2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 12 - And the Pop-Up Sale - full transcript

When Max's stove breaks, Caroline tries to return some expensive rings to Barney's department store, but discovers her surname is no longer an asset at her former home away from home.

Earl, can you break some 20's?

The big spenders at table two

wanna split their $11 check three ways,

even though one person
did all the eating.

I was in a three-way once.
Same thing happened.

Max, table ten would like the check.

And don't forget to pick
up customer comment card.

Customers very important.

It's all about the fans.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing
what people have to say.

For instance, what's
happening right now...

Not a fan.

Max, feedback from customers is
very important business tool.

Perhaps we'll pump the brakes
on sour waitress attitude.

There's only one tool
that can change my 'tude,

But I'm gonna need two
double-a batteries.

And a 20-minute break.

# ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #

# ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #

Welcome, everyone.

Thanks for coming to very important.

First official diner meeting.

This ain't right, man.
2:00 A.M. starts Earl time.

Earl, here's your brandy.

Okay, we're good now.

If I knew we were gonna have
staff meetings after work,

I would've taken job
at T.G.I. Friday instead.

Over there, they roll fast and loose.

Well, this is how I roll.

Yeah, short and slow.

No, I roll fast and furious.
Tokyo drift style.

Han, I'm starting to drift.
Can we get to the point?

Max and I still have to get home
and bake cupcakes for tomorrow.

We received so many excellent
comments from customers tonight.

Okay, first comment.

"dark-haired waitress..."
- hey!

"was very rude."


Max, customers are giving.

Their honest opinions about diner.

We need to take it seriously.

"I'd like to ride the blonde
waitress like a tilt-a-whirl."

Shout out!

Next comment.

"why does cashier wear earphones?

I thought he was a dj."

# go, earl, go, earl #


Moving on.

"this meatloaf tastes stale and dry."

# yeah, oleg yeah, oleg #

It also says that cook
could wear deodorant.

And shirt that covers armpit.

- This is on card?
- Yes.

You are lying.


Remind me never to be a spy with Han.

So this is how you tell
me what you think of me?

You hide behind outdated
method of feedback?

What, I should've posted
twitpic of my face like this?

Maybe I will send you a
twitpic of my meatloaf.

Can you twits pick
another time to do this?

I've gotta go home.

I have to go home too...

And cut the remaining sleeves
off of all my shirts.

And then go buy more shirts.

And cut the sleeves off those shirts.

You must wear sleeves.

Do not tell me what to do.

I was working here when you
were still a dumpling.

On your father's chopstick.

Now this is starting to
sound like earl time.

- Did it light?
- No.

Try another one. The gas is on.


Why are we throwing fire at an oven?

Is this a poor people game?

Yeah, it's called light
the broken pilot light.

Without blowing our faces off!

This is ridiculous.
My heart is pounding.

I didn't know baking cupcakes
was an extreme sport.

It's like the deadliest batch.

See? A slight hint of gas in the air.

Makes everything funnier.

Now there's too much gas.

If we threw a math in there now,

I'd be out a nose or a pair
or a pair of eyebrows.

And I'm not living through that again.


When I was a little girl,

I was trying to make
a hungry man dinner.

And I lit the pilot light
too soon and whoosh!

No eyebrows.

Had to draw them on in magic marker.

Only mexican girls would talk to me.

Max, we have a cupcake business.

We have to tell the landlord
we need a new oven.

We can't ask the
landlord for a new oven.

Then he'll ask us stuff
like "who are you?

"why is your name not on the lease,

And where's the rent?"

Well, I'll buy us one.

You're gonna buy us a whole oven?

We're so poor I have a sock that
I refer to as my good sock.

I've been saving something
for an emergency,

Like a burst appendix or
a first date bikini wax.

I knew it!

You have a secret stash of your
father's missing billions.

We're rich!

Wait, it's other people's money.

Yeah, but I didn't steal it. We're rich!

They're my expensive rings.

So if these are your expensive rings,

What's all that other stuff you wear?

Cheaper copies.

You never wear the good
stuff out in public.

Got it, kind of like hiding
the banana republic.

