1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 2 - Death Bites! - full transcript
male announcer:
WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU
THAT THE FOLLOWING
HAVE PASSED ON...
- I'M STUCK!
announcer:
AN OLD LETCH...
A LOVER BOY...
- WHOO!
- AAH!
announcer:
A VIOLINIST...
A VERMINATOR...
- AAH!
announcer:
A COUPLE OF DIRT BAGS...
A TRAVELING SALESMAN...
- OH!
announcer:
AND THE GAS MAN.
SERVICES WILL BEGIN NOW
ON THE NEXT EPISODE
OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
announcer:
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS...
TOXINS...
INJURY...
ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...
WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
*
RAY ROBERTS
IS A TRAVELING SALESMAN.
HE GOES DOOR-TO-DOOR
HAWKING WEIGHT LOSS PRODUCTS.
HE DIDN'T MAKE MUCH MONEY,
AND THE TRAVELING WAS A GRIND,
BUT RAY LOVED HIS JOB
BECAUSE IT ALLOWED HIM
TO LIVE LIFE LARGE...
AS IN WOMEN.
- HI.
announcer: THE DAY
BIG BESS OPENED THE DOOR,
RAY KNEW HE HAD HIT
THE MOTHER LODE...
400 POUNDS OF IT.
- I HAVE HAD SEX
WITH REGULAR-SIZED WOMEN,
AND NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.
LIKE IT JUST
WASN'T DOING IT FOR ME.
SO AFTER THAT, I'D HAVE TO
FIND A LARGER WOMAN
TO "GET MY ROCKS OFF"
BECAUSE THIS IS MY IDEA
OF BEAUTY NOW.
- WHAT I HAVE HERE
IS A FANTASTIC PRODUCT.
BUT YOU ALREADY LOOK
FANTASTIC.
- [giggles]
YOU DON'T THINK MY BUTT'S...
TOO BIG?
announcer: A FEW DRINKS...
[clink]
A LITTLE SWEET TALK...
- I LOVE THEM BIG.
- [giggles]
announcer: AND RAY WAS
ON HIS WAY UP TO HOG HEAVEN.
- MM...MM.
announcer: BIG BESS
LIKED TO GET THINGS GOING
WITH A LITTLE ORAL STIMULATION.
- LET'S START WITH
DONUTS.
- MM. AND THEN WE'LL
GO NUTS.
- [giggles]
[both grunting, moaning]
announcer: BESS HAD EVERYTHING
RAY WAS LOOKING FOR.
SHE WAS LARGE...
AND IN CHARGE.
- YOU LIKE IT, DON'T YOU?
- I LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
announcer:
WAVE AFTER WAVE OF FLESH
PUMMELED THE PUNY SALESMAN
SENSELESS.
[grunting]
- AHH!
[moaning]
announcer: FINALLY,
LIKE A HARPOONED WHALE,
BIG BESS SPOUTED
IN ORGASMIC ECSTASY...
AND LOST CONSCIOUSNESS.
THE EXERTION
WAS JUST TOO MUCH.
RAY WAS ENGULFED IN A MOUNTAIN
OF BIG BESS BLUBBER.
THERE WAS NO ESCAPE.
LOST IN THE FOLDS
OF HER ROLLING FAT,
HIS FACE TRAPPED BETWEEN
HER SWEATY BREASTS,
RAY GASPED FOR AIR
THAT JUST WASN'T THERE.
- WHEN WE OBSTRUCT AN AIRWAY,
WE'RE SO-CALLED
"CHOKED TO DEATH".
WHEN WE ARE ASPHYXIATED,
WE CAN'T BREATHE IN
BECAUSE WE ARE
COMPRESSED TO DEATH.
HE ATTEMPTS TO INHALE
BUT CAN'T
BECAUSE THE FACE IS ACTUALLY
COVERED BY THIS
VOLUME OF TISSUE.
AND THEN YOU ADD PANIC.
PANIC, COMPRESSION,
AND THE INABILITY TO INHALE.
[snaps] INSTANT.
INSTANT CATASTROPHE.
- OH, CRAP.
[sighs]
announcer: WHEN IT CAME
TO CHUBBY CHASING,
RAY WAS A BIG GAME HUNTER.
THIS TIME...
THE HUNTER BECAME THE PREY.
GAME OVER...RAY.
- GET IT UP.
COME ON, COME ON.
announcer:
THESE TWO AREN'T TRAINING
FOR AN UPCOMING SPORTING EVENT
OR A BODY BUILDING CONTEST.
THEY'VE GOT THEIR EYES
ON A DIFFERENT PRIZE...
THEIR FRAT HOUSE'S
ANNUAL FART COMPETITION.
- TIGHTEN YOUR SPHINCTER, BOY!
- AAH!
- FOR ME IT'S GENERALLY JUST
FILL UP THE GAS TANK
AND JUST...
JUST CLENCH
FOR MY OPPORTUNITY.
AND WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY'S
THERE,
JUST LET IT GO.
AND, YOU KNOW,
GENERALLY IT'S A GOOD
PFFFFFFTTTTT.
- AAH!
announcer:
ARNOLD LOST OUT LAST YEAR
TO AN EXCHANGE STUDENT
FROM JAPAN.
- YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?
- THE ENEMY!
- THAT'S RIGHT!
- AAH!
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON!
announcer: THIS YEAR,
ARNOLD WAS MAKING SURE
HE COULD FIRE
ON ALL CYLINDERS.
THAT'S WHY HE HIRED
MAX BEERS.
- COME ON!
announcer: NOBODY KNEW MORE
ABOUT FLATULENCE
THAN THE GAS MASTER.
- DINNER'S SERVED.
