1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 12 - Dead on Dead - full transcript
OKAY, FREAKS,
PUT DOWN YOUR BEERS
AND HOLD BACK YOUR TEARS.
HERE'S SOMETHING
TO SINK YOUR TEETH INTO.
WE'VE GOT A PEE-DADDY
WHOSE SHIZZLE GETS SIZZLED...
A BEACH PARTY
THAT TURNS INTO A BLOWOUT...
A FLOWER CHILD
WHO DOES A FACE-PLANT,
A SOFTY LEARNS
THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE...
A TREE HUGGER
WHO BECOMES UNBEARABLE...
AND FINALLY, A MEAL THAT COSTS
AN ARM AND A LEG.
DON'T LET IT
GO TO YOUR HEADS.
IT'S JUST THE NEXT EPISODE
OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS,
TOXINS,
INJURY,
ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE
AT ALL IS A MIRACLE,
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE...
THE CHURCH REVIVAL MEETING
WAS FINALLY OVER.
IT WAS TIME TO STOP PRAYING
AND START PLAYING.
BETTY LOU AND GEORGIA
WERE LOOKING TO COMMIT
SOME SINS OF THE FLESH.
THINGS GOT GOING WITH A GAME
OF TRUTH OR DARE.
- TRUTH OR DARE?
- I THINK
I'M GONNA CHOOSE DARE.
- BOBBY JOE CUT
RIGHT TO THE CHASE.
- I DARE YOU...
TO...
TAKE OFF YOUR TOP.
- I CONCUR.
- YES.
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.
WITH THESE TWO HUSSIES,
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT,
"TRUTH OR BARE."
NOW IT WAS THEIR TURN.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY.
YOU SHOULD GO PEE
ON THE ELECTRIC FENCE.
- OOH!
- YEAH!
- NO, IT'LL FRY--
THIS WAS
ELWOOD'S BEST CHANCE
TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY.
- YES!
BUT HE WOULDN'T PLAY BALL.
- DON'T BE A WUSS.
- NO, IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
IT'S DANGEROUS.
- YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
- SOMEBODY DO IT.
- I'LL DO IT.
- FINE!
YOU COULD ALWAYS
COUNT ON BUBBA.
- WHOO! HA HA!
HE'D PEE ON HIMSELF
FOR A PIECE OF ASS.
HE HAD TO GO ANYWAY.
HIS GOLDEN STREAM
TRACED AN ARC
THROUGH THE HOT KANSAS AIR.
FOR A MOMENT,
IT SEEMED LIKE BUBBA
DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH BLADDER...
UNTIL...
GOD!
A 10,000-VOLT CROTCH ROCKET
BARBECUED HIS JUNK
AND FRIED HIS HEART.
- THIS MASSIVE VOLTAGE
COME THROUGH
THIS ARC OF URINE,
GOES UP THE PENIS,
AND THEN INTO THE BODY,
WHICH CAN CAUSE
THE BODY TO EXPLODE.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO...
YOU GOTTA GO.
BUBBA WENT...
AND THEN HE WAS GONE.
IT WAS TYPHOON SEASON
IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC,
AND FOOD WAS SCARCE.
CHIEF ATUA'S CLAN HAD EATEN
THEIR LAST PIG WEEKS AGO,
AND NOW THEY HAD BECOME
VERY RELUCTANT VEGETARIANS.
APPETITES WERE HIGH
AND TEMPERS SHORT.
IF THERE WERE
NO MEAT SOON,
LIFE ON THIS ISLAND
WOULD BE ANYTHING BUT PARADISE.
BUT THEN TWO GIFTS
FROM THE GODS
CAME CRAWLING UP
FROM THE BEACH.
- PLEASE, WE'RE-- WE'RE--
WE'RE HUNGRY!
STEVE AND CARLOS
WERE A COUPLE
OF DRUG SMUGGLERS
SAILING A YACHT FULL OF DOPE
FROM HAWAII TO AUSTRALIA.
THEY ENDED UP WRECKED
ON THE REEF TO NOWHERE.
- CHIEF, I'LL GIVE YOU
ANYTHING YOU WANT?
- HEY, MAN! OKAY!
- THANK YOU!
- THANK YOU!
- WE KNOW CANNIBALISM EXISTS,
AND THERE ARE TWO TYPES,
BASICALLY.
NECRO-CANNIBALISM,
WHERE THE DEAD ARE EATEN,
AND HOMICIDAL CANNIBALISM,
WHERE SOMEONE IS KILLED
SO HE CAN BE EATEN.
THE TWO SMUGGLERS
HAD BEEN IN HOT WATER BEFORE,
BUT THIS TIME THEY
COULDN'T BRIBE THEIR WAY OUT.
- EVEN THE MOST UNHEALTHY HUMAN
HAS A LOT OF MUSCLE,
SO YOU HAVE TO REALLY COOK
LOW, SLOW
TO BREAK ALL THAT DOWN.
ROOT VEGETABLES
ARE ALWAYS GOOD FOR SOUP.
SO CARROTS, TURNIP
WOULD KIND OF, LIKE,
GIVE A SWEETNESS TO IT.
THESE MAN-EATERS
DIDN'T NEED A COOKBOOK.
THEY KNEW FIVE HOURS
IN BOILING WATER
WOULD MELT AWAY
THEIR VICTIMS' SKIN
AND SEPARATE THEIR FLESH
EASILY FROM THE BONES.
THE MEAL WAS EVERYTHING
THEY HAD HOPED...
TENDER AND JUICY.
STEVE AND CARLOS?
THEY WERE HONORED
WITH THE BEST SPOTS--
AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE.
