2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 3 - And the Hold-Up - full transcript

The employees at The Williamsburg Diner see Han in a new light after the restaurant gets robbed.

I can't wait to go home

and ilegally download that documentary
about performance art.

And I can't wait to go home and watch

"Here comes Honey Boo Boo."

But first you have to see this.

Her name is Marina Abramovic.

In the 90's she and her boyfriend
did this piece called "Confrontation"

where they just slapped
each other's faces for days.

Oh yeah?

My mom and her boyfriend
did that too,

but they called it,
"Who smoked the last cigarette."

No, really, it was pure art.
She's a genius.

How about you and I
do a little art right now?


What are they doing?

I think they
might be doing a scene

from Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Ah, okay, stop.


That's for suggesting
we make a lip-synch video

to Call Me Maybe.

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh *

What's up, my man?
You look pretty down.

My mother in Korea
is working

my last nerve,
you know, Earl?

Well, uh, I didn't expect
a back and forth here.

Uh, Max,
do you wanna move in?

Han, you can't let your mommy
keep bullying you.

Stand up to her.
You're a 53-year-old man.

Max, I am 29.


I am 29.

What do you got, a case
of the Benjamin Buttons?

Han says he's 29.


Han, are you sure?

Yes, what makes you
think I'm older?

- Well, everything...
your hair, your clothes,

the $5 check you gave me
for my birthday.

Hi, can I help you?
Ooh, that sounded so sincere.

Well, when you're in my section,
you'll meet the real me.

I have one question.
Do you wanna live?

Actually, today,
I could go either way.

You see this?

Go around the diner
and have everyone fill it

with the contents
of their purse,

and if you do,
nobody gets hurt.

Okay, okay, okay,
but, uh, I don't know

how much
you're gonna collect here.

I mean, most of these customers
pay with coins

or fresh tomatoes
from their garden.

Uh, Earl, listen up.

We're being robbed
by that man in the suit,

and he wants everyone to empty
their stuff into this bag.

Uh, Max,
I've been on both sides

of this situation,

and the best thing to do
is play along.

Okay, Caroline,
I'm gonna tell you something,

and I don't want you
to react.

I knew you
were gonna get pregnant.

Damn it!
All right, fine.

- We'll get through this together.
- No!

Look, we're being robbed,
and that guy in the suit

might have a gun.

No, no...just do what I say,
and stay calm.

I need you to empty your purse
into the trash bag.

I can't believe
this is happening

just when I saved $2.

Max, I can't die,
and I certainly can't die

in this ugly uniform.

I mean,
it looks good on you.

Are you having
a heart attack?

I'm peeing.

What do you mean?

I'm really freaked out,
and I'm peeing.

I can't stop!

Just stop, stop!
Clench it.


No, can't.

Step out
from behind the counter.

Sorry, sir, I can't.

- Why?
- Well, um, I'm peeing.


Out of the way, girls.
I'll take down this...


Get away from him.

Miss, you need to get out
from behind the counter now

- before I...
- Uh, please take her, not me.

- What's happening?
- Han, we're being robbed.

So sorry.

Please take everything

that is
in my manny-pack.

Would it be possible
if I took my prayer beads out?

They've been in my family
for hundreds and hundreds of...

I don't think so, homeboy.

You're in my house now,

Here's what's left
in the bag.

Nope, sorry.
I don't see your dignity.

Max, don't.

Isn't it enough that
I'm wearing dishwasher whites

that have been around
since the invention of B.O.?

Oh, look at that, something
ate right through the swiffer,

and I don't think
it was the bleach.

How will you ever live
with the shame?

Can you believe
that is the man who saved us?

Yeah, I did not see
a gun coming.

I saw nunchucks, ninja smoke,
maybe some hairpulling,

but not a gun.

Well, good night,

I thought we all acted
very brave tonight.

Well, some of us.

Oh, yeah, I had a trauma,
and I urinated.

Ha, ha!
That's hilarious.

Yeah, you might need
some counseling.

I could drop you off
at a therapist

on the way to my "I was a human
shield" support group.

Am I ever
gonna live this down?

