2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 18 - And the One-Night Stands - full transcript

Max, can you watch my tables
while I run to the restroom?

I already am.

I've been watching model girl

pretend she's eating for 30 minutes.

Oh, she's nice.

She always tips
on what she would've eaten.

Guess what, everyone?

I have a secret.

You're a woman trapped in a man's body?

No.

You're a man trapped in a woman's body?

You're a little boy

trapped in a little girl's body?

I am a man in a man's body.

We're not talking about your night life.

I have discovered something when going over

the employee applications.

Okay, perhaps I never worked
at the Waldorf Astoria,

but I did work with this guy,
Waldorf, in Astoria.

It's not you. Tomorrow is Caroline's birthday.

Why wouldn't I know that?

She tells me everything about her life.

I know so much about her cycle,

I'm feeling pressure to impregnate her.

I can do that for you.

It's weird.

Why wouldn't she want
to celebrate her birthday?

She celebrates everything.

Heads up, everybody.

I just refilled the paper towels.

Who's a team player? What, what?

# ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #

Max.

You know what we have to do.

Aw, man. I knew this day would come.

All right, what's the least
amount I can do to keep my job?

Just tell me when it's over.

And when it starts.

It's time to talk about Caroline's birthday.

You have to throw her a party.

I'd rather you just

have your tiny way with me.

I don't like birthdays.
I don't even know when mine is.

My mom narrowed it down
to a two-week window in June.

But you are Caroline's BFF.

And it is BFF's job
to throw friend a party.

Han, I don't have enough money

to throw a party.

I don't even have enough money
to throw a baseball.

You have money. You be her BFF.

I already have a BFF-- Jamarcus.

And my last birthday,

he threw me a sick surprise party.

You must think BFF stands
for "barely freaking friends",

because there's no way you're down

with someone named Jamarcus.

Oh, really?

Then why did we exchange
ATM pin numbers?

Oh...

I'll just crop that, and we'll be good to go.

Max, Edwin's ready to show us
the design for our new website.

Come see it.

Dude, you and the webmaster
have been talking "business"

every day for a week.

Is something going on there?

Shouldn't the web be mastered by now?

It's strictly business.

All right, but it's costing us $200.

Might as well get something out of it.

Maybe let him browse your Yahoo?

Looks like he might have
a big ol' hard drive

with a lot of ram.

Yeah, he's cute, but I don't
want a relationship right now.

And I don't do one-night stands.

All right, so don't stand. Lay down.

That's not me--

the next morning,
doing the walk of shame.

I always see those girls
with their messed-up sex hair,

carrying their heels,
clutching their coats

to hide last night's outfit.

Going into Kinko's to use Google maps

so you can figure out where you are.

You really put the "ho" in "Kinko."

Oh. Sorry, Sophie.

We're closed.

Oh, no. I'll be quick.

I just want a cupcake to go.

I'm on my way to 24 hour fitness.

Ja, and I put it on the cupcake
holder on the treadmill.

Uh, Max,
my town car is parked out front

and I was wondering
if you wanted me to wait

for you and Caroline to give you
a ride back to our building.

Oh, no. It's okay.

We still have to clean up
and take the garbage out.

Oh.

Oh, looks like the garbage
is taking itself out.

The game continues.

Here is my number.

I invite you to call me

when you realize what a catch I am.

Or any time you are drunk and willing.

Max, I'm going to need the doggy bag as well.

Not for the cupcake.

To puke in.

So I'll get this finalized,

and then I'll stop
by the diner tomorrow

so you can sign off on
the layout before we go live.

This is so exciting.

Oh, wait, Edwin. Shoot.

I forgot to show you
the new pricing chart.

It's cool, I can draft it up right now

and upload it when I get home.

Yeah, webmaster. You work pretty fast.

But I bet you can work slow, too.

And really fast again.

I can be done in a minute.

Ooh, not what you want to hear.

Max.

It's fine. We can wait.

You know what? You stay here.

I have to go to the store
and pick up stuff for your--

my what?

