2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 16 - And Just Plane Magic - full transcript

Girls, I have made
a big decision.

You're having
a sex change?

I totally support you,
but be careful, Han.

Female to male
is very tricky.

Well, you would know.

Meow!

He must have already
started on the hormones.

Now, here's my big decision.

We're moving from
those icky glass ketchup bottles

to modern, new squeeze bottles.

Wow, that is some fresh,
outside-the-box thinking.

It's like being an intern at
Apple during the summer of '76.

That's right.
Call me "Han Jobs."

Oh, I will only
call you "Han Jobs."

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[Cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

I can't believe
everybody else is gone,

and we're stuck here
doing this.

Eew, this has a really toxic
plastic smell.

Give me that.
[Snorts]

Max, are you huffing
a ketchup bottle?

Mmhmm. I'm hoping
it kills the brain cells

that'll remember I'm stuck

doing ketchups
on a Friday night.

[Snorts]
Max, give it to me!

Whether you believe it or not,
you're above that.

And you know what?
We're above this.

Forget this.
Let's go out.

I mean, I'm newly single,
and you're not picky.

True.

I'm ready to let
my hair down

and have one of those crazy

yet fiscally responsible
kind of nights.

You mean
steal other girls' drinks

when they go to the bathroom?

Seriously, what can you do
in Williamsburg

if you have less than $20?

Hang out on the sidewalk
and look good till you turn 35.

Then turn to your friends
and say, "I have to move home."

Hey, you know what?

The Raveonettes are playing
the Lorimer Lounge.

We got a little tip money
and lot of deez.

So let's just
watch the magic unfold.

I haven't seen
the Raveonettes live

since I saw them in Denmark.

That is crazy
because I first heard of them

when I was dry-humping
a guy named Mark in his den,

so...

Twinsies!

Wow, my life
has really changed.

The last time I was
in an alley behind a club,

I was in an SUV
with one of the Olsen twins.

I still don't know
which one.

Hey, speaking
of the Olsen twins,

I once woke up
next to a garden gnome.

Well, so much
for our plan.

Yes, we've still got "doze,"
but no tickets.

There's gotta be a way
for us to get in.

[Cowbell clattering]

What up, ladies?

Hi. Moo.
Whatever.

You need tickets?

Well, Bessie,
we might be interested.

How much?

You can have 'em for free
if the blonde one milks me.

How bad do you want
those tickets, Caroline?

Ha, not that bad.

Bye. Moo.
Whatever.

[Cowbell clattering]

Sorry, Max,
but I can't come back

from pulling
a strange man's teats.

You think that, and then
you do it, and it's not so bad.

Wow, New York without money
is like no magic.

There's magic all over
the city with or without money.

You just have
to make your own.

By drinking.

Oh. Purse beer.

Sorry there's
no purse nachos.

I ate them all.

Best I can do is, uh,

the cheese dust
down near the birth control.

Okay, this is ratchet.

We're just standing here
like a couple of beckys.

- Where's your magic now?
- Oh, you wanna see magic?

Abracadabra.
[Thud]

Let me in, dumbos.

[Kicking]
Abra-ca-damn-dabra!

You know, I don't know
what that trash bin said to you,

but you make
a cute couple.

I think it'd be
a shame to break up

before you got to see
what your kids would look like.

Well, it's been
a rough couple of years for us,

what with me
considering grad school

and him being a trash can,
but what can I say?

- It's love.
- I understand.

Americans love
their garbage.

How else would you explain

The Real Housewives
of... Everything?

You're welcome
for Euro Disney, by the way.

My name's Graham.
I'm with the band.

Max.
I'm with the blonde.

You two can come
and hang backstage if you like.

Your boyfriend can stay outside
and get trashed.

Hey, ratchet-ass becky,
we're in.

Earl, I'm worried.

I haven't seen Max
since she left

with that guy last night.

I've called her a million times.
She picked up once,

and she was either having sex
or fighting a bear.

Don't you worry.
Max can take care of herself.

I once saw her push a truck
out of her way with her mind.

Hey, everybody.

Hey.
Pardon.

Pardon my appearance,

but I was just in the park

running after the high school
boys' track team.

I told her
it was fine with me.

I know she will never
catch one of them.

Oh, says you.

I'm going to the prom
with Brandon.

Yeah, if his--if his dad
will lend him the car.

Sophie, I always love
when you wear that outfit.

It makes me wanna Xana-do you.

'Sup?

Pip-pip and cheerio.

Max, thank God.
I was so worried.

Wait, why do you look
extra pretty?

