2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - And the '90s Horse Party - full transcript
Caroline and Max throw a 90's themed party, hoping to raise money.
Hi, it's been 20 minutes.
Have you decided?
Uh, we still need more time,
can you come back?
Sure. And I'm back.
Come on guys you're not buying a house.
Everything sucks.
Pick the thing that sucks the least,
and put it in you mouth.
Max, everyone keeps telling me
they can't decide,
it's like a support group
for bi-sexuals.
Something very magical
about to happen...
Please let it be
the rapture.
I need a day off.
In two minutes,
something very hip is happening.
If you have a camera,
make sure the flash
is on.
Why is he speaking
like that?
Wait a minute.
No one's ordering.
People keep checking the time
on their phones.
Everyone's wearing
matching new balance sneakers.
Flash mob!
# Party rockers
in the house tonight #
# whoo!
Everybody just... #
Oh, hell, no!
Caroline, Earl,
code red!
# Make you lose your mind #
# everybody just
have a good time #
# let's go #
# party rockers in the... #
I couldn't stop disco,
but I'll be damned
if any more of that crap
gets by me.
Why is flash mob over?
Flash mobs were over
a year ago.
Nobody told Han!
I want so bad to be hip.
Start by
never saying that again.
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh #
Hello?
Max, phone!
No!
What are you doing?
Never answer the wall phone!
What? Why?
Only two people
call the wall...
collection agencies
and the landlord, looking
for the original tenant
whose name is on the lease!
- Hang up. Quick!
- Too late.
I've got to man up
and face it.
Hello?
This is what collection agency?
No, my granddaughter Max
is not here.
She died.
On her deathbed,
she said it was the stress
of being constantly harassed
by creditors.
That's juvenile.
Give me the phone.
Hi.
So sorry about that.
What's the issue exactly?
Well, I'm sure
she has every intention...
mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Well, you're a doody head.
Never answer the wall.
But what are you
gonna do about it?
You can't just keep lying
to collection agencies.
You have to pay your bills.
I have a system.
I pay everyone
five dollars a week...
just enough to keep them
from freaking out.
It's the methadone-clinic
banking system.
That is a complete waste
of money.
Five dollars won't even cover
the interest you're accruing.
What's the interest rate
on your credit card?
Don't know,
but my interest rate
in the conversation is zero.
Max, how could you
not know that?
That's one of the first things
my father taught me
about finance.
Where...
at Embezzle U.?
Max, I interned
at Merrill Lynch.
Let me help you with this.
It's the least I can do.
I had nowhere to go.
You took me in.
Let me repay my debt to you
by helping with your debt
to everyone in the world,
apparently.
If you keep talking,
I'm going to
Merrill Lynch myself.
I'm one of those people
who gets off on untangling
big, complicated messes.
And since you won't let me
do your hair,
let me do your bills.
You want to do my bills?
Here's my portfolio.
And, uh, if you find
chocolate sprinkles in there,
they're not chocolate...
Or sprinkles.
Okay.
I've divided your bills
into three categories...
"impossible,"
"next to impossible,"
and "how the hell
did that happen?"
And I've divided my roommate
into three categories...
"annoying,"
"super annoying,"
and "how the hell
did that happen?"
I'm closing kitchen
in ten minutes.
I cannot stay later.
I have date with new woman
in my life.
She's very special to me.
I think she may be the one.
You are both welcome
to come watch us have sex.
Just putting it out there.
Just put it back in there.
I'm so excited, I don't even
know where to start.
Drumroll, please.
No?
Okay.
Oh, interesting.
Here we have a bill
from the pet castle,
yet you don't have a pet, and
you've never been to a castle...
Oh, except white castle.
You used a credit card
at white castle?
Yep.
That was good weed.
And the pet thing was
'cause I found a stray
and had to have her
cleaned up
before I could get anyone
to take her.
That would also explain
the charge for neutering.
Nah, actually,
that was for me.
Can't have any more
of these coming out.
Do you really think
it's fiscally smart
to be taking in strays?
Good point.
Move out tonight.
What is this...
a student loan?
Oh, my God.
Max, you went to college?
That wasn't a judgment.
It was just shocking...
kind of like seeing
a baby smoke on the Internet.
I love that kid.
Max, a student loan is
the worst bill you can ignore.
It can never be expunged.
We're breaking out "expunged"
on a weeknight?
