1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 9 - Waking Up Dead - full transcript

- male narrator:
AFTER EXHAUSTIVE RESEARCH,

WE'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION
DEATH LOVES THE STUPID.

OUR EVIDENCE?

A NAG WHO GETS FRAGGED,

A STEAMROLLER
WHO GETS FLATTENED,

AND A STOWAWAY WHO GETS ICED.

- HELP ME!

narrator: THERE'S THE GAMBLER
WHO WINDS UP IN A JAM,

THE ACUPUNCTURE PATIENT
WHO GETS THE POINT...

[thud]
- [groan]

narrator: AND FINALLY,



TWO KNUCKLEHEADS
WHO GO FROM FUN TO DONE

DOING SOMETHING
CALLED GLOBE RIDING.

WE'RE JUST BUSTIN' BALLS
ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF

1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

[rock music]

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,

OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT
OF ITS WAY.

[honking]

EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST

GERMS,

TOXINS,

INJURY,

ILLNESS,



AND CATASTROPHE.

[sirens]

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE
AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

[beeping]

LEANN WAS AN ADDICT.

HER DRUG-- TEXTING.

[beeping]

IT WAS AS IF
SHE WAS ADDICTED TO HEROIN.

AND IT WAS
TAKING OVER HER LIFE.

[beep]

EVEN HER HEALTH WAS AFFECTED--

SHE HAD CONSTANT HEADACHES,
SUFFERED FROM INSOMNIA,

AND WAS SHOWING EARLY SIGNS
OF CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

IN OTHER WORDS,
SHE WAS A WRECK.

FINALLY, SHE SOUGHT HELP...

- THIS DOCTOR CHIN'S OFFICE,
YEAH?

narrator: FROM AN
ACUPUNCTURE SPECIALIST.

- EXTERIOR BODY HAS CONNECTION
WITH INTERNAL BODY.

narrator: ACUPUNCTURE
IS A 2,500-YEAR-OLD

FORM OF CHINESE MEDICINE

BASED ON THE FLOW
OF ENERGY IN THE BODY

CALLED "QI".

[beeping]

NEEDLES ARE PLACED
AT SPECIFIC ENERGY POINTS

TO ENABLE THE FLOW OF QI.

[beeping]

- OKAY?
- MM-HMM.

narrator: LEANN BEGAN
DRIFTING INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS.

UNTIL HER CELL PHONE
REARED ITS UGLY HEAD.

[beeping]

[thud]
- [soft groan]

narrator: LEANN MIGHT HAVE
SURVIVED HER CRASH LANDING

EXCEPT FOR ONE THING...

A NEEDLE PLACED IN HER CHEST

WENT RIGHT
THROUGH HER BREAST PLATE.

[splashing noise]
PIERCING HER HEART.

- EVEN A SMALL PIN,

IF IT ENTERS A HEART
AND CAUSES IT TO BLEED,

COULD CAUSE A HEART
TO BLEED AROUND ITSELF.

THIS WOULD NOT ALLOW
THE HEART TO COLLECT BLOOD,

AND THE PATIENT WILL
DROP THEIR BLOOD PRESSURE.

IN ADDITION,
THE LUNGS WOULD COLLAPSE,

COMPROMISING
THE RESPIRATORY FUNCTION,

AND THE PATIENT
CAN POTENTIALLY DIE.

narrator: IF LEANN COULD'VE
RESPONDED TO HER LAST MESSAGE,

IT MIGHT'VE WENT
SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

OH, MY GOD.

GOT TO GO.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

- HERE WE GO, BABY!

COME ON!
[laughing]

narrator: AROUND THE WORLD,
1 IN 25 DEATHS

IS CAUSED
BY ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION.

IF YOU WANNA KNOW HOW OR WHY,
NORTON IS A GOOD PLACE TO START.

- WATCH OUT!

COMIN' THROUGH!

narrator: OF THE 17 MILLION
ALCOHOLICS IN THE U.S.,

HALF ARE JUST LIKE NORTON--

FUNCTIONING AND ABLE
TO HOLD DOWN STEADY JOBS.

- WELL, MAKIN' THE WORLD FLAT.

narrator: BEING A PRIVATELY
CONTRACTED STEAMROLLER OPERATOR

MEANT NORTON WAS HIS OWN BOSS.

AND THE BOSS ENCOURAGED
DRINKING ON THE JOB.