It happened,
like, ten minutes ago.

Okay, let's move on.

Oh, look, someone left
a coupon for free movie popcorn.

Oh, I'd love to escape
to a movie after my...

well, I'd just love
to escape.

How much are movies now,
like 200 bucks?

Unless you go with me,
in which case, it is free.

I'll take you tomorrow.

I've been sneaking into theaters
since I was two.

I crawled
into The Little Mermaid

with a sack
full of Cheerios

and a baby bottle
full of Diet Coke.

You know, Chestnut,
the only thing

that got me
through that robbery was you.

I kept thinking,
"who will take care of you?"

Because you can't count
on blondie selfish-pants

who used me as a human shield
and then peed herself.

Do not tell Chestnut
I peed myself.

He's the only one from my circle
who still talks to me.

As I was saying, Chestnut,
I would have taken a bullet

for her,
but she put herself first,

and that's okay.
It's fine.

Max, I'm surprised
you're even affected by this.

I mean, weren't you shot
as a baby?

I feel
like you told me that.

No, I told you I drank shots
as a baby.

My mother hated
to drink alone.

Okay, what free movie
should we see?

Maybe something
with a Fanning in it?

- I'll see anything
unless it's in 3-D.

I mean, if something's
gonna be flying at my face,

I'd better get a free prime rib
out of it.

So what do we do, Max?
What do we do?

Hide in the back alley
till the coast is clear,

and when the door opens,
make a break for it?

No, 'cause it's
not the 1940s.

We just go right up
in the usher's face,

make an excuse, and then
boldly walk with purpose.

Okay, well,
just show me how.

You can direct me.
I've done a lot of plays.

I could do
my "Eliza Doolittle"

before she was civilized"

Hello, governor.

Wow, that was just ugly.
I wish I hadn't seen it.

All right,
just watch me.

Walk, walk, walk, hair flip,
walk, walk.

Walk, walk, walk, hair flip,
walk, walk.

Good, but easy
on the hair flip, Willow Smith.

Oh, hi, girls.

Oh, I heard
what happened.

Max, you got pushed in front
of a gun.

You must be
very pissed.

oh, what a nice outfit.

On a scale of one to ten,
you're an eight.

Get it?

How do you even know
what happened?

Oh, well, Oleg told me
when we were upstairs

playing "hide the penis,"

and we laughed so hard,
we almost peed ourselves,

but we didn't
because we're not you.

Actually, we're going
to a movie.

Oh, well,
that's nice.

I hope you're gonna wear
your big girl pants.

- Max.
- What? It's silly and funny.

She's like
a Polish fart cushion.

Look, if it makes you
feel any better,

there can't be
any pee jokes left.

What are you seeing,

something rated
"pee pee 13"?

Fart cushions
are funny.

- There's the guy.
- I'm getting a little nervous.

I'm starting to sweat
like those people

on Locked Up Abroad.
I don't know why.

I haven't swallowed
a heroin balloon.

Okay, let's go.

Pretend we're out of breath.

Out of breath,
not out of your mind.

Hey, sorry.

Can we just run back
into the theater for a second?

I left my iPhone in there,
and the prescription

for her anti-seizure
medication's on it.

Yeah, which theater
were you in?

Theatre five.
Went to the 11:15.

Got out at 1:20.
A little long.

Could've cut ten
from it.

Wow, your walk with purpose
is getting

almost as impressive
as Han's "bang, bang,"

you're in my house now,

I know.
What about Han?

Before yesterday, we thought
he was 53 and unarmed.

Guess we learn something new
about people every day.

like having to learn

that when you get nervous,
I'm disposable.

That was very uncharacteristic
of me.

Hi, um, Hallelujah.

Cool name,
by the way.

How are you doing today,


They wouldn't let me put
an exclamation point

on my name tag.

Um, is there any way
you could make

a fresh batch
of popcorn?

I could,
but it takes ten minutes,

and your show
starts in two.

it takes 31/2,

and I can miss
a few trailers.

I used to work
at a Cineplex Five.

Oh, so now you just know
everything about life?

