18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 8 - Phil 'Er Up - full transcript

A fight between Phil and Tara forces the newlyweds to take Phil on as a roommate.

I'm off to the movies with Carter.

What, no Jessie?

Oh, she's hanging with her folks.

They're having a "family
togetherness" day.

Family togetherness.

Always some crazy hippy
thing with them, huh?

Yes, Dad. They like to spend time
with one another and are therefore,

crazy hippies.

Jessie! Jessie!

Thought you could take me
on the last turn, did you?

Please. I lapped Sure you did.
You. Twice!

Where have you two been? We did.
We stopped at the Go-Kart track on the way back.

Actually it was on the way there.

Oh no. I hope the gardening
store's still open.

We were supposed to spend
the day gardening.

Jessie and I were going
to plant tulip bulbs.

We'll plant them later, Mom.

Dad just wanted to have a little fun.

I don't need you encouraging him.
You could have called.

Why would we call?
Go-karting makes you nauseous.

Do you always have to act
like an overgrown teenager?

I'm not a teenager.
I'm Phil.

Look, "Phil"!

I am all down with the Carpe Diem,

the je ne sais quoi and
the joie de vivre,

but at some point you have
GOT to have an off switch!

Sometimes you need to just need to...

Tend your own garden?


You know what?

Sometimes I wish you
would act your age.





What do you think of their
little communist utopia now?

♪ ♪

Can't we find a way
that we could be together?

Is there any way that
we could be together?

And oh by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do! Yes, I do!
Yes, I do!

What's the big
deal, Jessie?

It's not like your parents
never fought before.

But I've never seen them argue like this.
I don't know what to do.

"Stay out of it."

That's four words, college dropout.

I can't stay out of it.

Dad was just being Dad.
You know? Cool.

See, I don't get that.

I mean, I've barely spoken
to mine in like, six years.

What happened?

I turned twelve.

My dad's different.

He can be pretty awesome
if Mom ever lets him.

She kinda does, Jess.

Most of the time.

She can't expect him to just turn
it off whenever it suits her.

I'm talking to her.

You don't wanna get between a couple.

Unless they're twin gymnasts.

I'm not getting between anything.

I'm just gonna go to my mom,
talk to her rationally,

and tell her why she's wrong.

Uh, you might wanna re-think
the last part, cupcake.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Hey, roommates!

I can't believe Mom
actually kicked you out.

I was only trying to make our case.

Confronting your mom when she's upset
is like throwing chum to sharks.

Only you're the chum
and she's the shark...

that's eating the chum...t
hat is you. I get it.

So you're going to be crashing
on the couch, if that's cool.

Hey, I can sleep soundly lying upside-down
naked on cement church stairs.

In fact, I have!


Seriously, this is just one night.

So this totally doesn't
have to be awkward.

Well, I'm going to bed.





♪ ♪

Did you just call me Phil?

No, no, no.


Oh, you mean Phil's in our house.

Why the heck is Phil in our house?

I don't know.

Go get rid of him.

I'll deal with it tomorrow.

We don't want all those oysters
going to waste, do we?

Doesn't it kinda bother you
that Phil is up there?

Well, kinda, but let's not let
this ruin the mood. Come on.

I don't know. I just keep picturing his hairy
toes and his hairy back and his hairy...

I'm out.

.. and then your uncle spewed
his nachos and Cuervo Gold

all over Tara's rosemary patch.

Which we blamed on the
Morton's Chihuahua, remember?

And she totally bought it because of
that "stomach disease" you made up.

"Scorpina". I named it after
one of the evil Power Rangers.

I remember how much you
liked those villains.

There was Goldar and Repulsa and...
Wayne Newton?

Tom's parents.

We wanted to give our ears
a break, so we hid it.

For a second there I thought
you'd been indoctrinated.

I'd rather be water-boarded with cough
syrup than listen to this. Yikes.

You don't have to listen to anything
you don't like as long as you're here.

Just be yourself.

Speaking of being myself...

Oh Dad, no.
You can't spark one in here.

From down south.

Cajun alligator, extra-spicy.

Illicit meat products!
Well played!

♪ ♪

Morning, Phil.

I see you stayed
over last night.

In our house.

Even though yours is...

Well, it's right over there.

Just a little turbulence chez Hill.