PRAISE THE GODS...
FOR ONE
FINGER-LICKIN'- GOOD LUAU.
COMING UP, A VIOLINIST
HITS A VERY BAD NOTE...
AND...
- AAH!
A SPOILED TOURIST LEARNS
IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.
STEVEN AND MIRANDA
WERE OUT ON A DATE.
A LITTLE MUSIC,
SOME FOOD AND DRINK--
IT MADE A NICE PICTURE.
BUT IT WAS A LIE.
STEVEN'S REAL NAME
WAS ABDULLAH MUHAMMAD YASIN,
AND HE WAS ON THE FBI'S
MOST-WANTED-TERRORIST LIST.
ABDULLAH HAD CUT A PATH
OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION
ACROSS THE MIDDLE EAST
AND EUROPE.
NOW HE HAD SNUCK
INTO THE U.S.
AND WAS PLANNING
SOMETHING BIG.
MIRANDA THOUGHT
HER NEW LOVER BOY
WAS JUST A RUG SALESMAN.
BUT THE PLOT THICKENS.
THE VIOLINIST IN THE TRIO
WAS NOT WHO SHE SEEMED EITHER.
ANNA WAS
A C.I.A.- TRAINED ASSASSIN.
SHE WAS HERE, IN SPY TALK,
TO NEUTRALIZE HER TARGET--
IN PLAIN ENGLISH,
TO MAKE ABDULLAH DEAD.
TO ACCOMPLISH HER MISSION,
ANNA WAS GIVEN A TOP-SECRET,
CUTTING-EDGE
PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY...
A PLASMA LASER RIFLE.
- LASER-GUN TECHNOLOGY
IS SOMETHING
THAT THE GOVERNMENT'S
BEEN TALKING ABOUT
AND NOT JUST OUR GOVERNMENT,
BUT VARIOUS GOVERNMENTS
AROUND THE WORLD,
AS A FUTURE
TO THE REPLACEMENT
OF A CARTRIDGE-DRIVEN FIREARM.
IT MAY BE OUT THERE.
IT MAY BE A VERY COVERT TYPE
OF WEAPON.
THE RIFLE WAS RIGGED
TO FIRE FROM INSIDE
THE VIOLIN CASE.
ANNA WAITED
FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.
WHILE THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDED
AND ABDULLAH PLOTTED,
SHE PULLED THE TRIGGER...
AND A CONCENTRATED
BOLT OF GAMMA RAYS
BORED THEIR WAY DEEP
INTO THE TERRORIST'S BRAIN.
- SOMEBODY HELP!
SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE!
- GAMMA RAYS
ARE VERY PENETRATING.
THE AMOUNT OF RADIATION
THAT YOU CAN GET
IN A SINGLE SHOT,
A HUGE AMOUNT,
THIS WILL CAUSE
ACUTE PROBLEMS.
THE FOCUSED BEAM OF LIGHT
BURNED THROUGH HIS SKULL
AND INTO THE BRAIN,
CAUSING THERMAL DAMAGE
ON A MOLECULAR LEVEL.
IN LAYMAN TERMS,
HIS BRAIN WAS MELTED.
IN THE UNDERCOVER WORLD
OF SPY VERSUS SPY,
YOU CAN PRETEND TO BE
SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT,
BUT IN THE END,
THE ONE
WITH THE BEST TOYS WINS.
- SOMEBODY HELP!
- IT CAN GET PRETTY SLOPEY
OVER HERE, SO JUST...
PRESTON WAS ON AN ADVENTURE.
A RICH, SPOILED KID,
HE HAD PAID FOR A GUIDE
TO LEAD HIM
THROUGH THE BRAZILIAN JUNGLE,
SO HE WOULD HAVE
SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT
WITH HIS RICH,
PREPPY FRIENDS.
- WHOA!
- HEY!
HEY!
YOU OKAY?
- FINE.
JUST GIVE ME MY HAT.
THANK YOU.
- MY GOD.
BUT HE WAS NO INDIANA JONES.
ONE NIGHT AWAY
FROM HIS FOUR-STAR HOTEL,
AND HE WAS ALREADY
REGRETTING IT.
- YOU REALLY
WANT TO BE CAREFUL.
THERE'S A LOT
OF POISONOUS SNAKES AND SPIDERS.
- SON OF A BITCH.
ALL HE REALLY WANTED TO DO
WAS EXPLORE THE TERRITORY
HIDDEN UNDERNEATH
HIS GUIDE'S SHORTS.
- DO NOT GO OUT ON YOUR OWN.
MAKE SURE I KNOW ANY TIME
THAT YOU'RE GOING ANYWHERE.
THERE'S A LOT OF DANGERS.
PLEASE TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
- WANT TO GO OUT
WITH ME AT NIGHT?
- NO.
NO, THANK YOU.
IT WAS A MISERABLE PRESTON
WHO LAID DOWN
FOR A MUCH-NEEDED SIESTA.
HE AWOKE FROM A DREAM...
INTO A NIGHTMARE.
- AAH!
HE DIDN'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT TARANTULAS
UP AT PRINCETON.
BUT THEY WERE
JUST THE WARM-UP ACT.
THE JUNGLE WAS TEACHING
PRESTON A HARD LESSON.
NATURE WAS A BITCH.
- IF A CONSTRICTOR
GETS YOU AROUND THE FACE,
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GET HIM OFF BY GOING,
TRYING TO UNDO IT
FROM THE MIDDLE.
IT'S LIKE TRYING
TO UNDO A KNOT.
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
A 15-FOOT BOA CONSTRICTOR
BEGAN PUTTING THE SQUEEZE
TO PRESTON'S NECK.