Come on,
the opening scene sets up

where he gets
his superpowers from.

Hey, Hallelujah here
is doing the best he can.

I mean,
based on his name,

his parents clearly had
bigger dreams for him,

and it is not his fault
you guys showed up two minutes

before the show starts.

Maybe next time,
you'll show up ten minutes early

without the attitude
and the fidgety exhaling.

You think Hallelujah
doesn't hear that?

- He does.
- Sorry to be such a problem.

We'll just take
whatever you've got ready.

No, girl.
I got you.

I'm gonna make you
a fresh batch.

Hallelujah, could I have
some fresh too?

You'll get the burnt ones
and like it, nerd.

Let's sit down here.

Ooh, I'm not sticking
to the floor yet.

Fancy theater.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hope I wasn't too hard
on you out there.

Nice cape.

I had it in my backpack.

- I wasn't sure.
- Hmm.

You made
the right choice.

She likes my cape.

Technically, she likes
your sister's cape.

Okay, so I don't know anything
about these superhero movies.

It's a remake of a prequel
to a sequel?

- I'm already confused.
- Okay.

So there's always a nerdy guy...

And he's either been wronged
or bitten

or exposed
to something toxic.

It gives him superpowers.

He's in love with a pretty girl
who his rival tries to kill

but then won't
because they have

to make another movie.

Also, partial nudity,

product placement,
dope explosions,

and a killer score
by Hans Zimmer.

Okay, your knowledge
of these superhero movies

is kind of turning me on
right now.

Are you kidding me?

The hero has red hair
as a child?

Um, weird,
'cause when he grows up,

he has black hair.

Was there some sort
of chemical spill,

which, by the way, wasn't
in the original comic book!

- What am I, dumb?
- Okay.

Okay, come on.

Come on, let's go
to another movie.

What are you talking about?

Well, you obviously
hate this.

You're yelling
at the screen.

Yelling at the screen
is the best part

of going to the movies,
and more white people

should learn that.

Oh, wow, look at that.

That car just exploded
in front of those two girls,

and one didn't use
the other's body

to block her
from the flying debris.

Are you ever
gonna let this go?

I don't know.
I mean, it's kind of a big deal.

You put my life
in danger.

Well, I've apologized
about it twice.

I don't know
how much more I can do.

Yeah, I could have died,

but you apologized twice,
so I guess we're good.

I don't
like this movie.

It's violence
against women.

Let's go see that
Katherine Heigl rom-com sequel.

Talk about violence
against women.

I am gonna go spend some time
with Katie Heigl.

At least she won't
make me feel guilty.

See ya.

Enjoy three
Walking On Sunshine montages.

I don't wanna go to a movie
by myself, and you're right.

I'm sorry.
I hate the way I acted.

I'm a spoiled rich girl,
and I always put myself first,

and I know that's something
you would never do.

Shut up.

I think I just saw Han.

It is Han.
What's he doing here?

Why is he sitting
all the way in the back?

I don't know,
maybe he's afraid

of blocking
absolutely no one's view.

And who is that guy and girl
he's sitting with?

Is Han
in a threesome?

Does he secretly
have game?

The only game Han has

is "One, two,
buckle my shoe."

Wait, he's leaving,

and so is the guy
he was sitting next to.

Did Han just get
more interesting?

We have
to follow him.

He can blast
a wall apart with his thoughts,

but he can't get
out of handcuffs?

Even I could get
out of handcuffs!

Have fun
being lied to.

You're right.
You're always right.

Are you seeing anyone?

That was hard
to watch.

Why is he going to
the bathroom with that stranger?

Is Han
also a republican senator?


Are all men's rooms
this depressing?

We are
such different people.

I was just gonna say
how nice it is.

I don't hear
sex sounds,

and he's not
on the changing table,

so maybe drugs
are involved.

You think Han's
an Asian drug dealer?

What's he selling,
crystal math?

Oh, look.
Han's coming.

- Aw, gross!
- No, no!

I meant
he's coming this way.

Hey, you're running.
Don't run, it's Han.

For him, every step we take
is like a 100-meter dash.

