15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Model - full transcript
Was it a good night?
- Yeah. A little celebration.
- You deserve it.
It's not every day you get to
become a swimming instructor,
even in your job.
Not every lifeguard's
got what it takes.
Like that fella Darren,
he started before me...
He's not there any more, is he?
- Didn't he go to university?
- Mm.
What was wrong with your pizza?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
This is what's wrong. I told
'em on the phone, I said,
"No olives."
- No what?
- Olives.
I burnt the roof of my mouth last
night, on that microwave pasty.
That's why I ordered the pizza.
In the end, I just got a curry.
Where's that?
- What are you doing in there?
- Nothing.
- Errol?
- What?
Where's my toothbrush?
It's all right. Found it.
- Hiya.
- All right.
Just gonna go out
and get some milk.
- We've got milk.
- What sort?
There's normal.
Semi-skimmed in the fridge.
Is there a thing
such as skimmed?
- Yeah.
- Mmm, that sounds nice.
I think I'll try that, then.
- All right.
- So, I'll go get some milk.
Errol?
If you're going out...
can you post this back
to the pizza place?
Giving olives to people who don't want
olives. Two can play at that game.
Actually, I've changed my mind.
What I might do is...
instead of trying skimmed milk today,
I think I'll decorate your bathroom.
- Why?
- A way of saying thank you, you know.
For letting me
stay in your flat.
- All right. OK.
- Thanks.
- You're not going out, then?
- No. Gone off milk.
All right, OK.
Let's take a deep breath.
And slowly out.
Feel the air dragging the
tension from your body.
Breathe in.
And out.
Mmm... relaxing.
Breathe in.
Nigel, could you take
the kids to playgroup?
I'm trying to make
a relaxation tape!
Right, I'm Vince.
- I'm Madeline.
- No, no, no. Put these hats on.
- There you go.
- Where's Stuart?
Sacked. Put the wrong chemicals
in the toddlers' pool.
OK, the first thing
I want to ask...
why do you want to learn to swim?
Number 6?
I've got two boys and I
want to take 'em swimming.
And embarrass them? Dad splashing around
like a clown in a Jacuzzi? Bad reason.
- Number two?
- I've always wanted to swim with dolphins.
Nutter. Number three? Don't I...
Don't I know you?
- I've always wanted to swim because...
- No, no.
Not the question I asked. Learn to listen.
Number four?
I'm getting married and I want to
surprise my fiancé on our honeymoon.
- Where are you going?
- Barbados.
A lot a sharks but lovely beaches.
Worth the risk. Good answer.
OK, let's get on
with the lesson.
See this girl swimming here?
- She's good, isn't she?
- Yes.
What I want you lot
to do is that.
Do that. Copy her.
OK? Don't do that.
- He looks like he's in trouble.
- Exactly. Yeah.
Good point. OK, get in the pool.
- All right, Errol?
- Hiya.
- How you getting on?
- Good.
Done the preparation, just
about to start the undercoat.
Oh, no. I haven't decided
what colour I want yet.
I bought some magazines
- get a few ideas.
What do you think
of this colour?
I'd rather not look at that.
- It's a nice way to do a bathroom.
- It just seems wrong.
It's only apple green
with a hint of basil.
It's not right. You shouldn't
have things like that.
- It's just a lifestyle magazine.
- I don't like that lifestyle.
Well, you have to. When
you go to the paint
shop, you've got to match
this exact colour.
Here you are.
- Do I have to?
- Yeah.
It's the only way
you get the colour.
Imagine you are floating
somewhere beautiful,
like a pool of clear water.
The fish are nibbling at
the hairs on your thighs.
Feel the sun on your face.
Mmm, warm.
You're drifting deeper
and deeper into space.
Daddy, Lucille pulled my hair.
I'm trying to work!
- You here for the lesson, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Where are the others?
- I think it's just me.
Right, so, first thing, why
do you want to learn to swim?
Well, I do a lot of
glamour modelling,
and when we do shoots round the
pool, I look very nervous.
