2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 11 - And the Life After Death - full transcript

Caroline learns that her childhood nanny passed away and brings Max with her to attend the funeral. But once there, she discovers that the woman never spoke of Caroline to her own family.

And... time!
37 minutes.

We got from the apartment to the subway
to the pastry school in record time.

I mean, I'm not wearing a bra and
my thong may be on backwards.

There's no wrong way to wear a thong,
as long as it's uncomfortable.

And with you,
the bra's just for decoration.

I have to wear one 'cause you get a ticket
for not putting the kids in a car seat.

See you in class, guys.
I gotta say good-bye to my wife.

- Did you think I was gonna kiss you?
- Yes!

I'm the wife, you're the husband, who
I caught wearing my clothes one day,

but I don't say anything about it...

- Morning, guys.
- Oh, hi, Bebe.

Surprised to see me, right?

Everyone always thinks I'm not
gonna make it through the night,

but here I am,
even surprised myself.

What's it like working
in an office

with someone who's about
to snap like a breadstick?

Not as much fun
as you'd think.

But Bebe's sweet, and working here
is putting you through pastry school.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

- I want a divorce.
- I already filed.

Season 3, Episode 11
"And the Life After Death"

Synced by dcdah & Reef

Hey, wife, I need $5 to pay
for a spatula I broke yesterday.

I was having
a Gordon Ramsay moment.

I'd have sex with him,
by the way.

Why? He'd just be yelling at you
and telling you you're doing it wrong.

Yeah, sex.

Take it.
It's in my purse.

Yo, Bebe, you got any extra
pills you're not taking?

No, I'm taking them all.

- Oh, my God, no.
- What? I just wanted one. Or two.

Just to take the edge off. I have
a whipped cream final at 3:00.

No. In the obituaries.
I know this person.

"Antonia Florentino, 80,
died peacefully in her sleep."

That's a suicide, right?

She was my nanny.

You still have a nanny?


She took care of me
most of my childhood.

- I loved her so much.
- So sorry...

That's kind of how I felt
about my old neighbor, Carla.

I mean, she didn't
take care of me,

but when I was a kid, she used
to let me drink out of her hose.

The last time I saw Antonia,
she was driving me

and a sloppy Nelly Furtado
to the Teen Choice Awards.

Oh, are we allowed to cry at work now?
'Cause I only do it in my car.

Max, you know what
I just realized?

This is the first time I've been here
since my nanny died.

You just said that
at Chipotle.

And then you said it again ten
minutes later, also at Chipotle.

Show some sensitivity. I was
crying because my nanny died.

And also because our
grief brunch was at Chipotle.

Caroline, your nanny passed?

My sympathies, sweetheart.
That's a shame.

But there is nothing better
than a black funeral.

I'm still hung over
from my grandpa's in '84.

Earl, my nanny was white.

Your nanny was white?
Child, you were rich.

Have you seen Han?

The funeral's in Philadelphia
tomorrow, and I need the day off.

Well, I think I saw him earlier, but
then again, it might have been a cat.

Hey, we both need the day off.
I'm going with you for moral support/

my first cheese steak/ I want to ride
the liberty bell like a wrecking ball.

I just read the craziest article
in this Popular Science

about white dwarfs,
black holes, and Uranus.

Oh, no.
Let me start over.

Han, we need tomorrow off. My nanny died.
She was like a mother to me.

But she was not your mother.
And diner rules clearly state

you can only take off for
the death of a family member.

Well, the rules also say
"No drinking on the job", but...

Okay, yes, you can go.

Because in my culture, it's important
to honor the elderly.

I shared a bunk bed with
a 97-year-old till I was 22.

Were you on
the top or the bottom?

Oh, I was always the bottom.

Oh, no.
Let me start over.

Hey, Caroline.

I got your nanny death text.

So I'm wearing black
out of respect.

And also, I got my period.

- Thanks, Sophie. That's lovely.
- It is? Which part?

You know, back in Poland
when my nanny died,

I was so heartbroken,
I could barely eat her.

You ate your dead nanny?