- AH!
- HIT THOSE BEANS, BOY.
GET 'EM IN THERE.
announcer: MAX WAS FAMOUS
FOR HIS UNORTHODOX
TRAINING TECHNIQUES.
THERE WERE SPHINCTER
CONTROL EXERCISES
LIKE THE DOGGIE RUB BURN.
- THERE BETTER NOT BE
A SINGLE MARK ON THOSE DRAWERS.
GET IN HERE, COME ON!
GET THIS BALL UP THERE, BOY.
announcer: TENNIS BUTT BALL.
- COME ON, GIVE ME 50 REPS.
announcer: AND FINALLY...
- IT'S TIME FOR THE COMPACTOR.
- COMPACTOR!
announcer: AN EMPTY BEER CAN
HAD NO CHANCE
AGAINST ARNOLD'S
VICE GRIP BUTT CHEEKS.
- IT'S IN THERE!
- CRUSH IT!
- AAH! [metal crunching]
announcer: A FART IS BORN
IN THE INTESTINES
WHERE FOOD GETS BROKEN DOWN
AND ABSORBED
INTO THE BLOODSTREAM.
HARDER-TO-DIGEST FOODS
LEAVE BEHIND GAS,
WHICH IS FORCED OUT OF THE BODY
BY POWERFUL SPHINCTER MUSCLES.
THE MAIN GASES FOUND IN A FART
ARE OXYGEN,
NITROGEN, CARBON DIOXIDE,
AND METHANE,
WHICH IS COMBUSTIBLE.
- ALL RIGHT, BOY.
TIME FOR A TEST BURN.
ASSUME THE POSITION.
ARE YOU READY?
- YES, SIR!
- ALL RIGHT, BOY,
HERE IT COMES!
NOW, THREE, TWO, ONE!
LET HER RIP!
- AAH!
- AAH!
- COACH!
COACH, YOU'RE ON FIRE!
YOU OKAY? COACH!
AAH!
AAH!
COACH, COACH!
- METHANE GAS CAN IGNITE
VERY QUICKLY
AND ALSO ENCOMPASSES
A GREATER RADIUS
BECAUSE IT HAS A HIGHER
VAPOR PRESSURE.
AND, UH, THEREFORE
CAN BE POTENTIALLY RISKY
OR DANGEROUS,
MORE SO THAN OTHER GASES.
- OH, MY GOD,
MY FART KILLED YOU!
announcer:
UP NEXT, A SEXY VIOLINIST
TURNS INTO A REAL
HEAD-BANGER,
AND...A BAD GUY
HAS A BAD DAY
AND A REALLY BAD NIGHT.
- AAH!
[playing classical music]
announcer:
MAY WAS AN UP-AND-COMER
ON THE CLASSICAL
MUSIC CIRCUIT.
IT DIDN'T HURT THAT SHE HAD...
PERFECT PITCH.
HER LOOKS, FLAWLESS TECHNIQUE,
AND WORK ETHIC
WERE A WINNING COMBINATION.
- TO MAKE IT
IN CLASSICAL MUSIC,
YOU DON'T ONLY WORK ON
THE TECHNIQUE.
YOU ALSO HAVE TO HAVE EMOTION
AND ARTISTRY
IN THE CORRECT STYLE
THAT YOU ARE PERFORMING IN.
announcer:
MAY WAS NO DUMMY.
SHE KNEW SHE GOT AS MANY JOBS
FOR HER TIGHT, HOT BODY
AS FOR HER BODY OF WORK.
BUT IN HER MIND,
HER GREATEST
ANATOMICAL TREASURES
WERE HER HANDS.
- STUDYING ALL YOUR LIFE
FOR THE VIOLIN,
IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO THEM,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW,
YOUR HANDS ARE YOUR LIFE.
announcer: EVERY DAY,
MAY WOULD GO OUT OF HER WAY
TO BABY HER PRECIOUS
MONEYMAKERS.
SHE EVEN TOOK OUT
AN INSURANCE POLICY
SHOULD ANYTHING HAPPEN
TO THEM.
BUT MAY DID HAVE
ONE MAJOR FLAW,
ONE SOUR NOTE IN HER SYMPHONY
OF BEAUTY AND TALENT...
SHE WAS A TOTAL KLUTZ.
INSTINCTIVELY, THE VIOLINIST
AVOIDED USING HER HANDS
TO BREAK HER FALL...
AND BROKE HER HEAD INSTEAD.
[crack]
- IF SOMEONE'S EXPOSED
TO BLUNT TRAUMA,
TYPICALLY,
WHAT HAPPENS IS
THE BRAIN ITSELF
IS PUSHED AGAINST THE SKULL.
NOW, THE BRAIN BEING
A VERY SOFT TISSUE,
AND THE SKULL BEING
VERY HARD TISSUE,
IT DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF
SPACE TO COMPRESS,
SO WHEN IT'S PUSHED,
IT MAY CAUSE
IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE.
A PERSON CAN DIE FROM THAT.
announcer: MAY'S HANDS
WERE HER LIFELINE.
TOO BAD SHE WAS ALWAYS
ONE FOOT AWAY FROM DEATH.
- AAH!
[crack]
announcer:
MORT WAS ON THE RUN.
A TWO-TIME OFFENDER,
HIS LATEST FELONY,
ARMED ROBBERY,
WOULD PUT HIM AWAY FOR GOOD,
IF HE WAS CAPTURED.
- LET'S TAKE A BREAK, MAN.
- YEAH.
- I'M GETTING TOO OLD
FOR THIS STUFF.
announcer: WITH THE COPS
CATCHING THEIR BREATH,
MORT CAUGHT A BREAK--
A DRAINAGE PIPE.
