101 Places to Party Before You Die (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Puerto Rico - full transcript
The Island of Enchantment serves up ATV rainforest adventures and plenty of rum.
I slept naked
on top of the covers.
That's how I knew
I didn't do well last night.
God help it, like, if anyone
had to come in my room
in the morning.
This giant baby is dead.
"Oh, no.
We've lost the giant baby.
Who let him go
to Puerto Rico?!"
[ Both laugh ]
Adam: Hey,
I'm Adam Pally.
Jon: And I'm Jon Gabrus.
We're comedians and best friends
who love to travel.
We got our dream job.
We're travel hosts!
Two more days,
mother[bleep]!
We're gonna show you
the best places to eat,
drink, and party
in a new spot each week.
But we only have
one weekend to hang out
before we have to
get back to reality.
♪ Let's roll the dice ♪
We're out here
living our lives
at 100 miles an hour
until we die.
Which is probably soon.
Because of this job.
[ Laughing ]
Both: This is "101 Places
to Party Before You Die."
♪♪
This weekend we're going to
Puerto Rico.
It's the Hawaii
of the East Coast.
La Isla del Encanto,
I believe.
Not bad. If you're looking for
an international experience,
but you don't have a passport,
like my Uncle Tony V.,
this is your spot.
But Puerto Rico
is more than that.
It's a place to up your game...
The smallest one yet.
Whoo!
...get out
of your comfort zone...
No, no! No!
My brothers-in-law are finally
gonna respect me.
...and
literally transform yourself.
While we were here,
we went from this to this.
We bought hats.
Hi.
We're in Puerto Rico.
Travel tip --
When you land in a new place,
the best thing to do
is caminar -- walk,
especially if you're looking
to dust off
some of that dope-ass
Spanish you just heard me do.
¿Qué este?
Woman: Quesito.
Quesito and uno quesito
por mi amigo.
Adam: San Juan is
the second oldest city
in the Western Hemisphere,
so that means
cobblestone streets,
creepy churches, and traffic
patterns that make no sense.
Oh [bleep]
The sound of all of them
moving at once is horrifying.
I felt that in my heart.
Oh, I touched him.
That was weird.
That was weird. I think
I touched his [bleep]
Felt it. He was hard.
Adam: We look like tourists,
but not for long.
We're about to blend
in seamlessly
with the locals.
Jon: With hats.
-Hi. How are you? Welcome.
-Hi. How are you?
Panama hats.
They aren't just
for divorced dads, bookies,
and Kevin Pollak anymore.
I need a hat hat.
What am I looking at?
Do you have any preference?
We have big heads.
We know.
Yeah, you can tell.
You saw us coming.
I know I want to look like
a baseball scout.
I want to look like a cigar
and a drink
makes sense in my hand.
Ooh, Ad!
Yeah, you look good
in that, man.
You like it
up in the front?
Yeah, a little bit.
In that hat, you look like
you play bass in R.E.M.
Oh, that's not
what I'm looking for.
♪ Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my ragtime gal ♪
You look like a mayor
in a Broadway musical.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This is what I was looking for.
Big Pharrell energy.
This is awesome. Customizing
shit is what you love to do.
I love to do that.
I'm like Kanye designing,
except I'm not gonna freak out
and demand everyone leave.
You're not gonna really
let us all down in the long run.
Ooh, it's nice and warm
from the press.
Woman: This is hot.
Oh, man, I look like,
'cause I'm so sweaty, too,
a guy in, like,
an adventure movie
who's like
"[Pants] The gold!
It's always been in the bottom
of the cave!"
You want me to go back
to a baseball cap?
No, they're for children.
Ah, yes! And we're men.
And you know what?
This is the time
when white men
reach manhood -- 40.
And we're finally developing
into adult men.
Thank you so much.
The sun's going down,
and that means one thing --
It's time for a little Gabrus
and Pally after dark.
This feels like
Puerto Rico.
I feel cool.
Yeah, I feel really cool.
Now that we look the part
and we found out that Panama
is actually not
in Puerto Rico,
it's time to get into
the local food scene.
Time to flex those language
skills again, El Jonny, baby.
We're checking out
La Alcapurria Quemá.
Thank you, bro.
There you guys go.
Oh, thank you.
Heck, yeah.
Thank you, sir.
Cheers.
That is awesome.
That's too good.
Might as well call
that a hangover.
[ Laughs ]
What does La Alcapurria Quemá
translate to?
It means
the burnt alcapurria.
