15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 1, Episode 3 - Blue Rat - full transcript

Can't be done.

You've never seen a
ship in a bottle?

Mm, but only when the ship
is smaller than the bottle.

It's an ambition of mine.

I want people to say, "Errol, how did
you get that ship in that bottle?"

What are you going to say?

I don't know yet. I
haven't got it in there.

- What's that?
- Puffin chunks.

I found this new supermarket
in that old cinema.

Oh, yeah.

They kept the sloping floor. You
don't have to push your trolley.

Cream of pork pie soup?

Yeah. Let's hope it tastes
as good as it sounds.

It's brilliant. There's no
frills, no fuss. No shelves!

Just piles of cheap food.
It's very Eastern European.


Their motto is, "If you can
find it cheaper anywhere else,

"we'll be embarrassed."

If you take something back
the manager says he's sorry.

It's more satisfying
than a refund.

Look at this. Blue Rat.

"All the energy of a
rat, trapped in a can."

Imagine that!

Go on. Have one.

- Nah, it's all right.
- I'll do it.

It's OK.

- Go on.
- Dunno what's in 'em.

It's only gonna be
some Polish chemicals.


Ah! Ah! Aah!

Aaaahh! Aaaaahhh!


Ah. Ah. Ah.



Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaah.

- Turn the light off.
- Ah!

- How many of these have you had?
- A few.

- What are you doing up?
- Got a job interview.

- At three in the morning?
- It's at Billingsgate Fish Market.

Got there yesterday at eight they
said, "What time do you call this?"

What are they going to ask you?
"Can you stand the smell of fish?"

There's more to it than that.

First question. Can you
stand the smell of fish?


Question number two...

Only kidding. Put this on.

Brilliant! I've always
wanted to work with fish!

- It's one of me ambitions!
- What are your other ambitions?

Learn Spanish.
Sing with Madonna.

- Eat a croissant.
- Right. Follow me.

Your job is to walk right down
the other end of the market...

- Get off!
- ..come down the other side...

- Get off!
- ..and when you've done that...

- Get off!
- ..come down the centre aisle...

What's the matter, son?

People keep wiping
their hands on me.

That's your job. You
walk around the market

and people wipe their
hands on your coat.

In the trade, you're
known as a "walk-wipe".

As you walk around the markets,
you shout the traditional cry of,

"Come and clean your
hands on my coat!"

Come clean your
hands on me coat!

You got the ending right but
it needs a lot more passion.

Come clean hands on coat!

Give it some wellie!

Come and clean your
hands on me coat!

That's it!

It's not a bad job. Plenty of chips,
cockles, winkles, the odd prawn.

What happens if the coat's
completely covered?

You turn it inside out.

Come clean your
hands on me coat!

Come clean your
hands on me coat!

- Got the job.
- Shh!

- What is it?
- That woman on the twelfth floor,

with the twitch...

She's had a breast enlargement.

And she's stopped twitching.

No, she hasn't. Get
out of my chair.

- Fancy a prawn?
- No.

You stink. Go and have a shower.

- I've had one.
- Well, have a bath.

- I've had one.
- Well, have another one.

I've had another one. I've had
three showers and two baths.

With soap?

Yeah. Hang on, Derek.
I'll get a pen.

Pen. Pen.

Pen! Pen.

In the drawer. In the drawer.

Jesus Christ. It's like
talking to a brick...

Hang on, Derek. I'm
gonna get the pen.

Jesus Christ. Who made
this pile of shit?

Hang on, Derek! Hang on!

Hang on! Oh, Jesus Christ.

She's got the fish slice stuck
in the wrong way round.

Hang on.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Just coming, Derek!

Just coming.

Jesus Christ.

Try this.

- What is it?
- Just rub it in.

Woo! Aah-haargh!

- It's burning!
- It's working.

Aargh! What is it?

It's only Jolly Shopper bleach.

- Aargh!
- Didn't think it'd be that strong.

None of their other stuff is.

I mean, their cheese
is very mild.


Oi! That plaster come off you?

- Yeah.
- Well, eat it.

It's the rules.

You all right? You
look a bit tired.

- I'm fine.
- I'm off for my tea break.

- Will you be all right on your own?
- Yeah.

- No running!
- He's not running!

He wants to.

Hang on, Derek. Just coming.

Lovely. Yeah.

There we are. Oh, yeah.
There we are.

Look at that. Oh, lovely.

That's what did it. It was
the fish slice, Derek.

Yeah. Look at that.

Smooth as silk.

Oh, lovely.

That's what did it.
Look at that.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

All right. Fire away.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, come on! I need to
do better than that.


Oh, come on!

Come on. Come on. Come on.


♪ Let it snow, let it
snow, let it snow ♪

Shouldn't leave them
lying on the floor.

Someone could have an accident.

They might slip over and go...

- What are you doing?
- It was an accident!

You did that on purpose!

- It's an example of what can happen.
- It did happen.