WHAT BETTER PLACE
FOR A HUMAN RAT TO HIDE OUT IN?
- I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
I AIN'T GOING IN THERE.
- YEAH.
announcer: MORT WASN'T GOING
TO TAKE ANY CHANCES,
SO HE KEPT ON CRAWLING,
AND THE PIPE
KEPT GETTING SMALLER...
AND SMALLER UNTIL...
- HELP! HELP!
HELP ME!
I'M STUCK!
announcer:
IN A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME,
HE WENT FROM SURRENDERING...
- I DON'T CARE
IF I HAVE TO GO BACK TO JAIL!
I'LL GO BACK!
I JUST GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW!
announcer: TO APOLOGIZING...
- I'M SORRY.
announcer:
AND FINALLY CRYING.
- [crying]
announcer:
DAY TURNED TO NIGHT,
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN HIS LIFE,
MR. BIG AND SCARY WAS SCARED.
- [crying]
announcer:
MAKE THAT TERRIFIED.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS THAT?
[squeaking]
announcer: AND THEN SALVATION...
OR SO HE THOUGHT.
- IS ANYBODY THERE?
- [squeaking]
- AAH! AAH!
AAH!
AAH!
- YOU GOT TO SEE
HOW THE RAT SEES THIS.
THERE'S THIS THING
THAT'S BLOCKING THEIR ESCAPE.
THE BEST THING HE CAN DO
IS SHUT THE HELL UP,
BUT HE WON'T,
'CAUSE HE'S AFRAID.
SO THE RAT, WITH THEIR MASSIVE
INCISORS AND LITTLE CLAWS--
HE CAN GRAB ON
TO ANY PART OF YOUR FACE,
AND HE WILL BITE YOU.
- AAH!
announcer: THE RATS
WEREN'T SCARED OF MORT.
IN FACT, THEY LIKED HIM.
SO THEY ATE THEIR WAY
RIGHT THROUGH HIM.
- THE FIRST PATH
OF LEAST RESISTANCE
THEY WOULD COME TO
IS THE HUMAN SKIN,
WHICH IS VERY FRAGILE.
SECOND, THEY GET
INTO THE MUSCLE.
AND FINALLY,
THEY GET INTO THE HUMAN EYES
AND EVEN, IN FACT,
GOING THROUGH THE EYEBALL
TO GET INTO THE BRAIN.
THE PERSON WILL BE CONSCIOUS,
FEELING EVERY SINGLE,
LITTLE THING THAT'S HAPPENING.
UNFORTUNATELY,
THIS IS PROBABLY
ONE OF THE MOST GRUESOME DEATHS
SOMEBODY COULD EVEN IMAGINE.
announcer:
THEY SAY CRIME DOESN'T PAY.
BUT IT DID MAKE A NICE MEAL
FOR A PACK OF DIRTY RATS.
COMING UP,
A FRENCH MAID DUSTS OFF
AN OLD COOT.
AND A MOBSTER HIT
BLOWS UP IN THEIR FACE.
[monitor beeping]
announcer:
CLAUDE IS DYING.
THE ONLY THING KEEPING HIM ALIVE
IS A RESPIRATOR
AND HIS SEXY FRENCH MAID.
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
THE MACHINE
KEEPS HIS LUNGS INFLATED,
AND THE MAID--
SHE KEEPS HIS BLOOD FLOWING.
- THE FRENCH MAID'S THE ICON
OF A LADY CLEANING.
AND WHEN I DO
MY FRENCH-MAID SHOW,
I DO IT AS WASHING MYSELF,
'CAUSE I'M A DIRTY, OLD,
LITTLE FRENCH MAID.
[giggling]
[French accent]
THIS IS A DIRTY BEHIND.
I'M VERY CLEAN NOW.
MM. AH.
[laughing]
announcer:
NO REGRETS FOR THIS GUY.
CLAUDE HAS HAD EVERYTHING
A MAN COULD ASK FOR--
WEALTH, POWER, WOMEN.
HE'S READY TO MEET HIS MAKER,
BUT HE'S NOT GOING DOWN
WITHOUT A FIGHT.
TIME FOR THE AFTERNOON
STRIP SHOW.
LIFE FOR CLAUDE
WAS ONE LONG LAP DANCE.
HIS ONLY FEAR--
HEAVEN MIGHT BE BORING.
BACK ON EARTH, THE FRENCH MAID
DECIDES TO GIVE HER BOSS
AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
[whip cracks]
- OH.
announcer:
SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER
WAS DRIVING HER CANDY MAN
INTO THE DANGER ZONE.
- OH!
announcer: SLEIGH BELLS
WERE RINGING IN CLAUDE'S HEAD.
IT TURNS OUT IT WAS A WARNING
SIGNAL FROM THE RESPIRATOR.
[monitor beeping rapidly]
HIS HEART WAS BEATING FASTER
THAN THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY
ON CRYSTAL METH.
BUT BEFORE
HE WENT LIGHTS OUT...
[electricity crackles]
THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.
WHEN FRENCHY PLUGGED IN
THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,
IT WAS TOO MUCH
FOR CLAUDE'S HOUSE,
WHICH WAS EVEN OLDER
THAN HE WAS.
THE LIGHTS OVERLOADED
THE UNDERPOWERED 15-AMP FUSE...
AND THE RESPIRATOR WENT DEAD.
- WHEN THE RESPIRATOR
STOPPED WORKING,
THIS PATIENT
WAS NO LONGER GETTING OXYGEN.
- OH, MY GOD!
- IT'LL MAKE THE HEART
START BEATING FAST.
