2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 10 - And the First Day of School - full transcript

Okay, Max, I figured out
our new schedule.

And I figured out the cheap toothpaste
we've been using is really diaper cream.

On the plus side,
that rash cleared up on my gums.

We'll do our diner shift
from 6:00 till 2:00,

then sell cupcakes here
from 2:00 to 4:00,

make the cupcakes in the morning
from 7:00 to 11:00,

and then pastry school
from 12:00 to 4:00.

- Forget anything?
- Just poopin' and sleepin'.

Now, I have to go
rewrite the schedule.

Let's go, Max, you have a huge,
huge day tomorrow.

- First day of pastry school.
- Stop saying it's huge.

Whenever I think something's gonna be
huge, it just turns out to be all balls.

Season 3, Episode 10
"And the First Day of School"

I splurged
and had my blouse cleaned.

Dry cleaning bags remind me
of when I had money.

Really? They remind me of when
my mother tried to suffocate me.

Allegedly.
Let's go.

Wait, wait.
Max, you can't go yet.

I need you to stay
and help with something.

Han, I told you... it's bend and wipe,
then up come your big boy pants.

Yeah, Han’s right. You can't go.
Stay here a few more minutes.

Why? Oh. Are we having
an intervention for Max?

Hey, everybody.

Oh, I hope I'm not late for Max's
first day of school surprise party.

Sophie, we hadn't
surprised her yet.

Oh, but she's right there.
You just blew it, Han.

Aw, a surprise party.

- Isn't this sweet, Max?
- I don't trust it.

Last time Oleg yelled "surprise" at me,
his penis was on a hot dog bun.

One meat lover's pizza.

And one meat lover.

Max, come on.
Get it while it's hot.

You're opening that box.

Hm, who's got a ten to tip
the cute pizza delivery guy?

Sophie, this is Luis,
the day waiter.

Oh, you're Sophie,
Oleg’s ex.

Sister, I know
all about you.

Oh, do you?
Do you know all about me?

I'm his good friend.

You know, I'm having trouble
hearing your accent.

Did you say "good friend"
or "girlfriend?"

Please, mami.
I wish.

I like the entertainment.

It's better than the magician at my
friend Stephanie's 16th birthday

that made
her virginity disappear.

Max, we're all so proud
of you.

Tomorrow is the first day
of the rest of your life.

Aw, crap.
I gotta do this again?

All right, but this time, I'm not
seeing Trouble with the Curve.

- You are about to do something very big.
- Yes, she is. Such a big step.

Big step
for both of us,

'cause I'll be using
my business acumen

working in the office
to help pay the tuition.

Shh.
I'm talking about Max.

So we all chipped in to get you
something for your first day of school.

It's my first day too.

Caroline, please, I can't hear Han
talking about Max, okay?

Here you go, darling,
a book bag for school.

So what, then? Is my surprise
party after this one?

What is happening?

People doing nice things
for me and smiling?

Am I transferring
foster homes again?

And there's
more stuff inside.

That was supposed to be
a surprise too.

Oh.
Surprise!

Max, open it.
Look inside.

Yeah, Max, see what's inside
for your big day.

Big day for Max.
Big day for me as well.

- A metrocard? No way.
- From me. Unlimited rides.

Oh. Unlimited rides? Is that
what your tramp stamp says?

I was gonna get mad,
but that was a damn good one.

What's this?
Han's house?

A simple "thank you"
would suffice.

Thank you for
your house, Han.

It's a pencil case,
and I love it.

And I was sitting here, thinking how you
were all ignoring my part of the big day.

And then, you give me this pencil case
to use in the office and prove me wrong.

That's for Max.

What the hell
is wrong with you people?

Max doesn't even need pencils.
She'll be baking.

Well, she'll be baked.
Take a look.

Joints.

Earl, that's so sweet.
These should last me till recess.

Wait, where's the chef's coat
Sophie had monogrammed?

Han, that was supposed to be
a surprise.

Oh, I know.
Karma's a bitch.

Oh, well.

Look.

My name's on this.

The only thing my name's ever
been on before is a urine sample.

Thank you, everyone.

So there is nothing
in that bag for me?

Nothing? Wow. I'd even take Oleg’s
penis in a hot dog bun right now.

I'll be right back.

- Getting on.
- Please move.

- On!
- Move!

- On! On!
- Move! Move!

