18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 2, Episode 7 - Sleepless in the Attic - full transcript
I fall asleep to
your serenade.
I wake up to
your saving grace.
(Ben snoring)
(Strumming ukelele)
I see the sunbeam
the perfect ray
I want to send out a
gazillion bouquets
(song continues)
(Whispers) Tom. Hey!
Tom.
(Tom groans)
Hey.
(Grunt)
(Crash)
(Tom shouts in pain)
I'm sorry!
Did I wake you?
No.
No, that was the floor.
This blanket smells
like granny bellow.
We should get a duvet,
one of those down ones,
unless they actually
kill the ducklings.
Go to sleep!
Do they have to kill them
to pluck the down off their backs?
Shhh, I have a big knife
skills test coming up.
The sharp end goes down;
How hard can it be?
Jessie, please.
I need some sleep.
Do you want to have sex?
Let's do this.
(Guitar, tambourine and hand claps)
Boy: Can't we find a way
that we could be together?
Girl: Is there any way
that we could be together?
Both: And oh by the way,
baby, do you love me?
Yes, I do! Yes, I do!
Yes, I do!
Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo
jessie: Hurry up!
I'm late for class.
How did we sleep in when
I didn't even sleep?
Whose fault is that?
You weren't complaining last night.
Yeah, I was!
But you couldn't hear me
under all your talk of...
Ducklings and bills and
how much you love me.
Why are you only wearing one shoe?
I can't find anything in our closet.
It's like the floor
of a nudist colony.
(Phone rings)
That's for me!
I got it.
Ow!
Tom and jessie's phone, tom speaking.
How may I help you?
Ah, jessie's in the
bathroom dropping a deuce.
Professor tarnowski.
Just a sec.
I can't believe I agreed
to sharing one cell.
Hi, Professor tarnowski!
Ha ha ha.
Tara: She's visiting you
after twenty years.
How do you know she still likes darts?
Nobody likes darts.
Darts just gives drinking a context.
I don't know, Phil.
Every time a guy is best
friends with a girl,
I always assume that they want sex.
I mean, do you?
You're jealous.
No, I am not jealous!
You are a lying jealous liar!
I am not jealous; I'm clever.
If you two were such good friends,
then why did it take her
this long to visit?
I mean, obviously she wants something.
Oh, I know exactly what she wants.
She wants my stick.
Your stick?
My prized possession.
My nest egg.
Back in the day, I won two
tickets to see Phil Collins.
I took Serena; She caught
his autographed drumstick.
But she was sitting in my
seat; They were my tickets.
So I made an executive decision...
I kept...The stick.
Ahhhh!
You like Phil Collins.
Nobody likes Phil Collins;
That's not the point.
But you know how much this drumstick
could be worth one day?
Five bucks?
See? Jealous.
No. Maybe she's
using the drumstick
as an excuse to get into your pants.
That could be true...
If she swung that way.
She's gay?
As the eighties.
Well!
At least we know which stick
she's not interested in.
Oh!
Oh.
(Motorcycle engine)
Oh my God!
Judith. Judith! Judith.
You wouldn't believe who's outside.
Serena manson.
An old flame of mine.
Why is she here?
After twenty-five years,
you'd think she'd be over me by now.
Carrying a torch that long.
(Snort)
Serena manson.
My God!
You haven't changed a bit.
Sorry, do I know you?
Oh, it's ok.
I told my wife about us.
Hello. I'm Judith.
I'm Ben's wife.
Help me out here.
You're friends of Phil and Tara's?
It's me. It's Ben.
Ben bellow.
We dated in university.
We tried to make Sushi.
You introduced me to marijuana.
I had you arrested.
Ring any bells?
Uh, this is sixty-nine
Henderson, right?
That's next door.
Great.
Uh, well uh, nice meeting you.
Oh. Must've forgot her
contacts, I guess.
Something.
I don't see why you need one of these.
Because if jessie doesn't
sleep, then I can't sleep.
And if I can't sleep,
I'm going to butcher
my knife skills class.
So to speak.
Oh! Check it out.
The you-snooze.
Good entry-level white noise machine.
