2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 13 - And the Secret Ingredient - full transcript
In the midst of her new obsession with couponing, Caroline discovers the secret ingredient to Max's cupcakes.
One steak sandwich
and a cheeseburger with muenster cheese.
We're out of muenster.
Oh, since when?
Well, let's see, the
diner opened in '82.
So '82.
Hi, sorry but we're out of muenster.
Seriously, dude?
I wanted muenster.
Sorry, we have cheddar,
Swiss or American.
I hate cheddar and Swiss blows.
Well...Then American?
American cheese?
What am I, at grade school?
Yeah, go to the principal's office.
I can't have another idiot
up my ass right now.
It's at capacity.
Max, I got this.
Would you like to see the menu again?
This is crap, okay, I wanted muenster.
Well, I wanted to be running
a Fortune 500 company
instead of waiting on a toxic
man-child like yourself.
But, we can't always get what we want.
So, order something else,
put it in your pie hole
and get on with your damn life.
Welcome to waitress.
We've been expecting you.
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #
Here you go, table ten, Earl.
Have any exciting plans for tomorrow?
Just trying to not die in my sleep, Max.
How about you?
I'm going to visit Caroline's horse.
He was adopted by a rich white lady
who could give him everything
we couldn't afford to.
Which is everything.
White people will adopt anything.
I figured out the best
way to go see Chestnut.
We take the J train to the 4,
the 4 to Grand Central,
change trains to Riverdale
and walk three blocks to
his fancy new stable.
Sounds exotic. Do I need a travel shot?
No, but there's a dicey
underpass at Grand Central
where we might get shot.
I am so excited to see my baby again.
Me too.
In the Lifetime movie version,
we get there and Chestnut likes
his new home better and then we cry.
Excuse me, Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
I'm Rhya, I'm a little embarrassed.
I just got my period.
Mazel tov.
Do either of you have a tampon?
Not me.
I just go off into the
woods and don't come out
until it's over.
I have one.
I'm so sorry to bother you guys.
No problem, "Sisterhood of
the Traveling Panty Shields"
Actually, no, I don't have one.
Here's a quarter, there's
a tampon machine
in the ladies' room. Thanks.
Pick up, table six.
I couldn't help overhear.
I have tampon.
Oleg, why do you have a tampon?
Same reason I carry a lighter,
even though I don't smoke.
Feels good to be the hero.
Sorry, again, but do you
have any more change?
It's 75 cents.
It's a quarter.
75. Says so on the machine.
It better not or I'm about
to rage against the machine.
What?
Han, I need to see you in here now.
But that is the ladies' room.
You're fine.
Women bring their little boys
in here all the time.
Everybody decent?
Man in the ladies' room.
I apologize for personal intrusion.
You don't have to cover your eyes.
It's a ladies' room,
not a solar eclipse.
Max, why do you want to see me
in this inappropriate meeting place?
This is why. The tampon machine.
Oh, this is not man topic.
I do not wish to discuss
time of the month
when ladies must chase the cotton mouse.
Chase the cotton mouse?
Geeze, where'd you get
your sex education?
Lambchop's playalong?
Han, you changed the price of tampons?
Yes, this is not appropriate talk.
No, this is not appropriate action.
They've been a quarter forever.
Look how old this machine is.
Harriet Tubman used to
get her tampons here.
I'm a businessman.
Emphasis on the man.
I do not belong in here.
Hey, hey!
Don't make me chase you,
you little khaki mouse.
Look, han, everyone knows
there are certain things
that people need in an emergency
that you never raise the price on.
Things like what?
Off the top of my head,
tampons and 40-ounce beers.
Max, why are you so upset?
It is only two more quarters.
Han, that's a 200% price hike.
That's outrageous.
You're taking advantage of women.
If men were the ones who got periods,
tampons would be thrown free
from floats like Mardi Gras beads.
I went to Mardi Gras once... I was 11.
My mom and her new
boyfriend wanted to go,
and they needed a designated driver.
Earl, I need a man's opinion.
Is it my right to raise the price
of any product in my diner?
What product are we talking about?
Tampons.
Oh, brother.
Uh, you gotta just relax and butt out.
Trust me.
I been in this situation a long time.
Remember Aunt Flo?
That was my aunt.
