2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 17 - And the Kosher Cupcakes - full transcript

So that's three of our
delicious homemade cupcakes.

Nope, can't.
You touched them.

Sorry, flu season, no health care.

You realized I replaced that
purell with K.Y., right?

Max, please say you're kidding.

Of course, I'm kidding.

I can't afford lube.
I just use my tears.

Max, seriously, don't mess
with my hand sanitizer.

I've already caught poverty this year

and I refuse to catch the flu.

I just have to keep cleaning my
hands and not touch anyone.

Caroline, I have check from table ten.

Okay, just place it right there.

That's a big tip, wow--

You know, in Indonesia,
you'd be married now.

I'm gonna get sick, I know it.

You're fine.

Fine? Han just unloaded into my mouth.

Congratulations, you both
finally got some action.

I can't afford to
get sick and miss work.

I need to get some antibiotics.

You are poor now.

Poor people don't just run out
and buy antibiotics.

We man up, grow a pair,
stare germs in the face.

Like this French fry from that
guy who couldn't stop coughing.

Max, no, no--oh!

Mmm.

Booyah!

And I haven't ever been sick
or to a clinic.

And, no, planned parenthood
doesn't count.

Well, well, well, she weebles
and she wobbles,

but she don't fall down.

Oh, Earl, you're so naughty and nice.

And I'll be checking you out twice.

Hey, Sophie, sit anywhere you like.

Oh, uh, let's see. Where is lighting
that will make me look most attractive?

What am I saying?
I look good everywhere.

I am meeting man for first time
that I met online.

I wonder if he's here yet.

Well unless you've been cruising

singles who don't leave enough
singles, I'd say no.

You know, Max, if my date
turned out to be big bust--

what, bigger than ours?

Then you come over and say that

something suddenly came up and
that I have to go, okay?

Oh, my gosh, this must be him.

You must be Sophie Kuchenski.

I'm Serguisz Bilowski.

Oh.

Wow, I love your dress, I love that!

Something came up and you have to go.

No, no this is perfect.

Would you like to sit down?

Just let me run to
the little boys rooms first.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Who is that?

That's Sophie's new boyfriend.

I see, and where's his boyfriend?

Hello.

Nice to see you again.

I'm wearing my velour
especially for you.

And right now, it's the only
thing soft about me.

Please go away before my date
comes back from the men's room.

You have brought other man in here?

Yes, I met him on Polish dating site.

you didn't have to go online.
You could meet my pole any time.

No, this will never happen.

You're not my type.

Well, what is your type?

Wow, they have those automatic
hand dryers that blow you.

I love being blown like that.

Those look like two giant
orange traffic cones.

Are you trying to tell me
not to park there?

This is a lady.

Show her some respect.

Sophie has new man in her life.

I am so mad I cannot see straight.

Well, I'm looking right at him
and I don't see straight either.

Max, I think I'm running a slight fever.

Feel my forehead.

Look, you should have learned
by now-- I don't feel anything.

Caroline, I've written down
address of drug store

in South Williamsburg that
has a doctor on site.

Here, I will pay for it.

Unless it is cancer.

Then I'm out.

And, Max, here is check for table seven.

Booyah!

How long is it gonna
take to see a doctor?

I'm definitely getting
something-- I'm pre-sick.

I'm stage one pre-sick.

I need penicillin.

I told you before, you have to man up

and not give in to this sick stuff.

I'm not like you.

I have actual things I feel.

Menachem Goldman.

Menachem Goldman.

This must be the orthodox
Jewish neighborhood.

Either that or we're in ZZ Top-ville.

Max, have some respect.

Hey, I got nothing but respect.

They basically invented southern rock.

I love the Jewish people.

Whenever I felt sick before,
I'd just pop over

to the townhouse next door
and visit Dr. Klein.

So your love was contingent on pills?

We're not that different.

Actually, the Kleins
and I were very close.

I was invited to many
a passover in their home.

In fact, they called me
their honorary Jew.

Rivka Shemshelewitz.

Rivka Shemshelewitz.

Well, you're no Rivka Shemshelewitz.

Mrs. Klein always said
I had a bissel Jew.

You had a Jewish vacuum cleaner?

No.
Bissel.

It's a Yiddish word.
It means little.

And this one time I had a bissel flu

and she brought me
chicken soup every day.

So why don't you just
give Dr. Klein a call?

