18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Modest Proposal - full transcript
Tom and Jessie have been neighbors and in love with each other for years. Yet their parents and their friends remain skeptical that their love will last. So when Tom and Jessie step up and announce that they are getting married at just 18 years old, they are greeted with a fair share of disapproval. However, Tom and Jessie feel their love is truly genuine and plan to prove to their family and friends that love can conquer all.
Ah, love.
It starts with a simple kiss.
A kiss that ignites
a fire so powerful,
it threatens to engulf the
natural world within its white-
Do you mind?
Sorry.
I'm a romantic.
OK.
Back to truth or dare.
We're still playing that?
I thought we were making out.
So you concede?
No way!
Hmm.
What is that?
Road kill?
Sorry, the
answer we're looking for
is what is
Jessie about to lick?
You're disgusting!
And you're stalling,
which would make me
by definition the
winner and you-
Aaaahhh.
That was unexpectedly hot.
And...
gritty.
Yech.
You're up, Tom.
Truth or dare.
Uh, dare.
Interesting strategy.
Foolish, but interesting.
Let's see.
Dressing like a
girl is always good.
But so is public
nakedness.
Uh, you made me do
that last week;
longest bus ride
of my life.
Right.
Too easy.
No.
I need something bigger.
Something that will show me what
Tom Bellow is really made of.
I know.
I dare you to propose.
Propose...
what?
Propose, propose.
Score.
Excuse me?
The bottle behind you,
it's returnable.
You know, I'm
kidding, right?
You and me married?
As if!
We'd have to come up with names for
each other, like Pumpkin or Sugar Plum
and you'd get a briefcase
and you'd go to work
and I'd be all "Have a great
day at work, Pumpkin and..."
Jessie Michelle Hill?
âª
Twelve years as
your neighbour
and suddenly I can't
stop thinking about you.
This is for real.
Will you marry me?
Almost had me, ha ha.
No joke, Jess.
⪠âª
âª
Did you hear us?
We're engaged.
Well, it's out
of the question.
We're not asking;
we're eighteen.
Which makes us adults.
Adults don't need their parents
to drive them to the movies!
Or prepare a hot meal for
them every single night.
Trying to kill your mother here?
Hm?
Jessie's a Gentile!
We haven't been to
temple in years.
You're talking to
Rabbi Schicter.
Schecter!
Schecter!
And how exactly do you expect to support
yourself there, Johnny Grown-up?
I still have savings
from my Bar Mitzvah.
And we all know
Tom's a real entrepreneur.
Get your P, B
and J shooters;
it's peanut butter and
jelly in a glass!
I still say we should've
gone with the lemonade.
Look, Jessie.
We expect this sort
of thing from Tom.
But you are the
responsible one.
Why are you doing this to us?
Because I love him?
You just ended your declaration of
love for my son with a question mark.
This is completely
hypocritical.
You guys got married at
twenty-four, well eighteen?
It's the new twenty-four.
You know
what else it is?
Eighteen!
Hey everyone, since Tom's getting
married, can I have his room?
I'll take that as a yes.
Well, let's see.
When I was 24, I was
holding down three jobs,
finishing my law degree and
supporting my widowed mother.
Tom, I believe on the other hand, just made
it to level two of Ninja Surfers, huh?
Level three.
What is it?
Level three.
Level three!
I rest my case.
You know what, Jessie?
You go next door and talk
to your parents, hm?
Yeah. Maybe they'll knock
some sense into you.
Aw, puppy love!
That's so adorable.
Nothing like first love, huh?
Yeah.
OK, three down: writer
of A Modest Proposal.
Five letters.
Um, did you hear me?
We're engaged.
Wilde.
Actually, it's not that wild.
I love her.
No, no, no. There's a T
As in Oscar, there. five letters.
Guys!
Jessie, what your mother
and I think is irrelevant.
Last time we checked,
you're eighteen.
That's legally an adult.
