18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 2, Episode 9 - Miss Conceived - full transcript

When a discarded home pregnancy test (positive) is found in the recycling, a frenzy of speculation ignites: Tom thinks it's Jessie's, Jessie thinks it's Monica's, Ben thinks its Judith's, Phil thinks it's Tara's.

You can't put that in there!

Sure I can. See?
Look. It fits.

Garbage and recycling are
two solitudes, Bromigo.

That's why they're different colours.

You realize you're the only
person left on the planet

who still cares about this crap.

Actually, there's millions of us.

Just no one you golf with.

What took so long back there?

I go to use the bathroom,

but I leave my coffee on
the back of the toilet.

Then another guy comes in, so...

I had to wait for him to leave
so I could get my coffee back.

See, I'm calling the coffee
a write-off at that point.

We're very different people.


Home pregnancy test.

Oh, man!

That's gross!

Says the guy drinking toilet coffee.

This is positive.

You don't think...

Jessie's pregnant.

No! No! We use condoms.

And our condoms wear condoms.

And those condoms?
They're on the pill.

It was in Phil's garbage
so it's probably Tara's.

Whatever you say, Daddy-o.

Jess! You would not
believe what I found.


Just a second!

Are you...?

Oh God. You are.

Can't we find a way
that we could be together?

Is there any way
that we could be together?

And oh by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do! Yes, I do!
Yes, I do!

Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo...

Are you sure you're OK?

I think I ate a bad fish taco.

Are there good fish tacos?

Seriously, Tom.
I'm fine.

Really? Cause you seem a bit...

I just puked.
What do you want me to do?

Grab a guitar and sing
a John Mayer song?

Euh, then we'd both be nauseous.

It's weird, though cause I'm hungry.

Do we have any toaster strudel?

Oh. No, wait.

I'm nauseous again.

Aw, c'mon, Ben!

That's your new mower?

We talked about this last week.

We agreed you'd get a push mower.

Uh, no, Phil, I think you
agreed I'd buy a push mower.

I went inside and told Judith

you smelled like a bouillon cube.
Then we laughed.

Do you know how much
oil that thing sucks?

Oil good men died for.

If I bought a push mower it'd be
like spitting in their faces.

Ben. There's such a thing
as the carbon footprint.

Oh, for the love of God.

Easy. Easy.

Phil? This isn't a right
wing slash left wing thing.

The battle's over and we lost.


We. Yeah.

You and me.

Ban plastic bags.

We all buy these giant reusable bags

and always forget them when
we go to the grocery store.

Yeah, but-

And then buy new ones.


Yeah, but we also-

Compact fluorescent bulbs
leak mercury into the soil.

And oh!

Every five days we add
one million people

to this planet.

Think about that.

One million people every five days!

Pretty soon, we're gonna be
stampeding over each other

just to get to the scraps.

So why don't you just
relax and enjoy yourself?

I think you broke him.

Cross that off my bucket list.

Glad you're here.

Can you keep a secret?

Clearly, you haven't
been paying attention

for the past eighteen years.

Let's pretend you're
somebody else's sister.

One with a heart?

I just need five seconds.


I found a pregnancy test by the-

Time's up!

There is no way that was five seconds.

And yet you've intrigued me.

I think Jessie's pregnant.

Boy, you two are determined
to drive your lives

straight into a brick
wall, aren't you?

Yes! Well -

See? Freaking out here.

I'm not ready to be a father.

And I want to know why
Jessie's keeping this from me.

A woman needs to feel in control

and secure about her choices.

She needs to do things
on her own timetable.

Let her call the shots.

That's good advice.

I read it on a Tampax box.

So. Who's the dad?

Would you stop joking around?

A baby is a big deal.

What if Mom finds out?

Mm. OK. I'm out.

Oh, um.
Can you do me a solid?

I can't deal with this.

Would you dispose of
the evidence for me?

Sure, Tom.
I'd love to manhandle the pee stick

you found in the garbage.

Hey, Jules.


I'm there.

Any woman tries to buy them,

stab her in the forehead
with the heel, OK?