I did three times and no return.

I guess he doesn't want anything
to do with me anymore

because of my father's
financial scandal.

All those years I thought
we were family.

Guess not.

I don't know, ignoring your

needs and pretending you don't exist?

Sounds like family to me.

Caroline Channing, Caroline Channing.

Finally.

Let me do the talking.

I learned a lot of
Hebrew from Mrs. Klein.

These are my people.

Hello, shalom.

Very good, you wanna squeeze
in a couple more before sundown?

Wow, you're as bad
as me trying to be Irish

at the blarney rose for a free beer.

Yar, can I get me a cerveza?

What can I get you ladies,

besides skirts that
are more appropriate?

Sorry, I didn't know it
was an orthodox neighborhood.

You know what, we could just tie
our coats around our waists.

Max?

Oh, and look at the breasts on this one.

Coat on or off?
Make up your mind.

No, Bubala, I'm just saying,
with those big breasts

and that gorgeous hair it's
like looking in a mirror.

It's been a few years, but trust
me, under this wig and smock,

spitting image of you.

Here you go, Esther Rachael.

How else do you think I landed

a handsome doctor like my Anshell?

Oh, doctor?

Doctor?
Doctor, if you could--

oh, oh, what is that
Hebrew word for wait?

You might wanna start
peppering in some English.

Now, Chava?

Now you're telling me
you're too sick to bake.

I need 80 cupcakes.

The bar mitzvah is tomorrow.

You're dead to me!
See you next week.

- We could help.
- We can?

Yeah, give me the card.

Hi, I'm Max and my friend and I
here have a cupcake business

and we'd be happy to
bake as many cupcakes

as you need for the bar mitzvah.

I mean, you need cake, we make cake.

It's bashert.

Look, enough with the "it's a
small Hebrew world after all."

How does 250 sound?

No way, 275.

I have to bake all morning.

It's like looking in a mirror.

They're kosher, right?

Are they kosher? Look at me.

Like looking in a mirror.

Good, I'll call you with the address.

Esther Rachael, if I could
talk to you husband

about getting some antibiotics--

sorry, sundown.

Okay, I've got the kosher
cookbook, salt, flour, sugar,

new mixing bowls, and I
stopped at the goodwill

and got us two appropriately

sad schmatas to wear for tomorrow.

Let's start.

Start?
I'm already half done.

How could you be half done?

You didn't have any kosher ingredients.

Oh, they'll never know, we'll just

tell them they're kosher.

Oh, my God, we can't do that.

Oh, my God, we just did.

They have to be kosher.

Do you want God to smite us?

What's he gonna do?

Take away all my good luck
and your fortune?

You think all those things
labeled low fat are low fat?

It is just a sales gimmick.

I had a low cal ice cream bar once

that popped my top Jean button.

Kosher isn't a sales gimmick.

It's thousands of years of tradition.

We have to respect that.

I don't respect anyone's tradition.

That's kind of my tradition.

Well maybe that's because

you didn't grow up around a family.

Hey, I grew up with a lot of families.

The Manson family, the Jackson
family, the Menendezes.

Wait, is that Menendezes or Menen-di?

Either way, they were like
brothers to me.

Max, we are doing these
straight up kosher.

Fine.

But return those new bowls,
I don't need them.

I can just dump the bacon bits
out of this old one.

Max, please, let's just
start the cupcakes over,

drop them off, get me some antibiotics,

come home, and put me to bed.

All right, I'll make them kosher.

I mean, it's the least
you could do after you

lied to that woman and let her
think you were one of them.

Hey, I don't know who my father is.

I could be half Jewish.

Although it's more likely
I'm half bartender

who demanded my mom figure out
a way to pay her tab.

- Hey!
- Hello.

Serguisz and I are on
way up to my apartment.

He's making me brunch.

Cornish hens splashed
with my special sauce.

I love special sauce, I love that!

Yeah, and I stopped by
because I was hoping you girls

might have some spare
cupcakes for dessert.

Only about 40 of them.

Oh, good!

I'll go up and get started.

Sophie, can I have you keys?

- Oh, yeah.
- Cute place.

Ah, I have keychain just like this.

We are birds of a feather.

I love that!

See, girls.

This is what I like about
my new boyfriend.

He loves so many things.

And vagina ain't one of them.

Max!

We don't know that.

Sexuality is more fluid these days.