- FLAT, FLAT, FLAT.

narrator:
HE ALREADY PUT THE CRUSHER

TO A COUPLE OF SIX PACKS.

AND NOW NATURE WAS CALLING.

- YOU DON'T DRINK BEER,
YOU RENT IT.

narrator:
INSTEAD OF HITTING THE HEAD,

HE SHOULD'VE USED HIS.

NORTON HAD FORGOTTEN
TO SET THE HYDRAULIC BRAKE.

WITH THE TOILET STANDING
AT THE BOTTOM OF A SLIGHT HILL,

IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG
FOR THE 44,000-POUND ROLLER

TO GAIN SOME SPEED.

- AH!

narrator: AND ROLL RIGHT OVER
POOR NORTON.

[crunching noises]

- IF SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET
ROLLED OVER BY A STEAMROLLER

AND THE STEAMROLLER
CAME FROM HIS LEGS,

IT WOULD BE JUST
LIKE A TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE

WHERE ALL THE CONTENTS OF
THE COLON, ALL THE FECAL MATTER,

ALL OF THE DIGESTIVE JUICES,
AND ALL OF THE FOOD

HE HAD JUST
EATEN IN HIS STOMACH--

IT WOULD START AT THE RECTUM,
AND IT WOULD JUST SQUEEZE IT

ALL THE WAY UP TO THE TOP.

SO ALL OF THAT WOULD
COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH,

AND IT WOULDN'T
TASTE VERY GOOD.

- HEY, HEY.

narrator: NORTON WORKED HARD,

AND DRANK EVEN HARDER.

COMBINING THE TWO
LEFT HIM FEELING...

- AH!

narrator: A LITTLE FLAT.

COMING UP...

A STOWAWAY
BECOMES EXCESS BAGGAGE.

- HELP!

narrator: AND...

- DIDN'T I ASK YOU
TO MOW THE LAWN?

narrator: THE WIFE FROM HELL
GETS TO GO THERE.

- YOU'RE MY WIFE,
YOU'LL DO AS I TELL YOU.

YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE.

narrator: NIGEL WAS
A TURD OF A HUSBAND.

HE ABUSED HIS WIFE, NAOMI,
AND NOW SHE WAS LEAVING HIM.

- I'M DONE.

narrator:
IN A LAST-DITCH EFFORT,

NIGEL JUMPED
ON HER AIRPORT SHUTTLE

TO TRY AND CHANGE HER MIND.

- YOU'RE NOT GETTING
ON THAT PLANE, YOU GOT THAT?

GET THAT IN YOUR THICK HEAD!

narrator: THE FRESH BLACK EYE
NAOMI WAS SPORTING

GAVE HER ALL
THE RESOLVE SHE NEEDED.

- SEE THAT RING?
IT MEANS SOMETHING.

- A GUY WHO'S TRYING TO
STOP HIS WIFE FROM LEAVING

IS DESPERATE.
- YES, YOU ARE!

- HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM
IS HIGHLY AROUSED,

THERE'S A LOT OF
DOPAMINE AND ADRENALINE

FLOODING THROUGH HIS BODY.

AND HE IS NO LONGER
USING HIS THINKING BRAIN.

- OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU'RE
GETTING ON THAT PLANE,

YOU HEAR THAT?

- WISHFUL THINKING.

- WELCOME ABOARD.

narrator: BEFORE BOARDING, NAOMI
THREW OFF HER WEDDING RING

AND FELT 1,000 POUNDS LIGHTER.

- HAVE A NICE FLIGHT.

narrator: BACK BEFORE 9/11,
SECURITY WAS A JOKE.

THE RELAXED ATMOSPHERE
AT THIS SMALL AIRPORT

ALLOWED NIGEL TO SNEAK
RIGHT INTO A CARGO BAY

ON HIS WIFE'S PLANE.

HE JUST COULDN'T LET GO.

WHAT NIGEL DIDN'T REALIZE--

ONCE THE DOOR WAS SEALED,
SO WAS HIS FATE.

AS THE AIRLINER CLIMBED OUT,

THE TEMPERATURE
IN THE THINNING ATMOSPHERE

DROPPED LOWER AND LOWER.

AT 6,000 FEET, IT WAS
A TEETH-CHATTERING 23 DEGREES.

AT 18,000,
A BONE-CHILLING MINUS 5.

OF 32,000 FEET,

THE AIR TEMPERATURE
IN THIS UNHEATED CARGO BAY

HIT 50 DEGREES BELOW ZERO--

COLD ENOUGH TO FREEZE MERCURY

AND HUMAN SKIN...

