18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 7 - Hanging Pictures - full transcript

Tom discovers that parental endorsement does nothing for his sex life.

Hey, handsome.

Hey, it's ...
Jessie, right?

You may remember me
from that rather awesome

sexual encounter twenty minutes ago.

You know, it does ring a bell, yes.

Ready for round two?

What, so soon?

I don't if I can ...

Wait! Nope.
We're good.

(LAUGH)

(DISTANT THUMPING)



OK, that is a mood killer.

The noise?
Oh, don't worry about it.

My dad usually finishes pretty fast.

What?
Something wrong?

No, I'm just trying to think
of a stronger word for ewwww!

He's just hanging a picture.

That's an interesting euphemism.

No. He and Mom, you know, they're
just rearranging the artwork.

Reworking the dècor.

It's been going on for years.

OK, Tom?

I want you to stop for a minute and
think about what you're saying.

(JAZZ GUITAR STRUMMING)

Oh.
I'm sorry, son.



Did we wake you?

I was just uh ...
hanging a picture.

Eh?

Come on, back to bed.

Phew!

Just hanging a picture, son.

C'mon.
Off to bed.

Whoo!

Oh. Oh!

Uh, big Picasso, little nail.

(CHUCKLE)

Oh my God!

My parents have sex!

Remind me to talk to you about
the Tooth Fairy someday.

Can't we find a way
that we could be together?

Is there any way
that we could be together?

And oh by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do! Yes, I do!
Yes, I do!

Mm hm.

Pass the ketchup there please, honey.

Try banging it, dear.

(MUTED TRUMPET THEME)

Harder.

(WAWA GUITAR)

Don't stop; it's coming.

Ahhhh!
There we go.

You want your banana?

Yeah, I'll split it with you.

You know what?
I'm starving!

Just give it to me.

Pass the salt, please.

OK!
Get a room!

Tom?
What's with you?

Jessie! Tom's just upset because
we heard you this morning.

Hanging pictures.

Oh.

I'm sorry.
I know it's awkward.

JUDITH: Don't be silly!

It's perfectly natural.

Your mother's right.
Salt please, honey.

Sorry.

Aren't you embarrassed?

Why?

We're married; you're married.

What's the big deal?

It's not like we don't hear you guys.

Ugh!

What, are you full, Tom?

Yeah.

Let's go with that.

(BLUES)

A hundred and thirty-two.

Minus eleven.

Good.

Ninety-two.

Wow. Wendy seems to be really
enjoying her new tutoring job, huh?

It's not the job.

I think our little girl's
got her first crush.

What? Don't be ridiculous!
She's twelve years old.

Do you have any more ginger snaps?

They're for Adam.

I'm just going to go
and read something.

Excuse me.

JUDITH: So!

You think your boyfriend would
like some milk with these?

He is not my boyfriend!

Our relationship is
purely professional.

And I would appreciate if you
didn't start any unfounded rumours.

And yet, you put on your favourite
blouse before he came over.

It's my business attire.

All right.
Whatever you say.

Mom!

It's OK!
He can't hear me winking, honey.

(SIGH)

BEN: And that, my friend, is
the best part of being a judge.

Dad! Don't you have to
file a tort or something?

Yeah.

OK?

♪

Hey, baby.

What are you doing!

A Sudoku puzzle, what
do you think I'm doing?

Sorry.
I...

Everything OK?

Yeah, it's just...

It's kinda hot in here.

Easy fix!

♪ (BIG BAND FUNK) ♪

(GIGGLE)

♪

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

What now?

Sorry, it's just...

There's a Sudsy and Jake
marathon on TV tonight.

All right, Tom, what is it?

Well, it's this show about these
two brothers who run a car wash--

No! I've never seen you turn
down sex for vintage sit-coms.

(SIGH)

OK.
It's my parents.

But it's totally quiet; no
one's hanging any pictures.

But doesn't it bother you that it doesn't
bother them that we're having sex?

I thought it was a good thing.

