1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 3 - Up with Death - full transcript

Seven tales of sexual mishap & general bone-headdery are re-enacted in this episode. We see crushed heads, skewered eyeballs, necrophilia, zoophilia, and the classic hockey-skate-to-the-jugular maneuver.

- WHOO!

OKAY, EASY RIDERS,

TIME TO THIN THE HERD.

GOING DOWN
IS A NECROMANCER

WHO GETS COFFINATED,

A HOCKEY PLAYER
WHO GETS ICED...

- YEAH!

THEN
SOME CACTUS FREAKS

WHO GET NEEDLED,

AND A STICKUP GUY
GETS SHOT DOWN.

A BIKER GETS BUMPED.



AND RACCOON-LOVER
GETS STUMPED.

IT'S JUST NATURE'S WAY

OF SAYING THE NEXT EPISODE
OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE

IS UPON US.

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US
TRY TO AVOID IT.

OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS,

TOXINS,

INJURY,

ILLNESS,

AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE
AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.



BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE...

CHELSEA WAS WORKING LATE
AT THE URGENT CARE CENTER.

SHE OFTEN BURNED
THE MIDNIGHT OIL

SORTING THROUGH FILES

AND PREPPING
FOR THE NEXT DAY'S PATIENTS.

THIS WAS HER FAVORITE TIME.

JUST HER AND THE CALM QUIET
OF THE EMPTY CLINIC.

BUT TONIGHT,
SHE WASN'T ALONE.

- HELLO?
SOMEONE THERE?

HELLO?

HEY! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

- STOP! RIGHT THERE!
STOP!

SHUT UP!

A DESPERATE
DRUG ADDICT WITH A GUN.

TOUGH SITUATION.

BUT CHELSEA
WAS AN EX-ARMY NURSE.

SHE'D BEEN
IN THE LINE OF FIRE.

- I NEED THE DRUG!
WHERE'S THE DRUGS?

- THERE RIGHT HERE.

- OPEN IT!
GET THE KEY!

- IF IT'S A DRUG DEPENDENCE
THAT HE'S DEVELOPED,

PHYSIOLOGICAL DEPENDENCE
ON THE MEDICATION,

HE ACTUALLY NEEDS TO HAVE

REGULAR INFUSIONS
OF THE SUBSTANCE

TO MAINTAIN
THAT EQUILIBRIUM.

- WHAT DO YOU NEED?

- I JUST NEED SOMETHIN'
TO CALM DOWN!

- YOU CAN EVEN SAY
THE PERSON IS INCAPABLE

OF RATIONAL
DECISION-MAKING PROCESS,

BECAUSE THEY'RE
ENTIRELY FOCUSED

ON WHERE IS THEIR NEXT HIT
GOING TO COME FROM?

THE BALLSY NURSE

WAS MORE THAN HAPPY
TO LOAD HIM UP ON PAINKILLERS,

HOPING TO KNOCK HIM OUT.

- LET'S SIT YOU DOWN,
OKAY?

ONCE THE FIRST RUSH
OF NARCOTICS HIT HIM,

HE TURNED HIS ATTENTION
TO NURSE CHELSEA.

- PUT IT DOWN!

- YOU GOT WHAT I WANT.

- JUST RELAX.

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

JUST PUT THE GUN DOWN.
- I WANT YOU.

THE DOPE
WAS MAKING HIM DOPY.

- JUST BACK UP.

CHELSEA JUST NEEDED
A LITTLE MORE TIME

BEFORE HE DROPPED.

- THIS WHAT YOU WANT?

YEAH?

- ALL THE WAY.

- YEAH, OKAY.

CHELSEA'S
COMBAT TRAINING KICKED IN.

SHE KNEW THE M.R.I. MACHINE

HAD AN ELECTROMAGNETIC FORCE
FIVE TIMES GREATER

THAN A JUNKYARD
SCRAP METAL MAGNET.

