2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - And Strokes of Goodwill - full transcript

Max introduces Caroline to the art of thrift store shopping, which takes a dangerous turn when a battle erupts over a T-shirt.

Hot food from a hot man.

Max, a woman in my section wants to know

if we do anything gluten-free.
What do I tell her?

Tell her she's not allergic to gluten,
she's just masking an eating disorder.

Look alive, people.
Club sandwich, burger medium,

and a shrimp salad
for the gamblin' man.

I asked for salt and pepper.

I wanted
mayonnaise and mustard.

You forgot my diet soda.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I'll be right back with--

Oh, what?

Never doubt me.

Here's my last check, Earl.

Look here, Max. That lady
just slipped me her number.

Like I need another
menopausal white woman

scratchin' at my window
like a cat in heat.

God, I love money.

I know, I'm so sorry
it broke up with you.

Look! This week's new iPad
just came out.

Spread the words.

Word.

Word!

I saw that on The Wire.

Max, three weeks in a row

you have not yet accepted my
request to be a Facebook friend.

Max?
I am talking to you.

Oh, I didn't hear you,
I have my earbuds in.

What are these?

Okay, you had to bust a move,
and get "the truth" on my ass?

Fine, let's go there.
Han,

I'm never gonna be
your Facebook friend.

Oof!
Hard to hear.

Well, I accepted you, Han.

Yes, thank you.
You make my heart sing.

Oof.
Hurt me still.

That was like watching someone
club a baby seal.

Why wouldn't you just say yes
to his friend request?

Because I never
check Facebook, why would I?

So some girl I worked
at a movie theater with in 2005

can tell me it's raining
and she's "totes bummed?"

Caroline!
Better check Facebook page.

Maybe someone
just post on your wall.

"Han Lee has tagged you
in 25 photos?"

Want to borrow
my seal club yet?

Oh, that stings. I've lost
like 300 Facebook friends

since my father was arrested.

Well, your father's probably

made that many new friends
in prison,

so it all evens out.

Okay, ready to go?

Do we have to?

It's so hot outside.
When did heat get so hot?

Stop fighting it,
just give in to it.

I don't know why
I'm quoting a rapist.

Can't we just stay
a little bit longer?

We don't have
any A.C. at home.

I have an A.C.
you girls can use.

You have an air conditioner
that works?

Oh, it works.

That's like an A.C. that just had salami.

There's more salami
where that came from.

And my feet hurt.

Well, you gotta stop
wearing those stilts,

and get a pair of Skechers, like
normal broke-ass waitresses.

Skechers?
How dare you.

Besides,
I can't afford new shoes.

These cost $900.

Well, then that's not pain,
that's karma.

Look,
I will help you out, okay?

I know a place we can go

that has designer things
at good prices.

Like a Barney's warehouse?

Kind of.

The Goodwill?

Welcome to my place!

We're shopping at the Goodwill?

You led me to believe
we were real-shopping.

I know.

I couldn't wait to see your face
when you saw this place.

Do the face again.

I love it!

Okay, what's that smell?

It's gonna be your smell
from now on.

Now, pay attention,
I know where the good stuff is.

I know where the good stuff is.

Madison and 57th.

Follow me.

Clever bitches hide stuff
they want to come back and buy,

'cause sometimes they don't have
$3 to buy it at the time.

Who doesn't have $3?

You.

Last week
I hid a dope vintage blazer

in the back of a nightstand,
and here it is!

Six bucks, clever bitch.
Bang, bang!

All right, well, we're here.
I'm gonna make the best of it,

but first I need a basket
without a sno-cone in it.

Hey, Trish.

Not for day-to-day,
but at the country club.

You're kidding,
but you're right.

Hey, when you find something,
check the pockets for pills.

At a thrift store downtown
I found a purple one once,

and took it.
Fell asleep for eight hours.

That was my vacation that year.

Yay, shoes!

Oh, I can't believe I just said,
"yay," in Goodwill.

Look, don't freak.
Shoes can be funky,

but I have a special spray at
home that makes them like new.

Did you get it from a wizard?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
these Brian Atwoods were mine.

I donated these to charity,

'cause I was photographed
wearing them twice.

Okay, they were $800
when I bought them,

now they're $8?

Like me. I'm $8.

Oh, my God.

I'm $8.

I've been reduced.

I'm sorry, it just
all became so real to me.

I mean, I can't believe it.

Um, didn't you see me crying?

Lots of people cry at Goodwill.

You go to France,
you eat snails.

You come here, you cry.

That's odd,
you didn't even react.

You need to react
when people cry.

I did, I rolled my eyes.

Look, eventually, you'll learn
to do that on the inside.

Okay, well, just FYI,

when I used to cry in front of
my other girlfriends,

they'd be like,
"What you cryin' about, C-line?

"Look at you, girl,
you're fierce,

you got your glam on."

Are your girlfriends
black drag queens?

Oh, awesome strokes tee.

I went to this concert,
but I couldn't afford the shirt.

Oh, we're done with me.