You can't run away
from this bill.
I can run away
from anything.
I'm on my fifth identity.
It's just like that
but underwater!
Guys!
Sorry,
we're just closing, guys.
I'll take them, Max.
We need the...
uh, sit anywhere.
What was that roadrunner move
you just pulled?
There's still a smoke outline
of your body
Hanging in the air
out there.
Did Wile E. Coyote
just come in the diner?
- No, but my ex-boyfriend did.
Meep, meep.
Why is William
in Brooklyn?
Why is William
in this diner?
Why is every inbred rich guy
named William?
I don't want to see him.
Max, close the door.
I don't want him
to come in here.
Yeah, 'cause that happens
all the time.
Customers come
in the front door
and make a beeline
through the kitchen
to see if there's a waitress
hiding in the walk-in freezer.
Okay, what is the deal?
Tell me fast.
I'm nipping
like crazy in here.
Ooh, you're smuggling some
gumdrops there, too, ice queen.
His name is William Van Horn,
and he's...
I am leaving for sex.
Last chance for threesome,
foursome, possibly fivesome,
if her sister's train
gets in on time.
Oleg, please.
I don't have time
to be harassed right now.
Oh, okay.
I'll see you
and the gumdrops tomorrow.
Story. Go.
We met
at our parents' companies'
parent company picnic.
His family is
the Boston Van Horns...
story.
Stop.
Cut to the end.
Do we hate him?
He dumped me
when I lost all my money...
never called me,
not an email, nothing.
Oh, we hate him.
Wait. Which one's your ex...
the Asian one, the black one?
I'm kidding.
No, seriously.
The white one or the really,
really white one?
Really, really white.
Service, service, service,
service, service, serv...
you heard your bro.
Service him.
Oh, crushed!
Hey, you better be careful,
'cause I can give you a run
for your money.
I don't have any money.
Well, with a body like that,
you don't need any.
- Oh! Ba-bam!
Did you actually think
that was a good line,
or is that what you do
so the check gets paid
by Richie Rich?
Hold on.
Who said I was rich?
- Let me see your Hands.
- What...
looking to see if I have
poor-people calluses?
No, I wanted to see
how big your penis is.
With Hands that size,
you better be rich.
Oh! Shazam!
Not cool, bro.
- What's your name?
- Michelle Obama.
We're closed.
I'm William.
Give me your number.
Why? So you can put it
in your phone
and never call or text
or email?
Seriously.
You wouldn't know what to do
with a good girl if you had one.
But you're not a good girl.
That's why I want your number.
So how about it?
We're closed.
- Your sign says
"open till 2:00."
My, my.
How time does fly.
2:00, gentlemen...
nighty night.
What did I ever do to you?
You didn't mention me,
did you?
Ugh, no.
I just gave him...
just get to the end.
Do you hate him?
I hate him.
That was
the weirdest thing,
seeing him come in here.
No, the weirdest thing
is coming in here right now.
Why no?
Girl at urban outfitter said
it was hip.
You look like a lesbian
I made out with once
on a dare.
Han, you're adorable
exactly as you are.
Why are you trying
to be hip?
To meet girls.
Oh!
It's not that bad in here.
I thought my first trip
to a laundromat
would be
a lot more depressing.
Six years
we spent together,
and now he won't even look
at me.
Oh, not the bag.
I just looked at his bag...
now yours?
Max, it's driving me crazy.
What did you major in
in college?
I majored
in changing topics.
So what did you ever see
in your ex,
the lost Winklevoss twin?
We're not talking
about William.
We're talking
about your bills.
Well, I'm talking
about your bill!
Oh, face!
Max...
We're trying to start
a cupcake business.
And I can't believe
I'm about to say this
but with my father's
financial baggage,
you're our best chance
for credit.
Listen, everybody's broke
in their 20s.
And everybody hides
from stuff.
You run into freezers.
I practice ignorance
and blackout drinking.
What's happening right now?
Hola, dudarinos.
The laundromat's
closing early.
We've rented it out
for our '80s pop-up disco party.
Bobby.
- Shouldn't it be called
an "'80s pop-up lame hipster
will do anything
to be ironic and lame" party?
"Lame"?
Don't think so.
What?
Vicki from small wonder
is coming?
Oh!
Embarrassed to be you
right now.
Unless you chicks have
75 disco-lovin' bucks,
be gone in ten minutes,
or my man here
will throw you out.
