1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 7 - Come on Get Deathy - full transcript

A little person swallows a harp; a cute bliss seeker gets tanked; a mean hubby goes over the edge; a guitar player gets unplugged; a gold digger digs her own grave; a dumb thief breaks his numbskull, a spurned lover gets trashed

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---
- OOH, OOH!

male narrator: DANGER, DANGER.

DEATH IS IN THE AIR.

THOSE BREATHING IN
ITS NOXIOUS FUMES ARE

A HOT SEEKER WHO
MEETS A COLD-BLOODED SNAKE,

A LITTLE GUY
WHO SWALLOWS HIS PRIDE,

A MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS.
- WHOA!

narrator: A MUSICIAN
WHO CAN'T GET OUT OF BED,

A GOLD DIGGER WHO CASHES OUT,

A CROOK WHO TAKES
THE WRONG LOOK,

AND A JILTED LOVER WHO GETS
PUT OUT WITH THE TRASH.



SETTLE IN AND GET COMFY.

THE NEXT EPISODE OF
1,000 WAYS TO DIE IS HERE.

[rock music]

narrator:
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,

OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT
OF ITS WAY.

[honking]

EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST

GERMS,

TOXINS,

INJURY,

ILLNESS,

AND CATASTROPHE.

[sirens]



THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE
AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

narrator:
IN THE NEW AGE ENCLAVE

OF ST. AUGUSTINE,
FLORIDA,

SERENITY WAS ON A QUEST
FOR WHAT BUDDHISTS CALL

SATORI,

WHICH MEANS
"ENLIGHTENMENT."

EVERY DAY, SHE LED
A DISCIPLINED REGIMEN

OF YOGA EXERCISES
AND MEDITATION.

ALL WITH THE GOAL
OF FREEING HER MIND

AND BECOMING ONE
WITH THE UNIVERSE.

THE CENTERPIECE
FOR HER QUEST FOR NIRVANA

WAS A HOMEMADE
ISOLATION TANK.

- AS YOU LIE THERE
IN THE DARK, WARM LIQUID

THAT'S HEATED TO YOUR
EXTERNAL SKIN TEMPERATURE,

YOU BEGIN TO SORT OF LOSE
A SENSE OF YOUR BODY SPACE.

YOU KNOW,
THE BOUNDARIES OF WHERE YOU END

AND WHERE
THE WATER BEGINS.

IT'S EXTREMELY
PEACEFUL AND BLISSFUL

WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE TANK
AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR OR TWO.

narrator: ST. AUGUSTINE
IS HOME

TO MANY SPIRITUAL SEEKERS
LIKE SERENITY.

IT'S ALSO HOME TO
THE FLORIDA WATER MOCCASIN--

AN EXTREMELY VENOMOUS SNAKE.

AS SERENITY GOT HERSELF
INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE,

THE SNAKE GOT ITSELF
INTO THE NICE, WARM TANK.

- SNAKES ARE ECTOTHERMIC.

LIKE ALL REPTILES,
THEY ACTUALLY HAVE

TO RAISE THEIR BODY TEMPERATURE
BY SEEKING SOME SORT OF

EXTERNAL MEANS
TO ELEVATE THEIR TEMPERATURE.

USUALLY THEY'RE
GONNA BASK IN THE SUN.

BUT IF IT'S NIGHTTIME,
THEY'RE GONNA SEEK OUT

WHATEVER WARMTH THEY CAN FIND.

narrator:
ONCE INSIDE THE TANK,

SERENITY'S MIND WAS
FREE TO WANDER THE COSMOS.

IN HER BLISSED OUT STATE,

SERENITY HAD NO IDEA
SHE WASN'T ALONE.

THE SNAKE FOLLOWED
ITS OWN BLISS...

AND BIT HER.

- AH!

- THE WATER MOCCASIN,
BEING A PIT VIPER,

RELIES ON A VERY STRONG VENOM
THAT CARRIES A HEMOTOXIN

WHICH IS GONNA BREAK DOWN
ANY SORT OF MUSCLE TISSUE.