Mostly nature sounds.
Affordable, but the quality is lame.
How do you know this stuff?
You would not believe how hard it is
for a girl to fall asleep
next to a strange guy.
I would if that guy's you.
That's why I come equipped
with one of these bad boys.
The sooner they're asleep,
the sooner I can spoon them.
What?
The sonic duvet by slumber science!
I've read about this.
That's a lot of money to
spend without asking jessie.
So call her.
I can't, she's got the cell.
The cell?
You're sharing one phone?
It cut costs.
And your balls in one fell swoop.
So can I use your phone or not?
No. I'm using it to
text jessie an apology
for sending her that picture
of me on the toilet.
Serena: That was after we
drank that mushroom tea
and we got chased by those
mailboxes, remember?
Yes!
Oh man!
You sound crazier than Phil here.
Yeah, we had fun.
(Giggle)
Well, then one day you
wake up and you realize
something's missing.
It's not missing if it wasn't yours
in the first place.
Jessie: Hey, guys.
Phil: Hey.
Hey.
This is jessie?
Mm hm.
Wow, look at her!
Oh, skin like porcelain and
such a beautiful smile.
Thank you.
You look like a runner.
Are you a runner or a dancer?
So Jess, where's your husband, tom?
How should I know?
We're married, not joined at the hip.
I am my own individual
with my own mind.
Everything ok, sweetie?
I didn't sleep last night.
You don't look bad.
Good genes, I guess.
I'll say.
Yeah, ok, Phil, why
don't you take Serena
and show her the garage?
I'm gonna hook jessie
up with a hot bath.
Ooooh!
Judith: You weren't even
a blip on her radar.
Oh, it was only a couple of dates.
Well, one date should
have been enough.
You're Ben bellow.
What do you care?
It's an insult to me.
I mean you.
She doesn't know what she missed.
You're a judge, for heaven sakes.
You're right.
I am an absolute catch.
She'll see the light.
And how exactly is
that going to happen?
I'll shine it in her
eyes if I have to.
(Clap clap)
(Ocean waves / seagulls)
I don't know about this.
It's peaceful and calming.
And loud.
You can turn the volume down.
Why can't we plug it in on your side?
Cause I don't need a
sound soother; You do.
(Spray)
Oh!
That's the scented mist.
It just peed in my face!
You can't just fix me
with a machine, tom.
Oh yeah?
Wait till you hear the train.
(Click)
(Train whistle)
Choo choo.
(Train chugging)
Remember to give these biceps a flex
when she passes by.
Believe me, Judith, you
better call a plumber
because these pipes
are about to burst.
(Door closes)
Here she comes.
Pretend you're sexy.
Wha?
Ben bellow.
Oh, hey there.
How're you doing?
I remember you now.
I didn't recognize you
without your retainer.
Oh. Heh heh heh.
So what have you been
doing all these years?
I became a photo journalist.
You?
A judge. Graduated top
of my class actually.
You know how I used
to always like law.
Right.
Well uh, I gotta get going.
Okeydoke.
Ha ha ha ha.
I think that went well, eh Judith?
What is her problem?
No luck with the phantom shoe?
Eaten by your underwear pile.
How'd you do on the knife skills test?
I'm guessing b minus?
Ok, c.
F, Jess.
All cause you couldn't sleep.
It's like this closet, tom.
Our lives have become one.
(Phone rings)
That's for me.
Hello.
It's for you.
It's coincidence.
Don't you get it?
I can't even go to the bathroom
without you knowing the 411.
I need my space.
If it's space you want,
Jess, you got it.
(Sigh)
(Door closes)
That would have been
so much more effective
if I actually had somewhere to go.
You know what?
Why don't I go?
Maybe I can reset the button
on my sleep routine for both of us.
Serena: You must be
so proud of jessie.
I mean she is the total package.
Oh, you think so?
She's amazingly
self-assured for her age.
I mean you would never
know she's only eighteen.
Ok, that's enough, Serena.
She is half your age!
You think I'm interested in her?
No, not like that.
As a human being!
Seriously, she's a great kid.
Oh my God.
