2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 8 - And the Egg Special - full transcript

Okay, everyone

time to divvy up
what's in the Lost & Found box.

If my dignity's in there,
tell it I say "What up."

This is my favorite
day of the month.

Oh, God, I've fallen
so far so fast.

You haven't fallen that far.

First item--
A scrunchie.

I need that.
Give me!

I think I hit my bottom.

Okay, next item.

A pregnancy test.

That's empty.
What?

I had two free minutes,
and you never know.

Can we move this along?

I'm an old man,
and I need to get to bed.

You are late to meet woman
for hot date.

You know it.

A wallet and...

No money.

What?
If I was pregnant,

I needed it for the baby.

And finally
for the sixth month in a row...

The wig.

All: The wig!

Han, it's your turn.

We have all put it on
except you.

If I had to take
a picture in it,

you have to take
a picture in it.

Okay, fine.

Man, I'm a fun boss.

Oh, sorry, sir.
We're closed.

I was just checking
if I left my toupee here.

Take the picture quick.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[Cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

I got it.
Here it is.

The new Martha Stewart Living.

I ran so fast,
the librarian said,

"Stop running in the library,"
and I almost said,

"This is different.
I'm stealing."

Why are you still even looking

through Martha Stewart Living
every month?

'Cause we might be mentioned
in it.

Martha said she hadn't forgotten
about us.

That's what my mother said,

but I spent
a whole day and night

in that school parking lot.

Silver lining--
I still know the whole rap part

to TLC's Waterfalls.

Well, I'm still holding out
hope we're in this,

even though I've been hurt
two months in a row.

Oh, God, am I
in an abusive relationship

with a lifestyle guru?

Okay, let's get this
over with.

"How to make him
love your salmon."

"How to make him
love your stretch marks."

Hey, he just doesn't love you.

Activia ad, Activia ad,
Activia ad.

We get it, Jamie Lee.
You poop lot.

- "Get your oven Martha-clean,"
"Max's something cupcakes"

scarf, scarf, scarf.
Wait, Max's cupcakes?

You just said,
"Max's something cupcakes."

I did?
Wow, my ears are so not used

to anything good
coming out of my mouth.

There.
There. Look.

Both:
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes

is a Williamsburg must-have."
[Screaming]

What's this?
What's my face doing?

- You're smiling, Max.
- No way!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

It's a blurb.
Everyone, we got a blurb

in Martha Stewart Living.

Can I get
some more coffee?

Are you insane?

Hey, everyone.

What's the excitement?

Is it 'cause I'm here?

Sophie, look,
Max's homemade cupcakes

got a blurb
in Martha Stewart Living.

Oh, that's funny,

'cause I got a blurb
in New York Apartment Life.

Look. "Sophie's Choice
Cleaning Service--"

they clean
like their life depends on it."

Well, that's not exactly
the same.

No, 'cause, look,
I got three plungers.

Yeah, but I didn't want
to brag.

[Cell phone dings]
That must be Andy

wondering if I'm coming over
to have sex tonight.

Could my life
get any better?

Oh, my God.
It could get better.

There are, like,
ten cupcake orders here.

Birthday,
baby shower, bris.

Can we do a bris?

Sure. I'll just make
a little rosette foreskin

and write around the outside,

"Congratulations on not
terrifying women in 20 years."

Hey, Andy.

Hi, candy.

Did you see it?

Did you see
the new Martha Stewart Living?

Oh, sorry, no.
I still have to get

through my Glamour
and Modern Bride.

And I had sisters, so I'm
allowed to know those names.

"A Williamsburg must-have."
Nice.

You know I feel
the same way about you.

Aw, cute, but it really
doesn't mean anything

unless it's in a blurb.

I couldn't wait
to show this to you.

I'm so glad you were here late
doing inventory.

Yeah, you know,
it's the weirdest thing.

The only thing
I can't account for

is one missing
Elvis pez dispenser, Max.

Um, I don't know what
you're talking about, but...

[As elvis] Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Can we please get back
to the blurb?

Sorry.
You're right.

I should have made
a bigger deal about it.

It's just I've been
a little freaked out.

We had
some big drama here today.

Drama in a candy store?

Did the yogurt-covered craisins
finally realize

how stupid they are
and commit mass suicide?

No, but seriously
they pulled some bodies

out of the closed-down soup
kitchen across the way tonight.

So now we're completely
off the blurb?

Some guys broke in.
A bunch of people got shot.