UNABLE TO CRY FOR HELP,
HE WAS QUICKLY RUNNING
OUT OF BREATH AND TIME.
- IF YOU DON'T FIND THE TAIL,
YOU'VE GOT A REAL PROBLEM.
SO YOU FIND IT
AND TRY AN UNRAVEL IT.
YOU GOT 10 TO 15 SECONDS
TO DO THAT.
AND IF YOU PANIC,
YOU'RE A DEAD MONKEY.
THE SNAKE
KEPT TIGHTENING ITS GRIP
AROUND PRESTON'S THROAT.
IN LESS THAN TWO MINUTES,
THE PREPPY ADVENTURER
WAS CHOKED TO DEATH.
PRESTON
THOUGHT THE JUNGLE
WOULD BE A FUN WALK
IN THE WOODS.
HE NEVER THOUGHT...
HE'D GET SO WRAPPED UP IN IT.
NEXT, WARM BEER
IS A PARTY KILLER.
AND WHAT DO YOU CALL
A POOL WITH NO WATER?
HARD.
THE GAME OF RUGBY
IS ONE
OF THE WORLD'S MOST BRUTAL.
NO HELMETS, NO PADDING,
JUST 30 GUYS
SCRAMBLING AFTER A BALL
IN SHORTS
THAT ARE WAY TOO TIGHT.
THE RUGBY TEAM
FROM SIMI VALLEY U.
HAD LOST THEIR 15TH GAME
IN A ROW THAT AFTERNOON,
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THEM
FROM CELEBRATING.
THEY WERE
FAR BETTER PARTIERS
THAN THEY WERE
RUGBY PLAYERS.
- HIGH FIVE!
THAT'S MY MAN!
IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES,
JOHN HAD BOTCHED
A CRUCIAL SCORING PLAY
AND LOST THE GAME.
ON THE FIELD, JOHN
COULDN'T HOLD ON TO THE BALL.
AND AT PARTIES,
HE COULDN'T HOLD
HIS LIQUOR.
- YOU'RE LIKE
A GALAXY OF FRECKLES.
HEY, MAN, COME ON.
WITH MORE BEER
IN HIS VEINS THAN BLOOD,
JOHN WAS ALL SHOOK UP
AND READY TO BLOW.
- WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, DUDE?
HE WAS LIKE
AN OPEN CAN OF BUZZKILL.
- AN INDIVIDUAL
WHO MAY BECOME A BULLY
MAY HAVE ALREADY STRUGGLED
WITH LOW-SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES.
AND IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER
ABOUT THEMSELVES,
THEY USE THIS ANGER
AND AGGRESSION
AS A MEANS
TO PUT OTHER PEOPLE DOWN
AND TO LIFT THEMSELVES UP,
IN A SENSE.
- THIS BEER'S COLD!
I WANT SOME ENGLISH BEER, MATE.
LET'S WARM IT UP A BIT.
RIGHT!
IF YOU EVER WANT
TO BREAK UP A BEACH PARTY,
JUST THROW THE KEG
IN THE FIRE.
- WHOO!
GOOD GAME, BABY!
THAT WAS GOOD, RIGHT?
COME ON, MAN!
HEY, THE PARTY'S
JUST GETTING STARTED.
COME ON!
JOHN STUCK AROUND,
BECAUSE SOMEBODY
HAD TO DIE IN THIS STORY.
THE FIRE HEATED THE KEG
TO 700 DEGREES CELSIUS.
THE PRESSURE INSIDE
WENT FROM 25 P.S.I.
TO 600 POUNDS OF BEER PRESSURE
PER SQUARE INCH.
THE SUPERHEATED KEG EXPLODED,
SENDING RAZOR-SHARP PIECES
OF ALUMINUM SHRAPNEL
DEEP INTO JOHN'S CHEST.
- COMPARING A HEATED KEG
TO AN EXPLODING DEVICE,
I THINK THE CLOSEST THING TO IT
WOULD BE
A GIANT HAND GRENADE ALMOST.
I THINK THAT'S REALLY
WHAT THAT BECAME,
BECAUSE IT CREATED SHRAPNEL
THAT COULD SEVER A LIMB
OR DO AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT
OF TISSUE DAMAGE
WHEN IT GOES
INSIDE THE BODY.
ANYONE WHO KNEW HIM,
THOUGHT JOHN
WAS A TOTAL DICK.
- YOU'RE LIKE
A GALAXY OF FRECKLES.
THE SILVER LINING
IN THIS BEER CLOUD...
AT LEAST HE DIDN'T TAKE
ANYONE ELSE WITH HIM.
IT WAS JUST
ANOTHER RAINY AFTERNOON.
JOE, TRICIA, LENA, AND ALICE
WERE BORED BEYOND BELIEF.
DRINKING BEER? THAT WAS
FOR THE FRAT-HOUSE CROWD.
THERE HAD TO BE
A BETTER WAY TO KILL TIME.
- HEY, GUYS!
- YEAH!
- LOOK WHAT I GOT!
AND THEN TOMMY
CAME TO THE RESCUE.
HE HAD SOME ACID,
L.S.D.
THEY MIGHT LOSE THEIR MINDS...
- YEAH!
BUT AT LEAST
THEY WON'T BE BORED.
- YEAH!
- L.S.D. IS LYSERGIC ACID
IT IS ACTUALLY ONE
OF THE MOST COMMON
AND MOST POTENT
HALLUCINOGENS.
IT'S SPECULATED TO WORK
ON THE CEREBRAL CORTEX
AND THE LOCUS COERULEUS.