Your cupcake business that
you're making me do with you.

Get home safe.

Um, hey, where do you live, Edwin?

Hell's kitchen.

Oh, cool.

You're going to want
to take the "c" down,

transfer to the "l,"
and if you get lost,

there's a Kinko's on 6th and 14th.

That's embarrassing. Max was just trying to--

yeah, I work on complicated web programs.

I think I cracked that code.

She wants us to hook up.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Why are you sorry?

That's all I've been thinking about.

Yum, yum.

Oh, my God.

They are so hot.

Don't give me that look.

Oleg.

Caroline.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I live here, and I'm just coming out

from going to get coffee.

It was delicious.
I drank every bit of it.

Outside. That's why I don't have a cup.

But you're wearing
the same outfit from last night.

You're wearing the same outfit
from last night.

And you have messed-up sex hair.

You have messed-up sex hair.

Webmaster?

Sophie?

She called me up and we made hand love.

But I thought Sophie hated you.

Well, she doesn't hate my hand.

But you cannot tell anyone.

That was her one condition.

That and a copy
of my recent blood tests

signed by a medical professional.

Deal.

And you can't tell
anyone about me, either.

Especially Max.

I'd never hear the end of it.

Deal.

Pinky swear?

Actually, never mind.

I don't know where
your fingers have been.

I just told you where they've been.

Max

I'm so excited for this party.

I wore my loose clothing
so I can dance all night.

God, I cannot take this party pressure.

I'm just going to go in the back

and run a can opener across my wrist.

Oh, Max. I'm sure you did a great job.

You know, as long as you have a DJ,

some champagne, and a psychic.

No, no, and no.

I got some balloons, a hummus tray,

and possibly Earl.

He still hasn't confirmed.

Oh.

You don't need psychic to know

that this is going to be
a horrible, horrible party.

Well, thank God
Caroline has new boy toy.

She might not mind as much.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, I saw them kissing in
front of the diner last night.

Yeah, I sat there
and watched for an hour.

They were really going at it,
hot and heavy.

You know, like the Showtime
network in the good old days.

Oh, great.

Now I have to invite him
to the party, too?

I only got a six-pack of Capri Suns,

so people are going to have to share.

Congratulations, it's official.

Our website is now live.

Congratulations, it's official.

You're a whore.

I hear you got
your Kinko's card punched.

What?

Don't "what" me.

I know you hooked up
with the webmaster.

Pick up.

Oleg, you told Max?

What's happening?

Our deal's off.

Oleg had sex with Sophie last night.

No...

It wasn't sex. Just hand stuff.

Yeah, and nothing above the waist.

I'm a lady.

I got all hot and bothered
watching Caroline and big Han.

Okay...

You know, I really think
this is between Caroline and me.

You mean between Caroline,
you, and your strippers.

Strippers?

I have seen this man in a strip club.

Han, you were in a strip club?

Earl took me.

Damn it, Han.

You're going to sell me out

after I spotted you $100 in ones.

You went to Spreaders without me?

Why would you take Han to a strip club?

Yeah, is his lap even big enough for a dance?

Earl, I'm so disappointed in you.

That's it. I'm not going to your party.

What party?

Damn it, Earl!

It's supposed to be
a surprise for her birthday.

Who told you it was my birthday?

Han.

Damn it, Han!

I didn't want a party

and I don't want to celebrate
my birthday this year.

Well, too bad,

because your BFF is throwing you
a big blow-out.

Oh, Max. Now I feel bad.

You feel bad now, wait till you see the party.

Caroline's birthday. Woot, woot.

Thanks, but you don't have
to say that after everything.

Max...

I know you had limited budget,

but music is free.

Yeah, well, I'm a douche.

Speech!

Speech!

I can't carry this party much longer.

Okay, I'd like to say something.

Wait, wait.

Can't we wait till we cut the cake?

Cake?

People are still doing that?

Yes. Our livelihood depends on it.

There's only one party as bad as this one.