You wasted half a tin
of Blue Rat on purpose.

You've got a real
problem with Blue Rat.

Every time I go to the fridge you give
me a look. Six times you've done that.

I don't hassle you.
Did you just move?

- No.
- You were there a second ago.

Oh, great. Thanks, mate.
That's all I need.

Real icing on the day, you moving
about and giving me the stink-eye.

- You did it again!
- What?

- You moved.
- It's these drinks.

You don't know what's in them.

That's very easy to say. I could say that.
Anyone could say that.

I could say it. I'll say it.
I'll say it.

"You don't know what's in them." See?
I said it.

Does that make you better than
me or me better than you?

Wh-wha... I... try...

What? I don't understand that.

Are you better than me
or am I better than you?

Let's go and ask them. Shall we go?
Shall we?


Everybody. Yeah, then
we'll find out, won't we?

When you knocked over that drink,
what were you thinking? I don't know.

I don't care what you were thinking.
Just chill out!

You did it again!

Coming to get ya. I'm
coming to get ya!

Yah! You don't like it, do you?

- Off!
- Hah!

Vince, I just need
to find my keys.

Under the chair.

Apologies for my outburst earlier.
I got carried away.

That's OK.

See that flat on the corner?
They've got a horse.

- In the flat?
- Yeah. Course in the flat.

- I'm not impressed they own a horse.
- I can't see anything.

You see it? There it is.
Can you see it?

- Yeah...
- Can you see the tail?


You can't see that horse?

Look, there's its ears.

That's a cushion.

It's a fucking horse! Sorry.

I've done it again, haven't I?

There's a horse in there. I've
seen a horse in that flat.

I didn't mean...

If they had a horse,

wouldn't the neighbours hear
it and tell the council?

Not necessarily. Horse's hooves
sound similar to stilettos.

For all they know, the Supremes could
have moved in or Sigue Sigue Sputnik.

Why do you have to be so
negative about a simple idea?

"Vince has seen a horse." "Have you, Vince?
Seen a horse? No, you haven't."

I haven't said
something ridiculous

like there's a camel in there
with lemonade in its humps.

"I went to see Shrek."
Believe that?

Big green man, funny ears. Yeah,
believe that. That's a drawing!

I've seen a horse.
I've seen a horse.

Oh, God, I'm doing
it again, aren't I?

Come and clean your
hands on me coat!

Come and clean your hands...

..on me coat! Come
and clean your...


I bet those bass are gutted.

- No, I don't think they are.
- No, I mean they're gutted.

No, look. Look.

Come and clean your
hands on me coat!

- I don't believe that new bloke.
- Tell me about it.

- He's taking the piss, ain't he?
- Dunno. One way to find out, though.


Will you come and sex
these whitebait for us?

- Eh?
- Sort them into male and female.

The female's a
delicacy in Denmark.

How can you tell the difference?

It's easy. Look. Find a male.

There's one straight away.

Right. Look out for
that bit there.

That bit just here.

Sticking up. It's just here.
Just sticking out here.

- I can't see it.
- You can't see that? That bit here.

Look. Look carefully. Let
the light shine on it.

That bit here. This bit. Look.

- This bit?
- No, no, no. This bit just here.

- Oh, yeah. There.
- No, not that bit.

- This bit here.
- That?

No. This bit.

- There?
- Look, we'll try a female.

No. No.

There we go. Right.

- See that bit there? Just here.
- Yeah. There.

No. No.

The bit just... Let the
light shine on it.

- Let it shimmer.
- OK.


- There?
- No, it's not that bit.

It's this bit here.
Here. Here. Here.

- There?
- No, look. Here.

- There?
- No, here.

- Here?
- No, there.

- That bit.
- No.

Oh, you'll get the hang of it.

Come on. Stop teasing me.

We know there's a
horse in there.

Come on.

- How are you getting on, Errol?
- I think I've done one.


No, no. That's a male.

- Is it?
- Yeah. Look.

That's a male. There. That bit.

- What, there?
- No, the bit here. Here, here.

- Yeah, here.
- No, no, no.

- The bit...
- I can't see. It's really difficult.

It's not difficult. It's not.

Look. A male there, right? Male.

Male. Female.

Male. Male.

Female. Female.

I can't... I can't see it.

You can't see this?
You can't see this?

You can't see that there?

- That bit there?
- You can't see this bit here?

- Here?
- No, here.

- There?
- No, no, no.

- That bit there?
- No.

- No.
- I can't see it.

Look, Errol. Everyone in this
market's gone through this.

No one moaned. No one complained.
No one made a fuss.

We all just had a laugh.

I really want to but
it's just so difficult.

- Are you winding me up?
- No. No.

No, Len.

What are you after?

Me car keys.

I've got to go to work.



I can't feel me hand.

Oh, no, there it is.

Who is it?

Oh, hello. I live
across the way.

I couldn't sleep. I was up
all night looking across.

- I think I saw a horse in your flat.
- What?

