2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 14 - And the Upstairs Neighbor - full transcript

Pick up... chicken breasts.

The way I know you want it,
with the bone in.

We really should
hold a seminar

about sexual harassment
in the workplace.

Why? He's already
so good at it.

I'm serious.
How'd he like it

if we did that to him
every time we ordered?

Well,
let's find out.

Ordering.

One pastrami.

Can you do me a favor,
doll-face?

Make it so big and thick, you
can't get your mouth around it.

Can you do that
for me?

Yes,
and two matzo ball soups,

hold the balls.

Wait,
I'll hold the balls,

you just sit there
and look pretty.

And a cream of...

nope, can't.
Just grossed myself out.

When is it
going to get dirty?

*

Max, come out.

If I came out,
it would not be for you,

it's be for that
hot dragon tattoo girl.

Welcome, board members,
to the very first

financial assessment meeting
of Max's homemade cupcakes.

I was told
there would be a cheese plate.

After five months
in business,

we're showing a profit
of $725.

I have to say,
I'm a little disappointed.

Really? 'Cause, dude,
we have so far exceeded

where I thought we'd be
in five months.

Look, we have to find a way
to make more money on the side

to put into the business.

Or we could quit now,
while we're a success.

What are you
talking about?

It's only
gonna get worse.

Or it could get better.
Why would you even say that?

Because it's life, and life
gets worse, that's what it does.

On life's resume,
under special skills it says,

"good at
making things worse."

- Do you always go to
the worst-case scenario?

Yup.
On my resume it says,

"good at going to
the worst case scenario."

Do you think you could try
to be more optimistic,

and not expect the worst
all the time?

Who's that?
More optimistic, right?

On the other side of that door
is all the money you lost,

and then we move back
into your townhouse,

and I masturbate in your tub
for a change.

It was twice,
and you could have knocked.

Who is it?

Detective James, NYPD.

Wait, don't open it!
Don't open it!

Oh, smoked it tuesday.
Open.

Sorry to bother you, miss.
Do you live in this apartment?

I'm gonna tell you right now,
officer,

our names
aren't on the lease.

We're an illegal sublet
with no place else to go.

Please, mercy.

Sorry, officer,
it's her first raid.

Relax, the landlord
didn't send me.

What do you know about

the tenant who lives in the
apartment directly above you?

His name is Lou.

Leo?

Saul?

Am I even close?

His name's
Nirham Chaduri.

Oh, man, I wasn't even
on the right continent.

Is that Nirham Chaduri?

Been dead for two weeks.
Lived alone, nobody knew.

Cats eat his face?

Max, could you please
not be so dark?

Kittens eat his face?

What? I'm just trying to put
a more positive spin on things.

Where are you going
with that?

That's my good China
with huckleberry hound on it.

I'm making
a "hello" cupcake plate

for our neighbors
across the hall.

Oh, no, you're not.

It's weird
not to know your neighbors.

No, it's weird
not to know your father,

but by the time you're four,
you get over it and move on.

This is a mistake.

Who knows what's lurking
behind that door?

Yes, something awful,
like nice people,

who might look out for us,
or say, "hello," in the hallway

when they see you.

No matter what
comes out of there,

I will not be "hello-ing" it up
in the hallway.

You got lucky.
Get back in here.

Who is it, please?

- Caroline,
your next-door neighbor.

Hi.

Uh, is this a bad time?

Not at all.

One sec.
Hi.

I just wanted to introduce
myself and my roommate, Max.

There, and give you
these cupcakes.

That is so nice.

Well, it's the leash...
least... least I can do.

Well, I gotta go.

Well, if we ever get a dog,
we know who can walk it.

- Listen.
- I know.

It's only been
a few days,

and somebody's already moved in
upstairs.

And they are
playing music!

Music is coming
through the floor into my ears.

I blame you for this.

When you knocked on that door
across the hall,

you might have
opened a portal to hell.

There, you hear
the devil music?

I think
it's the bee gees.

Exactly.