THAT TOXIN IS INJECTED THROUGH
TWO NEEDLE-LIKE FANGS,

GOING INTO THE MUSCLES, AND
CAN ACTUALLY GO INTO THE HEART.

AND THAT IS DEFINITELY
GONNA RESULT IN A FATAL BITE.

narrator: SERENITY WAS
LOOKING FOR PARADISE ON EARTH.

SHE SHOULD'VE REALIZED
IN EVERY EDEN

THERE'S ALWAYS A SNAKE
TO WATCH OUT FOR.

- SO A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR,
AND THE BARTENDER SAYS,

"WHY THE LONG FACE?"

narrator: RAMON WAS A LITTLE
PERSON WITH A BIG PROBLEM.

IT WAS FIVE FEET,
EIGHT INCHES TALL.

AND ITS NAME WAS DORIS.

DORIS HAD A THING
FOR LITTLE PEOPLE.

SHE LIKED TO DOMINATE,
HUMILIATE, AND EVEN ABUSE THEM.

RAMON WAS HER LATEST PET.

HE PUT UP
WITH HER MISTREATMENT

IN ORDER TO BE
WITH A BIG WOMAN.

BUT DORIS WANTED RAMON
TO MAKE MORE MONEY,

OR ELSE SHE WAS GONE.

HIS PLAN TO KEEP
HIS FULL-SIZED HOTTIE HAPPY?

- "THE SHORT RAMON
COMEDY HOUR."

narrator: A STAND-UP
COMEDY AND MUSIC ROUTINE.

- NICE.

*

* I MET A GIRL ONE DAY,
AND SHE HAD ONE LEG *

* I ASKED HER NAME
AND SHE SAYS *

* EILEEN

narrator: BESIDES DORIS,
RAMON HAD ANOTHER BIG PROBLEM...

HE WASN'T FUNNY.

- BUT GUESS WHAT
HER FAVORITE RESTAURANT WAS.

IHOP!

*

narrator: RAMON WAS CONSTANTLY
TRYING OUT NEW MATERIAL

WITH A BORED DORIS
AS HIS ONLY AUDIENCE.

- WHOA.

[laughing]
*

narrator: FINALLY,
DORIS HAD ENOUGH.

- WHY DON'T
YOU GET A REAL JOB?

- SHE WOUND UP AND
WHACKED HIM WITH HER PURSE.

- [choking noises]

narrator: KNOCKING HIS HARMONICA
DEEP DOWN HIS THROAT.

- [choking noises]

- A GENTLEMAN
WITH AN HARMONICA

IN HIS THROAT
THROUGH HIS AIRWAY,

THE OBJECT PARTIALLY
OBSTRUCTS THE AIRWAY,

IRRITATES THE LARYNX,

AND THE LARYNX
DEVELOPS SECONDARY SPASM,

WHICH MAY COMPLETELY
OBSTRUCT THE AIRWAY.

narrator: WITH THE HARMONICA
LODGED IN HIS WINDPIPE,

RAMON'S STRUGGLE TO BREATHE

PRODUCED
AN EERIE TWO-NOTE MELODY.

- NOW THAT'S FUNNY.
[laughing]

[two-note melody,
choking]

narrator: HIS LAST SONG
BECAME HIS DEATH RATTLE.

[choking melody]

IT'S FUNNY WHAT
PEOPLE WILL DO FOR LOVE.

- * EILEEN

[grunts]

[gasp]

narrator: WELL...

NOT THAT FUNNY.

COMING UP...
- GET OFF.

narrator: A MARRIAGE
HITS THE ROCKS.

AND A GUITAR PLAYER
GOES FROM HERO...

TO ZERO.

narrator: SOMETIMES,
THINGS AREN'T AS THEY SEEM.

TAKE THESE TWO HIKERS,
FOR EXAMPLE.

MARCO AND WANDA SEEM TO BE

JUST ANOTHER MARRIED COUPLE
OUT FOR A HIKE.

THEY DON'T APPEAR TO BE
THE HAPPIEST OF COUPLES.

BUT IF WANDA KNEW JUST HOW
TRULY UNHAPPY HER HUSBAND WAS,

SHE WOULD'VE SKIPPED THE HIKE...
- LET'S GO!

narrator:
AND CALLED THE POLICE.