But they're so cool about it.

What do you want them to do?
Keep us in separate cages?

We're married!

Why does everybody keep saying that!

Sorry. OK.
Let's try this.

Yeah, we watch the first couple
episodes of Sudsy and Jake; Yeah?

see how we feel.

(SIGH)

JESSIE: Can I
ask you something?

Yeah, sure, baby.
What's up?

Have you and Dad ever had a ...
slow period?

Your father does everything slow.

Can you be a little more specific?

I meant in the bedroom.

Oh.

Sex.

Well.
Yeah, sure.

Sometimes.

But then, we discover some
new mind-blowing position.

Oh!
Here.

Let me show you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Mom!

What?
You asked.

I guess I thought you'd
dress it up a little.

You've been living with
the Bellows far too long.

Fine. the truth is that men like to be
seduced just as much as us girls do.

Really?
Sure!

So don't be afraid to use the
old standbys like music,

rose petals, sensual massage...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Father within earshot.

Just talking about sex.

Yeah, with our Jessie.

Our little Jessie.

With our big Jessie.

Our big, married Jessie.

You can at least use a euphemism.

Like hanging pictures?

Exactly.
What?

You know, Phil? Sometimes you can be
just as much of a tight-ass as Ben.

Actually, Ben's OK with us having sex.

That's cause he's a crazy
right-wing demagogue.

But in this case,
wouldn't that make you...

He's a crazy!

Right-wing!

Demagogue!

Your father's not comfortable when
people step out of their roles.

(GASP) You know what?

Role-playing!

Yeah.

♪ (BLUES) ♪

Yes!

Hey, Adam.

Oh.
Hey.

Can I ask you Shoot.
a question?

Is it possible that you and I
are like, you know, a thing?

Yes!

Killed the dwarf.

Were you saying something?

Nothing.

Listen, Wendy.

Um, I think it would be best
if you don't tutor me anymore.

You do?

Yeah, I mean, thanks for everything.

I appreciate it.

Adam?

Was it something I said?

No. More like something
your dad said.

You listen up, Casanova.
I've already got one kid married at eighteen;

I'm not looking to break any records.
You got me?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about my daughter.

Back off, or else.

I'm a judge, you know.
I can make things happen.

Like say, your father cheated
on his taxes a few years ago.

Got the case thrown out. Boom!
Back on like Donkey Kong.

Three to five in the clink.
You know what I'm saying?

Oh!
Dad!

And that, my friend, is the
best part of being a judge.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

I'm gonna kill him!

Wendy, you can't kill a judge;
he'll send you to prison for sure.

Homework assignment: Find the
flaw in your last sentence.

What?

Oh!

(TRIUMPHANT LAUGH) Nailed it!

Can we not talk about nailing
things for the next little while?

Oh, dude.
You should just let it go.

So your parents do it.

Your mom's pretty hot.

First of all, shut up.

Second of all, that's not the point.

And third of all, shut up!

You know what would
help you get past this?

A time machine!

Practice.
You gotta get back in the game.

You know, strap on the old suit.

I get it. Go deep or go
home, if you get what I'm--

Don't worry.
I've got my own plan.

What's that?

Avoid sex altogether.

Are you outta your mind?

You're eighteen.

We've had sex like dozens of times.

Maybe she's over it.

You just play with me to make
yourself feel better, don't you?

Pretty much.

♪ (TECHNO-POP) ♪

Hey there, quarterback.

Ow!

Great game.

Wow.

Great outfit.

You look a bit stiff.

Need a rubdown?

OK. This cheerleader thing is
seriously doin' it for me.

Not sure about the flower petals
or the techno, but whatever.

I had trouble committing to a theme.

Eclectic works.

Best idea you've ever had.

Score one for Mom!

What!

Nothing.

You talked to your mother?

Who else was I supposed to ask?

I don't know; post a question online.

Ask the creepy guy who hangs out
by the bus station. Anybody!

Why is this such a big deal?

