2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - And Hoarder Culture - full transcript

Caroline and Max are waist-deep in clutter when they clean a hoarder's apartment to make extra money; Max learns that Johnny has been keeping a secret.

Pick up. Table ten, table 12, table 69.

Oleg, there is no table 69.

There could be.

Oleg just sixty-nined me,

and now I don't remember
any of the table numbers.

Look, he's never gonna
stop sixty-nining us.

Forget the table numbers.

Here's how you remember your orders.

You just give people nicknames.

Look, I got thin cee lo,

fat rihanna, jon beret ramsey,

and kristen bad wig.

Oh, okay.

I got seth rogaine,

child molester moustache,

and lesbian justin bieber.

- Good.
- Thanks.

Pick up. Table six.


So can I get you anything else?

Coffee? Dessert? Morning-after pill?


Getting it on in a restaurant.

I once made love to a
young angela lansbury

in a booth just like that.

Murder she wrote?

more like "harder she begged."

Earl, why isn't everyone you?

Yo, what's up, mama?

Oh, hey, johnny.

Usual? Two coffees to go?

Yeah, and can I get
two of your cupcakes?

Which two?

You know which two.

The discounted day-olds?

Yeah, girl.

Hey, my bro and friend.

Hey, what's up, big guy?

Max, your boyfriend is here.

He's not my boyfriend.

He's just another guy
who likes my cupcakes.

'cause who doesn't?

Well, your face gets
red when you see him,

and you suddenly act like nice person.

If that's not love,
I don't know what is.

He doesn't know what love is.

The only thing he ever
loved was a stepladder.

Johnny, here's your stale
cake and burnt coffee.

Just how I like it.
What do I owe you?

It's on me.

You wish it was on you.

There's nothing going on.

He just comes in here to get coffee

because he tags billboards all night.

Methinks the lady
doth protest too much.

Listen, renaissance fair,

why don't you be a good wench
and clean up your counter?

Until the cupcake business takes off,

i'm just gonna have to
find a temp job online.

Can I close this window that says
"mexican painkillers"?

Yeah, yeah, but, uh,
bookmark it first.

Here we are. Craigslist. Okay.

How does this job sound?

Disgusting and depraved.

You didn't even hear it yet.

Did I not hear "craigslist"?

Oh. Here's something easy I could do.

A professional organizer.

You're not a professional organizer.

You're barely a professional waitress.

I am a genius at organizing things

and getting them out of the way.

I recently lost all my money and
the promise of a bright future,

and I've organized that
into a file in my head

labeled "do not open
until you are stronger."

If I can handle that for myself,

I can certainly handle a
stranger's light filing.

If I had known all that craziness

was going on in your head,

I would have ordered you
some mexican pain killers.

Or the peruvian.

They're stronger,

but sometimes they make you
lose control of your hands.

Thought that was an ibuprofen.

What is johnny doing
here at 3:00 a. M.?

Thought it was a rapist or something.

Rapists don't knock and wave.

And if they looked like that,
we wouldn't call them rapists.

We'd call them... Johnny!

What are you doing here?

I'm here to talk to you guys

about the church of latter day saints.

And I have to pee.
Can I use your bathroom?

No problem. Don't forget to
tip the bathroom attendant.

What's up, caroline?

Just trying to find a day job

where I won't get
handcuffed to a radiator.

On craigslist?

This is so romantic.

Jumping over the back wall

to drop down and see you
in the middle of the night?

It's very romeo and juliet.

it is very romeo and juliet.

He has to pee,
and I'm the nearest toilet.

Please. That's just an excuse.

The man defaces buildings. And what?

He draws the line at peeing on them?

He came by here to see you.

Pull your hair back.
It's kind of in your face.

Pull yourself back.
You're kind of in my face.

Thanks, guys.

I was tagging a building nearby,

and while I was on the roof

I saw that your light was on,

so I thought I'd stop in and say hey.

