2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 1 - And the Soft Opening - full transcript

Max and Caroline are selling cupcakes out of the store room in the diner which has a window where the customers can walk up. And when their first customer dies, they're worried that it might have a negative affect on their business. But it turns out the man was a rock star and a lot of his fans show up where he died paying homage to him and buying the cupcakes. Han upon seeing how well they are doing and that he's losing business because of them decides to ask them to pay rent but he already agreed not to charge them.

Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner,

my name is Max 'cause the hospital
wouldn't let my mother name me "Oops".

I've been out of town all summer,
anything new?

Anything new? Let's see, well...

Facebook went public
and Edward Snowden went private.

Kim and Kanye had a baby,

so now there's another Kardashian
to not keep up with.

Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in,

and a teacher in California's out
for letting her students get it in.

Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run,
Chris Brown got a hit-and-run,

Rihanna got hit and still didn't run.

Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus
gave Michael Douglas throat cancer,

and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere
another excuse not to do that.

Egypt went crazy,
Amanda Bynes went crazier,

and the NSA checks our phone
like a crazy ex-girlfriend.

Oh, and Texas hates women,
Florida hates blacks,

And everybody hates everything
with the exception

of Angelina Jolie,
who is totally awesome.

I meant on the menu.
Anything new on the menu?

I have no idea. Let me check.

Hey, Caroline, anything new
I should know about?

The royal baby
smiled at the queen.

I meant at the diner.

Oh. I think we're maybe

washing the forks now?
Let me check.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Sync by No1, corrections by XhmikosR

See, Max, one quick change,

and we went from polyester and
pitiful to powerful and proud.

Just like superman.

Except that superman changed
in a phone booth,

not a stall that says,
"for a good time, call Max."

Well, if you have a problem
with it, why did you write it?

'Cause I didn't have
enough eyeliner to write,

"for an interesting time,
call Caroline."

Look. Look, Earl, we're wearing

our "Max's homemade cupcakes"
t-shirts again.

See the logo?

Well, actually, I try never

to look you ladies
in the "chestal" area.

It keeps things
on the up and up.

Oh, Earl, you are
one in a million, literally,

'cause 999,999 men have only
looked me in that area.

Well, I got to go home. I've been
watching Dharma & Greg on Hulu.

Oh, I missed so much
growing up in Korea.

What, like puberty?

Max, in my count
I'm average height.

Max, in my country
I'm average height.

And in my mind, I'm still rich,

and my health care plan
isn't Flintstones chewables.

So who wants to go in the back

and see how amazing
our brand-new cupcake shop is?

Bring down the enthusiasm,
Rachael Ray.

we're not supposed to get

all excited
about this opening tonight.

Last time, we made a big deal,
and the shop didn't do so well.

That's like saying the people

near the nuclear explosion
didn't do so well.

I am so proud of you two,

getting back up on that horse.

After my first jazz record
didn't sell,

I turned to a life of drinks,
drugs, and loose women.

Funny how sometimes
things just work out right.

But how can you be opening
your cupcake window right now?

- It's 2:00 A.M.!
- Our hours are 2:00 to 4:00.

We're targeting
the "post bars" demographic.

Drunk Williamsburg guys.

That's my target
when I'm by myself

and now my target
at the new shop.

Funny how sometimes
things just work out right.

We have no big expectations
about the opening tonight.

It's a soft opening.

What's the difference

between a soft one
and a hard one?

You want me to show him?

Thanks, but we're cool.

it won't take me a minute.

It's fine, Oleg.

Just so you know,
I'm already there.

Get ready, this room's had
an amazing transformation.

- Rachael Ray?
- I mean, it's fine, whatever.

Han, before we go in,
close your eyes.

I want you to get
the full effect.

Yeah, and I want to trip you.

- She's kidding.
- No, she's not.

Yeah, I'm not.

Han, I promise,
I won't let her trip you.

Now, close your eyes.

- What?
- Now, I thought she was going to hit me.

- She was not.
- Yeah, I was.

Okay, no more blind eye
bull crap.

Just show me
the damn smelly back room.

