2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 23 - And the Tip Slip - full transcript

Caroline's father, Martin Channing, asks Caroline to go on a talk show to defend him when a former employee threatens to defame him in a tell-all book.

Whoever tipped me
in Monopoly money

can go directly to jail.

A dollar?

Fake money
and they're still under-tipping.

Oh, look.
I love it when people

dress Guinea pigs up
in adorable costumes.

Han, you look like Babe Ruth.

Well, baby Ruth.

Maybe you two
can kiss my sweet ass,

because this outfit's
a home run.

I'm putting a team together
for the restaurant league.

Well, Han, I would play,
but you know,

I've got this hip thing,

meaning, I'm too hip.

What about you two?

I'm telling you,
I'm a great ball player.

No,
I'm a great ball player.

I know how to cup and tickle
mine at the same time.

I'm talking about America's
favorite pastime.

Oh, so am I.

Well, I'm in.
I have a really good arm.

Go over there, Han.
Let's have a little catch.

All right, here we go.
All right.

Go deep.
Go deeper, Han.

A phrase no other woman
will ever say to him.

Throw it, and don't be afraid
to bring the heat.

Ooh!

Too much heat.

Ball one... and two.
Game over.

I seem to have forgotten
a crucial part of my uniform.

Need a cup, Han?

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

You ladies
can wait in here.

Brian, before my father
comes in, how are his spirits?

You know,
for someone who's looking

at 60 to 100 years
in prison?

Pretty good.

I'll bring him right in.

Hey, Bri,
anyone get killed today?

You ask me that every time,
Max, and every time I tell you,

it's a white collar prison.

Got it. Anyone get shanked
with a Mont Blanc pen?

Yo, B, one more thing.

On Lock Up: Raw,
they always spray the guards

with a mixture of urine
and feces, so--

Max, please, can we go one day
without you mentioning that?

I wonder why my dad
wanted us

to rush out here
and see him today.

He probably wants
a conjugal visit.

- Max!
- Relax!

With me.

There they are,
the light of my life

- and her bouncer.
- Hi, Daddy.

Hey.
Max.

Oh, we startin' this?
No foreplay?

Oh.

Listen, I'm sorry to make you
come all the way out here

on the--God help me--subway,
but I actually need a favor.

Help me break out.

I'm kidding.

Daddy, it's so amazing
you can joke,

but maybe not around Max.

She's already offered
to skin a guard alive

and walk you out of here
wearing him.

Well, we know it works.

All right, listen.

This woman
who used to work for me

is being paid
a million dollars

to write a tell-all book
about me.

A million dollars?

How much can I get for
a tell-all book about Caroline?

Chapter one:
"Sleep farts."

Max, please, can we go one day
without you mentioning that?

The woman's name
is Sandra Rosenthal.

Caroline,
do you remember her?

Yes, the one
who lied on her resume.

The one who couldn't even add,
and worse than that,

she wore brown
with black together.

I like brown and black
together.

I know.

Wait, why would anybody
pay that woman so much?

What is she saying
she has on you?

Well, she's claiming
she was fired

because she had
insider information

about the Ponzi scandal,

and that we were sleeping
together, which we weren't.

Of course you weren't.
You would never

sleep with someone who wore
brown with black together.

Man, I haven't seen
this much hatred

toward brown and black
since the '50s.

Anyway, I wanted you
to hear it from me first,

because she's about to go
on Piers Morgan Live,

and she can say
whatever she wants.

No, she can't, because I'll
be there to refute her lies.

I'll defend you
with dignity and class

and my new lipstick
I just found on the subway.

Wow, Piers Morgan.
That dude's legit.

He's got a show,
he's got Piers 1 Imports.

I don't know what I'd do
without you, princess.

You're the only person
I can trust.

Now, get out of here,
'cause I gotta speak to Max

privately for a second.

Oh... sure.

- Okay, I--
- Just go.

Daddy wants to talk
to me privately.

- Love you, sweetie.
- Love you, Daddy.

