1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 8 - Death Watch - full transcript

THE END IS NEAR.

IT'S JUST A LOT CLOSER
TO SOME THAN OTHERS,

LIKE THE CRAZY CHEF
WHO LET DINNER GET AWAY...

OR THE '50s CHICK
WITH THE HOT HAIRDO.

HOW ABOUT THE CAT HATER
WHO TOOK A DIVE,

A SPEED FREAK WHO SPUN OUT,

A GOLFING COUPLE
WHO WENT OFF COURSE,

AND A CAR WASH
THAT WILL SHOCK YOU?

ALL THAT AND MORE
ON THE NEXT EPISODE

OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.



MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS...

TOXINS...

INJURY...

ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

THE CHEERLEADERS
OF SIMI VALLEY U

HAD A GREAT IDEA
TO RAISE SOME CASH.

THEY'D HAVE A CAR WASH.

* WE'RE SIMI, WE'RE SIMI



* WE'RE SIMI VALLEY U

* GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY,
AND WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU *

THING IS, THERE IS NO
SIMI VALLEY UNIVERSITY.

THESE GIRLS WERE STRIPPERS

OUT TO MAKE SOME QUICK
DAYTIME CASH.

- HEY, HOW MUCH IS IT, LADIES?

- WHATEVER YOU GOT
IN YOUR WALLET, BIG BOY.

- LET'S DO IT.

NOT THAT THE CUSTOMERS

GAVE IT MUCH THOUGHT.

THEY WERE FAR TOO MESMERIZED
BY THEIR STUDENT BODIES.

- WOMEN HAVE A DEFINITE
EASIER WAY TO PULL A CON

THAN MEN DO.

A MAN WILL OPEN HIS WALLET
TO A SEXY WOMAN

FASTER THAN
ANOTHER WOMAN WILL,

BECAUSE MEN THINK
WITH THE HEADS

BETWEEN THEIR LEGS,

NOT WITH THE HEAD
ON THEIR SHOULDERS.

THE WASH-AND-WAX SCAM
WAS REALLY WORKING.

AND A SIZZLING LAP-DANCE MOVE
TO SHINE UP THE HOOD

ENSURED A BIG PAYOFF.

- THANK YOU.
- HOW ABOUT A GROUP HUG?

- GROUP HUG!
- GROUP HUG!

- HEY.
- HEY.

IT'S REALLY BIG AND DIRTY.
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

HAROLD WAS A WIDOWER ON HIS WAY

TO RETURN SOME SPANKING VIDEOS
WHEN HE SPOTTED THE HOT ACTION.

- YOU DON'T MIND IF I CLIMB
IN THE BACK THERE

WHILE YOU WASH THE VAN?

- NO.
- NO.

THE GIRLS PUT ON
A FIVE-STAR SHOW,

AND THE OLD PERV
LAPPED IT UP.

THIS WAS WAY BETTER
THAN ANY SPANKING VIDEO.

- YES,
STRETCH WAY UP.

THANK GOD MY WIFE DIED.

HAROLD WAS ABOUT
TO REACH THE CAR-WASH VERSION

OF A HAPPY ENDING.

TO POLISH OFF
THE OLD GEEZER,

THEY BROUGHT OUT
AN ELECTRIC BUFFER.

BUT THESE LITTLE
"MISS DEMEANORS"

HAD A BAD CONNECTION.

- IN THE SCENARIO WHERE
INDIVIDUALS ARE ELECTRIFIED

AND THEY'RE ALL IN CONTACT,

THE ELECTRICITY WOULD TRAVEL
FROM ONE INDIVIDUAL

THROUGH THE REST OF THEM,

TAKING THE PATH
OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

THEY WOULD THEN FALL,

AND, THE HEART
WILL JUST FIBRILLATE.

SO ALL THE MUSCLES ARE JUST
CONTRACTING INDEPENDENTLY

IN-- IN A SYSTEMIC UNIT.

AND THE HEART WILL JUST LOOK
LIKE A BAG OF WORMS

MOVING AROUND
WITHOUT ANY EFFECTIVE HEARTBEAT.