- MY LEGS?

IT COULD POP
THE BUTTONS

RIGHT OFF
THE JUNKIE'S JEANS.

SHE HIT THE "ON" BUTTON.

BUT THEN SOMETHING
HAPPENED

THAT SURPRISED
EVEN CHELSEA.

TURNS OUT
OUR DRUG ADDICT

WAS DAMAGED GOODS.

HE HAD A STEEL PLATE
IN HIS HEAD.

TOO DOPED UP TO RESIST,

THE M.R.I. DREW HIM
INTO ITS MAGNETIC FIELDS

AND HE WENT FROM BAD GUY...

TO DEAD GUY.

- HEAD SLAMMING
ONTO THE MACHINE

COULD BASICALLY BE LIKE SOMEONE
HITTING YOUR HEAD WITH A BAT.

IT MAY CAUSE BOTH INJURY
FROM THE BRAIN

HITTING THAT METAL M.R.I.,

AND THEN INJURY FROM THE BRAIN
SLOSHING BACK

AND HITTING THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE SKULL,

CAUSING BRAIN SWELLING
OR BLEEDING

AND LEADING TO BRAIN DEATH
EVENTUALLY.

THIS COULD HAVE HAD
A MUCH DIFFERENT ENDING,

BUT CHELSEA WAS COOL
AS A CUCUMBER...

WITH A HOT JALAPENO BODY.

- RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT HERE.

- YEAH, YEAH.
- WE ALMOST GOT IT.

SOME PEOPLE
COLLECT COINS.

OTHERS, STAMPS.

THESE TWO LONERS HAVE TAKEN
THEIR EMPTY LIVES

AND FILLED THEM UP WITH...
CACTUS.

IS IT OKAY?

TODAY, THEY'RE CELEBRATING.

- YES!
- BEAUTIFUL!

THEY JUST RETURNED
FROM A TRIP

TO THE ARIZONA DESERT,
WHERE THEY HAD STOLEN

A VALUABLE
SIX-FOOT SAGUARO.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE FINALLY GOT IT!

TO HONOR
THE OCCASION, THEY HAMMERED DOWN

A MIND-ALTERING BREW
OF MESCAL, A DISTILLED SPIRIT,

AND PEYOTE BUTTONS,
A POWERFUL HALLUCINOGEN.

BOTH COME
FROM THE CACTUS FAMILY.

SAGUARO!

SAGUARO!

- WHOO-HOO!

WITH THEIR MINDS
SCRAMBLED,

THEY WERE LIKE
TWO BABES IN THE WOODS--

VERY SPINY WOODS.

- THESE THINGS
ARE SHARP!

IN ARIZONA,

SAGUARO ARE
A PROTECTED PLANT SPECIES.

- AW, SO GOOD!

IN THEIR TRIPPED-OUT MINDS,

THEY EXPERIENCE
A RARE PHENOMENON,

A SHARED HALLUCINATION.

THE SPRIT OF THE SAGUARO

BEGINS TO SPEAK OUT
TO THEM.

YOU HAVE DONE WRONG!

- SOUNDS TRIPPY.

- YOU WILL PAY
FOR YOUR SINS.

THIS WAS TOO MUCH
FOR THE FREAKS.

THEY WENT FROM TRIPPING OUT

TO FLIPPING OUT.

- YOU HAVE DISTURBED
THE CACTUS UNIVERSE!

- NO, IT'S NOT US!

- YOU WILL DIE!

- DIE!

THE GUILT-RIDDEN
SPINAL TAPPERS LIT OUT,

RUNNING AS FAST
AS THEY COULD

FROM THE VOICE
IN THEIR HEADS.

- DIE!

BLINDED BY FEAR,

EACH TURNED A CORNER
AND CAME FACE TO FACE

WITH INSTANT CACTUS KARMA.

- DIE!

THE FIRST WOUND UP
RUN THROUGH

BY AN AGAVE PLANT.

