18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 3 - It's My Party - full transcript

Jessie makes an ill-fated stab at winning Judith over at her belated bridal shower; while Tom gets roped into letting the dads crash his bachelor party.

Tom: and this is our kitchen.

well, kitchen... Area.

Very exciting.

And yet I yawn for
some reason.

Do you have any
cappuccino?

We don't have a
cappuccino machine.

Espresso?

Instant coffee?

i'm assuming you
have a kettle.

Of course we have a kettle.

Tom, your mom wants
her kettle back.



But I was just gonna
make monica a coffee.

Monica, come down to the real kitchen;
i'll make you something decent.

Ok, is it just me, or does your mom
still think you and I are kind of a joke?

No, no. That's just
how mom talks.

Doesn't mean anything,
right, monica?

Boring. I think the question is:
why don't you have your own stuff?

Oh well. You know the saying.

"the best things in
life aren't things. "

yeah, that's not true.

The problem is you haven't
had a bridal shower.

Oh no, I don't
believe in...

Still boring. Look,
i'll tell you what.

We're gonna organize a bridal shower
and invite all of mom's rich friends.

This place will look
like the back of a mob truck.



I don't know.

Mom does like to
plan a party.

Could be a good chance
for you guys to bond.

You think?

So let me get this straight:
the back of a a mob truck thing

doesn't really do it for
you, but the bonding does.

God, you two are so weird.

Thanks for this, monica.

Your happiness is
thanks enough.

And, I get first pick
of the gifts. Ciao!

I'm still worried your mom
doesn't take us seriously.

You are being crazy.

Look, I will you a killer breakfast
and we'll forget all about it.

Just gotta borrow
the frying pan.

boy: can't we find a way
that we could be together?

girl: is there any way
that we could be together?

both: and oh by the
way, baby, do you love me?

yes, I do! Yes, I do!
yes, I do!

wait. Jessie's
having a bridal shower?

that's awesome.

Yeah, I don't think
we're invited.

No, idiot, see?

If jessie has a shower, that
means you get a bachelor party.

It's called status quo.

Do you mean quid pro quo?

Exactly. Tit for tit.

It's tat.

What'd I say?

tit.

You said tit.

Maybe you're right.

A bachelor party could be a good
excuse to get away from the family.

What's this? Did I hear
something about a bachelor party?

Uh, well uh...

Party is kind of
overstating it.

Tom and I were just planning on
having a nice dinner together.

Oh, that sounds nice, girls,
but you leave it to me.

I've been known to plan a
bachelor party or two in my day.

Oh. Good.

Cause that would mean
you'd... You'd come?

Monica: so for food, we'll
need some hors d'oeuvres

and sandwich trays.

No problem. I'll
call frangelico's.

No. No frangelico's; their
products aren't fair trade.

Well first off,
you don't trade.

You give them money.
Lots, in fact.

I got it, princess.

Frangelico's will
be fine, mom.

Judith, maybe you and I can
work on the menu together.

Oh. That's ok, I
have it covered.

Monica: i'll take care
of drinks and decorations.

and I suppose we'll have
to plan some shower games.

Like what,
pin-the-veil-on-the-bride?

You know that's a
real thing, right?

Wow. I am never
getting married.

Maybe you and I could come
up with some games together.

It's ok, I have a book
around here somewhere.

I'll take care of it.

ben:
i love bachelor parties!

hey, why not have it
right here at the house?

That way I get to meet all your chums
and kick their butts at ping pong.

oh darn.

We're planning on having it the
same night as jessie's shower so...

Phil: you guys
talking bachelor party?

evidently.

If you're looking for a venue,
you could have it here.

Yeah, I don't
think my dad...

Done.

Really?

Now listen; these boys are young,
so I don't want any blue movies

but I thought we could get those little
swizzle sticks shaped like naked ladies.

I love those!

Now they get along.

Monica:
so invites?

here we go.

They're made from
composted material

and coloured
with vegetable dye.

Is that... Barley?

Buckwheat.

I took the liberty of
drawing up a guest list.

Are these arranged in
order of net worth?