Probably the new shades
I didn't pay for.

Or the hours of him
going Downton on my abbey.

Hold up.
No spoilers.

I haven't started
season three yet.

Earl,
you watch that show?

Yes, I do.

I enjoy any show
where the help is white.

So you slept
with that guy?

Oh, I really slept
with that guy.

You go, girl.

Don't stop
till you get enough!

I'm surprised
you spent the night.

Don't you usually leave
before they realize

there's nothing
in their wallet?

Last night you were
complaining about no magic.

Then I woke up this morning
to a view of the park

and hot cinnamon rolls.

Now I'm back at the diner
but full of cinnamon rolls.

Boom. Magic.
Suck it, David Blaine.

Well, at least you had fun.
The only fun I had last night

was when that cow dude
passed out on his feet,

and I tipped him over.

So are you
gonna see him again?

Sunday.

And I realize
you haven't heard these words

since you lost your money,
but you're invited.

So you're asking me
to be the third wheel

on a two-night
one-night stand?

So I guess a private plane
and two tickets

to the Grammys in L.A.
won't do it for you either?

'Cause, bitch, we're invited!

The Grammys?
That's so exciting.

Oh, and my self-esteem
could really use

being mistaken
for Taylor Swift right now.

Which tells you how low
my self-esteem is.

The guy is sending
a private plane for me.

A private plane!

That's how good
I am in bed.

- We're going to the Grammys!
- What is all of the excitement?

Han, we need the weekend off.
We're going to the Grammys.

The Grammys?
On the real-real?

Do you think
you'll meet 2 Chainz?

That's my boi!

No, he can't be your boi,
he's my boi.

2 Chainz is the man.
He sings my anthem.

We represent
the lollipop guild?

I'm talking
about his ode to big booty hos.

Birthday Song is my song.

No,Birthday Song
is my song.

Every morning
in the shower I rap

♪ All I want for my birthday
is a big booty ho ♪

Wow, that actually
makes you look whiter.

I'll give you
the weekend off

if you get him to sign
my concert T-shirt.

Well, we're never gonna
meet him, but done.

All my dreams
are coming true!

This is so exciting.

I am finally going
a plane ride.

Max, you've never been
on a plane?

I've never been
on a plane.

Max, even snakes
have been on a plane.

Good morning, Madame.
Welcome aboard.

It's a lovely day
for a flight, yes?

I am Agnes, and if there is
anything that you need at all,

you can just let me know.
Hmm?

Cool. Cool.

Please don't lag behind.

I just got French bombed, and I
have no idea what she said,

but I think
we should tip her.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe...
[Kisses]

I'm back
on a private plane.

Max, thank you so much for
having sex with that stranger.

Aw,
it was my pleasure.

Literally.
[Both giggle]

Welcome aboard,
I am Agnes.

I can take those for you.

Do you have luggage?

Oh.

[Introduction in French]

[Speaks French]

Oh, thank you.
I'm not Angelina Jolie.

I get that a lot.

You speak French
very well.

[Speaks French]

[Speaks French]

[Speaks French]

[Speaks French]

[Speaks French]

"Le French fry."

[Both laugh]

[French-sounding gibberish]

That's all I know.

And every time
you ice me out with her,

that's what's coming
your way.

Okay, so how does
this work?

Do we need tickets?
Where do I sit?

Because I don't wanna
embarrass myself

in front of French stewart.

Max, there are
no seat assignments.

You can sit anywhere.

Oh, cool.
Like A.A.

I love a G5.

This reminds me so much
of the plane we used to have.

Wait, Max, this plane
looks very familiar.

Max, this was my plane.

Well, it's my plane now.

- Wait, if this was my plane...
- Which it isn't.

There'd be something I hid
down here for an emergency.

Money? Gold?
Kettle corn?

Yep.
My Chanel lip gloss.

Abra-ca-damn-dabra.

You were a billionaire,

and for an emergency,
you hid lip gloss?

Just in case
something went wrong.

I wanted to look good
if I was going down.

You know they don't care
what you look like

as long as you go down.

What the hell
is wrong with me?

I'm glossing
like a rich gal.

This has gotta last me
two years.

Would you like a towel?

How much?

Max, they're free.

Oh, like the doughnuts
at A.A.

Jeez, that's hot!

You should warn a bitch.

So sorry.
It's her first time on a plane.

[Speaks French]

[Speaks French]

[French-sounding gibberish]

Every time.

We only are waiting
for one more passenger,

and then we'll be departing.

Champagne?

Merci beaucoup.

