2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 12 - And the French Kiss - full transcript

- Good evening, ladies.
- No.

Max, what are you doing?

I know this neighborhood is a circus,
but our window's becoming a freak show.

Max, I don't think that bearded lady
earlier was doing it on purpose.

It's more
of a menopause thing.

He can't afford a cupcake.
He can't even afford two wheels.

[Knocks]

Hi. What can I get you?

- I'll take one vanilla.
- That'll be $4.

Actually, madam, tonight
I'll be paying with a poem.

We're paying
with a poem, madam.

I pull.
Shadows push.

I was a child then.

[Whispers]
I was a child then.

Spit it out.

Hey, you want a poem?

Roses are red, violets are blue,
get a job!

And another wheel!

That felt good.
I get why you do that.

Wait till you get actual fist-to-face
contact. That's a real high.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Welcome to
the Williamsburg diner, Deke.

Where'd you hear about us?
Kitchen nightmares?

[Chuckles]
Okay, Max, let's get to it.

We have to decide what we're each gonna
make for our pastry school homework.

Or true to form, I'll blow it off,
beat you up, and take yours.

Of the top of my giant head,
I'm thinking sticky buns.

Deke's dark sticky buns.

We're talking about dessert,
not what's going on in your pants.

Well, I would've baked brownies,
until I remembered

I smoked
all the ingredients.

Oh, my God,
guess who texted me again.

Dame Judi Dench?
Dame Judes texts me all the time.

She's thirsty.

More like,
"Damn, Judi Drench."

Oh, hi, Deke.
Didn't know you were here.

You're everywhere.

Pastry school, on the phone with
Max talking about pastry school,

and now here at the counter
talking about elder sex

with a beloved star
of stage and screen.

- You're like...
- What?

Denzel Washington trapped
in Channing Tatum's body?

I get that a lot.

Anyway, Max,

this is the fourth time chef Nicolas
has texted me outside of school.

And this time
he sent me a video. Look.

Then, Caroline, you spoon
the fat from the pan...

It's him making breakfast
with his shirt open.

What do you think it means?

That he doesn't have
a fear of bacon splatters...?

- He's totally flirting with me, right?
- Totally. Chef Nicolas is hot for ya.

He has to double up on aprons when
you're around, know what I'm sayin'?

Deke, this is just private
best friend stuff between girls.

You know,
that you're not a part of.

Can I not be a part of it?

And since chef Nicolas is your teacher
and I work at the school,

I'd appreciate it if we kept
this just between us three.

And me. I saw it
over your shoulder.

Doesn't hold a candle to my series
of pantless meatloaf videos.

Meatloaf.
Pick up.

Okay, okay, Max, if you have time
to lean, you have time to clean.

And if I have time to give you a punch,
we have time to have lunch.

Max, should we help him
find his mom?

Oh, no, now there's
two of them.

Like gremlins.

Now, come on. This is a diner,
not study hall. You're working.

I call it "spiritually dying,"

but working's a good word
for what we do here too.

We could figure it out
tomorrow night over some drinks.

Couple of white wine spritzers.
Know what I'm sayin'?

That you're a recently-widowed
woman on a girls' trip in Boca?

Well, I already ate my water,
so I'm good to go.

I am out the door.

Hi, I'm Deke.
Bye, Max.

Oh, he's your friend?

For a minute I thought he was that kid
I had out of wedlock with Linda Evans.

Okay, why are you in here not working?
And why are you doing it without me?

Look, I've been texting with Nicolas.
He thirstay.

He wants me to meet him for a drink
after his dinner tomorrow.

After his dinner.
You know what that means.

That he thinks he doesn't
have to buy you dinner

before he makes you
his slam piece?

"After dinner"
is a Booty call.

Or as they say in France,
[French accent] "A call du bootay."

So I need you
to hang out with me,

because if I don't have anything
else to do at that time,

I won't be able
to resist him.

I don't see it.

Maybe because he never pulled a knife
on me, but to me he's, like, asexual.

Yeah, like a sexual object.

