2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - And the Pearl Necklace - full transcript

The girls are really stressed about Martha Stewart not getting back to them on their cupcake business, so they decide to hunt her down one more time.

Hi, I'm gonna be
your waitress

'cause my mother drank.

We need a sec.

Feelin' kinda generous,
take two.

Then he said to me,
"Dude, your vagina is weird."

Dude, that's insane.

It is so not weird.

Your vagina's awesome.

Okay, I'm ready.

Now I need a sec.

Well, it's over.

I can't say it any more.

The vagina's
gone mainstream.

What's next?
A clothing line at target?

Aw, Max, I'm sorry.

It's your favorite word.

And my favorite body part.

But now everyone's saying it.

Well, we can
pick another word for it.

Something cute,
like cookie.

Yeah, it sounds like
a good idea

until you walk past
a bunch of girl scouts

selling their cookies
on the street.

Well, we've gotta
pick something,

'cause vagina's everywhere.


* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh *

Sync & corrections by Alice

Previously on 2 Broke Girls...

This is invitation to
Metropolitan Museum Annual Gala.

We have the invitation.
She'll be there.

You are talking about us
stalking Martha Stewart.

So you want me to taste your
cupcake in the ladies' room?

What's inappropriate
about that?

That is our beer batter

maple bacon
spring break cupcake.

Quite tasty.

Do you girls have a card?

Martha Stewart
likes our cupcakes!

Max, have you
seen my phone?

I wanna take a picture
of this bad tip

and put it on Instagram.

Getting loose change
used to be so depressing,

but now I can
share it with strangers.

Let me sum it up.

Twitter is stupid.

And Instagram is Twitter
for people who can't read.

Where is my phone?

I could've sworn
I left it right here,

next to yours.

Oh, I'll just call it.

Oh, that's not necessary.

I'm sure it'll turn up...

* My milkshake

* brings all the boys
to the yard *

* and they're like

* it's better than yours

in my pocket.

Max, why are you
hiding my phone in your apron?

Is that the big question,

'Cause I think
the bigger question is,

why is your ringtone
"My milkshake

brings all the boys
to the yard"?

If you have to ask that,

you clearly have not
seen my milkshake.

Okay, here.
I'm busted.

I was checking to see
if Martha Stewart called us yet.

You checked it again?

You check it, like,
every 15 minutes.

I know!

I am acting like
a little bitch.

Max, Martha Stewart
has our business card.

She liked our cupcakes.
She'll call.

Look, in my defense,
she asked for our card.

She got us
all hot and bothered.

And then what?

Martha Stewart
is cake tease.

How dare you!

Martha Stewart
is not a cake tease.

Nothing worse
than a cake tease.

Ask any man.

Yeah, you shower,
you powder your sack.

For what?

Look, Max, relax.

She'll call.
Everything's gonna work out.

I mean, a year ago,
we didn't even have

a cupcake business.

Look how far we've come.

I haven't come at all,

thanks to the cake tease.

Oh, your cupcake is quite tasty.

Do you have a card?

Max, that's a good
Martha Stewart.

I know,
'cause I can't

get her siren voice
out of my head.

Wow, Han.

You look you were hit
by a Mardi Gras

and a Gay Pride float.

I have just returned
from the exciting

Manhattan Restaurant
Trade Show.

Look at all this
free swag.

And I've got stress balls.

Well, just go in the back
and take care of yourself.

Listen up, everybody.

I have a big announcement.

"- Well, more like
a 5'1" announcement.

I am changing the diner
to state-of-the-art

computer "power touch"
ordering system

for food and checks.

I am not
learning anything new.

I work here because
I have no skills.

You don't have
to learn it, Max.

It's very smart machine.

- It will help you.
- Uh-huh.

That's how it started
with machines in The Matrix.

Next thing you know,
the human race was enslaved.

Been there, done that.

I'm with Max.

We are doing it.

It's important
to move the business

into the future.

So get with it,
you luddites.

Ah, ah, ah, ah,
girls, we got big trouble.

If he starts
using a new system,

I won't be able
to use my old system

where I skim something
off the top.

Earl, skimming?

I'm kind of shocked.

I don't do it for me.

You know how once a month
you girls

have really good night in tips?

You're welcome.

I have been lying awake
at night

trying to figure out
how we made that 200 bucks

with her skills.