But don't you have any regrets,
concerns, nuggets of parental wisdom?
Never go to sleep hungry.
Who was that?
Our refugee.
Oh.
Sorry, what?
From Iraq?
Mom!
Dad!
OK, sweetie.
Um, are you sure
that you're in love?
Is this something
that you really want?
Does he satisfy you in bed?
Mom!
Well, honey, because if
there are any issues,
you're more than welcome
to borrow our Kama Sutra.
It really works.
Maybe we should go outside
and come back in again?
Jessie, you know how your mother
and I feel about weddings.
They're an exercise in greed with
absolutely no real bearing on reality.
That doesn't mean we won't
respect your decision.
Thank you, Mr.
and Mrs. Hill.
I uh, I promise to make
your daughter happy.
Swift.
Thanks!
As in Jonathan.
Five letters.
What just happened?
Breathe, Phil.
Just breathe.
You like tigers
You like lions
Do you think that
we can make it last?
You like the bathtub
And you take hot showers
Do you think that
we can make it last?
Yes I do; yes I do Yes I think
that we can make it last
What's with my parents?
Where's the worry?
The angst? The guilt?
At my house taking
a Valium.
At least your parents care
enough to ask questions.
"What are you gonna do
when college starts?"
"How will you get money?
"Where are you gonna live?
Where are we gonna live?
Right now, that's the
least of our worries, OK?
My dad has dialled the
Jewish up to eleven.
He's wearing a yarmulke.
Your dad's about as
Jewish as Conan O'Brien.
Yeah!
He converted.
Shouldn't that
work in our favour?
No. He says we're
practically siblings.
The sibling thing kind of went out the
window when we did it behind the garage.
But...
we are best friends.
I know all your secrets, how you're afraid of
moths and lost the Big V to that guy at judo.
You light candles
when you're sad.
Well, there's plenty of secrets
left to uncover. Trust me.
Really? I'm pretty much
down to my last one.
You have a secret?
No.
Maybe.
Are you sure you want to marry
the guy who made you eat mud?
Actually, no.
But the guy who bought me gummy
bears after judo boy dumped me
and then changed everything
with one single unreal kiss.
Him I'd consider.
Well, the worst is over.
At least our friends
will be happy for us.
No!
No, no, no, no!
We're engaged, Carter, not
gunned down by enemy fire.
People marry at eighteen
all over the world.
Right, Marisa?
You're right, Cupcake and some day many of
those villages will have running water.
You don't know
what you're in for.
Have you ever bought
a chick tampons?
Does he even
know about...
Uh, Tom, buddy.
Don't tell the girls this but you need
to have sex with a lot of other women.
OK, you guys do realize that we're
all sitting here together, right?
There's no split screen?
It's not Grease.
We're just trying to help.
OK, this engagement is a destroyer
of awesome future memories,
most of which
involve nudity.
Oh my God, that's it.
Our cupcake is knocked up!
Whoa.
No one's cupcake is knocked up.
We're in love.
I'm in love with my new patent leather
handbag, but I'm not gonna marry it.
What about the summer?
Our road trip to go see
the White Stripes?
I can't now, buddy.
I want to make this
work, you know?
I love her.
Yeah, that's right!
I love her.
Yeah, I love the way this
girl hums when she studies
and the little dimples she
gets when she smiles.
Yes, I, Tom Bellow, declare that I
will proudly buy this lady tampons!
Nothing?
Well, I wish this
was a split screen.
OK, you got to
me, Honeybear.
Thank you.
Now if only that tampon speech
would work on Tom's dad.
Your dad's OK with it?
Actually, yeah.
Oldest trick in
the book, sweetie.
Sic one dad on the other.
You're good.
It's what I do.
⪠âª
I thought you were
your mother.
Scooch over.
Uh huh.
Any jerky left?
Mm hm.
Shh!
Dad!
If Mom catches us eating dead
animal, she'll skin us alive.
Last one.
Tom's parents are crazy.
