2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - And the Very Christmas Thanksgiving - full transcript

Oh, you look pretty sharp tonight, Earl.

Going somewhere special?

Max, I am free, black, and 75.

Who knows what the night will bring?

Well, here's a twenty.

Can you break this the way
you just broke my heart?

Pop-pop.

Look at all this.

People really tipped us well tonight.

Yeah, well, don't get used to it.

Thanksgiving is almost here,
and as soon as people realize

how much money they have to spend

on holiday gifts, their
wallets snap tighter

than Kim Kardashian's legs after
the wedding check cleared.

I've always loved this time of year...

spiced pumpkin lattes,
bringing my winter furs out,

then bringing my winter furs

to the dry cleaner's to get
the red peta paint out.

For me, it was jumping
into a pile of leaves

and finding a used condom.

What's up, children of the corn?

I will stay tonight and decorate diner

for American holiday of Thanksgiving.

Wow. I'm surprised you got the
right holiday decorations.

Last month, you put out Easter
bunnies for Yom Kippur.

So many Jewish holidays, I
cannot Wikipedia them all.

What, like I don't got a life?

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

My father and I had a very special

Thanksgiving tradition every year.

Oh, let me guess.

You'd fly someplace like the
Bahamas, lay by the pool,

and he'd light other people's
stolen money on fire?

No. We'd rent out the
Waldorf Astoria ballrooms

and feed the homeless.

Don't look at me right now.

And after, we'd fly down
to our home in St. Barts

for two weeks.

Okay, you can look at me again.

I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria once...

beautiful hotel.

$50 for a hamburger?

For that money, it should eat me first.

Okay, ready to go?

Han, if you'd really like to
do something in the diner

to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving,

you can open your doors
and feed the homeless.

Yeah, put your money
where your cornstalk is.

Caroline and I will work for free.

Isn't it enough that when
I see them on the street,

I smile and pretend
to fumble for change?

No, it isn't.

You can afford to open
the diner for one night.

You can't put a price tag on
those kind of emotional rewards.

Yes, I can. $18 for 16-pound turkey,

and I will need many of them.

There...price tag.

Here, I will pay for turkeys.

Jeez, dude, where'd you get that?

I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire

to schoolkids in New York.

It is a good profit and beautiful drive.

I love the leaves.

All right.

I'm feeling y'all. I'll bring the pie.

My mother used to make
the best chocolate pie.

I remember one time she got so mad

at this white woman she worked for,

she took this chocolate
pie into the bathroom...

No, hold up. That was from the help.

I know it's not Burberry
like we're used to,

but I'm telling you,
used moving blankets

are gonna be in this year.

Who's a trendsetter?

We're really lucky November is so warm.

Another thing I'm giving thanks
for this Thanksgiving...

global warming.

I think the three remaining
polar bears would disagree.

Max, it's time to teach me how to bake.

Okay, well, if we're doing that,

first I have to go get baked.

I'm serious.

It's the beginning of
the holiday season,

and with all the potential
Christmas cupcakes

and festive gift baskets,

you're gonna need as much
help as you can get.

Festive holiday gift baskets?

No way.

I'm not into all that crap.

Oh, no. Are you gonna be one of those,

"I am too cool to believe in
the wonders of Christmas"

type of bitches?

I am so many types of bitches,

I've lost count.

And the only wonder of
Christmas I'm aware of is...

I wonder how you're gonna
keep up that attitude

through Christmas this year.

Why, because this is my first
holiday without any money?

Uh, yeah.

Money isn't what makes

the holidays special, Max.

Uh, yeah.

The holidays are totally about money.

It's about spending money to buy things

to stuff into the giant
black sucking hole

in the center of each
of us that reminds us

life is hard and then we die.

And that's my Christmas card.

Max, I'm aware this holiday
season will be challenging,

will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree

decorated by ten gay men? Yes.

Will I miss those ten gay men

outing my cousin Steven
before he was ready? No.

My holiday spirit is
bigger than my money.

So come on, teach me how to bake.

We only have a couple weeks.

Fine. Pour a cup of milk into the mixer.

This will be fun.

When I was little, I used
to make my father cakes

in my easy-bake oven.

My easy-bake oven was repossessed.

So, um, speaking of your
father, are you doing okay?

I mean, this is a hard time of year

for people who have
feelings, and just...

With your father in prison,
how are you doing?

I'm doing great.

I actually just found out
that since it's Thanksgiving,

they're allowing me to come
see him for the first time.

