2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 16 - And the Broken Hearts - full transcript

Max, Caroline, I have announcement.

You're actually much shorter
and are walking on stilts?

I have made a special menu

for tomorrow's
Valentine's night dinner.

Han, that's so romantic.

Yeah, romantic and wrong.

This place isn't
When Harry met Sally.

It's "When Harry met Salmonella."

Max, Club Sandwich.

And heads up... I lost a band-aid.

Theme menu means
I can charge one bigger price,

like in top restaurants.

See?
"Prick fix."

Oh, Han, it's pronounced "prix fixe."

Have you seen our chef?

It's definitely "prick fix."

Tomorrow night,

Cupid will come
to Williamsburg diner.

Didn't have the heart
to tell him Cupid is dead.

Yep, hit by a mack truck

crossing
the Brooklyn-Queens expressway...

His fat, diapered baby ass

splattered all over the windshield.

I love Valentine's Day.

That's your reaction?
I killed Cupid.

You're either romantic or not.

I'm not even going to try
to convince you.

Oh, he's dead.
And the proof...

When's the last time you knew
anyone who fell in love?

Real love, like Ice Loves Coco.

How about them?

They've been holding hands and
romantic whispering all night.

Their romantic whispering
goes like this.

"I own nipple clamps."

Plink!
Cupid's not dead.

Plink!
There goes his little arrow.

Plink, plink!

Clamp, ouch!
Clamp, ouch!

Clamp, clamp!
Ouch, ouch!

{pub}Max, since it's just after midnight,

it's now officially Valentine's Day.

I've got something in here
for you... guess what it is.

Well, judging from
that smile on your face,

I'd say it's a finger-sized hole
in your apron.

Candy hearts!
Here, hold out your hand.

Let's get our heart on.

I'm way ahead of you.

"Be mine"... classic.
What's yours say?

"Caroline Channing is lame.

"I hate you for giving me this.

Valentine's Day is the worst."

Ooh, cinnamon.
Mmm.

Good evening, Earl.

My, my, my, Sophie,

seeing you in that dress
makes my heart race.

Two scoops of ice cream
in a one scoop cone.

Oh, Earl, you make me smile.

I wish we had black people in
Poland when I was growing up.

Too bad.

We really would have enjoyed
segregation and Hitler.

Oh, hi, building neighbors.

Well, I was just driving by,
and since it was raining,

I thought I could offer you two girls

a ride home in my town car.

The last time
someone offered me a ride,

I ended up in
a drainage pipe in Jersey.

Sophia, you rent a town car?

Yes, but only when it's raining,

because, you know, I got hair
extensions and nail extensions,

and, you know, I...
I'm too extended to walk.

Hello.
I saw you from kitchen.

You turned pick-up window
into painting.

Plink!

Velvet painting of nude at counter.

Clamp, ouch!

The girls tell me
you own cleaning service.

I would like to hire you
to clean my house.

Oh, yeah, this is possible.

I will send girl.
What is your address?

I don't want some girl.

I want you to come clean.

Oh, you cannot get me to come.

Oh, I can get you to come.

No, I can no longer come anymore.

No, Max and Caroline can come.

No, no, we're not coming.

So no one can get you to come?

Well, some people
can get me to come...

Just not you.

Hard to get... I like it.

Go get the coats.
I'll get this check.

Here's the last check, Earl.

Oh, Max, can you take care
of that for me, please?

Sure. Why?

Uh, nothing pressing...
Just having a heart attack.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Wait, you're having a heart attack?

Most definitely.

I've had three in my life.
We're old friends.

Earl, you're having a heart attack.

I'll be fine.
Have you seen my tangerine?

I had a tangerine set aside
for my walk home.

Forget the tangerine.

Earl's having a heart attack!

Sophie, we're taking
the town car to the hospital.

Earl, when did the pain start?

When I saw Sophie in that dress.

Oh, hell, no!

Why is this line so long?
Did the new iPhone come out?

Let's just get him over there.

Max, anything you can do
to move this along?

Move!
Celebrity coming through.

Morgan Freeman having a heart attack.

He is having a heart attack.

On a scale of one to ten,
what's your pain?