- WHAT A DOUCHE.

- WHEN YOU LOSE RESPECT
IN A RELATIONSHIP,

THIS IS WHAT CAN HAPPEN.

IT CAN ERODE THAT TRUST.

IT CAN ERODE THE GOOD FEELINGS
WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP.

- WE JUST RAN.
narrator: AFTER FIVE YEARS,

THEIR MARRIAGE
WAS ON THE ROCKS.

- YOUR ASS IS GETTING BIGGER.

narrator: THEY
ALREADY DISCUSSED DIVORCE.

BUT MARCO HAD
A MUCH SIMPLER PLAN.

- HEY, I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.

- MAKE SURE YOU JIGGLE IT
WHEN IT'S DONE.

narrator: HE WAS GOING
TO KILL HER.

MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT,

AND SPEND ALL THE INSURANCE
MONEY WITH HIS MISTRESS.

- YEAH, I'M GONNA DO IT,
BABY, YEAH.

I GOTTA GO, I GOTTA GO.

LET'S GO. YOU READY?
- YEAH.

- LOOK AT THIS VIEW.

THIS IS, LIKE,
A 280-DEGREE VIEW HERE.

narrator: MARCO THOUGHT HE'D BE
ABLE TO TURN ON THE CHARM

ONE LAST TIME BEFORE
HE DID THE DIRTY DEED.

BUT WANDA WASN'T BUYING IT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS VIEW REMINDS ME OF?

WHY I CAN'T STAND
LOOKING AT YOU ANYMORE.

narrator:
THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW.

- COME ON, BABY.
LET'S TAKE A PICTURE TOGETHER.

narrator: IT WAS TIME
FOR DIVORCE, MARCO STYLE.

- GET OFF!

- WHOA!
- [screaming]

[cracking]

- SOMEONE THAT FALLS
FROM TWO TO THREE STORIES

AND LANDS ON THEIR FACE
CAN RESULT IN

FACIAL FRACTURES,
SKULL FRACTURES,

BLEEDING FROM THE BRAIN
AS IT COLLIDES WITH

THE INSIDE OF THE SKULL,

AND LIKELY, TRAUMA
TO THE SPINAL COLUMN.

narrator: AS MUCH AS WANDA
WANTED TO GET RID OF MARCO...

- OH, MY GOD!

narrator: THIS WAS NOT
HOW SHE IMAGINED IT.

- SMILE FOR THE PICTURE.
- GET OFF.

narrator: MARCO'S PLAN
DIDN'T JUST BACKFIRE...

- [screaming]
- [grunting noise]

narrator:
IT BROKE HIS BACK.

[playing rapid off-key notes]

*

narrator: THERE ARE
TWO THINGS ABOUT JOEY

THAT IDENTIFY HIM
AS A TYPICAL MUSICIAN...

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE FIRST SONG ON MY NEW ALBUM,

BABY, BABY, BABY

WITH MY SMASH HIT,
BABY, BABY, BABY.

* BABY, BABY, BABY
narrator: ONE...

HE LIVED IN
A COMPLETE FANTASY WORLD

WHERE HE WAS
ALREADY A HUGE STAR.

*

AND TWO, HE WAS BROKE.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[audience cheering]

- TO BECOME
A SUCCESSFUL MUSICIAN,

YOU LITERALLY HAVE TO PUT YOUR
BALLS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK.

I'VE BEEN IN SITUATIONS
WHERE I LITERALLY HAD NO IDEA

WHERE THE NEXT DOLLAR
WAS GONNA COME FROM.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN
USE IT AS AN EXCUSE

TO SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST
DOING THIS FOR MY ART, MAN."

BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO PAY THE RENT,

YOU'LL END UP ON THE STREET.

- * I SAID
BABY, BABY, BABY *

narrator: THE STREET WAS
RIGHT WHERE JOEY WAS HEADED.

HE WAS THREE MONTHS BEHIND
ON HIS RENT.

JOEY WAS PUTTING
HIS LIFE INTO A NEW SONG,

HOPING THAT THIS
WOULD BE HIS BIG HIT.