YES, IT CAN KEEP PUMPING,
BUT IT'S GONNA PUMP
STALE BLOOD.
SO IT BEATS FASTER,
THINKING THAT IT CAN COMPENSATE
FOR THIS LACK OF GOOD BLOOD.
AND AS A RESULT,
YOU GENERATE THE PERFECT STORM
TO CREATE
A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK.
announcer: CLAUDE WAS ALREADY
ROLLING DOWN DEATH'S HIGHWAY.
- AAH! AAH!
announcer: HE JUST TOOK...
AN EARLY EXIT.
ON THE ISLAND OF SICILY, ONE
OF THE SIGHTS YOU MIGHT CATCH,
IF YOU'RE LUCKY,
IS THE AGE-OLD TRADITION
OF WATCHING A MAN
DIG HIS OWN GRAVE.
MARIO BELUSI MADE THE MISTAKE
OF BORROWING MONEY
FROM THE MAFIA.
UNABLE TO KEEP UP
ON THE PAYMENTS,
HE'S BEEN FORCED
TO PAY THEM BACK
WITH THE ONLY THING
HE HAS LEFT--
HIS LIFE.
THE HIT MEN WANTED MARIO
TO PICK UP THE PACE.
THEY WALKED OVER
JUST AS HE UNEARTHED
A LEFTOVER FROM WORLD WAR II--
AN UNEXPLODED HAND GRENADE.
- YOUR TYPICAL MODERN
HAND GRENADE
IS GOING TO BE
A SHRAPNEL GRENADE.
ONCE THE BOMB IGNITES,
A LOT OF THE SHRAPNEL
WILL PROBABLY BE SUPER HOT.
SO WHEN IT GOES INTO THE
DIFFERENT PARTS OF THEIR BODY,
IT WILL BE BURNING.
AND IT'S DESIGNED TO KILL
ANYTHING WITHIN
ABOUT FIVE METERS.
announcer: THE MOB BOYS
HAD IT ALL WORKED OUT.
BUT THIS PLAN...
BLEW UP IN THEIR FACES.
AFTER THE BREAK,
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
MAKES LIFE HARD
FOR A CHEATING HUSBAND.
announcer: JANINE'S MARRIAGE WAS
AS DEAD AS HER HUSBAND'S PENIS.
- I'M NOT WEARING
ANY PANTIES TONIGHT.
- HUH.
announcer:
COLE'S ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
HAD TURNED HIM COLD,
BUT JANINE HAD A PLAN.
WITHOUT TELLING HIM,
SHE GROUND UP THREE E.D. PILLS
INTO HIS BEER.
THAT'S 300 MILLIGRAMS
OF BLOOD-RUSHING PENIS POPPERS.
THIS, JANINE THOUGHT,
WOULD FINALLY GET A RISE
OUT OF HER HUBBY.
- THE USE
OF ERECTILE-DYSFUNCTION DRUGS
IS INCREASING NITRIC OXIDE.
NITRIC OXIDE
IS ACTUALLY A COMPOUND
THAT'S RESPONSIBLE FOR DILATING
ALL VESSELS OF OUR BODY,
INCLUDING THE VESSELS
THAT LEAD TO OUR HEART.
- HONEY...
I WANT YOU TO DO ME
ON THE TABLE RIGHT NOW.
- [chuckles]
WAIT. WHAT?
[cell phone beeping]
UH, HOLD ON.
announcer: RIGHT THEN,
COLE RECEIVED A TEXT MESSAGE
FROM HIS MISTRESS.
BEFORE TAKING OFF,
COLE SLIPPED INTO THE BATHROOM
TO TAKE THREE
OF HIS OWN MAGIC LOVE PILLS.
LITTLE DID HE KNOW,
HIS GIRLFRIEND
WAS MAKING TRIPLE-SURE
HER LOVER BOY
WOULD BE UP FOR THE JOB.
SHE DROPPED THREE
OF HER OWN MAN-MAKERS
INTO A BEER.
- IF YOU'RE A MAN
AND YOU'RE UNABLE TO ACHIEVE
A QUALITY ERECTION,
THAT IS GOING TO DO SOMETHING
TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE WORRIED,
NEXT TIME YOU'RE
IN THE SITUATION,
IT'S JUST NOT
GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN.
- HEY, BABY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- DRINK THIS
BEFORE WE GET STARTED.
IT WILL HELP YOU RELAX.
announcer:
OKAY, BEFORE WE CONTINUE,
LET'S DO THE MATH.
HIS WIFE SLIPPED HIM
300 MILLIGRAMS.
[bell dings]
COLE HIMSELF TOOK 300 MORE.
[bell dings]
AND HIS SECRET LOVER
DOUSED HIM WITH ANOTHER 300.
[bell dings]
THAT'S NINE TIMES
THE RECOMMENDED DOSAGE.
THIS GUY WAS ABOUT TO PIN
THE LOVE METER.
- WOW.
[shouting wildly, laughing]
announcer: WITH HIS VEINS
AND ARTERIES FULLY DILATED,
BLOOD RUSHED
FROM COLE'S HEAD TO...
HIS OTHER HEAD.
HIS MISTRESS DIDN'T MIND.
AND COLE DIDN'T NOTICE
HIS VISION WAS FADING.
HIS OXYGEN-DEPLETED BRAIN
WAS SHUTTING DOWN.
HIS HEART WAS REDLINING.
NONE OF THAT MATTERED.
HE WAS ABOUT TO BLOW.
WITH ONE FINAL THRUST...
- AAH! AAAAH!
announcer: IN ONE GLORIOUS BURST
OF PASSION,
COLE HAD COME...
AND GONE.
- OH.