Sorry, you're the one
who doesn't want Han to see us.

I just don't want that kind
of relationship with him.

You mean the kind
of relationship

where you see someone
you know

at the movie theater
and say hello?

Yeah, I definitely
don't want that.

Ladies, may I
see your tickets, please?

Max, do you...

Can I see
your tickets, please?

I saw you
go into another theater.


Hi, honey.


I forgot my ticket.

He has my ticket.

Han, this nice usher man
thinks I snuck

into the theater,
so just show him the tickets.

Uh, uh...

You two are together?

- Yeah, why?
- Oh, it's nothing.

It's none
of my business,

but he just seems
too old for you.

- He's 29.
- What?

Uh, I'm gonna have
to see you

and your girlfriend's ticket.

Uh, I thought
I put the ticket in here.

Tickets. You put two tickets
in there, honey.

Um, okay.

I cannot find it.

Sir, you know
that sneaking into a theater's

a felony, right?

It is?

Han, what's that face?

It's the same face I made
when I peed...

Oh, honey.

How will I live
with the shame?

Well, at least
your fanny pack

isn't the most embarrassing
thing about you any more.

Well, well, well,
look who it is.

Hair flip and go.

I don't know what you're
doing, but it feels weird.

Now, look who's walk,
walk, walking with purpose

away from me again.

It wasn't a big deal.

Really? 'Cause I went
to movie jail with Han.

- Cool.
- We have a mug shot.

We're a notorious
gangster couple now

down at the Cineplex.

That's right,
Han-nie and Clyde,

but you know what,
I'm fine.

I'm thrilled, actually,
because you walking away

gave me one thing.

An obstructed view
of my sweet, sweet ass?

No, the satisfaction
of knowing

that you are just
as selfish as me.

What a selfish thing to say.

You can walk,
walk, walk away from me, Max,

but you can't walk away
from knowing

that you
split the scene.

What? I thought you
were behind me,

and besides, we couldn't both
get caught.

Who would live
to tell the tale

of the great Caroline Channing,
the girl

who couldn't walk
fast enough?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't turn this around.

Now, I see it,
the whole "Max" of it all.

When we got caught,
you only thought

about saving yourself,

and you weren't defending
poor Hallelujah.

You just wanted fresh popcorn
for yourself.

What can I say?
I guess you're on to me.

You said you'd take
a bullet for me.

You'd never take
a bullet for me.

Probably not.
No one ever takes a bullet.

It's just something people say
that they don't mean,

like, "how was your day?"

Or, "we'll stop
if it hurts."

Wow, so this
is who we are, huh?

Two selfish girls
who always put ourselves

before everyone else
and are willing

to do anything
to survive?

Guess we are.

Man, we're gonna crush
the cupcake competition.

But, Max,
even though we're ruthless,

every now and then,
on our own behalf,

we do put ourselves second,

and I guess that's
what makes us best friends.

I don't think
I've ever done that.

Yes, you have.

You let me stay
on your couch

when I had no place
to stay.

I guess I did.

And I gave you...

Go ahead.

Well, there must be something
where I didn't put myself first.

Let me know
when you find it.

just look at you.

You couldn't look
more scrumptious.

maybe I could

with a little chocolate
drizzled on me.

Oh, good,
there you are, Han.

I just have one question
that I have to ask you.

What is
your favorite musical?

Is it The Wiz?

Whiz, Max!
I found another one, right?

How do you even know
about this?

Oh, Oleg told me
while we were having phone sex.

And by phone sex, she means
we were using the phone

in the sex.

Don't worry, Han.

A lot of older men
can't control their bladder.

I am twenty-freaking-nine!

Ooh, what?

I'm humiliated, Max.

Hey, listen to me.

You didn't
sell Caroline out.

A lot of people
would have,

but you just stood there
like a man

and peed your pants.

That's true.
I did.

By the way, Han,
why were you

at the movies in the middle
of the day?

Sometimes people bug me,

and I need
some time away.

You know what, Han?

You're cool.

We're gonna hang

Not now,
not in a week,

but in the future.

Just sayin',
I got my eye on you.