Well, that excitement
will probably taper off

after the full-body cavity search.

I don't know. I might like it.

It's been a while since I've
had any cavities searched.

All right. Pour the milk, slut.

One cup milk.

There, how's that?

Good.

Now into the mixer.

There, how was that?

Uh-uh. We're not playing

"Rich girl gets a trophy every
time she does something normal"

Just cover the bowl with the towel

so it doesn't splash
out, and turn it on.

Oh, it's not plugged in.

Oh. Right.

No, not without the towel!

Christmas comes but once a year,

and I think it just did.

Wow. These high-end mixers
are a lot of money.

I thought if we came to
a big department store,

there'd be a lot of them, and
the prices would be better.

We can't afford these.

How much did you think they'd be?

I don't know.

I guess I'm not used
to looking at prices.

I usually just point,
pout, and it's purchased.

Yeah, I had a version of
that, only it was more like,

point, and when they look the other way,

stuff steaks down your pants and run.

Come on, there has to be a
mixer here we can afford.

There is.

Here.

A $5 spoon? That's what we can afford?

Yeah, if we put it on layaway,
work hard for a few years.

I'm used to being poor
around your stuff,

but not around stuff that I want.

What happened to all your
"money's not important"

holiday spirit now?

Max, it feels like you want me

to be depressed about the holidays.

No, no. I'm just saying
that it's okay for you

not to be all up and
everything around me

if you're not feeling it.

It's all right to let
your dark side out.

Come to the dark side.

Oh, my God.

Look, they're hiring elves.

Why would I go to the dark side

when I could go to Santaworld?

Let's go get in line.
I've always loved Santaworld.

Me too, as a David Sedaris story,

not as an actual real-life option.

Come on.

If we get hired, we could
use our employee discount

to get one of the really
good cake mixers.

And then it'd be like
it came from Santa!

Come on, Max, we'd be great elves.

I have the holiday spirit.
You're great with kids.

And we're both so desperate for money,

we'll wear other people's tights.

Max, I've been coming to
this store at Christmastime

with my father since I was little.

I'd get all dressed up in my
fanciest winter coat and hat

and then stand in line to see Santa

with my hands in my muff.

And they didn't throw you out?

There is nothing Christmas-y
about this hallway.

It looks like the place Santa
sends promiscuous elves

to get the results of their S.T.D. test.

Okay, that's the kind of comment

that almost got us knocked
out of the first round.

You're lucky I edited your application.

Why, what was so bad?

You requested to work in
Santa's sex toy shop.

Max, that's not even a thing.

Tell that to my
candy-cane-shaped vibrator.

Max!

I call it "Santa's big helper."

Please try and get into
the holiday spirit.

I know. If we get hired,

we'll go right home and watch
Miracle on 34th Street.

It'll be a miracle on 34th Street

if we make it out of the
bottom of this slave ship

without elf scurvy.

Hi.

I couldn't help but overhear you
mention Miracle on 34th Street.

That's my absolute
favorite Christmas movie.

Mine too!

My second favorite is
It's A Wonderful Life.

Mine too!

I've got Schindler's List on Blu-Ray.

- Hi. I'm Mary.
- I'm Caroline.

Hi. I'm Mary.

It's cool. We don't need to talk.

That's Max. She's kind of
a Grinch about Christmas.

Oh, like my brother Patrick...

He's always teasing me
about loving Christmas.

He calls me "Mary Christmas."

Get it?

It's 'cause my name is Mary.

I can't help it.

It's my favorite time of year.

- Mine too.
- Yo.

Disconnect before it's too late.

Don't be so cynical.

Especially Christmas Eve.

It's an O'Brien family tradition.

All seven of my sisters and brothers...

we line up on the staircase in
our brand-new Christmas PJ's

and have our picture taken.

Bitch is 30.

It's my father.

Hi, Daddy. You'll never guess
where I am right now...

applying for a job at Santaworld.

No, it's not depressing at all.

The man's in prison, and he
thinks this is depressing.

Oh. Are you sure?

It's really not that far.

Okay. If that's what you want.

Call me on Thanksgiving. Love you.

He thought about it and
doesn't want me to come.

He said he can't face
having me see him in there.

- You okay?
- Fine.

Quiet, please, people.
I have an announcement.

Everyone in this corridor has
been chosen to be an elf.

Mazel.

Yay, we're elves.

Report to work at 3:00 A.M.
the morning of Black Friday.

Ooh!

This is so exciting!

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

Okay, well...