- THESE NEEDLES CAN PIERCE
INTO THE HEART ITSELF.

THE HEART STOPS,
AND CIRCULATION STOPS,

AND THE MAN DIES FROM WHAT WE
CALL CARDIAC TAMPONADE.

THE OTHER MET
A SIMILARLY GRUESOME FATE,

PIERCED 100 TIMES OVER

BY THE RAZOR SHARP NEEDLES
OF A SMALL SAGUARO.

- THE NEEDLES ACTUALLY
PIERCED HIS EYEBALLS.

IF THE NEEDLES
ARE LONG ENOUGH,

THE NEEDLES COULD HAVE
GONE THROUGH

AND HIT HIS BRAIN.

IS THERE A POINT
TO THIS STORY?

DON'T DISTURB
THE CACTUS UNIVERSE.

COMING UP...

A BIKER CHICK HITS THE ROAD.

AND IF THE VAN'S ROCKIN',

DON'T COME KNOCKIN'.
- AAH!

UNLESS YOU'RE DEAD.

IT WAS THE END
OF ANOTHER LONG DAY FOR TERRI,

A WARDROBE ASSISTANT
ON A FILM SET.

LIKE ANYONE ELSE,
SHE NEEDED TO UNWIND.

UNLIKE ANYONE ELSE...
- HEY, BABY.

WAS THE WAY
SHE WENT ABOUT IT.

- HOW ARE YOU?
ABSOLUTELY.

TERRI LIKED
TO UNWIND BY GETTING OFF.

BUT FOR HER TO GET OFF,

FIRST SHE HAD TO GET ON...

HER BOYFRIEND
JESSE'S MOTORCYCLE.

- WHOO!

THIS HIGHLY SEXUAL,
GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN

COULD ONLY ACHIEVE ORGASM

WHILE STRADDLING
A SPEEDING CROTCH ROCKET.

- WHOO!

IT WAS
LIKE A 400-POUND,

200-HORSEPOWER VIBRATOR.

- FEMALES WANT TO BE TEASED,

AND THEY REALLY ENJOY
THE LEAD-UP.

AND A LOT OF GUYS
KIND OF FORGET

THAT THE LEAD-UP
IS IMPORTANT,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT TO SEE
YOUR GIRL ORGASM.

LEAD HER UP TO IT.

JESSE WAS COOL.

WHEN THEY GOT HOME,

HE KNEW TERRI WOULD TAKE CARE
OF HIS NEEDS.

SO WHAT IF SHE POPPED
HER WEASEL ALONG THE WAY?

EVERY SHUDDER
FROM THE THROBBING ENGINE

TRAVELED
THROUGH THE BIKE'S FRAME

AND INTO TERRI'S FRAME.

SHE WAS STARTING
TO GET GOOEY.

- YOU GET SO LOST
IN THE MOMENT,

YOU MIGHT FORGET
THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY

ON A MOTORCYCLE DRIVING

AND THAT YOU NEED
TO HOLD ONTO YOUR GUY.

TERRI THREW HE HEAD BACK

AND SURRENDERED.

THE BIG "O" WAS UPON HER.

- WHEN THE BODY REACHES
AN ORGASM,

YOU CAN START JERKING
YOUR HANDS

OR JERKING YOUR LEGS,
FOR EXAMPLE,

OR STARTING TO MOVE
SPASMODICALLY.

AND THIS LOSS OF CONTROL

COULD BECOME
CRITICALLY DANGEROUS,

CATASTROPHICALLY
WHEN YOU'RE PRECARIOUSLY PERCHED

UPON A MOTORCYCLE.

IN THE HEAT
OF THE MOMENT,

TERRI'S
SEISMIC CONTRACTIONS

KNOCKED HER RIGHT OFF
HER SEX MACHINE.

