2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 19 - And the Spring Break - full transcript

Max and Caroline take a spring getaway at a couple's posh apartment where they've been asked to dog-sit.

Max, look out,
you're so tired

you're spilling batter
all over yourself.

Ugh.

I knew it was only
a matter of time

before I became
a battered woman.

This is
a huge disappointment.

I heard that.

You don't even know
what I'm referring to.

Oh, I just assumed we were
talking about everything.

I'm referring
to our expensive

new cupcake website.

Not one job offer.

You want a website that will make you
feel better about yourself?

Go to
models-falling-down.com

Klum goes boom.

It's 3:00 A.M.
Who would be coming over now?

I don't know,
my dealer, my other dealer?

That guy who always asks
if I know where my dealer is?

- Who is it?
- You can't handle

what's on the other
side of that door.

Yesterday,
I saw a guy on a stoop

frenching his cat.

I can handle anything.

Oleg, what are you
doing here?

And you put the, "oh, no,"
in kimono.

Your upstairs neighbor
Sophie

is allowing me
to have sex with her.

And I came down to borrow
some sensual oils.

Preferably,
ones that you can eat.

How did you
get out of apartment?

You know the rules.

I came down
to borrow sensual oils.

Yeah, but no peppermint.

It makes his tongue swell.

And let's face it,

his tongue is the best part
about him.

You're right,
I can't handle that.

those nice smelling men
in booth two

just asked me
if I was on the down-low.

What does this mean?

Uh, brother,

I'm gonna need
a little more context.

They said,
"are you on the down-low,

because we have a friend
who is a big-time rice queen."

Again, coming up dry.

Rice queen, is it, like,
a Korean dairy queen?

Kind of.

Here's table seven's check,
Earl.

Max,
the guys at booth two

just asked Han
if was on the down-low.

They think he's gay.

That's a step up.

Usually people think
he's a lesbian.

Here you go, Sophie.

Uh, Max, Caroline.

Yeah, about last night,

I hope we can keep that
just between us girls.

I'm sure we have all
done things in the dark

late at night with men
that we'd like to forget.

Why stop at late at night
in the dark?

How about early morning?

Or a nooner at
the port authority bus terminal?

Oh, good.

And you too understand,
Caroline?

Actually, no, sorry.

I haven't ever done
anything with a man

- that I'm ashamed of.
- Oh, yeah.

But your father did
steal millions

and millions of dollars.

So... don't forget that.

Han just sat
your favorite gays.

Max, their names
are Steven and Michael.

And it's not very P.C. To reduce
people to a stereotype.

- Hey, girl.
- What's up, care bear?

Yeah, they're not
stereotypes.

What would you say
if they called you

"the big-boob waitress from
the wrong side of the tracks

who had sex
with everyone in high school"?

I'd say,
"that's why I love the gays.

They get me."

Come over and say hello.

They're the first
and practically the only

people that ever hired us
to do a cupcake job.

Do I have to?

Can't I just stand here
and judge from afar?

Come on, and let's not
mention how bad we're doing.

We want them to think
we're a big success,

so they'll recommend us
for their friends' events.

Yeah, because you know the gays,
they party about everything.

And there's
another stereotype.

- Hi, guys.
- Happy leap year!

F.Y.I., people
are still talking about

those cupcakes you made
for our wedding shower.

- Everyone.
- How's business?

Fabulous, amazing,
killing it.

Or it's killing us.
We're not quite sure.

I'll go grab some menus
for you girls.

- Max.
- Sorry.

I'll go grab some menus
for you ladies.

Love her... so Madeleine Stowe
in revenge.

Oh, she is.

- I don't watch that.
- We love it.

It's all about
a young blonde woman

who's out to seek revenge
on everyone

for destroying her family.

Yeah, too close to home.

- Max, guess what.
- Caroline, you're not

supposed to tell me
I'm on intervention

until the actual
intervention.

I just got offered $600

to stay at Steven
and Michael's apartment

and watch their dogs
while they're out of town

- for two days.
- Why would anyone pay $600

to watch dogs
for two days?

Well, because, you know,
they want a certain

amount of attention
to be paid to the...

Just say it, they're gay and they think
their dogs are their children.

Max, you have to stop
doing this.

I'll stop
when they stop.

This is so exciting.

It'll be like a paid vacation
at an amazing hotel.

And I need to get as far away
from here as possible.

- Oh, where do they live?
- Four blocks away.

Well, have a good time.

And while you're
four blocks away

having your vacation,
I'll be home

maybe taking a little
masturbacation.

