, look, Max,
it's your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.
We just made out.

I make out with people
all the time.

I made out with a guy
in the diner last week.

That wasn't making out.

He was choking,
and you gave him mouth-to-mouth.

Yeah, but it led to sex.
Go away.

Hey, Max, I came in
to ask you something.

They're natural,
and they hurt my back.

I also wanted to know if you
want to hang tomorrow night.

We could watch TV
with our shirts off.

Maybe. And I'll buy you
some dinner if you put out.

Ooh, so like a date.

I'm willing to throw
$10, $15 at this thing.

You want to throw $15
at my thing?

Great.

I usually charge $5.

You came all the way here
to ask me out?

I'm old-fashioned. Plus,
I dropped my phone in the toilet.

- See ya tomorrow.
- Okay.

Now go.
I have a job to not do.

- Okay.
- Go, idiot.

Okay, dummy.

(All)
Aww.

Okay, Han,
I can't hold you up anymore.

Max, I think I just saw the murder
car go by, out the bathroom window.

- What exactly did you see?
- A car.

No, seriously, I think
it followed me home.

Well, three years ago, you
followed me home, so we're even.

There you go, Nancy.

Okay, I'm off on my date.

You can't leave me here alone.
There's a murder car out there.

- Relax. No one is after you.
- Oh, really?

What about the person
who yelled,

"Watch yo back, bitch",
when we were walking home?

That was me,
to that girl scout.

If you tell someone
you're carrying thin mints,

you best be carrying
thin mints.

Max, you're coming back
tonight, right?

I'm kind of afraid. I've never
been here alone at night.

If you don't want to be alone,
why don't you call Han?

Very funny.

I did. Han's busy.

He's going to a country
square dance on Second Life.

It's an online game, but he says
it's more of a lifestyle.

Don't you have to have a first life
to have a second life?

Max, please stay.

Call Deke and cancel, or else you might
come home to find me in a pool of blood.

Oh, I always wanted a pool.

[Knock at door]

Oh, no, it's them,
here to kill me.

It couldn't be. I haven't paid
them all the money yet.

Oh, hi, girls.

You know, I just came
from the dentist's office.

Did you know that
Michael Jackson died?

Oh, and Farrah Fawcett too?

Oh, no, I've got to sit down.

Well, since you're here, do you want
to stay and have a girls' night?

Oh, that's sounds like fun.

It's just me and you.
Max has a date.

And Caroline's afraid
to be alone.

Well, if you don't want
to be alone,

then why do you act
the way you do?

I got to go meet Deke.

We are going out
to get wasted,

hopefully to the point of blowing
chunks on each other's shoes.

But imagine it a little
less romantic than it sounds.

Well, Caroline,
it's just me and you.

- I know. I thought it'd be fun if...
- Well, we tried.

Good night.

Don't go. Dangerous
people are after me.

You know, in Poland,
when the Cossacks came,

we would boil water and
then throw it in their faces,

and then make soup.

Anyway, have a good one.
[Cell phone ringing]

Wait.

Hello?

Rula? Yes.

No, I have absolutely nothing
to do tonight.

Well, Nancy, looks like
it's just you and me.

Yep, you and me
and this magazine from 2009.

Ah, 2009... The last year
I had anything.

Let's see, Nancy.
What are we gonna read here?

"New York City,
more dangerous than ever."

Okay, that's it.
We're done.

[Car horn honks]

That's just a horn, right?
Or is it a signal?

No offense, Nancy, but we really
need a dog in this situation.

Oh, guess what. We happen
to be in my neighborhood.

Oh, you are smooth.

Also, you aggressively
steered me here

and stopped at a bodega
to buy me condoms.

So you want to come back
to my place, and...

♪ Brown chicken
brown cow? ♪

Brown chicken what?

You know, "Bowm chicka
bowm bowm," but I made it...

♪ Brown chicken,
brown cow ♪

So you thought of that in your head, and
your brain was like, "That's okay to say"?

No, my brain was like "don't say it, don't
say it, don't say it, don't say it".

And then it was...
♪ Brown chicken, brown cow ♪

Well, this is me.

What do you want me to say...
"Congratulations. You live in a building"?

No, that would be lame.
I don't live in a building. I live here.

- Where? All I see is a dumpster.
- (Deke) Yeah, it's my apartment.