My dad,
when he first opened it,
the first batch he made me,
he burnt, so...
And alcapurria is a type
of entrée?
It's, like,
our national street food,
I guess you could say.
The outside's made from
a green banana. Roll, stuff it.
And we deep fry it,
and it's golden.
That's in my wheelhouse.
This is the ground beef.
Oh, I like that.
This is the blood sausage.
That is outstanding.
That is, no joke,
a blood sausage churro.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
That's gonna be the beefsteak
with the rice and beans.
Oh, heck, yeah.
Ah, that's so good, dude.
I can, like,
taste my grandmother
cooking in the kitchen.
It's really crazy.
Every Passover,
I'd have to drive into the city
and carry a tin,
like, 30 pounds of onions
and meat balled up,
coiling together.
And the ride was so tense
because she'd be like,
"You're spilling the meatballs!
[ Laughter ]
It's funny you say that,
'cause my graduation present
from my grandma
was a tray of her meatballs.
We were both just connected
to our grandmas.
From a dish that we had
in Puerto Rico...
in Old San Juan.
It's so good.
Like, I feel like
a different person.
Like, I feel like
I'm vacation Gabrus.
Like, when Barbie can just,
like, convert.
They're like,
"Oh, put glasses on her,"
and now she's
College Professor Barbie.
You slap this Panama hat on me,
now I'm Puerto Rican Gabrus.
I've always thought of you
as a buxom blond lady
with no genitals.
You can be whoever you want.
Really finding myself here.
After I finish this,
I'm gonna be tiz-oast.
Yeah.
You want to head home?
Mm.
Definitely.
Adam: Ron Howard voice --
[ As Ron Howard ]
"They did not head home."
[ Normal voice ]
Puerto Rico. Ohh!
Salud, amigos.
Instead we're
at La Factoría,
voted one of the top 50 bars
in the entire world.
You may recognize it from the
"Despacito" music video,
and I recognize it as the place
where my hangover truly began.
We've been drinking rum all day,
so let's keep it the same,
and then you punch us both
in the face.
Let's do it.
This cocktail
is called El Peligroso.
Dangerous.
That looks delicious.
So, for you,
this is the Champeta.
♪♪
Let me know what you think.
I think I need
another one of these.
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
Jon: It's happening!
He's winning.
All right.
Yay!
Say "happy endings."
♪♪
Look at my man.
-La Factoría, man!
-La Factoría.
Go!
♪♪
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho!
Cuatro. Cinco.
All right!
Guys, it's only 8:30.
Oh, my God.
Get me out of Puerto Rico.
♪♪
It's Saturday,
so we're hungover.
And the only cure is doing
something weird in the woods.
We're heading to the
El Yunque National Forest,
the only tropical rainforest
in the U.S.
We're about to go all
medicine man on these ATVs
and get bit by some bugs
that haven't even
been named yet.
Where I do not want to see
you guys --
right up here.
All right.
Just remember, guys --
This is not an extreme tour.
We're not gonna do nothing crazy
like drifting,
zigzagging, wheelies.
No bumper ATVs.
No Crip Walking alongside.
No 69'ing a loved one.
What?!
No, no, not that.
You definitely
don't want that.
No. You said no legs up here.
but if I put my legs here,
yeah.
[ Both laugh ]
Jon: Oh, yeah!
I think
we're gonna like ATVs.
♪♪
[ Laughing ] Yeah!
Amphibious assault vehicle.
Ahh! [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Whoo!
101 places to chafe
your balls before you die.
My brothers-in-law
are finally gonna respect me.
Is there an Apple Store
up here?
[ Laughs ]
Whoo! I'm gonna barf.
Pierce:
This is River Mameyes.
Jon: This is gorgeous.
We usually take
a dip in water.
You can swim in that water?
There is
some eels right there.
Not electrifying eels
obviously.
Not really dangerous.
Will anything swim up
my pee hole?
I'm not sure about that.
Okay.
Look, jumping in a river
in the middle of a rainforest
is not something
that I, like, would do.
But there's something about
Puerto Rico,
We're on vacation.
Oh, you're going in.
Oh, wait.
What are we wearing in?
Is that how you're doing?
Oh, God.
I misunderstood the rules.
Like, 15 fish
flew out of the water.
Ah, something
definitely swam up my pee hole.
Jon: Be careful.
They'll swim up your urethra.
Should we be worried about
clearly someone drowned here?
There's just two shoes
and some fine jewelry.