Apparently, it was
a drug deal gone wrong.

Oh, my God.
That's horrible.

I know. Why can't a drug deal
ever go right?

Hey, they said
it was a real bloodbath.

I want to see it!

Oh, okay, so I'm closing
the magazine then?

Max, you can't go in there.

It's a crime scene.
There's police tape.

Is she magic?

One of my mom's boyfriends
used to rob electronic stores.

He took me once
for my birthday.

Hmm, there should be
a light switch around here.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, that's really gross.

That's the greatest thing
I've ever seen!

Take a picture
of me over here.

I finally have a reason
to join Instagram.

People are gonna be like,
"food, food,

cat, food, nails, nails,
murder?"

Guys, I can't be in here.

I get queasy if the meat juice
touches my peas.

Is this
your first blood splatter?

Jeez, someone's a princess.

Man, they are never gonna be
able to rent this place now.

I'm gonna go over to my store
and put blood on the walls

so Max will like it more.

Max, look around.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yup.
The shooter stood here,

and, based
on the blood splatter,

he was short
and walked with a limp.

And his name was Mad Dog.

'Cause I want that
to be his name.

No, Max, you know how we've
always wanted our own shop?

This is it.

This is Max's homemade cupcakes.

Oh.
Yeah, I see that.

And we can put our red velvets
over there

by the random skull fragments.

Besides, I thought our shop
was gonna be in Manhattan.

Manhattan's over.

Williamsburg
is the new hot area,

and besides Martha's blurb says
we're a Williamsburg must-have,

so we must have this space.

No, we must have the money.

I mean, this place has got
to be, like, $4,000 a month.

Was.
Was $4,000 a month.

That was the pre-tragedy price.

When people die,
it's a buyer's market.

You want to rent a room
in that Shining hotel now,

it's, like, 50 bucks a night.

Well, obviously
I wanna start a business

in a place where there
was a shooting spree.

And, if we go with red,
it's half painted.

But where are we
gonna get the money?

This blurb is our money
in the bank.

Oh, yeah, that's another thing
we don't have.

A bank.

There are places
set up by women

specifically to support
other women's small businesses.

I'm talking
girl-on-girl financing.

That's hot.

But I don't care
how much money they offer us.

I'm not braiding anyone's hair.

But are we ready?

Okay, yes.

This is a big leap of faith,
but we're getting in

lots of orders now
thanks to the blurb.

And what's the worst thing
that could happen?

Um, maybe these
could be our brains.

No, not gonna happen.

We're gonna kill it.

No disrespect to any spirits

still trying to find
their way into the light.

I'll figure out a place,
and we'll go

first thing in the morning.

Find something business-y
to wear, less cleavage.

Oh, these are all business.

Great, I'm gonna go find Andy.

What is it about real estate
that makes you wanna dry hump?

Max, I'm so excited.

We're getting our dream.

You look like you want a hug.

I do.

Good night.

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes,"

you're up.

Caroline,
why didn't you pick up?

They just called us early,
and I don't know

what to write on the paper.

And I feel like an idiot,
my boobs are suffocating,

and the only "business" thing
I could find was Han's blazer.

It's itchy, and there's
a piece of paper in the pocket

with his name on it.

Why would he have that?

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes,"

time is money.

Um, here.

But our appointment's
not for another 20 minutes.

Have a seat.

Cool place.

Women's small businesses.

Sisters doing it for themselves.

[Chuckling]
Well, I'm doing it

for the medical benefits.

- Go.
- Oh, now?

Before she gets here?

Um, well, I'm not really much
of a business person.

Great way to start
a business loan application.

Go!

You have a minute.

Okay, well, um,
how much time do I have now?

Slightly less than a minute.

Okay, uh, my business partner

could explain this
better than me, but I'll try.

[Clears throat]

[Almost inaudible]
We have a cupcake business.

And we bake cupcakes
in my roommate's bedroom.

I can't hear you.

You want to write it down,
draw it, shape it in clay?

I would have
filled this out more,

but that chick over there
wouldn't let me cheat off her.

She's not a girl's girl,
know what I mean?

Very professional.

Under past loan repayment,

you put, "Paid Todd back
all the beer money I owed."

To be fair,
he was drunk all the time.

I could have just said I did.

Points for honesty.

Let's get you
a new loan application.

Just got your message.

The one time I don't come early.

Speaking of that, I just had
the most amazing orgasm.