Let me turn off the lights
for a more dramatic impact.

What? I didn't do anything.

It was me.

He now knows what hard is.

I cannot believe my eyes.

I felt the same way
when I first saw you.

Original tan, original tile,
original too.

What do you think, Oleg?


"Nice"? All you got is "nice?"

This place was like
Great Adventure for rats!

They were waiting in line
to bite us.

Caroline, show them
your bite marks.

- I'd rather not.
- Nice?

It used to smell like the place
poop comes to die.

Or death comes to poop.

And look what we did!
We created

the greatest, coolest, chic-est
cupcake shop, and I love it!

But you know, no enthusiasm.
Just soft opening.

And, Han, this was all possible

because you gave us
the space rent-free.

Now, refresh my memory.

When exactly did I say

On the 27th, 4:15 P.M.,
you said,

"I don't care about that dump,
you can have it for free.

Burn it to the ground,
for all I care."

I knew learning English would
come back to bite me in the ass.

Somebody's already knocking?
That's a really great sign, Max.

Time to open.

Look, girls, I'm blowing
this party horn for you.

Thanks, Sofie, but we didn't
want to make a big deal,

it's a soft opening.

Oh, I love a soft opening.

- Hello, Sophie.
- Oh, hello, Oleg.

Sorry, Sofie, about this
uncomfortable meeting.

If we had known
you were going to surprise us,

- we wouldn't have invited Oleg.
- Yeah, I was there

when you two broke up and
I'm still suffering from PTSD.

"Post-traumatic Sophie drama."

There's no drama.

And the award
for the best drama goes to...

Not us. Right, Oleg?

Yes, we're friends now.

See, girls, I cheated on her,

so she smashed in
my car windows.

And my apartment windows.

And your stereo
and your flat screen.

And my brother's flat screen
and his daughter's computer.

Yeah, she surprised me.
She wasn't supposed to be home.

We got it out of our systems.
Good night, friend.

Good night, friend!

And, Oleg?


That is one lucky horn.

Honey, look.
Look, some customers.

Hey, cool guys!

Come over here and eat something
from the girls' soft opening!

That is so not
the way I would've gone,

but I'll take it.

Hello, hello.

What have we got here?

Welcome to Max'
homemade cupcakes.

In England we call 'em
"fairy cakes."

Fairy cakes? Damn it.

Why are the hot ones
always gay?

Here you go, darling,
give us the whole lot.

Oh, my God!

A black American Express card?

I haven't held a black one
in my hands in years.

I would've guessed you hadn't
held a black one ever.

Sorry, it's our first night,
cash only.

Oh, wow.
He is really out of it.

- What is he on?
- Besides me later?

Do not know, but am jealous.

And now I'm really jealous.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

Oh, I'd say
he's more than fine.

I'd say he's my next boyfriend.

Ronald, mate. Wake up.

He's not breathing.

I can't wake him, call 911!

Call 911!

Let's all just calm down.
I have seen this happen a lot.

One summer I had a part-time job,
I was a life guard at a crack house.

- ***
- He'll come to in a second.

He's dead.

Called that wrong.

Max, the guy who died
in front of our shop last night

was a rock star.

He used to date Kate Moss.

No offense,
but dating Kate Moss

is like a law in England.

Everyone has to do it
when they turn 21.

His name was Roland Glass,
and he has two gold records.

I can't believe
I've never heard of him.

I can.

Your go-to jam
is the soundtrack from Newsies.

Yesterday a rock star,
and today he's gone.

You never know.
That's why I ordered us breakfast

from the fancy breakfast place
on the corner.

You ordered
from "Magna cum latte"?

Everyday when I pass by it, I think
2 things. One, I wish I had a gun.

And, two, someday I'm gonna
order breakfast to be delivered

with one
of their fancy-ass croissants.

Who knows, tonight
I could do too much heroin

and die an unexpected death.

But at least then I'd die
doing something my mother loved.

You're right, Max.
You only live once.


And you only live till
the next time you say "yolo."

Oh, no. More bad news.

According to my Google alert
for Max's homemade cupcakes-

you have a Google alert
for our business?