And walking!

Walking and music,
we have to stop this right now.

It's 10:00, people are allowed
to walk and play music.

Your lack
of apartment knowledge

is really starting
to piss me off.

We have to show him right now
not to screw us.

I need paper.

- What are you doing?
I mean, besides over-reacting?

Writing
a threatening note.

If we don't shut this down now,
next thing you know,

someone's having
an academy awards party

in your living room.

Is that what you want?

Strangers passing out
mini Oscar statues

that say, "best nachos?"

"I have
an unregistered gun

and can shoot you
through the floor"?

You're coming in
really hot, Max.

We're not giving him this.

It'll start a bad dynamic
between us.

God, how I miss
the quiet, dead indian guy.

Okay, we're gonna
hit and run.

Oh, you mean
"run," literally.

Shh, listen.

Reading the note,

freaking out...

Music off,
problem solved.

Respect!
Never doubt, never doubt.

Crossing the floor
to the door,

Closing the door,

Coming down the stairs,

What do we do?

Move?

What's he look like?

He's got his finger
over the peephole.

Okay, game on. Back up!

This is my building,
I've got to take it back.

- Max, this is life, not
call of duty: Modern warfare 3.

Move.

What is meaning
of this horrible, horrible note?

Oh, you're not a man?

What kind of question
is this?

Do I look like a man?

No, but you clump around
up there like a man.

Max, please.

Did you write
this horrible, horrible note?

I did.

First day
in my new home

and I'm given this horrible,
horrible note, with threats.

Well, they're not
actually threats.

"I will gut you
like a hog."

To be clear,
I only skimmed the note.

Everything was happening
so fast.

Listen, we've obviously
gotten off to a bad start.

Please come in.

Why would I want to come in
with you horrible, horrible...

ooh, cupcake land.
Ooh.

Yes, we have
a cupcake business.

We're just starting,
but doing well.

Max is the baker.
Say hello, Max.

I know people
in the mob.

That's Max, and I'm Caroline.
You are?

Sophie Kuchenski.

Is that a polish accent
I'm detecting?

Yes.

I visited Warsaw once,
I love it.

Oh, 'cause I hate it.
Rats and pimps.

Why have you
not yet offered me cupcake?

It's the least thing you can do,
after horrible, horrible note.

Oh, sure.
Chocolate or vanilla?

Yes.

Why such sourpuss?

Sorry about that.
It's just, we work long hours

at the neighborhood diner,
and Max has another job as well,

and then she comes home and
she has to make the cupcakes.

Mmm.
So good.

Mmm.

How could someone so angry
make something so sweet?

She's not always
like this.

I'm usually like this,
just ask the previous tenant.

Oh, wait.
You can't.

You know, you two girls
are like these cupcakes.

One is dark and heavy
and one is light and fluffy.

I prefer the fluffy one.

Well, I think we've
made our point.

No music, no clumping,
I'll shoot you

through the floor,
thanks for stopping by.

I'm so glad we can
joke with each other already.

Sorry about the note,
can we start ov...

you have
the chanel allure lip gloss?

Yeah.

Mm, you know the chanel?

Know? Love.
I can't afford it any more.

Oh, take one.
I got handfuls in my bag.

Really?

Oh, that's so nice.

Both: Ahh.

Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Do I have to put you
on a leash?

Hey, we start again.

You take a chanel,
and I take more cupcakes to go.

Oh, sure.

Yes.

*

I knew it.
Bitch played us for cupcakes.

It's 3:00 A.M.
Why are you dressed?

Never took off my clothes,
'cause soldiers don't.

We have to be ready
when the enemy attacks.

Okay, you were right,
I was wrong.

Why do you have the broom?

'Cause I ran out
of finger bullets.

Wait, you're gonna fall.

I can't believe
we have a broom.

All this time I've been sweeping
with an us weekly.

I knew this would happen,
but I didn't say anything,

'cause you were all, "Max is
the worst-case scenario."

Well, we showed weakness
and now, look.

