2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 13 - And the Big But - full transcript

Fresh warm cupcakes!

Enjoy this winter wonderland
with some hot, hot cocoa!

Why are we open and selling
to no one,

when we should be closed
and taking a floor nap?

Yes, Max, it's a blizzard right now,
but in an hour, it could be 65!

That's the beauty
of global warming.

You, stop!

I'll give you
a peppermint stick!

That is a straw
with red stripes.

Well, what sounds better, Max,
a peppermint stick or...

"A straw with red stripes"?

First of all,
great impression of me.

And second, no one in their right mind
is stopping for cupcakes right now.

Oh, hey, girls!
Guess who wants a cupcake.

It's me.

Here you go, Sophie.
See, Max, we have a customer.

And just so you know,
I'm not gonna pay.

Oh, I'm so glad you stayed open,
even with all this snow everywhere.

You know, good for you.

You two are really committed
to this little cupcake window,

even when it's stupid.

That's it,
we're closing.

These streets need to be plowed more
than that poor married Jonas brother.

No, wait. Listen!
It's the snowplow.

Now, people will be able
to get to us.

I told you, it is gonna be one of those
magical New York City nights.

Do it again!

Season 3, Episode 13
"And the Big But"

Why are we here?

It's still snowing,
and we have no customers.

I had to put money in the cash
register just to steal it.

We can't just leave.
Han's not here.

Maybe the trains aren't running,
or Han got knocked out by a snowflake.

Well, you know the diner rule,
the one I just made up.

If he's 30 minutes late, we grab whatevev
we can fit in our pockets and leave.

Of course, if he's 31 minutes late and
there's no one here, we all get fired.

But I say
we roll the dice.

Well, whatever happened, we can't
run the diner if Han's not here.

That's right, who's gonna walk around
here guessing what a vagina looks like?

Uh, me?

Pick up.

I like this cold weather.
I get to wear my chin-cheetah hat.

Chin-cheetah...?
That's not even a real animal.

Yes, it is.
This was the last one.

Who's that food for?
We don't have any customers.

It's for me and Deke. We're studying
pastry school stuff in the cupcake shop.

We're also putting rocks
in snowballs and throwing them

at hipsters wearing those stupid
stuffed animal hats.

Max, you think
school will be open?

I was hoping it'd be closed,
so I'd have at least have one day

where I wouldn't have to deal with
the drama between me and Chef Nicolas.

Oh, is that the married man
you kissed?

- Who told you?
- You! Like a hundred times.

Ooh!
Let's play a snow day game.

Like what, guess the code
to the safe in Han's office?

I know the first two numbers
are eight and nine.

How about...
if you could have sex

with anyone here,
who would it be?

"Could have"
or "forced to have"?

Oleg, you go first.

- I pick Caroline.
- Oh, thank you. That's gross.

No, Caroline got mauled
by a bear in the snow.

I did?

No, it was me
in a bear costume.

She never saw me coming.

So my only two choices
are you or Earl?

No, Earl passed away
in his sleep.

Of course,
you'll feel terrible

when that happens
in a couple of weeks.

Now, if you'd excuse me, I'm going
to go home and roll me a fatty.

Her name is Denise.

Okay, so I pick you.

Me?

You pick me
out of all these two people?

- Luis, are you blushing?
- No! I'm wearing blush.

Don't worry, everyone!
I survived!

Still don't know where Han is,
but the new Bond villain just arrived.

Now there's an even bigger
Octopussy in town.

I'm very sorry I'm late.

I got stuck in a snow bank,
and I had to pee myself out.

Where's Max? And I know
shs's not trapped in the storm,

'cause she's the one who
taught me how to pee my way out.

Max, what is the French name
for this pastry

that looks like
a bunch of glazed balls?

A sha-sha-sha?

No.

A doh-doh-doh-doh-doh?

Oh, so close.
It's a "pata-choo."

French and chemistry
for pastry school?

I thought class was gonna be like,
"Which is better, cake or bread?"