Okay, well, I told Deke I'd help
him with his homework,

so you can
hang out with us.

Hang out with Deke?
I didn't even like the Muppets on TV.

But fine, it'll...
It'll keep me busy,

because Max,
when Nicolas looks at me,

it does something
to my insides,

and I want this
to be a relationship

before he does
something to my insides.

If you keep talking about your insides,
I'm gonna kick you on your outsides.

Okay, so as far
as my dessert homework goes...

He just texted me again.

"Ou es-tu?"
"Where are you?"

And he used "tu",
not "vous."

We've gone there.

Then why are you still here?

Because I can't go there, Max,
I'm not ready.

Oh, wax situation?

Guys don't care about that.

So as far as my dessert goes,
I went all-out

and actually did
some real research.

- You googled desserts with dirty names?
- Correcto.

And it was harder
to pick one than I thought.

I mean, you got your bundt cake,
your lady fingers,

kumquat pie...

"Kum" and "quat".

It was right there the whole
time. How could I not see it?

So I dug deep,
and I have the winner.

Croquembouche.

I don't know what that is,
but she sounds like a whore.

It's a traditional
French wedding cake

with vanilla cream-filled profiteroles
dipped in hand-made caramel.

Said the only person here
not in pastry school.

Oh, cool.
I didn't know what it was.

Maybe I can help. I happen to know Nicolas
loves a [Accent] pear tarte tatin.

Ta-ta-tan! No.

I thought I'd distract myself
by going out with you guys,

but it feels like
the day in high school

I hung out with the smokers
for street cred.

And I used to hang out with rich geeks
like you when I needed lunch money.

I'm texting Nicolas.

What? You said you didn't
want him to think you were up

for a wham-bam,
thank you, mademoiselle.

You're right, Max.
I shouldn't text him.

[Phone vibrates]

He just texted me again.
What's one drink?

$18...?

It is?
Yeah, you better text him.

We need a grown-up
to pay for the drinks.

I'll just say I'm with friends,
and he can join for a drink.

Isn't that what people do?
I forget.

I haven't been a person
or done anything in so long.

Or done a person in so long.
[Laughs]

I won't let it get that far.

And by that I mean you won't.

I'll give you a signal and then
you'll say we have to go.

What's the signal?
Full penetration?

- No, before that.
- So, just the tip?

I think I'll just wink.

So, croquembouche?

I can't pretend to talk.

I hope his tongue
is wearing protection.

Hey.

Are we making you
uncomfortable?

No, no, it's just that
I usually like to fast-forward

through the kissing parts
when I watch porn.

Come on, relax, Max.
We're just having some fun.

It's just that you're our teacher,
and your spittle is all over her mouth.

We're not in class.
Do you see batter or bowls?

Well, we're hoping
not to see any balls.

I see the outline
of one of 'em.

Just don't think of me
as a teacher right now.

Well, I'm kind of
learning a lot.

You know, for someone
who wasn't gonna have sex,

she's having sex.

I'm leaving.

I haven't felt this awkward

since my mom had sex with my prom
date in the limo and made me drive.

Your mom sounds cool.

Come on, you can't leave.
We just got here.

Well, she's about to get there,
and I don't wanna see it.

Well, we can make out.

[Laughs]
You wanna make out? With me?

[Chuckles]
No, a comedy make-out.

You know, like...
[Babbling]

Well, you make it look
so tempting.

[Laughs] Come on,
it'll be hilarious.

Let my mouth be
your tongue's panic room.

And chef Nicolas
could use a few pointers.

[Moaning]

Yeah, he's really
bad at it.

All right, why not? It might
even get their attention.

On the count of three.
One, two...

[Both babbling]

- Did they look?
- No, he's busy rounding third.

My turn.

[Groaning]

[Laughs]

Max, what's happening?

Hey.

[Groaning]

He's licking your face.

Leave them alone.

Deke seems to know
what he's doing.

Respect.

Well, hate to comedy
make out and run,

but, well, I'm already
mentally at yummy donuts

trying to binge eat
this image out of my mind.