THESE TWO AREAS
BEGIN TO CROSS,
SO IT GIVES THE USER
THE FEELING
THAT THEY'RE
ACTUALLY HEARING COLORS
OF THEY CAN ACTUALLY
FEEL SOUNDS.
TOMMY GAVE EACH OF HIS FRIENDS
A HIT
OF THE ACID-SOAKED PAPER.
- WAIT.
CAN I HAVE ONE MORE?
ALICE WANTED A SECOND DOSE.
SHE'D JUST BEEN DUMPED
BY HER BOYFRIEND
AND WAS LOOKING TO WIPE
HER SLATE CLEAN.
TWO HITS OF BLOTTER ACID
WOULD TAKE CARE OF THAT.
SOON ENOUGH, THE ACID
STARTED COMING ON,
AND THE GANG GOT GIGGLY.
OUTSIDE,
IT WAS COLD AND RAINY,
BUT INSIDE THEIR HEADS,
IT WAS WARM AND FUZZY.
THE POOL WAS EMPTY,
BUT THAT DIDN'T KEEP
THESE TRIPPERS
FROM TAKING A DIP.
IN THEIR MINDS,
THEY WERE SWIMMING.
- THE USE
OF HALLUCINOGENIC DRUGS
IS REALLY COMMON.
IT'S A BIG PROBLEM,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE PEOPLE
THAT, ARE
NOT IN THE REGULAR REALITY.
SO THEY WILL, YOU KNOW,
SEE THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE,
AND THEY WILL START
TO, DO ACTIONS
IN THE REAL WORLD THAT
CORRESPOND TO THESE FANTASIES.
- HEY, GUYS!
- ALICE!
ALICE, COME IN!
JUMP IN! JUMP IN!
THE WATER'S GREAT!
JUMP IN!
TWO-HIT ALICE
HAD GONE OFF THE DEEP END.
- ALICE.
COME ON, ALICE.
AND THEN SHE JUMPED OFF IT.
A PERFECT BELLY FLOP
INTO A WATERLESS POOL
WILL POP ANYONE'S LIFE BULB.
THE IMPACT SHATTERED
HER SPINAL COLUMN,
CUTTING OFF
HER PHRENIC NERVE,
WHICH POWERS THE DIAPHRAGM.
HER LUNGS
STOPPED FUNCTIONING,
AND SHE DIED
IN LESS THAN A MINUTE.
IF YOU EVER GET THE NOTION
THAT TAKING TWO HITS
OF ACID IS A GOOD IDEA...
GO ASK ALICE.
UP NEXT...
- I'LL PROTECT YOU.
AN ECO-WARRIOR MEETS HIS MATCH.
NO! NO! NO! NO!
NO!
DEEP
IN THE MONTANA WILDERNESS,
A LOGGING CREW
IS HARD AT WORK.
CHAIN SAWS AND CRASHING TREES
ECHO THROUGHOUT THE FOREST.
IT'S THE BATTLE
BETWEEN MAN AND NATURE,
AND MAN IS WINNING...
EXCEPT FOR ONE TREE
AND ONE MAN WHO DECIDED
TO TAKE A STAND.
HE CALLS HIMSELF "ROOT DOG."
HE'S LASHED HIMSELF
TO A BIG-OLD OAK
AND IS PREPARED TO DEFEND IT
WITH HIS LIFE.
- DON'T BE SCARED.
NO-- NO TEARS. NO...
THE ONLY PROBLEM,
ROOT DOG IS NUTTIER
THAN THE ORGANIC GRANOLA
HE EATS EVERY MORNING.
- I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I'LL PROTECT YOU.
YES, I WILL.
I'LL PROTECT YOU.
WHEN THE LOGGERS
FINALLY SHOW UP,
ROOT DOG RANTS...
- MURDERERS!
AND RAVES...
- YOU GREEDY, MEAT-SUCKING
BLOOD VESSELS.
AND THE LOGGERS WANDER OFF,
SHAKING THEIR HEADS.
THERE'S PLENTY OF OTHER TREES
TO CUT DOWN.
- I FEEL...
THEN ANOTHER FRIEND
OF THE FOREST SHOWS UP.
- GO ON, SHOO.
GO! NO, NO!
NO! NO!
MR. GRIZZLY BEAR
LOVES NATURE LOVERS.
NO! NO! NO!
HE MAKES A NICE MEAL
OUT OF THE CRUNCHY, MUNCHY
TREE HUGGER.
- YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND
THAT A BEAR IS AN OMNIVORE.
HE'LL TAKE AND EAT
ANYTHING HE CAN.
THE BEAR DOESN'T CARE
WHAT PART IT EATS EITHER.
IT GOES RIGHT DOWN
ON ROOT DOG'S ROOT.
- GET OUT!
I NEED THAT! I NEED THAT!
GET OFF! GO! GET OFF!
- YOU CAN SEE THE BEAR
IS NOT INTIMIDATED.
THE BEAR'S IN NO RUSH.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE TIED TO A TREE,
SO, EVENTUALLY,
HE'S GONNA GO CRUNCH,
AND THEN HE'S GOING,
"THAT TASTED PRETTY GOOD
AND WAS VERY EASY."
AND SO HE'LL START
PULLING ON PIECES.
YOU'RE GONNA BECOME LUNCH.
NO!
- THOSE GUYS THAT WANT
TO BECOME ONE WITH THE ANIMALS,
THEY DO.
ROOT DOG BELIEVED IN NATURE.
- I'LL PROTECT YOU.
IN THE END,
YOU CAN SAY THAT NATURE WAS...
- GO AWAY! GO AWAY!
WELL-SERVED.