I only have a Google alert
for "Oprah goes topless."

I'm not saying
it's gonna happen,

but I'm saying, if it does, I'm
gonna be the first one to know.

Look, it's online that Roland
Glass died in front of our shop.

And now my phone just died.
It's an epidemic.

Oleg, what are you still doing
with the arrow from our shop?

I thought that you said that was hung.

No, I said I was hung.

And I can't put it up now

with that crowd of people
in front of your window.

There are people
in front of our window?

Dude, is this
where my man Roland died?

Yeah, right over there.

Then I'm gonna put this here,
next to Paddington bear.

I caught this at his last concert.

And I also caught this.

So, like, what, dude?
He just dropped to the ground?

Actually, he hit right here
first, smiled, then fell.

He smiled? Dude.

Max, can I see you over here?

Sorry for your loss and dope hat.

Thanks. I found it in a dumper.

Max, what are you doing?

Don't tell them
he hit our counter.

We need to distance ourselves
from the entire event.

This spells disaster
for our new business.

Dude, can I get
three dozen cupcakes?

Or it spells success.

I have beaucoup friends coming
here for the midnight vigil.

How much are your cupcakes?


That's a lot.

Dude. Roland would've
wanted it that way.

♪ Knock, knock,
knocking on heaven's door ♪

And he hit right here
before he fell.

And as he fell,
he looked up at me and smiled.

Content. Peaceful.

That'll be $7, cash only.

Mira, can you break a 50?


Yeah, what do you need?

Change for a 50.

Got it. I mean, why, God, why?

♪ Knock, knock,
knocking on heaven's door ♪

Ten, ten, ten, ten.
♪ Heaven's door ♪

Max, we're almost
sold out in here.

I need more cupcakes
from the kitchen.

Got it. I'll come right in.



Same split as before.
30¢ on every dollar you sell.

What a waste.

You know how much money
we could make if we sold pot?

Oh, you want in on that too?
Same split.

Oh, man,
that hippie patchouli smell

is worse than the poop was.

Han. These people are
in mourning. Show some respect.

Me? Me show some respect?

What will you two do next,

sell cupcakes
at the diabetes wing

at the children's hospital?

How dare
you doubt my sincerity?

I personally have shooed
a homeless man

away from peeing
on that shrine twice.

I don't care what
I may or may not have said

on the 27th at 4:15 P.M.

Your business is booming,
and now I want rent.

No way, Han. That man
could've overdosed anywhere.

But God made him overdose in
front of our window as a gift.

And, yes, we are accepting that
gift because you only live once.


This isn't "yolo" it's "hodo".

"He Only Died Once."

I'm surprised you aren't
selling "hodo" t-shirts.

How dare you again?

We are simply providing
some comfort food

to people who need comfort.

And, I might add, we are doing
it with the utmost respect.

♪ Knock, knock, knocking
on the apple store's door ♪

That's it,
your business is booming,

I want rent. 200.

A year?

A month, and it's a bargain
for my beautiful space.

This space is only beautiful
because we made it beautiful.

Yeah, show 'em your bite marks!

Max, I'd rather not.

You will pay me $200 a month,

and there is nothing
you can do to change my mind!

Show him your bite marks! Fine!

A rat bit her ass?

Okay, 195.

No rent, Han. That wasn't
the deal you made us.

This is not personal,
it's business.

I want a slice of grief pie!

Show him your front bites!

No! That's too personal.

- Sorry you had to do that.
- So am I.

- It's healing nicely.
- Don't lie to me.

I think it's nice of us to add
our flowers to the others.

Shows respect.

You're acting
like you didn't steal them.

Max, it's the thought
that counts.

And I thought it'd be cheaper

to pull them out
of someone's garden.

Wait, where's the shrine?

Look, Han moved it
over to the diner door.

That insolent charlatan!

Whatever that means.

♪ Knock, knock,
knocking on heaven's door ♪

Can you believe this, girls?

He's cashing in on a man's death.

Without us.

And in his honor
tonight we a serving

chicken ala Roland!

At a mourner's discount
of just $8.95.