- I'll see you both then.
- Okay, Mary.

Great, 3:00 A.M...

you, me, and definitely-a-Virgin-Mary.

Good night. Get home safely.

Ooh. Maybe I should not
have said that to homeless.

That is it.

2:00 A.M... Freebie Thanksgiving dinner

is now officially over.

According to my calculations,

we served over 300 turkey dinners

and only had two knife fights.

Thank you, Caroline.

This experience taught
me that rich or poor,

home or homeless, we are all the same.

Wait. Where's my wallet?

They took my wallet,
those dirty sons of...

Oh, here it is.

Yes, we are all the same.

Well, I have two things to say.

First of all, I'm incredibly proud of us

for spreading the spirit
of Thanksgiving together.

And secondly, someone left an
adult diaper in this booth,

and I am not dealing with that.

What's with the sad face?

You saw the bathroom?

It's just...
even though we fed the homeless,

it doesn't feel like
Thanksgiving without my father.

But you made a lot of
people happy here tonight,

and you should feel
pretty good about that.

- Yes, I do.
- Come on, elf.

We better clear these tables.

We have to be at Santaland in an hour.

Why you have to be there in
the middle of the night?

Because it's Black Friday, and
the doors open at 5:00 A.M.

Yeah, we want to be there right on time

to see the first person
trampled to death by UGGs.

We have to work

all night and then all day tomorrow.

- How are we gonna do this?
- I got the answer right here.

Max, I'm not doing cocaine.

If we could afford cocaine,
we could afford a mixer.

Nine-hour energy shots, aka elf juice.

I've never done these. Do they work?

Millions of wired-off-their-asses

college students can't be wrong.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you just drink that whole thing?

Yeah, why?

Nothing.

I'm sure it's not too much.

They suggest sipping it, but...

Who are they?

All right, we'd better go.

We got to go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, you should've sipped it.

How do I look?

Because I kind of feel like I
look like a North Pole dancer.

You actually look cute.
You look good in red...

And green... red and green together.

You can pull off anything.
You're so beautiful.

- I don't tell you that enough.
- Whoa!

Whoa, slow down, speed racer.

I know. I can't stop talking.

What was in that stuff you gave me?

I don't know.
The ingredients are in Spanish.

Well, my corazon is beating muy rapido.

Okay, and why aren't you
in your elf costume yet?

Because I was talking to
those people over there,

and there's a chance...
a slight chance, but a chance...

I could get moved to the
strolling Christmas carolers.

I overheard their ethnic mix
is short a token blond.

And I'm blond, baby!

Forget it. You got me into the
underbelly of the elf beast,

and you are not bailing on me.

But those period costumes
are so much prettier.

I will knock you from here

to Rudolph's house if you abandon me.

We are in this together.
Now go get your bells on.

Okay, I didn't want to tell you this

because it's, well,
gross, but the last elf

who had the tights they gave
me, well, let's just say

her little lady elf friend
visited unexpectedly.

Ew. Talk about a period costume.

You're right. It's disgusting.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm leaving.
I don't want to do this anymore.

I feel tired and wired at the same time.

This was an awful, awful,
awful, awful, awful idea!

All right, calm down!

Jeez, you're like a
Christmas crack monkey.

Look, we are not going anywhere, okay?

You got me all elfed up, and
now we need these jobs.

So just go talk to someone

and tell them why you need
a new pair of tights.

I can't. It's embarrassing.

Look, either you ask her,
or you rip out the crotch

and risk showing six-year-olds
your winter wonderland.

Now I'm sad.

You, the one with the dark hair,

- I need you to come with me.
- Where?

And is there a drug test involved?

Change of plans.
I need for you to be Mrs. Claus.

The other one had to leave...
blamed menopause.

Menopause, please.

I had my uterus yanked
out on my lunch hour,

and I was back at my desk by 2:00.

Follow me...

Unless, uh, you don't want
that extra $2 an hour.

Oh, no.
You are not leaving me here alone

when I'm crashing on elf juice.

If I can't be an old-timey singer,

you can't be Mrs. Claus.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm throwing you

under the sled, sister.

That extra $2 an hour
will bring us closer

to the really good mixer.

And the way my life is going,
this might be my only chance

to be married to a rich guy.

I'd double-check those
tights if I were you.

Ugh.

These tights suck.

Hi. Hi, Elf.

I just got assigned to the
front of the line with you.

Oh, crap.

It's me, Mary.

"Mary Christmas." You know, like...

