2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - And the Disappearing Bed - full transcript

Here you go, Earl.

Table 12 throwing down
a credit card on a patty melt.

They really need
those eight airline miles?

Where they going... New Jersey?

Credit cards are the downfall of America.

Well, credit cards and Kim Kardashian.

I like her big ass
as much as the next man,

but don't go give
the damn butt a franchise.

Max, I can take a lot.

Please keep your sex life to yourself.

I handled it
when I lost my fortune,

and I handled it
when I lost my fortune.

You said that twice.

Because I think it bears repeating.

But this is too much.

That couple that just left...
a $50 check, a $1.47 tip.

47 cents?

Uh, I wasn't even aware they
were still making pennies.

I smiled and bent over
backwards, giving them service...

all for $1.47?

This makes me the lowest-paid
hooker in New York.

All right, give me that check.
I'll handle this.

Hey!

Was something wrong with the service

my girl over here gave you?

No. Tipping's an option.

So is me spitting in your food.

You might want to remember that

the next time you leave
a waitress pennies.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

This was our first
and last date.

Sorry, dude.

Looks like this little tip

just lost you the chance
to give her your little tip.

Max, come in, sit down.

There's something
we have to talk about.

This can't be about my drinking.

I don't have the money
to be a real alcoholic.

Can you sit in that chair, please?

I never sit in that chair.

Well, today we're doing things differently...

breaking our pattern.
- Hold up.

Did you join scientology?

And I went to Starbucks

and got you a coffee
and a vanilla bear claw.

A Bear Claw? Awesome!
I'll sit anywhere you want.

My life is not where I want it to be.

That $1.47 tip
was a wake-up call

reminding me that life
will always undervalue you

if you let it.

Yes, I've been knocked down,

but now it's time to fight back
and grab life by the balls.

I don't know if life likes
having its balls grabbed.

Some guys do, but those
are usually the ones

who want you to spoon them.

I'd like to explain
my vision for our future

by walking you through...

My vision board.

- Oh, no.
- It's a simple tool.

You're a simple tool.

You start with a thin, white board...

Your thin, white, and I'm bored.

Keep going.
I can do this all day.

I have a Bear Claw in me.

I've been making
vision boards for years,

and I always achieve my goals.

And you think
it's that crazy little board

and not your father's billions?

- Max, it works.

You put up pictures
and inspirational words

of things you want in your life.

See? I have success,
a cupcake business,

and a picture
of a beautiful new bed.

Ah, the ones at the Asylum
look different than that,

so don't get attached.

Sleeping on that couch
is holding me back.

I never get
a restful night's sleep,

and I need a good nine hours.

What you need
is a good nine inches.

That should be
on your vision board.

It is... on the back.

Nice.

Now, unless you're willing
to switch the bedroom

every other week...

No, that sounds mormon.

Then I want to install
a murphy bed in here.

The bed folds up against
the wall during the day,

so you'd still maintain
your signature Williamsburg

"I don't care about anything
chic or nice" decor.

Who's going to build it?
'Cause it's not me.

I'm already
being taken advantage of

at my babysitting job.

Peach has me lugging things
back and forth

to help with the twins'
first birthday party.

I've been sorting through
clown resumes for a week.

Peach is throwing a birthday party?

Did you ask her
if we can cater the desserts?

She hires fancy people
with real companies.

We're not a real business.

See? This is what I'm talking about.

You mock the vision board, but look...

here it is, our cupcake shop.

I don't think we can both
fit in there.

Max, you have to start imagining

what our life can be.

You deserve a cupcake shop,
and I deserve a new bed.

All you have to do is dream it.

No, all you have to do is do it.

And for you to build
a Murphy bed,

it'll take a miracle.

So unless you have Jesus
or Jesus

on that board...

Not going to happen.

Who is it?

It's Jesus...

From Williamsburg hardware.

We got your do-it-yourself
Murphy bed.

See how I made that happen?

Vision.

So which one of them
has the nine inches?

Guess what I did today?

Jesus?

What do you think?

I think the bed still isn't built.

No, but it's almost finished.

Look...

Notice anything different
about me?

I have answer.

You had boob job.

Your "b"s
have turned into "c"s,

and for that,
I give you an "a."

No, I had my uniform altered.