Don't let his tube top
fool you.
Bobby is mad wiry.
I'm wiry.
Small wonder?
Is that the show on TLC
about the little-people
magicians?
No.
It's an '80s sitcom
about this little girl robot
who lives
with a loving family.
A girl robot?
That's totally unbelievable.
No,
that's totally awesome!
The unbelievable part
is the loving family.
I love Vicki.
She had no
emotions and was empty inside.
My role model! We're staying.
$75?
To do what...
stand here
and dance next to...
Guy-girl and girl-guy
over there?
Come on, Chestnut,
go poo-poo
near the hipsters.
Hey, how cool would it be
if we could get
Chess to go poo
on a hipster?
How can
all of those people
have $75 just to dance
at a laundromat?
I've been doing my roots
with white-out.
Hipsters in Williamsburg
will pay for anything
if it makes them feel like
they're in on something new
no one else knows about.
All you need's a gimmick.
Dudes!
Can we ride your horse?
Sure.
100 bucks.
Okay.
I got to go to the ATM.
Wait. Stay right there.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my God.
Max, we are literally looking
our gift horse in the mouth.
We have something that's better
than an '80s disco party.
We have a horse.
If we throw
a big enough party,
charge hipsters
for horse rides,
we could pay off
your student loan!
You'd whore out Chestnut
like that?
Don't you have to get him
hooked on heroin first?
Max, I've got this.
I'm a brilliant event planner.
My sweet 16
was off the chain...
penthouse party,
pink and black theme.
Alanis Morissette sang songs
from jagged little pill.
On my 16th birthday,
my mom took too many
jagged little pills,
and I had to drive her
to the emergency room
to get her stomach pumped.
Was your childhood based
on the novel Push by Sapphire?
I wish!
The theme is
'90s horse party.
It's exactly the kind
of hip event
you're dying to be a part of.
It would happen
after closing,
so it won't affect business.
And all the horse rides
will take place out back.
So no damage will come
to the diner.
But why would I say yes
to giving up my diner
for no cash return?
You might get laid.
Great!
The '90s horse party
is happening on Thursday.
Fantastic.
Any other questions?
Yes.
What exactly is possibility
of percentage of me...
Getting laid?
All I can say is,
with the cute
'90s-themed-clothing incentive
and the trivia contest,
lots of cute hipster girls
will be here looking to...
Get laid!
I will go now
and start to research
American trivia facts
about the 1990s.
You realize we're gonna have
to give him something...
like flash a little boob,
something.
I feel like Han's
more of an ass man.
Good point... 'cause his head
is right there.
# Creep #
# oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I,
yeah #
# creep,
oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I #
Oleg, what's up?
Not enjoying
the '90s horse party?
I thought you said
"'90s whores party."
Now I'm wearing girdle
and deodorant for no reason.
Quite a turnout, Max.
Reminds me of the after-hours
clubs I used to go to,
you know, if all
the cool cats shooting dope
were replaced by sad,
white fools sipping light beer.
Look!
I did research and make myself
a 1990s trivia t-shirt.
"Talk to the Han."
Get it?
"Talk to the Han!"
That actually is cool.
I am hoping
it will help me...
Get laid?
Care to purchase
a tamagotchi
or a 90210-reo cupcake?
We came here wanting
to hate on you chicks hard.
But that horse you got
out back is mad cool.
You bested us,
party beast.
And to that,
I doff my cap.
- How much are the cupcakes?
- $10 each.
Ooh, I doff my cap again,
milady.
Max, look at all this.
We're a success!
I'll tell you
what's not a success...
the plan to get Han
some action.
Look at him over there.
- That's so sad.
- I know.
Go over there
and give him a "Han" job.
William!
Meep, meep.
You realize this is a freezer,
not a panic room, right?
Just go out there
and tear his smug, white ass
a new one.
I can't face him, Max.
Why? He's the one
who didn't call you.
I can't face him
because I'm a waitress.
Last time he saw me,
I was a billionaire
in a townhouse.
Now I'm a waitress
in a walk-in freezer.
So, when you were laying
around on your trust fund,
doing nothing every day,
having other people
scrub your toilet,
you could hold your head
up high?
But now
that you support yourself
by earning your own money,
that's somehow shameful?
Who cares what he thinks?
He is the guy who just paid $100
to party with a horse.