- * WHEN THE LANDLORD
COMES A-KNOCKIN' *

*

* I'LL BE ROCKING
OUTTA HERE *

narrator: BUT THEN
REALITY CAME KNOCKING.

[pounding]
- JOEY, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

narrator: HIS LANDLORD
DIDN'T SOUND TOO HAPPY.

- GIMME MY THE FREAKIN' RENT!

narrator:
JOEY WAS TRAPPED.

HE HAD NOWHERE TO HIDE
EXCEPT HIS WALL-BED.

- [grunt].

- [sighs]

- NEVER RENT
TO A FREAKIN' MUSICIAN!

[door slams]

narrator: JOEY HAD DITCHED
HIS HOMICIDAL LANDLORD,

BUT HE NOW WAS FACED
WITH A BIGGER PROBLEM.

THE BED WAS STUCK.

AND WITH THE MATTRESS AND COVERS
SEALING UP THE CRACKS,

HE WAS RUNNING OUT OF AIR.

- TIME'S YOUR ENEMY.

YOU ARE BACKED UP
AGAINST THE MATTRESS,

THE MATTRESS COULD BE AGAINST
YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR NOSE,

WHICH IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN
GET AIR AND OXYGEN

INTO YOUR BODY.

THE MECHANICS
CAN BE AGAINST YOU,

BECAUSE THE MATTRESS
COULD BE PRESSING AGAINST YOU

AND YOU CAN'T EXPAND
OR CONTRACT YOUR CHEST.

AND YOU'VE BASICALLY CHOKED OFF
THE OXYGEN SUPPLY TO THE LUNGS,

WHICH THEN
FRESHEN OUT THE BLOOD.

YOU BASICALLY
ASPHYXIATE TO DEATH.

- [muffled noises]

narrator:
JOEY HAD SOUNDPROOFED HIS PAD

WITH CHEAP EGG CARTONS.

NO ONE COULD HEAR
HIS MUFFLED CRIES FOR HELP.

OVER THE NEXT HOUR,
HE WENT FROM ROCK STAR...

TO STONE COLD DEAD.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

YOU'RE TOO KIND.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.

[cheers and applause]

narrator: UP NEXT...

A THIEF GETS NAILED
DURING FOREPLAY,

AND MONEY CAN'T BUY LOVE,

BUT IT SURE CAN SCREW YOU.

narrator: MOST PEOPLE
PLAY BY THE RULES

AND THINK LEADING A LIFE
OF CRIME WOULD BE A BAD IDEA.

THEN THERE'S DICKY.

HE LIVES ON
THE OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY,

STEALING WHATEVER
ISN'T TIED DOWN.

[video games beeping]

THE VIDEO ARCADE
WAS RIPE FOR HIS PICKING.

- A LOT OF PEOPLE
ARE INVOLVED IN CRIME.

THEY GET THE THRILL OUT OF IT.
IT'S THE ADRENALINE RUSH.

BUT THEY RATIONALIZE
THAT STEALING,

TAKING THINGS FROM PEOPLE,
IS NOT A BAD THING.

[video game beeping]

narrator: LOOKING FOR A PLACE
TO HIDE UNTIL CLOSING TIME,

DICKY WOUND UP
BEHIND THE VIRTUAL GOLF GAME.

NOBODY WOULD ACCUSE DICKY
OF BEING OVERLY BRIGHT.

IN FACT, THIS GUY WAS
ALL KNUCKLE AND NO HEAD.

WHILE WAITING FOR
EVERYONE TO CLEAR OUT,

HE GOT RESTLESS.

HE CUT A HOLE
IN THE PROJECTION SCREEN

TO SEE HOW THINGS WERE GOING.

AT THIS POINT, YOU SHOULD
BE SAYING TO YOURSELF,

"WELL, THAT'S A STUPID IDEA."

- FORE!

- IF A SMALL OBJECT IS TRAVELING
AT TERMINAL VELOCITY,

IT CAN ACT JUST LIKE A BULLET.