Han, just because you can take advantage
of a business situation,
doesn't mean you should.
It is law of supply and demand.
Fine, then I demand you roll
back the price on the supply.
Come on han, don't be so 1% about it.
You think occupy Wall
Street was a big deal?
Wait till you see occupy tampon.
We only protest once a month,
but it's an intense five to seven days.
Got it. Found the milk.
And I found it even
faster than the butter.
You know they're not hiding it from you.
It's a grocery store, not a
sorority scavenger hunt.
Grocery shopping is so fun.
When I was little, I always wondered
where this stuff came from.
What's that?
Birthday card for my mom.
Aww, let me see.
"Get better soon"?
I thought you said it
was a birthday card.
It is, that's the only one that seemed
appropriate for our relationship.
Do you really want your mom to get
a get well card on her birthday?
Okay...Here's one with a
strawberry, that's fine.
It's really about the
50 bucks inside anyway.
That makes me sad.
Sad? I can fix that.
Have a treat, it'll
perk you right back up.
Max, you just stabbed a bag of candy.
That's okay, they'll just think a gang
came through and did it.
A candy gang?
What, like the sour patch kids?
Just step away and pretend
you didn't do it.
That's what you do.
We just need to grab ten boxes
of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.
Why would we need to do that?
Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.
I thought the cupcakes were homemade.
They are, I make them in my home.
You've been using a boxed cake mix?
Relax, I only use it when I'm tired.
And I add a secret ingredient
of my own to the mix
that makes them irresistible.
So you have no shame using
the store-bought mix?
I've no shame about anything.
Shame is overrated like Ke$ha.
In fact, they should
rename shame "keshame"
I just bought a Ke$ha
album, I'm so keshamed.
Shouldn't there be someone
to do this for us?
Oh, he's probably in the aisle
cleaning up after the candy gang.
There was no candy gang in here tonight.
That was a sneaky
customer, now wasn't it?
Hey, look.
For Chestnut, I can't wait.
I got him the kind with tops
on them, like Bugs Bunny.
He'll be so excited when he
sees the two of us tomorrow.
I know.
I was talking about me and the carrots.
All right now, your total is $70.49.
Wow, that seems like a lot.
I don't make the prices, now do I?
No, I was just commenting.
Well, it's not CNN, now is it?
- Here, give her the coupons.
- The coupons?
Yeah, here.
Max, you use coupons?
I had no idea.
You're looking at me like
I'm on To Catch a Predator.
We don't need to use those, I
have my tip money right here.
What are you talking
about, I have coupons.
Here, take them.
I...I have...
I can't, I don't want to.
I've fallen so far, I
can't fall any further.
Don't make me.
There's no need to go
down a keshame spiral.
Hi, she has coupons.
Oh, now you tell me you have coupons?
Should have told me
before, now shouldn't ya?
I didn't wanna tell you
at all, she made me.
Now didn't ya?
Look, it's not a big deal.
Lots of people use coupons.
Coupons are for...
poor people, yes.
Like us.
People who stand at the cash register
and say things like,
"Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."
Your new total is $12.70.
Wait, it just went from $70 to $12?
Just like that?
The same food for less money?
The exact same food?
How is that even possible?
You used coupons, now didn't ya.
Max, coupons are genius.
I'm late, I know.
I just got a text from Chestnut.
"Where are you?
I'm wearing my best suit."
He spelled suit with a four, but
that's pretty good for a horse.
I have a good reason.
15 chicken pot pies.
Regular price: $1.47.
Coupon price: Free!
'Cause I bought 15 and used
the double coupon in-store sale combo.
Listen to me with the lingo already.
Reminds me of my first day
interning on Wall Street.
Chicken pot pies?
You don't even like them.
What does it matter if
I like them or not?
They were free.
It's free money.
Who doesn't like free money?
I don't know about free money,
but this is like watching someone
free base for the first time.
Chestnut's fine.
It's not a big deal.
Ooh, oh, I just got another
text from Chestnut.
"I'm so lonely, I just tried smoking."
We can go tomorrow.
In the Lifetime movie version,
we just missed the day we
were appointed by the court,
and Chestnut's new parents
move him out of town.
And we cry.
I get it, it's just
that after last night,
I woke up fascinated by
the concept of coupons.
So I did some research.