Ooh, the last time
I had champagne

was at a Filipino wedding
I crashed at a Doubletree.

Another passenger?
I wonder who it could be.

Probably my mother.

Every time something great
is about to happen to me,

she shows up
and ruins it.

In 20 hours,
we went from beer in an alley

to Dom on a plane.

That's pretty magical.

Yeah, this could not
get any better.

Max, it did just get better.

That's 2 Chainz.
I can't believe it.

Good morning.
How y'all doing?

Cool. Cool.

All right.

Monsieur Deux Chainz,
good morning.

Coffee, water, champagne?

No, I'm really tired.
I just wanna crash.

Not the plane.

Do you have
any sleepy time tea?

"Sleepy time tea"?

That is so gangster!

[Jet engines start]
Oh, we're moving.

Max, buckle your seat belt.
We're about to take off.

I'm a little scared.

What's it
gonna feel like?

Oh, that's it?
That feels familiar.

Guess I have a private plane
in my nightstand.

I can't believe this.

I'm standing in
a flying living room eating ham.

That's prosciutto
from Italy.

It's ham
from right over there.

And I'm about to go ham
on this ham.

It's been two hours.

When is 2 Chainz gonna wake up?
I want a picture.

You want him
to wake up for a picture?

I'll handle that.

[Chair clatters]

Anything?

Nothing.
Do it again.

[Chair clatters]

Wow, that sleepy time
really knocks you out.

He must have two-bagged it.

He's totally out.
Let's just do it.

Wait, we're just gonna
take his picture,

- nothing else, right?
- Yes.

Okay, 'cause I can see
how these things

can get out of hand.

- Okay, I'm first.
- No, no, no, I'm first.

It's my plane.
Well, actually it's my plane.

Was your plane.
It's mine now.

I had morning sex for it
with a leg cramp.

[Whispers]
Wait, do another, do another.

Good one.

[Gasps and shrieks]

New Facebook default.

In fact, this is my new
default pic for everything

including my tombstone.

Since you did boobs, I'm gonna
put my booty in his face,

'cause all he wants for
his birthday is a big booty ho.

Closer.
I can't get both of you.

Get closer.

I never get tired
of waking up like this.

Oh, Mr. Chainz,
I am so mortified.

I didn't wanna bother you.
I just gonna be cool.

Oh, that ship sailed
with the butt pic

and then crashed
with "Mr. Chainz."

I just wanted a picture
because I am such a huge fan.

And I wanted to wish you luck
tonight at the Grammys

because your music
means a lot to me.

And I totally related
when you said

♪ When I die bury me
inside the Gucci store ♪

- True.
- ♪ When I die

♪ bury me inside
the Louis store ♪

- Unh.
- ♪ All I want for my birthday

both:
♪ is a big booty ho

♪ all I want for my birthday
is a big booty ho ♪

Yeah.

Hey,
what's the party, players?

I heard
"booty" and I heard "ho,"

so I had to do a pop-in.

Always some weird white guy
coming to crash a party.

Chainz.

Stop.
No way.

I can't believe
it's you flying this plane.

Caroline, it's been so long
since I've seen you.

- Bring it in.
- Oh, Max, this is Bill.

- The pilot.
- The pilot?

Why is he walking around?

Brace for crash!
Brace for crash!

It's okay,
it's on autopilot.

Autopilot.
That's how I live my life.

Pilot Bill is
an old pal.

He used to fly my friends
and I around in college.

Yeah, good times.

This is my friend, Max,

and it's her very first time
on an airplane.

Hey, mine too.

J.K.

Listen, Max, why don't you
take a stroll down there

and check out the cockpit?

The cockpit?

If it's anything
like the gay bar

on 14th street,
I'm not dressed right.

[Laughs]
It is so good to see you.

And, God, I'd forgotten
how beautiful you are.

Oh, thank you,
Pilot Bill.

You know, I never thought
I had a chance with you before

because you had so much money
and I was 20 years older,

but now you're broke
and I had a facelift,

so we're kinda
on the same level.

Oh, a facelift?

That's why your face
is so tight and pink?

I thought maybe
you were in a fire.

But you look good.

- Sure, let's go out.
- Great.

I'm gonna grab a coffee.

I'll be right back.

What you doing going out
with a guy like that?

Well, here's the thing, 2.

You don't tell the pilot
flying the plane you're on

that you don't wanna
go out with him.

Got you.

You just keep flirting
with him until we land.

I gotta make it
to the Grammys.

So, Max, you've really
never been on a plane before?