I am so embarrassed.
I don't know what I was thinking.
But truthfully, um, there is something
I would like to get.
Oh. Yeah?
Phil's sperm.
No, it's not a perm; His
hair's naturally curly.
No, I didn't say perm, I said sperm.
I want to have Phil's baby.
Hey, mom?
Can I have my old room back?
Sure.
I feel bad kicking Serena out
of the guest room
that will forever be my room
no matter what you call it.
Don't worry about it, sweetie.
We'll just do a little
shuffling, that's all.
Did you take care of that, hon?
(Softly) The drumstick
is under lock and key.
I meant Serena's bed.
Right! Right.
I'll go get the blankets.
Thanks.
Oh and for what it's worth,
it's just for a couple nights.
Very short sperm.
What?
Short term.
I'm so tired I can't even speak.
Well, these dishes aren't
gonna wash themselves.
Look, Tara, I know that
this is a lot to absorb
and that's why I wanted to make sure
you were ok with it
before I asked Phil.
Why wouldn't I be ok with it?
I mean, I'm a modern,
liberated woman, right?
Well, why don't you talk
to him, feel him out
and if he's uncomfortable,
I'll never mention it again.
Ok, just one question.
Why Phil?
Because of all the guys I ever met,
he's still the best.
He breathes through his mouth
and he scratches himself.
A lot.
Congenital eczema.
You wanted to have Jess.
You must know why I
want to have a child.
Ok.
I'll think about it.
You think these jeans
make Ava's butt look big?
Kinda, yeah.
By the way, if this ends in divorce,
I call the white noise machine.
This is just until we
catch up on our sleep.
One night. Two, tops.
It's perfectly normal.
When you're our age, perfectly normal
is farting the alphabet
or fantasizing about
your best friend's mom.
Sorry.
What are you doing in my closet?
Is there something
you want to tell me?
It's jessie's.
But chicks hate sharing closets.
Even I know that
and I only pretend to listen to them
when they talk.
It's more than just our closet
she wants to get away from.
Dude, this is a good thing.
You have the whole place to yourself.
Enjoy it, brother!
Male singer:
Hard times never ever have been easy.
Sometimes all you gotta do is fight.
Take time cause I don't
want you to leave me
make time cause I want you in my life.
Our heads are feelin' lighter
our legs weak at the knees
so come on, hold me tighter
let's shine brighter,
let's be you and me
(sigh)
(Spray)
Oh!
(Click)
(Heartbeat)
Ow!
Oh.
I'm sorry honey, did I wake you?
What's up?
Well, I saw this flyer today
and someone was giving
away their puppies.
Isn't that weird?
Just giving away your
puppies like that?
Yeah.
You could totally sell them.
What if we had puppies?
And Serena wanted one.
Do you think that we
would be ok with that?
Sure. Serena's great.
What if the puppy looked like you
and Serena did something
that you didn't agree with,
like put a choke collar on
it or a fuzzy little vest.
We'd ask her not to.
You see, Phil?
Here's the thing, right?
Once you give your puppy away,
you no longer have a say.
The puppy is now hers.
We're not talking about
puppies anymore, are we.
No.
We're talking about the drumstick.
(Sigh)
That woman is relentless.
(Yawn)
(Cheerful) Hey, you.
Your turn with the phone.
You seem perky this morning.
I slept like a baby.
How about you?
Great!
So you're coming back?
No.
No, I'm gonna need another sleep.
Or two. Ish.
I realized last night that
we got married so fast
I didn't really get a
chance to say goodbye.
To what?
My room.
My space.
Single jessie.
I just think I need a little
time to catch up with myself.
That doesn't sound like a
threat to our marriage at all.
I knew you'd understand.
(Smooch)
Oh! Hey! Tara!
Did you talk to him?
I did.
And he's not quite sure
what to make of it all.
He said no?
Phil's never really
been good at sharing.
Well, I'm not asking him to share.
You're certainly not
asking to borrow it.
Oh, come on, Tara.
Please?
The clock is ticking.
You know what?
You're right.
The grocery store's gonna
close in ten minutes.