And wearing the gap.

See how special?

They're all one-of-a-kind
from thomas aristotle thomas.

T-a-t. Tat.


Tat rings.
You've never heard of tat rings?

Oh! Tat rings. No.

I guess it's the kind of thing.

That only people in the
know know, you know?


Make all the jokes you want,

But I only have to sell one of these.

And I can get us a new oven.

Any ideas what kind we should get?

Uh, yeah, you're not the only
one with a secret stash.

It's the Bluestar.

It's the tat rings of ovens.

In purple!

That's right, I said purple.

It's the muscle car of ovens.
It's bad-ass!

It's so bad-ass when I do karaoke

I change the lyrics from
purple rain to purple range.

Great, we'll get this one.

Uh, we can't buy that.
It's too expensive.

This is just something
you fantasize about.

It's kitchen porn.


Tomorrow we'll go to the
cash for gold store.

And get a regular oven and get cookin'.

I think the funny gas is gone.

Must be time. I'm going in.

Let me do it, my eyebrows
need to waxed anyway.

Hurry up! The gas is on!
Throw the match in!

- Did it light?
- No, but my foot is on fire.

I'll do it.

You're good.

I'm sorry, but how much
longer do we have to wait.

To get cash for our gold?

I told you before I'm on the phone.

Sit down, shut up, don't be rude.

I thought she'd be nicer
from her picture.

On the bus stop bench.

Yeah, and where are the dollar signs?

Let me see, which ring should I sell?

So much history in my lap.

I don't even wanna tell you
about the history in my lap.

My father got me this one in london.

I got this one in paris
to reward myself.

For not crying during the turbulence.

On the flight to paris.

My mom got me a fresca when
she hit me with her car once.

I got this one when I was 18.

It was my very first tat. Okay, stop!

This was a bad idea.
Let's get out of here.

I told you before. I'm on the phone!

Sit down, shut up, don't be rude.

I'm only sitting down because look.

She has her hand on a gun that's
strapped under the counter.

She is dying to plug us.

Max, what are you talking about?

Why is this a bad idea?

I don't want you sacrificing
your precious rings, frodo.

Because if the business
doesn't work out,

It'll be my fault you have nothing.

And call me selfish,

The only life I wanna ruin is my own.

Max, the business will go up and down.

That's natural.

But this ring is about more than
the day to day of the business.

It's about us...
And our future together.

Yo, did you just ask me to marry you?

You could do worse.

Now, ladies, gold. Now.

Come on. It's only one ring.

And when it comes to us, I'm
in this for the long haul.

Or until this lady shoots us.

- Hi, I'm here to...
- come on! Let's go.

Don't push me I'm out of nicorette.

Well, you're all business, aren't you?

I can respect that.

I'd like to exchange a tat ring.

I've never heard of a tat ring.

Thomas aristotle thomas?

World-famous designer?

Yeah, talk down to me.
That'll make the price better.

All right, I'll weight it.

What's that smell?

Is someone making soup in the back?

None of your business.

I will give you $275.

It's worth $2,500.

Where? In 2005?

You're just taking advantage of people.

Because the world economy is crashing.

It's called cash for gold, not
sympathy for flat chicks.

You know what? This is inappropriate.

All right, I'd like to see
your business license.

Maybe I'll make a call to
the chamber of commerce.

- Oh, you will, huh?
- Duck! Here comes the gun!

Maybe I'll make a call
to my boys in the back.

Sal! Richard!

Oh, hello. Let's get out of here.

Are you sure?
Because I'm kinda feeling richard.

Max, I was just in the ladies' room.

And I had a thought.

Why am I doing my lipstick in a
mirror that says "die carlos""

I know how to get the
full value of the ring.

We just have to take it to the
store where they sell it,

And return it.

Uh, and why didn't that
occur to you before?

'cause I don't have the receipt.

And I bought it three years ago...

From another store...
In another country.

The customer asked for crust
off of a turkey club.

Did they say that or is
this something you say.

That they said?

They said it.

But I say I see "screw the
bos"" sleeveless tee.

I'm sorry, someone call Ripley's.