He's the loser, not you.
Really? 'Cause he's
out there having fun,
and I'm in here,
hugging a tub
of expired blue cheese.
Look...
You see that wad
of cash in your Hand?
You earned that.
Slap that wad in your palm
a few times!
Feel its power.
That's all you got?
Come on,
really squeeze that wad!
Feels good
in your Hands, right?
- Feels pretty good.
- Yeah.
Now slap it and say,
"this is my wad!"
This is my wad.
This is my wad!
This is my wad!
Go out there.
I'm going out there!
As soon as the ladies
calm down.
Are you kidding?
Show him what he's missing.
Let 'em pop, playa!
Where are you,
you rich poseur?
Oh! Uh...
Listen up!
That was meant exclusively
for one specific rich poseur.
All you other rich poseurs,
just continue
with the '90s!
Whoop, whoop!
Where is he?
Do you see him?
Uh, no.
He was right over there.
He's gone.
I don't get to shove this
in his face.
It would've been nice
to put my wad
in his face
for a change.
Oh, speaking of wads,
look over there.
Aw.
He's such a little pimp.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Actually, I am.
I guess I didn't need
to go over there
and make some big,
dramatic speech,
telling him
that even though I'm a waitress,
I'm better than him.
I know that now.
Thank you.
And when I see him
one day in the future,
I'll be happy
to tell him that.
He just came
out of the men's room.
Let's get out of here!
What? I thought
you wanted to talk to him!
I said, "the future."
This is the '90s.
Let's get out of here.
Run!
Feels good running away
from your bill, huh?
So great.
See, that's what
I've been saying.
Well, at least
you don't have to run
from your student loan bill.
We can pay that off and still
have $50 for the cupcake fund.
I hate that college won.
Didn't you get anything
out of it?
You mean, besides mono
and an art teacher
whose idea
of finger-painting
was a little more "finger"
than "painting"?
Art teacher?
Max, was that your major... art?
Keep your eyes on the road.
You're driving.
I just thought
for, like, a second,
I could maybe illustrate
children's books.
Max, that's so sweet.
You're not like Vicki at all.
Max, look.
Han!
Aw, our little
somethin'-somethin'
got him a little
somethin'-somethin'!
I doff my cap, milady!
Have you decided?
Uh, we still need more time,
can you come back?
Sure. And I'm back.
Come on guys you're not buying a house.
Everything sucks.
Pick the thing that sucks the least,
and put it in you mouth.
Max, everyone keeps telling me
they can't decide,
it's like a support group
for bi-sexuals.
Something very magical
about to happen...
Please let it be
the rapture.
I need a day off.
In two minutes,
something very hip is happening.
If you have a camera,
make sure the flash
is on.
Why is he speaking
like that?
Wait a minute.
No one's ordering.
People keep checking the time
on their phones.
Everyone's wearing
matching new balance sneakers.
Flash mob!
# Party rockers
in the house tonight #
# whoo!
Everybody just... #
Oh, hell, no!
Caroline, Earl,
code red!
# Make you lose your mind #
# everybody just
have a good time #
# let's go #
# party rockers in the... #
I couldn't stop disco,
but I'll be damned
if any more of that crap
gets by me.
Why is flash mob over?
Flash mobs were over
a year ago.
Nobody told Han!
I want so bad to be hip.
Start by
never saying that again.
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh #
Hello?
Max, phone!
No!
What are you doing?
Never answer the wall phone!
What? Why?
Only two people
call the wall...
collection agencies
and the landlord, looking
for the original tenant
whose name is on the lease!
- Hang up. Quick!
- Too late.
I've got to man up
and face it.
Hello?
This is what collection agency?
No, my granddaughter Max
is not here.
She died.
On her deathbed,
she said it was the stress
of being constantly harassed
by creditors.
That's juvenile.
Give me the phone.
Hi.
So sorry about that.
What's the issue exactly?
Well, I'm sure
she has every intention...
mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Well, you're a doody head.
Never answer the wall.
But what are you
gonna do about it?
You can't just keep lying
to collection agencies.
You have to pay your bills.
I have a system.
I pay everyone
five dollars a week...
just enough to keep them
from freaking out.
It's the methadone-clinic
banking system.
That is a complete waste
of money.
Five dollars won't even cover
the interest you're accruing.
What's the interest rate
on your credit card?