That's the Donner Party.

And even they had better food.

I'd like to say happy birthday
to a very pretty lady

who I just had the pleasure of meeting,

and I think I'm going
to be seeing a lot more of her.

Aw.

I'll go get us some more drinks.

Okay.

Get rid of him.

What?

It was a one-time thing.

I thought you weren't that kind of girl.

I realized it had almost been a year

since I had sex, and I decided

I rather not be that kind of girl.

But I don't want a relationship.

Hey, I get it. Hit it and quit it.

# hit it, don't babysit it #

Max, please.

Fine.

How am I going to make him go away?

It's not going to take a lot

to convince someone
to leave this party.

I'd like to ask everyone
to raise their cocktail,

but I can't.

So raise your Capri to the sun...

For a very special lady who I'm
sure I will be seeing more of.

Get rid of him. It was a one-time thing.

So was that the worst party
you've ever been to?

That was the worst party
anyone's ever been to.

So with the webmaster, how was the sex?

Pretty good.

But then he did that thing

where he pretended
he was going to choke me.

When did guys start doing that?

I don't know,

but if I knew that was his thing,

I would've asked him
to choke me at the party.

How did you get rid of him?

What did you say?
Did you let him down gently?

No, I told him to hit the pike.

It's a one-night stand. Guys get that.

So that's it? He wasn't upset?

Guys don't care.

One-night stands-- they come, they go.

Literally.

But what if he wants to see me again?

Relax.

It is not going
to come back to haunt you.

Unless you start feeling an itch...

Or a kick.

Well, thanks for dumping him.

And for the...

I'm going to go ahead
and call it a party.

I knew you wouldn't want me

to use any of the cupcake money,

and I was broke.

So I guess I am your BFF--

your broke friend forever.

Max, it really doesn't matter
what you would've done.

The only thing
I really wanted for my birthday

was to see my father.

And he's in prison,
so that didn't happen.

I may not be a good BFF,

I may not throw a great party,

but I do know where
to find a free bus to prison.

Hey, everybody.
We got a birthday girl onboard.

Sit yo ass back down!

See? Now we got a party.

This is nice getting out of the city.

Kind of reminds me
of the ride to the Hamptons.

Yo.

This your first time on the bangbus?

We call it the bangbus because
everybody here gonna get banged.

And in addition 'cause we're on a bus.

Hmm, makes sense.

Hey, I'm Shonda.

I'm Max. This is Caroline.

So you're all going for,
like, conjugal visits?

Pretty fancy term for getting

shawshanked on a three-legged cot.

Shawshanked. I like her.

I like your hair.

Did you just get back from Cancun?

No, no.

I saved up,
and I got these done for my man.

He says they make me

look like Alicia Keys meets Ed Norton

in American History X.

How sweet.

Ah, yo. What's your man in for?

My man's in for possession
of a sweet, sweet ass.

He makes that joke every time.

He's not my man, actually. He's my dad.

Oh, so you're a freak.

That's all right. I don't judge.

You see a name tag
on me that says "Judy"?

Oh, look. We just passed a Carvel.

What's a Carvel?

Carvel ice cream.

You know,
Fudgie the Whale, Cookie Puss.

Come on, how could you not know Carvel?

They have them everywhere.

Oh, wait.

Is that that white trash ice cream?

How dare you!

It is not white trash.

And I wouldn't be so high and mighty.

You're on a free bangbus to a prison.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you had such

a strong emotional connection
to ice cream.

Not to the ice cream. The ice cream cake.

When I was ten, I asked my mom
for a birthday party.

She said yes but then flaked out

and forgot to call anyone.

I'm starting to understand why

you don't like birthday parties.

So after I waited on the porch for an hour,

I'll stole 20 bucks from her purse,

thumbed it out to Carvel,

and bought myself
a Fudgie the Whale cake.

Ate the whole thing
with a pink plastic spoon,

and it was way better than
any party ever could have been.

I heard that.

There ain't nothing better
than Fudgie the Whale.