Gotta go.
Come on, Tara!
Tara, come on!
We need to talk about this!
(Toots car horn)
(Sigh)
Everything ok?
Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
If an old friend of Ben's
who's a really good person
and would make a fantastic mother
decided to have a baby on her own
and needed Ben's sperm.
You think Ben would be ok with that?
Oh my God.
You want Ben's sperm?
God no.
No, I want Phil's.
Oh.
Female singer
and at the break of day
you sink into a dream
Phil's sperm? Phil?
They only have one kid
and she married tom!
We have three perfectly
healthy children,
two of whom are excellent.
Why wouldn't she want yours?
It's as if she's trying
to drag down the species.
Honestly, Phil.
I can sleep on the couch again.
No one should have to
sleep on that couch
for more than one night.
Besides, what's mine is yours.
It is?
Have a good sleep.
(Grunt)
Oh! Ok.
That's it.
The cot in the basement
makes more sense than this.
(Click - tv comes on)
What're you doing?
I just slept for
twelve hours straight.
I'm wide awake.
You should take my bed.
I can't do that, sweetie.
But I'm the reason Serena took yours.
Seriously, I'm gonna
be up for a while.
Female singer: It was
never just a dream
All of those endless parties
Many a sunrise-
(both yell)
You're supposed to be in the loft.
You're supposed to be my wife.
The hairy arms didn't tip you off?
I thought it was a sweater.
Hey, while we're here.
There is no we, here.
Not ever.
Yeah, but if we were here,
what would you tell me about
getting jessie to
come back to our bed?
Let me guess.
You guys go to bed at the
same time every night.
Yeah.
Dude.
You gotta create space.
Give her a couple nights a week
where she goes to bed alone.
Say you're watching the game;
you're out with buddies.
Anything.
Alone time?
If you want to survive
all this togetherness,
you gotta guard each
other's independence.
Hey.
What are you doing?
I have to go, Phil.
But before I do, one question.
Why won't you give it to me?
Ha!
I knew this is why you came.
If you knew it, then you must have
a pretty good answer to my question.
It's a matter of principle, Serena.
I don't understand.
It's simple.
You don't deserve it.
Why?
Because I'm a lesbian?
No! I'm just not gonna
give it away for free.
You want to charge me?
Ok, just stop it!
Stop it.
Honey, Serena didn't come
here for your drumstick.
She wants to have a baby.
Awwww.
She wants your baby-paste.
God, no!
I mean, wow, that's really
flattering, but no.
I couldn't.
Dude, you know I love you,
but Tara and I decided to
have one child for a reason.
There's only so much
room on this planet.
I'm so sorry.
You see?
That's why I chose you.
You're a good man, Phil.
I'm sorry, I was so afraid
that you were gonna say yes.
I - I should have trusted you.
Serena, if there's anything else
we can do to help you out.
Well...Where's that
drumstick you mentioned?
Sorry.
Hey! I got your text.
I've been thinking about
the you and the me
and that lonely red shoe.
Just because we're married
doesn't mean we have
to share everything.
Ok.
So this is the ta-dah part.
(Orchestral flourish)
Jessie: Wow.
And my other shoe!
Look inside.
(Gasp) My own private cell phone!
We can find other
places to cut corners.
But I can't sleep without you, Jess.
Awww!
And I know there'll be days
when you want your own space
and that's fine.
And you can have the bed to yourself
whenever you want it.
But just say you'll come home.
Who could say no to
a closet like that?
And I will take you
up on the bed offer.
But not tonight.
(Click)
(Ocean surf)
Ever done it on a beach?
Surf's up!
Well, I'll ask
around for you.
I know a lot of fabulous men.
Or there's always Ben.
Right, Judith?
Oh yeah.
It makes a lot more sense.
"Once you go Ben,
you'll want it again."
Oh stop.
Did I mention I'm gay?
"Once you go Ben, you're
finished with men."
(Laughter)
Anyway, I found my sperm
donor for what it's worth.
Thanks for the drumstick.
Carter!
I don't know who Phil Collins is,
but you will never
guess what I had to do
to get his drumstick.