His dad especially; he's doing
everything he can to pry us apart.
Is it working?
Well, if he's trying to make us
want this more than ever, yes.
You want me to speak to Ben.
I'll owe you two teriyakis
and a honey garlic.
No way; this is Ben.
You'll have to throw
in some blood sausage.
You're onto blood sausage?
Oooh, it's a slippery slope.
⪠âª
You know, they grow twice as
fast when you cut them back.
I believe that is
an urban myth.
Works with the
hedges down below.
Hey!
Here's something.
What the hell do
you want, Phil?
I want what you want or don't
want, if you catch my drift.
A man whose idea of
curfew is before sunrise
suddenly grows some
parental backbone.
What gives?
Listen very carefully, Ben.
If we're gonna end this
engagement, we need to talk.
If marrying the random girl next
door was our plan for Tom,
we probably would've moved
to a better neighbourhood.
And if indentured servitude was
part of our plan for Jessie,
we'd have moved back into
the eighteen hundreds.
So there! We're in agreement for the
first time since the garbage strike.
Oh, I supported the strike.
Well, you're an idiot.
Boys, please!
Tara. If you and Phil
are against this,
then why didn't you do
something about it?
In a situation like this, Judith,
you can do one of two things:
you can either sit back and play it cool
or you can throw gas onto the flames.
Oh, stay tuned for another thinly-veiled
lecture on global warming.
Dude!
Relax.
If we just cut the kids some slack,
this whole thing's gonna blow over.
We're not going to just stand by and watch
our only son be ripped from our arms!
We have big plans
for Tom.
Hey, we're
down with that.
At his age, he should
be traipsing the globe
with nothing more than a
backpack and a beer bong.
I was talking about college.
I'm gonna punch him.
Look, we're all on
the same side here.
We hate marriage, too.
Who hates marriage?
We don't hate marriage.
You're married!
No, we're not married.
OK, we're done here, Judith.
Come on.
Ben, sit!
Phil!
Can it!
All right.
The Hills don't
believe in marriage
and we don't believe
in this marriage,
then at least we're
on common ground.
Exactly.
And I say that we let them marry
the hell out of each other.
We give them everything
they want and more.
I like it.
They're expecting us to fold.
Instead, we double down.
Yeah. We don't believe
in gambling either.
OK, seriously; I'm
gonna punch him.
Wakey wakey!
Natural Bride.
Something Borrowed.
Eco-Spouse?
I thought you hated weddings.
Hate is such an
ugly word, Jessie.
Not inaccurate,
but ugly.
Am I being
punked?
The truth is, honey, I've been
guilty of the worst sin of all.
Bacon?
Envy.
Oh, sweetie.
I just want you to have
what I've never had.
A white hemp dress.
A bouquet of wild flowers.
A handsome man that you're tied to
by a legal and binding contract
till the day you take your
last sour breath of air.
Who wants a wedding?
⪠âª
âª
I see you brought
in reinforcements.
What do you
mean, sweetie?
I know how this works, OK?
You bring in the big sister from downtown;
get her to talk some sense into me.
I know exactly what
you're gonna say, Monica.
I think it's wonderful.
Oh.
Well, I know what
you're gonna say next.
And go.
So when are you gonna pull
the trigger, Tom-bit?
Uhhh...
Next spring?
Why wait till next year, Tom?
Your mother and I got married
in the fall, didn't we?
Lovely time of year.
Oh yeah.
Is this 67
Henderson Avenue?
⪠âª
Something's going on.
You think?
My sister made me try
on my dad's tux
and said I
looked "juicy".
My dad is on his fourth draft of
the father of the bride speech.
I'm warning you now, the
jokes are not good.
Everyone does a complete
one-eighty overnight?
It's almost as if...
They talked?
They talked and now
they're toying with us.
Are we being paranoid?
Your sister called you "juicy".
Right.
OK.
Let's not panic.
No, we're gonna handle
this like mature adults.
Let go of me!
Ow!