It's bad enough my parents
are OK with our sex life,

but now your parents are, too?

Tom, it's not as bad as you think.

How delightful that our
children are fornicating.

Indeed.

At least we don't have
to hide it anymore.

That's the point.

Where's the fun?

The danger?

The feeling we're getting
away with something?

We're not egging someone's
house, Tom; we're having sex.

If it makes you feel any better,

my dad is totally
freaked by the thought.

Really?

♪ (BIG BAND FUNK) ♪

♪

I can't believe we're
actually doing it.

I can't believe we never thought of it before.
What if he catches us?

Oh, he won't be back for hours. Besides, I made
sure to bolt the door, pull the blinds ...

You're not very good
at this game, are you.

Right.
He could be back any minute.

Oh Tom, I'm so worried.

What if he walks through
the door right now?

(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)

(GASP)

(SQUEAKING DOOR)

(DOGS BARKING)

(CRASH)

(BREAKING GLASS)

Hi, Daddy.

(BIG BAND FUNK)

What is that smell?

Butoxi ethanol.

That can't be good
for the environment.

Screw the environment!

There!
I said it!

All right.

Don't you think that you're going
just a little overboard here, Phil?

You couldn't understand
unless you were there.

It's like Vietnam, man.

You weren't in Vietnam.

Oh, wasn't I?

(RADIO OVER CHOPPER)

(EXPLOSION)

Mom?

I need more pudding.

No, Philip!
You've already had three.

OK.
I wasn't.

But I know that this is worse.

Oh, come on, Phil.

Surely a part of your brain knew
that Tom and Jessie were having sex.

Yes!
Just not the eyes part.

Well, you're gonna
have to get over it.

Don't you think I'm trying?

I've already gone through a
half a tray of brownies.

Those are from Judith.

There is nothing in them.

Weird.

Cause I'm seeing colours here.

It's the butoxi ethanol.

(WHISPERING) Yeah, most likely, yeah.

Please.
Just try and get past this.

I'susure Jessie has.

Do you think this could pull
off a full frontal lobotomy?

You were the ones who
wanted to get caught.

No, we like the threat of getting
caught; there's a difference.

AVA: What were you guys doing
there in the first place?

Yeah, sex doesn't have to be
dirty or illicit to be good.

(GIGGLES)

Yeah, right.

TOM: This
isn't funny, guys.

It's like the time you and I
snuck into an R-rated movie.

How is this like Goat Fraternity?

At first, it was forbidden, like we
were getting away with something.

But then when nobody cared,
it wasn't fun anymore.

CARTER: What
are you, nuts?

Those guys were running
a fraternity for goats.

Wish my father were a goat.

There's something you
don't hear every day.

This sucks; we can't do it at home.

We can't do it at your parents' place.

Where'd you guys have sex
before you got married?

Behind the shed.

Oh. So why not do
a little reboot?

Go back to where the magic began.

(BIG BAND SWING)

MALE SINGER: Please let me love
you like I once loved you ...

Why can't we start again?

Oh!

Allo.

Hello.

Oh my God.

I remember that jacket.

So...
what's the occasion?

I don't know.

Tom and Jessie are out.

Wendy's at her fencing practice
and I thought maybe...

maybe we could uh...

I don't know...
hang a picture right here for a change.

You know how I love to...
redecorate.

Eh?

Mmmm.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Did you threaten Adam?

Oh, good; you're home early.

Answer the question!

Yes, Ben.
Answer the question.

Ow!

Did you threaten Wendy's boyfriend?

He's not my boyfriend!

I didn't threaten him.
OK?

What did you say?

Ben.
What did you say?

Oh, for the love of ...
I made a little joke. OK?

He must've taken it the
wrong way, that's all.

That's great, Dad.
You just keep on being funny

and I'm going to grow old and alone

like one of those Grey Gardens ladies
with the cats and the raccoons.

Should never have let her
watch that movie, huh?

Anyway.
Where were we?

Benjamin Herbert Bellow.

I don't know what you did,
but you better undo it.