Uh, two, we were
just in the neighborhood,

looking for a place to have jell-o.

I was talking to Morgan Freeman.

Take him now!

Sir, he has a history
of heart trouble.

All right, we'll get him in.

Earl, go with the nurse.

Damn, it's a man.

We'll be right out here, Earl.
Everything is gonna be okay.

Have a seat and wait.

Look at me, Gingerbread.
If anything happens to him,

I will staple your nut sack
to that chair.

{pub}That's right... it's me again.

For the tenth time, he's fine.

He had a minor attack,
but he's in good hands.

I would know... I had both
of my heart attacks here.

I want to go back there
and see for myself.

Family members only.

Well, I'm his daughter.

Oh, really? It says here
he's 75 years old...

Well, he started late.

And African-American.

He started late with a honky.
I'm one of those combo babies.

Here...

You need proof?

My last name is Black, see?
Max Black.

He's black.
I'm Black.

It'd be dumb if we weren't related.

Can I just get back
to playing Angry Birds?

You are yammering on here
about nothing

while the love of my life
is back there alone and scared.

You said he was your father.

Now he's the love of your life?

He's both.
We're from the South.

Have a seat.

I got us two lattes.
It took forever.

The guy in front of me
missed his kidney transplant

waiting for a mocha frappuccino.

- Any news?
- The same.

But they won't let me back there.
I even told him Earl was my father.

Now's my chance.
Nurse Chewbacca's on the move.

I'm going back there.

If you see anyone about
to notice me sneak by,

draw all the attention to yourself.

Max, I don't know if I can do that.

You're right.
That's kind of my thing.

- Okay, let me think.
- You don't have time to think.

Just throw the coffees
against the wall.

That's ridiculous.

I graduated top of my class
at Wharton.

I can do better than that.

Paging Dr. Bender.
Paging Dr. Bender, please.

Oh, my God!

Those were not nonfat.

Earl!

- You in here?
- Max, is that you?

Ain't you sweet?

But you didn't have
to wait around for me.

This is Narcissus.

She's from the Fiji Islands

and gives one hell of a sponge bath.

Hi.
Can we have a minute alone?

Earl, do you think
this is a good time

to have a sponge bath...
I mean, in your condition?

Max, when they look like that,

there's never a bad time
for a sponge bath.

- So are you doing okay now?
- Pretty good.

The doctor said it was a mild one,

but I'm going to have
to stay here a couple nights.

Could you find out how much
extra for me to get my own room?

A private room?

The last time I was
in one of these places,

the guy in the bed next to me
thought he was a parrot

and asked me for crackers
the whole damn night.

Done. I'll get you your own room.

And don't worry about the expenses.

I got a little money
stashed away for a rainy day.

I am not using your money.

But let me guess,
"rainy day" is a strain of weed?

Now you're getting it.

I'll see you later.

Don't die, or I'll kill you.

So what, now you want a private room?

How's he going to pay for that?

Oh, so that old man has
to be the only man in America

who has to pay his medical bills?

Mr. Freeman's done
a lot of successful movies.

I don't think your sarcastic
attitude is very professional.

"Professional"?

Um, an hour ago,
your little thug friend here

threatened to cut me so deep,
I'd have a vagina.

That offer still stands.

She's upset.
And vagina's her go-to.

Well, the only reason
I haven't called security

is they were laid off two weeks ago.

What is your name?

Tig.

And it's fake,
so good luck with that.

Sir, you're representing

the Shecter family wing
of this hospital.

My family knows the Schecters.

In fact, their son David
interns here,

and if I made a call,
he would not be pleased.

If you know them,

why are we talking
to this lump behind a desk?

Suck it, red face!
We're going over your head!

How do you like me now, bitch?

Hey, get your phone.

See if he can swing Earl
a private room.

I think I still have his cell number.

We went out a few times
until I realized he was serious

about going down that pro Bono route.

- Did you two have sex?
- No.

Sweet, that's what you
can offer him for the room.

That's amazing.

Someone found a florist
that delivers after midnight.

That's not so amazing.

I know a guy
named "Sticky Icky" Ricky

who delivers
exclusively after midnight.