- Hey, girls.
- Hey, Sophie.

You know,
every time I come here,

Im 'surprised
you're still open.

Here you go, Sophie.


Where's the little
Asian woman

that always hands me
my menu?

Asian woman?
You mean Han?


Sophie, Han's a man.

If you say so.

Is there anything special


Here I am...

With treats for my sweet.


Day-glo zebra?

That's my favorite animal.

Oh, and edible underwear!

That's my favorite snack.

Yeah, and they're crotchless,
so less carbs.

Oh, and my favorite
microwavable lube.

And what's this?


Oh, that's going to hurt you,
but okay.

No, I want to leave them
at your house,

now that you and I
are exclusive.


Wait, hold phone.

Are you telling me
that you and I

are not exclusive?


Oh, come on.

Stop it now.
Go on Jay Leno.

Caroline, did you think
Sophie and I were exclusive?

Well, you have stopped
showing us your penis.


If that's not exclusive,
I don't know what is.


Oh, my God.

Oh, come on, stop it,
before I...

Oh. Oh.

It happened.

I split my spanx.

Martha Stewart, please.

It's Michelle Obama.

What's this about?

My sheets shrunk
and I am pissed.


Max, it didn't work
when you were Mick Jagger

with a busted muffin tin,

or Alicia keys
with a wonky shower curtain.

And it really didn't work
when you were

Steve Jobs
back from the dead

with thoughts
on her panini press.

Stop sober dialing
Martha Stewart!

Who says I'm sober?

Max, give me your phone.

* My milkshake

* brings all the boys
to the yard *

Now give me my phone.

Okay, take it, done.
I'm over her.

When is she gonna call me?

My milkshake would totally
bring her to the yard.

Max, this isn't you.

I mean, you're strong.

You're a badass.

You beat H.P.V.
With Tylenol.

And it wasn't even
the name brand.

What's wrong with you?

I was a virgin
before Martha, okay?

No one ever told me I was good
at anything before her.

And you never forget
your first rich white woman.

With or without
Martha Stewart,

we're gonna build
our cupcake business

and be a success,
I just know it.

How do you know that?

I know because
you have the talent,

I have the vision,
and because I feel it.

I feel it here.

Oh, blegh!
Your heart?

No. My pearls...
my lucky pearls.

By lucky,
do you mean ugly?

I've worn these
every day

since I was evicted
from my townhouse.

This pearl necklace
brings me luck.


you think
your life is lucky?

This morning you used toilet
paper as a coffee filter...

And then used it
as toilet paper.

I know this
sounds silly to you,

but there
is something about

putting on these pearls
every day

that makes me feel strong,

and like anything
is possible.

And as long as I have
these lucky...

Oh, no.
Oh, no!

No, no, no,
don't freak out.

Don't freak out.
We'll get them.

My pearls!

My lucky pearls!

Yes, yes, we have
identified the problem.

Just pick them up.

Whoa! Looks like
somebody found breakfast.

No, Chestnut!

I'm still using that.

Well, nothing's
gonna work out now.

Here comes the bad luck.

Don't be ridiculous.

Your luck
couldn't get any worse.


Or could it?

Okay, Earl.

This is the L-520
Order System touch pad.

Look how simple.

I'm telling you,

I can't figure this
tricky little thing out.

it's an on/off button.

Oh, slow down.

It does both?

Let me just charge this up
for you right here.


This thing
has been plugged

more than
the Kardashian sisters.

I better check the old wiring
in diner first.

Max, now I feel like
everyone's staring

at my chest area.

Well, welcome to my life,

every day
since I was nine.

That necklace
meant something special to me.

Didn't you ever
lose anything sentimental

you had for a long time?

My mother, but then
she found her way back.

Look, I am done waiting
for Martha to call.

I say we go down there
with some cupcakes,

remind her how much
she liked them,

and suggest she puts us
on her show.

No, I mean, I can't go
without my pearls.

And it's more
than just the luck.

It's who I was
before I lost everything.

You know how
I always say,

"hi, I'm Caroline Channing,"

and then touch my pearls?

I'm not just
introducing myself.

I'm reminding myself.

Well, let me remind you
of something else.

Yesterday you told me

we were going
to rule the world with cupcakes.

Yeah, that was
the pearls talking.