Let go!
I don't know anything!
Liar! Your face is red
and you're stuttering!
That's because
you're choking me.
Oh no, this is choking.
Agh!
OK!
They're calling your bluff.
So they're opening
up their wallets.
How wide?
I've already said too much.
OK. OK, we are gonna
play this cool.
Don't let on we know.
You know what this
means, don't you?
It's really gonna happen.
You and me.
Hitched.
Yeah, that's great.
Baby's first lie;
I'm so proud.
What was I supposed
to say, Carter?
That I was suddenly hit with the possibility
of it actually happening and I choked?
I thought that's
what you wanted.
It is. It is, it's just it's...
It's all happening so fast.
See that's what happens when a proposal
is based on a game of truth or dare.
I just want this
wedding to slow down.
But I can't tell her that,
because then I lose face.
Well?
You've come to the right guy.
See, you put your cards on the
table with that engagement.
But the parents, they raised.
Clever.
But they don't know that
you know that they know.
So they won't be prepared
for your next move.
And that is?
You go all in.
âª
Hey, Tom.
Just going over the
guest list here.
Did I mention Auntie
Goldie's coming?
I know how much you
love her wet kisses.
You bet!
But I hope we're inviting
all the cousins, too.
Oh, second, third
and twice-removed.
Now, you know, we can't invite
anyone until we set a date.
So you were saying spring?
Well, I was thinking about what
you guys were saying earlier
and uh, maybe the
fall is better.
October, perhaps.
Huh.
A little chilly,
don't you think?
Yeah.
How about September?
The colours are breath-taking.
Well, if we're talking
September, how about...August.
A summer wedding is
good luck.
Next Sunday it is!
We'll have it in our back yard!
Too bad. There's not
going to be enough room
for all the Gentiles
Jessie's inviting.
Well, here's a thought.
Since the Hills and us
are in this together...
let's tear down
that fence.
I'll get the toolbox.
You don't even
care about what I think.
It's what you think
that always matters.
When it comes to loving me,
you have it your way.
I am persuaded, that
makes me madder.
But when night comes around I
get your kisses so sweet.
Your golden hair is
longer than mine.
I have never met a creature
from your planet.
Oh, baby,
you're a crazy guy.
So what if it's a dare;
I know it's real,
but I can't do it because I
have a secret I can't tell
and if I don't, I'm living a lie
and I cannot be living a lie
because that's just not who I am and what if
it's all just a terrible, terrible mistake?
So?
What do you think?
Are we too young to marry?
My bride was fourteen.
We met at the wedding.
But when night comes around I
get your kisses so sweet.
Your golden hair is
longer than mine.
I have never met a
creature from your planet.
I have never met a
creature from your planet.
I have never met a
creature from your planet.
Oh, baby,
you're a crazy guy.
Jessie, wait.
The wedding's Sunday, Tom.
You could've been quicker
on the bat signal.
Jessie. I do have a secret and I'd
just rather you know now than later.
I'm so glad you said that.
There's something I
have to tell you, too.
Yeah, and whatever we say,
it doesn't matter, right?
I mean, I know you peed your pants in Mrs.
Gall's class.
Thanks for the reminder.
Yeah, but I'm still
crazy about you.
Nothing you can say
can change that.
So who goes first?
Both at the same time.
OK.
One, two...
I fart in my sleep.
I slept with Carter.
What?
I mean, not just now.
A while ago.
Have you tried
eating less dairy?
So, Carter is Judo Boy.
It happened two years ago.
I'm totally over it.
Kinda weird without
the fence, huh.
Tom, say something.
Maybe a fence is just a fence and a dare...
is just a dare.
So what do you want to do?
I think the answer's
pretty clear.
Elvis sings: ⪠There's
a 24-hour chapelâª
⪠That doesn't have any seats âª
⪠I saw you walk
down the aisle âª
Hey everyone?
We have an announcement.
I know a lot of you
worked really hard on this
so this is
tough to say.