What are you
talking about?

I wouldn't go on vacation
without you.

We'll split the dog money
to cover the shifts

we take off
from the diner.

Well, thanks,
but I don't do that thing

where you take off work.

"Hi, I'm Max, I can't go

"to a fancy apartment
and have fun.

"I'd rather work
in a steel mill

and sing
Bruce Springsteen songs."

Max, when was the last time
you had a vacation?

Never.

Unless you count
the summer I hid

under the front porch
from my mom's new boyfriend.

We really need
to get out of here.

This is more than just
spring break.

It's a break
from the diner,

from the cupcake business,
from being poor,

from everything
depressing right now.

Things aren't
that depressing.

Oh.

Yeah, well,
I'm sure we have

all done things with men
in kitchens that...

We are not proud of.

Spring break
is the greatest time ever.

You just go crazy
and do shots

and throw all the rules
out the window.

Oh, I've done that.

But when you're poor,
you just call it Tuesday.

Why are you
walking like that?

This is my
spring break walk.

These shoulders
have shimmied like this

all the way
from Majorca to Ibiza.

Try it, Max.
Shake a little.

- Shake.
- That's cool.

I'll just wait till
I get the DTS later.

Maybe I don't
have the right key.

Oh, hi.

Sorry, I think we might
be at the wrong door.

That's a bummer
for the door.

It's over there, 12d.

We're house-sitting
for a few days.

Cool, I'm Brendon.

Hey, Brendon.
I'm Ashley.

- And...
- I'm surprised.

- And also Max.
- I'd shake your hands,

but I kind of stink.

I've been at my microbrewery
most of the day,

so I am sorry
if I smell like yeast.

Hey, that's my apology.

Whoa, all right, cool.

Well, I will see
you guys around, yeah?

Yeah, totes.

You have something
you want to tell me, Ashley?

I never use Caroline channing
on vacation

for security reasons.

I was almost abducted
at gunpoint

for a ransom
in Mexico city.

Wow, gunpoint.

Were you using the word,
"totes" at the time?

Can you take out the paper
that has the alarm code on it?

Wow, this place
is amazing.

It's, like, the cover
of gay gay gay magazine.

Max, you have to stop
reducing them

to that gay stereotype.

Now, read me
the security code.

It's..."Liza."

A lot of different
types of people

like Liza Minnelli.

Oh, look,
it's a poodle in a tutu.

That's not gay, right?

Lots of...
Lots of different

types of people
have a poodle in a tutu...

Named Barbra Streisand.

Oh, there's the book
of instructions.

"Hey, girl.
Hey, care bear.

"Have fun with Barbra Streisand
and Wynonna Judd.

"Wynonna is a little
temperamental

"and tends to stay
in the bedroom.

"We didn't have time to purge
her anal gland before left.

Instructions on page two."

I'm starting
to understand the $600.

"Don't worry, it's easy.
We do it all the time."

No wonder Wynonna's
so temperamental.

"Help yourself
to anything in the fridge.

There are portable saunas
in the closet."

Portable saunas?

Love it, what is it?

This is so cool.

I'm hot
like I'm at the beach,

but I'm not stepping
in any used condoms.

Yeah, these are great.

My friend
Candice travelstead

used one to make weight
for prom.

Are you done with that?

Yeah, switch?

On spring break,
I always loved

spending the day
at the beach.

Just the chilling
and the girl talk.

Yeah.
Tell me again,

about the sound the anal gland
made when you squeezed it.

Please, stop.

I already told you twice.

And now, wynonna Judd
won't even look at me.

Well, not without
her lawyer in the room.

I'm hungry.
What do you eat on vacation?

Anything we want.

Let's see.

I bet their refrigerator is
stocked with all kinds of pates

and cheeses
and those parm crisp things.

By the way, nice suit.

You look like someone should
be pouring a 40 on you

in a rap video.

Thanks.

There's nothing.

I mean, come on,
what kind of gays are they?

All anal gland
and no cheese.

I just expected
everything to be better.

You know,
champagne on ice,

thousand
thread-count sheets.

I mean, the towels...
They're not even bath sheets.

Wait, the towels
aren't good?

Because I already stole two.

They're fine,
they're just not

what I was expecting.

What's happening
over there?

You could use
a little shoulders.

You're right,
enough, we're on vacay.

Come on, let's go get dressed
and find someplace to eat.

Are you crazy?
I am not leaving this thing.

This is the happiest
I've ever been in my life.

Okay, we'll order in,
pretend it's room service.