Don't know,
but my interest rate
in the conversation is zero.
Max, how could you
not know that?
That's one of the first things
my father taught me
about finance.
Where...
at Embezzle U.?
Max, I interned
at Merrill Lynch.
Let me help you with this.
It's the least I can do.
I had nowhere to go.
You took me in.
Let me repay my debt to you
by helping with your debt
to everyone in the world,
apparently.
If you keep talking,
I'm going to
Merrill Lynch myself.
I'm one of those people
who gets off on untangling
big, complicated messes.
And since you won't let me
do your hair,
let me do your bills.
You want to do my bills?
Here's my portfolio.
And, uh, if you find
chocolate sprinkles in there,
they're not chocolate...
Or sprinkles.
Okay.
I've divided your bills
into three categories...
"impossible,"
"next to impossible,"
and "how the hell
did that happen?"
And I've divided my roommate
into three categories...
"annoying,"
"super annoying,"
and "how the hell
did that happen?"
I'm closing kitchen
in ten minutes.
I cannot stay later.
I have date with new woman
in my life.
She's very special to me.
I think she may be the one.
You are both welcome
to come watch us have sex.
Just putting it out there.
Just put it back in there.
I'm so excited, I don't even
know where to start.
Drumroll, please.
No?
Okay.
Oh, interesting.
Here we have a bill
from the pet castle,
yet you don't have a pet, and
you've never been to a castle...
Oh, except white castle.
You used a credit card
at white castle?
Yep.
That was good weed.
And the pet thing was
'cause I found a stray
and had to have her
cleaned up
before I could get anyone
to take her.
That would also explain
the charge for neutering.
Nah, actually,
that was for me.
Can't have any more
of these coming out.
Do you really think
it's fiscally smart
to be taking in strays?
Good point.
Move out tonight.
What is this...
a student loan?
Oh, my God.
Max, you went to college?
That wasn't a judgment.
It was just shocking...
kind of like seeing
a baby smoke on the Internet.
I love that kid.
Max, a student loan is
the worst bill you can ignore.
It can never be expunged.
We're breaking out "expunged"
on a weeknight?
You can't run away
from this bill.
I can run away
from anything.
I'm on my fifth identity.
It's just like that
but underwater!
Guys!
Sorry,
we're just closing, guys.
I'll take them, Max.
We need the...
uh, sit anywhere.
What was that roadrunner move
you just pulled?
There's still a smoke outline
of your body
Hanging in the air
out there.
Did Wile E. Coyote
just come in the diner?
- No, but my ex-boyfriend did.
Meep, meep.
Why is William
in Brooklyn?
Why is William
in this diner?
Why is every inbred rich guy
named William?
I don't want to see him.
Max, close the door.
I don't want him
to come in here.
Yeah, 'cause that happens
all the time.
Customers come
in the front door
and make a beeline
through the kitchen
to see if there's a waitress
hiding in the walk-in freezer.
Okay, what is the deal?
Tell me fast.
I'm nipping
like crazy in here.
Ooh, you're smuggling some
gumdrops there, too, ice queen.
His name is William Van Horn,
and he's...
I am leaving for sex.
Last chance for threesome,
foursome, possibly fivesome,
if her sister's train
gets in on time.
Oleg, please.
I don't have time
to be harassed right now.
Oh, okay.
I'll see you
and the gumdrops tomorrow.
Story. Go.
We met
at our parents' companies'
parent company picnic.
His family is
the Boston Van Horns...
story.
Stop.
Cut to the end.
Do we hate him?
He dumped me
when I lost all my money...
never called me,
not an email, nothing.
Oh, we hate him.
Wait. Which one's your ex...
the Asian one, the black one?
I'm kidding.
No, seriously.
The white one or the really,
really white one?
Really, really white.
Service, service, service,
service, service, serv...
you heard your bro.
Service him.
Oh, crushed!
Hey, you better be careful,
'cause I can give you a run
for your money.
I don't have any money.
Well, with a body like that,
you don't need any.
- Oh! Ba-bam!
Did you actually think
that was a good line,
or is that what you do
so the check gets paid
by Richie Rich?
Hold on.
Who said I was rich?
- Let me see your Hands.
- What...
looking to see if I have
poor-people calluses?
No, I wanted to see
how big your penis is.
With Hands that size,
you better be rich.
Oh! Shazam!