And by "we,"
I mean "you."

Deal with this,
cupcake thief!

Yeah, one more time,
and hard.

Okay, now she broke our house.
We're in a war.

She wants a piece of me,
she's gonna get it.

Where are my heels?

I mean,
who did she think I am?

Someone she can just buy off
with a tube of chanel?

Well, your legs
did kind of snap back

over your head pretty quick
when she offered it.

I thought you were
man with pizza.

You have a porch swing
in there.

You have
an electric cigarette.

What is it
you two girls want?

Uh, I forgot.

Just so thrown by the swing
and the everything.

Oh, you're taking advantage
of us

by still playing that music
after we talked.

You two are harshing
my marshmallow.

So I'm gonna have to call
my friend the landlord tomorrow

and tell him about
the horrible, horrible note.

Mmm.

Oh, my God,
she's a hooker.

I've been using
a hooker's lip gloss.

She's not a hooker.

Oh, good.

She's too old,
she's a madame.

You've been using
an old hooker's lip gloss.

Max, look, my lip.

Is this something?
I feel like I'm getting one.

For the last time,
you cannot get a herpes breakout

in under ten hours.

- You're right, now I'm jumping
to the worst-case scenario.

Maybe her lip gloss
wasn't a herpes breeding ground.

Maybe she's not a prostitute.
Maybe those young girls

weren't being held there
against their will.

Yeah, maybe she just
has sleepovers

with women on swings
in the their nighties.

You know,
like people do.

Welcome
to Williamsburg diner.

How many in your party?

What kind of question
is this?

One,
I am my own party.

I take booth.

Now, now, who is that
over there?

Our new
upstairs neighbor.

Earl, does she look
like a prostitute to you?

Well, I don't like to
judge a book by its cover,

but if she was a book,

she'd be the kind
that other books pay for sex.

Sophie just came in,
Earl thinks she's a hooker,

and now my lip is feeling
very courtney love.

I invited her here
for a free meal,

we have to make this work out
for us.

Last night, she threatened to
call her "friend," the landlord,

and that can
never happen.

We're illegal tenants,

and I'd rather have a noisy roof
over my head than no roof.

Let me do the talking.

You're too upset, and you might
say something insulting.

Like what?
"Hi, thanks for the lip gloss

"and the series of
uncomfortable conversations

with every lover I'll have
for the rest of my life."

You don't need
to tell them,

they'll figure it out
eventually.

Hi, thanks for coming in.

I like the uniforms.

You fill out
the front nicely,

and you with no boobs,
short-short skirts.

Smart girls.

Uh, we just wanted to
offer you a free dinner,

as our way of
apologizing.

So are you ready
to order?

What kind of question
is this?

Did you see
this horrible, horrible menu?

We can't have
nice conversation here.

Tomorrow I take you
to nice place, my treat.

Oh, you don't have
to do that.

No, no, I, too,
want to apologize.

You know, after you two left
the other night,

some of my girls said
that I was harsh on you.

Yes, all those girls
work for me.

Excuse me, I have to go
to the ladies' room right now

and look at my lips.

Thank you so much
for inviting us.

Are you enjoying
that beluga?

Mmm, so much. Thank you.

I haven't had caviar
in forever. Mmm.

Legs over your head much?

So, sourpuss,
you don't like caviar?

No, I'm more of
a cheeseburger kind of girl.

- Oh.
- This place is busy.

The waiters must
make a fortune.

Oh, yeah,
300, 350 a night.

What do you girls make?

60 to 80
on a good night.

And how do you expect you will
accomplish cupcake business

on money like this?

Well,
we're just starting out.

Yes, but at this rate,
it will take forever.

You know, I, too,
have big dream.

I am building summer house
by lake in Poland.

You want to see?

Oh, you have pictures?

No, I have house.

This is model
from the architect.

And I take it everywhere I am,
to remember where I'm going.

It's cool.

See, girls like you
should be making more money.

Maybe you could consider
coming to work for me.

- Sophie!
- Oh.