Yes, life dealt me a bad uniform,

but with a little vision,

I can shape it
the way it works best for me.

That should be a tip
in your inspirational book,

which I'm guessing is called

cutting pictures
out of magazines

isn't just
for serial killers anymore.

And this is exciting... look.

The other really important thing
I did today...

made us business cards.

Now you can give one to Peach

and throw our hat
into the party ring.

You're her babysitter.
You already have a connection.

Yeah, a connection
to her babies' asses.

See? That's your limited vision.

Plus, Peach is interviewing
this gay guy

who used to work
for Martha Stewart.

I mean, gay, Martha Stewart...
we can't top that.

Just give her the cards.
We have to start somewhere.

See?
"Max's homemade cupcakes."

And look...
"Max Black, owner/baker."

"Owner/baker"?

That's pretty cool.

See? There it is.

It's real.

But the name sucks a big one.

"Homemade"...
it sounds like homeschooled,

like we're churning out
cupcakes

that aren't comfortable
around other people.

Or it sounds delicious.

And the cupcake on the card
has a cherry on it.

My cupcakes
don't have a cherry...

haven't since I was 13.

If you could really get
under his shoulder blades...

that's where he carries
all his stress.

Don't say your real thoughts.

Don't say your real thoughts.

Max, we're using our spa voice today.

Use my spa voice?
Okay.

I can't afford this.

I want you to make sure

the twins drink lots of water after,

you know, to flush out
the toxins.

Toxins?

All they drink is breast milk.

I can't be sure
what the woman I buy that from

puts in her body.

We're all so tense
about the birthday party.

If everything isn't perfect,

how will they live
with the shame?

Um, Peach, um...

Speaking of the... the party,

uh, I-I started this,
um, thing,

and it's probably dumb, but...

I don't need it.
Like, I'm fine.

I don't need it.
It's just more like...

like a... like a...
Favor.

Um, but, uh, the thing is,
there's the cards,

so I was thinking may...
"maybly"...

"maybly"? What's that?
It's not a word, right?

- I was not saying a word.
- I'm sorry.

I'm done with whatever this is
that you're doing.

I have to go meet
the Martha Stewart queen

and hear his party pitch.

Just remember,

at 3:00, the twins
have their spray tans.

Well, that's exactly
how I envisioned that.

Let me see
what you're drawing, Johnny.

A rat with a civil war hat.

Is that your comment on how
politicians view soldiers?

No, it's an actual rat
I saw wearing a hat.

See, when you tend bar
till 4:00 a.m.,

you see a lot of weird stuff.

And when you waitress
till 2:00,

you see a loser
drawing a rat on a napkin.

Now sign it, please.

Hmm.

You realize my art won't be
worth anything till I'm dead?

Why do you think
I keep inviting you here to eat

week after week?

Question...

how does it feel
to be the owner

of an original piece
of napkin art

worth roughly...

Less than the worth
of the napkin?

Well, I got to get
back to work.

All right, bye.

Pick up... table ten.

I watch you over there.

Much sexual tension
with deadbeat bartender.

He's not just a bartender.
He's a street artist.

And all I did was bite
a piece of celery.

When I think of all the times
I asked you to bite my celery...

And nothing.

Okay, my side work's done,
and my tables are all caught up.

So, tell me,
did you give Peach the card?

No, I didn't.

- Why?
- It was like

my mouth wouldn't
let me do it.

That's crazy.

What's so hard
about going up to Peach

and saying,
"good afternoon, Peach."

"Exciting news...
I started a cupcake business."

"Here's our card."

"Please pass them out
to all your friends,

and help us launch our exciting
new business venture."

"Thank you."

That sounds needy,

like when someone asks you
to come to their one-woman show.

"Somebody date-raped me,

and I didn't think
I'd live through it,

but I did,
and now I'm stronger,

and, uh, still needy."

There is nothing needy
about having a quality product

and wanting it out there.

Look at Earl... he has a CD on display.

Yeah, but he's cool about it.

He doesn't get all
late-night infomercial

and shove them
down people's throats.

Earl?

How many CDs have you sold
at the diner?

Well, in this current economy...

It's been pretty light.

- May I?
- Mm-hmm.

Hi.

You guys
look like music lovers.

This is the best saxophone CD
you will ever hear...

recorded by our cashier Earl Samson.