I found this woman online
who calls herself the
Williamsburg Coupon Queen.
Only she calls them "cue-pons."
Is that the correct way to pronounce it?
Eh, I'm gonna go with her way
after all, she is the queen.
Canned pumpkin?
Ten cans, double coupon,
five cents each.
Great, 'cause I'm always
lying in bed at night
thinking I wish I could crack
open a can of pumpkin.
Oh, and I found a coupon for
you to send your mom an
edible arrangement for her birthday.
A pretty pineapple daisy says so
much more than cash in a card.
And it's for 40% off the regular price.
That's perfect because my mom
was 40% off a regular mom.
And Max, I do have something
else for you in this bag.
Something that'll make you very happy.
Canned yams for when I get
tired of canned pumpkin?
Better, look.
Look out, Han Lee.
I'm about to get my tamp on.
Well well, if it isn't
everything that's wrong
with the current economy,
in a boys' v-neck sweater.
Oh, what do you think you are doing?
Oh, just putting straws
in the container...
In case, uh...
Just in case a woman might
suddenly need a straw
and not have 75 cents.
Those are not straws.
They do not belong in public.
Didn't your mother ever teach you
that is secret, no-no
private lady thing?
You can't even say the name.
Come on Wall Street, if you can sell it,
you should be able to
bring yourself to say it.
I will never speak of it.
Just say it. Tampon, tampon, tampon.
What's the big deal?
In Ukraine, there are
pop songs about it.
She's so pretty, she's so grouchy.
That is inappropriate counter display.
You take it down.
You take down the price and I will.
No, it is free market.
I charge what I want.
I am the boss.
Max, someone left a stack of
newspapers filled with cue-pons,
and look, a double for Duncan Hines.
Could this day get any better?
Oh, and tables four, seven
and eight want their checks.
Okay.
Have 'em ready right here.
Max, no, that is private!
Here's your check.
And a little something extra,
compliments of women without
three quarters everywhere.
Thank you very much.
I don't know about your flow,
so I gave you a regular and a super.
Max, have you no shame?
Nope.
Ladies, at that time of the month,
I invite you to think of this man.
This man, Han Lee, right over here.
The man who thinks your menses
should be more expenses.
Okay, okay, I will lower the price
back to a quarter.
And that is end of discussion, period.
Oh.
Tampons for everyone.
Max, you are the Norma
Rae of feminine hygiene.
It's so windy.
Choosing coupon shopping over
going to see your son again?
That's a keshame.
In the Lifetime movie version,
this is where they take you
away as an unfit mother.
And I don't cry.
I'm sorry, but I just saw
that all these cake mix
cue-pons expire today.
I'll be real quick.
Ten minutes, in and out.
If I had a cue-pon for every time
I heard that from a guy.
Here, start going through these papers
and look for the cake
mix double cue-pon.
If I combine these with
the in-store bonus,
not only will we get the
lower cue-pon mix price,
but they will actually give us $23 back!
I'll give you $24 to
stop saying cue-pon.
Come on, start pulling out
the ones for the cake mix.
It'll be a breeze.
No, that was a breeze.
My cue-pons!
The fact that you're more
worried about your coupons
than your hair shows
how far you've fallen.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
Max, it's the Williamsburg
cue-pon queen.
Where'd she leave her
crown, in the minivan?
This is so exciting.
I have to go pay my respects.
We don't have time for this.
Just throw the cake mix into the cart
or we'll miss the train.
There, calm down, have a treat.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me, your highness,
but aren't you the cue-pon queen?
Mm-hmm.
I'm Caroline.
Freddie, and I can't talk right now
because if I lose my place...
- you'll lose your mind!
- I'm gonna lose...My...Mind...
I know. You say that on your show.
I won't bother you, but I
think you'll be excited
when I tell you that
it's only my second day
and I already learned
how to make money on the
purchase of cake mix.
All I have to do is buy 40
boxes and we get the...
store bonus, yeah.
Cake mix... That's a rare cue-pon.
Where'd you find it?
Yesterday's circulars.
Didn't you see it?
I missed it.
Go to the truck and get the
stockpile of circulars.
Look at him go.
You're sweeping the shelves.
On your show, you said sweeping
the shelves was out of line.
Max!
These are mine, I was here first.