- IT TRULY IS LIKE THE BODY
IS GETTING SQUASHED

AGAINST A HARD OBJECT,

BREAK BONES, WHICH CAN
THEN RIP INTO THE VITAL ORGANS,

THE DELICATE ORGANS
OF THE BODY.

YOU CAN HAVE
CATASTROPHIC BLEEDING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THE HEART SHUTS DOWN

AND YOU DIE A QUICK,
BUT PAINFUL DEATH.

- WHOO!

TERRI JUST WANTED
TO UNWIND...

BUT IN THE END...

SHE CAME UNDONE.

THERE WAS SOMETHING
NOT RIGHT ABOUT MASON.

YOU COULD TELL
JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM.

HE NEVER EVEN HAD
A STEADY JOB,

UNTIL THIS ONE...

- HOW YOU DOIN'
BACK THERE, BABY?

WORKING
FOR THE COUNTY MORGUE

DELIVERING DEAD BODIES
TO FUNERAL HOMES

AND CEMETERIES.

- BABY, YOU WERE
SO GOOD LAST NIGHT.

IT'S A SHAME I GOTTA
PUT YOU IN THE GROUND.

HE LOVED HIS JOB.

THE PROBLEM WAS,
HE LOVED THE BODIES EVEN MORE,

ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN.

BEFORE HE WOULD
DRIVE THEM...

HE WOULD...DRIVE THEM.

- PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEX
WITH DEAD PEOPLE

ARE IN THE ULTIMATE
POWER POSITION,

'CAUSE THERE'S NO FEEDBACK
WHATSOEVER.

THEY WANT SOMEONE WHO'S
GONNA BE COMPLETELY COMPLIANT

AND NOT REJECT THEM.

AFTER STUFFING
THE STIFF WITH HIS STIFFY,

THINGS GOT A LITTLE IFFY.

LATE FOR THE FUNERAL,

MASON TRIES A SHORTCUT
THROUGH A PARKING LOT.

MASON HAD FORGOTTEN

TO LOCK THE WHEELS
OF THE CART.

WHEN THE VAN STOPPED,

THE COFFIN DIDN'T.

- THE ACTION OF THE COFFIN
RAMMING INTO THE HEAD

AND FORCING THE HEAD
AND NECK FORWARD,

THAT KIND OF HIGH VELOCITY
SEVERS THE BRAINSTEM.

THE ACTUAL IMPACT ITSELF

IS GONNA CAUSE AN IMMEDIATE
LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

MASON WOUND UP BECOMING

THE THING HE CRAVED MOST,

A COLD AND LIFELESS CORPSE.

GO TO HELL,
YOU FREAK.

UP NEXT...

SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE
SUPPORTS NEW THEORY--

SOME PEOPLE ARE STUPID.

AND A HOCKEY GAME
TURNS INTO A BLOODBATH.

GOMER
WAS A LOWLIFE STICKUP MAN,

BUT THE STICK,
ALONG WITH HIS HEAD,

WAS UP SOMEWHERE ELSE.

HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY BRAINS,
BUT HE DID HAVE A GUN,

AND THAT MADE GOMER
DANGEROUS...

TO HIMSELF.

TODAY WAS A SPECIAL DAY
FOR GOMER.

HE JUST GOT OFF PAROLE

FOR HIS LAST FAILED
STICKUP ATTEMPT.

IT WAS TIME TO GIVE IT
ANOTHER SHOT.

HIS TARGET,
A JEWELRY STORE.

HE THREW A RIDICULOUS-LOOKING
FISHNET STOCKING

OVER HIS HEAD...

DREW HIS GUN...

AND PROMPTLY WALKED
INTO THE WRONG STORE.

- THIS IS A STICKUP!

VERY WRONG.

INSTEAD OF A JEWELRY STORE,

GOMER FOUND HIMSELF
HOLDING A GUN

ON A GUN SHOP.

- MOST GUYS IN GUN STORES,

BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID
OF BEING ROBBED,

THEY'RE GONNA BE ARMED--
ALL LEGAL.