IT'S ORIGINAL
PUT DOWN YOUR BEERS
AND HOLD BACK YOUR TEARS.
HERE'S SOMETHING
TO SINK YOUR TEETH INTO.
WE'VE GOT A PEE-DADDY
WHOSE SHIZZLE GETS SIZZLED...
A BEACH PARTY
THAT TURNS INTO A BLOWOUT...
A FLOWER CHILD
WHO DOES A FACE-PLANT,
A SOFTY LEARNS
THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE...
A TREE HUGGER
WHO BECOMES UNBEARABLE...
AND FINALLY, A MEAL THAT COSTS
AN ARM AND A LEG.
DON'T LET IT
GO TO YOUR HEADS.
IT'S JUST THE NEXT EPISODE
OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS,
TOXINS,
INJURY,
ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE
AT ALL IS A MIRACLE,
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE...
THE CHURCH REVIVAL MEETING
WAS FINALLY OVER.
IT WAS TIME TO STOP PRAYING
AND START PLAYING.
BETTY LOU AND GEORGIA
WERE LOOKING TO COMMIT
SOME SINS OF THE FLESH.
THINGS GOT GOING WITH A GAME
OF TRUTH OR DARE.
- TRUTH OR DARE?
- I THINK
I'M GONNA CHOOSE DARE.
- BOBBY JOE CUT
RIGHT TO THE CHASE.
- I DARE YOU...
TO...
TAKE OFF YOUR TOP.
- I CONCUR.
- YES.
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.
WITH THESE TWO HUSSIES,
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT,
"TRUTH OR BARE."
NOW IT WAS THEIR TURN.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY.
YOU SHOULD GO PEE
ON THE ELECTRIC FENCE.
- OOH!
- YEAH!
- NO, IT'LL FRY--
THIS WAS
ELWOOD'S BEST CHANCE
TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY.
- YES!
BUT HE WOULDN'T PLAY BALL.
- DON'T BE A WUSS.
- NO, IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
IT'S DANGEROUS.
- YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
- SOMEBODY DO IT.
- I'LL DO IT.
- FINE!
YOU COULD ALWAYS
COUNT ON BUBBA.
- WHOO! HA HA!
HE'D PEE ON HIMSELF
FOR A PIECE OF ASS.
HE HAD TO GO ANYWAY.
HIS GOLDEN STREAM
TRACED AN ARC
THROUGH THE HOT KANSAS AIR.
FOR A MOMENT,
IT SEEMED LIKE BUBBA
DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH BLADDER...
UNTIL...
GOD!
A 10,000-VOLT CROTCH ROCKET
BARBECUED HIS JUNK
AND FRIED HIS HEART.
- THIS MASSIVE VOLTAGE
COME THROUGH
THIS ARC OF URINE,
GOES UP THE PENIS,
AND THEN INTO THE BODY,
WHICH CAN CAUSE
THE BODY TO EXPLODE.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO...
YOU GOTTA GO.
BUBBA WENT...
AND THEN HE WAS GONE.
IT WAS TYPHOON SEASON
IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC,
AND FOOD WAS SCARCE.
CHIEF ATUA'S CLAN HAD EATEN
THEIR LAST PIG WEEKS AGO,
AND NOW THEY HAD BECOME
VERY RELUCTANT VEGETARIANS.
APPETITES WERE HIGH
AND TEMPERS SHORT.
IF THERE WERE
NO MEAT SOON,
LIFE ON THIS ISLAND
WOULD BE ANYTHING BUT PARADISE.
BUT THEN TWO GIFTS
FROM THE GODS
CAME CRAWLING UP
FROM THE BEACH.
- PLEASE, WE'RE-- WE'RE--
WE'RE HUNGRY!
STEVE AND CARLOS
WERE A COUPLE
OF DRUG SMUGGLERS
SAILING A YACHT FULL OF DOPE
FROM HAWAII TO AUSTRALIA.
THEY ENDED UP WRECKED
ON THE REEF TO NOWHERE.
- CHIEF, I'LL GIVE YOU
ANYTHING YOU WANT?
- HEY, MAN! OKAY!
- THANK YOU!
- THANK YOU!
- WE KNOW CANNIBALISM EXISTS,
AND THERE ARE TWO TYPES,
BASICALLY.
NECRO-CANNIBALISM,
WHERE THE DEAD ARE EATEN,
AND HOMICIDAL CANNIBALISM,
WHERE SOMEONE IS KILLED
SO HE CAN BE EATEN.
THE TWO SMUGGLERS
HAD BEEN IN HOT WATER BEFORE,
BUT THIS TIME THEY
COULDN'T BRIBE THEIR WAY OUT.
- EVEN THE MOST UNHEALTHY HUMAN
HAS A LOT OF MUSCLE,
SO YOU HAVE TO REALLY COOK
LOW, SLOW
TO BREAK ALL THAT DOWN.
ROOT VEGETABLES
ARE ALWAYS GOOD FOR SOUP.
SO CARROTS, TURNIP
WOULD KIND OF, LIKE,
GIVE A SWEETNESS TO IT.
THESE MAN-EATERS
DIDN'T NEED A COOKBOOK.
THEY KNEW FIVE HOURS
IN BOILING WATER
WOULD MELT AWAY
THEIR VICTIMS' SKIN
AND SEPARATE THEIR FLESH
EASILY FROM THE BONES.
THE MEAL WAS EVERYTHING
THEY HAD HOPED...
TENDER AND JUICY.
STEVE AND CARLOS?
THEY WERE HONORED
WITH THE BEST SPOTS--
AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE.
PRAISE THE GODS...