I think she's probably
gonna be here last,
so let's go, we don't need these.
We do, if we don't get 40 boxes,
they won't be free.
I've met actual queens and
this isn't royal behavior.
Max, she just body-checked me.
Push me again and I will report
you to the American embassy.
Max, get in here.
Oh, we got a problem?
Oh, we got a problem.
Oh, hell no!
What do we do?
You step away and pretend
you didn't do it.
That's what you do.
24, 25...
you're making me wait, now aren't ya?
Just till I get to 40.
26, 27, 28.
Come on, I'll buy it for you.
Come on, take up the bitch on his offer
and let's go see Chestnut.
Max, shh, I'm counting.
If we don't have the exact
right mix-to-coupon ratio
we won't get our free money.
Okay, where was I?
Amateur.
Real mature, your highness.
We have places to go.
Okay, 40.
Take it away, Tanya.
Wait, what is this?
This isn't Duncan Hines, it's Pillsbury.
Where did this come from?
I put it in.
You can't do that.
It has to be all Duncan Hines.
I needed Pillsbury.
Well, you can't have it.
- I need it!
- Why?
- I need it!
- Why?
That's the secret ingredient.
I throw a spoon of Pillsbury
in the Duncan Hines.
Pillsbury?
That's what makes it you?
That's what makes it more delicious.
Tanya, stop, flag on the play.
Here, take this back
and get me another.
You know what, I'm just gonna go
see Chestnut while I still have time.
No, Max, please take this
back and get me another one.
You're the one who wanted to use
the store-bought mix instead of
making your own from scratch.
So go back and get me another mix.
I used the mix because I don't
know how to make my own.
No one ever taught me.
No one taught me how to bake.
No one taught me how to use tampons.
No one taught me anything.
You still think I should
send my mom a better gift?
And no one taught you how
to check out, either.
I'm going.
Max.
You need to get another
mix, now don't ya?
I'll go get it, won't take a minute.
Who's the queen now?
Hey, my dude.
Look at you and your fancy coat.
Retirement looks good on you.
Told you I'd come by to see you.
Hooked you up with some carrots.
Bugs Bunny status, like I know you like.
I, uh, I don't know if you got my text.
Probably not a great
signal in here, but...
Your mom might be a little late.
She's coming though 'cause I
know she's dying to see you.
All right, man, who am I kidding?
She's not coming.
I know that's hard to hear,
and trust me, mothers not showing up,
I've been there.
But, I know wherever she is,
she is thinking of you.
Okay, that's not true either.
Here's the thing.
Your mom is a flake.
And you got two options,
you can sit around feeling
sorry for yourself
or you can say, "Hey,
my mom's not here."
"I can watch TV all day
and then go kick in
a neighbor's window
because I feel like it."
Hey.
Hey, look at me.
The fact that she's not
here is not your fault.
It's hers.
There, I just saved you, like,
14 inappropriate sexual encounters.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Chestnut!
Hi, baby.
Aw...
I missed you.
I missed you so much.
Did you miss me?
So you got all the cake mix?
Yes, plus the $23.
And I got you your Pillsbury as well.
Paid full price... it killed me.
You are a freak with the coupons.
I know.
I don't know what came over me.
When I found a way to make free money
I forgot about everyone else.
Oh, my God.
Like my father.
Max, I have Ponzi DNA.
Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.
Must have been hard learning
to do everything on your own.
I mean, I don't know how to
do any of that stuff either,
but, I had a staff of 20.
Yeah, I got staph at 20.
You know, you may think
your secret ingredient
is a spoonful of Pillsbury,
but it's not.
It's you.
It's everything you've been through
that makes you who you are.
Someone who fights for a box of tampons
and fights for a horse's feelings
and even fights for a box of cake mix
when a friend in the middle of a
cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.
This is the part in the
lifetime movie version
where I get up to pee.
I don't know who you're kidding.
You watch the entire
movie and then you cry.
Listen to her, Chestnut.
She thinks she has me all figured out.
What she doesn't know is that
when it comes to the cupcakes,
I have another secret,
secret ingredient.
Oh, don't tell me it's a
pinch of Betty Crocker.
I can't tell you.
It's a secret ingredient.
Okay, it's chocolate methamphetamine.
No, it's true.