"They're both great, duh.
Here's your degree."

I have terrible news.

Han's not dead, and he wants us
to do side work.

Do you mind?
Harry Pothead and I are trying to study.

Oh, Max,
I know how we'll pass.

We can ask that girl next to us
in class for help.

She speaks French. You know,
the one with the bubble butt, Judy?

Oh, yeah!
Judy with the booty.

You don't know her
that well.

Please, call her
"Judith with the boodith."

Max, can I interrupt
this episode of "Ass Chat"

and talk to you outside
for a second?

- Sure.
- Hey, Max.

Her butt's so big, she walks
into the room doggie-style.

Like I said to my uncle when he came into
my bedroom in the middle of the night,

"This better be good."

Does it bother you when Deke talks about
other girls with you like you're a guy?

Not as much as it bothers me
when you talk to me like I'm a girl.

Look, Deke and I are just bros.
I don't want to sleep with him.

Not that there's anything wrong
with two bros sleeping together.

I'm not bromophobic.

It's just not what this is.

So you're sure there's nothing sexual
going on between you and him?

Yes, I'm sure.

No!

Watch, I'm gonna take
a snow swim.

Not that cold.

You're right, nothing sexual there,
unless you like adult men in underoos.

Well, there's Nicolas.
I was not prepared for this.

Really? 'Cause we spent the entire
subway ride preparing you for this.

Okay, look, should I brace myself
for weirdness between you two?

And by that,
I mean should I hit this?

No, I'm cool.
Cool as a cucumber.

LL Cool J.
Never been cooler.

Ugh! Why didn't I drink
before you said that?

Oh, yeah.
I am gonna ice him out.

Well, maybe lose
a couple of those cubes,

because he is your boss,
and the only reason

I can afford to go here
is 'cause you work in the office.

- Don't worry, he'll never know.
- Pretend you're Nicolas.

Hello, Caroline.

I am a man,
but I am pretty like a lady.

- Good morning, how are you?
- Ooh, that was good.

'Sup, Max? Look who
I got to ride up with.

- Hey, Max.
- Hey, Jude.

- You ever heard that one before?
- Yeah. Is that, like, a thing?

Thanks for the ride up,
Deke.

Caroline.

I bet we were gonna have
to take the freight elevator.

Really? I assumed you guys
would take the ass-calator.

- Oh, hello, Caroline.
- Good morning, how are you?

- Very well, thank you.
- Can't you see I'm mad at you?

- Then why are you smiling?
- This is my fake face.

Then what does
your real face look like?

How dare you kiss me
when you're married?

I prefer the fake one.

- Bonjour, class.
- Bonjour, Chef Nicolas.

Today, we will be concentrating
on the chemistry of baking,

for tomorrow's test.

I don't know about the damn test, but
I would ace a pop quiz on that ass.

- Oh, sorry.
- I'll get that.

Let Judy pick it up.
It's a chance to see it in motion.

You think she got that thing
at a Kim Kardashian backyard sale?

When you add water to the flour
to hydrate the two proteins,

glutenin and gliadin,
those two proteins

are drawn to each other,
and they bond.

Like I like to say,
they're hot for each other.

Max, look, they were drawn
to each other, they bonded,

and now, we've got
our own big butt.

Dat ass, though!

More like dat ass dough.

You need to wet the dough with
water to keep it moist and supple.

Wet your bread, everyone,
wet your bread.

Mine's pretty wet.
How's yours?

Mine would be,
but it's on antidepressants.

Work with your partner,
help each other out.

- Here, let me help, Max.
- Yeah, mine's not as smooth as yours.

Mm, keep kneing it.
You need more water.

It's better, right?

Yeah, I think
wetting it helped.

Caroline, something
is really wrong with me.

Don't freak out. I'm here for you.
Unless it's something I can catch.

Something weird happened.
I think I might have feelings for Deke.

Oh, God, no!

I mean, that is interesting.
Let's talk about that.

I don't know what to do.