The wedding's off.
Jessie and I had a real trial
by fire yesterday and...
we learned something.
Fire's hot.
So that's why we went to
City Hall this morning.
Say hello to my wife.
It starts with a simple kiss.
A kiss that ignites
a fire so powerful,
it threatens to engulf the
natural world within its white-
Do you mind?
Sorry.
I'm a romantic.
OK.
Back to truth or dare.
We're still playing that?
I thought we were making out.
So you concede?
No way!
Hmm.
What is that?
Road kill?
Sorry, the
answer we're looking for
is what is
Jessie about to lick?
You're disgusting!
And you're stalling,
which would make me
by definition the
winner and you-
Aaaahhh.
That was unexpectedly hot.
And...
gritty.
Yech.
You're up, Tom.
Truth or dare.
Uh, dare.
Interesting strategy.
Foolish, but interesting.
Let's see.
Dressing like a
girl is always good.
But so is public
nakedness.
Uh, you made me do
that last week;
longest bus ride
of my life.
Right.
Too easy.
No.
I need something bigger.
Something that will show me what
Tom Bellow is really made of.
I know.
I dare you to propose.
Propose...
what?
Propose, propose.
Score.
Excuse me?
The bottle behind you,
it's returnable.
You know, I'm
kidding, right?
You and me married?
As if!
We'd have to come up with names for
each other, like Pumpkin or Sugar Plum
and you'd get a briefcase
and you'd go to work
and I'd be all "Have a great
day at work, Pumpkin and..."
Jessie Michelle Hill?
âª
Twelve years as
your neighbour
and suddenly I can't
stop thinking about you.
This is for real.
Will you marry me?
Almost had me, ha ha.
No joke, Jess.
⪠âª
âª
Did you hear us?
We're engaged.
Well, it's out
of the question.
We're not asking;
we're eighteen.
Which makes us adults.
Adults don't need their parents
to drive them to the movies!
Or prepare a hot meal for
them every single night.
Trying to kill your mother here?
Hm?
Jessie's a Gentile!
We haven't been to
temple in years.
You're talking to
Rabbi Schicter.
Schecter!
Schecter!
And how exactly do you expect to support
yourself there, Johnny Grown-up?
I still have savings
from my Bar Mitzvah.
And we all know
Tom's a real entrepreneur.
Get your P, B
and J shooters;
it's peanut butter and
jelly in a glass!
I still say we should've
gone with the lemonade.
Look, Jessie.
We expect this sort
of thing from Tom.
But you are the
responsible one.
Why are you doing this to us?
Because I love him?
You just ended your declaration of
love for my son with a question mark.
This is completely
hypocritical.
You guys got married at
twenty-four, well eighteen?
It's the new twenty-four.
You know
what else it is?
Eighteen!
Hey everyone, since Tom's getting
married, can I have his room?
I'll take that as a yes.
Well, let's see.
When I was 24, I was
holding down three jobs,
finishing my law degree and
supporting my widowed mother.
Tom, I believe on the other hand, just made
it to level two of Ninja Surfers, huh?
Level three.
What is it?
Level three.
Level three!
I rest my case.
You know what, Jessie?
You go next door and talk
to your parents, hm?
Yeah. Maybe they'll knock
some sense into you.
Aw, puppy love!
That's so adorable.
Nothing like first love, huh?
Yeah.
OK, three down: writer
of A Modest Proposal.
Five letters.
Um, did you hear me?
We're engaged.
Wilde.
Actually, it's not that wild.
I love her.
No, no, no. There's a T
As in Oscar, there. five letters.
Guys!
Jessie, what your mother
and I think is irrelevant.
Last time we checked,
you're eighteen.
That's legally an adult.
But don't you have any regrets,
concerns, nuggets of parental wisdom?
Never go to sleep hungry.
Who was that?
Our refugee.
Oh.
Sorry, what?
From Iraq?
Mom!
Dad!
OK, sweetie.