Hold on, Max. The signal.

See, this is why
I don't do girlfriend.

Come on, we have somewhere to go
or be, something like that.

Well...

[Chuckling, panting]

We have to go.
See you later.

Au revoir.
[Chuckles]

[Thuds]

'Sup?

Not much.
'Sup with you?

[Phone ringing]

Sorry, I have to get this.
It's my wife.

Hello?

Girrrl...

Oh, I totally forgot to tell you.
You're terrible at making out.

Well, I never had
a father to teach me.

[Elevator dings]

Hey, big Mary.

Hallway lunch.
Love that for you.

And you.

This could've been your walk of shame
right now if I hadn't stepped in, Winky.

Yes, last night
got a little out of hand.

Oh, it was pretty much
in your hand.

No, it was not, Max.

Yes, there might have been
a tasteful graze,

just to figure out
how European he was down there.

Good news, it's not
wearing a floppy beret.

So we are right on track for
a perfect fairy-tale romance.

Yeah, the princess
and the penis.

See you at the diner, Max.
Au revoir, mes amis.

I have to kinda
tell you something

that you have to promise you
kind of definitely won't tell Caroline.

Are you about to tell me
that when she speaks French

it makes you want to slam your head
through that plate-glass window too?

Heh. Well, the thing is
he's married.

He's married?
How do you know?

He's not wearing a ring,
and he doesn't seem dead inside.

- His wife called him after you guys left.
- How could he do that?

- He's French?
- And not tell Caroline.

- He's French?
- What a jerk.

Fronch?

I'm telling her right now.

Wait, wait, wait, Max,
do me a favor...?

Can you just wait until after
I turn in my croquembouche?

I'm already on thin ice
with "au bon pain in my ass."

This sucks.

He's married, and Caroline
has this weird thing in her head

that she has to marry
someone who isn't married.

Bonjour, Bebe. Ca va?

Oh, boy.

I'm not really good
with any languages.

They think it's because
I got hit by three cars.

FYI, if you ever get hit,
just stay down.

Well, guess what.

I got you and me salads.
Girls' lunch.

Well, I usually just have peanut
butter and crackers in the dark...

I hear so much about salad
I've always wanted to try it.

Sure. Sit. Have some salad.
You and me, me and you.

Getting to know
more about each other.

So Bebe, tell me
everything about Nicolas.

He's the best. He has
the heart and eyes of a dog.

- So Nicolas, where do you think he is?
- He just said he had a lunch date.

Date? Did he use the word "date," or
are you just using the word "date"?

I mean, it's not like he's dating anyone.
[Chuckles] Is he?

No, why would he
be dating anyone?

Exactly, why would he
be dating anyone?

Yeah, I mean,
he's married.

[Spits]

Married?

You know, salad tastes
just like lettuce.

You are not
going to believe this.

Kendall Jenner
is applying to colleges?

Come on, Max, no.

Nicolas is... and get ready...
Married.

I kissed a married man.
I'm so mortified.

Please don't ever tell anyone
I kissed a married man.

Okay, I won't tell anyone.

- Tell anyone what?
- Caroline kissed a married man.

But don't tell anyone.

All right, I want to go on the record
that I didn't know.

Kissing a married man has never
been in my life plan.

It's not on my vision board
or in my dreamscape.

I am not that kind of person.

But she is the kind of person
who has a vision board

and says "dreamscape,"
so let's judge her on that.

I won't judge you, Caroline.

I once went out
with a married woman.

I didn't know she was married until
her spouse came and beat me up.

Lesbians are strong.

Listen, married, not married,
don't be so American.

You know, in Poland,
the wedding vows say,

"Do you take this woman..."

"And maybe some others?"

Well, not Polish,
and not a lesbian yet.

So I'm very upset.

And, Max, why are you
just standing there?

Why haven't you
said anything?

Eh...

Um...
I kind of knew.

Wait. You kind of knew
he was married?

You kind of knew and didn't
kind of tell me?