It's okay.
He's big, big gay.

So... You know he's gay?

Oh, know it?

I prefer it.

Yeah, my ex-husband
was large male bully.

Yeah, all rough sex
and stains in shorts.

Now all I want is a man who will
spoon me and stay soft.

But what about sex?

Oh, no one does me better than me.

That's the last of them.

Look at us.

I think we look very nice.

Really?

I think we look like the Olson twins.

Well hello, girls.

You look very lovely.

Mazel tov to the family.

What a mitzvah to be part of this day.

How bashert.

Oh, we're still on that ride?

I'm sorry.

It's just, I'm so happy to be

in your warm and wonderful home.

I was very close to my
neighbors, the Kleins.

In fact, they called me
their honorary Jew.

Stop now.

This is like when you tell Earl

you're practically black.

We'll just get our money and go.

Take our money and go?

What are we, barbarians?

Stay and celebrate a little.

But, out here in the kitchen,
away from the men.

Sit, eat, come.

Three of my favorite things to do.

Good looks and funny.
What a catch.

Hadassa, hand me a spoon.

All 100% kosher and so
gorgeous you could plotz.

This one's seen some
Streisand movies, yes?

Wait until you taste my kugel.

Oh, I love kugel.

Tell me, Esther Rachael, are you
ashkenzi or sephardic Jews?

Someone's been on the Internet.

No way, this is a pasta and a dessert?

Ooh, there he is.

My only son.
My little angel.

The bar mitzvah boy who,
today, becomes a man.

Girls, this is Shmuley and his
friend from next door, David.

Say hello to the girls who made
the cupcakes, boys.

Both: Nice to meet you.

Hadassa, Devorah, enough.

Thank you, go.

Enjoy the party.

Have more kugel.

I'll go ask my husband for your money.

See, this is what I love, Max.

The family, the tradition.

The lasagna with the crazy raisins.

And those two little boys,

could they have been more precious?

Yo, yo, yo, what up cupcake bitches?

I'm fixin' to marry me a beeyatch

who bakes like this, son.

Uh, I don't know what's going on,

but I'm pretty sure boys
and girls aren't

supposed to be socializing, right?

Damn, sweetness, your lips are moving

but your ass is doing all the talking.

Uh... Is that Yiddish?

Oh, boys, there you are, come on.

Say goodbye to the cupcake ladies.

Both: Nice to meet you.

Did that just happen or has my
fever suddenly spiked?

That's the first time I ever saw anyone

acting all pimp who still had pimples.

Yo, yo, yo!

And they're back.

What up, Shawties?

What's crackalackin?

Yo, today my boy became a mans.

That's right.

Got my bar mitzvah done, son.

Preach!

So let's get to it.

How much of my mitzvah money
is it gonna take

for you to pop that top and serve me up

some super fine taytays?

Dude, there is not enough money in the--

how much are we talking?

Max!

Yo, don't get all jealous, vanilla cone.

How about you turn around and
make it pop for daddy?

How would you like it
if I told your mother

right on the other side of that door

how you boys were in here
disrespecting us?

How is you gonna say anything
with your mouth full?

Damn, son!

Come in here, ma.
This way.

Don't say anything to her.

Let's just get our money
and get out of here.

Max, she should know.

You wanna ruin their day
and not get paid?

Just keep it to yourself for
five minutes and we're gone.

I want you to meet
my mother, Hinda Fagel.

Ma, this is Max who made
the kosher cupcakes.

And I'm Caroline.

What did the shicksa say?

She said her name is Caroline.

Who cares what her name is?

She looks like the people that

stole my grandmother's good hutch.

But look at this one.

It's like looking in a mirror.

Oy, she's got a fever.

Oh, Max, oh honey, you're burning up.

Oh, no way, I don't get sick.

I get sick.

You're sick.

You'll come, you'll lie down.

Oh, I'm really fine.

We'll just get our money and head home.

Nonsense.
You'll see my husband.

The doctor.

Stop, wait, where are you taking her?

I'm the one who gets sick.

What did she say?

She says she wants your hutch.

You poor baby.

You have a fever of 102.

Just have to rest, Bubala.

I'm really fine.

That towel thing feels awesome.

It's a cold compress,
it'll bring your fever down.

My husband should be in any minute.

Thanks.

I think it's only right to tell you,

I don't know a lot about my
background, so...