Okay, well,
now I'm talking.

There is no luck.

There is only work.

And right now,
you're working my last nerve.

So I am going
down there myself.

And if Martha
won't help me,

I'ma bust her kneecaps
with a rolling pin

and then say,
"Now that's a good thing."

Okay, what if we just
send Martha an email,

so we're not just
standing in her office,

begging some receptionist?

- That won't do anything.
- Yes, it will.

I craft amazing
business emails.

I went to Wharton.

Please don't, Max.
That's all I have left.

Max, Caroline,
I found something

at the restaurant
trade show

you might be
interested in.

The only restaurant trade
I'm interested in

is if we can exchange you
for anybody else.

You won't be laughing
in a minute.

Look, it's a cupcake
from the new

cupcake ATM machine.

Sprinkles cupcakes
plans to be put them everywhere.

Soon, everyone will be able
to just push a button,

day or night,
and get the cupcake.

So, I guess
what I'm saying is,

you might be screwed.


And no attitude.

Well, more bad luck.

I thought
you were kidding,

but the machines
are taking over.

We can't compete with that.

The business is done.
Game over.

Man, you are never
gonna make it in the future.

This is where
the humans fight.

This is where we march down
to Martha Stewart

and demand a damn blurb,

so we can compete
with the machines...

Just like in "Terminator 2:
Rise of the desserts."

Let's go see Martha.

She's our only hope.

My lucky necklace is gone.

We can no longer
just wait for magic to happen.

Uh, thank you,
by the way,

for never telling me
that our former plan was magic.

We'll just reintroduce
ourselves and our cupcakes

to Martha and impress her
all over again,

even though I'm wearing
a necklace that I hate.

It's limp, anemic,
and lackluster.

I have an Olsen twin
around my neck.


What are you doing?

So Martha
will recognize me.

Hi, excuse me.
Two questions.

Which floor
is Martha Stewart on?

And should I lose
this necklace?

Well, your silence
speaks volumes.

Hi, I'm not crazy,

so you can just
tell me the floor number.

Elevator right over there,
15th floor,

Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia.

Just got a little damp.

Thanks for your help.
Feels better.

getting necklace advice

from a guy with no neck.

Wait. Is that...

That's the cupcake machine
that Han was talking about.

Ugh, no!

I was hoping
it'd be ugly,

but it's pink
and really cute.

It's like a gay R2-D2.

Well, a gayer R2-D2.

Who wouldn't want
a cupcake from this?

No one.

- We have to mess her up.
- What?

Why are you carrying
spray-paint in your purse?

For the same reason
I carry a tampon.

'Cause you never know.

We are not gonna destroy
someone else's property.

we have to do something,

'cause it's that machine
or us.

Oh, I know.

We can open the little door
and put a poop in it.

Not one of mine.

What am I, a pig?

Well, I'm not doing it.

No, we just get some
puppy poop from the street.


We are not
that desperate.

And I'm out of wetnaps.

No, see, we already
met Martha.

We're just stopping by
to say hi.

You've already
met Martha.

You're just stopping by
to say hi.


Martha Stewart
asked us for our card.

Martha Stewart
asked you for your card.

And where should
I tell Martha

she asked for your card?

In the ladies' room.

Martha Stewart
asked you for your card

- in the ladies' room.
- Okay.

Don't make it sound like that.
It happened.

We cornered her
in the ladies' room and...

Okay, don't make it
sound like that either.

We went to a gala
on the off chance

that she would be
gracious enough

to try one of our cupcakes
and she did.

She was very gracious.

Yeah, maybe cornered
was the wrong word.

It's not like we went there
to hunt her down.

It's not like you went there
to hunt her down.

It's not.

Okay, I hear your tone.

I see what's
going down here.

You think I'm some
kind of a problem.

Well, for the record,
Martha came on to me.

All right. Okay.

This is not going as well
as we had hoped.

Don't know how it could
without my magic pearls.

Okay, look.

I get that you're not
gonna let us up there.

And I don't blame you,
what, with this one

talking about magic.

But just so you know,
we are not lying.

It happened.

And after
we hunted her down...

because, yeah,
you got us on that, we did...

Martha told us

she liked our
entrepreneurial drive.

Well, that does
sound like Martha.

Okay, I'll send these up.
Have a seat.