So the editor of Razzle said,
"Either learn to swim or it's
back to Readers' Wives."
I thought I recognised you!
- You've got a Zanussi dishwasher.
- Yeah!
- And the blue-checked curtains.
- Mmm.
Your spice rack's
not level, is it?
A lot of cupboard space, I
was quite impressed by that.
Cos normally blokes
look at the, erm...
No, no, no. I get most of my
decorating ideas from Readers' Wives.
My bedroom is done out like,
you know Julie from Devon?
And I'm thinking of doing the
bathroom like Wanda from Edmonton,
the sort of jade emulsion.
Not sure about the crab stencilling
or the chains on the wall.
I'll let you into a secret.
It's not my kitchen!
Oh, right. I suppose
it's a set, isn't it?
No, it's my mum's kitchen.
Oh, right. That explains it, cos
it was quite old-fashioned -
the tea cosy and those big
knickers on the radiator.
- I thought they can't be yours...
- Can we get on with the lesson?
Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.
It's that one.
I need to see a bit more
of the colour, mate.
OK, just... Sorry.
Just, erm...
Sorry, pal.
Here, does that help?
Nah. Look, I can't do
a match from that.
- Give us the whole page.
- I can't.
Then I can't help you.
No, hang on. Hold on.
Yeah?
- Erm...
- Any time today's fine.
Sorry.
Thank you. Please.
Look, if you want to swim, you
have to get in the water.
I'm scared.
- Would it help if I pushed you in?
- No!
Can't we go in the
toddlers' pool?
I wouldn't risk it, unless
you want pink eyes.
I'm so silly. I should have
learned to swim at school.
But the boys was
always staring at me.
It made me very self-conscious,
you know, cos of these.
I was gonna ask you, you know when
you've got them both in the scales,
- and you're looking back at the camera...
- Three pound four ounces.
No, no, no, that plant on the
sink, is that a busy Lizzie?
Look, I'm really not comfortable
talking about my mother's house!
Is one litre enough for you?
Is there a thing
such as two litres?
That's good. That's good. Now, what I want
you to do now is let go of the ladder.
- No!
- Come on, just let go.
- I can't.
- Let... Let... Just...
- No.
- Do this... with your hands.
- Opposite to what you're doing.
- I'm trying.
OK, imagine it's electrified.
You have to stay in the
water or you'll be shot.
Think of it like Anne Frank, instead
of an attic, she's trapped in a pool.
And she can't get out
cos of the land Nazis.
What are you on about?
Is that too harsh? Anne Frank
trapped in a pool by Nazis?
Who's Anne Frank?
OK, right, you're a puppy,
and the girl who owns you has lost her
ball and you're gonna go in for it.
Oh! I've lost my ball! I want my ball back!
Will you get my ball?
- See? Yeah.
- Ooh! I'm standing in the water!
Ooh! That's incredible!
Remember, you can't get out!
Oh, no, it's, "Oh,
I want my ball!"
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I thought I saw someone.
Not at this time of day.
OK, now the easy bit, see
that bloke swimming there?
Everybody out.
- That'll be 8.70.
- OK.
- I'll just get you a bag.
- Yeah.
No, the one with the
limp is Keyser Soze.
- The limp?
- I'm not going through it again.
Oh, yeah! Sorry, come on in.
What do you think of
this shower curtain?
There. Nice, innit? I
think that'll look good.
Can't see much of it. Agnes
from Bradford's in the way.
You've got a real problem
with these magazines.
I just don't think people should
be naked in their living rooms.
That's where you have...
Christmas.
Ooh! See Karen from Luton?
I'm teaching her to swim.
I found out she's not from Luton
and that's not her kitchen.
See those knickers on the radiator?
Have a guess who they belong to.
Pizza!
- What?
- Pizza.
I didn't order a... pizza.
- Flat 76?
- Yeah.
Wa... Wait...
Errol? Did you order a pizza?
No, we didn't.
- You're in my flat!
- I've put it in the kitchen.
I don't want it. I
haven't got any money.
It's free. It's a free pizza.