I went to see them on this tour

the summer after my junior year.
It was a really warm night,

and I snuck out of the house,
and we all ma--

Ahem.
Whatever.

And what?

What, did something great happen
the night you got the t?

Look at me, does it look like
something great ever happens?

Hey, cute tee.

Had my eye on it.

I was just
bringin' my girl back to see it.

She was in the bathroom.

I had to throw up.

So hand it over.

You know the rule.

Turn the back on the rack,
you're under attack.

That's not me,
that's the law of the 'Will.

Yeah,
you better walk away.

That was intense.

Ah, just another Wednesday
at the 'Will.

You said to look in things,
right?

Max, look.
On my first try!

Ooh, slick. Whoever
hid those is gonna be pissed.

Quality check.

Fabric sturdy,
no mysterious crotch stains,

nice work, Nancy Drew.

And look, they're designer.

Summer 2009. $350.

And for me today...

$5.
That's a reduction I like.

$5!
Oh!

$5, $5, $5, $5...

$5, $5...

Hi, Maria.

How are you, Max?

I'm good, how's your mom doin'?

Good. She really appreciated
the cupcakes you made her.

Hi, Maria, I'm Caroline,
Max's friend.

Any way we can get
the price down a bit for these?

I think $8 is steep,
considering their condition.

I happen to know
the heel has been replaced.

I cannot believe
you're trying to shoe her down.

I can do $6.

Deal.

Oh, you happy?

You haggled a charity.

You're turning Goodwill
into bad will.

My t-shirt's gone.

It's not here.

I bet it was that
Puerto Rican girl,

who was--
who was eyeing it.

Maria, can we call security?

I'm sure one of the cameras
must have captured the theft.

Cameras? What do you think
this is, target?

It's gone, Caroline.

She must have stolen it

while I was watching you
do your stupid $5 dance.

I didn't turn my back on
the rack, why am I under attack?

See, this is why I shop alone,
this is why I eat alone,

this is why I'm leaving alone.

Maria, I'll pay for these.

You don't have to box them,
you can just use tissue paper.

Even as I'm saying this,
I know it's not gonna happen.

Chestnut...

Hot as a mother, right?

Better, right?

# It's gettin' hot in here #

# so hot! #

# so take off all your clothes #

# I am gettin' so hot #

# I'm gonna take
my clothes off #

You might want to
keep your voice down.

This building has
three registered sex offenders.

# It's gettin' hot in here #

# so leave all that strokes
tee shirt drama behind #

Come on, it's our night off.

Let's go get drunk
in air conditioning.

We won't even
have to pay for drinks.

These "shotes"
is gonna pay for our drinks.

You are literally
a $5 whore right now.

Come on.

Hey, Johnny.

I thought I told you

to keep your dumb, tragic ass
out of here.

The only thing that
isn't tragic about me is my ass.

And who's
the blonde, bony skank?

Oh, dude, she's not in on this.

Oh, I'm so sorry, miss.

Hey, I'm Johnny,
I'm Max's friend.

I'm Caroline.
I'm freaked out.

This is something we do.

- To remind us of our families.
- Mm-hmm.

Excuse me for a second.
These guys tip more

if I high-five 'em
when we talk about chicks.

Vagina!

Yeah!

Wow. Girl,
your bartender friend is cute.

Look at those arms.
Nice guns.

He's not just a bartender,
this dude is legit.

He's a street artist,
goes by "Jpeg."

Hmm.
Well, right now

he's cutting up limes
and cleaning glasses.

Well, you're an heiress

who's slinging burnt hash
and stale toast.

Touche.

Douch-ay.

These are from the gentleman
with a sweet note,

"Nice ass, nice rack."

Whoo!

Hoo.

If that's your tequila noise,

God knows
what your orgasm sounds like.

Same face, no sound.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe it,
it's the girl from the 'Will.

I got your back, gir-r-r.

What is she doin'?

She thinks Goodwill
has made her tough.

Um, hi.
How are you?

I just wanted to talk to you

about that shirt
at the Goodwill.

See, my friend really wanted it,
and, well, your friend has it.

What are you sayin', bitch?

Okay, I think we might have
got off on the wrong foot.

Do you want to feel my foot,
bitch?

Well, I guess we know
what your favorite word is.

Ow!

Those are not extensions,
bitch!

Oh!

I should break this up,
I should break this up.

No, no, no, give her like four
seconds to learn her lesson.

Oh, okay, ow!
All right. All right!

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Ow! Oh, oh.

Okay, come on, come on.

- Oh!
- It's okay.

Those are not extensions,
bitch!

Are you still laughing,
'cause it wasn't funny.

It was so funny.
It was like looney tunes funny.

It was like Bugs Bunny
getting shot in the face funny.

Only in your version,

Bugs Bunny tries to have
a dialogue with the shotgun.

I was trying

to get your t-shirt back.

I wanted you to have it,

because you lit up at the 'Will
when you saw it.

I do not light up, okay?

There's no light inside me.

What you're seeing
is probably radiation

from the summer
I collected uranium tubes

by the train tracks.
That was good money.