FOR ONE
FINGER-LICKIN'- GOOD LUAU.
COMING UP, A VIOLINIST
HITS A VERY BAD NOTE...
AND...
- AAH!
A SPOILED TOURIST LEARNS
IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.
STEVEN AND MIRANDA
WERE OUT ON A DATE.
A LITTLE MUSIC,
SOME FOOD AND DRINK--
IT MADE A NICE PICTURE.
BUT IT WAS A LIE.
STEVEN'S REAL NAME
WAS ABDULLAH MUHAMMAD YASIN,
AND HE WAS ON THE FBI'S
MOST-WANTED-TERRORIST LIST.
ABDULLAH HAD CUT A PATH
OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION
ACROSS THE MIDDLE EAST
AND EUROPE.
NOW HE HAD SNUCK
INTO THE U.S.
AND WAS PLANNING
SOMETHING BIG.
MIRANDA THOUGHT
HER NEW LOVER BOY
WAS JUST A RUG SALESMAN.
BUT THE PLOT THICKENS.
THE VIOLINIST IN THE TRIO
WAS NOT WHO SHE SEEMED EITHER.
ANNA WAS
A C.I.A.- TRAINED ASSASSIN.
SHE WAS HERE, IN SPY TALK,
TO NEUTRALIZE HER TARGET--
IN PLAIN ENGLISH,
TO MAKE ABDULLAH DEAD.
TO ACCOMPLISH HER MISSION,
ANNA WAS GIVEN A TOP-SECRET,
CUTTING-EDGE
PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY...
A PLASMA LASER RIFLE.
- LASER-GUN TECHNOLOGY
IS SOMETHING
THAT THE GOVERNMENT'S
BEEN TALKING ABOUT
AND NOT JUST OUR GOVERNMENT,
BUT VARIOUS GOVERNMENTS
AROUND THE WORLD,
AS A FUTURE
TO THE REPLACEMENT
OF A CARTRIDGE-DRIVEN FIREARM.
IT MAY BE OUT THERE.
IT MAY BE A VERY COVERT TYPE
OF WEAPON.
THE RIFLE WAS RIGGED
TO FIRE FROM INSIDE
THE VIOLIN CASE.
ANNA WAITED
FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.
WHILE THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDED
AND ABDULLAH PLOTTED,
SHE PULLED THE TRIGGER...
AND A CONCENTRATED
BOLT OF GAMMA RAYS
BORED THEIR WAY DEEP
INTO THE TERRORIST'S BRAIN.
- SOMEBODY HELP!
SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE!
- GAMMA RAYS
ARE VERY PENETRATING.
THE AMOUNT OF RADIATION
THAT YOU CAN GET
IN A SINGLE SHOT,
A HUGE AMOUNT,
THIS WILL CAUSE
ACUTE PROBLEMS.
THE FOCUSED BEAM OF LIGHT
BURNED THROUGH HIS SKULL
AND INTO THE BRAIN,
CAUSING THERMAL DAMAGE
ON A MOLECULAR LEVEL.
IN LAYMAN TERMS,
HIS BRAIN WAS MELTED.
IN THE UNDERCOVER WORLD
OF SPY VERSUS SPY,
YOU CAN PRETEND TO BE
SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT,
BUT IN THE END,
THE ONE
WITH THE BEST TOYS WINS.
- SOMEBODY HELP!
- IT CAN GET PRETTY SLOPEY
OVER HERE, SO JUST...
PRESTON WAS ON AN ADVENTURE.
A RICH, SPOILED KID,
HE HAD PAID FOR A GUIDE
TO LEAD HIM
THROUGH THE BRAZILIAN JUNGLE,
SO HE WOULD HAVE
SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT
WITH HIS RICH,
PREPPY FRIENDS.
- WHOA!
- HEY!
HEY!
YOU OKAY?
- FINE.
JUST GIVE ME MY HAT.
THANK YOU.
- MY GOD.
BUT HE WAS NO INDIANA JONES.
ONE NIGHT AWAY
FROM HIS FOUR-STAR HOTEL,
AND HE WAS ALREADY
REGRETTING IT.
- YOU REALLY
WANT TO BE CAREFUL.
THERE'S A LOT
OF POISONOUS SNAKES AND SPIDERS.
- SON OF A BITCH.
ALL HE REALLY WANTED TO DO
WAS EXPLORE THE TERRITORY
HIDDEN UNDERNEATH
HIS GUIDE'S SHORTS.
- DO NOT GO OUT ON YOUR OWN.
MAKE SURE I KNOW ANY TIME
THAT YOU'RE GOING ANYWHERE.
THERE'S A LOT OF DANGERS.
PLEASE TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
- WANT TO GO OUT
WITH ME AT NIGHT?
- NO.
NO, THANK YOU.
IT WAS A MISERABLE PRESTON
WHO LAID DOWN
FOR A MUCH-NEEDED SIESTA.
HE AWOKE FROM A DREAM...
INTO A NIGHTMARE.
- AAH!
HE DIDN'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT TARANTULAS
UP AT PRINCETON.
BUT THEY WERE
JUST THE WARM-UP ACT.
THE JUNGLE WAS TEACHING
PRESTON A HARD LESSON.
NATURE WAS A BITCH.
- IF A CONSTRICTOR
GETS YOU AROUND THE FACE,
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GET HIM OFF BY GOING,
TRYING TO UNDO IT
FROM THE MIDDLE.
IT'S LIKE TRYING
TO UNDO A KNOT.
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
A 15-FOOT BOA CONSTRICTOR
BEGAN PUTTING THE SQUEEZE
TO PRESTON'S NECK.