Our slogan should be:
They're so good,
you'll rob your grandmother.
and a cheeseburger with muenster cheese.
We're out of muenster.
Oh, since when?
Well, let's see, the
diner opened in '82.
So '82.
Hi, sorry but we're out of muenster.
Seriously, dude?
I wanted muenster.
Sorry, we have cheddar,
Swiss or American.
I hate cheddar and Swiss blows.
Well...Then American?
American cheese?
What am I, at grade school?
Yeah, go to the principal's office.
I can't have another idiot
up my ass right now.
It's at capacity.
Max, I got this.
Would you like to see the menu again?
This is crap, okay, I wanted muenster.
Well, I wanted to be running
a Fortune 500 company
instead of waiting on a toxic
man-child like yourself.
But, we can't always get what we want.
So, order something else,
put it in your pie hole
and get on with your damn life.
Welcome to waitress.
We've been expecting you.
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #
Here you go, table ten, Earl.
Have any exciting plans for tomorrow?
Just trying to not die in my sleep, Max.
How about you?
I'm going to visit Caroline's horse.
He was adopted by a rich white lady
who could give him everything
we couldn't afford to.
Which is everything.
White people will adopt anything.
I figured out the best
way to go see Chestnut.
We take the J train to the 4,
the 4 to Grand Central,
change trains to Riverdale
and walk three blocks to
his fancy new stable.
Sounds exotic. Do I need a travel shot?
No, but there's a dicey
underpass at Grand Central
where we might get shot.
I am so excited to see my baby again.
Me too.
In the Lifetime movie version,
we get there and Chestnut likes
his new home better and then we cry.
Excuse me, Hi.
Sorry to bother you.
I'm Rhya, I'm a little embarrassed.
I just got my period.
Mazel tov.
Do either of you have a tampon?
Not me.
I just go off into the
woods and don't come out
until it's over.
I have one.
I'm so sorry to bother you guys.
No problem, "Sisterhood of
the Traveling Panty Shields"
Actually, no, I don't have one.
Here's a quarter, there's
a tampon machine
in the ladies' room. Thanks.
Pick up, table six.
I couldn't help overhear.
I have tampon.
Oleg, why do you have a tampon?
Same reason I carry a lighter,
even though I don't smoke.
Feels good to be the hero.
Sorry, again, but do you
have any more change?
It's 75 cents.
It's a quarter.
75. Says so on the machine.
It better not or I'm about
to rage against the machine.
What?
Han, I need to see you in here now.
But that is the ladies' room.
You're fine.
Women bring their little boys
in here all the time.
Everybody decent?
Man in the ladies' room.
I apologize for personal intrusion.
You don't have to cover your eyes.
It's a ladies' room,
not a solar eclipse.
Max, why do you want to see me
in this inappropriate meeting place?
This is why. The tampon machine.
Oh, this is not man topic.
I do not wish to discuss
time of the month
when ladies must chase the cotton mouse.
Chase the cotton mouse?
Geeze, where'd you get
your sex education?
Lambchop's playalong?
Han, you changed the price of tampons?
Yes, this is not appropriate talk.
No, this is not appropriate action.
They've been a quarter forever.
Look how old this machine is.
Harriet Tubman used to
get her tampons here.
I'm a businessman.
Emphasis on the man.
I do not belong in here.
Hey, hey!
Don't make me chase you,
you little khaki mouse.
Look, han, everyone knows
there are certain things
that people need in an emergency
that you never raise the price on.
Things like what?
Off the top of my head,
tampons and 40-ounce beers.
Max, why are you so upset?
It is only two more quarters.
Han, that's a 200% price hike.
That's outrageous.
You're taking advantage of women.
If men were the ones who got periods,
tampons would be thrown free
from floats like Mardi Gras beads.
I went to Mardi Gras once... I was 11.
My mom and her new
boyfriend wanted to go,
and they needed a designated driver.
Earl, I need a man's opinion.
Is it my right to raise the price
of any product in my diner?
What product are we talking about?
Tampons.
Oh, brother.
Uh, you gotta just relax and butt out.
Trust me.
I been in this situation a long time.
Remember Aunt Flo?
That was my aunt.
Han, just because you can take advantage
of a business situation,
doesn't mean you should.