Well, a goat's a goat.
It doesn't matter what you name it.

It's still good goat meat.

All right,
I'll be in my booth.

I'm going to order a tuna melt
and three Midol, please.

Wait, how are
we gonna get there?

Oh, Bebe said she had a car,
we can just ask her.

I don't want to get
in a car with her.

I don't even want to get
in a conversation with her.

I can drive you.

We just have to stop
at my sister's

in Bucks County,
pick up an unmarked package,

and swing by Connecticut
to drop it off.

Oleg, is there anything illegal
about this delivery?

No, it's just some shoes...
Stuffed with cocaine.

Also the shoes are made
of hashish.

I'll call Bebe.

Okay, but I'm sitting in the back 'cause
I don't want the crazy to get on me.

Bebe, I can't thank you enough
for driving us to the funeral.

We're only going 20.
You can go faster if you want.

Yeah, we just got passed
by a tree.

And I'm especially thrilled
your nervous cocker spaniel

with gas and hot spots
got to join us.

Okay, now you're going 100.

We can go slower if you want.

Sorry. Extremes...
That's my thing.

One time I moved to Tokyo
for a day.

Max, it just hit me again.

I know. It's like
she feeds him broccoli.

No. That Antonia
is really dead.

Well, the good news is, according to
Yelp, she's dead about two blocks

from the famous Philly
cheese steak place.

- Max, show some respect.
- Well, I didn't know her.

In fact, I only know her as the lady who
brought me and cheese steaks together.

Even though we've never met,
it'll mean so much

to Antonia’s family
that I came out of respect.

It'll mean so much
to my therapist

that I left my safe zone and
only brought one of the dogs.

Max, do you think
in addition to my eulogy,

I should read something
from my childhood journal?

I don't, but I think you're
gonna do it anyway.

"Christmas morning, 1997.

"Antonia woke me up
with a cup of hot cocoa"

"and my favorite peppermint stick,
and then we opened presents."

Christmas morning, 1997.

I threw cold water
on my mother's face.

New Year's day...
Still no movement.

This is the only picture
I still have of us.

It was our first Halloween together.
I was four.

Look at that cute little baby
chick costume she made me.

- Aw, so cute.
- Car.

I never had
a Halloween costume.

I used to put my hair
in a messy bun

and stumble from door-to-door
telling people I was my mother.

This Halloween, I went
as my doctor, Michael.

And I dressed up my buddy
here as his lover, Joseph.

We lost.

Antonia was always there
for me...

Halloween, Christmas, Easter...
Every holiday.

Really, every day.

- She was really like a mother to me.
- Where was your real mother?

Hey, what kind of dog is that?
I mean, besides "sad"?

Her mother had an affair,
got pushed out.

That's her hot spot,
so don't lick it.

It's okay, Max,
I don't need any protection.

You don't need protection?

Who are you,
every guy I've ever dated?

Bebe, yes, my mother was unfaithful
to my father, so she was sent away.

But I had Antonia
and she took care of me.

She was my family.

That must have been hard.
Everybody needs a mother.

I'd be crazy
without my mother.

She drives me to
all my appointments.

But you drive.


But I'm not supposed to.

It's okay I asked Bebe
to wait in the car, right?

I mean, she'll be okay.
We cracked a window.

Yeah, and she's got
a bowl and a chew-toy.

Come on, let's sign in.

Max, I have to keep it together
when I meet the family.

I can't be all emotional.

Look, my hand's shaking.
This is terrible.

What? It was
a terrible signature.

And there were only five
other names on the page.

Get rid of it.

"Get rid of it"?

Who are you,
every guy I've ever dated?

"Caroline Channing."

Here, Max.

Oh, look.

The flowers and everything are
so beautiful.

There you go.

You signed
"Phil E. Cheese Steak"?

You told me not to mention it
anymore, so it's just a reminder.

Okay, Max, there are gonna
be a lot of people

who will want my attention,
so please be patient

and stand next to me for
the occasional supportive lean.