- Why are you giving me a free pizza?
- Cos I'm a nice bloke.
Well, I don't want it, go on.
You're teaching my wife to swim.
- What are you on about?
- Lindsay? Glamour model?
Dolphin?
Oh. No, her name's Karen.
Karen's her porno name.
I wish I'd never taken
those photographs.
- I only did it for a laugh.
- There's nothing going on.
That's my job. And
that's my fruit.
The response was amazing.
It's gone to her head.
Suddenly she's got a career. She
thinks she's the next Jordan.
HMS Grantham have made
her their mascot.
I'm sorry but that's
not my problem.
You'll have to sort this
out with your wife.
No. You stop teaching her.
She learns how to swim, next
thing she'll be driving.
I can't do that.
I'm an instructor.
I took the oath.
Well, you don't have a choice!
Right, mate. You, get out.
- What are you doing? What are you doing?
- Karate.
No, you're not.
That is not karate.
That... That's not even scary.
You're not frightening me at all.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
What belt are you, then?
I haven't got one. I've only
had a couple of sessions.
I'm gonna get one and when I
do I'll smash your head in.
- Get out!
- Come on, then. Me and you.
Me and you, yeah? You
want some with me?
I'm a lethal. I'm a lethal.
Errol! Show grasshopper
the way out.
Right. You want some?
Come on, then.
- Did they put olives on the pizza?
- Yeah.
- Great, I love olives.
- Don't touch it!
You don't know what
he's done to it.
I think he's written
something on it.
- Oh, yeah.
- "Shemus..."
- "Shame has no..."
- "She must no..."
"Shame has no twin."
"She must no..."
"Shamus not.."
It says, "She must not swim."
You can't ignore
me, I'm dangerous.
I don't think you are.
I am. I'm unstable.
I'm a nutter!
Go on, then. Do something nutty.
OK. I'll show you nutty. All right.
I warned you.
See? I told you I was a nutter.
- Do you believe me now?
- No.
Can I have my pants back?
- Where's the light bulbs?
- We haven't got any.
- What?
- We haven't got any!
- Why not?
- Cos you didn't buy any.
Why do they all go out
at the same time?
Because we put them all
in at the same time.
Is he still there?
No.
- You're not worried about him, then?
- No.
A real nutter would have
stayed there all night.
- How do you know that?
- Discovery Channel.
Hmm.
Anyway, I'm a
swimming instructor.
I have a duty. I took the oath.
I do solemnly promise to teach...
swimming.
- All right?
- No, I'm not.
- What's that smell?
- My life, innit?
Bloody hell! What
happened to your hand?
I've had an argument with Lisa, man.
Big time.
She's left me.
She said she never wants to see
me again so I punched the wall.
- Did she come back?
- No.
Maybe you're not hitting the wall
hard enough. Give it another go.
- What, you think she might come back?
- It's worth a try.
Go on, give it another pop.
Go on.
Go on. Away you go.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
F... That hurt.
No, I can't let that girl down.
Imagine the scenario. She
gets a big break in Holland,
she's on a diving board doing
continental shots for a video.
The director shouts, "Wider!"
She's ambitious, she pushes those
hamstrings to the very limits.
The excess baby oil has
turned that diving board
into a treacherous plank.
Whoosh! In she goes.
Under once, under twice.
She comes up a third time.
Well, Günther can't help.
- Why?
- He's an Alsatian.
Oh.
- A bit like Turner & Hooch?
- Yeah. A bit.
Gotcha.
Teach another man's
wife to swim, will you?
I warned you. I warned you
once, I warned you twice.
I warned you thrice.
It's the last time you'll
swing that whistle,
you big swinging
whistley-wanker.
Come on, step out into the road.
That's it! That's it, go on.
Go on, yeah, Yeah!
Yeah, that's it.
Get... Bollocks.
Where to, love?
Open your eyes, it'll
stop stinging.
Don't make so much fuss.
Oh! Half a cap full.
Go on, off you go.
You'll be all right.
Sorry I'm late. I had a
photo shoot this morning.