Ebay, here I come.
Adriano_CSI
your serenade.
I wake up to
your saving grace.
(Ben snoring)
(Strumming ukelele)
I see the sunbeam
the perfect ray
I want to send out a
gazillion bouquets
(song continues)
(Whispers) Tom. Hey!
Tom.
(Tom groans)
Hey.
(Grunt)
(Crash)
(Tom shouts in pain)
I'm sorry!
Did I wake you?
No.
No, that was the floor.
This blanket smells
like granny bellow.
We should get a duvet,
one of those down ones,
unless they actually
kill the ducklings.
Go to sleep!
Do they have to kill them
to pluck the down off their backs?
Shhh, I have a big knife
skills test coming up.
The sharp end goes down;
How hard can it be?
Jessie, please.
I need some sleep.
Do you want to have sex?
Let's do this.
(Guitar, tambourine and hand claps)
Boy: Can't we find a way
that we could be together?
Girl: Is there any way
that we could be together?
Both: And oh by the way,
baby, do you love me?
Yes, I do! Yes, I do!
Yes, I do!
Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo
jessie: Hurry up!
I'm late for class.
How did we sleep in when
I didn't even sleep?
Whose fault is that?
You weren't complaining last night.
Yeah, I was!
But you couldn't hear me
under all your talk of...
Ducklings and bills and
how much you love me.
Why are you only wearing one shoe?
I can't find anything in our closet.
It's like the floor
of a nudist colony.
(Phone rings)
That's for me!
I got it.
Ow!
Tom and jessie's phone, tom speaking.
How may I help you?
Ah, jessie's in the
bathroom dropping a deuce.
Professor tarnowski.
Just a sec.
I can't believe I agreed
to sharing one cell.
Hi, Professor tarnowski!
Ha ha ha.
Tara: She's visiting you
after twenty years.
How do you know she still likes darts?
Nobody likes darts.
Darts just gives drinking a context.
I don't know, Phil.
Every time a guy is best
friends with a girl,
I always assume that they want sex.
I mean, do you?
You're jealous.
No, I am not jealous!
You are a lying jealous liar!
I am not jealous; I'm clever.
If you two were such good friends,
then why did it take her
this long to visit?
I mean, obviously she wants something.
Oh, I know exactly what she wants.
She wants my stick.
Your stick?
My prized possession.
My nest egg.
Back in the day, I won two
tickets to see Phil Collins.
I took Serena; She caught
his autographed drumstick.
But she was sitting in my
seat; They were my tickets.
So I made an executive decision...
I kept...The stick.
Ahhhh!
You like Phil Collins.
Nobody likes Phil Collins;
That's not the point.
But you know how much this drumstick
could be worth one day?
Five bucks?
See? Jealous.
No. Maybe she's
using the drumstick
as an excuse to get into your pants.
That could be true...
If she swung that way.
She's gay?
As the eighties.
Well!
At least we know which stick
she's not interested in.
Oh!
Oh.
(Motorcycle engine)
Oh my God!
Judith. Judith! Judith.
You wouldn't believe who's outside.
Serena manson.
An old flame of mine.
Why is she here?
After twenty-five years,
you'd think she'd be over me by now.
Carrying a torch that long.
(Snort)
Serena manson.
My God!
You haven't changed a bit.
Sorry, do I know you?
Oh, it's ok.
I told my wife about us.
Hello. I'm Judith.
I'm Ben's wife.
Help me out here.
You're friends of Phil and Tara's?
It's me. It's Ben.
Ben bellow.
We dated in university.
We tried to make Sushi.
You introduced me to marijuana.
I had you arrested.
Ring any bells?
Uh, this is sixty-nine
Henderson, right?
That's next door.
Great.
Uh, well uh, nice meeting you.
Oh. Must've forgot her
contacts, I guess.
Something.
I don't see why you need one of these.
Because if jessie doesn't
sleep, then I can't sleep.
And if I can't sleep,
I'm going to butcher
my knife skills class.
So to speak.
Oh! Check it out.
The you-snooze.
Good entry-level white noise machine.
Mostly nature sounds.