WHEN THIS GUY WALKED IN,

HE WALKED INTO THE WORST
POSSIBLE SITUATION HE COULD.

IT'S NOT SURPRISING
HE GOT A HAIL OF BULLETS

FROM THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE ROOM.

HE TOOK
SEVEN SHOTS IN ALL,

BUT IT ONLY TOOK ONE
TO KILL HIM.

- KILL SHOT HAS TO BE
THE RIGHT BULLET

WITH THE RIGHT VELOCITY

IN THE MOST APPROPRIATE
LOCATION.

THROUGH THE HEART
IS PROBABLY THE MOST DEVASTATING

SUDDEN KILL SHOT,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE
A SUDDEN DROP

IN CARDIAC OUTPUT.

YOU HAVE NO CIRCULATION,

AND LITERALLY
WITHIN SECONDS,

THE PERSON IS GONE.

GOMER'S LAST STICKUP

WAS HIS LAST ACT
ON EARTH...

BUT HIS FAME LIVES ON.

ON THE INTERNET,
THE GUN SHOP SECURITY CAM VIDEO

HAS TWO MILLION HITS
AND COUNTING.

"I WENT TO A FIGHT
AND A HOCKEY GAME BROKE OUT."

IT'S AN OLD JOKE

WITH A LOT OF TRUTH IN IT.

MARIO ONCE HAD DREAMS
OF TURNING PRO,

BUT NOW HE WAS JUST ANOTHER
30-SOMETHING WEEKEND WARRIOR

PLAYING CITY LEAGUE HOCKEY.

BUT THAT DIDN'T KEEP HIM
FROM PUTTING THE HURT ON

AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.

- GOTTA BE MEAN.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

IT'S A GAME OF TOUGHNESS,
IT REALLY IS.

PEOPLE LOVE THAT
ABOUT HOCKEY.

95% OF THE GAME IS WON
THROUGH TOUGHNESS

AND BEING ROUGH AND
NOT BEING AFRAID AT ALL.

EVEN IN PRACTICE,

MARIO COULDN'T RESIST
DROPPING THE HAMMER

ON HIS OWN TEAMMATES.

- DUDE, SAME TEAM, MAN!
SAME TEAM!

MAYBE HE WAS
BITTER ABOUT NEVER MAKING IT.

MAYBE IT WAS
JUST PART OF HIS GAME.

OR MAYBE,
LIKE MOST THOUGHT,

MARIO WAS JUST A MEAN
AND NASTY SON OF A BITCH.

WHATEVER IT WAS,

EVERYONE HAD GROWN TIRED
OF HIS CHEAP SHOTS.

- YOU'RE A HACK, BUDDY!

SO WHEN ANOTHER FLYING ELBOW

WOUND UP
IN A TEAMMATE'S FACE...

- COME ON, MAN!
WANT TO GO?

THE GLOVES CAME OFF.

- YOU CANNOT BACK DOWN.

THE SCARIEST GUY IS
NOT THE BIGGEST, TOUGHEST GUY.

THE SCARIEST GUY
IS THE GUY WHO'S WILLING

TO LITERALLY DIE
DURING THIS FIGHT.

HOCKEY FIGHTS
ARE USUALLY HARMLESS,

BUT THIS TIME,
MARIO WASN'T SO LUCKY.

HIS TEAMMATE WENT DOWN,
HIS SKATE CAME UP,

AND THE SHARP EDGE
OF THE BLADE

SLICED RIGHT THROUGH
MARIO'S CAROTID ARTERY.

- HOCKEY BLADES
ARE VERY DANGEROUS WEAPONS

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

IF ONE
OF THESE HOCKEY BLADES

SLICES THROUGH
HIS CAROTID ARTERY,

JUGULAR VEIN, DEATH IS
MOST LIKELY INSTANTANEOUS,

WITHIN MINUTES.