It was bondage gear and some
bright spark lost the keys.
I had a visit last night
from your husband, the
amateur psycho. He doesn't
want you to swim.
Oh! Is he worried about me drowning?
Oh, he's so caring.
No, he wants you
to stay at home.
Aah, he must love me so much
he don't wanna lose me.
You're missing the point.
He got aggressive.
Oh, he made threats for me?
Oh, that's so sweet!
I'm not bothered but you have
got a marriage to preserve,
- so shall we forget the lessons?
- No. Fuck him.
No sign of her, mate.
Do you know where I think
you're going wrong? Stand up.
You need to punch through your
target with a nasty little jab.
So you think to yourself,
"I love Lisa." Nasty
little jab. "I love
Lisa." Nasty little jab.
- Away you go.
- I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.
- That's it.
- I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.
I love you, Lisa.
Is she there yet?
No, still no sign of her.
That's one hard woman, eh?
- You're comfortable in the water now?
- Yeah.
Remember, you can't get out.
Oi!
- Right...
- Glenn!
Lindsay, get out of the pool,
you're coming home with me.
- Vince, what's next?
- I don't wanna get involved.
- Ignore him.
- I'll drink this.
You do realise those chemicals
are very expensive?
- I don't care!
- Put them down.
- He won't drink it.
- I will, I've got no choice.
- I'm mental.
- You're not. He's not! You're lovely.
I'm not! Right... here goes.
- Go on, then.
- It's your fault.
Oh, no, that's horrible. That's strong.
It's like liquorice.
- He doesn't like liquorice.
- That's a shame.
- Now, imagine you're a frog. Yeah?
- A frog?
She doesn't even like frogs.
- Hold on to the side.
- She's my wife!
Kick your legs, like a frog.
Bring your knees up...
You forced me! Cos I'm a nutter.
Together. Bring your knees up
together and then push back.
That's it. Together.
Is that it?
Knees up together
and then kick back.
- I'll give it a go.
- That's it.
Bring them both up together
and then kick back.
- I'm giving it a go.
- Knees up, push out with your arms.
- What if I sink?
- I'll... I'm a lifeguard.
Right, I learnt something
in karate last night
and I was hoping I
wouldn't have to use it.
You're shit at karate.
Push the arms together...
Right, I'm getting security.
No, no, no, no! Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'll just sit.
- No more nonsense?
- No.
Just sit down and shut up.
Vince! Oh, Vince! Look, look!
Vince, I'm swimming! Look! Ah!
Bollocks.
There you go.
Thanks!
It's my job.
Yeah, I blew it.
I didn't want her to
swim because, well...
I can't swim.
W-Would you teach me?
I do solemnly promise to teach...
swimming.
Unless - you sleep
with the window open,
own a caravan, like olives,
are thick, practise martial arts
or you're a grown man
and your name is Sting.
Brilliant. Thanks.
No.
I'll teach myself, then. I
mean, how hard can it be?
A lot easier than karate.
What are you telling me?
You've given up?
You're just gonna sit there and
let her walk out of your life?
Look at my hands, man.
You've got a head, haven't you?
Use that. Go on.
Go on!
OK...
Fucking come on. Come on!
- Hello?
- Hi, Steve, it's me.
I've been walking around
thinking about us
and it seems so stupid,
all the arguments.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love you, Steve.
I wanna come back.
Well, er, I don't know
about that really, Lisa.
Look, I've got to go. I'm doing
a shoot for a new magazine.
- What's it called?
- Quite Big Tits.
It's for blokes who don't like really
big tits or really small tits.
- Fussy bastards.
- Help! I'm drowning!
- Shall we get him out?
- No, he'll be all right.
- See you, then.
- See you.
Hi, Mum, it's Errol.
How are you?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Listen, there's something
I need to ask you.
Since I've been away, have
Nana and Grandad been to stay?
Right.
And did they use my old room?
Right.
No, I don't think I'll be
coming home for Christmas.
You too.
Urgh, Nana!
Come on. Come on, then.