Brian, I'll just be
right outside.

So, Max...

You know I'm all talk,
right?

I need you
to tell Caroline something

I couldn't bring myself
to say.

This woman is also claiming

I have a small penis.

Wait.

So I stayed behind
to see it?

No.

I want you to tell Caroline
so she'll be prepared,

'cause I'm pretty sure
that's the lie

that got the book sold.

How big of a lie?

Oh, a really big one.

So what did you and my father
talk about?

I don't want to tell you.
I'm uncomfortable.

You're uncomfortable?

This must be bad.

You've never been uncomfortable
in your life.

Is it drugs? Cancer?

Oh! Did he fall in love
in prison?

I'll be fine with it.
You can tell me.

When we had money,
I was very active

in the Park Avenue Straights
for Gay Doormen Alliance.

Is this
some kind of weird gang,

or did a game
just let out?

Max, come on.
Tell me.

Fine, the woman's gonna say
your father has a small--

Sir, your vuvuzela
is very loud, and very 2010.

My father has a what?

He has a small--

Seriously,
the game's over.

And how on earth you have
a wedding ring is beyond me.

What is she gonna say
about him?

I can't hear you!
She's going to say...

Your father has
a small penis!

He thought it'd be less awkward
if I told you.

Was it?

I can't believe
that Sandra Rosenthal woman.

There's another lie.
Why, have you seen it?

No, I haven't seen it!
I never want to see it.

Have you seen
your father's penis?

If I did,
it was waving good-bye.

Max, I've thought a lot
about it,

and I can't sit there
while that woman

waves my father's penis
in Piers Morgan's face.

You're lucky
it's not Anderson Cooper,

'cause he'd be
giggling up a storm.

I have a plan.

My goal on this show is gonna be
to discredit that woman

and tell people, even though
my father did a bad thing,

he did some wonderful things
as well.

Look, here he is
working with UNICEF.

Here he is
rebuilding Haiti.

Oh, this is just a cute picture
of him water-skiing

at a charity event
on Lake Tahoe.

What's the charity?
White men without golf clubs?

So that's my plan,
and hopefully,

going on that show
will put an end

to all these ridiculous rumors
about my father.

Hey, Caroline.

Yeah.

The word on the street
is your dad's got a weenis.

Sophie, how did you hear
about that?

Oleg told me.

It came up
on my Google penis alerts.

I like to keep current,
see what the trends are.

You don't want to be
that middle-aged guy

wearing the same penis
you had in high school.

Great, now,
it's all over the Internet

and my shoulders
are all up around my ears.

Look, I'm too tense
to even shake my head "no"

at that liar woman,
which was gonna be my key move.

I need a massage,
but I'm broke.

Caroline,
I'll give you a massage.

Get ready for a sad ending.

And beginning, and middle.

There.

Oh, yeah.

How does that feel?

Like baby spiders
are dancing on my shoulders.

You're the first Asian
I've seen

that can't give a massage.

Hey, Caroline,
I'll treat you and Max

to a massage
at my fancy spa.

Cool!
I've never been to a spa.

The closest I've been
is sticking my arm

in the free blood pressure
machine at Walgreens.

Wait, that's for your arm?

Thanks for the massage, Han.
It was very nice--

Oh, you're still doing it.
I had no idea.

That was a-mazing!

I mean, a guy rubbed me
for an hour

and didn't expect
anything back?

This massage stuff
could catch on.

I could not let go
during my massage.

Oh, was letting go
an option?

I was close, but I didn't want
to get halfway there

and have the management
throw me out or something.

I'm just so tense.

Piers Morgan asks
some difficult questions.

Last week, he asked
the Spring Breakers cast

their thoughts
on the North Korea situation.

Shh!

Sorry.

Max, this is a quiet room.
We have to be quiet.

Hi, girls!

Oh, I'm getting myself
some fancy water.

Look, they got lemon,
orange, and cucumber.

Ha! It's like a slot machine
over here.