THE PHONY
CHEERLEADERS GOT A BIG CHARGE

OUT OF BILKING
THEIR HORNDOG CUSTOMERS.

* WE'RE SIMI
announcer: GIVE ME A "D."

GIVE ME AN "E."
GIVE ME AN "A."

AND ANOTHER "D."
WHAT DO WE GOT?

IN THE 1950s, GOING PARKING
WAS THE HEP THING TO DO.

- COME HERE, LOVER BOY.

BETTY AND SUSIE
HAD A DOUBLE DATE

WITH A COUPLE OF SWELL GUYS.

SUSIE WAS FAST AND HOT.
BETTY WAS NOT.

ALL SHE CARED ABOUT
WAS HER HAIR.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU'RE RUINING MY HAIR!

- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO THIRD BASE?

BACK THEN,
THE BEEHIVE WAS ALL THE RAGE.

AND BETTY
HAD A COLOSSAL ONE,

HELD ALOFT BY CAN UPON CAN
OF HAIR SPRAY.

THAT NIGHT, BETTY'S B-52
WAS FLYING HIGH,

BUT ALL HER DATE, JOE,
WANTED TO DO

WAS GET IN HER COCKPIT.

- WATCH IT.
JEEZ.

- COME ON, BABY.
I'M ABOUT TO BLOW.

JOE HAD ENOUGH
OF SQUARESVILLE.

IF THIS CHICK
WOULDN'T PUT OUT,

HE WAS GONNA GET REAL GONE.

JOE TOOK HIS FRUSTRATION OUT

ON A SMOKE.

- YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE
OF THOSE?

IN AN INSTANT,

BETTY'S HAIR
BECAME A TOWERING INFERNO.

BACK IN THE '50s,
HAIR SPRAY CONTAINED ALCOHOL

AND OTHER HIGHLY FLAMMABLE
PROPELLANTS,

CAUSING HER HAIR TO BURN HOTTER
AND LONGER.

- HAIR IS GETTING BURNED OFF.
FINE, THAT'S DEAD TISSUE.

BUT NEXT THING THAT'S GONNA GO
IS THE SCALP.

YOU TAKE THE SCALP AWAY
AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN,

THE HEAT IS VERY CLOSE
TO THE BRAIN,

AS A RESULT,

SUCKING OUT OF THE FLUID
FROM THE CELLS IN THE BRAIN,

AND THE BRAIN SHRIVELS UP
LIKE A PRUNE.

AND YOU START GETTING
A GRUESOME, PAINFUL DEATH.

BETTY'S BRAINS
WERE COOKING INSIDE HER SKULL.

- WATCH THE HAIR!

BETTY WOULDN'T GIVE IT UP,

AND THEN SHE LIT IT UP.

ALL BECAUSE
OF HER KILLER HAIR.

COMING UP,
A DRUGGIE'S BAD IDEA

BLOWS UP IN HIS FACE...

AND A PET SITTER
GET CATNIPPED.

DENNIS
WAS A FULL-ON SNORTIN',

SHOOTIN',
PILL-POPPIN' DRUGGIE.

THERE WASN'T ANY SUBSTANCE
HE HADN'T OR WOULDN'T ABUSE.

HIS BRAINS WEREN'T JUST FRIED,
THEY WERE BURNED TO A CRISP.

THIS FREAK WAS THE ALL-TIME
POSTER BOY FOR WHAT NOT TO DO.

- AND TWO OF THESE,
BECAUSE THERE'S ONE OF THOSE,

THERE'S GOT TO BE TWO
OF THESE.

- WHEN YOU ARE TAKING
TWO DIFFERENT COMPONENTS

OR MORE-- MORE THAN TWO,
POSSIBLY,

THAT HAVE THE SAME EFFECT

BUT ACT
THROUGH DIFFERENT PATHWAYS,

THAT RESULTS
IN A GREATER EFFECT

THAN IF YOU TOOK EACH ONE
SEPARATELY.

- YES. YES. YES.