- Hey.
- So, johnny,

you just saw our light
on from the roof nearby?


Do you always look down
when you're up that high?

Not really.


Flying solo tonight.
My lookout guy went into rehab.

It's kind of a pain.

It's really a two-person operation.

Ugh, such a bummer when people

can't handle their heroin.

Hey, max, what are you doing
tomorrow night after work?

Any desire to be my lookout guy?

I might have some desire
to be your lookout guy,

but as far as the "guy"
part of "lookout guy" goes,

full disclosure-

What, you don't have a penis?

Oh, I have one.

In a drawer in my bedroom.

If the cops come tomorrow,

I will run like a girl.

Okay. So pick you up
at the diner at 2:00?

- Cool.
- Cool.


And then romeo left.

So romantic. All the weeks
of flirting and game playing

have finally led to this-

You two on a late-night roof rendezvous.

Hey, genius organizer,

why don't you put all that
garbage in a file labeled

"I've seen too many
katherine heigl movies"?

I'm just saying, he likes you.

He likes you with his penis.

There. 3f.

All right. You're here.

Goodbye. Go organize.

No, I said you have to wait

until I open the door and
check out if it's safe.

It's my day off.
You're the one with the job.

And you're the one who
freaked me out so much

about going into
a stranger's apartment.

What did I say that was so bad?

You told me he'd cut off my face

and wear it as a party hat.

I said... "probably."

Probably cut off your face.

Nothing bad is gonna
happen to you, okay?


It's a safe-enough
looking building, right?


Look, they have those
hallway trash chutes.

That's probably how he'll get
rid of your faceless body!

You're right. I'm fine. Go.

Caroline's second job. So proud.

Call me if you freak out or anything.

How am I gonna call you
without a face?

I'm fine. I'm not gonna call you.

Hello, it's caroline,
the professional organizer.

Someone called for an organizer?


Oh, no. Oh, hell no.

Max, come back!


Hurry up. This is so exciting!

What are you talking about?

I'm not going back in there.

He's a hoarder. A hoarder.

It's a bad reality show.

Hey, that is a great reality show.

but it's not good reality reality.

The only thing I
love more than hoarders

are people who are too
fat to fit through doors.

Tell me the hoarder has
to grease his sides

to get through the door.

You won't have to get
me a birthday present.

Are you kidding me?

They should charge admission for this.

It's hoarders 3d- The experience.

It's like going to an imax.

It's my max!


Save yourself. Go on without me.

Oh, god.

What is that pile over there?

It's hard to tell what is what.

It's either a- An old shag carpet

or a mass grave of dead muppets.

No way. Let's get out of here.

We still have our faces.
Why would we leave?

And besides, you need this money.

Look around.

There might be stuff
here they don't want

that we can sell on ebay.

Look. You know someone's
gonna want a fish tank

full of doll heads.

Yeah, someone with a fish
tank full of doll bodies.

Last year I owned a yacht
named the caroliner,

and now I'm considering
selling doll heads on ebay.

I'll be organizing that
thought in a file in my head

labeled "don't open ever."


There's a heavy clown
presence in this room.

It's unsettling,
and I'm obsessed with it.

I want both more and less of the clowns.

Um, hello? Anyone here?

Oh, hey, i'm over here.

I'm sorry. Where?

By the papers.

Which papers?

The papers near the papers.

Oh, my god. I love this!

Um, hi. Caroline? We spoke yesterday.

There's a lot more to organize here

than you led me to believe on the phone,

so we're gonna have to
renegotiate our price.

It's not that bad.

Not that bad?

I was hired to organized some papers,

not clean up katrina.

What's he look like?

Please tell me he needs to
be buried in a piano box.

I don't know. I can't
see him through the truck.

It's an rv, and it's a collectible.

It's where I keep my raisins.

So how much more, then?

Um, a hundred a day. For both of us.

And we get to keep the horse
head made out of soda cans.

Why would we want that?

We don't. It's for chestnut.