- My brother Patrick always says.
- Yeah, you said that.

Look at how cute we look...Jingles!

I just named you Jingles.

Get it? 'Cause of all your bells.

Oh, listen...

Ah, this is my number-one
favorite Christmas song.

Ooh! What's your
favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night. Get it?
'Cause I want you to be silent.

What's the matter with you?

You're acting like an elfhole.

Oh, hello, children!

Who's next to see my husband, Santa?

I am so mad at you right now.

Oh-ho-ho!

Uh, hold on, children.

Mrs. Claus is just having an issue

with one of her elf employees.

What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?

You abandon me on Christmas

the day after my father
abandons me on Thanksgiving?

You have balls.

Christmas balls...

Like on Santa's tree...

Or a Hanukkah bush.

Look, I've got my own problems, okay?

Santa is kind of hands-y.

And you leave me here with this one

when I'm coming down the bad side

of nine-hour energy mountain?

I don't know what's at
the bottom, but so far,

not the miracle on 34th
Street I was hoping for.

- Well, elf...
- Her name is Jingles.

One more word, Mary, seriously.

Listen, Bi-polar Express,

you need to jingle all the
way up that mountain,

because all these kids
are looking at us.

Hello!

- You got your list for Santa?
- Yep. Got it right here.

Well, he's waiting for you,
so go right ahead in.

- Yay, let's go!
- Hi.

Oh, you look so pretty in
your hat and your coat.

Thank you very much.

I used to have a coat like that.

But she gave it to a reindeer
because he was very cold.

Oh, you have your list for Santa?

Let's see what you want.

- Ooh, a pretty doll...
- Had it.

- An easy-bake oven...
- Had it.

- A Barbie dream house.
- Oh, had that, too.

Had all those things, and
now I have nothing...

- nothing to stick in my big hole.
- Okay.

- Jingles, what are you doing?
- Tell them, Max.

No, no. I'm not Max. I'm Mrs. Claus...

Mrs. Beyonce Claus...

and I'm married to Santa.

No, tell them what you told me...

that it's all just stuff we buy
to stick in our big holes.

I've been married for 50 years.

I don't even think about holes anymore.

Why is she talking to
children about holes?

- I'll get her.
- Okay.

- Caroline...
- No, Max, you were right.

They should know the truth.

Mrs. Claus, have a
little, uh, elf control.

Jingles, come into my little house.

No, Max. They should know.

There is no miracle on 34th Street,

and it's not such a wonderful life.

If it were, I wouldn't be standing here

in crotchless tights in
the middle of Santaland,

with a father in prison,
too broke to buy a mixer.

Stop it, you're gonna ruin Christmas.

Christmas is all about money.

If you want stuff from
Santa, you got to buy it,

because there is no...

Merry Christmas!

Get her out of here now.

And you, put your knees together!

I hope I didn't ruin Christmas

- for all those sweet children.
- No, you didn't.

All they saw was a
crotchless elf freaking out.

But "Mary Christmas" will never recover.

They'll find her in her
studio apartment in two weeks

hung from the chimney with care.

Well, this is all kind of your fault.

You told me to come to the dark side.

I just told you to get in
touch with your feelings.

I didn't think you'd turn
into Darth Caroline.

Once I went there, I couldn't get back.

Yeah, and chugging that
elf juice didn't help.

It wasn't just the drink.

Before those presents
came crashing down on me,

reality did.

I have no money and a father in prison

who didn't even want to
see me on Thanksgiving.

Yeah, well, there are a lot of
people way worse off than you.

Yes, your father's in prison,

but at least you have one
and you know where he is.

And you have a home and a job.

And you have a freaking horse.

So...

Happy holidays. It is a wonderful life.

You're right. I am so lucky.

Well, since right now is the
closest to the Christmas spirit

we're probably gonna get,

Santa wanted me to give you
your Christmas present now.

It's our new mixer.

We're gonna old-school it.

Aw, you spooned me.

I feel bad. I didn't get you anything.

Max, you got me everything.

Before you, I was living on
a subway, and now look...

I'm living near a subway.

So did you buy this?

No, it's from Santa.

Jingles, did you steal this?

Yeah.

I grabbed it when they
were throwing us out.

Wow, Caroline Channing.

You keep this up, and you
won't have to ask permission

to visit your father in prison.

But I did give $2 of
our cupcake-fund money

to the Salvation Army Santa.

So God bless us, everyone!
It's a wonderful life!

It's times like this I
really miss Darth Caroline.