Can you keep a secret?

I can't even keep my lunch down.

Yeah. In retrospect, we
really shouldn't have eaten

fish tacos from a Slushie van.

So what's the secret?

Monica is pregnant.


Oh my God.

Does Judith know?

I don't think so.

She's gonna be a grandmother before me

and I knew about it before her?

Ho! This is fabulous!

I can't wait to lord this over her!



No lording.

Whatever lording is.

You have to promise.

In fact, forget I was even here.

You're no fun.

What are you reading?

I was thinking of getting one
of these big flat-panel TVs.

Those things are total energy hogs.

Meh. What does it matter?

Are you OK?

I was talking to Ben earlier?

And he really laid
some stuff on the line

about where the world's heading.

Hate to admit it, but
he made a lot of sense.

Oh, puh-leeze.

Do you think a fifty-six
inch would fit

on the south wall?

And to think I finally had

this marriage thing under control.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

And now Jess is pregnant!

I am not ready to have a kid.

I'm not even ready to babysit a kid.

We start now and we might
as well just pick out

matching grave plots
and be done with it.

I see why she can't wait

to share this miracle with you!


Here's Jess with this
life-changing news

and all I can do is
think about myself.

But then again, Jessie hasn't
exactly been forthcoming.

She's protecting me.

No, I can-I can be supportive.

You know, I can get behind this.

Great! Tell her that!

But I'm not supposed to know.

So show her.

This is your chance to
become one of those

unrealistic characters
from an uplifting movie.


I don't know.

I'm only gonna have
kids when I'm sixty.

Isn't that a bit old?

No, my wife will be eighteen.

Yeah, if Jess and I have a girl,

you're never coming over.


Gotta admit.
She handles nice.

Uh? What'd I tell you?

That cup holder's a nice touch, huh?


Mm hm?

I can't find Grandpa's
death certificate.

Oh. It's on the same shelf as
the wedding album, sweetie.

Is she making a memory box

or trying to crack the DaVinci Code?

She wants an A.
She likes to be thorough.

By all means.
While we're at it,

why don't we dig up my
mother's old whiskey flask?

Way ahead of you.

Oh, for - Wendy!

Wendy, wait up!
Let me see that thing!


What the hell are you
doing with that monster?

Well, she's not that big.

I mean, It looks like it's about
to turn into Optimus Prime.

There's nothing wrong with
seeing how the other half lives.

Don't you care about
future generations

Really! A two-stroke engine?

Why not buy nine cars?

Baby steps, honey.

Looks like you're losing
Phil to the dark side.

Oh, hello Judith!

I didn't see you standing there.

Perhaps you've shrunk.

Why would I have shrunk?

No reason.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

I mean, good just to be alive.

No matter how old you are.

Who said anything about age?


I mean, it's all just part of
the cycle of life, isn't it.

I mean, you have kids;
your kids have kids.

And then pretty soon
everybody's pointing,

"Hey look at that lady!"

"She looks a lot older
than her neighbour."

Why would they point? And why wuld they say that?
And who are these people?

Life is pregnant with
abundant possibilities.

That's all I'm saying.


Can you keep a secret?

Is anyone going to waterboard me?

Of course not!

Then yes.

See, yesterday Tara was throwing up.

She said it was the fish
tacos, but that was weird.

Apparently you've never
eaten fish tacos.

And then just now, she
was talking to Judith

about circle of life this
and abundant that...

I think you're just
jumping to conclusions.

Oh, thank God!

Obviously, she's just pregnant.


That's the conclusion
I was jumping to!

What did you think I meant?

She was having an affair

with the man who sells fish tacos?

I'm not ready for this.

But is she?

The fish taco man is very hot.

I should talk to her.

No, wait!

If she hasn't told you yet,

she must want it to be a surprise.

Women must do this sort of
thing on their own timetable.

Actually, that's pretty good advice.

Read it on a Tampax box.

It also mentions women
have light and heavy flow.

Ah ah ah!
Thank you.

Hey, babe.

Where are you?

Over here.


I know you know about -

What's with the tennis
balls on the coffee table?