Ahh, thank you so much.

And here, uh,
please take one,

just so you can
see for yourself

why Martha
asked for our card.

Well, I was gonna
get a cupcake

from that cute machine
downstairs later.

Oh, don't.

I heard someone found
something nasty in that...

In about an hour.


And this is our
beer batter

maple bacon spring break


I can see why Martha...

What the...

I cracked my tooth!


What is that?
Is it...

is that glass?

No, it's a pearl.

I'm so sorry.

You're sorry?

I've been wearing Invisaligns
for 11 months!

Well, there goes
our big break.

Never would've happened
if I had had my necklace.

The one
with the lucky pearls

that broke into the batter
and that woman

just spit into her hand
mixed with saliva and blood?

That lucky necklace?


Might as well face it.

You and I are on our own.

And not just
because of Martha either.

Because there
is no such thing as good luck.

Never seen it.

And all lucky charms
are stupid,

except for the lucky charms,

which are magically delicious.

Look at it over there.

Gay R2-D2
just laughing at us.

You were right, Max.

You and I are
on our own.

We're just a little
start-up cupcake company

in a hard, hard world.

And we gotta take matters
into our own hands.

Cover me.

Wait, wait, no.

No, don't do it now.

- The guard is right there.
- Hey, you!

Stop that!

- What kind of freaks deface a cupcake machine?
- Run, run run!.

Okay, stop, stop, stop.
We lost him.

You know you only
tagged the wall, right?

Yes, I have no luck.

No one has any luck...

With the possible exception
of Lindsay Lohan's lawyer.

Look, it's Martha!

She's getting in that car.
Give me the cupcakes.

I'm going after her
before she talks

to that lady
whose mouth we broke.

Max, don't jiggle
the cupcakes!


Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Max, are you all right?

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

No broken bones,

which is surprising,
because when I was kid,

we couldn't afford milk.

Actually the only time
my mother bought milk

was when my face
was on the side of the carton.

Are you sure
you're all right?


I guess there
is such a thing as luck.

And tomorrow night

when you come in
for takeout, Sophie,

all Max has to do
is hit this little thing.

Well, if I'm allowed
to hit little things,

you're next.

Change makes everyone
so tense.

Kitchen is now closed.

I have plans.

Big plans.

Sophie, I understand

your relationship with Oleg
is complicated,

so let's simplify it.

Are you having sex
in our building tonight,

and do I have
to wear earplugs?

I will be alone...

But wear them anyway.

Hi, um, sorry,
we're closed.

I do not wish to eat.

I just got collect call
from Oleg.

She said we are closed.

And who are you?

I'm the last person
you will see

before you learn
how to walk again.

Stay away from Oleg,

or I'll pull your intestines
out through your nose

and give them to her
to wear as new necklace.


I will leave.

But only because
you have eyes of a python,

and I have possible U.T.I.


Why don't you just admit it,
you and Oleg?


It's not like I want him.

It's just that
where I come from,

you never
throw anything away.

Here you go, ladies.

Enjoy the extra tips
from your credit cards,

because when Han
flips that switch,

the only tip
I can give you is,

don't wash your hair
every day.

It dries it out.

Here comes the future.

One, two...

This old building
sucks me so hard.

Congratulations, ladies.

This is your lucky night.

Speaking of luck,

here are your pearls.

I found most of them,
but I think

Chestnut ate a few.

You can dig for those
later yourself.


And it won't
look the same,

because you have to string them
on this cheap-ass wire

I got at the hipster
bead store...

Beading Off.

We can add this
Earl bonus money

to our cupcake business total.

Yeah, that 150
will really put a dent

in the 250,000 we need.

We'll get there, Max.

Because you and
I have something

Martha Stewart
and machines don't.

Unpaid bills?

Mushrooms growing
on our bathroom rug?

No, each other.

Aww, a year later
you're still

trying to get me
to feel things.

Do you wanna know
the real reason

I thought this necklace
was so lucky?

I was wearing it
the day I met you.

So, I'm gonna
have some extras

do you wanna
make one for yourself?

Nah, I've had
plenty of pearl necklaces,

and I find them
more sticky than lucky.


"Haven't forgotten
about you, girls.

Martha Stewart."

Just when
I thought I was out,

she pulls me
back in again.

Sync & corrections by Alice