Every horse wants a
friend made out of cans.

You got a deal.

Okay. We'll get to work then.

Okay. Let's not get overwhelmed.

We'll take it one step at a time.

Let's start small.

Happy birthday to me.

Whoo, max. Well, look at you.

Starting the night at
the end of the night.

This is the first time I've seen you

out of the prison uniform.

You look beautiful.

Oh, earl, let's get married.

What are you staring at?
It's just clothes.

Max, you look like a lady.

Tonight when I dream
of having sex with you,

as always, this time I
will ask you to stay.

Max, you look perfect for your date.

- It's not a date.
- It is.

No, it's not.

It's booty call.

There is a fresh, white billboard.

I'm climbing it with my friend,

and we're putting up his artwork.

Booty call on billboard.

If it's after 2:30,

call is for the dirty.

What's that from?

Dr. Seuss' "oh,
the places you'll put it in"?

Okay, boys, break it up.

Go about your business.
Nothing to see.


Max and johnny's first date.
So proud.

It's not a date.

Be home at 11:00... a.m.

Uh, max, you got protection?

No, I've got it.

Me too.

Oh, sorry. That is pack of gum.

Can we take these masks off now?

Whoo. It is hot up in that bunny.

Are we wearing these

so no one'll be able to
pick us out of a lineup?

Yeah, that.

And I always wanted to
see a rat with big boobs.

Well, here he is.

All right. Now for the most
crucial part of the art process,

beer break.

That makes sense.

Been here four minutes.


Ooh. Gentleman.

Look over there.
You can see manhattan.

Oh, yeah.

She's a bitch.

Always shoving her stuff in your face.

You can never have it.


I'd never want to live in manhattan.

- 'Cause you can't afford it?
- Yeah.

She is beautiful, though.

Yeah, she is.

Well, we should get back to work.

Bunny's gotta hop.


How many more times
do you need to hear it?

He didn't kiss me.

Maybe it wasn't the right time.

Overlooking the new york skyline,

a hundred feet in the air,
bathed in moonlight?

Yeah, that's a crappy time.

Maybe he didn't want to make a move

because he doesn't know you like him.

I leaned in. I leaned for a kiss.

Maybe you had a breath situation.

What did you eat? What had you eaten?


Okay, but sometimes when
you don't eat, it's worse,

because you start to
grind up your feelings.

Then you get stomach breath.

I wouldn't kiss ryan gosling
with stomach breath.

- Yes, you would.
- Yes, I would.

I'm finally making
progress on the papers.

Oh, no, fdr died of polio.

Oh, look. They cured polio.

Jackpot. This place is
a freakin' cat factory.

And they're alive. How refreshing.

There's, like, 45 kittens in this box,

and I think one of these
kittens just had kittens.

Kittens having kittens.

Hey, douglas, we found some kittens.

Those are not my kittens.

Okay. What about this mountain
of butterfinger wrappers?

those are my wrappers.

I need those.

I haven't even seen him yet.
I love this show.

Douglas, if you're comfortable

with me selling all this
sort-of-valuable stuff on ebay,

why do you need to keep a box
full of butterfinger wrappers?

I don't want to think about it!

See, max?

This is what happens when you
don't deal with your feelings.

You start collecting
butterfinger wrappers,

and next thing you know you're
an old lady in a rest home,

and you're thinking
"why didn't he kiss me?"

why didn't he kiss me?

I don't know.

Why didn't you kiss him?

You obviously like him, right?

Max, stop hoarding your feelings.

Just admit that you like him.

I like him.

Okay, good.

There's one box of
butterfinger wrappers gone.


Douglas, it's a metaphor.

So next time you see him,
why don't you just kiss him?

I don't know if I can kiss him first.

Just kiss him already!

Wait, there's another person in here?

Butt out, ma.

Those are my kittens, young lady.

Hold up. He's hoarding
another hoarder in here?


I can't believe you put

the platypus foot rest in the trash.