THERE MAY BE BLEEDING
FROM A SKULL FRACTURE,

WHICH RESULTS IN THE BRAIN BEING
COMPRESSED INSIDE THE SKULL.

AND IF THE BRAIN GETS
PUSHED DOWN

THE CANAL WHERE
THE SPINAL CORD COMES OUT,

THEN THAT
RESULTS IN BRAIN DEATH.

narrator: A GOLF BALL
CAN COME OFF A CLUB HEAD

AT WELL OVER
100 MILES AN HOUR,

WITH ENOUGH FORCE TO BREAK
SOMEONE'S SKULL AND KILL THEM.

THAT IS, IF THEY WERE STUPID
ENOUGH TO GET IN ITS WAY.

DICK-Y.

- GAME OVER.

narrator:
BRANDY WAS IN LOVE...

WITH MONEY.

SHE WOULD SPEND HOURS
EVERY DAY PLAYING WITH IT.

TOUCHING IT.

- YEAH!

narrator:
FONDLING IT.

BASICALLY, MAKING LOVE
TO HER HUGE PILE OF RICHES.

FOR BRANDY, THE BEST
THING ABOUT HER MONEY

WAS THAT SHE HAD
MANAGED TO STEAL IT ALL

FROM HER RICH,
OLD GEEZER HUSBAND.

- KA-CHING, YEAH!

YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT,
YOU REALLY WERE AWESOME.

- WAS I?

narrator: THE OLD GEEZER THOUGHT
HE HAD IT MADE.

HE GOT TO BANG ON BRANDY
EVERY NIGHT.

- SLAM ME AGAINST THE WALL.
- AT MY AGE, CAN YOU IMAGINE?

- IT'S THAT V YOU GOT.

narrator: AND EVERY TIME
SHE ASKED HIM FOR SOME DOUGH,

HE WOULD FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO SAY NO.

- YOU KNOW, DARLING,
ABOUT MY ALLOWANCE...

I THINK I DESERVE A LITTLE BUMP,
DON'T YOU THINK?

- EH, YOU KNOW...

HAVEN'T YOU BEEN READING
THE NEWSPAPERS, WATCHING THE TV?

THE ECONOMY SUCKS,
ALL MY STOCKS ARE DOWN.

[beeping noises]

narrator: BUT BRANDY
HAD A SECRET.

INSIDE HER
HIGH-SECURITY VANITY ROOM

WAS HER OWN PERSONAL FORT KNOX
OF WEALTH AND RICHES.

ALL OF IT STOLEN
FROM HER TIGHTWAD HUSBAND.

- MWAH.
[laughing]

WHOO!

narrator:
BRANDY WAS A NAUGHTY GIRL.

- SPANK ME HARD, DADDY.

[whacking noise]
WHOO!

narrator: BUT SHE
WAS ABOUT TO GET SPANKED

BY SOMETHING A LOT WORSE...

narrator: DEEP DOWN
BELOW THE EARTH,

A RUMBLING BEGAN.

IT WAS PAYBACK TIME
FOR HER YEARS OF LARCENY.

EARTHQUAKE.

[deep rumbling]

AN ACT OF GOD BROUGHT
HER WORLDLY GOODS TUMBLING DOWN.

- WHEN A PILE OF STUFF
COMES CRASHING DOWN ON SOMEBODY,

IT COULD BE LIKE SOMEBODY
HAS YOU IN A VICE-LIKE EMBRACE

AND YOU CAN'T EXPAND
OR CONTRACT YOUR CHEST.

YOU CAN'T GET YOUR LUNGS
TO OPEN AND CLOSE

TO GET THE AIR IN OR OUT
TO BREATHE,

THE MECHANICS
ARE WORKING AGAINST YOU.

AND YOU COULD
BASICALLY EFFECTIVELY

BE SQUEEZED TO DEATH.

narrator: SOMETIMES
A BIG PILE OF CASH

DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.

IT LEAVES YOU...DEAD.

YOU WON'T WANNA MISS THIS.

A JILTED LOVER GOES ON A ROLL...

UP NEXT.

narrator: WEDDINGS
ARE NORMALLY HAPPY AFFAIRS.