There is a small mouse speaking.

And I bet for sure it comes
with stinky armpits.

Why don't you see for
yourself, ratatouille?

I've gotta go. Fight's starting.

You are stinky.

So stinky my mother in
Korea called me and said,

"What is that smell?"

I am surprised you're
upset by man smell.

Most women like you enjoy it.

Yo, Max, I got 20 bucks on Han.

He's scrappy.

Your english is terrible.

My english is less terrible
than your terrible english.

What? I couldn't understand
a word you said.

What? So sorry I couldn't
understand a word you said.

- Excuse me, regular-sized people.

I am on break until he apologizes.

I think the round's over.

I couldn't understand a word they said.

He needs to apologize. I'm the boss.

Don't let him get to you, Han.

Every woman knows size doesn't matter.

I like your shirt.

Reminds me of the side of the
van I lost my virginity in.

That little man disrespect me.

He insult my food, my
english, my "hyjane."

Is there anything I can
do to cheer you up?

A hug would help.

If I hug you, will you go back to work?


- Two-second hug. I'm going in.


How did you do that?
Your hands never left my back.

I am david blaine of zippers.

I was trying to cheer you up.

You did.

Wow, it's so surreal being back here.

I grew up here. It was like camp for me.

I learned who all the
best designers were,

How to color coordinate,
how to ride a bike.

They let you ride a bike here?

Bitch, I owned this piece.

If there's not an iguana in here,

This place is stupid.

Oh, my god.

They are such gorgeous tat rings.

- Thanks!
- Hate you! So jealous!

- Thanks!
- Bye!

Seeing you in your natural
habitat is truly disturbing.

Hi! Can I help you?

Hi! I'd like to return a ring
I got as a present here.

Tat rings are so amazing.

I can't believe you want to return it.

Well, this one's from a
guy I'm no longer with,

So it's painful to even look at.

I understand.

But I couldn't take it
back without a receipt.

The thing is he used to hit her.

Max! You did not!

Caroline, it's not your fault.

That's awful.

I understand why you
wouldn't want this ring.

I'm sure there's something I can do.

It's not our fault. I mean...Your fault.

Caroline Channing?


Surprised to see me working here?

Well, I got fired from that other store.

Whose name I will never mention again.

After last year's
cigarette butt incident.

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea those menthol
slim 100s were yours.

I just thought so many
butts on the ground.

Outside the store was gross,
so I said something.

Well, that one comment from
the great Caroline Channing.

About those butts fired my little butt.

You'd be happy to know
that I quite smoking.

After you got me fired.
Couldn't afford it.

I also couldn't afford
my gym membership.

Which is why my fired
little butt got massive,

Why no one wanted to date me, and
why I spent gay pride alone.

Fortunately, I wound up working here.

Yeah, it all worked out.
Your butt looks tight.

It's halfway there.

So I got the price on the ring.

You're buying a ring? A tat ring?

Actually, I'm returning.

Oh, can I see the receipt?

As manager of the jewelry department,

I couldn't possibly return
a ring that you bought.

At least three years
ago without a receipt.

You wouldn't want me to lose
my job again, would you?

I got this, donna.

And so sorry to hear about
your father being a criminal.

And you being penniless
and all that ugliness.

But it is kinda karma.

You are where you are now,
and I'm back on top.

Look, jeffrey, I know we just met,

But there's no way you're a top.

Now what are we gonna do?

We should hunt down that
super fake jealous lady.

Who hates you.

Maybe she'll buy one.

Max, that's brilliant.

If anybody's gonna buy a tat ring,

They're already in the store.

We can have a pop-up sale!

- A pop-up sale?

- You don't know what a pop-up sale is?

You didn't know what a pilot light was.

it's the new trend.

Mini stores pop up and sell stuff,

Then they're gone.

That's not a new trend.

Drug dealers have been
doing that for years.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

What are you doing, beautiful mind?

I'm mentally scanning the
layout of the store.

For security cameras.

I knew coming here and not
going to parks as a child.

Would pay off.

Okay, there's only one place
we could pull it off.

Where there are no cameras.