I mean, we've been having
really great sex,

but this morning,
I could not get enough of his--

projected growth ratio
investment analysis.

Hello, Caroline Channing.

Wharton class of '09.

That's our business proposal.

And I would be
a little embarrassed

about what just happened
if I didn't know

that we're all just girls here.

Can we move this along?

I got a busted toilet
and a pregnant dog at home.

Why didn't you tell me
she was under there?

Oh, sorry,
I wasn't expecting a monologue

from
Confessions of a Call Girl.

I'm afraid we're gonna have
to deny the loan.

Why? Because she had
a good orgasm?

Isn't that what the '70s
was about for you gals?

You have no business history.

And that's a requirement for us.

Well, I think we're done here.

Yeah.
I just said that.

I thought you guys were

about supporting
small women's business.

And this small woman's
"bidness" needs support

after the pounding
it took today.

Max, let's go.

Okay, there's a bank
in New Hampshire

that doesn't check anything.

And before someone else
grabs our cupcake space,

I say we get on a bus
and go up there.

They won't give out
their exact address,

but I know they're in
a mini mall with a white castle.

Better idea.

I went to Craigslist,

clicked on "etc" and found

all kinds of opportunities
to make some cash.

I'm fighting the instinct
to weep, but keep going.

At first I thought
I might call pit pig.

He just wants
his armpits smelled,

but that's, like, 1,000 sniffs.

Big commitment.

Or there's the weirdo
looking for pretty amputees,

but that feels
like a bigger commitment.

So, check it.

"Egg donors needed.

Ten to twenty grand."

No way,
I could never sell my eggs.

I mean, wouldn't you
hate to think

you had a kid out there
and not know it?

I probably do.

In 2006, I invented the Four Loko
and Robitussin smoothie.

It's pretty much
a blackout year.

Seriously, for the right price
I'd sell 'em all.

Really?

I mean,
I know you've always been tough.

To hear you tell it,
you were part

of an underground
baby fight club.

But don't you wanna be
a mom some day?

In the history of the world,

give me one example
of a really good mother.

You're putting me on the spot.

All I can think of
is Hilary Duff.

Look, you're complicating this

with these things
you call emotions.

Like it or not...

[Bawks like a chicken]

I'm an egg farm.

Because we don't know one single
person outside of New Hampshire

who can lend us
that kind of money.

Yoo-hoo, girls,
look out the window.

Up here!
It's me!

Oleg and I would like
two cupcakes please.

I feel weird
asking Sophie for money.

And how do we
even know she has any?

Well, she's building
her dream house in Poland

between a former death camp
and a new W.

She's gotta be loaded.

And Sophie's the kind of woman
who understands our dreams.

Come in.

That's exactly
what I thought would be

on the other side of that door.

Oleg, sweetie,
we have company.

I brought you an ass pillow.

Nice to see you like this
outside of work, girls, no?

Both: No.

Girls, did you see
my big hanging thing?

Yeah, we kinda just saw it.

No, I'm talking about my new
ch-andelier for my lake house.

Yeah, I can totally see you
drinking ch-ardonnay under it.

Oh, Max, you are so funny.

She's a real ch-aracter.

Yeah, that's not a word.

Okay, well,
we just wanted to bring you

some more cupcakes
for free, per usual,

and perhaps talk about
a possible business venture.

Oh, sorry, girls.

I have two rules in life:

Never drink
from the same well as a gypsy

and never lend money
to friends.

And, Max, you are my friend.

Okay, well, we were just
checking, but thanks anyway.

But, Sophie,
just hear us out.

It's a wonderful
opportunity,

and we'll of course
pay you back with interest.

Okay, buh-bye.

Let's go. We tried it.
Now it's--[Clucks]--time.

You are not harvesting
your body for money.

What's the big deal?

I sold two kidneys
for a down payment on my house.

Not true.
You need at least one to live.

Oh, well,
they weren't mine.

Well, you know
what we have to do.

Let's get the bawk
out of here.

And you're sure you're okay
with selling your eggs, right?

Totally. What do I care?
I've got a million of 'em.

I'm happy to lose a few.
More room for beer.

Lose some eggs,
more room for beer.

It's crazy
that's not their slogan.

So what'd they ask you
on the application?

You know, income, hobbies,

"Did you ever
have sex in Africa?"

[Scoffs]
I wish.

The closest I ever got
was a dude once

put his hand up my skirt
in an Ethiopian restaurant.