ON ANY GIVEN NIGHT,

HE COULD BE FOUND
MIXING AND MATCHING

A MEDICINE CABINET
FULL OF MIND-NUMBING SUBSTANCES.

AFTER SCRAPING TOGETHER
A MIXTURE OF PRESCRIPTION

PAINKILLERS,
ANTIDEPRESSANTS,

COCAINE,
AND CRYSTAL METH...

HE WAS OFF
TO THE RACES.

NOTHING COULD KEEP UP WITH HIM.

- YEAH!

HIS MUSIC FELT TOO SLOW...

- NO! NO!

FASTER! FASTER!

HIS PHONE
WAS NO MATCH FOR HIS MOUTH.

EVEN HIS STONER RELIC
FROM THE '60s,

A LAVA LAMP,
FAILED TO MOVE FAST ENOUGH

FOR THIS WASTED SPEED FREAK.

- WHAT-- WHAT IS WRONG?
COME ON!

- A LAVA LAMP CONTAINS WATER
AND A PETROLEUM-BASED WAX.

AS THE WAX BEGINS
TO HEAT UP,

IT WILL LOWER ITS DENSITY

AND BE LESS THAN
THE WATER ITSELF.

SO IT WILL FLOAT UP
TO THE TOP OF THE LAMP.

- GO! GO! GO! GO!
MOVE, MAN, MOVE!

DENNIS DECIDED TO NUKE IT

TO BRING HIS LAMP
UP TO SPEED.

- YEAH! YEAH!

- THE SOLUTION
WILL BEGIN TO BOIL.

THE MOLECULES WILL GO
INTO A GASEOUS STATE.

IN ORDER FOR IT TO EXPLODE,

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BUILD UP
A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF PRESSURE,

AND THAT
WOULD EVENTUALLY LEAD UP

TO A MUCH MORE
POWERFUL EXPLOSION.

- YEAH.
BOIL, BABY! BOIL!

IT WAS AN OVERDOSE OF BAD.

THE LAVA LAMP EXPLODED,

IMBEDDING A SHARD OF GLASS
INTO DENNIS' FOREHEAD,

WHILE HIS FACE WAS DRENCHED
IN A BLISTERING COAT

OF SUPERHEATED LAVA LIQUID.

THE LESSON HERE,

DRUG ABUSE IS BAD FOR YOU
AND WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU.

PUTTING A LAVA LAMP
INTO A MICROWAVE,

THAT'LL GET YOU THERE
IN NO TIME AT ALL.

TIME'S UP, DENNIS.

- OKAY. AND YOU KNOW
HOW OFTEN TO FEED ROCKY, RIGHT?

- YEAH. FOUR...

SOMETIMES THE JOURNEY
TO HELL CAN START

WITH AN INNOCENT CONVERSATION.

- ROCKY, I TALKED TO HIM,

AND HE'S EXCITED
FOR SOME MALE-BONDING TIME,

'CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS
JUST BEEN STUCK WITH ME BEFORE.

PETER IS RECEIVING
LAST-MINUTE INSTRUCTIONS

ON TAKING CARE
OF HIS GIRLFRIEND ANNIE'S CAT

WHILE SHE GOES OFF
ON A BUSINESS TRIP.

- YOU HAVE TO CHECK THE FECES
AND MAKE SURE

THAT THERE'S NO WORMS THERE.

CAT FECES AND WORMS
WASN'T HIS IDEA

OF A FUN WEEK.

BUT HE WAS BEING
THE GOOD GUY.

- I'M GONNA TAKE CARE
OF THE CAT.

BUT YOU KNOW I'M ALLERGIC.

NOT ONLY WAS PETER ALLERGIC,

HE SECRETLY HATED CATS
AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM.

- OKAY. SO YOU KNOW TO FEED HIM
TWICE A DAY.

AND TO...

- THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE
I HAVE HEARD FROM

WHO COMPLAIN THAT THEIR PARTNERS
WHO ARE CAT OWNERS--

THAT THEY TREAT THEIR CATS
A LITTLE BIT BETTER

THAN THEY TREAT THEM.