And if someone starts
to get too weepy,

push them out of the way because
I can't get tears on this dress.

It has to be back
to Barneys by 9:00 A.M.

- You're here.
- Here we go, Max.

I was talking to him.

Of course you were.
It's a very sad day for us all.

That was rough.

Oh. Max, look.
This is Antonia.

- Wow. She looks really nice.
- She was.

I didn't know
she was in the military.

But it does explain those
fabulous bed sheet corners.

Wait, you didn't know
your nanny was a marine?

That's too bad,
'cause I'd be all,

"Yo, other little rich kid!
My nanny can snap your neck."

Oh, look. There are
her sisters, Cecelia and Angela,

and there are
her nieces and nephews.

And there is not me anywhere.

You know, my picture must be
in the coffin with the other V.I.P.s.

If you're a V.I.P.,
can we get some bottle service?

Good afternoon, ladies.
I'm Anthony, Antonia’s nephew.

- It's sad day, huh?
- Yes, it is.

- Think I just got a little less sad.
- Oh! Anthony!

Stop. We're family.
I'm Caroline Channing.

You're Caroline "Hot,"
is all I know.

You ladies need cash envelopes
or you guys cool?

I always need
a cash envelope.

I'm sorry,
envelopes for what?

Well, at Italian wakes,
the mourners give the family

a donation after
they view the deceased.

So it's pay-per-view?

That was a good one.

Hey, you want to go get
a pop later?

We're leaving right after,
but yes, Anthony.

- Thank you. We'll take an envelope.
- All right.

The body's right
through there.

- Go right ahead.
- Anthony, stop.

I'm really nervous. I've never
seen a dead body before.

I've seen a bunch. A couple
of them were my fault.

I don't have any cash.
Do you have any money?

Let me check my wallet.

This is a real Ziploc,
not one of those knock-offs.

Make sure you seal the envelope,
so people think it's all quarters.

Max, we're next. I'm afraid.
Hold my hand.

Hold hands? What are we?
On a Christian mingle fifth date?

Please, Max.
I'm nervous.

- Oh, God.
- Thank you.

Okay. Now give it back.

What? That was just
my longest relationship.

Plus, I need it to put
this change in the envelope.

Oh, she looks so peaceful.

Hi, Antonia.
It's me, Caroline.

Should I kiss her? The family
is right there watching.

The lady before us
kissed her.

Go for it. Doesn't look
like she'd fight you.

Okay, on the count of three.

One, two...

No! Max, hold my hand again
while I...

What do we do?

Wait, leave it! We were
giving it to them anyway.

Not all of it.
That's our cheese steak money.

Leave it. Come on.

I am so, so sorry
about that.

My nerves got the best of me.
You understand.

- I'm Cecelia, Antonia’s...
- Sister. I know.

I see the resemblance.
I'm Caroline.

Caroline who?

Oh. Caroline Channing.

Caroline Channing who?

You're having a hard time
processing. Understandable.

It's been a very emotional day
for us all.

Who is this girl? You, I feel
like I've seen somewhere.

Are you Ricky's girl
from Rochester?

I could be.
What's in it for me?

Antonia used to take care
of me when I was little.

Oh, Antonia was
your baby-sitter.

Very nice of you to come.

Well, she was hardly
my "baby-sitter."

She took care of me
every day for ten years.

Caroline Channing.

I'm sorry, but I don't
know who you are, sweetheart,

though it seems to be
what you're hammering me about.

If you'll excuse me,
I need a cigarette.

And then I got to remove some
of those pennies off of my sister.

It's a coffin,
not a wishing well.

This funeral turned out
to be very depressing.

Well, yeah.

Dead body in the room,
generally a buzz-kill.

Unless it's an Irish wake... Then
you're playing beer pong off the coffin.

No, I mean, how is it possible
that the family doesn't know me?

Did Antonia never
even mention me?

Let's focus on the positive.
Anthony really liked your ass.

I know what
Antonia and I had.

This is what we had.

Peep, peep.
That's what we had.

Well, that's a lot.