You know, I just realized
this is the first Valentine's Day

I won't get flowers from my father.

Aw, that's cute,
with a big old side of creepy.

No, it's sweet.

Every year
from the time I was a baby,

and even when I had boyfriends,

I'd get flowers from my father
with a card that says,

"You'll always be my Valentine."

I got a sweet Valentine from
a guy I liked in high school.

It said, "I'll give you
five bucks to lift your shirt."

Caroline...
Hey, I'll be right with you.

There he is.
Cuter than I remember.

Hey. Wow.

When I heard your voice mail,
I couldn't believe it.

Yes, well, I wasn't sure
you'd want to come down,

because...
you know...

You dumped me two years ago?

Well, "dumped" is a strong word.

Tore my heart out,
shook it in front of my face.

That any softer?

Hate to interrupt
the "perfect white teeth" convention,

but we're in a hurry.

David, this is my friend Max.

A friend of ours was admitted,

and we were hoping
to get him a private room.

Oh, so you're not here to return

my Dartmouth t-shirt
you stole from me.

You gave that to me.

No, I didn't!
I love that shirt.

I feel like I lost custody
of it in a divorce,

and now I'm like a deadbeat dad.

How about the room?
Any chance?

Please.
Pretty please.

Oh, well, since
you said "pretty please,"

I'll see what I can do.

We should be clear.
We can't pay.

We're broke...
both of us.

But I'm sure
you heard that somewhere.

Yeah...

Everywhere.

David, I hope your family
didn't lose any money

with my father.
Did they?

Nope, still filthy rich.

And I can do my best to burn
some filthy off that rich,

by getting your friend a V.I.P. room.

I'll just drop some names.

By that, I mean my own.

Shouldn't be a problem.

I love Jews.

Yeah, we're generous.
Spread the word.

Uh, if you wouldn't mind
giving Narcissus my whereabouts?

Did you see the look on
that desk lump's big, red face

when I pushed you by him?

I did, but I think
throwing him the finger

was a tad out of line.

Wow, Dr. David really hooked us up.

Yeah, this is like an episode
I.C.U. Edition.

So, Earl, what do you think?

Good lord, is that a Matisse?

- I believe so.
- Then, mama, I'm home.

{pub}Here, ladies, put
these suckers in your station.

I think I might get
a late Valentine dinner crowd.

You also think you might
get a late growth spurt,

but that's not happening either.

At best,
you'll get three single girls

waddling over at midnight
to cry into some tapioca.

True.
I need to cut the crap.

Valentine's dinner is bust.

And look, I have sacrificed
my manhood for no cash value.

But your wings are adorable.

Yes, but matching panties
are suffocating the boys.

Come on, close early.

We've only got
one table of twi-hards.

I want to go see Earl.

Oh, what the hell?
I love my man Earl, too.

So screw it.
Let's fly over there.

Ooh, this isn't like
the hospitals in Poland.

The lights are working.

Okay, sit down.
I'll take you in one at a time.

All right, Cupid, you're first.

Oh, don't wake him.
Go back out.

Angels.
Oh, lord, no.

Thank God it's you, Han.

I saw the wings,
and I thought heaven was filled

with chunky Chinese cherubs
and no jazz.

Oh, okay, great.
I'll see you in five.

I'm gonna go meet Dr. David.

Oh, wait a second.

If you're going to go meet man,
you need lip gloss.

Oh, thanks, Sophie.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Okay.

I have Valentine gift
I want to give you.

Oh, hepatitis "C"?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Look at me.
Now look at you.

Now look at me again.

Does this look right to you?

Hard to get... I like it.

Oh, hey.
So how's your friend doing?

Good.
And thanks for that V.I.P. room.

He feels like a million bucks,
which I'm sure is what it costs,

so I brought you
a little thank-you gift.

That is not my Dartmouth shirt.

No, that's held hostage
at the townhouse.

This says Williamsburg.
That's where I live now.

No way.
That's where I live.

Yeah, I moved there
just to piss my father off,

but I wound up loving it.

I wound up loving it, too.

Hey, maybe we could see
each other there sometime...