I might not be Jewish.

Please, look at you.

You could be my daughter.

I would have liked that.

Always wanted a daughter.

I always wanted a mother.

Oh, did your mother die young?

Sadly, no.

Ooh, you need a kiss.

Oh, good your soup is ready.

Ess a bissel, tatelleh.

Bissel?

I know bissel.

Of course you do.
You're Jewish.

Okay, I'm Jewish, what the hell.

Oh, we don't believe in hell.

We don't?

Awesome.

Oh, thanks.

Call me Bubby.

Thanks, Bubby.

No one's ever blown on my soup before.

What's wrong with them?

# That's my boy,
that's my boy, hey, ho #

Oh, there he go!

That's what's up, hooker.

First of all, you just scuffed
his mother's freshly-waxed floor

and secondly, you may think
throwing away your family

traditions is cool now, but in
life, bad things can happen.

And one day, when you find
yourself penniless and sick,

you'll need your nice Jewish family

and you'll call them three times
and they won't answer the phone

no matter how much you need antibiotics.

Damn, boo, I stopped listening
after you said freshly-waxed.

Playa!

Max, I'm giving you some amoxicillin

for you to take home.

Now take it all, even when you

start feeling better.

Yes, Dr. Anshell.

Look what I brought.

Sweets for the sweets.

Ooh.

Uh, wait, wait, wait,
before you eat those,

remember how I said
I might not be Jewish?

- Yes.
- Those might not be kosher.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying they're not kosher.

What is she saying?

Not kosher!

- What?
- Not kosher!

Spit it out, ma!

Spit it out!

Just a minute, it tastes so good.

- You like that?
- Stop.

- You like that?
- Stop it.

- You like that?
- S--that's it!

Listen, hit me with
one more dead president

and you'll be six feet under
with Biggie and Tupac.

You understand me, Jew-Tang Clan?

Skinny bitch came to play!

What kind of girl brings
non-kosher cupcakes

into a kosher home?

Not me-- I'm not that kind of girl.

Yeah, hi, I think I'm that kind of girl.

Max, what are you talking about?

I made sure every single one of those

was up to a rabbi's high standard.

Yes, well, maybe my rabbi
didn't have such high standards.

I'm so sorry, I burned some
and we were running late

and I figured,
four non-kosher out of 80.

So close.

Max, I told you how important

all those traditions are
to a Jewish family.

Yes, you told me about
tradition and family,

but none of that meant anything
until I felt that cold compress.

And she was nice enough
to put it on my head

and I felt what that feels like.

And then Bubby blew on my soup

before she ate the non-kosher cupcake.

Wait, Bubby ate a non-kosher cupcake?

It's a shanda!

It is a shanda.

I'm hoping shanda means

you're forgiven and
we'll pay you anyway.

We are not taking any money.

That's right, you're not
taking anything.

Except for this compress.

Feel better.

Now go, get out of my sight.

And don't wear short skirts.

Esther Rachel,

I wanna talk to you about your son

Shmuley's behavior today.

What are you talking about?

What did my Shmuley do?

I'll tell you what he did.

He became a man.

That's all he did.

Right, Caroline?

I'll say he became a man.

What are you talking about?

Shmuley!

Stay out of it,

this is not our family.

You and I don't have a family.

They still do.

Let the police tell her about him.

So about my Shmuley.

What do you have to say?

Mazel tov, he's a wonderful,
wonderful boy.

Oh, there you are.

Shmuley, David, say goodbye to
the cupcake girls.

Both: Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

So I see no Max.

She still out sick?

It's her first night back.

She should be here any minute.

Did you wanna order something

or wait for your boyfriend?

Oh, see, this is sad story.

Uh, he broke off with me
to date other woman.

And she had penis.

Yeah, I can't compete with that.

Hi, Earl.

There she is, my long lost love.

How you feeling, Max?

I'm pretty good.

Hey, Bubby.

I brought you some chicken soup

for taking care of me
the last couple days.

I enjoyed being your Bubby.

I guess you were wrong, Max.
You and I do have family--

each other.

We're not family until we have

to testify against each other
in a manslaughter trial.

Here, eat this.

I don't want you to
catch what I just had.

Not gonna happen, Max.

I took your advice.

I manned up.

I stared germs in the face.

That's right, when you got sick,
I got balls.

Booyah!

Like looking in a mirror.