Alphabetical tells
us nothing.

I have a list of my
friends too, judith.

Should we combine them?

No, that's fine.

Why don't you send your
invitations and I'll send mine.

There's no point in
over-complicating things.

We're, uh...

We're really starting to bond.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

The only reason I agreed to a
shower was to bond with your mom,

and now she
won't let me.

Whatever do you mean?

Well, I keep suggesting fun things we can
work on together, you know, as a team...

Ok. Stop right there.

What?

My mom doesn't exactly
do the "team" thing.

You want to connect with her, there's
gotta be a little give and... Give.

Stay away from words like
"together" and "team".

And "fun. "

what does that leave?

Tagging along.

So if I want your mom to like me,
i'm supposed to just follow her around

and agree to
whatever she wants?

No, I...

Yeah, actually,
that's it exactly!

I want to write that down.

How did you say it, again?
It was really concise.

tom!

Look on the bright side.

My dad could be
planning your shower.

Your father might throw
a good bachelor party.

You don't know.

Yeah, I do.

My dad's not good
at parties.

If either party disagrees with my decision,
they can file what's called an appeal.

Now an appeal... Yes?

Can you cast spells
with your hammer?

I'm not a wizard, kid.
I'm a judge.

And this is a gavel. Ok?

My friends come to this party
and I can kiss my rep goodbye.

Really?

"rep?"

no good?

Yeah, nobody talks
like that anymore.

I'll tell you one thing.

Our friends come to this party,
you can kiss your rep goodbye.

So what do I do now?

Dead simple.

We party with your two
dads at the hill's place...

I wish you wouldn't
call them my two dads.

...but we tell the boys to
meet us at the frat house,

where the real party
kicks in

after your father nods
off watching fox news.

The frat house?

Yeah, the frat house!

I mean we got tunes, beers,
guys acting like idiots...

Cool, so like any other night at the
frat house except there won't be girls.

Jeez, when you say it
like that it sounds lame.

Oh, wait, no, there's
gonna be a stripper.

Ha ha. I forgot to
mention the stripper.

I would've led
with the stripper.

Yeah, good note.



I don't think the shower guests
are going to want to play

a hannah montana
board game, sweetie.

There's a drinking version.

Anything I can do to help
with party prep, judith?

I don't think so.

Invitations?

Taken care of.

Picking them
up right now. Decorations?

Music?

I've got plenty of cds.

wow.

These are great.

Michael buble.

The lighter side of...

Michael buble.

You're really good at this.

Thank you, jessie.

Um, could I come with you
to pick up the decorations?

I've already chosen the
colour scheme, you know.

Oh no, I know, I know.

I just... I thought it might be
fun to maybe, carry a box?

Sure. Why not?

ok.



That was fun.

I'm glad we got to
spend time together.

You know what?

I am too.

You sound surprised.

Well, I usually do this
sort of thing on my own.

Oh, that's silly, judith.

You're not a control freak.

Who said I was?

Nobody.

Hey, here's something!

Did you know I've always
loved those jeans on you?

Yeah. You have such
great taste in...

High-waisted pants.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe someday you can
show me where you buy them.

Well, the stores are
open for another hour.

oh.

Taxi!



Oh, let me help you there.

Oh, thanks.

Tonight's really
gonna be fun.

Way better than
tom's bachelor thing.

Oh, I don't know. Ben
throws a pretty good party.

And then they burned
my village down.

ok. Well.

Maybe wedding night stories
weren't such a great idea.

What say we kick this party into
high gear with a little chateau hill?

yes! All right!

no, no phil. I can't allow
that. These boys are underage.

I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

Anywhere but here.

¶ ¶

ava:
these are judith's friends?

they're a little more
candle-and-sandal than I expected.

These are my friends.

Oh. They're nice.

We need a cork screw, and b
where the hell are mom's friends?

It's early. The party
just started.

I didn't suggest this so I could get
a bunch of hand-knitted tea cozies.

I want my weight in
cold hard appliances.

You said you just
wanted one gift.

I re-negotiated the
terms of our agreement.

You weren't there.