It is law of supply and demand.
Fine, then I demand you roll
back the price on the supply.
Come on han, don't be so 1% about it.
You think occupy Wall
Street was a big deal?
Wait till you see occupy tampon.
We only protest once a month,
but it's an intense five to seven days.
Got it. Found the milk.
And I found it even
faster than the butter.
You know they're not hiding it from you.
It's a grocery store, not a
sorority scavenger hunt.
Grocery shopping is so fun.
When I was little, I always wondered
where this stuff came from.
What's that?
Birthday card for my mom.
Aww, let me see.
"Get better soon"?
I thought you said it
was a birthday card.
It is, that's the only one that seemed
appropriate for our relationship.
Do you really want your mom to get
a get well card on her birthday?
Okay...Here's one with a
strawberry, that's fine.
It's really about the
50 bucks inside anyway.
That makes me sad.
Sad? I can fix that.
Have a treat, it'll
perk you right back up.
Max, you just stabbed a bag of candy.
That's okay, they'll just think a gang
came through and did it.
A candy gang?
What, like the sour patch kids?
Just step away and pretend
you didn't do it.
That's what you do.
We just need to grab ten boxes
of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.
Why would we need to do that?
Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.
I thought the cupcakes were homemade.
They are, I make them in my home.
You've been using a boxed cake mix?
Relax, I only use it when I'm tired.
And I add a secret ingredient
of my own to the mix
that makes them irresistible.
So you have no shame using
the store-bought mix?
I've no shame about anything.
Shame is overrated like Ke$ha.
In fact, they should
rename shame "keshame"
I just bought a Ke$ha
album, I'm so keshamed.
Shouldn't there be someone
to do this for us?
Oh, he's probably in the aisle
cleaning up after the candy gang.
There was no candy gang in here tonight.
That was a sneaky
customer, now wasn't it?
Hey, look.
For Chestnut, I can't wait.
I got him the kind with tops
on them, like Bugs Bunny.
He'll be so excited when he
sees the two of us tomorrow.
I know.
I was talking about me and the carrots.
All right now, your total is $70.49.
Wow, that seems like a lot.
I don't make the prices, now do I?
No, I was just commenting.
Well, it's not CNN, now is it?
- Here, give her the coupons.
- The coupons?
Yeah, here.
Max, you use coupons?
I had no idea.
You're looking at me like
I'm on To Catch a Predator.
We don't need to use those, I
have my tip money right here.
What are you talking
about, I have coupons.
Here, take them.
I...I have...
I can't, I don't want to.
I've fallen so far, I
can't fall any further.
Don't make me.
There's no need to go
down a keshame spiral.
Hi, she has coupons.
Oh, now you tell me you have coupons?
Should have told me
before, now shouldn't ya?
I didn't wanna tell you
at all, she made me.
Now didn't ya?
Look, it's not a big deal.
Lots of people use coupons.
Coupons are for...
poor people, yes.
Like us.
People who stand at the cash register
and say things like,
"Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."
Your new total is $12.70.
Wait, it just went from $70 to $12?
Just like that?
The same food for less money?
The exact same food?
How is that even possible?
You used coupons, now didn't ya.
Max, coupons are genius.
I'm late, I know.
I just got a text from Chestnut.
"Where are you?
I'm wearing my best suit."
He spelled suit with a four, but
that's pretty good for a horse.
I have a good reason.
15 chicken pot pies.
Regular price: $1.47.
Coupon price: Free!
'Cause I bought 15 and used
the double coupon in-store sale combo.
Listen to me with the lingo already.
Reminds me of my first day
interning on Wall Street.
Chicken pot pies?
You don't even like them.
What does it matter if
I like them or not?
They were free.
It's free money.
Who doesn't like free money?
I don't know about free money,
but this is like watching someone
free base for the first time.
Chestnut's fine.
It's not a big deal.
Ooh, oh, I just got another
text from Chestnut.
"I'm so lonely, I just tried smoking."
We can go tomorrow.
In the Lifetime movie version,
we just missed the day we
were appointed by the court,
and Chestnut's new parents
move him out of town.
And we cry.
I get it, it's just
that after last night,
I woke up fascinated by
the concept of coupons.
So I did some research.
I found this woman online
who calls herself the
Williamsburg Coupon Queen.