Not cool, bro.
- What's your name?
- Michelle Obama.
We're closed.
I'm William.
Give me your number.
Why? So you can put it
in your phone
and never call or text
or email?
Seriously.
You wouldn't know what to do
with a good girl if you had one.
But you're not a good girl.
That's why I want your number.
So how about it?
We're closed.
- Your sign says
"open till 2:00."
My, my.
How time does fly.
2:00, gentlemen...
nighty night.
What did I ever do to you?
You didn't mention me,
did you?
Ugh, no.
I just gave him...
just get to the end.
Do you hate him?
I hate him.
That was
the weirdest thing,
seeing him come in here.
No, the weirdest thing
is coming in here right now.
Why no?
Girl at urban outfitter said
it was hip.
You look like a lesbian
I made out with once
on a dare.
Han, you're adorable
exactly as you are.
Why are you trying
to be hip?
To meet girls.
Oh!
It's not that bad in here.
I thought my first trip
to a laundromat
would be
a lot more depressing.
Six years
we spent together,
and now he won't even look
at me.
Oh, not the bag.
I just looked at his bag...
now yours?
Max, it's driving me crazy.
What did you major in
in college?
I majored
in changing topics.
So what did you ever see
in your ex,
the lost Winklevoss twin?
We're not talking
about William.
We're talking
about your bills.
Well, I'm talking
about your bill!
Oh, face!
Max...
We're trying to start
a cupcake business.
And I can't believe
I'm about to say this
but with my father's
financial baggage,
you're our best chance
for credit.
Listen, everybody's broke
in their 20s.
And everybody hides
from stuff.
You run into freezers.
I practice ignorance
and blackout drinking.
What's happening right now?
Hola, dudarinos.
The laundromat's
closing early.
We've rented it out
for our '80s pop-up disco party.
Bobby.
- Shouldn't it be called
an "'80s pop-up lame hipster
will do anything
to be ironic and lame" party?
"Lame"?
Don't think so.
What?
Vicki from small wonder
is coming?
Oh!
Embarrassed to be you
right now.
Unless you chicks have
75 disco-lovin' bucks,
be gone in ten minutes,
or my man here
will throw you out.
Don't let his tube top
fool you.
Bobby is mad wiry.
I'm wiry.
Small wonder?
Is that the show on TLC
about the little-people
magicians?
No.
It's an '80s sitcom
about this little girl robot
who lives
with a loving family.
A girl robot?
That's totally unbelievable.
No,
that's totally awesome!
The unbelievable part
is the loving family.
I love Vicki.
She had no
emotions and was empty inside.
My role model! We're staying.
$75?
To do what...
stand here
and dance next to...
Guy-girl and girl-guy
over there?
Come on, Chestnut,
go poo-poo
near the hipsters.
Hey, how cool would it be
if we could get
Chess to go poo
on a hipster?
How can
all of those people
have $75 just to dance
at a laundromat?
I've been doing my roots
with white-out.
Hipsters in Williamsburg
will pay for anything
if it makes them feel like
they're in on something new
no one else knows about.
All you need's a gimmick.
Dudes!
Can we ride your horse?
Sure.
100 bucks.
Okay.
I got to go to the ATM.
Wait. Stay right there.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my God.
Max, we are literally looking
our gift horse in the mouth.
We have something that's better
than an '80s disco party.
We have a horse.
If we throw
a big enough party,
charge hipsters
for horse rides,
we could pay off
your student loan!
You'd whore out Chestnut
like that?
Don't you have to get him
hooked on heroin first?
Max, I've got this.
I'm a brilliant event planner.
My sweet 16
was off the chain...
penthouse party,
pink and black theme.
Alanis Morissette sang songs
from jagged little pill.
On my 16th birthday,
my mom took too many
jagged little pills,
and I had to drive her
to the emergency room
to get her stomach pumped.
Was your childhood based
on the novel Push by Sapphire?
I wish!
The theme is
'90s horse party.
It's exactly the kind
of hip event
you're dying to be a part of.
It would happen
after closing,
so it won't affect business.
And all the horse rides
will take place out back.
So no damage will come
to the diner.
But why would I say yes
to giving up my diner
for no cash return?
You might get laid.
Great!
The '90s horse party
is happening on Thursday.
Fantastic.
Any other questions?
Yes.
What exactly is possibility
of percentage of me...
Getting laid?