- ALL OF US LIKE TO SEE

A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD
DURING HOCKEY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALMOST
LIKE YOU'RE A GLADIATOR

BACK IN ROME.

YOU KNOW,
PEOPLE LOVE IT.

MARIO
NEVER MADE IT TO THE PROS...

BUT IN THE END,

HE SURE LEFT HIS MARK.

YOU WON'T
WANT TO MISS THIS.

A SOLDIER GETS SCREWED UP...

AND CHEWED OUT,
COMING UP.

SINCE 1986,

A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
MELTDOWN

HAS MADE CHERNOBYL, RUSSIA,

THE NUMBER ONE HOT SPOT
IN THE WORLD,

AS IN RADIATION.

- THE CHERNOBYL ACCIDENT
PROBABLY RELEASED

ABOUT 400 TIMES
MORE RADIATION

THAN WHAT HAPPENED, SAY,
IN HIROSHIMA.

40 TONS OF NUCLEAR MATERIAL
IN THE REACTOR

IS SPEWED OUT,

AND THE IMMEDIATE AREA

BECOMES CONTAMINATED
WITH RADIO ISOTOPES.

THE ONLY PEOPLE
TO BE FOUND THERE ARE SOLDIERS,

AND THE ONLY SOLDIERS
STATIONED THERE

ARE TOTAL SCREW-UPS.

VLADIMIR, MIKHAIL, AND SONIA

ARE THE RUSSIAN VERSION
OF F TROOP...

AS IN F'D UP.

THINGS WERE GETTING
HOTTER IN THE HOT ZONE.

SONIA WAS LIQUORED UP

AND READY FOR ACTION.
- OOH!

BUT NOT WITH MIKHAIL.

IT WAS
SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.

IF MIKHAIL
COULDN'T HAVE SONIA,

HE'D HAVE TO FIT IT
INTO SOMETHING ELSE.

SO WHEN HE SPIED
A LONELY RACCOON

ON THE EDGE
OF THE FOREST,

IT WAS GAME ON.

- A MAN WHO MIGHT CONSIDER
BESTIALITY

WOULD POSSIBLY ALREADY HAVE
THOSE KINDS OF FANTASIES

IN A SOBER STATE OF MIND,

BUT NOW,
ON TOP OF THAT,

BEING INTOXICATED,

HE'S MORE LIKELY TO HAVE
LESS IMPULSE CONTROL

AND TO ACT UPON
THOSE URGES AND DESIRES.

THE DRUNKEN SOLDIER

RAN OFF
WITH HIS COON-TANG.

BUT THINGS
WERE ABOUT TO GET ROCKY

FOR THESE TWO LOVERS.

- RACCOONS ARE
VERY AGGRESSIVE ANIMALS.

THEY ARE TERRITORIAL.

THEY HAVE
40 VERY SHARP TEETH

THAT THEY'RE GONNA USE
TO PROTECT THEMSELF,

AND THEY ARE COMMONLY KNOWN
TO BITE.

AND BITE IT DID.

IN ONE VICIOUS CHOMP,

THE PRIVATE'S PARTS

WOUND UP IN THE MOUTH
OF THE RACCOON,

AND MIKHAIL'S BLOOD
WENT "RUSSIAN"

RIGHT OUT OF HIS BODY.

- IT'S NOT JUST THE BLOOD LOSS
THAT KILLS YOU,

BUT THE OTHER ASPECTS
OF THAT TRAUMA.

ARRHYTHMIAS, BLOOD ACCUMULATING
AROUND THE HEART

AND SQUEEZING THE HEART,

SO THERE ARE A NUMBER
OF DIFFERENT FACTORS

THAT RESULT IN DEATH.

PRIVATE MIKHAIL
LEARNED THE HARD WAY.

IT'S NOT NICE
TO SCREW MOTHER NATURE.

SHE JUST MIGHT BITE BACK.

IT'S ORIGINAL!