Well, technically
it's my second time

if you count Rock-O-Plane ride
at the carnival.

Guess I was rockin'
that plane too hard,

'cause halfway
through the ride,

my mini-747 fell off its gears,
and I crashed to the ground.

There would have been
a lawsuit,

but the carnie paid me off
with a snow cone,

and also no one cared
about me as a child.

Well, go ahead,
put your hands on the wheel.

- Give it a spin.
- No, I'm good.

Wow, we are
really up there.

I have never been
this high.

And trust me,
I have been high.

Yeah, I hear that.

No one liked to get high
more than me.

I did everything--
pills, weed, coke,

and what's that called when you
crumble the coke on your weed?

Anyway,
I loved to get high.

But that's all
way behind me now.

I've been clean
and sober

ever since that Denzel
Flight movie came out.

It's still
in the theaters.

Yep, saw it last week.

Maybe I will
put my hands on the wheel.

You know, just in case.

[Plane thumps and shakes]
[Alarm beeps]

It's the carnival ride
all over again!

I broke the plane!
I broke the plane!

Okay, everything's
under control.

Just sit down, sit down.
Put your seat belt on.

And, uh, Caroline,
here's my cellular.

Of course, you can always still
get me at my mom's, so--

[Thud]
- Go save the plane!

Yeah. Yeah.

We'll be fine.

I was not meant to die
as the second banana

in a cross-country
booty call.

[Speaks French frantically]

[Speaks French frantically]

What did she say?

I have no idea.

I heard "love" and "why now?"
So just in case.

I should tell you I took
$10 out of the cupcake fund

for a Big Mac
and never told you.

I should tell you I took $100
out of the cupcake fund

to keep my hair
this naturally blonde.

Okay, everybody.
We got a bit of a situation.

Looks like my new girlfriend's
friend broke the plane.

No, I'm just kidding.
We had some engine trouble.

We're going to have to make
an emergency landing in Kansas.

Go, Chiefs!

Hey, blondie.

Why don't you
keep us in the air?

How about you go give
the pilot a little love?

[Hair dryer hums]
Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Well, good news.

We're not stranded here.

I just got off the phone,

and according to my new
boyfriend, Captain facelift,

your new boyfriend, the brit,
is flying us hg tomorrow

on a commercial flight.
Coach.

What?

I don't do coach.

And I am pretty positive
2 Chainz would have taken us

on that other plane they sent if
you hadn't rapped for 30 minutes

in that corn field
after we landed.

I don't care
what you say.

I burned
that corn field up.

Here, let's eat something.

They delivered the food.

Slim Jims, Cheez-its,
Pizza Pringles,

and two ham
and cheese sandwiches.

Ham?
Where's the prosciutto?

There is none.

Mais pourquoi?

Because we're
at a motel in Kansas.

And the lady at the front desk
called me a snob

for ordering
the Pizza Pringles.

I can't believe
I'm not at the Grammys,

and I'm stuck here eating a
lousy vending machine sandwich.

Well, it's better than doing
those ketchups in the diner.

And crash-landing
in a corn field with a rap star

with our heads still attached--
that's pretty magical, right?

Yeah,
and 2 Chainz did say

he enjoyed meeting us and that
we're two fine, big booty hos.

Both:
That's pretty magical.

Han's gonna be so jealous
when he finds out

I met our boy.

Oh, my God, we forgot to get
Han's T-shirt signed.

Or did we?

When you don't have enough money
to fix your own mistakes,

you've gotta make
your own magic.

Max, it's 2 Chainz
with a "z" not an "s."

Damn! The one time
I know how to spell something,

and it comes back
to bite me in the ass.

Ooh, it's starting.

Ready to go
to the Grammys?

Don't get
any ham on the dress.

We have to return these
to get our money back.

You think Beyonce's
saying that right now?

Hey, if we can make
our own magic,

we can make our own Grammys.
Announcer: The Grammys...

[Joan Rivers impression]
Max Black, who are you wearing?

Who are you wearing?
My roommate's rent.

[Both laugh]

You're right,
this is pretty magical.

But wait,
I think it can get better.

Announcer: Beyonce,
Faith Hill, Kelly Clarkson,

Carrie Underwood,
Mumford & Sons, Keith Urban,

The Black Keys, Jack White,

and look who's opening up
the night--

Taylor Swift.
[Bed vibrates]

[Laughs]

See?

Way more magical.

You know, this kind of feels
like the private plane.

Yeah, the one I have
in my nightstand.

Sync & corrections by Alice

[Cash register bell dings]