You know,
now that we're here,

I think it's kind of wonderful
that places like this exist

to help women who can't have
babies have babies.

Hey, you think they
take points off for syphilis?

Max,
I think it's really noble

what you're doing
to get our dream.

This is a very special day.

How do you spell
"chlamydia"?

Well, no "k"s,

and I personally
wouldn't heart the "I."

Oh, thanks.

And do I gotta put here
if my brother touched a kid?

Max Black.

Thank you
for your interest,

but I'm afraid we're
gonna have to pass.

Why?
I didn't have sex in Africa.

Yes, I know,
that was your one plus,

but under "family history,"

you put "drinking"
and "secrets."

I was being honest.

Yeah, maybe too honest,
because under "education"

you wrote,
"Jeopardy reruns,"

and we're really
looking for college graduates.

Jeez, I'll take "elitist"
for 500, Alex.

Sorry,
we're looking for girls

that come
from Ivy league schools

and have impressive
family backgrounds.

Maybe her eggs
didn't go to Wharton

and graduate at the top
of their class like I did,

but just look at her.

Who wouldn't want a baby
with such strength, beauty,

and a rack so great
it could breast-feed itself?

You went to Wharton?

We pay $20,000
for Ivy league eggs.

[Clucks]

Wow, we're
taking blood already?

I guess going to Wharton
does put you on the fast track.

Just part of the process
to become a donor.

I'm gonna go get some vials,
and I'll be right back.

It's so cool of you
to do this.

It says a lot about you.

You know what says
a lot about me?

The fact that I know
she tied you off wrong.

I'm happy to do it.

It's a small price to pay
to make our dream come true.

I'm doin' this
to pay down some debt.

I'm real deep
'cause of Powerball.

Whoa, dude,
how did you get through?

I went to Harvard.
I'm like crazy-good at math.

Max, she's making me nervous.
Close the curtain.

And frankly,
I'm a little resentful.

I didn't get into Harvard.

Are you sure
you're okay with this?

- 'Cause you seem a little jumpy.
- No, I'm fine.

They're just taking
a little blood.

Or from the looks of it,

they're taking all of it.

There better be a nice juice
and a cookie after this.

Please relax.
It's only eight vials.

They gotta take a lot to
make sure they don't get a kid

with, like, another kid
growing out of it.

Max, this all
just got very real.

- Hold my hand.
- You know I don't hold hands.

Oh, you lesbians
are so high maintenance.

Please?

You don't think
I'm gonna give away

my best egg, right?

I'm not gonna give away
the concert pianist

and get stuck with the guy
who breaks into homes

and smells
women's underwear?

Well, either way,
you got a kid with a passion.

But you don't have
to do this.

No, I can do this.
It's for our dream.

But you don't have
to do this.

I can do this.
Put it in.

It's already in.

I can't do this.

I'm not trashy,
I'm not some farm animal.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I am so, so sorry!

You know
what would be cute here?

A cupcake store.

Hi, Max.
Oh, it's chilly outside.

Nipples everywhere.

Have a seat.
I'll be right over.

Oh, that's okay.
I texted my order in on the way.

Hey, baby. I got your text.
Did you get my erotic haiku?

I did.

Did you get the picture I sent
of me and the dustbuster?

No, I didn't.

Oh, no, Grandpa Yorgish!

Look.

Earl framed our blurb.

- He did? That is so sweet.
- What?

I always saw it as bigger
on the wall in our shop.

Look, the shop
is an amazing idea,

and, if it's not
that space right now,

it'll be another.

I mean, there have to be
mass murders

all over Brooklyn, right?

If we're lucky.

And, even
if it didn't work out,

it's still the closest
I've ever come

to something great,
and that's cool.

And someday we'll find someone
crazy enough to lend us money.

I say that because, if you can
convince me to believe a dream,

you can get anyone.

Pickup.
[Rings bell]

Here you go, Sophie.
That's $11.25.

Oh, you take a check, right?

This is for $20,000.

Oh, is it?
I thought it was for $20.

Oh, well. Keep it.

Maybe you could use it
for your dream,

or to get your legs waxed,
or something.

- Sophie, are you serious?
- Yes.

Sophie, this is really,
really amazing.

Oh, come on.
I don't need a parade.

Just keep
the cupcakes coming.

Max, do you know
what this means?

We are going to be
a Williamsburg must-have.

We're getting our dream.

I feel like you want
a hug.

I do.