- IT'S ORIGINAL.
WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU
THAT THE FOLLOWING
HAVE PASSED ON...
- I'M STUCK!
announcer:
AN OLD LETCH...
A LOVER BOY...
- WHOO!
- AAH!
announcer:
A VIOLINIST...
A VERMINATOR...
- AAH!
announcer:
A COUPLE OF DIRT BAGS...
A TRAVELING SALESMAN...
- OH!
announcer:
AND THE GAS MAN.
SERVICES WILL BEGIN NOW
ON THE NEXT EPISODE
OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
announcer:
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS...
TOXINS...
INJURY...
ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...
WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
*
RAY ROBERTS
IS A TRAVELING SALESMAN.
HE GOES DOOR-TO-DOOR
HAWKING WEIGHT LOSS PRODUCTS.
HE DIDN'T MAKE MUCH MONEY,
AND THE TRAVELING WAS A GRIND,
BUT RAY LOVED HIS JOB
BECAUSE IT ALLOWED HIM
TO LIVE LIFE LARGE...
AS IN WOMEN.
- HI.
announcer: THE DAY
BIG BESS OPENED THE DOOR,
RAY KNEW HE HAD HIT
THE MOTHER LODE...
400 POUNDS OF IT.
- I HAVE HAD SEX
WITH REGULAR-SIZED WOMEN,
AND NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.
LIKE IT JUST
WASN'T DOING IT FOR ME.
SO AFTER THAT, I'D HAVE TO
FIND A LARGER WOMAN
TO "GET MY ROCKS OFF"
BECAUSE THIS IS MY IDEA
OF BEAUTY NOW.
- WHAT I HAVE HERE
IS A FANTASTIC PRODUCT.
BUT YOU ALREADY LOOK
FANTASTIC.
- [giggles]
YOU DON'T THINK MY BUTT'S...
TOO BIG?
announcer: A FEW DRINKS...
[clink]
A LITTLE SWEET TALK...
- I LOVE THEM BIG.
- [giggles]
announcer: AND RAY WAS
ON HIS WAY UP TO HOG HEAVEN.
- MM...MM.
announcer: BIG BESS
LIKED TO GET THINGS GOING
WITH A LITTLE ORAL STIMULATION.
- LET'S START WITH
DONUTS.
- MM. AND THEN WE'LL
GO NUTS.
- [giggles]
[both grunting, moaning]
announcer: BESS HAD EVERYTHING
RAY WAS LOOKING FOR.
SHE WAS LARGE...
AND IN CHARGE.
- YOU LIKE IT, DON'T YOU?
- I LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
announcer:
WAVE AFTER WAVE OF FLESH
PUMMELED THE PUNY SALESMAN
SENSELESS.
[grunting]
- AHH!
[moaning]
announcer: FINALLY,
LIKE A HARPOONED WHALE,
BIG BESS SPOUTED
IN ORGASMIC ECSTASY...
AND LOST CONSCIOUSNESS.
THE EXERTION
WAS JUST TOO MUCH.
RAY WAS ENGULFED IN A MOUNTAIN
OF BIG BESS BLUBBER.
THERE WAS NO ESCAPE.
LOST IN THE FOLDS
OF HER ROLLING FAT,
HIS FACE TRAPPED BETWEEN
HER SWEATY BREASTS,
RAY GASPED FOR AIR
THAT JUST WASN'T THERE.
- WHEN WE OBSTRUCT AN AIRWAY,
WE'RE SO-CALLED
"CHOKED TO DEATH".
WHEN WE ARE ASPHYXIATED,
WE CAN'T BREATHE IN
BECAUSE WE ARE
COMPRESSED TO DEATH.
HE ATTEMPTS TO INHALE
BUT CAN'T
BECAUSE THE FACE IS ACTUALLY
COVERED BY THIS
VOLUME OF TISSUE.
AND THEN YOU ADD PANIC.
PANIC, COMPRESSION,
AND THE INABILITY TO INHALE.
[snaps] INSTANT.
INSTANT CATASTROPHE.
- OH, CRAP.
[sighs]
announcer: WHEN IT CAME
TO CHUBBY CHASING,
RAY WAS A BIG GAME HUNTER.
THIS TIME...
THE HUNTER BECAME THE PREY.
GAME OVER...RAY.
- GET IT UP.
COME ON, COME ON.
announcer:
THESE TWO AREN'T TRAINING
FOR AN UPCOMING SPORTING EVENT
OR A BODY BUILDING CONTEST.
THEY'VE GOT THEIR EYES
ON A DIFFERENT PRIZE...
THEIR FRAT HOUSE'S
ANNUAL FART COMPETITION.
- TIGHTEN YOUR SPHINCTER, BOY!
- AAH!
- FOR ME IT'S GENERALLY JUST
FILL UP THE GAS TANK
AND JUST...
JUST CLENCH
FOR MY OPPORTUNITY.
AND WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY'S
THERE,
JUST LET IT GO.
AND, YOU KNOW,
GENERALLY IT'S A GOOD
PFFFFFFTTTTT.
- AAH!
announcer:
ARNOLD LOST OUT LAST YEAR
TO AN EXCHANGE STUDENT
FROM JAPAN.
- YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?
- THE ENEMY!
- THAT'S RIGHT!
- AAH!
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON!
announcer: THIS YEAR,
ARNOLD WAS MAKING SURE
HE COULD FIRE
ON ALL CYLINDERS.
THAT'S WHY HE HIRED
MAX BEERS.
- COME ON!
announcer: NOBODY KNEW MORE
ABOUT FLATULENCE
THAN THE GAS MASTER.
- DINNER'S SERVED.
- AH!