- I LOVE YOU.

A HURRIED PECK ON THE CHEEK,

A QUICK GOOD-BYE,
AND THE DOOR CLOSES,

LEAVING PETER ALONE
WITH HIS NEMESIS.

- STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

THE CAT'S NAME WAS ROCKY,

WHICH WAS EXACTLY HOW THINGS
WERE ABOUT TO GET.

SOON ENOUGH,
PETER WAS A SNEEZING, WHEEZING

FOUNTAIN OF SNOT.

I HATE YOU.

PETER THOUGHT
IF HE HAD TO SUFFER,

HE MIGHT AS WELL CRACK OPEN
A BOTTLE

AND GET AS DRUNK AS POSSIBLE.

BUT THE DRUNKER HE GOT,
THE WORSE HE FELT,

AND THE MORE HE REGRETTED
HIS DECISION

TO BABY-SIT
ANNIE'S STUPID CAT.

FINALLY IT WAS TIME
TO GET IN THE RING WITH ROCKY.

BUT IT WAS HARDLY
AN EVEN MATCH.

CATS ARE SMART.
DRUNKS ARE STUPID.

- WHEN SOMEBODY HITS THEIR HEAD
REALLY HARD,

A FLUID WAVE IS SENT
THROUGH THE BRAIN

DUE TO THE IMPACT,

AND IT STRETCHES THE CONNECTIONS
BETWEEN BRAIN CELLS

AND DIRECTLY STUNS
THE BRIAN CELLS THEMSELVES.

THAT'S WHAT A CONCUSSION IS.

IF IT HAPPENS TO BE
IN A SMALL POOL OF WATER,

THEY'RE OUT.

AND THEY'RE NOT GONNA RECOGNIZE
THAT THEY'RE DYING.

KNOCKED OUT,
HIS FACE IN A PET BOWL,

PETER SUCKED IN
ALL THE WATER AND DROWNED.

DID HE LEARN
ANY LIFE LESSONS?

NEVER GET IN A FIGHT
WITH A CAT NAMED ROCKY.

UP NEXT, A WOMAN HAS
A ROUGH TIME WITH SMOOTHIES,

AND TWO GOLFERS TAKE
SOME BAD SHOTS AT EACH OTHER.

- GO TO HELL!

ARLENE WAS ONE
OF THOSE MISINFORMED HEALTH NUTS

WHO BELIEVED
SHE COULD LIVE FOREVER.

A DAILY COMBINATION
OF WHEATGRASS,

MEGADOSES
OF VITAMIN SUPPLEMENTS,

AND FRESH VEGGIES
RUN THROUGH A JUICER

WERE HER WEAPONS
AGAINST THE AGING PROCESS.

- NUTRITION, EXERCISE

CAN EXTEND THE LONGEVITY
OF ANYBODY.

YOU SEE THESE PEOPLE
IN REMOTE PARTS OF RUSSIA

WHERE THESE PEOPLE LIVE TO BE
120, 130 YEARS OLD SOMETIMES.

AND THEY SAY, WELL,
IT'S JUST A BASIC, ORGANIC DIET.

ARLENE GREW
HER OWN ORGANIC WHEATGRASS

AND TENDED TO IT
WITH LOVING CARE.

WHAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW,

HER LANDLORD WOULD COME BY
ONCE A WEEK

WHILE SHE WAS AT WORK
AND SPRAY RAT POISON EVERYWHERE,

INCLUDING HER PRECIOUS PATCH
OF IMMORTALITY.

WEEK AFTER WEEK, HER GARDEN
WAS BEING DRENCHED

IN THE DEADLY VERMIN KILLER.

- BETTER DIE SOONER.

- RAT POISON IS COUMADIN,

WHICH IS A BLOOD THINNER.

BUT WE USE IT
AS A MEDICATION

FOR PEOPLE,
TO THIN THEIR BLOOD

IF THEY HAVE BLOOD CLOTS.

EVERY DAY BEGAN
WITH THE SOUND

OF HER BLENDER MIXING UP
ANOTHER IMMORTAL COCKTAIL.