Thanks for looking out for me,
Caroline.

You're welcome, Max.

It's a t-shirt,
it's gone.

I don't get attached to things.

Ow. My nail practically
got torn off back there

by "Cat Von D-Minus."

I'm gonna have to
sleep with it elevated.

Is there a nail place
around here?

Well, this is New York,

so there's probably
gonna be one right...

here.
Love when that happens.

Look, a two-for-one
girlfriend special. Genius.

Go with me tomorrow before work,
it'll be cheaper if we both go.

I really need one.

Plus, you need one, too.

Well, I can't. I have my own
day of luxury already booked.

I'm doing a laundry, and then
the tasting menu at Wendy's.

Come on. You and me, nails,
and air conditioning.

It'll be fun.

You're doin' it,
gir-r-rl.

Me and my friends
used to love getting manicures.

'Cause they're black drag queens?

# Ai-ee ai-ee #

# ai-ee ai-ee #

Oh.

Hey, dude.

It's about that time?

Let me get the pooper scooper.

All right.
Let's do this.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Let me ask you something.
How is it that you,

a horse, and Caroline
are both living with me,

and you're
less of a problem for me?

I mean, you tell me,
you've known her longer.

She picks a fight
with a tatted-out white chick

from the Bronx?
What is up with that?

I don't know, man,
I'm just used to it.

That's what you'd sound like,
if you talked.

I agree with you,
by the way.

Everything you say is right,
Max.

Thank you, Chestnut.

You should kill her.

Chestnut!
I can't do that.

It'll be easy.
We could kill her and eat her.

Chestnut!

All right, buddy,
here's your spot.

Come on, do your business.

Come on, Ches.

Buh-buh-buh buh-buh.

Buh-buh-buh buh-boo.
Come on.

Come on!

Come on, Chestnut,
I got a lot of crap to do today.

And so do you.

Jeez, don't be shy, buddy...

I hope you're happy. I look
like a Cambodian stripper.

Um, they prefer to be called
"ping pong ball artists."

These cost $70.43.

She forced me to get tips,
and then tip her for the tips.

See, and all because
you never showed up,

I didn't get
the two-for-one discount,

because I was waiting alone,
for you.

Max, I have really tried
to be girlfriends with you,

but you obviously
have some issues.

Follow me to the walk-in.

Good, let's get it out.

Here.

I thought we were gonna talk.

No, we just didn't have
any chocolate cream in the case.

Why didn't you show up?

You told me
you were gonna be there.

Well,
I had a lot of crap to do.

Well, you gave me
the impression you were going.

I gave you the impression?
I don't do impressions.

Well, wait, that's not true,
I do one, my mom.

But to do that.
I need a Christmas tree,

a gallon of vodka,
and a lit cigarette.

So are we
gonna be girlfriends or not?

Look, I'm gonna
give this to you straight up.

I am never gonna be the type
of girlfriend you're used to.

I am not your gir-r-r,
or your gir-r-rl,

and I am definitely not

someone's two-for-one girlfriend
crap at a nail store.

In fact, think of me as a dude.

So-o-o,
are we good?

Yeah. We good.

I get it.
You're not a girl's girl.

Okay, good.

I can be a girl's girl.

Oh, Caroline,

please do not take
advantage of me with your horse.

What?

My trash pick up company
charged me extra,

because my dumpster is full
of all your horse droppings.

How would that be possible?

I see your good friend, Max,
walking your horse every morning

and dropping droppings
in my dumpster.

Hi.

Hello.

Did you walk my horse today?

Yeah, and every other morning.

That's so sweet.
I wish I had known.

Well, what was I gonna do,
post it on your Facebook wall?

"Ha, walked a horse again today.
Totes gross."

Besides, who did you think
was doing it?

I've always just
had things done for me,

I've never really thought about
the people doing them.

Yeah, and I've never had
things done for me,

so I just do them.

Like now,
how I'm making the coffee,

and you're just standing here
watching me.

Still,
I wish you would have told me,

so I could say thank you.

Well, it's not really my style.

You are one complicated dude.

Pick up, borscht.

- Unbelievable.
- What?

Hey.
How you guys doin'?

Cute strokes tee.

Probably look better on me,
considering it's mine.

You snooze, you lose, puta.

Nice language!

You kiss your obviously closeted
boyfriend with that mouth?

You know what?
I wouldn't even want it now.

Now that it's been on you,

might as well have been
a Kenny G shirt.

And now I walk.

You can't just let her win.

Oh, forget it, it's over.

Borscht!
Pick up, pick up.

Hi, I'll be right with you.

Oh!

- Idiota!
- Oh.

Esta camiseta
me costo cuatro dolares!

Te voy a cortar.

Lo siento.
Todo es mi culpa.

I'm still a little clumsy,
it's my first week.

I'll bring you some soda water,
but seriously,

your boyfriend will come out
before that borscht stain does.

That was awesome.

Yeah.
I kinda just do stuff.

Like I just did, while you were
standing there watching me.

Thanks, gir-r-rlfriend.

Oh.

What, is she coming for me?

Run.