- HIT THOSE BEANS, BOY.
GET 'EM IN THERE.
announcer: MAX WAS FAMOUS
FOR HIS UNORTHODOX
TRAINING TECHNIQUES.
THERE WERE SPHINCTER
CONTROL EXERCISES
LIKE THE DOGGIE RUB BURN.
- THERE BETTER NOT BE
A SINGLE MARK ON THOSE DRAWERS.
GET IN HERE, COME ON!
GET THIS BALL UP THERE, BOY.
announcer: TENNIS BUTT BALL.
- COME ON, GIVE ME 50 REPS.
announcer: AND FINALLY...
- IT'S TIME FOR THE COMPACTOR.
- COMPACTOR!
announcer: AN EMPTY BEER CAN
HAD NO CHANCE
AGAINST ARNOLD'S
VICE GRIP BUTT CHEEKS.
- IT'S IN THERE!
- CRUSH IT!
- AAH! [metal crunching]
announcer: A FART IS BORN
IN THE INTESTINES
WHERE FOOD GETS BROKEN DOWN
AND ABSORBED
INTO THE BLOODSTREAM.
HARDER-TO-DIGEST FOODS
LEAVE BEHIND GAS,
WHICH IS FORCED OUT OF THE BODY
BY POWERFUL SPHINCTER MUSCLES.
THE MAIN GASES FOUND IN A FART
ARE OXYGEN,
NITROGEN, CARBON DIOXIDE,
AND METHANE,
WHICH IS COMBUSTIBLE.
- ALL RIGHT, BOY.
TIME FOR A TEST BURN.
ASSUME THE POSITION.
ARE YOU READY?
- YES, SIR!
- ALL RIGHT, BOY,
HERE IT COMES!
NOW, THREE, TWO, ONE!
LET HER RIP!
- AAH!
- AAH!
- COACH!
COACH, YOU'RE ON FIRE!
YOU OKAY? COACH!
AAH!
AAH!
COACH, COACH!
- METHANE GAS CAN IGNITE
VERY QUICKLY
AND ALSO ENCOMPASSES
A GREATER RADIUS
BECAUSE IT HAS A HIGHER
VAPOR PRESSURE.
AND, UH, THEREFORE
CAN BE POTENTIALLY RISKY
OR DANGEROUS,
MORE SO THAN OTHER GASES.
- OH, MY GOD,
MY FART KILLED YOU!
announcer:
UP NEXT, A SEXY VIOLINIST
TURNS INTO A REAL
HEAD-BANGER,
AND...A BAD GUY
HAS A BAD DAY
AND A REALLY BAD NIGHT.
- AAH!
[playing classical music]
announcer:
MAY WAS AN UP-AND-COMER
ON THE CLASSICAL
MUSIC CIRCUIT.
IT DIDN'T HURT THAT SHE HAD...
PERFECT PITCH.
HER LOOKS, FLAWLESS TECHNIQUE,
AND WORK ETHIC
WERE A WINNING COMBINATION.
- TO MAKE IT
IN CLASSICAL MUSIC,
YOU DON'T ONLY WORK ON
THE TECHNIQUE.
YOU ALSO HAVE TO HAVE EMOTION
AND ARTISTRY
IN THE CORRECT STYLE
THAT YOU ARE PERFORMING IN.
announcer:
MAY WAS NO DUMMY.
SHE KNEW SHE GOT AS MANY JOBS
FOR HER TIGHT, HOT BODY
AS FOR HER BODY OF WORK.
BUT IN HER MIND,
HER GREATEST
ANATOMICAL TREASURES
WERE HER HANDS.
- STUDYING ALL YOUR LIFE
FOR THE VIOLIN,
IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO THEM,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW,
YOUR HANDS ARE YOUR LIFE.
announcer: EVERY DAY,
MAY WOULD GO OUT OF HER WAY
TO BABY HER PRECIOUS
MONEYMAKERS.
SHE EVEN TOOK OUT
AN INSURANCE POLICY
SHOULD ANYTHING HAPPEN
TO THEM.
BUT MAY DID HAVE
ONE MAJOR FLAW,
ONE SOUR NOTE IN HER SYMPHONY
OF BEAUTY AND TALENT...
SHE WAS A TOTAL KLUTZ.
INSTINCTIVELY, THE VIOLINIST
AVOIDED USING HER HANDS
TO BREAK HER FALL...
AND BROKE HER HEAD INSTEAD.
[crack]
- IF SOMEONE'S EXPOSED
TO BLUNT TRAUMA,
TYPICALLY,
WHAT HAPPENS IS
THE BRAIN ITSELF
IS PUSHED AGAINST THE SKULL.
NOW, THE BRAIN BEING
A VERY SOFT TISSUE,
AND THE SKULL BEING
VERY HARD TISSUE,
IT DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF
SPACE TO COMPRESS,
SO WHEN IT'S PUSHED,
IT MAY CAUSE
IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE.
A PERSON CAN DIE FROM THAT.
announcer: MAY'S HANDS
WERE HER LIFELINE.
TOO BAD SHE WAS ALWAYS
ONE FOOT AWAY FROM DEATH.
- AAH!
[crack]
announcer:
MORT WAS ON THE RUN.
A TWO-TIME OFFENDER,
HIS LATEST FELONY,
ARMED ROBBERY,
WOULD PUT HIM AWAY FOR GOOD,
IF HE WAS CAPTURED.
- LET'S TAKE A BREAK, MAN.
- YEAH.
- I'M GETTING TOO OLD
FOR THIS STUFF.
announcer: WITH THE COPS
CATCHING THEIR BREATH,
MORT CAUGHT A BREAK--
A DRAINAGE PIPE.