Only she calls them "cue-pons."
Is that the correct way to pronounce it?
Eh, I'm gonna go with her way
after all, she is the queen.
Canned pumpkin?
Ten cans, double coupon,
five cents each.
Great, 'cause I'm always
lying in bed at night
thinking I wish I could crack
open a can of pumpkin.
Oh, and I found a coupon for
you to send your mom an
edible arrangement for her birthday.
A pretty pineapple daisy says so
much more than cash in a card.
And it's for 40% off the regular price.
That's perfect because my mom
was 40% off a regular mom.
And Max, I do have something
else for you in this bag.
Something that'll make you very happy.
Canned yams for when I get
tired of canned pumpkin?
Better, look.
Look out, Han Lee.
I'm about to get my tamp on.
Well well, if it isn't
everything that's wrong
with the current economy,
in a boys' v-neck sweater.
Oh, what do you think you are doing?
Oh, just putting straws
in the container...
In case, uh...
Just in case a woman might
suddenly need a straw
and not have 75 cents.
Those are not straws.
They do not belong in public.
Didn't your mother ever teach you
that is secret, no-no
private lady thing?
You can't even say the name.
Come on Wall Street, if you can sell it,
you should be able to
bring yourself to say it.
I will never speak of it.
Just say it. Tampon, tampon, tampon.
What's the big deal?
In Ukraine, there are
pop songs about it.
She's so pretty, she's so grouchy.
That is inappropriate counter display.
You take it down.
You take down the price and I will.
No, it is free market.
I charge what I want.
I am the boss.
Max, someone left a stack of
newspapers filled with cue-pons,
and look, a double for Duncan Hines.
Could this day get any better?
Oh, and tables four, seven
and eight want their checks.
Okay.
Have 'em ready right here.
Max, no, that is private!
Here's your check.
And a little something extra,
compliments of women without
three quarters everywhere.
Thank you very much.
I don't know about your flow,
so I gave you a regular and a super.
Max, have you no shame?
Nope.
Ladies, at that time of the month,
I invite you to think of this man.
This man, Han Lee, right over here.
The man who thinks your menses
should be more expenses.
Okay, okay, I will lower the price
back to a quarter.
And that is end of discussion, period.
Oh.
Tampons for everyone.
Max, you are the Norma
Rae of feminine hygiene.
It's so windy.
Choosing coupon shopping over
going to see your son again?
That's a keshame.
In the Lifetime movie version,
this is where they take you
away as an unfit mother.
And I don't cry.
I'm sorry, but I just saw
that all these cake mix
cue-pons expire today.
I'll be real quick.
Ten minutes, in and out.
If I had a cue-pon for every time
I heard that from a guy.
Here, start going through these papers
and look for the cake
mix double cue-pon.
If I combine these with
the in-store bonus,
not only will we get the
lower cue-pon mix price,
but they will actually give us $23 back!
I'll give you $24 to
stop saying cue-pon.
Come on, start pulling out
the ones for the cake mix.
It'll be a breeze.
No, that was a breeze.
My cue-pons!
The fact that you're more
worried about your coupons
than your hair shows
how far you've fallen.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
Max, it's the Williamsburg
cue-pon queen.
Where'd she leave her
crown, in the minivan?
This is so exciting.
I have to go pay my respects.
We don't have time for this.
Just throw the cake mix into the cart
or we'll miss the train.
There, calm down, have a treat.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me, your highness,
but aren't you the cue-pon queen?
Mm-hmm.
I'm Caroline.
Freddie, and I can't talk right now
because if I lose my place...
- you'll lose your mind!
- I'm gonna lose...My...Mind...
I know. You say that on your show.
I won't bother you, but I
think you'll be excited
when I tell you that
it's only my second day
and I already learned
how to make money on the
purchase of cake mix.
All I have to do is buy 40
boxes and we get the...
store bonus, yeah.
Cake mix... That's a rare cue-pon.
Where'd you find it?
Yesterday's circulars.
Didn't you see it?
I missed it.
Go to the truck and get the
stockpile of circulars.
Look at him go.
You're sweeping the shelves.
On your show, you said sweeping
the shelves was out of line.
Max!
These are mine, I was here first.
I think she's probably
gonna be here last,
so let's go, we don't need these.