But...

Cork screw.



jessie?

You never mailed the
invitations to your friends?

Wait. It's not as bad
as you think.

It's not that i
don't like you;

it's just that, I haven't
told any of my friends

that tom got
married... To you.

How is that not
as bad as I think?

Ok, you're right. It is
as bad as you think.

You know what?

This party was a
terrible idea.



I've been to worse.

Nora:
this is fun.

how come you never had a
shower for your wedding, tara?

Because phil and I never
actually got married, remember?

That's great.

Jerry and I have an
open relationship, too.

We don't have an
open relationship.

Yeah, no, we
don't either.

Hey jess. You ok?

Great. Just great.

Come on, I know
that you're upset. Spill.

Tom's mother didn't invite any of her friends
because she's embarrassed tom married me

and she's never going to accept
me; she's a miserable shrew

and those high-waisted
jeans chafed my ribcage.

Man, when somebody
says spill, you spill.

Tara:
everyone?

I would like to propose a
toast to a very special lady.

I think you all know
who I'm talking about.

our hostess, judith bellow,
party planner extraordinaire,

and someone who obviously
loves jessie very much.

Everyone.

To judith!

All:
to judith!

to judith.

Yahtzee!

Hoo hoo.

Man oh man, this
place is dead.

You sure you gave your
friends the right address?

More so with each
passing second.

Boy, I could use a soda pop.

How's the real party going?

Check it out.

I did not know a dog
could funnel beer.

I can't believe we're
missing this party.

I thought your dad
would be asleep by now.

it's eight-thirty. How
old did you think he was?

I dunno. Seventy?

What are you
guys looking at?

Uh, an application that
tracks climate change.

Apparently it's
still happening.

Let's see.

Now that is a par-tay.

What's this?

Oh, this is going
on right now, is it?

Uh, yeah. I guess the
guys at the frat house

are having a thing
tonight, too.

So if you boys would rather go
there, it's all right with us.

Seriously?

Sure, why not?

All right!

Whose car are we taking?

we're about to start the
games. Are you coming?

I guess I didn't
get my invitation.

I deserve that.

Why don't you just admit that you still
don't take this marriage seriously?

All right!

I don't take it seriously.

You want to know what really went through my head?
- Yeah.

I thought that maybe if I don't tell my
friends that my 18-year-old son got married,

then maybe I won't have to tell
them when he gets divorced.

I can't believe
you just said that.

Well? Don't ask the question if
you don't want to hear the answer.

We're not going to
get divorced, judith!

We love each other.

You don't know what love is.
You met when you were children.

So what?

When I met ben, I was an adult.
I remember every detail:

his crisp blue blazer,

the sweat on his upper lip as he hurled
insults at the "no nukes" protesters.

That's when I knew he
was the one for me.

I just want my son
to have what I have.

Instead he marries
the girl next door.

That's not love,
it's convenience.

Well, thank you for
clearing that up.

I've gotta go lie down.



Um, we're out of
salmon thingies?

¶ ¶

the philster!

How do they know you?

I was the condom rep on
campus for a couple of weeks.

How do you think they
learned to play fris-beer?

Yo! You are nuts.

This might not be so bad.

Narc!

Ok everyone, we're going
to play the newlywed game.

So we quizzed tom on a
bunch of questions

and now we're gonna see how well
jessie knows my idiot brother.

I mean, her loving
husband... Who's an idiot.

And if she gets the answer
wrong, she has to take a drink?

No. So the first question comes
from tara, mother of the bride.

All right.

For ten points: what did tom say his
favourite fast food restaurant was?

Does it matter?

No one thinks this marriage
is going to last anyway.

I'm sorry, the answer we
were looking for was arby's!

Arby's.



Hey, bellow, is that your dad?

Yeah, it is.

Thanks, buddy.

He's old.

And he's killing his liver.

Woman: all right,
everybody, knock it off!

so even though you boys
have an exam on monday,

you're all in here partying
like a bunch of animals.

Well apparently, I'm going to
have to teach you all a lesson.

¶ ¶



carter! I can't get a lap
dance in front of my dad!