- What kind of friend are you?
- I just found out myself.

Well, then why didn't
you tell me?

I was going to,
but then Deke asked me not to

until he handed in
his homework.

And also I thought
you might cry.

- Oh, and you didn't want to upset me?
- Nah, I didn't want to deal with it.

'Cause when you cry, you don't just
cry once. It's like a six-cry thing.

You've got the first shock cry,
the silent cry,

the ugly cry,
the cry because you're crying,

the cry after you say
you're not gonna cry anymore,

and then the final cry,
which is probably my fault.

Well, you're wrong, Max,
I'm not gonna cry over this,

because I haven't gone
far enough down the road.

Yes, I was just beginning to think about
our future, but I'm not that invested.

Oh.

- Then what's this?
- My dupe pad.

That's right. And look what
I found written on the back.

"Caroline and Nicolas
Saintcroix."

"Mr. and Mrs. Saintcroix."

"Caroline Saintcroix."

That's just being silly.
Every girl does that.

You're 40.

[Elevator dings]

- Oh, man, this is heavy.
- I know, very heavy.

We're back here,
and I have to deal with the fact

that I was dry-humped
by a married man.

No, I think he meant
his dessert is heavy.

But yeah, you got
a lot going on.

So what do you
want us to do?

Should we throw down?
Mess his ass up?

Kick him in the face?

Or just ignore it so I don't
get kicked out of school?

No, I'll deal
with Nicolas later.

You sure? 'Cause I've always
wanted to kill a French person.

Again.
[Laughs]

Thanks, but stay out of it.
I've got this.

I'm gonna rip him
a new one.

- Bonjour, Caroline.
- Bonjour, Nicolas.

That wasn't a rip.
Wasn't even a tear.

Go, go, you two.
Got a big, hot bundt here.

Go, go, don't be late.

You sure that's
a croquembouche?

'Cause it looks like a
coyote poop tree. [Laughs]

Caroline, can you
watch the phones for me

while I give chef Nicolas
this note from his wife?

You know what?
I'll give it to him.

I have something
I have to say to him anyway.

Oh, for next girls' lunch,
have you ever had sandwiches?

'Cause I'm thinking
of trying one.

[Knocks]

Not you.

You have got this.
You have got this.

You broke up with a Kennedy cousin.
You can do this.

Caroline,
do you need something?

I just wanted to give you
this phone message you just got.

From your wife.

From your wife...
Juliette...?

- I know her name.
- You're married.

Yes, you just got
a message from my wife.

I feel like something's getting
lost in the translation here,

so let me be clear.
It's over between us.

Why?

Why?
Because you're married.

Again, I know that.
But why?

What... what do
you mean "why"?

Why? Because you are married.
Vous est marie!

And note, I did not
use "tu"

because we are back
on the more formal "vous" terms.

Look, Caroline, my wife is in France,
and we have an understanding.

Well, I'm having a hard time
understanding any of this.

And whatever arrangement you and Juliette
have, it's over between you and me.

Here.

You are very cute
when you're angry.

I am?

Actually, you are very cute
all the time. Cute and sexy.

From the moment I saw you,
I wanted to...

- Put my lips onto yours.
- You did?

Yes.

Caroline, you are a smart,
sexy, delicious woman.

And now that I've kissed...
Do you have something in your eye?

No, no, no, no, no.

[Knocks]

It's never you!

I'm sorry, what is happening?

Chef Nicolas, uh, you need
to get back in there

because the chef
with the neck tattoo

is trying to pass off
a store-bought tiramisu.

There is one every year.

Caroline.

Are you okay?
What did he say?

He said he's married, and
it's confusing, and I'm delicious.

Okay, well, he's married, it's
confusing, and you're delicious.

So you're
Mrs. Delicious Saintcroix.

So it's over, right?

Yeah, of course it's over.
No drama, no more crying.

- I would never be with a married man.
- Yeah, that's more my thing.

Oh, my God, Max, you know
what I just realized?

I once said I would
never be a waitress.

Girrrl...

[Cash register dings]