He's played
with all the greats...

Coltrane, Hancock,
even Bacharach.

His music career derailed
due to a heroin addiction,

but now he's clean and sober

and, at 83,
still following his dream.

Only $9.95 a copy.
Who'd like one?

Thank you!

Earl, four CDs.

Is any of that true?

Nope. She even made up
my damn last name.

That girl can sell.

Oh! Max...

Will you come
look at Brangelina?

I think the spray-tan lady
went a little too far.

I wanted them to look tan,
not foreign.

A little lebanese,

but that'll clear up
in a day or two.

I'm having the worst day.

Jessica Seinfeld stole
the Martha Stewart boy.

I am so upset with her.

I thought we were pretending
to be friends.

And now I have no one
to do the desserts.

- Hello, Peach, exciting news...

I have a cupcake business.
They're really good.

Give these to your friends
and help launch

a new business
or whatever.

That's it. I did it.
Boom!

Okay, the bed still isn't built.

But the mattress came,
and it's so good.

Oh, no... this is not okay.

We're not keeping a mattress
on the floor.

We're poor,
not crackheads.

And you tricked me.

I did my part,
so you better get this bed done.

Max, you gave Peach the cards.

I'm so proud of you.
What did she say?

No. Shut it. Do it.

Relax. The bed will be assembled

and hidden in the wall
by the end of the day,

'cause I decided to do

what cute girls
have been doing for centuries.

I asked a guy for help.

You called a guy?

Oh, is he going to climb up
your long blonde hair

and rescue you
from your murphy-bed tower?

Wait.
You don't know any guys.

Who did you invite?

- Johnny.
- No. No, no, no, no.

Eh, I don't want to see Johnny.

I had a weird thing with him
at the diner last night.

I thought you guys were friends.

I don't know what we are.

He was fake interviewing me
with a celery stalk...

'Cause you're both grown-ups.

And when he put it
near my mouth,

I thought he wanted me
to bite it, so I...

- You bit it?
- I bit it!

- That is weird
and humiliating and hot.

Yes, yes, and, yes.
Call him right now!

He can't come over here.
Look around!

I have his napkins
hanging up everywhere.

He'll think I'm dexter.

Don't answer that.

- Don't you...
- Come on in, Johnny.

Yes, I did it.
I need a bed.

You are so selfish!

Yes, I'm selfish,
and you're Dexter.

So, quick... help me take down the napkins.

Oh, god, there are so many!

How come I never noticed
how many there were before?

I don't know.
Same reason you didn't notice

your father stealing
everybody's money.

Really? Really?
Now when I'm helping you?

You're right.
We'll trash you later.

Why don't you just ask him
what the celery moment meant?

I don't want to ask him.

You don't want to ask
anybody anything.

It's not like the business cards.

What am I going to say?

"Good afternoon, Johnny."

"Exciting news... I have started

an oddly sexual
celery-biting business."

Be right there, Johnny!

Yo.

So I brought tools...
per your request...

and beer, I made
an executive decision on.

So that's what you do
with my art.

Just one, and I put it up there.

She doesn't even like it... she's like,

"why would anyone hang up
stupid napkin art?"

Right off my back.

Had a couple of these
on the subway.

So here's the wood.

You can't help her...

she needs to learn a lesson
about doing things for herself.

She thinks we're her daddy,
and we'll go back on our word,

and she'll get a pony.

Well, you can see
why she'd think that.

I'm going to see
if the horse wants a beer.

Hmm, maybe put my glasses on him...

get crazy up in this piece!

When you're out there,
ask him what the celery meant.

Get busy, princess.
Daddy's got company.

Well, little lady,
I reckon a cowboy'd get used to

a pretty sweet setup like this.

It's a hard life
out on the trails.

Yeah, it's hard
for my people, too,

since you stole all our land

and gave us blankets
covered in smallpox.

I do declare,

I'm sorry
for the disease blankets.

But they did
keep you warm, I bet,

until they killed you, that is.

"I do declare" is not cowboy.

That's Southern Belle.

I think you're looking
for "darn tootin'"

or "dag nab it."

Cowboys did not say "dag nab it."

Yeah, they did.

"Someone done gone stole
my horse, dag nab it."

I think you're thinking "doggone it."