INSTANTLY.

- HELP ME!

HELP!

- WHEN SOMEONE IS
IN THE FUSELAGE OF A JET

OF A JET

AND ASCENDS
TO HIGH ALTITUDE,

THEY WILL SUFFER THE EFFECTS

OF PROGRESSIVE HYPOTHERMIA
AND LACK OF OXYGEN.

THERE'S BASICALLY
PHASES OF HYPOTHERMIA

HE'LL GO THROUGH THAT RANGE
FROM THE ONSET--

WITH THE SHIVERING,
GOOSEBUMPS--

TO A PROGRESSIVE CONFUSION,
MUSCLE DISCOORDINATION.

EVENTUALLY THE HEART
WILL SLOW DOWN,

PULSE WILL SLOW DOWN,
RESPIRATION SLOW DOWN.

HE'LL BREATHE SLOWER.

THERE'S JUST A PROGRESSIVE
CELLULAR DYSFUNCTION AND DEATH.

narrator:
NIGEL DIED AS HE LIVED...

A COLD-HEARTED BASTARD.

THERE'S A GOOD REASON
RON WAS ALWAYS

HIDING UNDERNEATH HIS CAR.

- HEY! DIDN'T I ASK YOU
TO MOW THE LAWN?

WILL YOU STOP
WORKING ON YOUR DAMN CAR

AND MOW THE LAWN?

[engine humming]

narrator: MARCIE,
HIS WIFE OF TEN YEARS,

WAS, TO PUT IT DELICATELY,

THE BALL-BUSTING
HARPY BITCH OF THE CENTURY.

- HEY, HEY,
GO BACK AND GET THAT.

I ASKED YOU TO MOW THE LAWN.
- I AM!

- NO, NO, NO,
YOU'RE NOT MOWING THE LAWN,

YOU ARE RUINING THE LAWN.

narrator: THEIR RELATIONSHIP
WAS LESS HUSBAND AND WIFE,

AND MORE PRISONER AND GUARD.

- WHEN A PERSON
MAKES A BROAD ACCUSATION

BASED ON
THEIR LAWN-MOWING SKILLS,

AND YOU SAY
YOU'RE A LOUSY PERSON

JUST BASED ON
THAT ONE GENERALIZATION,

THERE'S CLEAR
BREAKUP OF COMMUNICATION

BETWEEN THAT COUPLE.

- THIS IS PATHETIC!

narrator: IT'S NOT LIKE
HE DIDN'T IMAGINE

TURNING DOWN
HER VOLUME CONTROL.

- HOW HARD IS A STRAIGHT LINE?

YOU GO FROM HERE TO THERE,
FROM HERE TO THERE.

narrator: HE JUST
DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS.

- OH! AND AFTER THIS,
I WANT YOU TO GO TO THE STORE

AND GET ME SOME TAMPONS...

SUPER ABSORBENT.

AND GET SOME
FOR YOURSELF, MISSY.

narrator: BUT SOMETIMES
THE GOD OF HENPECKED HUSBANDS

TAKES PITY
ON CASES LIKE RON'S.

- STOP!
STOP!

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING!
GET OUT OF THE WAY!

I WILL SHOW YOU HOW
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MOW THE LAWN.

JUST TAKE THIS!

JUST MOVE.
GET OUT OF MY WAY!

IT IS SO SIMPLE!

YOU PRESS THIS
AND YOU MOVE FORWARD.

YOU GO FORWARD!

YOU JUST HAVE
TO GO FORWARD LIKE THIS!

[electricity crackling]

narrator:
IN A VODKA-FUELED RUSH

TO SHOW
HIM THE RIGHT WAY TO MOW,

MARCIE RAN OVER THE CORD
TO RON'S 200-AMP ARC WELDER.

[crackling noises]

- WE HAVE SOMEBODY
THAT'S HOLDING A HANDLE

AND THEY RUN OVER SOMETHING,

AN ELECTRICAL CHARGE
GOES THROUGH.

IT'S GONNA
CREATE A CIRCUIT.

SO THEY'RE GONNA
GET AN ELECTRICAL JOLT.

AND THIS
IS ENOUGH TO DISRUPT

THE ELECTRICAL
ASPECTS OF THE HEART.

THE HEART BASICALLY DOESN'T
FUNCTION AS PUMP ANYMORE,

AND IT'S JUST QUIVERING
LIKE SOME JELL-O.