I got you...
- Yeah. A little celebration.
- You deserve it.
It's not every day you get to
become a swimming instructor,
even in your job.
Not every lifeguard's
got what it takes.
Like that fella Darren,
he started before me...
He's not there any more, is he?
- Didn't he go to university?
- Mm.
What was wrong with your pizza?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
This is what's wrong. I told
'em on the phone, I said,
"No olives."
- No what?
- Olives.
I burnt the roof of my mouth last
night, on that microwave pasty.
That's why I ordered the pizza.
In the end, I just got a curry.
Where's that?
- What are you doing in there?
- Nothing.
- Errol?
- What?
Where's my toothbrush?
It's all right. Found it.
- Hiya.
- All right.
Just gonna go out
and get some milk.
- We've got milk.
- What sort?
There's normal.
Semi-skimmed in the fridge.
Is there a thing
such as skimmed?
- Yeah.
- Mmm, that sounds nice.
I think I'll try that, then.
- All right.
- So, I'll go get some milk.
Errol?
If you're going out...
can you post this back
to the pizza place?
Giving olives to people who don't want
olives. Two can play at that game.
Actually, I've changed my mind.
What I might do is...
instead of trying skimmed milk today,
I think I'll decorate your bathroom.
- Why?
- A way of saying thank you, you know.
For letting me
stay in your flat.
- All right. OK.
- Thanks.
- You're not going out, then?
- No. Gone off milk.
All right, OK.
Let's take a deep breath.
And slowly out.
Feel the air dragging the
tension from your body.
Breathe in.
And out.
Mmm... relaxing.
Breathe in.
Nigel, could you take
the kids to playgroup?
I'm trying to make
a relaxation tape!
Right, I'm Vince.
- I'm Madeline.
- No, no, no. Put these hats on.
- There you go.
- Where's Stuart?
Sacked. Put the wrong chemicals
in the toddlers' pool.
OK, the first thing
I want to ask...
why do you want to learn to swim?
Number 6?
I've got two boys and I
want to take 'em swimming.
And embarrass them? Dad splashing around
like a clown in a Jacuzzi? Bad reason.
- Number two?
- I've always wanted to swim with dolphins.
Nutter. Number three? Don't I...
Don't I know you?
- I've always wanted to swim because...
- No, no.
Not the question I asked. Learn to listen.
Number four?
I'm getting married and I want to
surprise my fiancé on our honeymoon.
- Where are you going?
- Barbados.
A lot a sharks but lovely beaches.
Worth the risk. Good answer.
OK, let's get on
with the lesson.
See this girl swimming here?
- She's good, isn't she?
- Yes.
What I want you lot
to do is that.
Do that. Copy her.
OK? Don't do that.
- He looks like he's in trouble.
- Exactly. Yeah.
Good point. OK, get in the pool.
- All right, Errol?
- Hiya.
- How you getting on?
- Good.
Done the preparation, just
about to start the undercoat.
Oh, no. I haven't decided
what colour I want yet.
I bought some magazines
- get a few ideas.
What do you think
of this colour?
I'd rather not look at that.
- It's a nice way to do a bathroom.
- It just seems wrong.
It's only apple green
with a hint of basil.
It's not right. You shouldn't
have things like that.
- It's just a lifestyle magazine.
- I don't like that lifestyle.
Well, you have to. When
you go to the paint
shop, you've got to match
this exact colour.
Here you are.
- Do I have to?
- Yeah.
It's the only way
you get the colour.
Imagine you are floating
somewhere beautiful,
like a pool of clear water.
The fish are nibbling at
the hairs on your thighs.
Feel the sun on your face.
Mmm, warm.
You're drifting deeper
and deeper into space.
Daddy, Lucille pulled my hair.
I'm trying to work!
- You here for the lesson, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Where are the others?
- I think it's just me.
Right, so, first thing, why
do you want to learn to swim?
Well, I do a lot of
glamour modelling,
and when we do shoots round the
pool, I look very nervous.