UNABLE TO CRY FOR HELP,
HE WAS QUICKLY RUNNING
OUT OF BREATH AND TIME.
- IF YOU DON'T FIND THE TAIL,
YOU'VE GOT A REAL PROBLEM.
SO YOU FIND IT
AND TRY AN UNRAVEL IT.
YOU GOT 10 TO 15 SECONDS
TO DO THAT.
AND IF YOU PANIC,
YOU'RE A DEAD MONKEY.
THE SNAKE
KEPT TIGHTENING ITS GRIP
AROUND PRESTON'S THROAT.
IN LESS THAN TWO MINUTES,
THE PREPPY ADVENTURER
WAS CHOKED TO DEATH.
PRESTON
THOUGHT THE JUNGLE
WOULD BE A FUN WALK
IN THE WOODS.
HE NEVER THOUGHT...
HE'D GET SO WRAPPED UP IN IT.
NEXT, WARM BEER
IS A PARTY KILLER.
AND WHAT DO YOU CALL
A POOL WITH NO WATER?
HARD.
THE GAME OF RUGBY
IS ONE
OF THE WORLD'S MOST BRUTAL.
NO HELMETS, NO PADDING,
JUST 30 GUYS
SCRAMBLING AFTER A BALL
IN SHORTS
THAT ARE WAY TOO TIGHT.
THE RUGBY TEAM
FROM SIMI VALLEY U.
HAD LOST THEIR 15TH GAME
IN A ROW THAT AFTERNOON,
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THEM
FROM CELEBRATING.
THEY WERE
FAR BETTER PARTIERS
THAN THEY WERE
RUGBY PLAYERS.
- HIGH FIVE!
THAT'S MY MAN!
IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES,
JOHN HAD BOTCHED
A CRUCIAL SCORING PLAY
AND LOST THE GAME.
ON THE FIELD, JOHN
COULDN'T HOLD ON TO THE BALL.
AND AT PARTIES,
HE COULDN'T HOLD
HIS LIQUOR.
- YOU'RE LIKE
A GALAXY OF FRECKLES.
HEY, MAN, COME ON.
WITH MORE BEER
IN HIS VEINS THAN BLOOD,
JOHN WAS ALL SHOOK UP
AND READY TO BLOW.
- WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, DUDE?
HE WAS LIKE
AN OPEN CAN OF BUZZKILL.
- AN INDIVIDUAL
WHO MAY BECOME A BULLY
MAY HAVE ALREADY STRUGGLED
WITH LOW-SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES.
AND IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER
ABOUT THEMSELVES,
THEY USE THIS ANGER
AND AGGRESSION
AS A MEANS
TO PUT OTHER PEOPLE DOWN
AND TO LIFT THEMSELVES UP,
IN A SENSE.
- THIS BEER'S COLD!
I WANT SOME ENGLISH BEER, MATE.
LET'S WARM IT UP A BIT.
RIGHT!
IF YOU EVER WANT
TO BREAK UP A BEACH PARTY,
JUST THROW THE KEG
IN THE FIRE.
- WHOO!
GOOD GAME, BABY!
THAT WAS GOOD, RIGHT?
COME ON, MAN!
HEY, THE PARTY'S
JUST GETTING STARTED.
COME ON!
JOHN STUCK AROUND,
BECAUSE SOMEBODY
HAD TO DIE IN THIS STORY.
THE FIRE HEATED THE KEG
TO 700 DEGREES CELSIUS.
THE PRESSURE INSIDE
WENT FROM 25 P.S.I.
TO 600 POUNDS OF BEER PRESSURE
PER SQUARE INCH.
THE SUPERHEATED KEG EXPLODED,
SENDING RAZOR-SHARP PIECES
OF ALUMINUM SHRAPNEL
DEEP INTO JOHN'S CHEST.
- COMPARING A HEATED KEG
TO AN EXPLODING DEVICE,
I THINK THE CLOSEST THING TO IT
WOULD BE
A GIANT HAND GRENADE ALMOST.
I THINK THAT'S REALLY
WHAT THAT BECAME,
BECAUSE IT CREATED SHRAPNEL
THAT COULD SEVER A LIMB
OR DO AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT
OF TISSUE DAMAGE
WHEN IT GOES
INSIDE THE BODY.
ANYONE WHO KNEW HIM,
THOUGHT JOHN
WAS A TOTAL DICK.
- YOU'RE LIKE
A GALAXY OF FRECKLES.
THE SILVER LINING
IN THIS BEER CLOUD...
AT LEAST HE DIDN'T TAKE
ANYONE ELSE WITH HIM.
IT WAS JUST
ANOTHER RAINY AFTERNOON.
JOE, TRICIA, LENA, AND ALICE
WERE BORED BEYOND BELIEF.
DRINKING BEER? THAT WAS
FOR THE FRAT-HOUSE CROWD.
THERE HAD TO BE
A BETTER WAY TO KILL TIME.
- HEY, GUYS!
- YEAH!
- LOOK WHAT I GOT!
AND THEN TOMMY
CAME TO THE RESCUE.
HE HAD SOME ACID,
L.S.D.
THEY MIGHT LOSE THEIR MINDS...
- YEAH!
BUT AT LEAST
THEY WON'T BE BORED.
- YEAH!
- L.S.D. IS LYSERGIC ACID
IT IS ACTUALLY ONE
OF THE MOST COMMON
AND MOST POTENT
HALLUCINOGENS.
IT'S SPECULATED TO WORK
ON THE CEREBRAL CORTEX
AND THE LOCUS COERULEUS.