Looks like Jiminy Cricket
turned to the dark side.

I also have rock star pudding.

Nope. No way, Max.
This is our shrine.

Grab a handful of bears.

We're moving
the dead guy's shrine back?

Wait, let me just
light a candle for my dignity.

It died here too.

Max, do you want
to be successful or not?

Because if you do,
grab one of these poems

that doesn't follow
any of the rules of poetry,

and move it back
to the cupcake window.

Because this is our death.

I think maybe
you're being a little harsh.

"Rock out in heaven.
Love, Kevin."

That is gold.

Oops, knocked over a candle.
Ooh, small fire.

Fire on the shoe.

If I don't get this out, it's
gonna be my memorial service.

Look, look.

Those girls are disrupting
the shrine of a dead man!

Look, look, a roach got out
of the diner! Quick, step on it!

Look, hippies, look!
Put down those bongs and look.

They're moving the place
where a man died

for their own financial gain!

Hey, that's so not cool, man.

Yeah, me on. Yeah, boo!

He's the not cool one.
Yeah, look at him!

Roland Glass died horrible death

in front
of our adorable cupcake window.

See? "Horrible, adorable"?

That rhyme just came
right off the top of my head.

Hey! Hi.

Hi. He knows!

I told him to stop
peeing on the shrine

when it was still over there!

Isn't that right?

Yep. That's the bitch.

Yes! Yes! I'm the bitch!

So not cool, dude.
Let's get him out of here.

No! Stop!

That's my wallet!

Ooh, stop!
That's not my wallet.



Cast of Rock of Ages, stop!

Put him down. He's cool.

Even with those clothes
and that head.

I mean, really. Are we
that desperate for success?

We'd let Han be torn apart?

I'm thinking.


Max, I'm thinking.

Well, no one's knock, knock,
knocking on our door now.

It's more dead out there

than when there was
a dead guy out there.

I'm having second thoughts
about how we behaved today.

I mean, how could we
have let Han live?


I brought you some rock star
pudding to say thank you.

Oh, rock star pudding.
What's in it, pills?

Broken dreams?
Tear-stained panties?


I'm not as easy as Max.

Said every girl in
my seventh grade class.

Look, I was wrong.

No, Han, I was.

We should pay rent.

I wasn't talking
about the rent.

Who said anything about rent?

I was wrong when I said

it wasn't personal,
it was business.

After Max stopped me
from being torn

limb from limb
by the smelly hippies,

I realized, with us,
it is mostly personal.

And a little business.

A little business?

What other kind could you have?

Max, let's not be hard on Han.

He's giving us
this space rent-free.

No one said "rent-free."

I came up with a number
I think is fair.

- $250,000.
- Yeah, sounds fair.

I remembered that was
your original cupcake shop goal.

So when you hit that amount,
we can talk rent.

Han, that is so sweet.

And I'm not gonna ruin it
by bringing up the fact

that she just said
"hard on Han."

Really, Han,
it's so, so generous.

But I don't know
if we're comfortable with it...

What if we offered you
a small piece of the business?

I'll wait for the rent.
You two are good friends.

A woman finally
offers Han a piece,

and he turns it down.

Max. Google alert.

Oprah's topless?

Max, let that go.
That's never gonna happen.

Not with that attitude.

No, the autopsy
says Roland Glass

on a Max's homemade cupcake.

This is a disaster.

Hey, where's your enthusiasm
now, Miss Rachael Ray?

This place is the balls!

And it's just a matter of time

till those sicko hipsters
are lining up

for "one of those cupcakes
that killed that dude".

Open the window!
We're back, baby!

But we can't count
on a guy dying every week.

I mean, I have
a positive attitude,

but that's too pollyanna.

We don't have to.

That's what's so great
about this window.

Who knows what'll happen?

Right, and we won't
have to chase business down

because we'll be
right here on the street

waiting for it to come to us.

Max, I feel so good
about the possibilities.

One night it could be
a black American express card,

and the...

Max, is it...

Other nights,
it's a friendly little visit

from our homeless guy.

Sync by No1, corrections by XhmikosR