But I guess no one
in this family

wants to admit that, and it's a shame
too, because I had a great eulogy.

You do?

Yes. I do. Would you like
me to share it with you?

I most certainly would.

You are not seriously eulogy-bombing
that old lady, are you?

She asked me about
my great eulogy.

She's a hundred. She probably thought
you said you had a great urologist.

Do you have a pen? I'm getting
the name of her doctor.

No, ma'am, I didn't say, "urologist."
I said, "eulogy." A great eulogy.

Why would you give
the eulogy?

Because I'm Caroline Channing.

- Who?
- Caroline Channing.

Caroline Channing...?
Antonia was my nanny.

My family was rich,

but then my father robbed everyone,
and we became the scourge of society,

overshadowed a little bit by Mel Gibson
hating the Jews that same week.

Surely, you remember?

Honey, I don't even remember
how I got here.

I can't believe this.

I constructed my entire
"happy" childhood

on the fact that even though my mom
left and apparently didn't love me,

Antonia did.

And now I get here and I realize
no one loved me, I was just a paycheck.

One of the many kids
she baby-sat.

I don't even know
why I bothered to come.

I'm gonna go to the restroom
and then we can just leave.

Excuse me. Hi.

Max, Ricky's girl.

I know this
is a hard time for you,

but it's a hard time
for my friend as well.

And even though
you never heard of her,

I was wondering if
you could just go over there,

and say you just
remembered her,

and that Antonia talked
about her all the time?

I know it's a 180 on your
original story and a lie,

and I'd offer to pay you
for your trouble,

but my 401k is laying in that box
on top of your sister.

Look, I only permitted
you two to stay

'cause your Ricky was so nice
to Uncle Joe

when he fell off the roof
last year.

But now, you gotta go.

Be that way.

But don't expect Ricky to pick up
Uncle Joe for dialysis.

Max, what are you doing?

The family asked me to put it up.
They just remembered you.

Oh, my God.

I'm so pathetic, you have to put up
my picture to make me feel better?

In a way, yes.

It belongs up there.
Who wouldn't want to know that kid?

Nice to meet you, Antonia.
Please don't haunt us.

Now, let's hit the road and
get some freaking cheese steaks!

Max, please take that down.
It's so embarrassing.

Nobody here knows
anything about me.

They didn't know me either,

Hey, who you callin' chicken?

Me. That was
Antonia’s nickname for me.

- You know who I am?
- Of course I do.

Antonia's little chick,
her peep.

She loved you.

And she loved making you
that costume.

Took the whole kitchen table up
with all those sequins,

but she knew you deserved
to sparkle.

She loved you so much,
I couldn't begin to complain.

I'm so sorry.
What was your name?

I'm Meg O'Hara.
I was her roommate.

And lover.

We were together 30 years.

The military!

I know, right?
I mean, come on.

That's me with my arm
around her on that tank.

And the family still
had no clue.

Vintage lez...
Very cool.

I know Toni would have
wanted you to have these.

Oh, thanks for coming,

You're probably
the only person in the world

who loved her
as purely as I did.

Max, look.


And my birthday.

And the Teen Choice Awards.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Philly cheese steaks
for everybody!

And you really haven't

until you've driven
two hours in a Chevy

with nine cheese steaks
and a gassy animal.

What? I ate mine
in the car.

Hey, Earl, you missed one hell
of a funeral. You should have come.

There were some hot

and I got a definite "jungle fever"
vibe from one of them.

Girl, at my age, you don't go
anywhere near funerals.

You accidentally doze off,
you spend six hours

digging yourself
out of the ground.

Hey, how you holding up,

I'm okay. Thanks.

And Max, when I die,

I don't care who else
is at my funeral,

as long as you're there.

Of course I'll be there. The murderer
always shows up to throw off the cops.

Also, save the money
on a casket

and just toss me in a hole
wearing Dior and a smoky eye.

Unless I'm fat...
Then burn me.

Well, I don't want
a funeral.

When I die, just shove
my corpse into a cannon

and blow me directly
into the Trump Casino.

Synced by dcdah & Reef