We do, if we don't get 40 boxes,
they won't be free.
I've met actual queens and
this isn't royal behavior.
Max, she just body-checked me.
Push me again and I will report
you to the American embassy.
Max, get in here.
Oh, we got a problem?
Oh, we got a problem.
Oh, hell no!
What do we do?
You step away and pretend
you didn't do it.
That's what you do.
24, 25...
you're making me wait, now aren't ya?
Just till I get to 40.
26, 27, 28.
Come on, I'll buy it for you.
Come on, take up the bitch on his offer
and let's go see Chestnut.
Max, shh, I'm counting.
If we don't have the exact
right mix-to-coupon ratio
we won't get our free money.
Okay, where was I?
Amateur.
Real mature, your highness.
We have places to go.
Okay, 40.
Take it away, Tanya.
Wait, what is this?
This isn't Duncan Hines, it's Pillsbury.
Where did this come from?
I put it in.
You can't do that.
It has to be all Duncan Hines.
I needed Pillsbury.
Well, you can't have it.
- I need it!
- Why?
- I need it!
- Why?
That's the secret ingredient.
I throw a spoon of Pillsbury
in the Duncan Hines.
Pillsbury?
That's what makes it you?
That's what makes it more delicious.
Tanya, stop, flag on the play.
Here, take this back
and get me another.
You know what, I'm just gonna go
see Chestnut while I still have time.
No, Max, please take this
back and get me another one.
You're the one who wanted to use
the store-bought mix instead of
making your own from scratch.
So go back and get me another mix.
I used the mix because I don't
know how to make my own.
No one ever taught me.
No one taught me how to bake.
No one taught me how to use tampons.
No one taught me anything.
You still think I should
send my mom a better gift?
And no one taught you how
to check out, either.
I'm going.
Max.
You need to get another
mix, now don't ya?
I'll go get it, won't take a minute.
Who's the queen now?
Hey, my dude.
Look at you and your fancy coat.
Retirement looks good on you.
Told you I'd come by to see you.
Hooked you up with some carrots.
Bugs Bunny status, like I know you like.
I, uh, I don't know if you got my text.
Probably not a great
signal in here, but...
Your mom might be a little late.
She's coming though 'cause I
know she's dying to see you.
All right, man, who am I kidding?
She's not coming.
I know that's hard to hear,
and trust me, mothers not showing up,
I've been there.
But, I know wherever she is,
she is thinking of you.
Okay, that's not true either.
Here's the thing.
Your mom is a flake.
And you got two options,
you can sit around feeling
sorry for yourself
or you can say, "Hey,
my mom's not here."
"I can watch TV all day
and then go kick in
a neighbor's window
because I feel like it."
Hey.
Hey, look at me.
The fact that she's not
here is not your fault.
It's hers.
There, I just saved you, like,
14 inappropriate sexual encounters.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Chestnut!
Hi, baby.
Aw...
I missed you.
I missed you so much.
Did you miss me?
So you got all the cake mix?
Yes, plus the $23.
And I got you your Pillsbury as well.
Paid full price... it killed me.
You are a freak with the coupons.
I know.
I don't know what came over me.
When I found a way to make free money
I forgot about everyone else.
Oh, my God.
Like my father.
Max, I have Ponzi DNA.
Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.
Must have been hard learning
to do everything on your own.
I mean, I don't know how to
do any of that stuff either,
but, I had a staff of 20.
Yeah, I got staph at 20.
You know, you may think
your secret ingredient
is a spoonful of Pillsbury,
but it's not.
It's you.
It's everything you've been through
that makes you who you are.
Someone who fights for a box of tampons
and fights for a horse's feelings
and even fights for a box of cake mix
when a friend in the middle of a
cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.
This is the part in the
lifetime movie version
where I get up to pee.
I don't know who you're kidding.
You watch the entire
movie and then you cry.
Listen to her, Chestnut.
She thinks she has me all figured out.
What she doesn't know is that
when it comes to the cupcakes,
I have another secret,
secret ingredient.
Oh, don't tell me it's a
pinch of Betty Crocker.
I can't tell you.
It's a secret ingredient.
Okay, it's chocolate methamphetamine.
No, it's true.
Our slogan should be:
They're so good,
you'll rob your grandmother.