Shh!

Oh, I just had
the best bamboo massage.

Oh, they kept whacking me
with it

until I confessed to stealing
that bread when I was seven.

Oh, what a load off.

Caroline, you still look
a little tense,

but I guess having to talk
about your father's junk

on national television
will do that to a girl.

I will not be speaking
about my father's "junk"

on television.

No, I can't have lunch
tomorrow.

I'm doing
Piers Morgan Live.

You won't believe
what just happened.

You joined
a demonic cult?

Sandra, the liar writing
the tell-all book,

just walked in.

She's getting
a day of beauty too?

This is like the gayest training
for a fight ever.

Sandra?

Right this way.

Lay face down.

I'll give you a few minutes
and I'll be right back in.

Perfect.
I really need this massage.

Promoting my new book
is exhausting.

I'm sorry
if that sounded braggy,

but I guess
that's how you sound

when things are going
so great for you.

Ugh! That poor masseuse
is gonna be forced

to listen to her yammer on
about her dumb book.

But then again, mine
had to hear me constantly say,

"don't be afraid
of the boobs."

We should be hearing
about that dumb book

so I know
what I'm up against.

If there was only a way
to get in that room.

Oh, anyone can get into
any room if they really want to.

I mean, do you think
that I was invited

to the audition
for the 2004 boat show?

Yeah.
Go.

I'll take care
of that masseuse.

Sophie, you're not gonna
hurt her, right?

No. I'm gonna try
tipping her first.

I'm back.

Yes, I was just
out in the hall with you,

now, here I am
in the room with you,

the same person.

Just keep your head down,
don't look up, and relax.

You're not gonna talk a lot,
are you?

No, but you should
feel free to.

Whatever's on your mind
or in in that book.

What?

What was that?

That?

That's just me, alone,

creating a healing space
with energy and sound.

Lots of sound.

So you're writing
a big book.

Do you want to tell me
all about that?

Well, it's about this guy,
Martin Channing.

Oh, he is very nice
and very respectable.

You won't think that
after you read my book.

I am really gonna
stick it to him.

Okay, now,
you're just pushing me.

Ugh!

Uh, how did you--

uh... How--
how did you do that?

It feels like
you have three hands.

That's how good I am.

This is supposed to be
a hot stone massage.

Comin' right up.

The hot stones.

Oh!

All right, here come
the ho-o-ot stones.

Oh!

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's nice.

I'm really loosening up.

Oh, well, then let's
loosen you up some more.

More stones.

More stones!

Yeah, I'm got paid a lot
of money for my tell-all book,

and I am really gonna
tell all.

Oh! Not there!
Not there.

What?
What is going on in here?

Well, what is
happening here, Sandra,

is you're about to go
on national TV

and tell America lies
about my father.

He never slept with you.

Oh. Did he never sleep with me
in your bedroom,

on your pink canopy bed?

You know what?
That never happened.

That's insane.
You're crazy.

Well, it's my word
against yours.

You're gonna be
very embarrassed on TV.

But not as embarrassed as you're
going to be in the spa lobby,

when I tell everyone that
I was touched inappropriately

by Caroline Channing.

You are not gonna
tell anybody that.

Who's gonna stop me?

Hey, girls.

I was listening
outside the door.

Everything okay?

Max, I don't know
if I can do this.

What if Sandra's
telling the truth?

She did know
about my pink canopy bed.

How would she know that?

Because everyone knows
Barbie comes with a dream car,

a pony, and a pink canopy bed
included.

There he is.
There's Piers Morgan, live.

Do you think
it's too soon to ask him

to give me a discount
at Piers 1?

He looks dignified, like he's
not gonna ask about a penis.

But what if he does?
Max, I can't do this.

Give me your phone.

You need
to remind yourself

of the person your father
used to be.

Look, here he is
working with UNICEF.

And here he is water-skiing
on "Lake Rich Person."

Look at that smile.
Is that the smile of--hold up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's coming out of
the left leg of his swim shorts?