Affordable, but the quality is lame.
How do you know this stuff?
You would not believe how hard it is
for a girl to fall asleep
next to a strange guy.
I would if that guy's you.
That's why I come equipped
with one of these bad boys.
The sooner they're asleep,
the sooner I can spoon them.
What?
The sonic duvet by slumber science!
I've read about this.
That's a lot of money to
spend without asking jessie.
So call her.
I can't, she's got the cell.
The cell?
You're sharing one phone?
It cut costs.
And your balls in one fell swoop.
So can I use your phone or not?
No. I'm using it to
text jessie an apology
for sending her that picture
of me on the toilet.
Serena: That was after we
drank that mushroom tea
and we got chased by those
mailboxes, remember?
Yes!
Oh man!
You sound crazier than Phil here.
Yeah, we had fun.
(Giggle)
Well, then one day you
wake up and you realize
something's missing.
It's not missing if it wasn't yours
in the first place.
Jessie: Hey, guys.
Phil: Hey.
Hey.
This is jessie?
Mm hm.
Wow, look at her!
Oh, skin like porcelain and
such a beautiful smile.
Thank you.
You look like a runner.
Are you a runner or a dancer?
So Jess, where's your husband, tom?
How should I know?
We're married, not joined at the hip.
I am my own individual
with my own mind.
Everything ok, sweetie?
I didn't sleep last night.
You don't look bad.
Good genes, I guess.
I'll say.
Yeah, ok, Phil, why
don't you take Serena
and show her the garage?
I'm gonna hook jessie
up with a hot bath.
Ooooh!
Judith: You weren't even
a blip on her radar.
Oh, it was only a couple of dates.
Well, one date should
have been enough.
You're Ben bellow.
What do you care?
It's an insult to me.
I mean you.
She doesn't know what she missed.
You're a judge, for heaven sakes.
You're right.
I am an absolute catch.
She'll see the light.
And how exactly is
that going to happen?
I'll shine it in her
eyes if I have to.
(Clap clap)
(Ocean waves / seagulls)
I don't know about this.
It's peaceful and calming.
And loud.
You can turn the volume down.
Why can't we plug it in on your side?
Cause I don't need a
sound soother; You do.
(Spray)
Oh!
That's the scented mist.
It just peed in my face!
You can't just fix me
with a machine, tom.
Oh yeah?
Wait till you hear the train.
(Click)
(Train whistle)
Choo choo.
(Train chugging)
Remember to give these biceps a flex
when she passes by.
Believe me, Judith, you
better call a plumber
because these pipes
are about to burst.
(Door closes)
Here she comes.
Pretend you're sexy.
Wha?
Ben bellow.
Oh, hey there.
How're you doing?
I remember you now.
I didn't recognize you
without your retainer.
Oh. Heh heh heh.
So what have you been
doing all these years?
I became a photo journalist.
You?
A judge. Graduated top
of my class actually.
You know how I used
to always like law.
Right.
Well uh, I gotta get going.
Okeydoke.
Ha ha ha ha.
I think that went well, eh Judith?
What is her problem?
No luck with the phantom shoe?
Eaten by your underwear pile.
How'd you do on the knife skills test?
I'm guessing b minus?
Ok, c.
F, Jess.
All cause you couldn't sleep.
It's like this closet, tom.
Our lives have become one.
(Phone rings)
That's for me.
Hello.
It's for you.
It's coincidence.
Don't you get it?
I can't even go to the bathroom
without you knowing the 411.
I need my space.
If it's space you want,
Jess, you got it.
(Sigh)
(Door closes)
That would have been
so much more effective
if I actually had somewhere to go.
You know what?
Why don't I go?
Maybe I can reset the button
on my sleep routine for both of us.
Serena: You must be
so proud of jessie.
I mean she is the total package.
Oh, you think so?
She's amazingly
self-assured for her age.
I mean you would never
know she's only eighteen.
Ok, that's enough, Serena.
She is half your age!
You think I'm interested in her?
No, not like that.
As a human being!
Seriously, she's a great kid.
Oh my God.
I am so embarrassed.