We're bros, and I don't want to ruin the
friendship, which is really unlike me.

I always ruin friendships. I've been
trying to ruin ours since you moved in.

Well, what changed
with Deke?

It was so weird...
he was wetting my bread,

and then my bread was wet,
if you know what I'm saying.

Okay, thank you.
I'm finally off bread.

Look, I understand.

You can't always help
who you're attracted to.

It's like with me
and Nicolas...

This is not the same
as you and Frenchie.

I wasn't attracted to Deke
before today.

The first time
you met Nicolas,

your vagina fell on the floor
and tried to crawl up his leg.

Yes, but I scooped it up
and snapped it back on

because I was not born
to have sex with a married man.

If I was, I would have flirted
with Matt Lauer

when he came over for the Christmas
tree lighting at my house.

Matt Lauer...
that guy's got game.

No hair, but game.

Hey, everybody,
good news!

Oh, I passed that kidney stone.
Yeah, I think the skiing loosened it.

Oh, I felt like I was birthing
a baby through my eye hole.

Did you save the stone?

'Cause only three more, and you
can make me that necklace.

Max, don't change the subject.
What are you gonna do about Deke?

Oh, wait, I love giving advice.
I had my own advice column in Poland.

It was called
"Don't Do That!"

Sophie, have you ever
had sex with a friend?

Oh, no.
Are you two gonna do it?

- No, that is not what...
- Oh, don't do that!

No, it will ruin your relationship
and my opinion of Max.

What about your opinion
of me?

Eh, it's already
pretty low.

What am I gonna do about Deke?
He's coming over to study tonight.

Oh, God, I sound like
such a girl from the '50s...

Gonna go cry
into my princess phone.

You should tell Deke
how you feel,

and tell him tonight, because
I think that Judy girl likes him,

and I think
he might like her too.

Why do you say that?
I literally don't care at all,

but I just want to know,
why would you say that?

Max, he likes big butts,
and he cannot lie.

"At what temperature
does sugar crystallize?"

"Fahrenheit and Celsius."
Go, Max.

Max.

Why are you looking at me
like that?

- This doesn't make any sense!
- Well, your book is upside down.

Hey, hearing a lot
of chitchat in here.

Just wanted to make sure
you two are studying.

Stop studying. Kiss him.

All right, well,
I better be going.

- Just pretend I'm not here.
- I always do.

Hey, um, this is weird,
but before we study,

I kind of have something
to tell you.

Weird, 'cause I kinda
have something to tell you.

That is weird.
Maybe it's the same thing.

Someone wants to have sex
with me.

How did you know that?

'Cause Judy with the booty
just texted me,

"Would you like to study tonight
and then have sex with me?"

I think you've interpreted that
correctly.

Wow, she's direct
and, I might add, slutty.

I know, she's got balls
to go with that butt.

So what were you
gonna tell me?

Oh, I was going to tell you
what you just told me,

that Judy with the booty
wants to have sex with you.

Glad she got up the guts to tell you.
So go for it.

Wait, you want me
to go for it?

Yeah, totally, go for it.
She seems kind of clean, go get it.

But we're supposed to study.

I wouldn't want to bail on you
just to go hit that.

Hey, if you don't,
I will.

You're really gonna
pass that ass up?

Now get going,
'cause I have to memorize

what temperature cho-cho-cho
turns into chan-chan-chan.

- So you're telling me to go?
- I'm saying, "Ta-ta-ta."

Go get her bread wet.
Make it rise, bro.

Okay, then, bro.

I guess I will go,
but with that butt,

if I come back a crack addict,
it's your fault.

Where's he going?
Is this a condom run?

Is he going
on a condom run?

'Cause if he is, can you
text him to pick up a diet Coke?

Can, not a bottle.
You know the deal.

He's going to have sex with Judy.
You were right, he's into her.

I'm so glad I didn't say anything.
That would have felt terrible.

- How do you feel now?
- Terrible.

But at least
I didn't embarrass myself.

I was this close
to showing him my gnomes.