Um, are you sure
that you're in love?
Is this something
that you really want?
Does he satisfy you in bed?
Mom!
Well, honey, because if
there are any issues,
you're more than welcome
to borrow our Kama Sutra.
It really works.
Maybe we should go outside
and come back in again?
Jessie, you know how your mother
and I feel about weddings.
They're an exercise in greed with
absolutely no real bearing on reality.
That doesn't mean we won't
respect your decision.
Thank you, Mr.
and Mrs. Hill.
I uh, I promise to make
your daughter happy.
Swift.
Thanks!
As in Jonathan.
Five letters.
What just happened?
Breathe, Phil.
Just breathe.
You like tigers
You like lions
Do you think that
we can make it last?
You like the bathtub
And you take hot showers
Do you think that
we can make it last?
Yes I do; yes I do Yes I think
that we can make it last
What's with my parents?
Where's the worry?
The angst? The guilt?
At my house taking
a Valium.
At least your parents care
enough to ask questions.
"What are you gonna do
when college starts?"
"How will you get money?
"Where are you gonna live?
Where are we gonna live?
Right now, that's the
least of our worries, OK?
My dad has dialled the
Jewish up to eleven.
He's wearing a yarmulke.
Your dad's about as
Jewish as Conan O'Brien.
Yeah!
He converted.
Shouldn't that
work in our favour?
No. He says we're
practically siblings.
The sibling thing kind of went out the
window when we did it behind the garage.
But...
we are best friends.
I know all your secrets, how you're afraid of
moths and lost the Big V to that guy at judo.
You light candles
when you're sad.
Well, there's plenty of secrets
left to uncover. Trust me.
Really? I'm pretty much
down to my last one.
You have a secret?
No.
Maybe.
Are you sure you want to marry
the guy who made you eat mud?
Actually, no.
But the guy who bought me gummy
bears after judo boy dumped me
and then changed everything
with one single unreal kiss.
Him I'd consider.
Well, the worst is over.
At least our friends
will be happy for us.
No!
No, no, no, no!
We're engaged, Carter, not
gunned down by enemy fire.
People marry at eighteen
all over the world.
Right, Marisa?
You're right, Cupcake and some day many of
those villages will have running water.
You don't know
what you're in for.
Have you ever bought
a chick tampons?
Does he even
know about...
Uh, Tom, buddy.
Don't tell the girls this but you need
to have sex with a lot of other women.
OK, you guys do realize that we're
all sitting here together, right?
There's no split screen?
It's not Grease.
We're just trying to help.
OK, this engagement is a destroyer
of awesome future memories,
most of which
involve nudity.
Oh my God, that's it.
Our cupcake is knocked up!
Whoa.
No one's cupcake is knocked up.
We're in love.
I'm in love with my new patent leather
handbag, but I'm not gonna marry it.
What about the summer?
Our road trip to go see
the White Stripes?
I can't now, buddy.
I want to make this
work, you know?
I love her.
Yeah, that's right!
I love her.
Yeah, I love the way this
girl hums when she studies
and the little dimples she
gets when she smiles.
Yes, I, Tom Bellow, declare that I
will proudly buy this lady tampons!
Nothing?
Well, I wish this
was a split screen.
OK, you got to
me, Honeybear.
Thank you.
Now if only that tampon speech
would work on Tom's dad.
Your dad's OK with it?
Actually, yeah.
Oldest trick in
the book, sweetie.
Sic one dad on the other.
You're good.
It's what I do.
⪠âª
I thought you were
your mother.
Scooch over.
Uh huh.
Any jerky left?
Mm hm.
Shh!
Dad!
If Mom catches us eating dead
animal, she'll skin us alive.
Last one.
Tom's parents are crazy.
His dad especially; he's doing
everything he can to pry us apart.
Is it working?
Well, if he's trying to make us
want this more than ever, yes.
You want me to speak to Ben.
I'll owe you two teriyakis
and a honey garlic.