Thank you for sending girl
to my apartment yesterday.

Oh, did she do the job?

Oh, like no one
ever before.

Down on all fours,
under, over,

under again.
Oh!

Well, my girls don't leave
until you're satisfied.

Maybe she can come
two times a week.

She can come
whenever you want her to come.

Are these
two of your girls?

Well, we were just
discussing that.

Well, this one here looks like
she can take a lot.

Uh, thanks?

My friend Yanni
is at the bar.

Since his divorce, he's
in great need of your service.

Prosze.
Oh, yes.

Uh, excuse me, and, um,
don't touch my house.

I can't believe
she would actually consider

asking us
to be prostitutes.

I know.

I mean, me, I get,
but you, I don't see it.

You heard the guy, I look like
I could "take a lot."

Max, it's not funny.

Isn't it bad enough i may hurt bees

from her chanel gloss?

Of course we're not
gonna do it, but come on,

you'd be
a terrible hooker.

Thank you,
I would be a terrible hooker.

I have a heart, and soul,
and dreams,

and want to fall in love
and have a family.

Oh, just say it,
you're bad in bed.

Let's get out of here.

I mean, really,
who does she think I am?

Someone who would just
sell myself to have nice things?

Let me just suck down a little
more of this, and we're off.

If we
walk out of here now,

we can just keep walking
to the homeless shelter.

Well, I'd rather
be homeless than a hooker.

Here she comes.
Sit down!

Let's thank her
and politely decline.

Okay, back to
what we were discussing.

Uh, thanks.

We appreciate the offer,
but we are going to pass.

So you don't want to
accomplish your dream?

Well, uh, I'm not exactly sure
those two things line up,

but thanks.

I thought you were
smart girls.

We are smart girls,

and smart girls
don't have to sell their bodies

to accomplish
their goals.

Not that there's anything
wrong with that.

It works for you, but us?

Well, she's bad in bed
and I have a sour puss.

What guy wants to
pay for that?

You think
I am prostitute?

No, everyone has swings
with girls in pajamas.

My business card.

Home cleaning service.

She runs
a cleaning company.

"Sophie's choice."

You realize
what this means?

- We insulted
a hard-working woman

who was trying to help us
attain our goal?

Yes.

And I don't have herpes!

I should have
listened to you.

Meeting neighbors
is a big mistake.

And meeting neighbors
and calling them a prostitute?

Bigger mistake.

Plus, we have to kick in
60 for the check.

What can we
possibly say to her?

That we're sorry, and please
keep playing the bee gees

day or night
as loud as she wants.

Not a good idea
to be smiling right now.

I'm just so happy
I don't have herpes.

Hi, is this
a bad time?

Yes. Yes, I'm in the middle of
having sex for money

with every man
in Brooklyn.

What do you horrible,
horrible girls want?

Here, you left
part of your dream on the table.

And we want
to apologize.

I'm new at this whole
being neighborly thing.

What does the fluffy one
have to say?

Thank you for being
so generous,

and for offering to help us
make more money

to accomplish our dream.

And this is supposed
to make me feel better?

You called me prostitute.

Actually,
it's kind of a compliment

that we thought
you were stunning enough

that men would pay
to have sex with you.

This is true.

Come on in.

* Thinking about
those people... *

Saturday night fever
is my favorite movie.

Look at him.
He's so sexy.

He's not that cute,
kind of oily.

You're right.

She would have made
terrible prostitute.

That's a nice TV.

- Yeah, brand-new.

I have all my girls over
the other night

for viewing sleepover party.

It's also 3-d.

- Does it come with
3-d glasses?

Yeah,
in the drawer there.

- Here.
- Max, it's not a 3-d movie.

- Who cares?
It's 3-d glasses.

Come on,
you're always talking about

wanting us to see things
differently.

Oh, so cool.

This swing
is a brilliant idea.

Yeah, it's for my porch
at lake house.

But why wait?

Dream is now.

*

- * ha-a-ah

* more than a woman