I love the subway. It's the perfect
place to get out aggression.

I just punched someone
in the kidney.

- It was me.
- I know.

Oh, oh, bad smell, like someone
hooked up with a falafel.

- It was me.
- I know.

- Max.
- Sorry.

Subways, planes, and mosh pits,
I let it ride.

I love the smell
of this fresh, dry-cleaned blouse.

I am so excited to be
out of that waitress uniform,

and back in my chic
business clothes,

and, you know,
going to my office,

where I'll probably save the day
using some of my Wharton magic.

You know, I think I like
you better without hope.

Max, you know this school
is expensive, right?

You're going in
with a good attitude, right?

No, that's what Earl's pencils
are for.

Don't worry, I'll do my best. I
mean, look, I have a book bag.

The only thing my mother
ever sent me to school with

was a note that said
"Check me for lice."

It was so sweet of everyone
to give you that,

even though I didn't sleep
all night about it.

And it looks kind of expensive.
Check for a designer label.

- Why? It's the thought that counts.
- Since when?

Let me see it.

Second Avenue station.
This is second Avenue.

No, no, no, Max!
No, he got the book bag. Good, Max, good.

Don't let go.

What if the train
starts to leave

and my arms pop off?

How will I go
to pastry school?

I'll be one of those people decorating
cookies with a bag in their mouth.

You are the devil.
The devil.

You have nothing.

Pull, Max, pull!
Pull it from the devil!

Can't.
The devil works out.

My bag.

My blouse.

My weed.

Oh, great, look. Class has started.
My new life already blows.

Oh, look. There's chef Gorgeous.
I don't want him to see me like this.

I'm gonna go to the restroom and see if
cold water can get out any of the stain.

Go, Max.

But I don't have my
chef coat or book bag.

I know I only had them for a couple of
hours, but it was the best part of me.

You'll do great.

First, do me a favor.
Check me for lice.

This course is designed
to introduce you

to the skills and techniques required
in the production of yeast bread,

short pastry doughs, custards,
pate a choux, and cake batters.

Chef Max, you are late.

Wait, are sure class
doesn't start at 10:17?

Sorry, I got robbed
on the subway by some jerk.

Hey, hey, hey,
I'm right here.

I ran out of options, and I didn't wanna
strip my way through pastry school.

That's an option?

All right, chefs.
Let's focus.

Did he say he wants
to "foke us"?

___

Morning, Bebe.

Hi. Oh, my God.
What happened to you?

And I should tell you
my doctor says

I'm not allowed to hear bad news
for another month.

I apologize
for my appearance.

We got robbed on the subway, and
then someone hit me with hot coffee.

Then, I went to wash cold water
on the stain

and somehow wound up entering
myself in a wet T-shirt contest.

Um, that's a lot of energy
for me,

so I'm just gonna need to sit
here for a second and be quiet.

I know we're being quiet, which
I'm all about, but cute dogs.

Oh, thanks. They're cocker spaniels.
I rescue them.

You know, people rescue
greyhounds and pit bulls,

but everyone ignores
the cocker spaniel.

They're like, "Ew, eye goo.
Shoot it."

I have three cockers.

Do you have any pets?

I have a horse, Chestnut.
He's a thoroughbred.

Well, what can I do first?

What's this?
Why am I holding a juice menu?

Every day, we get fresh-pressed juice
for the students and the staff.

What a treat. Fresh juice is such a scam
unless someone else is payin'.

I'll take
the Greens number three.

Uh-huh, well, put it on the list
when you get the other ones.

Wait, I'm supposed
to get the juice?

Oh, boy, it's like
I'm a bad news machine.

Oh. Okay.

Happy to do it.
Surprised, but happy.

Uh, maybe I could change into
one of those cute chef jackets.

Oh, chef Nicholas only permits
pastry chefs to wear these.

But I can't meet everyone
on my first day looking like this.

I mean, it's already bad enough
I'm the juice girl.

I have some workout clothes
you can wear.

Don't worry.
I haven't worn them yet.

But I will someday.

Hi.
Hi, everyone.

I'm here to take
the fresh juice orders

and also to say this is not
what I came to work in.

What I came to work in
had less eyes.

Caroline, welcome.

How is it going
in the office so far?

So great, and so not what
I came to work in.

I'm usually wearing Chanel,
not le chien.