No way; this is Ben.
You'll have to throw
in some blood sausage.
You're onto blood sausage?
Oooh, it's a slippery slope.
⪠âª
You know, they grow twice as
fast when you cut them back.
I believe that is
an urban myth.
Works with the
hedges down below.
Hey!
Here's something.
What the hell do
you want, Phil?
I want what you want or don't
want, if you catch my drift.
A man whose idea of
curfew is before sunrise
suddenly grows some
parental backbone.
What gives?
Listen very carefully, Ben.
If we're gonna end this
engagement, we need to talk.
If marrying the random girl next
door was our plan for Tom,
we probably would've moved
to a better neighbourhood.
And if indentured servitude was
part of our plan for Jessie,
we'd have moved back into
the eighteen hundreds.
So there! We're in agreement for the
first time since the garbage strike.
Oh, I supported the strike.
Well, you're an idiot.
Boys, please!
Tara. If you and Phil
are against this,
then why didn't you do
something about it?
In a situation like this, Judith,
you can do one of two things:
you can either sit back and play it cool
or you can throw gas onto the flames.
Oh, stay tuned for another thinly-veiled
lecture on global warming.
Dude!
Relax.
If we just cut the kids some slack,
this whole thing's gonna blow over.
We're not going to just stand by and watch
our only son be ripped from our arms!
We have big plans
for Tom.
Hey, we're
down with that.
At his age, he should
be traipsing the globe
with nothing more than a
backpack and a beer bong.
I was talking about college.
I'm gonna punch him.
Look, we're all on
the same side here.
We hate marriage, too.
Who hates marriage?
We don't hate marriage.
You're married!
No, we're not married.
OK, we're done here, Judith.
Come on.
Ben, sit!
Phil!
Can it!
All right.
The Hills don't
believe in marriage
and we don't believe
in this marriage,
then at least we're
on common ground.
Exactly.
And I say that we let them marry
the hell out of each other.
We give them everything
they want and more.
I like it.
They're expecting us to fold.
Instead, we double down.
Yeah. We don't believe
in gambling either.
OK, seriously; I'm
gonna punch him.
Wakey wakey!
Natural Bride.
Something Borrowed.
Eco-Spouse?
I thought you hated weddings.
Hate is such an
ugly word, Jessie.
Not inaccurate,
but ugly.
Am I being
punked?
The truth is, honey, I've been
guilty of the worst sin of all.
Bacon?
Envy.
Oh, sweetie.
I just want you to have
what I've never had.
A white hemp dress.
A bouquet of wild flowers.
A handsome man that you're tied to
by a legal and binding contract
till the day you take your
last sour breath of air.
Who wants a wedding?
⪠âª
âª
I see you brought
in reinforcements.
What do you
mean, sweetie?
I know how this works, OK?
You bring in the big sister from downtown;
get her to talk some sense into me.
I know exactly what
you're gonna say, Monica.
I think it's wonderful.
Oh.
Well, I know what
you're gonna say next.
And go.
So when are you gonna pull
the trigger, Tom-bit?
Uhhh...
Next spring?
Why wait till next year, Tom?
Your mother and I got married
in the fall, didn't we?
Lovely time of year.
Oh yeah.
Is this 67
Henderson Avenue?
⪠âª
Something's going on.
You think?
My sister made me try
on my dad's tux
and said I
looked "juicy".
My dad is on his fourth draft of
the father of the bride speech.
I'm warning you now, the
jokes are not good.
Everyone does a complete
one-eighty overnight?
It's almost as if...
They talked?
They talked and now
they're toying with us.
Are we being paranoid?
Your sister called you "juicy".
Right.
OK.
Let's not panic.
No, we're gonna handle
this like mature adults.
Let go of me!
Ow!
Let go!
I don't know anything!
Liar! Your face is red
and you're stuttering!
That's because
you're choking me.
Oh no, this is choking.
Agh!
OK!
They're calling your bluff.