So the editor of Razzle said,
"Either learn to swim or it's
back to Readers' Wives."
I thought I recognised you!
- You've got a Zanussi dishwasher.
- Yeah!
- And the blue-checked curtains.
- Mmm.
Your spice rack's
not level, is it?
A lot of cupboard space, I
was quite impressed by that.
Cos normally blokes
look at the, erm...
No, no, no. I get most of my
decorating ideas from Readers' Wives.
My bedroom is done out like,
you know Julie from Devon?
And I'm thinking of doing the
bathroom like Wanda from Edmonton,
the sort of jade emulsion.
Not sure about the crab stencilling
or the chains on the wall.
I'll let you into a secret.
It's not my kitchen!
Oh, right. I suppose
it's a set, isn't it?
No, it's my mum's kitchen.
Oh, right. That explains it, cos
it was quite old-fashioned -
the tea cosy and those big
knickers on the radiator.
- I thought they can't be yours...
- Can we get on with the lesson?
Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.
It's that one.
I need to see a bit more
of the colour, mate.
OK, just... Sorry.
Just, erm...
Sorry, pal.
Here, does that help?
Nah. Look, I can't do
a match from that.
- Give us the whole page.
- I can't.
Then I can't help you.
No, hang on. Hold on.
Yeah?
- Erm...
- Any time today's fine.
Sorry.
Thank you. Please.
Look, if you want to swim, you
have to get in the water.
I'm scared.
- Would it help if I pushed you in?
- No!
Can't we go in the
toddlers' pool?
I wouldn't risk it, unless
you want pink eyes.
I'm so silly. I should have
learned to swim at school.
But the boys was
always staring at me.
It made me very self-conscious,
you know, cos of these.
I was gonna ask you, you know when
you've got them both in the scales,
- and you're looking back at the camera...
- Three pound four ounces.
No, no, no, that plant on the
sink, is that a busy Lizzie?
Look, I'm really not comfortable
talking about my mother's house!
Is one litre enough for you?
Is there a thing
such as two litres?
That's good. That's good. Now, what I want
you to do now is let go of the ladder.
- No!
- Come on, just let go.
- I can't.
- Let... Let... Just...
- No.
- Do this... with your hands.
- Opposite to what you're doing.
- I'm trying.
OK, imagine it's electrified.
You have to stay in the
water or you'll be shot.
Think of it like Anne Frank, instead
of an attic, she's trapped in a pool.
And she can't get out
cos of the land Nazis.
What are you on about?
Is that too harsh? Anne Frank
trapped in a pool by Nazis?
Who's Anne Frank?
OK, right, you're a puppy,
and the girl who owns you has lost her
ball and you're gonna go in for it.
Oh! I've lost my ball! I want my ball back!
Will you get my ball?
- See? Yeah.
- Ooh! I'm standing in the water!
Ooh! That's incredible!
Remember, you can't get out!
Oh, no, it's, "Oh,
I want my ball!"
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I thought I saw someone.
Not at this time of day.
OK, now the easy bit, see
that bloke swimming there?
Everybody out.
- That'll be 8.70.
- OK.
- I'll just get you a bag.
- Yeah.
No, the one with the
limp is Keyser Soze.
- The limp?
- I'm not going through it again.
Oh, yeah! Sorry, come on in.
What do you think of
this shower curtain?
There. Nice, innit? I
think that'll look good.
Can't see much of it. Agnes
from Bradford's in the way.
You've got a real problem
with these magazines.
I just don't think people should
be naked in their living rooms.
That's where you have...
Christmas.
Ooh! See Karen from Luton?
I'm teaching her to swim.
I found out she's not from Luton
and that's not her kitchen.
See those knickers on the radiator?
Have a guess who they belong to.
Pizza!
- What?
- Pizza.
I didn't order a... pizza.
- Flat 76?
- Yeah.
Wa... Wait...
Errol? Did you order a pizza?
No, we didn't.
- You're in my flat!
- I've put it in the kitchen.
I don't want it. I
haven't got any money.
It's free. It's a free pizza.