BUT THE MORE SHE DRANK,
THE SICKER SHE WAS BECOMING.

NEVER SUSPECTING THE SOURCE
OF HER DISCOMFORT

WAS THE HOME-BREWED MEGA-JUICE,

ARLENE KEPT
KNOCKING THEM DOWN,

HOPING THIS WOULD MAKE HER
FEEL BETTER.

- IT TAKES ABOUT FOUR DAYS
FOR THE COUMADIN

TO ENTER YOUR SYSTEM
IF IT'S INGESTED ORALLY.

IT'S VERY EASY TO OVERDOSE
ON IT AND BECOME TOO THIN

IN YOUR BLOOD.

ARLENE'S BLOOD
HAD BEEN THINNING

FOR OVER SIX WEEKS,
CAUSING INTERNAL HEMORRHAGING,

UNTIL ONE DAY
SHE GOT ON HER EXERCISE BALL,

AND THE BLOOD VESSELS
IN HER BRAIN EXPLODED.

- OVERDOSED ON COUMADIN,

YOU AREN'T ABLE TO MAKE
ANY BLOOD CLOTS,

AND YOU'LL HAVE PROFUSE BLEEDING
INTO YOUR JOINTS.

YOU CAN SPONTANEOUSLY BLEED
INTO YOUR BRAIN

AND JUST HEMORRHAGE
TO DEATH.

ARLENE THOUGHT
SHE COULD LIVE FOREVER.

INSTEAD SHE FOUND
A DIFFERENT FOREVER--

DEATH.

TEN YEARS AGO,
MOIRA WAS A RISING STAR

ON THE WOMAN'S
PRO GOLF TOUR.

- JOSH, COME ON!
- FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

BUT HER UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER...

- YOU ARE SUCH AN A-HOLE!

AND HER DRINKING
CAUSED HER TO WASH OUT.

- UM, I THINK WE'RE NEXT.

YEAH.

WE CHECKED IN FIRST.

NOW SHE
AND HER HUSBAND, JOSH,

SPENT THEIR TIME
GETTING HAMMERED

AND TAKING CHEAP SHOTS...

AT EACH OTHER.

- HOPE THAT WAS
YOUR PRACTICE SWING.

- SHUT UP AND DRINK.

- THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS

THAT YOU CAN LOOK
IN A RELATIONSHIP TO SEE

IF IT'S GOING
IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

SO ONE OF THEM IS WITHDRAWAL.

ANOTHER ONE IS STONEWALLING.

ANOTHER ONE, WHICH IS
THE MOST SIGNIFICANT ONE,

IS CONTEMPT.

IF YOU HAVE CONTEMPT
IN A RELATIONSHIP,

THAT MEANS YOU'VE REALLY LOST
COMMUNICATION

BETWEEN THE SPOUSES.

AND THAT IS NOT
A VERY GOOD SIGN

FOR THE DURATION
OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

- SHUT THE HELL UP!

- I'M TRYING TO PLAY
A LITTLE GOLF HERE.

- I'M SO SORRY.

THE TOXIC PAIR
WERE ABOUT AS APPEALING

AS A TRIPLE BOGEY.

- SHUT UP!
- WHAT A BITCH.

- DON'T MISS IT.

- HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO PLAY GOLF...?

MOIRA'S ONCE-PROMISING GOLF GAME

HAD GONE FROM BEN HOGAN
TO HULK HOGAN.

- I HATE YOU!
- GET HIM! GET HIM!

- KILL THE BITCH!
- I HATE YOU!

- YOU ARE THE DEVIL!

MARK TWAIN DESCRIBED
GOLF AS A GOOD WALK RUINED.

FOR THESE TWO,
IT WAS ONE LONG BAD DRIVE.

- AND BY THE WAY,
MY SECRETARY,

I'VE BEEN SCREWING HER
FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS.

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SO HAVE I.

- I HATE YOU.
- I HATE YOU.!

- THEY'RE AT THE MERCY
OF WHATEVER THEY HIT.

OUR SMALL INTESTINES CAN BE TORN
OFF OF THEIR BLOOD SUPPLY.