Oh, you can never be too careful.

And uh, and actually it
wasn't even that hard.

Ooh.! And check this out.

Caps on the sockets, in
case some little hand

wants to stick a finger in there.

Isn't that a little premature?

Well, I just want you to know that...

I'm ready for anything.

If you know, there should
ever be the pitter patter

of little feet around here.

Oh! Oh, I get. Oh.

You must really love Monica.

As a name?

Wouldn't that get confusing?

Wouldn't what get confusing?

It's not complicated, Jess.

I want you to know that...

I'm ready when you you are.

Would you excuse me for a second?

Ava? My life is over!

I think Tom wants to put a baby in me!

I don't believe
Tom wants a baby.

I mean, his last big
goal was to get through

season four of Lost.

And he gave up on episode six!

You see?

And that's just a TV show.

Raising a kid must take...

at least twice as long.

Do you think Monica's
pregnancy set off

Tom's biological clock?

He's an eighteen-year-old guy.

He doesn't even have an alarm clock.

Don't get me wrong, I
want kids someday.


In the distant future.

Like, one with hover boards.

But now?

So tell him that.

I can't.

He hasn't said anything and
if I nix it prematurely.

he'll deny the whole thing
and I'll look stupid.

Yeah, you don't wanna look stupid.

Better to have a baby.

If I had a hover board,

I would so hit you with it right now.

So. If you can't
confront Tom directly,

then you're just gonna
have to show him

that he's not ready.

TaraOne second you're talking
about flat-screen TVs,

the next we're moving to the country.

I mean, what is going on, Phil?

I've done the research.

Depleting resources, reality TV.

The world is descending into chaos.

Like that Pearl Jam concert
with festival seating.

Oh my God.

This isn't even double-sided and...

how is the country better?

For one thing, it's out in the
middle of freakin' nowhere.

Tall trees. Fresh produce.

And chickens clucking
gaily in the background.

What about your fear
of flightless birds?

This isn't just about
me anymore, is it.


This is about Ben.

Hey, don't get mad at Ben.

We should be thanking him.

Yes. I think I'll go and
thank him right now.

Ah, Tara.

You must be into the mojitos again.

You live one door down.
Away you go!

You have to talk to Phil.

He's lost his mind.

What mind?

You're not gonna win me over

by stepping on my zingers, you know.

You've grown predictable.

Look, all you have to
do is just take back

the thing you said about
the world going to hell.

I mean, the poor guy has
really gone off the deep end.

How can you tell?

Stop that!

Look, just because the
guy wants a power mower

doesn't mean he's crazy.

You're environmentalists, not Amish.

You don't understand.

I mean, he really has lost all hope.

If he had just one small
little thing to cling to-...

Wait a minute, I got it.

I got it.

I'm listening.

Not really.

All you have to do is restore
his faith in Mankind.

Put up a solar panel.

Donate some money to Greenpeace.

Turn off your lights for once
when you leave the room.

I'd rather talk to him.

Ah, thank you!

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Fine. Fine, Ah, thanI'll do it.


If you'll excuse me, I was
just about to enjoy a scotch.

Helps clear my head.

Shouldn't take long.

Annoying, isn't it?

Not really.

Fifteen hundred bucks
for a baby buggy?

For that price, it
should come with a baby.

Tom! I have a surprise.

This is it.

This is Professor Bootsie
Von Cuddlepants.

Ava's cousin needed a
sitter for a few days

so I thought we'd help out.

See if we'd like one of our own.

A dog? That's a lot to
manage with everything else.

Ah, I'm not worried.

Like you said, we can
handle anything,right?

You know what?


Ooh. Looks like this is
gonna be a little more work

than we thought.

He's got a bit of a drippy doodle!

No problem.

We'll get him paper
trained in no time.


Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Oh, come here.

Oh, that's a bit damp.

Did I hear a dog?

He's just visiting.

I'm not sure how long Tom will up with him.
He's a terror.

Listen Jess, if you're going out,

would you drop this on Ben's desk?

It's fresh out of the oven.

Mm. Sure thing.

