1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 1 - Death on Arrival - full transcript
1000 Ways to Die looks at the following cases: "#948 Titty Titty, Bang Bang" a woman with new breast implants dies when her breasts explode on an airline flight, "#714 Forked-Up" a man is cut in half when a cable he wraps himself around gets caught on a forklift, "#590 Unintented" a woman in a tent is blown off a mountain by a strong gust of wind, "#123 Tali-Bombed" a terrorist dies because he sets a bomb after forgetting about Daylight Savings Time, "#515 Vike-O-Done" a Viking dies after getting an infection from the bite of a beheaded corpse, "#444 Deadliest Munch" a woman dies after choking on edible underwear, "#913 Dead Meat-eorite" a man is killed by a falling meteor from the sky.
HERE'S ONE FOR YOU.
- GO.
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
WHAT DO YOU GET
WHEN YOU MIX A GIRL
WHO'S TOO TENSE...
A VIKING
WITH A HEAD FOR BUSINESS...
TWO TERRORISTS
WHO ARE HAVING A BLAST...
A COUPLE OF STONERS
WHO GET REALLY RIPPED...
A LOVER WHO TOOK A LICKIN'...
A DUDE WHO GOT SPACED OUT...
AND A GIRL WHO HAD ENORMOUS...
- MY GOD!
- LUNG CAPACITY?
- THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB
IN HER CHEST!
YOU GET
A BRAND-NEW EPISODE
OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS...
TOXINS...
INJURY...
ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...
WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
CONNIE WAS IN A FUNK.
THE ACTING CAREER SHE IMAGINED
HADN'T PANNED OUT.
HER BEST PERFORMANCE SO FAR
WAS PRETENDING TO BE AWAKE
AT HER TEMP JOBS.
DESPERATE FOR A CHANGE,
SHE WAS READY TO SELL OUT.
HER PLAN--
BECOME A STRIPPER.
SHE LACKED ONLY ONE--
MAKE THAT
TWO THINGS TO GET GOING.
- MOTIVATIONS
THAT DRIVE YOUNG LADIES
TO HAVE EXTRAORDINARY
LARGE BREAST IMPLANTS
STEMS FROM OFTEN THE DESIRE
TO FEEL ACCEPTED,
WHICH DOES INSPIRE
A LOT OF YOUNG LADIES
TO OVERLY ENHANCE
THEIR PHYSIQUE.
CONNIE SURFED THE INTERNET
FOR THE CHEAPEST BOOB JOB
SHE COULD AFFORD.
SHE FOUND IT.
- OKAY, JUST TELL ME
WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT.
- I WANT STRIPPER BOOBS, OKAY?
I WANT MELONS.
I WANT GAZONKAS, BONKERS.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE MY FEET,
JUST THE BIGGEST
YOU CAN MAKE THEM.
- YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
THIS QUACK
WOULD DO ANYTHING
AS LONG AS YOU PAID CASH.
- I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU
THE BIGGEST TATAS
IN ALL OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
- OKAY.
- NOW LET'S GO AHEAD
AND CUT THIS BIMBO OPEN.
TWO WEEKS LATER,
CONNIE BOARDED A FLIGHT TO VEGAS
A NEW WOMAN.
- DAMN.
AS SHE TOOK HER SEAT,
SHE COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE
ALL THE DOUBLE TAKES
ON HER DOUBLE "D"s.
- DAD!
- SORRY.
- HI.
- HI.
- MA'AM, YOU MIND
IF I PUT YOUR ARMREST DOWN?
- THANKS.
- ANYTIME.
THE PLANE TOOK OFF,
AND CONNIE COULD FEEL IT.
HER LUCK WAS CHANGING.
WHAT SHE REALLY FELT
WAS THE STIRRING
OF AIR BUBBLES
AND OTHER GASES TRAPPED
IN HER NEW KNOCKERS.
TURNS OUT SHE GOT
WHAT SHE PAID FOR.
HER PLASTIC SURGEON
HAD USED SUBSTANDARD IMPLANTS,
BARELY ONE STEP
ABOVE WATER BALLOONS.
THEY HAD NO BUSINESS WINDING UP
INSIDE A WOMAN'S CHEST.
- CERTAIN GASES ACTUALLY HAVE
A LOWER DENSITY
THAN OTHER GASES,
AND SO SOME GASES ACTUALLY
CAN EXPAND TO A GREATER AMOUNT
AND TO APPLY GREATER PRESSURE
AS THE ALTITUDE CHANGES.
AS THE PLANE CLIMBED OUT,
THE GURGLING NOISE
GREW LOUDER.
- MY GOD!
AAH!
MY GOD!