AND IT'S GONNA CAUSE WHAT
THEY CALL A DYSRHYTHMIA.

narrator:
RON'S LIFE WAS HELL...

- RON!

narrator:
HIS WIFE WAS HELL AS WELL.

- IT'S PATHETIC!

narrator:
SHE TOLD HIM TO MOW...

- FROM HERE TO THERE...

narrator:
AND AWAY HE DID GO.

- GET OUT OF THE WAY!

narrator: BUT NOW,
HIS WIFE IS NO MO'.

- LIKE THIS!
[electrical crackles]

[birds singing and chirping]

- THERE IS A GOD.

[sizzling]

- SIGN HERE.
- WH-- WHY?

narrator: UP NEXT...

THIS GUY HAD TOO MUCH
LEAD IN HIS PENCIL.

AND...

- SORRY GUYS, GOTTA RUN.

narrator: A GAMBLER GETS
SQUEEZED OUT OF THE ACTION.

- NO, NO!

- I'M ALL-IN, MAN.
- YOU ALL-IN?

- ALL-IN.
CALL THAT.

- CALL YOUR MOM,
SHE'S READY TO COME PICK YOU UP.

narrator:
TOBY WAS A JUNKYARD OWNER

WHO GOT HIS ROCKS OFF
PLAYING HIGH STAKES POKER

WITH A BUNCH OF
MOB-CONNECTED HEAVIES.

- WHAT?
ARE YOU SERIOUS? AGAIN?

narrator:
FOR THE LAST FOUR HOURS,

HE HAD BEEN CLEANING THEM OUT

DEAL AFTER DEAL.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT YOU GOT?

narrator: NO MATTER
WHAT THEY WERE HOLDING,

TOBY ALWAYS
HAD THE UPPER HAND.

- I HAD A FULL HOUSE
AND THIS GUY BEATS ME?

- COME ON, GIVE YOU ONE MORE
HAND TO CLEAN YOU GUYS OUT.

THEN YOU KNOW WHAT--
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

I'LL GIVE YOU GUYS
BUS FARE TO GET HOME.

- BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS.

- GO SCREW YOURSELF.

narrator:
WHAT THE OTHERS DIDN'T KNOW...

TOBY HAD BEEN MAKING SURE
THE ODDS WERE ALWAYS

- PRETTY MUCH
EVER SINCE PEOPLE

STARTED BETTING MONEY
WITH CARDS,

PEOPLE STARTED CHEATING.

CHEATING IS STUPID.

STUPID.

YOU'RE GOING
TO GET CAUGHT EVENTUALLY.

- DUDE, I JUST SAW THAT.

- SAW WHAT, MAN?
- DUDE, I JUST SAW YOU

PULL THAT ACE
OUT OF YOUR SLEEVE, MAN.

- DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

- HE'S CHEATING
RIGHT HERE, MAN!

- SORRY GUYS,
GOTTA RUN.

- CHEATING IS
A DEADLY WAY OF LIFE.

EVENTUALLY YOU'RE
GONNA CHEAT THE WRONG PERSON.

WHEN YOU TAKE SOMEBODY
FOR THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS,

THEY'RE GONNA BE PRETTY MAD.

narrator: TOBY HIGHTAILED IT
INTO HIS JUNKYARD.

all: GO, GO, GO!

narrator: AND DUCKED
INTO A WRECKED MINIVAN.

- GET THIS GUY, MAN.

narrator:
HE SLIPPED THE HEAVIES,

BUT THEY WERE
THE LEAST OF HIS PROBLEMS.

- NO, NO!
HELP!

narrator: THE GIANT CLAW JAMMED
THE DOOR AGAINST HIS LEG,

PINNING HIM
TO THE SEAT OF THE VAN.

- HELP, SOMEONE'S IN HERE!

HELP ME!
PLEASE!

PLEASE!
SOMEONE HELP!

narrator: NOBODY COULD HEAR
HIS FEEBLE CRIES FOR HELP

OVER THE ROAR
OF HEAVY MACHINERY.

- HELP! HELP!

narrator: IF TOBY KNEW
WHERE THE WRECKED VAN

WAS ABOUT TO WIND UP...

- HELP ME, SOMEONE'S IN HERE!

narrator:
HE'D BE SCREAMING EVEN LOUDER.

- HELP ME, PLEASE!
SOMEONE!

narrator: HE WENT FROM
THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE.

- HELP ME!