- Why are you giving me a free pizza?
- Cos I'm a nice bloke.
Well, I don't want it, go on.
You're teaching my wife to swim.
- What are you on about?
- Lindsay? Glamour model?
Dolphin?
Oh. No, her name's Karen.
Karen's her porno name.
I wish I'd never taken
those photographs.
- I only did it for a laugh.
- There's nothing going on.
That's my job. And
that's my fruit.
The response was amazing.
It's gone to her head.
Suddenly she's got a career. She
thinks she's the next Jordan.
HMS Grantham have made
her their mascot.
I'm sorry but that's
not my problem.
You'll have to sort this
out with your wife.
No. You stop teaching her.
She learns how to swim, next
thing she'll be driving.
I can't do that.
I'm an instructor.
I took the oath.
Well, you don't have a choice!
Right, mate. You, get out.
- What are you doing? What are you doing?
- Karate.
No, you're not.
That is not karate.
That... That's not even scary.
You're not frightening me at all.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
What belt are you, then?
I haven't got one. I've only
had a couple of sessions.
I'm gonna get one and when I
do I'll smash your head in.
- Get out!
- Come on, then. Me and you.
Me and you, yeah? You
want some with me?
I'm a lethal. I'm a lethal.
Errol! Show grasshopper
the way out.
Right. You want some?
Come on, then.
- Did they put olives on the pizza?
- Yeah.
- Great, I love olives.
- Don't touch it!
You don't know what
he's done to it.
I think he's written
something on it.
- Oh, yeah.
- "Shemus..."
- "Shame has no..."
- "She must no..."
"Shame has no twin."
"She must no..."
"Shamus not.."
It says, "She must not swim."
You can't ignore
me, I'm dangerous.
I don't think you are.
I am. I'm unstable.
I'm a nutter!
Go on, then. Do something nutty.
OK. I'll show you nutty. All right.
I warned you.
See? I told you I was a nutter.
- Do you believe me now?
- No.
Can I have my pants back?
- Where's the light bulbs?
- We haven't got any.
- What?
- We haven't got any!
- Why not?
- Cos you didn't buy any.
Why do they all go out
at the same time?
Because we put them all
in at the same time.
Is he still there?
No.
- You're not worried about him, then?
- No.
A real nutter would have
stayed there all night.
- How do you know that?
- Discovery Channel.
Hmm.
Anyway, I'm a
swimming instructor.
I have a duty. I took the oath.
I do solemnly promise to teach...
swimming.
- All right?
- No, I'm not.
- What's that smell?
- My life, innit?
Bloody hell! What
happened to your hand?
I've had an argument with Lisa, man.
Big time.
She's left me.
She said she never wants to see
me again so I punched the wall.
- Did she come back?
- No.
Maybe you're not hitting the wall
hard enough. Give it another go.
- What, you think she might come back?
- It's worth a try.
Go on, give it another pop.
Go on.
Go on. Away you go.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
F... That hurt.
No, I can't let that girl down.
Imagine the scenario. She
gets a big break in Holland,
she's on a diving board doing
continental shots for a video.
The director shouts, "Wider!"
She's ambitious, she pushes those
hamstrings to the very limits.
The excess baby oil has
turned that diving board
into a treacherous plank.
Whoosh! In she goes.
Under once, under twice.
She comes up a third time.
Well, Günther can't help.
- Why?
- He's an Alsatian.
Oh.
- A bit like Turner & Hooch?
- Yeah. A bit.
Gotcha.
Teach another man's
wife to swim, will you?
I warned you. I warned you
once, I warned you twice.
I warned you thrice.
It's the last time you'll
swing that whistle,
you big swinging
whistley-wanker.
Come on, step out into the road.
That's it! That's it, go on.
Go on, yeah, Yeah!
Yeah, that's it.
Get... Bollocks.
Where to, love?
Open your eyes, it'll
stop stinging.
Don't make so much fuss.
Oh! Half a cap full.
Go on, off you go.
You'll be all right.
Sorry I'm late. I had a
photo shoot this morning.