Judith, will you excuse
us a second, please?

Phil and I are gonna have a
little one-on-one 'guy talk'

as we're prone to do.

I've never seen that.

Me neither.

Well, let's give it a whirl, huh?


Are you trying to
destroy my love life?

Then what the hell's going on?
Not consciously.

It's no big deal, OK?

Tara got a little ticked cause
I took Jessie go-karting.

Sometimes she doesn't get
my boyish charm. Heh heh.

I doubt this is about
your boyish charm.

Sounds like it's about your daughter.


I suggest you tread lightly
with Tara on this one.

This calls for a real solution,
not a half-assed Phil one.

Trust me on this one, Bud.

There's one thing I know how
to handle, and that's women.

He's staying LONGER?

There was a slight hiccup.

And by hiccup, I mean
an even bigger fight.

I told you to stay out of it.

Look, I like your dad just
fine, but not as a roommate.

And I told you.

My dad is cool.

He does tai-chi in his back yard
wearing smiley-face boxers,

and I'm pretty sure
he's not being ironic.

Hey, I bought him those boxers.

Yeah, well they're a little loose-fitting for
slo-mo leg lifts, if you know what I mean.

Relax, Tom. You won't even
notice that he's there.

Since when are we into soy milk?

Dad's lactose intolerant.

It's just one night.

And the Hindenburg
was just one flight!

Look, I had the afternoon off.

I was gonna surprise you
with home-made pizza.

Really? That's so sweet!
Can we postpone until tomorrow?

That way you and dad'll have a chance
to get to know each other better.

I've seen his testicles, Jess.
I know him better than you think.

It'll be fine.

You two'll get along
like old frat buddies.

Pork rind?

I'm Jewish.


Whoa, there goes my cellphone.

I didn't hear anything.

It's on vibrate.


- In-law-in-the-attic!

I need you to drop everything
you're doing and get over here.

Don't you mean who I'm doing?

I'm kidding.

I'm serious, Carter!

OK, just relax!

Where are you?

I'm on the fire escape.

I can't go back in there; it's How weird?
Too weird.

Worse than when your mom
dated your chemistry

and biology teachers at the same time.

OK, just listen.

Don't make prolonged
eye contact, OK?

Find a mutual distraction,
like a computer or a radio.

Just make small talk.

I can't make small talk.

I talk about sex when I get nervous.

Hey Tom, how's the weather?


I'll be right there.

They're called Silent Destruction.

Makes Nine Inch Nails sound
like a bunch of thumbtacks.

And check this out. You haven't done
the deed until you've done it to...



What the hell are you doing?

You're welcome.

What, did your father
forget his whoopee cushion?

Forgot my textbook.

And don't exaggerate;
He's not a teenager.

Jessie, you only get a
little bit of your father,

and a little goes a long way.

He's like blue cheese,
or Robin Williams.

Dad's totally fun.

And you should take him back.

Not without an apology.

He already apologized!

Yeah, you know what he said?

He didn't say "Sorry
I screwed up."

He said "I'm sorry you're mad.

Well, maybe you're the one
who should be apologizing.

Did you ever think about that?

I'll just go.

Dude! You were supposed
to help me deal

with my father-in-law,

not humiliate him.

Hey. It's not my fault
the old guy's aging ears

aren't up to the awesomeness
of Silent Destruction.

Maybe it's cause they're
just watered down Melvins

with a little early Sabbath thrown in.

Went back to the garage;
Picked up some real tunage.

I'm so sorry.
This - this wasn't my idea.

I'm disappointed in
you, young Tomwalker.

Here I thought you were the
brains behind the operation.

See in my day, it was 'get rid of the
old guy so we could steal his booze.'

But you guys are all like 'get rid of
the old guy so we can play X-Box.'

Same basic idea, but lamer.

You knew?

As obvious as your cologne.

It's body spray.

So could we not mention
this to Jessie?

If you want me to zip it, you're gonna have
to let the old man play in the sandbox.

Or in this case, the X-Box.

Ever play Grand Theft?

Four or five?

Five's not out yet.

I know people.

Phil! Phil! Phil!
Phil! Phil! Phil!

I knew you guys would get along!

Yeah, you're just in time.

Your dad so far has killed
eighty-three people.