[muffled yelling]

narrator: MAKE THAT THE JUICE...
INTO THE JUICER.

- I WOULD SUSPECT
THAT HE WOULD PROBABLY

BE AWAKE AND AWARE,
AND PROBABLY FEELING PAIN,

AS THE CAR
AROUND HIM IS CRUSHED.

THEN THE FIRST THING THAT
WOULD HAPPEN WOULD PROBABLY BE

THAT YOUR RIBS WOULD BREAK

BECAUSE THEY'RE BRITTLE, AND
FRAGILE, AND NOT COMPRESSIBLE.

AND THEN YOU WOULD BEGIN

COMPRESSING
YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS.

I THINK WHAT
WOULD KILL YOU FIRST

WOULD PROBABLY BE ASPHYXIA,

BECAUSE YOUR LUNGS
WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO EXPAND.

AND THEN YOU WOULD DIE
BASICALLY OF CHOKING TO DEATH.

narrator:
YOU CAN CHEAT AT CARDS,

TAKE EVERYONE'S MONEY,

BUT WHEN DEATH
PUTS THE SQUEEZE ON YOU...

YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.

[dripping noises]

JOE SYRACKI'S ARMY-NAVY STORE
HADN'T HAD A CUSTOMER IN WEEKS.

BUT EVEN ON THE BRINK
OF LOSING HIS BUSINESS,

THE ARMENIAN IMMIGRANT
REMAINED OPTIMISTIC.

- [chuckling]
[sighs]

TIME TO OPEN UP.

- HELLO, SIR.

- WELCOME, WELCOME, SIR.
HOW ARE YOU?

- ARE YOU FAMILIAR
WITH THE WORD "FORECLOSURE"?

SIGN HERE.
- WH-- WHY?

WE HAVE PAID,
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING--

- YOU HAVE NOT PAID.

- ECONOMIC STRESS AFFECTS PEOPLE

THE WAY ANY STRESS
AFFECTS SOMEONE.

IF YOU'RE FORECLOSED UPON, THAT
CAN HAVE PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCES--

INCREASE IN HEART RATE,
INCREASED ILLNESS.

SO THERE ARE
PHYSIOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS

THAT ARE THE PRIMARY
SYMPTOMS OF STRESS.

narrator: THE ECONOMY
WAS TAKING ITS TOLL

ON SMALL BUSINESSMEN
EVERYWHERE.

SYRACKI'S AMERICAN DREAM
WAS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE.

- YOU KNOW, I ADMIRE AMERICA.
THAT'S WHY I COME HERE.

- SIR...

YOU NEED TO SIGN IT.

- NO, NO,
I CAN'T SIGN THIS.

narrator: THE ARMENIAN'S
PROTESTS FELL ON DEAD EARS.

THE BANK REP HAD SYRACKI
BY THE SHORT HAIRS.

THERE WAS NO WAY OUT.
- SIGN THERE.

narrator:
ONCE SYRACKI HAD SIGNED,

THE HARD-WORKING
IMMIGRANT'S BUSINESS

WOULD BE THE PROPERTY
OF THE BANK.

ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS
FOR THE BANKER TO COUNTERSIGN.

- SINCE YOU'VE
THROWN MY PEN AWAY,

I THINK I'M
GOING TO NEED A NEW PEN.

THAT LOOKS LIKE A LOVELY PEN.

CAN I USE THAT ONE TO SIGN?

- THIS IS NOT GOOD PEN.

- GIVE ME MY PEN!

- ALL RIGHT.

- THIS...

IS A MOMENT
I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO ENJOY.

- BELIEVE ME, SIR,
YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS PEN.

- SHUT UP.

narrator: BANKER BOY
SHOULD'VE LISTENED.

IT WAS AN UNUSUAL PEN,

BUT NOT IN ANY WAY
HE COULD'VE IMAGINED.

- NO, PLEASE, SIR.

[gunshot]

- THE PEN GUN
IS ACTUALLY.22 CALIBER.

VERY, VERY SMALL.

AND BECAUSE YOU
DON'T HAVE A LONG BARREL,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY RIFLING IN THE BARREL

TO GAIN SPEED
ON THE PROJECTILE,

YOU HAVE TO SHOOT IT
FROM AN EXTREMELY CLOSE RANGE--

WITHIN TWO OR THREE FEET--
FOR IT TO KILL YOU.