That's "dog" in French.

Oh, 'cause it's "dork"
in English.

Well, it is lovely to see
both of your faces.

Class, we start
with the basics.

No, no, no,
you in the back...

Juice, miss? Care for a juice from
someone who scored 1560 on her SATs?

You can score more
than 500?

Why the hell
are you wearing that?

I didn't think your chest
could get any sadder.

It's Bebe's.

Max, taking juice orders is
not what I came here to do.

I hear you.
I'll have the Ruby red.

I always keep the edge clean,
so when I'm squeezing it,

it's not gonna have cream
popping all over the place.

Words to live by.

I have
the opposite problem.

Yo, my cream's poppin'
right now.

What are you doing? You told me
you were gonna take school seriously.

It's not me. That guy's a bad influence.
Look at him.

He looks like someone who
sells drugs on Sesame Street.

You're gonna get
in trouble,

and I am not wearing a cocker spaniel
so you can get kicked out of class.

Right. I hear you.
Now, where's my juice?

Hey, chef Max.
Check out my technique.

Awesome gross sound bonus.

Chef, if you find this
so funny,

why don't you take
a fiver?

Isn't this how
your saying goes?

I don't have a saying,

but if I did,
it'd be more like

"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

Anyone else
who finds something hilarious

can also go
into the hall.

- Chef Max?
- Nope, nothing 'ilarious. Teach on.

Enough with
the dirty jokes.

We are all here
to become master bakers.

Master-baking is something
I work really hard at it.

- To be a master baker...
- I'll be in the hall.

- Hi, I'm Deke.
- Did you say "freak?"

- Deke.
- Did you say "geek?"

Deke, as in
"Big Deke."

Mine's bigger.

We should be lab partners.
Come on. It'll be bitchin'.

Max and Deke,
making cakes.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday,
with a special performance by Creed.

Okay, now stop,
stop, stop.

I am trying to be a good student,
so you just stay away from me.

You are
a bad influence.

And I know I nailed that speech
'cause kids at school

used to say it to me
all the time.

- Time to change your tampon?
- Yep.

Day two.
Serious flow.

Killer Fanny pack.
Where's your tribal poncho?

Ah, keep my needles
in this.

You're a drug addict too?
God. You are irresistible.

It's... it's insulin.
I'm a diabetic.

A diabetic pastry chef.

Wow, you're even more
self-destructive than me.

So diabetes,
how is that?

Disappointing.
I put in for syphilis.

Stop laughing. I have to carry
27 juices 2 blocks wearing this.

Why'd you let the dog lady
talk to you like that?

She's my friend,
even in that shirt.

Well, there goes
another $12.

I have spent more money dry cleaning
this blouse than I have on health care.

Health care? You mean that box of
band-aids we got at the 99 cent store?

I just have to look good tomorrow.
Today was mortifying.

They called me "Sad dog"
at the juice place.

"Sad dog,
your juices are ready."

Sad dog, pick up.

Can you take these to table ten?
I'm backed up on the booths.

Can you? I'm kind of just
sitting here a minute,

enjoying not being told
what to do.

I get enough of it
at that school.

Look.

If you're gonna do the martyr
thing, do it right.

Stick your hand
in boiling oil

or even more painful, binge-watch
Shahs of Sunset on Bravo.

I need to talk to you
in the kitchen now.

Leave, someone's about to get
schooled about school.

This looks like it's going
to get dirty and ugly.

May I film it?

And if so, may I then
sell it on the Internet?

- Look. You can't just do this for me.
- You're right. So we're out?

No, we're not out, you said
you were gonna do this for me.

I know, but you just said I can't
just do it for you, and I agree.

- I mean, who was I kidding?
- Me. You were kidding me.

I went in there thinking
I was gonna use

my business skills,
and whatever hope

I had of a flirtation
with Frenchie McFrench

went out the window when he saw me
wearing that t-shirt that said,

"Don't forget
to spay and neuter me."

Fine, I can quit.
It's fine.

- It is? Really?
- No, it's not fine.

- Who am I kidding?
- Me. You were kidding me.

Well, you've gotta figure out
something there to keep you interested,

because you can't go to
pastry school just for me,

and I'm not gonna not go
to pastry school for you.

Okay. You're right, Max.
Of course I'll do it for you.

I just had a bad day.
I mean, we both did.