Oh, cool!
Dad, can you scooch over?

Yeah, yeah, just a sec, Jess.

Watch out, the cops!

Any more jerky?

Sorry, no.

I guess I'll just go to bed and study.


So this is your idea of
getting things done?

Relax, dude.

You said this calls
for a real solution?

These things take time.

Are you talking about
your relationship,

or finishing Grand Theft Auto?

In this case, Grand Theft Auto,
but the other thing, too.

I am taking this
very seriously.

Very seriously.

Forgot the beer bong.

No worries, Ava.
I think it's a good thing.

Good for Dad, good for Tom.
Good for me.

Call me later, bye.


Look at this wall!
It's ruined!

Oh come on, a can of touch-up,
some putty, it'll be good as new.

Yeah, your old
man's got it covered.

Hooked us up with some paint.

Except they didn't have
"dreamweaver grey"

so I got white and mixed
it with a Sharpie.

You know, I spent a long time
arranging all this furniture.

Yeah, I kinda felt bad about that,

but then your dad reminded me
that you like to change it up.

Tom, I thought you were
gonna make that pizza.

Oh, can we postpone until tomorrow?

Your dad's gonna take
us to Big Willie's.

Home of the seventy-two
ounce porterhouse.

Finish it, it's free.

Dude, you're never gonna finish it.

Who cares?
It's free.

No! For the last time...
Never mind.

But the whole point is that we were
gonna stay in tonight. You know? Alone?

But it's gonna be so much fun!

I just wish you would
have asked first.

Why would I ask?
You love surprises.

Plus, we wouldn't want to spill pizza
sauce on your dad's bed, right?

You're staying another night?

That's not a problem, is it, kiddo?


Got your text.
What's up?

I can't live this way.
He's taken over.

You were right, Ava.
I've created a monster.

A dad-ster.

A mons-dad.
A mon...

It's not working, dollface.

The point is, you've got to help me.

I want him out.

Well, what
about sarcasm?

Isn't that what you use to keep
your dad out of your life?

Honey, my daddy issues run
deeper than the Grand Canyon.

Sarcasm is just an hors d'oeuvre.

Well, how would you handle this?

I'd expose his insecurity,
pump him full of hope,

and then machine-gun him
limp with laser sharp barbs.

Yes! To the barb part,
and the lasers.

Whatever gets rid of Dad.

No. See, that's what I'd
do, but you like your dad.

You don't use a wrecking
ball to hammer a nail.

Well, at least give me something.

A tidbit, a scheme...

The enemy of your
enemy is your friend.

Jessie, how thoughtful.

I just figured having my dad
upstairs must be pretty hard,

so I wanted to do
something as a thank you.

So what's the deal with these?

Is he allergic?

So how do they They don't.
Get rid of him?

Not much of a 'thank you', is it?

Oh! You guys don't
want my dad here?

Are you new?

What would possibly
make you think we enjoy

having that man living upstairs?

I just assumed that's why you haven't
been playing any Wayne Newton.

We're not following.

My dad hates Wayne Newton.

I've actually been missing
my Wayne Newton for weeks.

Must have got mixed
it up in the laundry.

I'm late for class.

♪ I want some
red roses for a blue lady. ♪

What the hell is that?

Make. The Wayne.


I'll take care of this.


Oh hey, Phil.

Hope it's not too loud.

Not too loud at all.


Hey Mom.
Dad back yet?

Why would he be back?

I don't know; I just figured he might
be getting a little tired of me.

Oh, you sure it's not
the other way around?

No! No.
Dad's fun, always has been.

Ha ha.
That's right, sweetie.

At least, that's what Ben
and Judith seem to think.

♪ Send them to the
sweetest gal in town... ♪

Oh no.

♪ And if they do the trick,
I'll hurry back to pick.. ♪

Close the window, Jess!
It's too bright.

♪ Your best white orchid
for her wedding gown. ♪

Look at that, a pair of queens.

Read 'em and weep,
ladies and gentlemen.

This pot is mine.

Sorry, Phil.

Oh, no!

Look at you with American Airlines!

Nicely played, Judith.

Anyone for a drink?

What's going on?

We're playing Texas Hold'em.
Grab a chair.

And what's with the Wayne Newton?

Actually, he goes
pretty well with poker.