EXCEPT WHEN
ONE OF THE GUESTS IS

THE BITTER EX-LOVER
OF THE BLUSHING BRIDE.

SAY HELLO TO MURPH.

HE'S NOT JUST BITTER,

HE'S INSANELY
ANGRY AND JEALOUS.

THE ONLY REASON HE CAME
IS TO GET HIS REVENGE

ON THE WOMAN HE ONCE
HOPED WOULD BE HIS WIFE.

BEING THE CREEP THAT HE WAS,

MURPH HAD COOKED UP
A PRETTY NASTY PAYBACK SCHEME.

- HEY, BUDDY.

GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS TO SLIP SOME
OF THIS IN THE BRIDE'S DRINK.

- 20 BUCKS?
NO WAY.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE.

100 BUCKS.

- DONE.

- LAXATIVES DECREASE THE WATER
WITHIN THE BLOODSTREAM.

WATER GOES FROM YOUR BLOOD
TO THE COLON INSTEAD.

THE HIGH CONCENTRATION
OF LAXATIVE

IS GOING TO HAVE A VERY
ACUTE AND DRAMATIC EFFECT.

- MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

narrator:
THE PLAN WAS WORKING.

- HERE'S TO YOU, BITCH.

narrator: MURPH GULPED
DOWN HIS OWN GLASS OF BUBBLY,

AND STEPPED UP TO DELIVER
A BOWEL-BURSTING TOAST.

[tapping]
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

[utensil clatters]

A MOMENT FOR THE LOVELY AMY.

narrator:
HE STRETCHED IT OUT.

TRYING TO EAT UP AS MUCH
OF THE CLOCK AS POSSIBLE.

- WE SPENT A LOT
OF TIME TOGETHER.

A LOT OF TIME...

NOW SHE'S WITH YOU.

THIS YOUNG,
WELL-ENDOWED STUD--

narrator:
BY THE TIME HE WAS DONE,

HER VIRGINAL WHITE GOWN
WOULD LOOK LIKE

A ROLL OF USED TOILET PAPER.

- I SPENT
A LOT OF MONEY ON HER.

narrator: BUT LIKE EVERYTHING
ELSE IN THIS LOSER'S LIFE,

IT DIDN'T TURN OUT
LIKE HE EXPECTED.

- I JUST WANNA WISH YOU BOTH
THE BEST OF LUCK.

[cheers]

[roiling noise]
- OH!

[indigestive noises]

OOH!

OH, OH, OH!

OH, OH, OH, OH!

narrator: THE WAITER
HAD A PANG OF CONSCIENCE

AND GAVE MURPH
THE SPIKED DRINK.

- GUYS, COME ON,
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

narrator: DESPERATE,

HE UNLOADED IN
THE ONLY CAN HE COULD FIND.

- AH!
AH.

[exhales contentedly]

[chuckles]

narrator: IN A CLASSIC
CASE OF BAD TO WORSE,

MURPH FOUND HIMSELF
STUCK IN HIS DUMPSTER.

- AH!

AH.

- IF YOU HAVE SOMEBODY THAT'S
STUFFED INTO A GARBAGE CAN--

IT'S NOT A NATURAL POSITION,
OBVIOUSLY--

SO AS THEY'RE ROLLING,
YOU ARE GONNA HAVE

PROBABLY SPINAL INJURIES,
FOR ONE THING.

AND THEY'RE GONNA BE HITTING
THEIR HEAD REPEATEDLY.

SO IT'S GONNA HAVE
AN EFFECT OF

BOUNCING THE BRAIN
AROUND INSIDE THE SKULL.

THIS CREATES A SWELLING AND
INTERNAL BLEEDING IN THE BRAIN.

- AH!

[scream]

[crow cawing]

narrator: MURPH'S PLAN OF
REVENGE BACKFIRED.

INSTEAD OF HUMILIATING
HIS EX-LOVER,

HE GOT DISEMBOWELED...
- AH!

narrator: WENT ON A ROLL,

WOUND UP COVERED IN
HIS OWN FILTH,

AND FINALLY DEAD.

BOTTOMS UP, MURPH.

- * IT'S ORIGINAL