You lost your man's briefcase
and your drugs,

and I lost my dignity
and a possible love interest.

Surprise!

See, that's how
it's supposed to go.

- We got you a new book bag.
- Yeah, and a new chef's jacket.

And a switchblade.

Yeah, 'cause we're not buyin'
another chef's jacket.

Max, you know
what this means?

That I got two surprises,
and you got nothing?

No, that everything's gonna
work out at that school.

I mean, in the blink
of an eye,

just like this, things can change
from bad to good.

Well, not totally good. They still
haven't gotten me anything.

Caroline, you didn't
not get anything.

Here, your very own
pencil case.

But no pencils.
My pencil dealer got busted.

Aw.
Thank you, guys.

I'm touched.
I was not expecting it.

Really? 'Cause you kinda
bullied us all into it.

So that's a 780 on verbal,
and a 780 on math.

And with my degree
in finance,

jackass-ing around the city getting juice
could be seen as a waste of my talents.

And as the valedictorian
at my graduation said...

and I'm stealin'
from myself here,

"I've seen the future of finance,
and it's us."

- So you want me to get the juices?
- Just for today. Please?

Meringue cookies are a simple way
to practice our pastry bag technique.

Hm, interesting technique
you got going there, chef.

Dude, we gotta ditch
these deadbeat partners.

I'm stuck over there
with grandma.

No, I'm staying
with the big guy next to me.

He's not gonna get me in trouble.
He never talks. Get outta here.

- Go back to your own table, Fat Albert.
- Okay. I'm going back.

And the Fat Albert thing was
'cause I'm black, not fat, right?

'Cause I go to the gym
two, three times a year.

I hear talking,
but no baking up front.

No, no, no, you only hear baking.
Just furiously master-baking up here.

The meringue needs
to have nice peaks.

You are looking to make
moist, pointy peaks.

I like to pinch them.

Chef, seriously, man-to-man,
we got a problem.

I don't think Max should be stuck
with that big guy. He's not cool.

I was just over there, and the only
pointy peaks he's interested in are hers.

Talkin' boobies here, chef.

Chef John, chef Deke here seems to think
you are sexually harassing Max.

Oh, please.

If I was harassing anyone,
it would be you, chef.

I mean, come on.

- Be right back, Big Mary.
- You know it.

- Where's my juice? It's been an hour.
- The mood swing elf's getting them.

Look, I'm coming in there to flirt
with chef Nicholas, and when I enter,

I need you to say,
"Caroline, you look amazing."

No.

I actually physically
can't say that.

I would rather walk in there
and yell,

"I have crabs,
and three of them just escaped."

Call 9-1-1.
Call 9-1-1.

Something's happened
to the adorable mixed-race one.

Deke?

He's diabetic.
He needs Insulin.

Has anyone here ever
administered a needle?

Uh, administer means the same
thing as "shove it in," right?

Good, good, good, Max.
Come, come, come.

Okay, uh, his syringes
are in his fanny pack.

I've actually never done this without
Iron Maiden playing in the background,

but I'll give it
a shot.

Just put it anywhere
in my hot bod.

God help us.

- Oh, I hate needles. I can't look.
- Oh.

Get it together, ladies.

This is why I'm not allowed
to hold babies.

Max, I think you and Deke should be
lab partners from now on,

in case something like this
happens again.

- Is that okay?
- I guess if I have to.

Max?

I guess if I have to.

Oh, mon Dieu!

What, did you not take
your Insulin on purpose?

I really wanted
to be your partner.

Bebe, I can't find a chef jacket
anywhere in here.

And I'm sorry, I know
I'm not supposed to wear one,

but I'm really cold, and I can't
walk around like this all day.

Maybe I can help.

You can't stand there
wet and cold.

Take my jacket.
Oh, no, no, no.

You don't have...
oh, that'll work.

I'm sorry about the no shirt under, but
I just get so hot when I'm teaching.

Yeah, hot.
So hot.

Oh mon Dieu.

I was just giving it
to Caroline.

I mean, she needs something to wear,
and... and now, she has it.

Chef, I will
see you later.

Caroline...

Max, I think I found something
to keep me interested.

This is weird.
So I'm the good student now?

And you're the one
sleeping with the teacher?

We're not sleeping together.
Why? Do you think he wants to?

I don't know, but you better hurry it up
before Big Mary gets him.