Yeah, it's got a real um...

How'd you put it again, Phil?

"Retro-kitsch factor".

And you're OK with this?

You know how much we love our Vegas.

Absolutely. Any friend of Mr.
Newton's a friend of ours. Crank it!

Oh yeah.

Hope those pretty flowers
chase her blues away

Wrap up some red roses
for a blue lady...

It's me.

Deploy the wrecking ball.

You better not be one of those
"quit while you're ahead" fellas.

I hope not.
We have one more joining us.

Please let me love you
Like I once loved you...

Nice tunes. I didn't know Elvis and
Robert Goulet had a love child.

Dig the Marilyn Manson T.

Didn't know the nineties were back.

You know Ava.

Please go easy on her;
She's new to poker.

Oh, just watch us.
You might pick up a thing or two, huh?

"Just watch us, you might
pick up a thing or two."

Shut up, Tom.

I'll see the middle-aged
white guy and raise him ten.

I'll see the over- caffeinated Betty
Page wannabe and raise her ten.

I didn't know a mid-life crisis
could start so late in the game.

See your ten, raise you twenty.

Ava, what's with the 'tude?

I can handle this.

I know you're not supposed to
raise your hand to a child,

but I raise you twenty.

Your humour runs the
gamut from A to B.

Raise you fifty.

All in.


Full house.


I guess we're done here.

They're all leaving.
That was incredible!

I'm not done yet.
Come on.

Now this next part could get ugly.

If you don't want to see your
father cry, I suggest you scatter.

OK. Meet me at the Veg
when you're done.

We're so gonna celebrate.

All right, listen up, tubs.
What I'm about to say may hurt, so...

Excuse me?
You're good with words.

Back there on the table,
I dug the repartee.

Like battling wits
with Dorothy Parker.


Ever thought of being a writer?

Yeah. My dad used to
say the same thing.

Your dad's a wise man.

I gotta go to the hardware store.

Um, mind if I tag along?

I need uh...
gorilla glue.

What'd you do, pack his
bags for him, too?

Oh, he's not leaving.


He's not ready yet, Jessie.

And a man like that
shouldn't be pushed.

He's very...

Oh my God.
You have a crush on my dad!

I do not have a crush!

You do too!

Look at you, twirling
your hair all girlishly!

I like the way he smells, OK?

He's got this intoxicating mixture

of wood chips and Pears soap.

I might vomit.

But for the record, know that I
would never, ever act on it.

Now...while he's still
with your mom. Good!

How's that going anyway?


Coming in here with your
music and your charm

and your...
Pear's soap!

How dare you take away my friends
and turn my life upside-down!

Just being myself.
Isn't that what you want?

What I want is for
you to act your age.

Wow. You really sound
like your mother.

You said you won't take dad
back without an apology.

I think that apology
should come from me.

You were right about dad.
How do you do it?

I don't exactly know.

All I know is it's harder to live
without him than it is with him.

I'm sorry. I never should
have come between you guys.

For what it's worth, I guess
I kind of over-reacted.

Of Maybe I was jealous.

Come on, Jess. I see the way that you two
stick up up for each other all the time.

Like the time that your uncle
puked in my rosemary bush

and you blamed it on that mutt.

You knew about that?

Chihuahuas don't eject three
times their own body weight.

Then why didn't you call us on it?

Because I love what thtwo of you have.

But if you're gonna use a Power
Ranger as a stomach ailment,

make sure it's not one that's
on a poster in your bedroom.

You know, Dad's fun.

He's "Phil.

But you're my mom.

Hey, don't tell your father I know
about the puking incident, OK?

You know how he loves
to play the rebel.

You know it's funny.

We never would've had
this talk without Dad

so in his own bumbling
way, this was his doing.

To think he has no idea.

So should we like, hug
it out or something?

That's right, baby.

I'm Phil!

You forgive me?

Only if you can the Wayne Newton.

It's kinda growing on me.


A little something I
picked up on my travels.


Dig it.

You naughty boy.

Oh, indeed I am.


Something's not working.

Oh, it's working.

The music.

You're right.

Silent Destruction is
so one sentence ago.

Retro's the way, baby.

Send them to the
sweetest gal in town

And if they do the trick

I'll hurry back to pick ª

Your best white orchid for
her wedding gown...