No, "dag nab it"... cowboy.

Do you really think you know
cowboy better than me?

Which one of us has a horse?

Which one of us has assless chaps?

Should I go inside
and help Caroline?

No. I'm sure she's doing just fine.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

When you put the sss...

we should get on the horse!

- Okay.
- Yeah!

Use three-inch lag screw

to secure ledger board
to wall studs

"aboot" every 12 inches.

Ooh! Your canadian voice is so dull,

I can't understand
a word you're saying.

There's got to be a video
with a better voice.

"How to build a Murphy bed... Morgan Freeman."

Interesting bit of information about horses...

they hurt your balls.

Yeah, mine hurt, too.

You would think after all these years

of riding a horse,
man would have evolved

to have his balls on top
instead of underneath.

Life would be so much easier.

Well, yeah, but I don't see
a lot of old-timey ladies

wanting to get
with the top balls.

Are you thinking
about the celery?

No, I'm still thinking about my balls.

Now I'm thinking about the celery.

That was weird, right?

Not weird, really... more, um, intense.

Intense good or intense bad?

Intense intense.

Whoo.

Whoa. Oh. Did I just grab your...

yeah, I don't know.
"Maybly."

"Maybly"!
That's not a word, right?

- I should...
- I got to get down.

Me too.

My balls.

So take your makeup brush,

take your mirror,
and you want to comb

your eyebrows upwards.

What are you doing?

Okay, okay.

I thought I typed in "Morgan Freeman."

But I'm so tired,
what came up was "more gay men""

but this damon guy is a genius.

If he had a video
on how to build a Murphy bed,

it'd already be done.

Wait. Where's Johnny?

What happened?
Did you ask him?

No, he left.

Out the back?

Yeah, it got even weirder.

He grabbed my boob.

Or... he didn't grab my...

he grabbed my boob.

I just don't know
whether it was on purpose.

But I asked,
like you told me to,

and now I have
a weird boob moment

to go with my weird
celery moment.

That is very complicated.

But I'm great
with relationship stuff.

So come on over here,
and we'll hammer it all out

while we hammer this all out.

Come on, this is
where you break down

and finally help me
build the bed.

No, this is where I go
to my already-built bed.

And after Peaches today and...

Whatever that was out there
with my boob,

I'm not showing anyone
my cards anymore...

business or personal.

Go in!

Go in! Oh!

What is happening out here?

That's the kind of pounding
that's supposed to happen

after you're in the bed.

I can't do it.

I tried.
I really did, but I can't.

I guess I can't do anything
without my father's money.

You were right.

Trying is embarrassing.

So I'm not going to try
anymore.

I'm sick of it.

I'm going to sleep on that horrible couch

and get bad tips
and cry

every waitress day
for the rest of my life.

Daddy, please.

God, you're a baby.

Okay, I'll help you...
this one time only.

And we're not going
to bond when we do it.

We're not going to high-five
when we finish.

And I don't want to hear
two months from now,

"hey, remember that night
we built the Murphy bed?

That was awesome."
None of that. Got it?

We need the power drill,

1/4-inch bit,
some masonry screws,

and a Bear Claw.

Now delete "eyebrows,"

type in "Murphy bed,"
and let's build this mother.

I can't believe we did it.

Yeah, it looks pretty good.

Oh, Max.

You put the bakery up
on your vision beam.

Say anything more,
and I'll take it down.

Do you know this number?

That's Peach.

- Why would she call you?
- It's about

the cupcake business...
my number's on the card.

Put it on speaker.

Hello?

I found your card
in my baby's room.

I have no idea who you are
or how it got there,

but I'm throwing
a birthday party in a week,

and I thought cupcakes
might be fun.

Oh, they are.

People love cupcakes.

They bring a sense
of whimsy and nostalgia.

That's enough.

Why don't you tell me

some of the other events
you've done?

Oh, well,
we're a start-up company.

Oh, no,
I need a real business.

Bye-bye.

Well, there you go...
complete waste of our time.

See?
Trying is embarrassing.

No. That was great, incredible.

What? She hung up on you.

Yes. But it proves one thing.

The cards... they worked!

This is so inspiring.

First we build a Murphy bed,
next a cupcake business,

then, Max...

Who knows what else?

Uh, adjust the springs?

No, that's perfect.