It was bondage gear and some
bright spark lost the keys.
I had a visit last night
from your husband, the
amateur psycho. He doesn't
want you to swim.
Oh! Is he worried about me drowning?
Oh, he's so caring.
No, he wants you
to stay at home.
Aah, he must love me so much
he don't wanna lose me.
You're missing the point.
He got aggressive.
Oh, he made threats for me?
Oh, that's so sweet!
I'm not bothered but you have
got a marriage to preserve,
- so shall we forget the lessons?
- No. Fuck him.
No sign of her, mate.
Do you know where I think
you're going wrong? Stand up.
You need to punch through your
target with a nasty little jab.
So you think to yourself,
"I love Lisa." Nasty
little jab. "I love
Lisa." Nasty little jab.
- Away you go.
- I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.
- That's it.
- I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.
I love you, Lisa.
Is she there yet?
No, still no sign of her.
That's one hard woman, eh?
- You're comfortable in the water now?
- Yeah.
Remember, you can't get out.
Oi!
- Right...
- Glenn!
Lindsay, get out of the pool,
you're coming home with me.
- Vince, what's next?
- I don't wanna get involved.
- Ignore him.
- I'll drink this.
You do realise those chemicals
are very expensive?
- I don't care!
- Put them down.
- He won't drink it.
- I will, I've got no choice.
- I'm mental.
- You're not. He's not! You're lovely.
I'm not! Right... here goes.
- Go on, then.
- It's your fault.
Oh, no, that's horrible. That's strong.
It's like liquorice.
- He doesn't like liquorice.
- That's a shame.
- Now, imagine you're a frog. Yeah?
- A frog?
She doesn't even like frogs.
- Hold on to the side.
- She's my wife!
Kick your legs, like a frog.
Bring your knees up...
You forced me! Cos I'm a nutter.
Together. Bring your knees up
together and then push back.
That's it. Together.
Is that it?
Knees up together
and then kick back.
- I'll give it a go.
- That's it.
Bring them both up together
and then kick back.
- I'm giving it a go.
- Knees up, push out with your arms.
- What if I sink?
- I'll... I'm a lifeguard.
Right, I learnt something
in karate last night
and I was hoping I
wouldn't have to use it.
You're shit at karate.
Push the arms together...
Right, I'm getting security.
No, no, no, no! Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'll just sit.
- No more nonsense?
- No.
Just sit down and shut up.
Vince! Oh, Vince! Look, look!
Vince, I'm swimming! Look! Ah!
Bollocks.
There you go.
Thanks!
It's my job.
Yeah, I blew it.
I didn't want her to
swim because, well...
I can't swim.
W-Would you teach me?
I do solemnly promise to teach...
swimming.
Unless - you sleep
with the window open,
own a caravan, like olives,
are thick, practise martial arts
or you're a grown man
and your name is Sting.
Brilliant. Thanks.
No.
I'll teach myself, then. I
mean, how hard can it be?
A lot easier than karate.
What are you telling me?
You've given up?
You're just gonna sit there and
let her walk out of your life?
Look at my hands, man.
You've got a head, haven't you?
Use that. Go on.
Go on!
OK...
Fucking come on. Come on!
- Hello?
- Hi, Steve, it's me.
I've been walking around
thinking about us
and it seems so stupid,
all the arguments.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love you, Steve.
I wanna come back.
Well, er, I don't know
about that really, Lisa.
Look, I've got to go. I'm doing
a shoot for a new magazine.
- What's it called?
- Quite Big Tits.
It's for blokes who don't like really
big tits or really small tits.
- Fussy bastards.
- Help! I'm drowning!
- Shall we get him out?
- No, he'll be all right.
- See you, then.
- See you.
Hi, Mum, it's Errol.
How are you?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Listen, there's something
I need to ask you.
Since I've been away, have
Nana and Grandad been to stay?
Right.
And did they use my old room?
Right.
No, I don't think I'll be
coming home for Christmas.
You too.
Urgh, Nana!
Come on. Come on, then.
I got you...