- Have you got a horse in there?
- No.

- I won't tell anyone.
- I haven't got a horse.

Come on. You've got a horse.
I've seen it.

He's got a horse in there!

- Shut up!
- He's got a horse in there!

- You're right. I do have a horse.
- Yes!

Six months ago my daughter had
an operation. She nearly died.

Yeah? That's terrible.

I swore that I'd do anything
for her if she pulled through.

When she did, I asked
her what she wanted.

She said, "Dad..."

Yeah, I'm sorry about your daughter.
Where is it?

- That's not a horse.
- That's what she said.

Is that it?

It's the only one I
could get in the lift.

- Was she disappointed?
- She was to start off with.

But now she loves him. She
comes round every weekend.

Me and my wife are separated.

Yeah, I thought this place
lacked a woman's touch.

- How you getting on then, Errol?
- Great. I love it.

They been doing a
lot of wind-ups?


You know when you was looking for
Handsome Jack the Lucky Squid?

- That was a wind-up.
- Was it?

Do any of the squids
seem lucky, then?

- How can I tell if it's a wind-up?
- Just have a look around, mate.

If nobody else is doing
it, it's a wind-up.

Cheers, Steve.

- See you later.
- Yeah.

- All right, lads?
- All right?

No, don't touch him!
He goes ballistic.

- What, that?
- That's why it was so cheap.

He's a biter.

He don't mind the little girl

but he don't like anyone
taller than himself.

- Get down.
- Really?

It's a bit unhealthy, isn't it?
All this manure?

I was putting it down the
toilet but it got blocked up.

I don't suppose they were designed
for this kind of poundage.

It never goes to sleep. Trotting
round the flat night and day.

I tried putting him in these
moon boots to keep him quiet.

But he weren't
having none of it.

You should see what he's
done to my CD collection.

Why don't you get rid of it?

You haven't got kids, have you?

Just because I live
in a tower block

doesn't mean my little
princess can't have a horse.

- Better if she'd wanted a bike.
- Yeah, I suppose so.

Stay there.

What am I going to...?

Stay there.

Hello, sir. I'm from the RSPCA,
investigating a complaint.

It's the RSPCA. They don't
mess about, I tell you.

My aunty was a make-up artist
on the Andrex adverts.

When she was putting eyeliner on
a puppy it went for her nipple.

She swung round and it
went down the stairs.

RSPCA got there
before the ambulance.

They're coming back with a warrant!
Some nosy bastard phoned them up.

- It wasn't you, was it?
- No! I hate the RSPCA.

They're going to take my
little girl's pony away

and then she'll stop
coming to see me.

Her mum will marry some
rich bloke with a field.

- And a proper horse.
- Yeah, one that can jump over things.

One that don't go apeshit
when you touch it.

And her new husband
will have a Range Rover

and they'll go to gymkhanas
and she'll win rosettes

and I'll never see them again.

- Is this your ex-wife?
- Yeah.

I wouldn't tear yourself up, mate.
It's not gonna happen.

No, it's not gonna happen. Just
look after it until they've gone.

- Just for a couple of hours.
- No, no, no.

- It's for the pony.
- I'm not having that thing in my flat.

Just look at this little face.

Sweet little innocent face.

Imagine it really pissed off...
I mean, really hacked off.

Your parents are divorced, your
mother's a bitch, your pony's gone.

Your dad's flat smells of shit.

Can you see it?
That little smile.

Gone for ever.

Yeah. Yeah, I can. Yeah.

- It's not right, is it?
- No.

- Get off!
- Please! Please!

What are you doing? Get off me!

- I can't.
- Let go!

You're my last chance!

- Just give him a fiver or something.
- I haven't got a fiver!

Oi, oi!

Errol, take that shark
to Doc for us, will you?

- Don't forget to give him a kiss.
- Hey?

Tradition. It shows
there's no harm intended.

Just give him a little
peck on the cheek.

- Does everyone do this?
- Yeah.

Sounds mad, doesn't it?

So you ain't changed
your mind, then?


Every little helps.

Come on, then. I'm
not finished yet.

It's still all there.

I'm coming to get you! Ha, ha, ha!
Come on, then!

♪ Let it snow, let it
snow, let it snow! ♪

Oi! Is that for me?

Put it on the slab.

Oi! Where's my kiss?

I thought it was a wind-up!

No. Everybody does it.
It's tradition!

That other bloke didn't
give you a kiss.

We're saving it up, we're
gonna have a good old snog.

Vince, have some blokes from
Billingsgate Market been here?


It wasn't horse's hooves they heard.
It was my wife's stilettos.

Don't you mean ex-wife? Our
information says you're divorced.

No, she came back.
She's in the bedroom.

- This a picture of your wife, sir?
- Yeah.

- Shall I wake her up?
- No.

Nice horsey.

Nice horsey.

Yeah. You're a nice horse.

Aargh! Aaargh! Aaargh!

No! Argh! No!

No! Aargh! No!