They must have a menu drawer
here somewhere.

Plus, we'll never
find a restaurant

with a portable sauna
section.

"Food network party tonight

"to celebrate
the release of a cookbook.

Food and drink provided."

Free foodie food,
free foodie drinks?

- Yay, let's go.
- No, I like it in here.

It's amazing.

Ashley wants to go.

Ashley wants to go.

Fine,
but can I bring the dog?

I've always wanted
to be one of those girls

who brings a tiny dog
to a public place

and just
looks at everyone, like,

"yeah, I have a tiny dog,
so what?"

You can be whoever
you want to be.

You're on vacation.

I'm gonna go invite
Brendon to come.

You gotta have a crush
on spring break.

Well,
I'm sitting in my crush.

Hey, shouldn't you
put something on?

Uh, it's spring break.

Aah!

Barbra, get help.

Go, Barbra Streisand, go.

Hey,
look at the book title,

306 degrees of heaven:
Bacon.

Heaven bacon.
That's good wordplay.

It's okay.
Not much of a crowd.

Party's a little
disappointing.

Bacon truffle,
Barbra Streisand?

Mm?

Yeah, I'm feeding my tiny dog
a truffle, so what?

Miss, miss.

Excuse me,
what are these things for?

Oh, it holds your drink
while you get food.

- No!
- Yeah.

Yeah, these are great when
you see them for the first time.

For me,
it was on a yacht

in the Mediterranean.

You know what else
these are good for?

Frees up your shoulders
to shimmy.

You shimmy.
I'm gonna walk over here

and find us a bigger, shinier
something to do later.

Later?
We're going home

- to our amazing apartment.
- Or not.

Come on, Max,
it's spring break.

Let's not get tied down.

I'll be over there.

Yeah, we'll be over there.

Oh.

Hi. You're not allowed
to have dog in here.

Unless he wants
to buy the book.

What are you,
some kind of foodie bouncer?

Worse.
I wrote the book.

Yeah, nice sleeves.

You get those in
the tattoo gold rush of '09?

I'm Zeke.
What's your name?

I'm Max.
This is my tiny dog.

I take her everywhere,
so what?

Hey, Max, you wanna try
my thick-cut bacon?

Maybe. Let's just
take things slow.

I'm telling you,
it serves

the best
vegan stew anywhere.

You really should put it
in your blog.

Oh, if I write one more
article about something vegan,

all of my devoted
10,000 readers will hold hands

and jump collectively
out a window.

And I know you like to find
what's new and what's next.

Chocolate bacon?

I just need
a minute over there.

Hi, couldn't help
but overhear.

If you're looking
for what's new,

I found these
two adorable girls

who run a cupcake business

out of their home
in Williamsburg.

I know how that sounds,
but trust me,

totally fresh
and not at all overexposed.

And you're someone
I should listen to because...?

Sorry,
didn't introduce myself.

Ashley Emerson,
style editor for Elle.

Oh.

If you're interested,
I think I might have

a card in here somewhere.

Was holding on to it
for Martha.

Mr. Bacon action figure.

A world of bacon sampler.

And I want to apologize for
the food network trucker hat,

which has nothing
to do with bacon

and everything to do
with me being a sellout.

Guess what.

Ashley just gave our card

to a woman who's such a bitch
she must be important.

She's a food blogger.

It's a long shot,

but we need to get
some exposure.

Whoa, we are on vacation.

No business talk.
That was the deal, right?

This is Zeke, chef-slash-
author-slash-corporate sellout.

We were, uh...

We were thinking about
going back to the apartment

- to hang out.
- Oh, sounds fun.

Can I see you alone
for a second?

Well, not alone.

I bring my tiny dog
everywhere, so what?

Come on, I heard
of an after-party in Soho

and an after-after-party
in dumbo.

So, let's go-ho.

Have fun and get
this vacation started.

I'm holding a tiny dog
at a bacon-book party

and laughing with a guy
who wrote a book about bacon.

I think my vacation's
already started.

All right,
well, have fun.

I'm gonna go par-tay.

Eh, did your thing, Ash.

I don't want
to say that I'm hot.

But the bacon
in my pocket is done.

We said turns were
five minutes, you bastards.

Oh, hi.
More sauna fun.

Max, can I see you
in the hall for a second?

But it's my turn
to sweat my balls off.

Don't think the clock's
not running while I'm out there.

We're going
on a real vacation.

How quickly
can you pack a bag?

And don't worry about
appropriate evening wear.

Every four seasons
has a Gucci

near the Bulgari store
in the lobby.