I don't know what I was thinking.
But truthfully, um, there is something
I would like to get.
Oh. Yeah?
Phil's sperm.
No, it's not a perm; His
hair's naturally curly.
No, I didn't say perm, I said sperm.
I want to have Phil's baby.
Hey, mom?
Can I have my old room back?
Sure.
I feel bad kicking Serena out
of the guest room
that will forever be my room
no matter what you call it.
Don't worry about it, sweetie.
We'll just do a little
shuffling, that's all.
Did you take care of that, hon?
(Softly) The drumstick
is under lock and key.
I meant Serena's bed.
Right! Right.
I'll go get the blankets.
Thanks.
Oh and for what it's worth,
it's just for a couple nights.
Very short sperm.
What?
Short term.
I'm so tired I can't even speak.
Well, these dishes aren't
gonna wash themselves.
Look, Tara, I know that
this is a lot to absorb
and that's why I wanted to make sure
you were ok with it
before I asked Phil.
Why wouldn't I be ok with it?
I mean, I'm a modern,
liberated woman, right?
Well, why don't you talk
to him, feel him out
and if he's uncomfortable,
I'll never mention it again.
Ok, just one question.
Why Phil?
Because of all the guys I ever met,
he's still the best.
He breathes through his mouth
and he scratches himself.
A lot.
Congenital eczema.
You wanted to have Jess.
You must know why I
want to have a child.
Ok.
I'll think about it.
You think these jeans
make Ava's butt look big?
Kinda, yeah.
By the way, if this ends in divorce,
I call the white noise machine.
This is just until we
catch up on our sleep.
One night. Two, tops.
It's perfectly normal.
When you're our age, perfectly normal
is farting the alphabet
or fantasizing about
your best friend's mom.
Sorry.
What are you doing in my closet?
Is there something
you want to tell me?
It's jessie's.
But chicks hate sharing closets.
Even I know that
and I only pretend to listen to them
when they talk.
It's more than just our closet
she wants to get away from.
Dude, this is a good thing.
You have the whole place to yourself.
Enjoy it, brother!
Male singer:
Hard times never ever have been easy.
Sometimes all you gotta do is fight.
Take time cause I don't
want you to leave me
make time cause I want you in my life.
Our heads are feelin' lighter
our legs weak at the knees
so come on, hold me tighter
let's shine brighter,
let's be you and me
(sigh)
(Spray)
Oh!
(Click)
(Heartbeat)
Ow!
Oh.
I'm sorry honey, did I wake you?
What's up?
Well, I saw this flyer today
and someone was giving
away their puppies.
Isn't that weird?
Just giving away your
puppies like that?
Yeah.
You could totally sell them.
What if we had puppies?
And Serena wanted one.
Do you think that we
would be ok with that?
Sure. Serena's great.
What if the puppy looked like you
and Serena did something
that you didn't agree with,
like put a choke collar on
it or a fuzzy little vest.
We'd ask her not to.
You see, Phil?
Here's the thing, right?
Once you give your puppy away,
you no longer have a say.
The puppy is now hers.
We're not talking about
puppies anymore, are we.
No.
We're talking about the drumstick.
(Sigh)
That woman is relentless.
(Yawn)
(Cheerful) Hey, you.
Your turn with the phone.
You seem perky this morning.
I slept like a baby.
How about you?
Great!
So you're coming back?
No.
No, I'm gonna need another sleep.
Or two. Ish.
I realized last night that
we got married so fast
I didn't really get a
chance to say goodbye.
To what?
My room.
My space.
Single jessie.
I just think I need a little
time to catch up with myself.
That doesn't sound like a
threat to our marriage at all.
I knew you'd understand.
(Smooch)
Oh! Hey! Tara!
Did you talk to him?
I did.
And he's not quite sure
what to make of it all.
He said no?
Phil's never really
been good at sharing.
Well, I'm not asking him to share.
You're certainly not
asking to borrow it.
Oh, come on, Tara.
Please?
The clock is ticking.
You know what?
You're right.
The grocery store's gonna
close in ten minutes.
Gotta go.
Come on, Tara!