All I can say is,
with the cute
'90s-themed-clothing incentive
and the trivia contest,
lots of cute hipster girls
will be here looking to...
Get laid!
I will go now
and start to research
American trivia facts
about the 1990s.
You realize we're gonna have
to give him something...
like flash a little boob,
something.
I feel like Han's
more of an ass man.
Good point... 'cause his head
is right there.
# Creep #
# oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I,
yeah #
# creep,
oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I #
Oleg, what's up?
Not enjoying
the '90s horse party?
I thought you said
"'90s whores party."
Now I'm wearing girdle
and deodorant for no reason.
Quite a turnout, Max.
Reminds me of the after-hours
clubs I used to go to,
you know, if all
the cool cats shooting dope
were replaced by sad,
white fools sipping light beer.
Look!
I did research and make myself
a 1990s trivia t-shirt.
"Talk to the Han."
Get it?
"Talk to the Han!"
That actually is cool.
I am hoping
it will help me...
Get laid?
Care to purchase
a tamagotchi
or a 90210-reo cupcake?
We came here wanting
to hate on you chicks hard.
But that horse you got
out back is mad cool.
You bested us,
party beast.
And to that,
I doff my cap.
- How much are the cupcakes?
- $10 each.
Ooh, I doff my cap again,
milady.
Max, look at all this.
We're a success!
I'll tell you
what's not a success...
the plan to get Han
some action.
Look at him over there.
- That's so sad.
- I know.
Go over there
and give him a "Han" job.
William!
Meep, meep.
You realize this is a freezer,
not a panic room, right?
Just go out there
and tear his smug, white ass
a new one.
I can't face him, Max.
Why? He's the one
who didn't call you.
I can't face him
because I'm a waitress.
Last time he saw me,
I was a billionaire
in a townhouse.
Now I'm a waitress
in a walk-in freezer.
So, when you were laying
around on your trust fund,
doing nothing every day,
having other people
scrub your toilet,
you could hold your head
up high?
But now
that you support yourself
by earning your own money,
that's somehow shameful?
Who cares what he thinks?
He is the guy who just paid $100
to party with a horse.
He's the loser, not you.
Really? 'Cause he's
out there having fun,
and I'm in here,
hugging a tub
of expired blue cheese.
Look...
You see that wad
of cash in your Hand?
You earned that.
Slap that wad in your palm
a few times!
Feel its power.
That's all you got?
Come on,
really squeeze that wad!
Feels good
in your Hands, right?
- Feels pretty good.
- Yeah.
Now slap it and say,
"this is my wad!"
This is my wad.
This is my wad!
This is my wad!
Go out there.
I'm going out there!
As soon as the ladies
calm down.
Are you kidding?
Show him what he's missing.
Let 'em pop, playa!
Where are you,
you rich poseur?
Oh! Uh...
Listen up!
That was meant exclusively
for one specific rich poseur.
All you other rich poseurs,
just continue
with the '90s!
Whoop, whoop!
Where is he?
Do you see him?
Uh, no.
He was right over there.
He's gone.
I don't get to shove this
in his face.
It would've been nice
to put my wad
in his face
for a change.
Oh, speaking of wads,
look over there.
Aw.
He's such a little pimp.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Actually, I am.
I guess I didn't need
to go over there
and make some big,
dramatic speech,
telling him
that even though I'm a waitress,
I'm better than him.
I know that now.
Thank you.
And when I see him
one day in the future,
I'll be happy
to tell him that.
He just came
out of the men's room.
Let's get out of here!
What? I thought
you wanted to talk to him!
I said, "the future."
This is the '90s.
Let's get out of here.
Run!
Feels good running away
from your bill, huh?
So great.
See, that's what
I've been saying.
Well, at least
you don't have to run
from your student loan bill.
We can pay that off and still
have $50 for the cupcake fund.
I hate that college won.
Didn't you get anything
out of it?
You mean, besides mono
and an art teacher
whose idea
of finger-painting
was a little more "finger"
than "painting"?
Art teacher?
Max, was that your major... art?
Keep your eyes on the road.
You're driving.
I just thought
for, like, a second,
I could maybe illustrate
children's books.
Max, that's so sweet.
You're not like Vicki at all.
Max, look.
Han!
Aw, our little
somethin'-somethin'
got him a little
somethin'-somethin'!
I doff my cap, milady!