I converted it,
and I live inside.

It's totally green.

I mean, it's horrible for the environment,
but it's the color green.

Oh, you're not kidding.

You live in a dumpster?

This is usually the part
where the girl says

she has to be
up early tomorrow

or call the police.

So do you have to go?

Yeah.

I have to go inside
the freakin' cool dumpster.

And if you think
it's cool now, watch this.

My dumpster's a grower,
not a show-er.

Holy crap.
This is amazing.

You have a sink in here
and a stove.

Is it heated in here, or did you teach
the rats to shovel coal into the engine?

Yes, but there's also
solar panels on the roof

and a microwave

and a bathroom right here.

You have a microwave next to your toilet?
You're a genius!

That's the smartest way
to eat a burrito.

I think of everything.

And if you don't like your neighbors,
you push your house to a new street.

Or you could just kill them
and throw their bodies in here.

Added bonus... no rent.

And the Chinese restaurant next door
always tosses their garbage on my roof.

Free delivery, yo.

You don't have to tell me.

I read all about this place
in "Dumpster Living."

I'll take it.

All right, but it comes
with a very handsome

stuffed animal of a man with hair that
gets him followed by security at Macy's.

I'm not just saying this 'cause you live
in a dumpster, but I'll take some...

♪ Brown chicken,
brown cow ♪

Right now.
[Chuckles]

[Sighs happily]

So what was your first time
having sex in a dumpster like?

A lot like the other times
I've had sex in a dumpster.

Next time
I'm gonna be naked.

Next time
I won't be wearing this hat.

[Yawns]

I hope you don't mind.

- I sleep like this.
- Aah! Get off me.

Oh, so nice to have a live body
under me for a change.

Stop! You're crushing me! Mm.

[Chuckles]

- This is really nice.
- Yeah, it is.

I got to go.

You got to go?

Yeah, I live, uh,
all the way over by the diner.

Plus, I got to
pull these boots on.

And I got a horse and a cat,
possibly a dead roommate, so...

Right. You got to
be up early.

Yeah, but not like that.
It's just, like...

Where's the door handle?
Is it the coffee pot?

I can't get out. I'm used to
climbing out of these things.

Ah, it's right here.

Oh. Sure you
don't wanna stay?

Chinese restaurant
just delivered.

[Car horn honking]

There's that horn again. There
is no way this is not about us.

Max, it's me again. Why do you even have
a phone if you're not gonna pick it up?

And also,
you are a grown lady.

Why is your
outgoing message a fart?

[Sighs]

And I am sure you're in the middle
of having very silly sex,

but it is a nightmare
around here.

Chestnut, Nancy, and I are
all convinced

that the murder car is still circling
and about to take us all out.

[Scoffs]
So self-involved.

This water
is taking forever to boil.

The best I could do now
is offer the killers

warm tea
before they dismember me.

That'd be funny
if you got jokes.

[Car horn honks]

Okay, guys,
here's the plan.

If they come in that door,
we go out this door.

If they come in that door,
Chestnut, you block them,

and, Nancy,
you go for their eyes.

[Door rattling]

You know what? Let's just
say our good-byes now.

Boil, boil, boil.

[Door rattling]
No time!

Whoever you are, I have a pot
of pretty hot water!

Wha... oh!

[Screams]

What is all this junk?

My legs!
My beautiful legs!

Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

I burned my toe cleavage.

And it's the only cleavage
I have.

If it helps,
your toes do look bigger.

Thank God I have these flip-flops I used
to wear in your shower before I gave up.

Yes, hi, I have
a complete emergency.

My legs are burned.

Okay, I hear you.

I'll put you right behind the guy
whose legs just came off.

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

See, I just got burned
with pretty hot water,

and I wear a lot
of peep-toe shoes.

- Insurance provider?
- I'd like to use my Obamacare.

Oh, Obamacare?
Why didn't you say so?

Come right in.

What is the problem?
We're all entitled to Obamacare.

That's what that
Rachel Maddow guy said.

I'll need more information
than that.

Password, Malia?

You clowns need to figure out
your insurance information

and come back to me in about
two hours when I'm on my sofa,

drinking whiskey
out of a coffee mug.

- Max, let's just sit.
- They have to take us, by law.

I know because I used
to complain about that.