Wow, you must
really like him

if you were willing to let him know
that you're an insane person.

Well, I'm about to be
more screwed than Judy,

because I didn't study
at all.

I know French.
I can help you.

You can help me with the keys
you have to Nicolas' office.

We are breaking in
and stealing the test!

Why are you covering his ears?
He knows you steal.

You took him
from someone's yard.

I can't believe we're sneaking
into his office to steal your test.

This is cheating.

Oh, don't worry, I hear
my teacher's kind of into cheating.

Can't argue with that.

Max, please hurry.
Find the test,

and let's get out of here
because we shouldn't be in here

and it smells like him
and I like it.

Okay, one of these papers
has to be it.

Oh, no, everything's written
in secret code!

Max, that's French.

How is it possible he's even better-
looking in photos than in real life?

Max, hurry up.
I can't be around his stuff.

My vagina's trying
to get out of my pants again.

Well, get her out here!

Maybe shshcan help me look
for the test, 'cause you're useless.

Oh, no, it's Nicolas. I can smell him
in the hall, and I like it.

Max, let's get out of here.

Okay, well, you have to stay and
distract him, so I can sneak out.

Just pretend you're not mad
and you came in to see him.

I can't just turn it on
like that.

What am I, an actress
at a cocktail party?

You have to, it's the only logical
explanation you have for being in here.

Caroline.

I've missed you.
I'm in your office.

That's the only logical explanation
I have for being in here.

- Oh, sorry. Did I hurt you?
- Oh, no, I'm sitting on something.

Oh, sorry. Oh, those are
the exams for today.

Oh, well, let me just give us some room
while I push these exams on the floor.

Now, kiss me again,
but this time, lay on top of me,

so your legs are out of the way.
Now, go!

Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

You know this can't happen.
You're married.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go snap something back on.

Well, here are
the test answers,

but I don't know what the questions
are, because I only got half the test,

and I'm only half sure
those are the answers.

- Whoa, dude, how did you get this?
- I turned Caroline into a whore.

Can you figure out
any of this?

I don't have any idea
what these questions could be.

Ugh!
I didn't study either.

Judy and I got to talk,
and it got pretty involved.

Well, now we're screwed.
I mean, you already got screwed.

Congrats.
Proud of you, bro.

Max, we're gonna flunk
this test.

Better go to the men's room and
write all the answers on my penis.

Don't worry,
they'll fit.

I hope you're happy, I've now
kissed a married man twice.

Oh, and here, I grabbed this
from Nicolas' office.

That's not the test.
It's a phone bill.

I know, I wanted you to see
he doesn't call his wife much.

Fire!
Everyone get out!

Move your big ass!
We're gonna burn! Scoot.

Oh, my God, Max!
I hope Nicolas is okay!

Don't worry about me,
I'm right behind you!

Caroline, I want you to be safe.
Come with me.

You're married.
I'll just stay here and burn.

Caroline, don't be crazy.

This is all your fault.

Don't worry about me,
I'm right behind you!

Max, wait.

It's just a false alarm.
I pulled it.

So classy.

You weren't gonna pass that test,
and I need you in that class with me.

You did this for me?

Yeah, and for me too,
I wasn't gonna pass either.

But, look, when you were talking
about me and Judy just now,

you seemed kind of weird,
and...

Oh, hey, I just had
a weird moment yesterday

when you were getting my dough
wet and I kinda got turned on,

sort of thought I liked you.
Yeah, gross, right?

Oh, right, yeah.
Totally gross.

Anyway, dude,
we're just bros.

Okay, bro,
but just so you know,

nothing happened
between me and Judy last night.

That's lame... if you like a girl,
you should just grab her and kiss her.

Okay.

- Was that weird?
- Yeah. And I liked it.

Max, come on!
Oh.

Sorry to interrupt, but
we're supposed to evacuate the building.

There's no fire.
Deke pulled the alarm.

I wanted to kiss her.

Yeah.
Turns out he's into dudes.