All right. I want to check every
in-house, outhouse, boathouse,
roadhouse, whatever house
it is on that river --
I want us looking for it.
on top of the covers.
That's how I knew
I didn't do well last night.
God help it, like, if anyone
had to come in my room
in the morning.
This giant baby is dead.
"Oh, no.
We've lost the giant baby.
Who let him go
to Puerto Rico?!"
[ Both laugh ]
Adam: Hey,
I'm Adam Pally.
Jon: And I'm Jon Gabrus.
We're comedians and best friends
who love to travel.
We got our dream job.
We're travel hosts!
Two more days,
mother[bleep]!
We're gonna show you
the best places to eat,
drink, and party
in a new spot each week.
But we only have
one weekend to hang out
before we have to
get back to reality.
♪ Let's roll the dice ♪
We're out here
living our lives
at 100 miles an hour
until we die.
Which is probably soon.
Because of this job.
[ Laughing ]
Both: This is "101 Places
to Party Before You Die."
♪♪
This weekend we're going to
Puerto Rico.
It's the Hawaii
of the East Coast.
La Isla del Encanto,
I believe.
Not bad. If you're looking for
an international experience,
but you don't have a passport,
like my Uncle Tony V.,
this is your spot.
But Puerto Rico
is more than that.
It's a place to up your game...
The smallest one yet.
Whoo!
...get out
of your comfort zone...
No, no! No!
My brothers-in-law are finally
gonna respect me.
...and
literally transform yourself.
While we were here,
we went from this to this.
We bought hats.
Hi.
We're in Puerto Rico.
Travel tip --
When you land in a new place,
the best thing to do
is caminar -- walk,
especially if you're looking
to dust off
some of that dope-ass
Spanish you just heard me do.
¿Qué este?
Woman: Quesito.
Quesito and uno quesito
por mi amigo.
Adam: San Juan is
the second oldest city
in the Western Hemisphere,
so that means
cobblestone streets,
creepy churches, and traffic
patterns that make no sense.
Oh [bleep]
The sound of all of them
moving at once is horrifying.
I felt that in my heart.
Oh, I touched him.
That was weird.
That was weird. I think
I touched his [bleep]
Felt it. He was hard.
Adam: We look like tourists,
but not for long.
We're about to blend
in seamlessly
with the locals.
Jon: With hats.
-Hi. How are you? Welcome.
-Hi. How are you?
Panama hats.
They aren't just
for divorced dads, bookies,
and Kevin Pollak anymore.
I need a hat hat.
What am I looking at?
Do you have any preference?
We have big heads.
We know.
Yeah, you can tell.
You saw us coming.
I know I want to look like
a baseball scout.
I want to look like a cigar
and a drink
makes sense in my hand.
Ooh, Ad!
Yeah, you look good
in that, man.
You like it
up in the front?
Yeah, a little bit.
In that hat, you look like
you play bass in R.E.M.
Oh, that's not
what I'm looking for.
♪ Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my ragtime gal ♪
You look like a mayor
in a Broadway musical.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This is what I was looking for.
Big Pharrell energy.
This is awesome. Customizing
shit is what you love to do.
I love to do that.
I'm like Kanye designing,
except I'm not gonna freak out
and demand everyone leave.
You're not gonna really
let us all down in the long run.
Ooh, it's nice and warm
from the press.
Woman: This is hot.
Oh, man, I look like,
'cause I'm so sweaty, too,
a guy in, like,
an adventure movie
who's like
"[Pants] The gold!
It's always been in the bottom
of the cave!"
You want me to go back
to a baseball cap?
No, they're for children.
Ah, yes! And we're men.
And you know what?
This is the time
when white men
reach manhood -- 40.
And we're finally developing
into adult men.
Thank you so much.
The sun's going down,
and that means one thing --
It's time for a little Gabrus
and Pally after dark.
This feels like
Puerto Rico.
I feel cool.
Yeah, I feel really cool.
Now that we look the part
and we found out that Panama
is actually not
in Puerto Rico,
it's time to get into
the local food scene.
Time to flex those language
skills again, El Jonny, baby.
We're checking out
La Alcapurria Quemá.
Thank you, bro.
There you guys go.
Oh, thank you.
Heck, yeah.
Thank you, sir.
Cheers.
That is awesome.
That's too good.
Might as well call
that a hangover.
[ Laughs ]
What does La Alcapurria Quemá
translate to?
It means
the burnt alcapurria.
My dad,
when he first opened it,
the first batch he made me,
he burnt, so...
And alcapurria is a type
of entrée?