Max, can you take that flu season
pamphlet and fan my feet?

No.

I'm not touching anything in here,
'cause I was never vaccinated...

Or loved.

[Phone ringing]

- Who is it?
- It's Deke.

You're not gonna answer it?

No, right now, I am very
concerned about your legs.

Aw. You're lying.

What happened
between you and Deke?

Why did you even
come home tonight?

Was the sex bad?

[Sighs]

Did you hit him?

No, the sex was fine.

Actually, it was better than fine.
It was great and I wanted to stay.

- So...?
- So I left immediately.

Max, don't take this
the wrong way,

but it sounds like
you found someone

who finally makes you happy
and you're trying to ruin it.

Oh, that's what this feeling is.
Well, I got to get rid of it.

- Why?
- I wasn't raised to be happy.

I was raised to believe canned
meat is as good as it gets.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
Ow, ow.

Earl, I spilled hot water on my feet.
You can't imagine how much pain I'm in.

Well, I kicked heroin in
a 7/11 bathroom for three days.

But sorry about
your burnt tootsies though.

Caroline,
sorry I didn't text you back.

I would've come over last night, but
my second life wife had a baby.

I just can't believe you had fake sex
nine months ago and didn't tell anyone.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a skinny blonde
that works here.

Uh... She died.

- She right over there.
- Ooh, she came back to life!

Hallelujah!

Hey, I got something
for you.

[Gasps]
No!

- It's a mix tape.
- No!

I made it for you. I'm sorry
my brother threw that cupcake at you.

He's gluten-free
and upset about it.

So can I take you out
sometime?

Uh... uh, very sweet,
and you seem great,

but I'm already in a relationship
with a guy in a red bandana.

No worries.
Just thought I'd ask.

What did you just do?

You never say no to a guy
with tinted windows.

That's rule number two.

Well, his number's on here.
I can always call him back.

Then we can both be in relationships
we don't want to be in.

- Relationship?
- Deke.

You're gonna see him at pastry school
tomorrow. He's gonna wanna know.

Guys never wanna know. In fact,
they are dying not to know.

Max, why'd you leave last night?
I wanna know.

I mean, you were all like,
"Wham-bam, thank you, man."

And yeah, my brain was like,
"don't say it,

don't say it,
don't say it, don't say it,"

but I said it.

What's going on?

Uh... The sex was bad.

What about the scratches
on my back?

I was trying to get away.

I'll just
leave you two alone.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

I'll just be over here,
looking at my mix tape.

Oh, track one,
"Make It Nasty."

You're right, Max.

The sex was bad,
really bad.

And it was worse when
we did it the second time.

And that third time
was a disaster.

I mean, I only lasted 47 minutes,
and you screamed.

Okay, walking away has to be
less painful than hearing this.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- No, stay, Caroline. We'll go outside.

Max, come with me for a second.
I wanna show you something.

Just whip it out here.

You wouldn't be the first guy
to do that tonight.

Nor will he be the last.

Okay, what do you
wanna show me?

Is that your dumpster?

Look, you said you couldn't stay over
because you lived all the way

over by the diner,
so I moved it here

to figure out what
your next excuse would be.

Um, I'm racist.

Yeah, me too.
White girls are a hassle.

What else?

You have a bird
on your shirt.

You love it.

I do.

What else?

- I got nothin'.
- Good.

So what do you say you stop
being such a stupid face,

and get your sweet dumper
into my dumpster right now,

where a brown chicken and a brown cow
are waiting patiently for you.

Look.

If you want me in that dumpster, you'll
have to get me there the traditional way.

Duct tape my wrists, throw a bag
over my head, and toss me in.

- Awful, huh?
- So bad.

Want to do it again later, and then sleep
over tonight, and then do it again?

Sure.

Are we ever
gonna do it naked?

Yeah, when you move into a place big
enough for me to take my pants off.

Look, I got to warn you.
I don't know how to be happy.

Then why do you have
that big smile on your face?

I'm faking it.

Why is it shaking?
Are we still having sex?

Thank you, sir.
Enjoy your cupcake.

Hey!

Max?

Don't tow us.
This is Deke's house.

He lives in a dumpster?

Yeah, but on purpose.

But you're coming home
tonight, right?

Max, Max!

Han?

Han, what are you
doing tonight?