HER LOVELY LADY LUMPS
STARTED EXPANDING
AT AN ALARMING RATE.
THEY GREW
TO RIDICULOUS PROPORTIONS.
- THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB
IN HER CHEST!
- CALM DOWN!
CALM DOWN!
- WE'RE GONNA DIE!
WHEN THE PLANE
HIT 20,000 FEET...
- A YOUNG LADY GETTING
ON AN AIRPLANE
WHO HAS
EXTREMELY LARGE IMPLANTS--
SHE'S GOING TO BE EXPOSED
TO A SLIGHTLY LOWER
ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE,
WHICH COULD LEAD TO FAILURE
AND CATASTROPHIC OUTCOME.
CONNIE THOUGHT BIGGER BOOBS
WOULD GIVE HER
A NEW LEASE ON LIFE.
TOO BAD DEATH STEPPED IN
AND POPPED HER BALLOONS.
MANY IN THE MODERN-DAY WORKFORCE
START OFF EACH DAY
WITH A HEALTHY BOWL OF...
HIGH-GRADE MARIJUANA.
FOR BERNIE AND CAESAR,
THIS WAS THEIR BREAKFAST
OF CHAMPIONS.
- WOW.
BUT WHEN SOME WORKERS
GET HIGH ON THE JOB,
THEY DON'T WORK.
THEY PLAY.
- YEAH!
WHOO-HOO!
A ROPE AND A FORKLIFT
IS ALL THESE TWO NEED
TO GET GIGGLY.
- YEAH!
WHILE CAESAR WAS
DIGGING HIS LATEST MIXTAPE,
THE ROPE STOPPED.
THE FORKLIFT DIDN'T,
AND BERNIE WAS CAUGHT
IN THE MIDDLE.
- IF SOMEBODY HAS A ROPE AROUND
THEIR TORSO
AND THE FORCE IS SO GREAT THAT
YOU ACTUALLY SEVER YOUR TORSO,
ALL THE GASTROINTESTINAL
CONTENTS
ARE JUST GOING
TO FLY EVERYWHERE.
SO ALL THE FECAL MATTER,
ALL THE INTESTINAL JUICES,
ALL THE HALF-DIGESTED FOOD.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
ABOUT SEVEN GALLONS OF GUNK
JUST SPLATTERING EVERYWHERE.
WHOO!
BERNIE AND CAESAR
THOUGHT GETTING HIGH AT WORK
WAS FUN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW, BERNIE?
COMING UP...
A HAPPY CAMPER...
TAKES FLIGHT.
AND BOMB MAKING
CAN BE BACKBREAKING,
ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER BONE
IN YOUR BODY.
- NO!
BRAD LOVED NATURE.
THAT'S WHY HE TOOK HIS
NEW GIRLFRIEND, FIONA, CAMPING
ON THEIR FIRST DATE.
- I LOVE THIS PLACE.
I CAME OUT HERE
WHEN I WAS A KID.
- REALLY?
BUT FIONA WANTED TO EXPLORE
A DIFFERENT ASPECT OF NATURE.
- DO YOU BELIEVE IN, SEX
ON A FIRST DATE?
YEAH.
YEAH.
OKAY, NOW HARDER.
HARDER!
BRAD THOUGHT HE WAS
GOING TO COMMUNE WITH NATURE...
- HARDER!
- BUT WOUND UP
WITH ONE OF NATURE'S
MOST VORACIOUS PREDATORS...
- OTHER HOLE.
OTHER HOLE.
A NYMPHOMANIAC.
- HARDER!
HARDER!
IS THIS, LIKE,
YOUR FIRST TIME?
- NO, IT'S, LIKE, MY FIFTH.
- MY GOD!
BRAD'S INEPT PERFORMANCE
LED TO PREMATURE EJECTION.
- JUST LEAVE.
GET OUT.
- FINE.
- TAKE YOUR STUFF.
GO.
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
FRUSTRATED...
FIONA WENT BACK IN THE TENT
TO FINISH HERSELF OFF.
SHE WAS A ROCKET
ABOUT TO LAUNCH,
AND SHE KNEW
EXACTLY WHICH BUTTON TO PUSH.
BUT JUST
AS SHE REACHED LIFTOFF,
A FREAK WIND BLEW IN
AND LIFTED HER OFF.
GOD!
- THE WIND IS BLOWING
AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE TENT,
AND IT'S PROBABLY TRYING TO PUSH
THE SIDE OF THE TENT OVER.
THEN AS SOON AS THE WIND
GETS UNDERNEATH
AND PUSHES THE FRAME
OF THE TENT FROM BELOW--
AND THEN IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME
IDEA OF AIRPLANE FLIGHT.