[gunshot]

- IF A BULLET ENTERS
THAT'S SMALL ENOUGH

THAT DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH FORCE

TO EXIT OUT
THE BACK OF THE SKULL,

IT'LL RICOCHET
WITHIN THE SKULL.

IT COULD RICOCHET AT THE TOP,
AND THEN ALONG THE BACK,

AND STRAIGHT
INTO THE BRAIN STEM--

THE PART OF THE BRAIN
THAT CONTROLS

VITAL FUNCTIONS OF THE BODY,

SUCH AS BREATHING
AND HEART RATE IS ONE.

THEN IT'S GONNA CAUSE DEATH.

narrator:
FORECLOSURE'S A BITCH.

- YOU NEED TO SIGN IT.

narrator: BUT WHEN YOU HAVE TO
SIGN ON THE BOTTOM LINE...

[gunshot]

[thud]

MAKE SURE IT'S WITH INK,
NOT BLOOD.

DON'T GO AWAY...

TWO DUDES GET ON A ROLL...

AND CAN'T STOP.
- [screaming]

narrator: COMING UP.

narrator:
HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?

TERRY AND CEDRIC
TUMBLING DOWN A MOUNTAIN,

GATHERING SPEED AS THEY GO,

TRAPPED INSIDE SOMETHING
CALLED A GLOBE RIDING BALL.

LET'S BACK UP
AND TAKE A LOOK.

- WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

narrator: IT ALL STARTED WITH--
BIG SURPRISE-- A BAD IDEA.

TERRY AND CEDRIC WERE
KILLING TIME WHEN THEY SPOTTED

AN UNTENDED GLOBE RIDING BALL.

THEY'RE MADE TO ROLL WITH THE
RIDER CUSHIONED SAFELY INSIDE.

WITHOUT BOTHERING
TO ASK PERMISSION,

THEY JUMPED IN TO SEE WHAT
THIS NEW CRAZE WAS ALL ABOUT.

- IF YOU EVER WANTED TO BE
IN A BALL AND GO DOWN A HILL,

ZORBING IS JUST
A DIFFERENT TYPE OF SPORT

THAT I THINK EVERYBODY
SHOULD EXPERIENCE AT LEAST ONCE.

THERE'S THE OUTSIDE LAYER,
THEN THE INSIDE LAYER,

AND BETWEEN THAT IS AIR.

SO IT ABSORBS
MOST OF THE SHOCK.

ON A FLAT SURFACE
YOU CAN CONTROL THE BALL,

BECAUSE YOU CAN
ACTUALLY PUSH THE BALL

IN THE DIRECTION
THAT YOU WANT TO GO.

I'VE COMPARED IT TO A HAMSTER
IN A BALL, IF YOU WILL.

- [laughing]

narrator: TO COMPARE
THESE TWO TO HAMSTERS

WOULD BE AN INSULT TO
THE ENTIRE RODENT COMMUNITY.

- [both yelling excitedly]

narrator: AT FIRST, THEY WERE
HAVING A BALL INSIDE A BALL.

- [both yelling]

narrator: BUT WHEN THEIR LAUGHS
TURNED TO SCREAMS,

IT WAS TOO LATE.

- [indistinct shouting]
GOTTA SLOW DOWN!

[both screaming]

- ONCE GRAVITY TAKES OVER,

THERE'S REALLY NOT
MUCH CONTROL THAT YOU HAVE

IN A DOWNHILL ENVIRONMENT.

JUST A HEIGHTENED
SENSE OF RISK

THAT YOU TAKE
GOING DOWN THE HILL.

narrator:
THE STEEP MOUNTAINSIDE

GOT THE BALL
UP TO 45 MILES AN HOUR.

AT THIS SPEED, THEIR BODIES WERE
BEING THROWN INTO EACH OTHER,

BREAKING BONES
AND CRACKING HEADS.

IT WAS LIKE BEING
IN MULTIPLE CAR CRASHES

WITHOUT SEATBELTS.

FINALLY, THEIR PRANK CAME TO
A PAINFUL AND FATAL END.

THEIR PARTY BALL POPPED,
AND WHAT WAS LEFT INSIDE

LOOKED LIKE AN OUTTAKE
FROM HUMPTY DUMPTY.

MULTIPLE FRACTURES,
BROKEN SKULLS,

AND SEVERE BRAIN INJURIES
MEANT ONE THING--

ALL THE KINGS MEDICS
WOULD NEVER PUT

THESE TWO MORONS
TOGETHER AGAIN.

- * IT'S ORIGINAL