I think your father's junk
is trying to tell me

there's gonna be
six more weeks of winter.

What are you saying?

I'm saying,
someone had a tip slip,

and that is not
a small tip.

And as a waitress
and a loose woman,

I know a small tip
when I see one.

- Here.
- Oh!

Sorry, sorry.

She just showed me a picture
of Anne Hathaway's new haircut.

Well, this is good, because
it proves that woman is lying.

Yep, you just have to
show this to Piers.

I told you, I'm not
going near my father's penis.

All I have to do
is point out

that that woman
has no finance skills.

Unlike her,
we are taking the high road.

Max, are you sending that
to yourself?

I'm here
with Sandra Rosenthal,

who's just signed
a huge book deal

to do a kiss-and-tell

on disgraced financier
Martin Channing.

Welcome to you, Sandra.

Hello, Piers.

Thank you for allowing me
to tell my story.

It's a story, all right.

Wow, so we're right into it.
Okay, well, let me catch up.

My other guest
is Caroline Channing,

daughter of Martin Channing,
who, to put it mildly,

is claiming that your book,
Ms. Rosenthal,

is a bunch of bull.

That's right, Piers.

It's pure rubbish,

As your people say.

That was perfectly American.

Right, then,
let me start with you.

Well, to catch everybody up,
Ms. Rosenthal's

large book advance really
has to do with something

that turned out to be,
by your words, very small.

Comments, Ms. Channing?

Psst! Psst!

I'd rather not comment
about that, Piers,

because I have class,
but I do have a question

for Ms. Rosenthal,
who was hired by my father

because she claimed
she had a degree in finance.

Ms. Rosenthal, if a train
carrying 27 passengers

leaves Grand Central Station
at 9:00 a.m.,

travels 800 miles to Chicago,
arriving at 5:00 p.m.,

how fast was it traveling?

Well, I--

Simple math, Piers.

- 100 miles an hour.
- I'm sorry?

That's your answer.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a mathlete.

Impressive.

I've got a math equation
for you.

If a 3-inch train
is entering a tunnel,

do I even know it's there?

Ladies, this isn't
Maury Povich.

Psst! Psst!

Piers, I am simply
trying to illustrate

that she should have
been able to answer it,

had she been qualified
for her job in finance.

Everything that I am writing
in the book is true, Piers.

There is nothing
that I have said

that she can prove
is untrue.

Wait a minute, why is there
a woman under my desk?

Oh, is there, Piers?

Yes, my father
defrauded a lot of people,

and he's paying a price
for that,

but I'm not gonna sit by
silently while she exploits him

with lies for her own gain.

Piers, there's so much
about my father

I want you to know,
like he--

What is this?

Well... I know what this is.

I've got one.

But whose is it,
and why am I looking at it?

It's my father's.

He had a bit of a tip slip.

Madam, I don't know what
you're looking for in a man,

but this...

Is far from inadequate.

In fact, it's so far
from inadequate,

that I'm bringing this interview
to an immediate close.

Your book and you lack
any credibility.

That's it.

"Can you hook me up with
a discount at Piers 1 Imports?"

Hey, you know,
they'll probably come to you

one day and want
a tell-all book.

Remember, we already have
chapter one, "sleep farts."

Chapter two:
"My new Stepmom Max."

Max, am I gonna have to defend
my father forever?

Probably, but don't worry,
I'll be there to help.

Thank you.

'Cause it's a wife's job

to defend her husband.

It makes me sad to think
he's gonna be in prison

for the rest of his life.

Don't think of it like that.
He's not just in prison.

He's in Africa
working with UNICEF,

he's in Haiti, he's water-skiing
on "Lake Rich Person,"

and he's on the desktop
of my computer.

I should delete that.

Where'd I leave my phone?

Oh, God, are you guys looking
at the picture of my dad?

We are. Respect.

So very much respect.

Eh, I've seen better.

Every day.

Give me that.

Oh!