Oh, Phil.
Tara wanted me to have a...

conversation with you.

But you're busy.
It could wait.

You better do it now.

We won't be here much longer.


We're moving.

Not this very minute.

I'm gonna fix up the
place, have it assessed.

So I might need to hold on to
your lawnmower for a while.

Oh, hell, you're moving.

Keep the-keep the mower.
Keep it.

I thought about what you said.
You're right.

We better get out while
the getting's good, eh?

Yeah, move to the country.
Fresh start.

I envy you, my friend.

You're doing the right thing.

What did you wanna talk to me about?

Oh, nothing.

I - I uh, I was gonna buy a new car

and I wanted your opinion.

I'm just gonna get a Hummer.

Hey, if you put a nozzle on that,

you could save a lotta...


Screw it.



Oooh, banana bread.

Honey! Honey, I-

Listen, I need a couple
of things at the market.

Yes. But I have news. Phil-

Hold that thought.

The store closes in ten minutes.

I'll be right back.

Oh, and check your desk.

I left you a little surprise.




Oh my.

Oh, my, my, my.

Hi there.

Beautiful dog.

What are you doing?

Phil, how are you doing?

Ah, just clearing out the spare room.

It's a little surprise for Judith.

Looks like we're going to have some...

Um, bottle caps.
What do you do with the-

Blue bin.

Who are you and what
have you done with Ben?

Ah. Maybe you're right about
the whole recycling thing.

Ooh, by the way, do you
still have that push mower?

Judith's having a...
well, she's napping

and I don't want to wake her up.


You just blew my mind.

What's that?

Judith's not sleeping.

I saw her take off for the store.

You know?
If you of all people can change

then I guess anything's possible.

Just give me the damned push mower

and forget this ever happened, OK?

I'm on my way. Ha.

You know?
This is enough to make me

rethink that move to the country.

Who said what now?

My favourite socks!

Sorry about that.

I took a shower and obviously
Bootsie loves socksies.

Well, obviously we're
not ready to take care

of another living thing.

What do you mean?

Did you make some kind of
decision about something?

A decision about what?
What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell is he barking at?

No, no, no, no.
You just told me

that you were going
to fix the place up.

and you were gonna sell!

Yeah, well you said that the recycling

and the garbage all
goes to the same place

and it's all going to hell anyway!

So what!
You said you were moving!

So I changed my mind!

That's unacceptable!

You're moving?

Honey, I said that the country
would drive me insane.

And that's why we're gonna
raise the baby here.

Right, honey?

Why would we raise Monica's baby?

Excuse me?

Our baby! Your baby.

No, baby.

Monica is pregnant.


No, that's... that's...

That's impossible.
She's not even married.

Well, I hate to get
technical, Daddy, but-

Everybody, I am very
pleased to announce

that Judith is with child.



So then, I'm gonna be a
father and a grandfather.

No, father and...

A father with who?

Mom? Dad?
Jessie and I are-

Oh my god.

You think I'm knocked up?

You're not?
Oh, please tell me you're not.

Are you kidding?
Our condoms wear condoms.

Oh! Thank God.

Judith, you are...?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I've baked my last bun.

Where is all this coming from?

Honey, from the
surprise pregnancy test

you left on my desk.

Yeah, and I found one by the garbage.

And I misinterpreted a conversation

that I shouldn't have
been listening to.

Well, clearly somebody
here is pregnant.


I don't like where this is going.

I'm not pregnant.

I found that thing in Mom's closet

and I threw it out.

Oh my god.

It's mine.


From twelve years ago.

When I was pregnant with Wendy.

I just- I kept it as a memento.

Ah! Did you save
Tom's foreskin, too?

Actually -



So then, nobody is pregnant?



Last time I recycle.

That was interesting.

You mean the part where
I- or the when you-

I meant the baby thing.

I really thought you wanted one.

Can you imagine us with kids?

I can actually.

No, I can't!

But I can imagine hover boards.

And when hover boards are available,

I can imagine kids.




Oh my God.

We forgot about the professor!

Where is he?

What you got there?



Too easy.