Carter:
you are now.



oh my god, ben bellow?

amber? How are you, hon?

Good to see you! I'm
doing great! How are you?

It's been such a long time.
We have to catch up!

Absolutely. Listen, go easy
on him, will you, sweetheart?

It's my son.

That's so cute!

Guy:
all right, here we go.



carter:
how do you know her?

she's been in and out of my courtroom
a few times and I decided to be lenient.

You know, get her
some counselling.

apparently, it really
helped turn her life around.

but she's a stripper.

Yeah.

But she used to be
an investment banker.

"what would your husband like to have
more than anything else in the world?"

a second shot at happiness
with someone he hasn't met?

Hmm, is everything
ok, jess?

Yeah, sweetie. I mean I don't want to
get all motherly on you or anything,

but you really suck
at this game.

I'm sorry.

I'm ruining everyone's fun.

Let's keep going.

Ok, jess. Moving on to the next
question so we can move on to the gifts.

What would tom say was the moment
the two of you both fell in love?

Well. Um, I can't say for sure
what the moment for tom was.

But I remember mine.

it was the first grade.

I was the new kid
and kind of shy.

I looked across the
playground and there was tom.

in blue overalls, sneakers
and mismatched socks.

i couldn't take my
eyes off him.

and not just because of the
chocolate pudding all over his face.

it was like time
slowed down.

he smiled at me and then all of
a sudden he shouted - look out!

And I turned and i just missed
being puked on by kent paulsen.

tom always has my back.

that's one of the reasons
why I married him.

And it's been that way for as
long as I can remember, I just...

I didn't realize
it until now.

Others:
awww.

ben: now a word
about vermouth:

personally, I
never touch the stuff,

but it's always good to have a
little on hand for the ladies.

Tom: he's doing
the vermouth speech.

this is brutal.

Relax, man.

Everyone loves him.

Are you sure they're
not just humouring him?

Dude. That guy's
taking notes.

ben: let's say you find
yourself after work with a date.

no time to go home.

Well, if you don't have any cologne, try
rubbing a little lemon rind behind your ears.

Where you goin'?
This guy's awesome.

Not like that old dude over
there who's trying too hard.

And another charitable donation
to save the bark beetle. Thank you.

I told my friends that you would probably
want to do something good for the world

rather than just collect
these meaningless trinkets.

god, this party sucks.

Ok, so! Why don't
we cut the cake!

Where's judith?

Oh, I think she's
down for the night.

Judith: say hello to
a few late arrivals.

jessie:
what's going on?

I thought you might like to meet some
friends of mine from the neighbourhood.

So which one is the
lucky bride?

Everyone?

I'd like you all to
meet jessie hill-bellow.

My daughter-in-law.

Mazel tov.

Sorry, jessie.

Just doing the best I can.

Why are you crying?

Because I'm never going
to get a panini maker.

Tom: where did you learn
to hold your liquor like that?

well, son? Your grandmother
was a woman of hidden depths.

Wicked party, tom.

Hey, don't tell your mom
I peed on her hydrangeas.

When did you...?

Those are your
hydrangeas, phil.

oh.

Dad, I have to confess.

I didn't invite anybody
to our bachelor party.

I know, son.

You're unpopular, but
you're not that unpopular.

To be honest, I thought you'd embarrass
me but, you didn't totally suck.

This is a rite of passage in a young man's
life to see his father as a man, not just a dad.

So uh, when do I get that
lesson on the perfect martini?

When you're twenty-five.

Hey! How was your night?

I'm so glad to see you.

I feel the same way.

whoa! Look out!

Well, all things considered
it was a perfect day.

really? It sounded
pretty rough.

You mad at jessie;
jessie mad at you.

Monica going through
everybody's purses for cash.

You do know when you say
'all things considered',

you're not actually supposed
to consider all things.

Oh. Sorry, honey.

I did get to relive one
great memory, though.

The moment that we first met.

Ah... The chair lift.

The gondola?

Spain.

Way to ruin the perfect day.

But it wasn't a perf...

Go to sleep, ben.

chair lift...