So they're opening
up their wallets.
How wide?
I've already said too much.
OK. OK, we are gonna
play this cool.
Don't let on we know.
You know what this
means, don't you?
It's really gonna happen.
You and me.
Hitched.
Yeah, that's great.
Baby's first lie;
I'm so proud.
What was I supposed
to say, Carter?
That I was suddenly hit with the possibility
of it actually happening and I choked?
I thought that's
what you wanted.
It is. It is, it's just it's...
It's all happening so fast.
See that's what happens when a proposal
is based on a game of truth or dare.
I just want this
wedding to slow down.
But I can't tell her that,
because then I lose face.
Well?
You've come to the right guy.
See, you put your cards on the
table with that engagement.
But the parents, they raised.
Clever.
But they don't know that
you know that they know.
So they won't be prepared
for your next move.
And that is?
You go all in.
âª
Hey, Tom.
Just going over the
guest list here.
Did I mention Auntie
Goldie's coming?
I know how much you
love her wet kisses.
You bet!
But I hope we're inviting
all the cousins, too.
Oh, second, third
and twice-removed.
Now, you know, we can't invite
anyone until we set a date.
So you were saying spring?
Well, I was thinking about what
you guys were saying earlier
and uh, maybe the
fall is better.
October, perhaps.
Huh.
A little chilly,
don't you think?
Yeah.
How about September?
The colours are breath-taking.
Well, if we're talking
September, how about...August.
A summer wedding is
good luck.
Next Sunday it is!
We'll have it in our back yard!
Too bad. There's not
going to be enough room
for all the Gentiles
Jessie's inviting.
Well, here's a thought.
Since the Hills and us
are in this together...
let's tear down
that fence.
I'll get the toolbox.
You don't even
care about what I think.
It's what you think
that always matters.
When it comes to loving me,
you have it your way.
I am persuaded, that
makes me madder.
But when night comes around I
get your kisses so sweet.
Your golden hair is
longer than mine.
I have never met a creature
from your planet.
Oh, baby,
you're a crazy guy.
So what if it's a dare;
I know it's real,
but I can't do it because I
have a secret I can't tell
and if I don't, I'm living a lie
and I cannot be living a lie
because that's just not who I am and what if
it's all just a terrible, terrible mistake?
So?
What do you think?
Are we too young to marry?
My bride was fourteen.
We met at the wedding.
But when night comes around I
get your kisses so sweet.
Your golden hair is
longer than mine.
I have never met a
creature from your planet.
I have never met a
creature from your planet.
I have never met a
creature from your planet.
Oh, baby,
you're a crazy guy.
Jessie, wait.
The wedding's Sunday, Tom.
You could've been quicker
on the bat signal.
Jessie. I do have a secret and I'd
just rather you know now than later.
I'm so glad you said that.
There's something I
have to tell you, too.
Yeah, and whatever we say,
it doesn't matter, right?
I mean, I know you peed your pants in Mrs.
Gall's class.
Thanks for the reminder.
Yeah, but I'm still
crazy about you.
Nothing you can say
can change that.
So who goes first?
Both at the same time.
OK.
One, two...
I fart in my sleep.
I slept with Carter.
What?
I mean, not just now.
A while ago.
Have you tried
eating less dairy?
So, Carter is Judo Boy.
It happened two years ago.
I'm totally over it.
Kinda weird without
the fence, huh.
Tom, say something.
Maybe a fence is just a fence and a dare...
is just a dare.
So what do you want to do?
I think the answer's
pretty clear.
Elvis sings: ⪠There's
a 24-hour chapelâª
⪠That doesn't have any seats âª
⪠I saw you walk
down the aisle âª
Hey everyone?
We have an announcement.
I know a lot of you
worked really hard on this
so this is
tough to say.
The wedding's off.
Jessie and I had a real trial
by fire yesterday and...
we learned something.
Fire's hot.
So that's why we went to
City Hall this morning.
Say hello to my wife.