OUR AORTA IN OUR CHEST
CAN BE RIPPED.

OUR BRAIN CAN ALSO SUFFER
FROM DECELERATION INJURIES.

WITH ALCOHOL
AND ANGER AS THEIR HANDICAPS,

IT'S NO WONDER THESE TWO
WOUND UP IN THE ROUGH.

LAST UP,
A BLACK-MARKET SNAKE

LEAVES IT'S OWN BLACK MARK.

YOU NEVER KNOW
WHAT CAN BE FOUND

BEHIND AN UNMARKED
AND UNREMARKABLE STOREFRONT.

IN THIS CASE, AN ILLEGAL
UNDERGROUND RESTAURANT.

- GOOD EVENING,
LADIES, GENTLEMEN.

TONIGHT WE HAVE
VERY SPECIAL INGREDIENT.

I SURPRISE YOU.
HA HA.

CHEF WANG'S RECIPE FOR SUCCESS?

ENDANGERED
AND ILLEGAL SPECIES

SMUGGLED IN
FROM AROUND THE WORLD.

HIS TWISTED CLIENTELE
SHELL OUT THOUSANDS

FOR A CHANCE
TO SINK THEIR TEETH

INTO ANYTHING TEETERING
ON THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION.

- I THINK
HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND.

- YEAH, BUT HE COOKS UP
A MEAN PANDA BEAR.

BLACK-MARKET ANIMALS
ARE BIG BUSINESS.

EVERY YEAR,
UP TO 30,000 PRIMATES,

2 TO 5 MILLION BIRDS,
AND 10 MILLION REPTILES

ARE SOLD ILLEGALLY.

IT'S THE THIRD LARGEST
ILLEGAL TRADE IN THE WORLD,

RIVALED ONLY BY GUNS
AND DRUGS.

- BOSS, WHAT
SPECIAL INGREDIENT TONIGHT?

- TONIGHT
WE SERVE A KING COBRA!

- OOH.

BEFORE CHEF WANG HAD A CHANCE

TO CUT INTO HIS COBRA...

IT GOT LOOSE.

- THE KING COBRA
IS THE LONGEST VENOMOUS SNAKE

IN THE WORLD.

IF HE'S UP HOODED AT YOU,

HE'S GIVING YOU A WARNING--
"PISS OFF."

- VERY TRICKY SNAKE.

- THE HOOD IS DESIGNED
TO SCARE YOU,

MAKE ITSELF LOOK
VERY FEARSOME,

AND IT WORKS 99%
OF THE TIME.

- BE CAREFUL, BOSS.
- I'M VERY CAREFUL.

COME ON, LITTLE DEVIL.

GONNA CATCH YOU.
GONNA MAKE GOOD DISH.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

- BOSS! BOSS! BOSS!

- FANGS ARE DESIGNED
LIKE A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE.

THEY'RE HOLLOW OR GROOVED.

WHEN THEY BITE,
THESE VENOM GLANDS SQUEEZE,

AND THEY CAN PUMP
A COPIOUS AMOUNT

OF VENOM INTO YOU.

- YOU OKAY? YOU OKAY?
- NO! NO! AAH! AAH!

TONIGHT'S MAIN DISH
HAD INJECTED THE CHEF

WITH A POWERFUL NEUROTOXIN.

HEADING STRAIGHT
FOR HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM,

IT BEGAN TO SWITCH OFF
ALL HIS VITAL FUNCTIONS

INCLUDING HIS ABILITY TO SEE,
HEAR, AND BREATHE.

IT ALSO KICK-STARTED

A FAST-MOVING NECROTIZING
INFECTION ACROSS HIS FACE.

- WITHIN 20 MINUTES,
YOU ASPHYXIATE,

AND YOUR HEART STOPS,
AND, YOU'RE DONE, SON.

AS THE SAYING GOES,
"YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT."

IN CHEF WANG'S CASE,

HE IS EXACTLY
WHAT HE SHOULD BE--

DEAD.

IT'S ORIGINAL