WHAT BETTER PLACE
FOR A HUMAN RAT TO HIDE OUT IN?
- I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
I AIN'T GOING IN THERE.
- YEAH.
announcer: MORT WASN'T GOING
TO TAKE ANY CHANCES,
SO HE KEPT ON CRAWLING,
AND THE PIPE
KEPT GETTING SMALLER...
AND SMALLER UNTIL...
- HELP! HELP!
HELP ME!
I'M STUCK!
announcer:
IN A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME,
HE WENT FROM SURRENDERING...
- I DON'T CARE
IF I HAVE TO GO BACK TO JAIL!
I'LL GO BACK!
I JUST GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW!
announcer: TO APOLOGIZING...
- I'M SORRY.
announcer:
AND FINALLY CRYING.
- [crying]
announcer:
DAY TURNED TO NIGHT,
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN HIS LIFE,
MR. BIG AND SCARY WAS SCARED.
- [crying]
announcer:
MAKE THAT TERRIFIED.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS THAT?
[squeaking]
announcer: AND THEN SALVATION...
OR SO HE THOUGHT.
- IS ANYBODY THERE?
- [squeaking]
- AAH! AAH!
AAH!
AAH!
- YOU GOT TO SEE
HOW THE RAT SEES THIS.
THERE'S THIS THING
THAT'S BLOCKING THEIR ESCAPE.
THE BEST THING HE CAN DO
IS SHUT THE HELL UP,
BUT HE WON'T,
'CAUSE HE'S AFRAID.
SO THE RAT, WITH THEIR MASSIVE
INCISORS AND LITTLE CLAWS--
HE CAN GRAB ON
TO ANY PART OF YOUR FACE,
AND HE WILL BITE YOU.
- AAH!
announcer: THE RATS
WEREN'T SCARED OF MORT.
IN FACT, THEY LIKED HIM.
SO THEY ATE THEIR WAY
RIGHT THROUGH HIM.
- THE FIRST PATH
OF LEAST RESISTANCE
THEY WOULD COME TO
IS THE HUMAN SKIN,
WHICH IS VERY FRAGILE.
SECOND, THEY GET
INTO THE MUSCLE.
AND FINALLY,
THEY GET INTO THE HUMAN EYES
AND EVEN, IN FACT,
GOING THROUGH THE EYEBALL
TO GET INTO THE BRAIN.
THE PERSON WILL BE CONSCIOUS,
FEELING EVERY SINGLE,
LITTLE THING THAT'S HAPPENING.
UNFORTUNATELY,
THIS IS PROBABLY
ONE OF THE MOST GRUESOME DEATHS
SOMEBODY COULD EVEN IMAGINE.
announcer:
THEY SAY CRIME DOESN'T PAY.
BUT IT DID MAKE A NICE MEAL
FOR A PACK OF DIRTY RATS.
COMING UP,
A FRENCH MAID DUSTS OFF
AN OLD COOT.
AND A MOBSTER HIT
BLOWS UP IN THEIR FACE.
[monitor beeping]
announcer:
CLAUDE IS DYING.
THE ONLY THING KEEPING HIM ALIVE
IS A RESPIRATOR
AND HIS SEXY FRENCH MAID.
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
THE MACHINE
KEEPS HIS LUNGS INFLATED,
AND THE MAID--
SHE KEEPS HIS BLOOD FLOWING.
- THE FRENCH MAID'S THE ICON
OF A LADY CLEANING.
AND WHEN I DO
MY FRENCH-MAID SHOW,
I DO IT AS WASHING MYSELF,
'CAUSE I'M A DIRTY, OLD,
LITTLE FRENCH MAID.
[giggling]
[French accent]
THIS IS A DIRTY BEHIND.
I'M VERY CLEAN NOW.
MM. AH.
[laughing]
announcer:
NO REGRETS FOR THIS GUY.
CLAUDE HAS HAD EVERYTHING
A MAN COULD ASK FOR--
WEALTH, POWER, WOMEN.
HE'S READY TO MEET HIS MAKER,
BUT HE'S NOT GOING DOWN
WITHOUT A FIGHT.
TIME FOR THE AFTERNOON
STRIP SHOW.
LIFE FOR CLAUDE
WAS ONE LONG LAP DANCE.
HIS ONLY FEAR--
HEAVEN MIGHT BE BORING.
BACK ON EARTH, THE FRENCH MAID
DECIDES TO GIVE HER BOSS
AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
[whip cracks]
- OH.
announcer:
SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER
WAS DRIVING HER CANDY MAN
INTO THE DANGER ZONE.
- OH!
announcer: SLEIGH BELLS
WERE RINGING IN CLAUDE'S HEAD.
IT TURNS OUT IT WAS A WARNING
SIGNAL FROM THE RESPIRATOR.
[monitor beeping rapidly]
HIS HEART WAS BEATING FASTER
THAN THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY
ON CRYSTAL METH.
BUT BEFORE
HE WENT LIGHTS OUT...
[electricity crackles]
THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.
WHEN FRENCHY PLUGGED IN
THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,
IT WAS TOO MUCH
FOR CLAUDE'S HOUSE,
WHICH WAS EVEN OLDER
THAN HE WAS.
THE LIGHTS OVERLOADED
THE UNDERPOWERED 15-AMP FUSE...
AND THE RESPIRATOR WENT DEAD.
- WHEN THE RESPIRATOR
STOPPED WORKING,
THIS PATIENT
WAS NO LONGER GETTING OXYGEN.
- OH, MY GOD!
- IT'LL MAKE THE HEART
START BEATING FAST.