- Pop-up sale in the ladies' room.

That's right, ma'am!

I said pop-up sale in the ladies' room.

I don't do improv.

So did we sell the ring yet?

Those women weren't
our target customers.

We're looking for a very specific type.

Too much style and money to burn.

hold the elevator!

and I love new york!

Pop-up sale in the ladies' room.

I'll take you in two at a time.

Let me go check with my associate.

And I'll be right back
for adin and lublubah.

Such a good memory.

Hard to forget such beautiful names.


We have a pooper in stall two.

Who shops and plops? I mean, really.

- Trust me, I smell the match.
Classic shop and plop cover-up.

Where are the two Kit Kats we
got from the vending machine?

I told you I was hungry.

Arabic women expect a gift
when they buy something.

Well, stall number two.

Will probably supply a little present.

- Hi, are you here for the pop-up sale?

- No, I just have to pee.
- Oh, geez.

Come on, don't waste my time!

One stall's open... in and out!
Running a business!

That woman pushed ahead of us.

Do not sell her my tat ring.

It's fun. You're here to pick up.

She's here to drop off.

Open the shop.

We're a good team.

You set 'em up, I knock 'em down.

- Why is?
- I don't know, it just is.

Are you here for the pop-up sale?

- A pop-sale in the bathroom?

So lame. So lame.

Caroline? Jen, Robin!

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god.

- Excuse me.
When will pop-up sale start?

We have lunch reservations for
five at Four Seasons at 3:00.

Why are you asking me?

- You two are doing pop-up sale, no?


I have nothing to do with this
pop-up sale in the bathroom.

- So lame.
- So lame.

So lame!

So lame.

Come to lunch with us.

Oh, I've already eaten.

Our treat.

We are not taking no for an answer.

They're not taking no for an answer.

Sell the ring.

Where is she going?
I thought you two were a team.

Apparently not.

So sorry.

I got caught up in a
hostage nicoise situation.

How'd it go?

Did you get full price for the ring?

Oh, do you know me?

Because I could've sworn
you didn't know me.

My new friends Adin and Lablueballs.

Thought it was weird that
you just bailed on me.

Max, I panicked in the moment.

I didn't want those
girls telling everyone

that Caroline Channing was in a
bathroom selling her jewelry.

I'm barely back on my feet
after the whole scandal.

I just couldn't bare it.


I didn't sell them because
I didn't buy the whole

"in it for the long haul"
thing from the beginning.

And I was right because
I'm always right.

About people in the long haul.

Max, I'm talking to you.

It's cool. We don't need to talk.

Max, about the rings, I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.

You don't need to say anything.

You already said a lot of words
about the future and us,

And then next thing I know,
you were "oh, my god!"

Off to lunch with your friends.

Max, I am in this for the long haul.

Isn't there anything I can
say to convince you of that?

Nope. And it's fine.

It's not you, it's me.

I'm the idiot who actually
believed for a minute.

That we had a future.

But it's okay.

We'll just keep getting by like
we are, for the short haul.



Hey! Hey.

What's that smell? I'm making cupcakes.

- You lit the pilot light?
- Didn't have to. Look.

No way! The Bluestar in purple?

What the... how did it get...

How can... how could you afford that?

You sold your tat? Sold them all.

Spent it on the oven, next-day
delivery fee and installation.

That woman gave you a better price?

No, she pulled a gun on me.

So I went to every gold
store in Brooklyn,

leveraged their offers
against each other

until I got enough to buy the Bluestar.

You didn't have to do that.

After what I did, there
were no more words.

Only ovens.

And our future means more to
me than rings from my past.

I told you, I'm in this
for the long haul.

For the record, I hated
lunch with those girls.

I'd rather split a Kit Kat in
a bathroom with you any day.

I'm sorry I wasn't listening.

I was staring at my new
boyfriend over there.

I wanna make out with it!

Ooh. Ow! Hot!

There's not a ding!

There's a ding. My rings bought a ding.

You wanna hug me, don't you?


- But you're not gonna.
- Yes, I am.

If you unzip my shirt,
I'm gonna be pissed!

Impressed, but pissed.