It's, like,
our national street food,
I guess you could say.
The outside's made from
a green banana. Roll, stuff it.
And we deep fry it,
and it's golden.
That's in my wheelhouse.
This is the ground beef.
Oh, I like that.
This is the blood sausage.
That is outstanding.
That is, no joke,
a blood sausage churro.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
That's gonna be the beefsteak
with the rice and beans.
Oh, heck, yeah.
Ah, that's so good, dude.
I can, like,
taste my grandmother
cooking in the kitchen.
It's really crazy.
Every Passover,
I'd have to drive into the city
and carry a tin,
like, 30 pounds of onions
and meat balled up,
coiling together.
And the ride was so tense
because she'd be like,
"You're spilling the meatballs!
[ Laughter ]
It's funny you say that,
'cause my graduation present
from my grandma
was a tray of her meatballs.
We were both just connected
to our grandmas.
From a dish that we had
in Puerto Rico...
in Old San Juan.
It's so good.
Like, I feel like
a different person.
Like, I feel like
I'm vacation Gabrus.
Like, when Barbie can just,
like, convert.
They're like,
"Oh, put glasses on her,"
and now she's
College Professor Barbie.
You slap this Panama hat on me,
now I'm Puerto Rican Gabrus.
I've always thought of you
as a buxom blond lady
with no genitals.
You can be whoever you want.
Really finding myself here.
After I finish this,
I'm gonna be tiz-oast.
Yeah.
You want to head home?
Mm.
Definitely.
Adam: Ron Howard voice --
[ As Ron Howard ]
"They did not head home."
[ Normal voice ]
Puerto Rico. Ohh!
Salud, amigos.
Instead we're
at La Factoría,
voted one of the top 50 bars
in the entire world.
You may recognize it from the
"Despacito" music video,
and I recognize it as the place
where my hangover truly began.
We've been drinking rum all day,
so let's keep it the same,
and then you punch us both
in the face.
Let's do it.
This cocktail
is called El Peligroso.
Dangerous.
That looks delicious.
So, for you,
this is the Champeta.
♪♪
Let me know what you think.
I think I need
another one of these.
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
Jon: It's happening!
He's winning.
All right.
Yay!
Say "happy endings."
♪♪
Look at my man.
-La Factoría, man!
-La Factoría.
Go!
♪♪
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho!
Cuatro. Cinco.
All right!
Guys, it's only 8:30.
Oh, my God.
Get me out of Puerto Rico.
♪♪
It's Saturday,
so we're hungover.
And the only cure is doing
something weird in the woods.
We're heading to the
El Yunque National Forest,
the only tropical rainforest
in the U.S.
We're about to go all
medicine man on these ATVs
and get bit by some bugs
that haven't even
been named yet.
Where I do not want to see
you guys --
right up here.
All right.
Just remember, guys --
This is not an extreme tour.
We're not gonna do nothing crazy
like drifting,
zigzagging, wheelies.
No bumper ATVs.
No Crip Walking alongside.
No 69'ing a loved one.
What?!
No, no, not that.
You definitely
don't want that.
No. You said no legs up here.
but if I put my legs here,
yeah.
[ Both laugh ]
Jon: Oh, yeah!
I think
we're gonna like ATVs.
♪♪
[ Laughing ] Yeah!
Amphibious assault vehicle.
Ahh! [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Whoo!
101 places to chafe
your balls before you die.
My brothers-in-law
are finally gonna respect me.
Is there an Apple Store
up here?
[ Laughs ]
Whoo! I'm gonna barf.
Pierce:
This is River Mameyes.
Jon: This is gorgeous.
We usually take
a dip in water.
You can swim in that water?
There is
some eels right there.
Not electrifying eels
obviously.
Not really dangerous.
Will anything swim up
my pee hole?
I'm not sure about that.
Okay.
Look, jumping in a river
in the middle of a rainforest
is not something
that I, like, would do.
But there's something about
Puerto Rico,
We're on vacation.
Oh, you're going in.
Oh, wait.
What are we wearing in?
Is that how you're doing?
Oh, God.
I misunderstood the rules.
Like, 15 fish
flew out of the water.
Ah, something
definitely swam up my pee hole.
Jon: Be careful.
They'll swim up your urethra.
Should we be worried about
clearly someone drowned here?
There's just two shoes
and some fine jewelry.
All right. I want to check every
in-house, outhouse, boathouse,
roadhouse, whatever house
it is on that river --
I want us looking for it.