2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - And the Break-Up Scene - full transcript

Hi, ready to order?

Do you have anything
that's really special?

Not according to my
high school guidance counselor.

I'll have the veggie plate.

But instead of beets,
I want kale.

And instead of broccoli,
more kale.

I want the veggies steamed.

And instead of dressing,
I want lemons.

Don't you need
to write this down?

I'm afraid if I start
writing that down,

it'll turn into a suicide note.

I'm assuming
this table's gonna have

a lot more of those requests.

Yes, I could tell by the hats.

Earl, I have something new
I want you to try.

That's the exact same sentence

that got me hooked
on cocaine in the '80s.

It's my new cupcake flavor.

Delicious dark chocolate
the ladies can't help but love.

I'm calling it
"The Earl."

I know you got that right.

Hi, I'm here.

I was running late
so I decided to hail a cab.

And then I remembered I didn't
have any money on me.

And then I remembered
I didn't have any money at all.

So I walked the whole way here.

The apartment's
three blocks away.

Yes, I know.

Three blocks
and 15 "Hola chicas" away.

Well, you can't be late again.

I'm already worried
about me being late...

every month.

On my way here, a homeless man
asked me for money.

And I told him
that I usually always give,

but that my father was indicted
in a Ponzi scandal

and I've lost my family fortune
and my Manhattan townhouse,

so I've been sleeping
on a couch in Brooklyn,

but, in spite of it all,
I'm still optimistic

that you and I
will achieve success

in our exciting new cupcake
business venture.

And look what he gave me!

You took money
from a homeless man?

I prefer to think
of Bob near the bridge

as our first investor.

Pickup!
Special sandwich.

I can think
of even more special sandwich.

You, me
and the hot blonde giraffe.

Well, she recently
lost her dignity,

so you might have a shot.

Hello today!

I have nametag for you.

Only your second day
and look, nametag already.

As new owner, I am killing it.

Thank you.

Oh, it says "Carolin."

It's Caroline.
With an "E."

I'm Caroline.

As new owner, I am sucking it.

Just put it on.

You can't tell an Asian
he made a mistake.

He'll go in the back
and throw himself on a sword.

Thank you,
Mr. Lee.

You may call me Han.

H-a-n.

No trap in my name.

I'm thinking we should take

the first step
in our new cupcake business

by writing
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes"

up on the specials board.

No, I can't have
my name up there.

Everyone I owe money to
thinks I live in Seattle.

Oh, we used to own Seattle.

Max, we've got to get
the name out there.

Create a buzz.

Ooh, good idea!

Let's create a buzz.

Exactly,
in order to launch--

I'm mocking you.

When in doubt,
I'm always mocking you.

Seriously, Max.

This new cupcake business
is our lifeline.

A way out for both of us.

And I wanna thank you again
for letting me move in.

If there's anything
I can do to help you--

You mean besides
starting to wait on tables?

I meant, anything I can do

to help you through
your breakup with Robbie.

Oh. Thanks,
but I'm fine.

And we're working.

Well, one of us is.

Are you sure you're fine?

'Cause I heard you
crying last night.

I don't cry.

I sold my tear ducts to an organ
bank for cash two years ago.

I was on the couch.

And I heard you crying alone
in your bedroom.

Really?
What did the crying sound like?

Like...

I wasn't crying.

Well, then what
were you d--

Oh! So none of
my business.

That's right.
And remember that.

Got it.

In fact, let's just say
that anything having to do

with my bedroom, my tables,
or my life--

you should stay away from.

Boundaries.
Got it.

And please
don't tell anyone at work

I let you move
into my apartment.

That is one boundary
we both don't want crossed.

Why?

Hey, roomies.

That's why.

Hope those sheets are okay.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I know they're the best
you could afford.

Not really.
The good ones are on my bed.

Max, that oven is so hot.

Could you do me a favor
and open the back door?

We've known each other two days

and you're already
asking for back door?

Dear God!

I forgot
you're Equestrian Barbie.

You came with a horse.

No.

Out, horse, bad!
Bad horse.

Chestnut.

No need to yell,
he's a champion.

Champion stink bomb.

It's smelling pretty ripe
out in that yard.

That's not Chestnut,
that's Brooklyn.

Okay, well, I'm watching
"The Champion"

drop some steaming hot
"Brooklyn" right now.

Max, I've been thinking about
how you completely overreacted

to your name
up on the specials board.

Do you think it's
a fear of success?

I am too poor
to have a fear of success.

At Wharton Business School,
we learned

that every new venture can bring
up a certain amount of fear.

Is there any way
to do a yelp review

of Wharton Business School?

Maybe you're having
a hard time imagining

this cupcake business
could ever even happen

because nobody ever believed
in you or your dreams.

I'm guessing.

I can make this happen, Max.

For me, for you, for us.

Just keep making
those amazing cupcakes.

And I'll do the rest
till you believe.

I believe
everything you just said

and that children
are the future.

Max, it's me!

I know it's you.

You sleep with a knife
under your pillow?