None of those words
made any sense.

I think you've had
a spring break stroke.

No, seriously, there's a car
waiting downstairs

to take us
to a private plane.

We can be at Teterboro
in 20 minutes

and Tahiti in 8 hours.

The Greek
is paying for everything.

What did they give you?

What's the last thing
you can remember?

Nothing.

I just had some cristal.

Some cristal meth?

No, I'm just
really excited.

I went to the after-party
and this shipping magnate.

Don't worry,
it's not gonna be sexual.

More like a father thing.

Anyway, let's go... finally
got us a good vacation.

But we're having
a good vacation.

Max, don't take this
personally,

but you don't know what
a good vacation is

because you've
never been anywhere.

I mean, you walked
into that apartment

and your face lit up, like...
Like it was amazing.

And that's because
you don't know that it's not.

Trust me.
I've been everywhere.

And I'm telling you,
this is the worst vacation ever.

So let's ditch the bacon freak
and the beer bro,

get on that plane, spend
one great day at the beach,

and then come back
and make $8 an hour.

That sounds fun.

You kind of skipped over
the part where we get abducted

and Nancy grace
covers the year-long search

for our bodies.

It must be Constantine.
He's gonna be upset.

You never
keep a Greek waiting.

Oh, my God, Max,
we just got an email

on our website from that
food blogger at the book party.

She said if we drop off four
cupcakes by tomorrow morning,

she'll consider writing about
them for her column that day.

Well, what's it gonna be,
Caroline or Ashley?

Cupcakes or Tahiti?
Your call.

Is the Greek
still waiting?

He just pulled away.

I'm sure he'll come back here
for Ashley sometime.

And when that happens,
I wouldn't want to be her.

Well, after tomorrow,
you won't be.

What can I do?

You mean after
your two personalities

meet and kill each other?

Max, I told you
I needed a break.

I just didn't know it was
gonna be a psychotic one.

You really need
to chill.

You can't
keep freaking out

because you're not where
you want to be...

On vacation
or in our business.

I mean, it's life.
Lower your expectations.

This microbrew
is actually really good.

Tastes better
in the batter.

Hey, crumble up some of that
maple bacon for me.

Sorry about
that stuff I said

about you never having
gone anywhere.

Why?
I never have gone anywhere

or done anything.

And now I'm thinking
that's kind of a good thing,

because I can still
get excited and make a face

when something's new to me.

'Cause, basically,
everything is.

That must be nice.

All right, here,
taste it.

My beer-batter, maple bacon,
spring break cupcake.

Oh, my God, you made
the "something new" face.

I did, because
you made something new.

- It's delicious.
- Do the face again.

Oh, there they are,
the world travelers.

Shouldn't people be throwing
confetti or something?

I'm all out.

I snorted mine
in the power outage of '65.

How was your vacation?

Well, it turned out
to be more of a daycation,

but we had a great time,
didn't we, Max?

Yes, we did.

Max, things sure are dull
around here without you.

Everyone walking around
all P.C.,

nobody called me black.
Hell.

I haven't left once
since you've been gone.

When it comes to this job,
you are my vacation.

Aw.

And that, Earl,
is why I got

all five
of these gift bags for you.

Welcome, again,
to the Williamsburg diner.

This way, please.

I have looked up "down-low"
and "rice queen" on Wikipedia.

And, no, I'm not
a secret homosexual

or a man who chases
only Asian men.

I'm great, I'm straight.
Get used to it.

Hi, guys.
How was your vacation?

Great. Did you have fun
at our place?

Totes.
Your saunas are sick.

I know.
Could they be any gayer?

No.

Just one thing.
Wynonna's still a little upset

about the anal gland event.

What?

I told you she wouldn't
know it was a joke.

How could she not know
it was a joke?

I mean, who would ask someone
to squeeze their dog's pooper?

We're paying you
another 50.

Dude, she went
second knuckle deep

in your beagle's back door
for only another 50?

150.

Thank you.

And just one other thing.

Our business is actually
not that great right now,

so if you could recommend us
to any of your friends,

- that would really help.
- Good for you.

I'm sure business will
pick up after that blog blurb.

- Wait, blog blurb?
- About your beer-battered

maple bacon
spring break cupcake.

We just read about it.

Yeah, in that
foodie bitch's blog.

Max, it worked.

Let's go look at the blog
on Han's computer.

Excuse us.
We'll be right back.

We got a little break
and a big break.

Yeah,
I did it again.

Yeah.

Welcome back.

You missed the best
two days of my life.