YES, IT CAN KEEP PUMPING,
BUT IT'S GONNA PUMP
STALE BLOOD.
SO IT BEATS FASTER,
THINKING THAT IT CAN COMPENSATE
FOR THIS LACK OF GOOD BLOOD.
AND AS A RESULT,
YOU GENERATE THE PERFECT STORM
TO CREATE
A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK.
announcer: CLAUDE WAS ALREADY
ROLLING DOWN DEATH'S HIGHWAY.
- AAH! AAH!
announcer: HE JUST TOOK...
AN EARLY EXIT.
ON THE ISLAND OF SICILY, ONE
OF THE SIGHTS YOU MIGHT CATCH,
IF YOU'RE LUCKY,
IS THE AGE-OLD TRADITION
OF WATCHING A MAN
DIG HIS OWN GRAVE.
MARIO BELUSI MADE THE MISTAKE
OF BORROWING MONEY
FROM THE MAFIA.
UNABLE TO KEEP UP
ON THE PAYMENTS,
HE'S BEEN FORCED
TO PAY THEM BACK
WITH THE ONLY THING
HE HAS LEFT--
HIS LIFE.
THE HIT MEN WANTED MARIO
TO PICK UP THE PACE.
THEY WALKED OVER
JUST AS HE UNEARTHED
A LEFTOVER FROM WORLD WAR II--
AN UNEXPLODED HAND GRENADE.
- YOUR TYPICAL MODERN
HAND GRENADE
IS GOING TO BE
A SHRAPNEL GRENADE.
ONCE THE BOMB IGNITES,
A LOT OF THE SHRAPNEL
WILL PROBABLY BE SUPER HOT.
SO WHEN IT GOES INTO THE
DIFFERENT PARTS OF THEIR BODY,
IT WILL BE BURNING.
AND IT'S DESIGNED TO KILL
ANYTHING WITHIN
ABOUT FIVE METERS.
announcer: THE MOB BOYS
HAD IT ALL WORKED OUT.
BUT THIS PLAN...
BLEW UP IN THEIR FACES.
AFTER THE BREAK,
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
MAKES LIFE HARD
FOR A CHEATING HUSBAND.
announcer: JANINE'S MARRIAGE WAS
AS DEAD AS HER HUSBAND'S PENIS.
- I'M NOT WEARING
ANY PANTIES TONIGHT.
- HUH.
announcer:
COLE'S ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
HAD TURNED HIM COLD,
BUT JANINE HAD A PLAN.
WITHOUT TELLING HIM,
SHE GROUND UP THREE E.D. PILLS
INTO HIS BEER.
THAT'S 300 MILLIGRAMS
OF BLOOD-RUSHING PENIS POPPERS.
THIS, JANINE THOUGHT,
WOULD FINALLY GET A RISE
OUT OF HER HUBBY.
- THE USE
OF ERECTILE-DYSFUNCTION DRUGS
IS INCREASING NITRIC OXIDE.
NITRIC OXIDE
IS ACTUALLY A COMPOUND
THAT'S RESPONSIBLE FOR DILATING
ALL VESSELS OF OUR BODY,
INCLUDING THE VESSELS
THAT LEAD TO OUR HEART.
- HONEY...
I WANT YOU TO DO ME
ON THE TABLE RIGHT NOW.
- [chuckles]
WAIT. WHAT?
[cell phone beeping]
UH, HOLD ON.
announcer: RIGHT THEN,
COLE RECEIVED A TEXT MESSAGE
FROM HIS MISTRESS.
BEFORE TAKING OFF,
COLE SLIPPED INTO THE BATHROOM
TO TAKE THREE
OF HIS OWN MAGIC LOVE PILLS.
LITTLE DID HE KNOW,
HIS GIRLFRIEND
WAS MAKING TRIPLE-SURE
HER LOVER BOY
WOULD BE UP FOR THE JOB.
SHE DROPPED THREE
OF HER OWN MAN-MAKERS
INTO A BEER.
- IF YOU'RE A MAN
AND YOU'RE UNABLE TO ACHIEVE
A QUALITY ERECTION,
THAT IS GOING TO DO SOMETHING
TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE WORRIED,
NEXT TIME YOU'RE
IN THE SITUATION,
IT'S JUST NOT
GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN.
- HEY, BABY.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- DRINK THIS
BEFORE WE GET STARTED.
IT WILL HELP YOU RELAX.
announcer:
OKAY, BEFORE WE CONTINUE,
LET'S DO THE MATH.
HIS WIFE SLIPPED HIM
300 MILLIGRAMS.
[bell dings]
COLE HIMSELF TOOK 300 MORE.
[bell dings]
AND HIS SECRET LOVER
DOUSED HIM WITH ANOTHER 300.
[bell dings]
THAT'S NINE TIMES
THE RECOMMENDED DOSAGE.
THIS GUY WAS ABOUT TO PIN
THE LOVE METER.
- WOW.
[shouting wildly, laughing]
announcer: WITH HIS VEINS
AND ARTERIES FULLY DILATED,
BLOOD RUSHED
FROM COLE'S HEAD TO...
HIS OTHER HEAD.
HIS MISTRESS DIDN'T MIND.
AND COLE DIDN'T NOTICE
HIS VISION WAS FADING.
HIS OXYGEN-DEPLETED BRAIN
WAS SHUTTING DOWN.
HIS HEART WAS REDLINING.
NONE OF THAT MATTERED.
HE WAS ABOUT TO BLOW.
WITH ONE FINAL THRUST...
- AAH! AAAAH!
announcer: IN ONE GLORIOUS BURST
OF PASSION,
COLE HAD COME...
AND GONE.
- OH.
- IT'S ORIGINAL.