On ebay we could get at least
three to six dollars for it.

I'm gonna tell you this one more time.

It's a opossum, and it died at
least three to six years ago.

Oh, my god. There's johnny.

This is a katherine heigl movie.

What are you guys doing
in this neighborhood?

Oh, hello. Sorry to interrupt you,

but what the hell's going on here?

This is, uh...

I'm cassandra, his girlfriend.

Who are you?

I'm max, and, um,
that's how I say hi to everyone.

I'm incredibly friendly.

She's so friendly.

Here's table ten, earl.

Are you okay, max?

Rumor has it that you
had your heart broken.

I didn't have my heart broken.

And that's why I
don't listen to rumors.

Max, I want to announce
I have ended my bromance

with your boyfriend, johnny.

I hate the player as well as the game.

Never was my boyfriend.

I would like to offer
myself for rebound sex.

Or, if not, I can just
beat the crap out of him.

Caroline, did you
have to tell everyone?

I'm sorry, but I'm not
keeping that up in my head.

I'm not going butterfingers.

I can't believe he has a girlfriend.

Are you happy now?

You got me to admit that I like him,

and then you got me to kiss him.

And then I kissed his
beautiful girlfriend,

who is black and british,

the two cool things I can never be.

I'm sorry, but he led you on.

Oh, did he?

I think you and douglas'
mother led me on.

This is not my fault.

He's the one who's hoarding women.


Yeah, you must be to come back in here.

Can we talk?

Pick up, max.

Table three, table nine.

Table 69.

Not a good time.

- Max, look...
- Johnny, stop.

You don't need to "max, look" me.

It's cool. You never led me on.

You never put your hands on me.

You never even kissed me.


Hey, better make sure he
doesn't have a girlfriend

who's beautiful, black, and british.

Max, look, I wanted to kiss you.

I want to kiss you.

I just didn't want to
be the guy who did it

when he's with someone else.

Look, max, I didn't know you
were gonna come into my life.

I didn't know I was gonna
have these feelings for you,

but all of a sudden it's "max"
all the time in my head.

Cassandra and I have or-or had something,

and there is or was love there,

and-and I don't know
what I'm supposed to do

with all my feelings for you.

Johnny, I just spent two days

wading through someone else's garbage,

and, quite frankly,
I don't have the time or the energy

to go through all the
clowns and candy wrappers

you've got going on up in there.

And the next time you invite someone

to a booty call on a billboard...

It wasn't a booty call.

I think everyone knows

if it's after 2:30,
the call is for the dirty.

And p.s., we've known
each other six months,

and you never told me
you had a girlfriend.

You should have worn the rat mask.

And that's all she wrote.

Silver lining time?

We didn't have to change

douglas and his mother's diapers?

We made $240 for the cupcake business

selling all that crap on ebay.

Yup. I made some money,
and all I lost was my mind.

Want to hear something
you don't want to hear?

I think what johnny said
to you was beautiful.

You think a squirrel holding
an acorn is beautiful.

He didn't touch you or kiss you

because he didn't want
to start a relationship

with you out of a lie.

You know what? You're right.

You've been right all along.

It is like romeo and juliet.

And now I'm gonna go
home and kill myself.

I don't think romance
is in the cards for me.

I give guys blue balls,
not broken hearts.

Oh, my god. Don't kill
yourself yet, juliet.

I definitely think
romance is in your cards.

That's not me.

That's not his girlfriend.

Come on, will you at least
admit that that's you

and that he put it up there
because he wanted you to see it?

And that's actually incredibly romantic.

Oh, yeah. That's the
most romantic picture

of a guy who might be kissing someone

who might look like me,

but he didn't because he has
a hot british girlfriend

who seems like kind of a bitch,

but is kind of cooler
than I will ever be.

I dare you to organize that thought.

There's no one cooler than you.

You're 200 feet tall.

Yeah, and a bird
just took a crap on me.

Come on.

Come on.