Or you won't be hanging
any more pictures again.

I - Oh!

(RASPBERRY)

A man can't stare at blank
walls forever, Judith.

Is the coast clear?

No, Tom; your dad's out
gardening t the dark.

You really don't get
this game, do you?

(WHISPERING) Oh, sorry.

♪

I think our old spot's over here.

No, I think it's over here.

Ow!
Thorns.

It's all part of the adventure.

Oh!

Was there always a nail there?

Let's just ...
lie down here.

OK.

Ah.

Oh.
Tom?

What?

I think I'm lying on a pine cone.

Or is it petrified dog crap?

It's not petrified.

(WHIMPER)

(EIGHTIES TV THEME)

TV: Stay tuned for the
Sudsy and Jake marathon!

Fourteen straight hours of
non-stop eighties hilarity!

(SAME TV THEME)

(SAME TV THEME)

(SIGH)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(KNOCKING)

Adam's here.

Adam is here!

(LAUGH) Adam!
What a pleasant surprise.

What brings you to our neck of the ...
street here.

You called my mom and
she made me come over?

Oh!
Love that dry wit of yours.

Wendy!

Your amusing little friend is here.

There he is.

Hi.

Adamski.

We'll just leave the two of you alone.

Oh!
Yeah, yeah.

So are we back on?

Back on like Donkey Kong.

What's Donkey Kong?

I was hoping you'd know.

Mom?
Dad?

I can still see you.

Pass the ketchup, please?

Oh.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Squeeze bottle.

No need to bang it.

That's handy.

Sure is.

(STRAINED LAUGH)

Banana?

Oh, no thank you.

(SIGH) So!

Carter and Ava want to have
dinner with us tomorrow night.

Oh, good.
I like them.

Yes.
Yeah, they're fun.

OK, Tom!
I can't take it anymore!

It's like we've gone from
eighteen to eighty overnight.

What am I supposed to say?

It's not my fault you
ruined our sex life.

I ruined our sex life?

You're the one who
decided we can't do it

unless it's a dirty secret we
have to hide from the world.

It doesn't have to be a secret!

I just hate that ever since we got
married it became so acceptable.

Oh, so it's not that you
don't want to have sex,

it's that you don't
want to be married.

I never said that.

I'm just a horrible
sex-crazed wife, huh?

Are you making jokes about me
down at the bowling alley?

You're not so perfect!

Maybe if you didn't feel
the need to talk about sex

at the table with my parents,

we wouldn't be in this mess.

Who else am I gonna talk to?

It seems they're the only
adults living in this house.

Are you calling me a child?

Agh!

Are you paying for
my dry cleaning?

Are you wearing a new bra?

You gonna keep asking questions or
are you gonna find out for yourself?

(GIGGLE) ♪

Wow!

♪

How you doin', baby?

Well, I've been thinking
about it and I decided

our little girl's all grown up.

So I might as well acce i it.

Well, I think that is very mature.

Thank you.

But did you really have
to burn the Barcalounger?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

What?

Just seeing the fire
reflecting in your eyes

reminds me of that time we made
love alfresco in Yellowstone Park.

Oh yeah.

You kept calling
yourself Old Faithful.

That was funny.

Yeah.

No.
Not really.

But I was drunk.

That was...
sensational.

(THROATY LAUGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Ready for round two?

So soon.

I'm not sure I can-- Oh,
we're good; we're good!

Oh.

No, no.

I'm sorry.

No.

Ain't happening.

Goodnight, dear.

(BEN GRUNTS)

Wow.

Incredible.

Who knew make-up sex could
actually trump the shed?

Guess that means there's
still new territory to mine.

Speaking of new territory...

What say we go for a three-peat?

(DISTANT THUMPING)

(SIGH)

Don't worry, honey.

I'm comfortable with what's
going on downstairs.

(THUMPING CONTINUES)

A little to the left, dear.

(FUNK)

Done.

Adriano_CSI
www.addic7ed.com