It's the only home security
system I can afford.

And I'm a cutter.

I can't sleep on that couch.

I think Ikea might be the
Scandinavian word for sciatica.

And there's weird sounds
in the street.

And I don't have
my white noise machine.

Well, that's
Puerto Rican noise.

You'll get used to it.

Can I just lay down here
and get a little sleep?

I don't even let the men
I sleep with sleep with me.

I can't get into
your issues right now.

I just need to sleep!

Fine, get in then.

What is that?

Potato chips.
I sleep-eat.

Cool ranch and bacon?

Dude, they're delicious.

Because of your breakup
with Robbie?

Just get in.

I have to be in the city
to babysit in five hours.

Oh, great,
you're like a nightlight.

You're so blonde.

Thank you.

Max, someone's
in the living room.

Max, someone's in the bedroom!

Robbie!

What's up, babe?

Robbie, what are you
doing here?

We broke up.

Still?

Yes, still.
You hit on me.

And then she caught you
with someone else

in these very sheets.

Which I'm hoping she washed.

Oh, I get it.

You blew me off
'cause you like the ladies.

Which is cool.
I like the ladies, too.

And right now,
it's the two ladies I like.

Robbie, if I were
gonna go lesbian,

she would be the last "les"
I'd "bian."

Listen, babe--

You really hurt her.

Stop.

She sleep-eats trans fats
thanks to you.

Here, stuff all of these
in your mouth.

Got it, your thing.
I'll be quiet.

Robbie, this isn't cool at all.

Mm-mm.

Showing up here
after what you did?

You go, girl.

I have something to say to you
and you had better listen.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.

What are you,
the relationship ghost?

Robbie, just go!

I can't say what I need to in
front of the relationship ghost.

I'll call you
to come get your stuff

and we can talk then.

Leave the key.

Straight up, Max,
you're breaking my heart.

You're the only woman
that I feel this way about.

Here.

Ladies, I don't know
what's going on here,

but it would've been
a lot sexier if I was in it.

Are you okay?

If you wanna talk, I'm here.

Can I get a hit off that?

You think these are good?

God, we're poor.

Morning!

It's a beautiful day.

These shades belong down.

From now on, think of me
as a vampire

without all
the annoying marketing.

Bad news.

A pipe broke in the street
so the water's off.

Good news, when I went out
to get us two coffees,

I spoke to Juan and Javier,
two city workers.

And they assured me the water'll
be on no later than 3:00.

I also stopped
at the health food store

and got us
a fresh-squeezed juice to split.

It's ginger-apple-strawberry.

That was the name of the hooker

who had this apartment
before me.

What is this?

From me.

It says "Thanks for letting me
sleep in your bed last night."

I prefer my usual cash
on the bedside table.

When I went
to the cute coffee place,

I spoke to the counter girl,
Nabulangi--

If someone named Nabulangi
is making an appearance

in the first sentence,
I have to sit down.

And she said
her manager'll be in at 11:00.

So I thought I'd chanel it up,

walk on over there,

introduce myself
and your fabulous cupcakes.

That's exactly what
I was gonna do.

I'm just gonna go say good-bye
to Chestnut and get going.

You know, having
only one cute outfit

takes hours off
getting dressed.

Oh. That is a lot
of fresh Brooklyn.

Morning, Chestnut.

It's a beautiful--

No. Way.

Look, Chanel Number Two.

Tell me it's mud.

T-tell me it's mud.

It's mud?

What is that?

A carrot?

There's carrots in the mud?

There's no water.

Oh, get it off me, please.

Please do something.

Just get it off me,
get it off me.

Stop!

This is dry-clean only.

Max, please, please take me

somewhere they have
a hot shower, I beg of you.

Calm down, it's just mud.

Max, please--

Don't touch me!

Thank you so much
for taking me to shower

at your babysitting job.

Well, I didn't have
much of a choice.

You pulled the pillow knife
on me.

I'll just introduce myself
to your boss

and tell her what happened.

Look, I don't want Peach
to know you were here.

This is a job.
Not a meet-and-greet.

Got it.

You get in there, you
take a five-minute shower,

clean it up and go.

Fine, I'll hide in the hallway
till she's gone.

No need, just follow me in.
She never really looks at me.

Morning!

Hi, Max.

Go!

Hey, Peach.

Uh, hair and makeup.

What's the big occasion?

Pilates.

Max, good news.

They found a way
to make diamonds more sparkly?

I got Brad and Angelina
a playdate

with another set of twins
in the building.

It starts in five minutes.

Cool, what are their names?

6B.

Bye-bye,
Brangelina.

Mommy loves you.

Guys?
Before you leave,

stop at this one.

Angelina could
use a little help.

Contour that neck,
she's a fatty.

Peach, come on,
that's baby fat.

Still, kids can be cruel.

Don't you listen
to your mommy, Angelina.

She never eats.

Oh, no, she doesn't.

Here it is.

Caroline with an "E."

I have your new
and correct nametag.

Oh, thank you, Han.

Oh.