You know, go out?

Yeah, I don't think so.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, what?

Look, Caroline,
it's been really great

getting to reconnect with you, but...

I don't see this happening again.

Oh.

I mean, it's my parents.

With your father in prison,
the whole scandal,

I could never bring you home.

Not even just
to piss off your father?

I mean, me dating Caroline Channing...
What would people think?

I hope you understand.
Oh, hey, thanks for the tee.

Nice of everyone to stop by.

Didn't see Caroline.
She busy tonight?

Oh, no, she's here.

She's out there running around,
trying to swing a boyfriend situation

with her doctor friend
who got us the V.I.P. hook-up.

What about you, Max?

No sweetheart on Valentine's Day.

I worry about you.

Be nice if you had someone special.

I already do.

Ah, Max, I'm only going to be
around another 30 or 40 years.

You better widen the net a bit.

Visiting hours are up.
Friends have to leave.

She can stay, nurse.
She's family.

Earl, I'm family?

Yes, and the best kind of family.
You don't want my money.

Hey, Earl.
You look really good.

So did you and Dr. Dave
do it in a hospital closet?

All very "Grey's Monotony"?

No, that won't be happening.

I asked him out and
he said he could never date me,

because of my father
and "what would people think?"

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, what?

I feel like I was just hit

by the same mack truck
that killed Cupid.

Well, somebody's about
to get hit by a truck...

A Max truck.

Hey, you, Dr. I-Forget-Your-Name.

How?
It's written on every wall.

Okay, Dr. Exit.

What is wrong with you?
Doctors are supposed to be sensitive.

I mean, it's Valentine's Day,
and she has nothing.

Couldn't you be like
every other guy on the planet

and just lead her on
and not call her the next day?

That is the decent thing to do.

And for the record, she is
so hopped up on candy hearts,

you would have gotten some
tonight, fo' sho!

You just made the biggest
mistake of your life.

Well, I guess nobody knows me
better than you,

girl I've never met before.

And now I would like to speak
to the pro Bono part of you,

who understands
that nothing I just said

should affect that man
in the V.I.P. room.

That was actually
a very cool thing to do.

Earl is fine.
Don't worry.

And as far as Caroline goes,
I'm sorry, but...

Her father hurt a lot of people.

Whatever you put out there
comes back to you.

Ugh.

What now... you gonna threaten
to feed me my nipples again?

No.

Actually, someone just said something

about the things
you do coming back to you,

and I decided the smart move
was to apologize.

Thanks, but it's not necessary.

Actually, you're the nicest
person I've dealt with tonight.

Ugh.
Rough job, dude.

Here, Happy Valentine's Day.

You want to go out sometime?

Why would...

Yeah, give me your number.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Sleeping in
that hospital chair all night

wasn't that uncomfortable.

No, the chairs weren't.

Your sad Valentine whimpering was.

- So how you feeling this morning?
- Pretty good,

considering I survived
the very first Valentine's Day

I didn't get flowers from my father.

Ugh.

So you got one year under your belt.

Don't get so cocky.

You still have
to make 23 more to tie me.

You know, all this time,
I've been feeling sorry for you

'cause you didn't know your father,

but after seeing
how you took care of Earl...

I feel sorry for your father
that he didn't know you.

You would have been
a wonderful daughter.

Don't hold that thought.

I don't want to cry till after
we break open the tapioca.

No, I didn't just win
a beauty contest.

No, these were left
on the front doorstep.

They're both addressed to Caroline.

- Sorry, Max.
- Oh, no, that's cool.

Wouldn't want to break
my winning streak.

Oh, well, just look at it this way.

She got the flowers.
You got the knockers.

All right, girls,

well, I'm off to buy scratchers

before all
the Puerto Ricans get them.

"You'll always be my Valentine.

Love, Daddy."

Aw.

The other one from Dr. Dave?

Change his mind
after I tore him a new one?

It's from my father as well,
but it's written to you.

"Thank you for taking such
good care of my sweetheart.

M. Channing."

That is so sweet.

Roses from a man.

Now I'm starting to get it.

Is it weird that I kind of want
to have sex with your dad?

Plink!