THESE TWO AREAS
BEGIN TO CROSS,
SO IT GIVES THE USER
THE FEELING
THAT THEY'RE
ACTUALLY HEARING COLORS
OF THEY CAN ACTUALLY
FEEL SOUNDS.
TOMMY GAVE EACH OF HIS FRIENDS
A HIT
OF THE ACID-SOAKED PAPER.
- WAIT.
CAN I HAVE ONE MORE?
ALICE WANTED A SECOND DOSE.
SHE'D JUST BEEN DUMPED
BY HER BOYFRIEND
AND WAS LOOKING TO WIPE
HER SLATE CLEAN.
TWO HITS OF BLOTTER ACID
WOULD TAKE CARE OF THAT.
SOON ENOUGH, THE ACID
STARTED COMING ON,
AND THE GANG GOT GIGGLY.
OUTSIDE,
IT WAS COLD AND RAINY,
BUT INSIDE THEIR HEADS,
IT WAS WARM AND FUZZY.
THE POOL WAS EMPTY,
BUT THAT DIDN'T KEEP
THESE TRIPPERS
FROM TAKING A DIP.
IN THEIR MINDS,
THEY WERE SWIMMING.
- THE USE
OF HALLUCINOGENIC DRUGS
IS REALLY COMMON.
IT'S A BIG PROBLEM,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE PEOPLE
THAT, ARE
NOT IN THE REGULAR REALITY.
SO THEY WILL, YOU KNOW,
SEE THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE,
AND THEY WILL START
TO, DO ACTIONS
IN THE REAL WORLD THAT
CORRESPOND TO THESE FANTASIES.
- HEY, GUYS!
- ALICE!
ALICE, COME IN!
JUMP IN! JUMP IN!
THE WATER'S GREAT!
JUMP IN!
TWO-HIT ALICE
HAD GONE OFF THE DEEP END.
- ALICE.
COME ON, ALICE.
AND THEN SHE JUMPED OFF IT.
A PERFECT BELLY FLOP
INTO A WATERLESS POOL
WILL POP ANYONE'S LIFE BULB.
THE IMPACT SHATTERED
HER SPINAL COLUMN,
CUTTING OFF
HER PHRENIC NERVE,
WHICH POWERS THE DIAPHRAGM.
HER LUNGS
STOPPED FUNCTIONING,
AND SHE DIED
IN LESS THAN A MINUTE.
IF YOU EVER GET THE NOTION
THAT TAKING TWO HITS
OF ACID IS A GOOD IDEA...
GO ASK ALICE.
UP NEXT...
- I'LL PROTECT YOU.
AN ECO-WARRIOR MEETS HIS MATCH.
NO! NO! NO! NO!
NO!
DEEP
IN THE MONTANA WILDERNESS,
A LOGGING CREW
IS HARD AT WORK.
CHAIN SAWS AND CRASHING TREES
ECHO THROUGHOUT THE FOREST.
IT'S THE BATTLE
BETWEEN MAN AND NATURE,
AND MAN IS WINNING...
EXCEPT FOR ONE TREE
AND ONE MAN WHO DECIDED
TO TAKE A STAND.
HE CALLS HIMSELF "ROOT DOG."
HE'S LASHED HIMSELF
TO A BIG-OLD OAK
AND IS PREPARED TO DEFEND IT
WITH HIS LIFE.
- DON'T BE SCARED.
NO-- NO TEARS. NO...
THE ONLY PROBLEM,
ROOT DOG IS NUTTIER
THAN THE ORGANIC GRANOLA
HE EATS EVERY MORNING.
- I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I'LL PROTECT YOU.
YES, I WILL.
I'LL PROTECT YOU.
WHEN THE LOGGERS
FINALLY SHOW UP,
ROOT DOG RANTS...
- MURDERERS!
AND RAVES...
- YOU GREEDY, MEAT-SUCKING
BLOOD VESSELS.
AND THE LOGGERS WANDER OFF,
SHAKING THEIR HEADS.
THERE'S PLENTY OF OTHER TREES
TO CUT DOWN.
- I FEEL...
THEN ANOTHER FRIEND
OF THE FOREST SHOWS UP.
- GO ON, SHOO.
GO! NO, NO!
NO! NO!
MR. GRIZZLY BEAR
LOVES NATURE LOVERS.
NO! NO! NO!
HE MAKES A NICE MEAL
OUT OF THE CRUNCHY, MUNCHY
TREE HUGGER.
- YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND
THAT A BEAR IS AN OMNIVORE.
HE'LL TAKE AND EAT
ANYTHING HE CAN.
THE BEAR DOESN'T CARE
WHAT PART IT EATS EITHER.
IT GOES RIGHT DOWN
ON ROOT DOG'S ROOT.
- GET OUT!
I NEED THAT! I NEED THAT!
GET OFF! GO! GET OFF!
- YOU CAN SEE THE BEAR
IS NOT INTIMIDATED.
THE BEAR'S IN NO RUSH.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE TIED TO A TREE,
SO, EVENTUALLY,
HE'S GONNA GO CRUNCH,
AND THEN HE'S GOING,
"THAT TASTED PRETTY GOOD
AND WAS VERY EASY."
AND SO HE'LL START
PULLING ON PIECES.
YOU'RE GONNA BECOME LUNCH.
NO!
- THOSE GUYS THAT WANT
TO BECOME ONE WITH THE ANIMALS,
THEY DO.
ROOT DOG BELIEVED IN NATURE.
- I'LL PROTECT YOU.
IN THE END,
YOU CAN SAY THAT NATURE WAS...
- GO AWAY! GO AWAY!
WELL-SERVED.
IT'S ORIGINAL