I've seen something
I should not have.

I will just put correct nametag
here on counter.

So sorry, but many thank yous.

What are you doing?

I know you said
you don't want it up there.

But now that you see it...

How does it feel?

It feels like
you're not listening to me

at this job or at my other job.

I said a five-minute shower
and get out.

Did you take a nap at Peach's?

The thread count
was calling to me.

Peach found blonde hairs
in her bed

and thought her husband
was cheating on her.

Which he is,
but that's not the point.

You almost ruined
a perfectly happy fake marriage,

and there are
innocent children involved.

Well, I have some good news.

Look, it's Nabulangi.

I invited her in
to taste your amazing cupcakes.

And when she loves them,
we'll have an in at her bakery.

Come over and say hello.

No, I can't now. I wanna call
Robbie before we get too busy.

Tell him when to come over
and get his stuff.

Max, wait.

No, don't distract me.

I wanna sound cool and hot
and all like,

"You can't have me
anymore, sucka."

Max--

Robbie, it's me.

Classy burp
on your outgoing message.

Max, I--

No.

I need you to come
get your stuff tomorrow.

I don't know how
you've been surviving

without your chin-up bar
and Axe body spray.

Max, hang up.

I already called him.

You called Robbie?

You've done so much for me.

I wanted to do
something for you, too.

So I called Robbie
and I had him come over,

and I gave him his stuff.

Now you won't have to go through
with all that mess.

And I think you'd be pleased,
I really let him have it.

What is with you
and boundaries?

You're in my bed,
you're in my boss' bed,

and now you go and call Robbie?

You're like--
you're like your big-ass horse.

Charging in everywhere
you don't belong.

I thought I was
doing you a favor.

In spite of what you say
about the sounds I heard

coming from your bedroom
the other night,

I know you're upset.

I was masturbating.

I love my job.

I need to see you
outside. Now.

Don't get involved with her.

She takes money
from the homeless.

Not true, Bob's an investor.

Be right back.

Good cupcake, right?

Max, I don't know
how smart that was,

blowing by our only potential
business contact.

You stole my breakup scene.

The only remotely good thing
about breaking up with a guy

is telling him how much better
you are than him

when you give him back
his stuff.

I don't know if you noticed,

but my entertainment budget
is pretty low

and I was really
looking forward to that.

And then you went and stole it.

But I guess
you couldn't help it,

'cause that's what you channings
do, you steal things.

Huh.

Interesting.

Okay, you wanted
a breakup scene?

You're in one.

I'm breaking up with you.

Oh, okay.

The cupcake business is over,
the dream is dead.

Oh, I'm sure Nabulangi
will be devastated.

I don't need you
or your cupcakes to survive.

I'll figure something else out.

Because, aside from your
constant Wharton putdowns,

I'm a business genius

and I will always land
on my feet.

Oh, really?

'Cause today you kind of
landed on your front.

We're done.

After work tonight,
I'll get my things and be gone.

Ooh, you gonna load up
your dream-filled wheelie bag

and ride away
on sir muds-a-lot?

Go ahead.
Be as negative as you want.

'Cause you're in charge
of your own future again.

Oh, joke's on you.
I don't have a future.

Max...

Are you up?

No.

Max, are you mad?

Yes.

Are you up and mad?

No and yes.

Oh, your bed's so soft.

That's my boob.

I know I moved out,
but I came back.

I took the rest
of our dead dream money

and bought some cocktails
for myself and some people.

And myself.

Did you bring me back
any of those?

'Cause I can't
listen to this sober.

Max...

I have nothing.

I really need
the cupcake business.

I can be different.

No, you can't.

No, I can't.

But I can be better.

Please?

Please, let's do this.

I know you have
a fear of success.

You do, because no one
ever believed in your dreams.

But I believe in your dreams.

We have a dream.

God, you are so drunk.

So you probably
won't even remember this.

I'm sorry I said that stuff
about your father.

Did you hear me?

Max, are you up?

Hey, do you have any more
of those poor people chips?

What's up, hangover three?

Why are these up?

I thought we were vampires.

Here, I took the rest
of last night's cupcake money,

and brought you a coffee
and a fresh juice.

Which means that,
after two days in business,

we are $23 down
from where we were.

So we're still building
our cupcake business?

Sure.

All we need is how much?

$250,000.

Which is awesome.

Max, I'm sorry
I crossed all those boundaries.

It's cool.

Me and drunk Caroline
worked it all out.

In fact...

She signed this paper.

"I, drunk Caroline,
am a..."

What's that word?

Punk ass ho.

Thanks.

"I, drunk Caroline,
am a punk ass ho.

"I promise to keep
my big mouth shut,

"and replace all
of Max's poor people chips.

I will no longer meddle
in her relation-chips."

You laughed about that
until you threw up.

Oh, and if you're wondering,

no, the puke stains
will not void this contract.

God!

I forgot again
that we have a horse.

Max, get him out of here.

He doesn't know I'm a waitress.

Chestnut.

He is a champion.

He learned that a lot
faster than you did.