Tara, come on!
We need to talk about this!
(Toots car horn)
(Sigh)
Everything ok?
Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
If an old friend of Ben's
who's a really good person
and would make a fantastic mother
decided to have a baby on her own
and needed Ben's sperm.
You think Ben would be ok with that?
Oh my God.
You want Ben's sperm?
God no.
No, I want Phil's.
Oh.
Female singer
and at the break of day
you sink into a dream
Phil's sperm? Phil?
They only have one kid
and she married tom!
We have three perfectly
healthy children,
two of whom are excellent.
Why wouldn't she want yours?
It's as if she's trying
to drag down the species.
Honestly, Phil.
I can sleep on the couch again.
No one should have to
sleep on that couch
for more than one night.
Besides, what's mine is yours.
It is?
Have a good sleep.
(Grunt)
Oh! Ok.
That's it.
The cot in the basement
makes more sense than this.
(Click - tv comes on)
What're you doing?
I just slept for
twelve hours straight.
I'm wide awake.
You should take my bed.
I can't do that, sweetie.
But I'm the reason Serena took yours.
Seriously, I'm gonna
be up for a while.
Female singer: It was
never just a dream
All of those endless parties
Many a sunrise-
(both yell)
You're supposed to be in the loft.
You're supposed to be my wife.
The hairy arms didn't tip you off?
I thought it was a sweater.
Hey, while we're here.
There is no we, here.
Not ever.
Yeah, but if we were here,
what would you tell me about
getting jessie to
come back to our bed?
Let me guess.
You guys go to bed at the
same time every night.
Yeah.
Dude.
You gotta create space.
Give her a couple nights a week
where she goes to bed alone.
Say you're watching the game;
you're out with buddies.
Anything.
Alone time?
If you want to survive
all this togetherness,
you gotta guard each
other's independence.
Hey.
What are you doing?
I have to go, Phil.
But before I do, one question.
Why won't you give it to me?
Ha!
I knew this is why you came.
If you knew it, then you must have
a pretty good answer to my question.
It's a matter of principle, Serena.
I don't understand.
It's simple.
You don't deserve it.
Why?
Because I'm a lesbian?
No! I'm just not gonna
give it away for free.
You want to charge me?
Ok, just stop it!
Stop it.
Honey, Serena didn't come
here for your drumstick.
She wants to have a baby.
Awwww.
She wants your baby-paste.
God, no!
I mean, wow, that's really
flattering, but no.
I couldn't.
Dude, you know I love you,
but Tara and I decided to
have one child for a reason.
There's only so much
room on this planet.
I'm so sorry.
You see?
That's why I chose you.
You're a good man, Phil.
I'm sorry, I was so afraid
that you were gonna say yes.
I - I should have trusted you.
Serena, if there's anything else
we can do to help you out.
Well...Where's that
drumstick you mentioned?
Sorry.
Hey! I got your text.
I've been thinking about
the you and the me
and that lonely red shoe.
Just because we're married
doesn't mean we have
to share everything.
Ok.
So this is the ta-dah part.
(Orchestral flourish)
Jessie: Wow.
And my other shoe!
Look inside.
(Gasp) My own private cell phone!
We can find other
places to cut corners.
But I can't sleep without you, Jess.
Awww!
And I know there'll be days
when you want your own space
and that's fine.
And you can have the bed to yourself
whenever you want it.
But just say you'll come home.
Who could say no to
a closet like that?
And I will take you
up on the bed offer.
But not tonight.
(Click)
(Ocean surf)
Ever done it on a beach?
Surf's up!
Well, I'll ask
around for you.
I know a lot of fabulous men.
Or there's always Ben.
Right, Judith?
Oh yeah.
It makes a lot more sense.
"Once you go Ben,
you'll want it again."
Oh stop.
Did I mention I'm gay?
"Once you go Ben, you're
finished with men."
(Laughter)
Anyway, I found my sperm
donor for what it's worth.
Thanks for the drumstick.
Carter!
I don't know who Phil Collins is,
but you will never
guess what I had to do
to get his drumstick.
Ebay, here I come.
Adriano_CSI