I love the chocolate crunchies.

Bitch, everybody love
the damn chocolate crunchies!

Hey, Shonda. Who are you here to see?

Who's available?

I'm just cracking wise.
You know I'm here to see Squirm.

Search her.

Damn. Is it my turn again?

Next.

We're not on that list. We didn't call ahead.

Leave it to me.

I've gotten into every club
I've ever wanted to get into.

Hi. Caroline Channing plus one.

I don't see you on the list.

Really? That's weird.

We should be on the list.
We're always on the list.

Max, we're not on the list.

We're not? I'm going to kill my assistant.

Oh, I know.

It might be under Deangelo Jefferson.

Come on, girls. Don't waste my time.

I'd like to see a manager.

There's no manager.

It's a prison.

Well, then who runs this place?

Well, the Aryan brotherhood
is getting pretty strong.

This is such amateur hour.

Give me 50 bucks for the door guy.

Are you seriously trying to bribe

an officer of the law
while inside a prison?

That's a federal offense.

Is it?

Probably.

Look, I should have you thrown
out for even suggesting it.

We do not accept bribes.

Okay, fine.

I'll let you take
your sweet time searching me

on the way in.

These two are clear to go through.

Max, you can't do that for me.

It's really for me. It's been a while.

Woot, woot.

I'm so excited to see my father

after all this time.

How do I look?

You look good. How do I look?

Do I still have
that freshly felt-up glow?

Well, that ginger over there
thinks you look good.

He's full-on staring at you.

Well, I should hope so.

If you can't get a dude
in prison to check you out,

it's time for a makeover.

No, he's looking
and nodding like he knows you.

Never seen him before in my life.

Max?

Max Black?

It's me, Irish.

I don't know, dude.
I think you got the wrong girl.

Max, I could never forget that face.

Trust me, you've never seen me before.

Oh, damn!

Oh, my God!

That's you.

So you do remember.

Of course.

Get rid of him.
It was a one-night stand.

See, they do come back to haunt you.

Shirt on.

Max, can you believe it?

Of all the prisons in all the world,

you walked into mine.

It's kismet.

I got rid of yours. You get rid of mine.

Listen, Irish. It was a one-time thing.

You're a guy. You get that.

How could you say it's a one-time thing?

I love you.

I blew up that chipotle for you.

Listen, I appreciate the ink,

but I don't really believe in love,

and truth be told,

I'm not even a fan of Mexican food.

Caroline Channing. This table.

Max, we have to go. My dad's coming.

Okay. Nice to see you, Irish.

Your body looks sick.

Max, hold on.

I'm not going to tell you again to back up.

Max, I'm not going to lose you twice.

I said, back up!

Don't tell me to back up.

That's the love of my life.

Come on, dude. Hit the pike.

Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down!

Visiting hours are over! Everybody out!

No, no, no, wait! I can't leave.

Damn!

Oh, wait. There's my father.

I can see him, he's just coming in.

Oh, daddy. Daddy...
Hi!

Well, thank you very much, ladies.

My man was barely in
when I got pulled out.

I would like to apologize to everyone

for taking the bang out of the bus,

but in my own defense,

everyone here knows a little
something about crazy guys.

Sit yo ass back down!

Max, sit down before you start another riot.

I'm sorry. I blew it.

I screwed up your chance
to see your father.

I screwed up your party.

I even screwed up the
easiest birthday thing to do,

like get a cake.

I'm a terrible BFF.

It's okay.

Really, it's fine.

With the year I'm having,

it's not like you could've
made everything better

just by getting me a cake.

Well, no. Not just any cake.

Just as good as I remember it.

Best 40 bucks we ever spent.

And this birthday turned out
to be all right.

I did get what I wanted.

I got see my father.

It was only for a second,
but I saw him.

And he saw me. So thank you.

Yeah, and I got to see Irish.

Think he might be
the one that got away.

Well, the one that got put away.

You know, you and I are better than BFFs.

We're BBFs.

Bangbus friends.