A MILE DOWN THE MOUNTAIN,
FIONA'S MAGIC-CARPET RIDE
ENDED WITH A BANG.
- WHEN YOUR HEAD IS CRUSHED,
IT'S NOT LIKE GALLAGHER
CRUSHING A WATERMELON.
IT DOESN'T EXPLODE PIECES
OF BRAIN EVERYWHERE
MOST OF THE TIME,
BECAUSE IT HAS A COVERING
AROUND IT.
SO IT'S BASICALLY
LIKE A WATERMELON
INSIDE OF A BOWLING-BALL CASE.
FIONA GOT OFF, TOOK OFF,
AND NEVER CAME BACK.
EVERYBODY'S GOT TO WORK,
INCLUDING ABDUL AND HABIB.
THE ONLY THING
THAT SETS THEM APART--
THEY'RE TERRORISTS.
TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT--
BLOW UP A POLICE STATION.
A SUITCASE FULL
OF PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE, C-4,
SHOULD DO THE TRICK.
ABDUL AND HABIB
ARE NOT SUICIDE BOMBERS.
THEY ARE MORE THAN HAPPY
TO LET OTHERS FILL THAT ROLE.
THEY'D RATHER BUILD BOMBS
AND TALK
ABOUT THEIR FAVORITE TOPIC--
WESTERN POPULAR CULTURE.
- SEINFELD.
SEINFELD.
- JERRY SEINFELD!
MILEY CYRUS?
WHOA.
- MILEY CYRUS, GOOD.
- CAMERON DIAZ.
- CAMERON DIAZ, GOOD.
GOOD.
MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE...
ANGELINA JONES.
HIGH FIVE!
- I KNOW.
YEAH.
THEY MOVE ON
TO THE NEXT STEP--
CONNECTING THE EXPLOSIVES
TO A GPS TIMING DEVICE.
ABDUL CHECKS HIS WATCH
AND SETS IT TO BLOW UP
AN HOUR LATER.
BY THAT TIME,
THEY'LL BE WATCHING
THE RESULTS OF THEIR DIRTY WORK
ON AL JAZEERA.
- GOOD TO GO.
- GOOD TO GO.
- NO!
WITH DAYLIGHT
SAVINGS TIME IN EFFECT,
IT WAS ALREADY 1:45--
THE TIME ABDUL
HAD SET IT TO GO OFF.
IT ONLY TOOK A FEW SECONDS
FOR THE GPS TIMER
TO CONNECT TO THE SATELLITE
AND RESET THE CLOCK
TO THE CORRECT TIME,
WHICH WAS NOW.
- THE PRIMARY BLAST
OF THE ACTUAL EXPLOSIVE FORCE
THAT HE WAS EXPOSED TO,
FIRST, WOULD OBVIOUSLY AFFECT
HIS HANDS.
THEY WOULD FRACTURE HIS FINGERS
RIGHT BEFORE
DISINTEGRATING THEM.
HIS FOREARM WOULD THEN BE
OBLITERATED AND PULVERIZED.
AND THEN AS THE BLAST WAVE
GOT LARGER,
HIS CHEST WOULD BE EXPOSED TO IT
AND HIS HEAD AS WELL.
IN DEATH,
ABDUL AND HABIB
LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON
ABOUT LIFE--
IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING.
UP NEXT...
A VIKING STORY THAT WILL LEAVE
YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS GOOD EATIN'
IN THIS COUPLE'S KITCHEN.
SIGURD
WAS NO ORDINARY VIKING.
AN ABOVE-AVERAGE RAPER
AND FOUR-STAR PLUNDERER,
HE LEFT A TRAIL OF MAYHEM
AND DEATH WHEREVER HE WENT.
HE WAS KNOWN
THROUGHOUT THE NORSE LAND
AS ONE WHO WENT BERSERK.
- THERE WAS A VERY SPECIALIZED
TYPE OF VIKING
THAT COULD GO BERSERK.
THIS WAS A SUPER HIGHLY ELEVATED
FORM OF COURAGE
THAT JUST COULDN'T BE BOUND.
IN A BATTLE FOR THE AGES,
SIGURD MET UP
WITH HIS GREATEST FOE--
MALBREICHT OF ROMSDAL.
SIGURD PROVED
THE FIERCER FIGHTER
AND CUT OFF MALBREICHT'S HEAD.
IT WAS SAID ALL OF NORWAY
HEARD HIS SHOUT OF VICTORY.
- IN VIKING TIMES, CUTTING OFF
THE HEAD CLEARLY STATES,
"IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT ME
AS LEADER,
THIS IS WHAT'S LIKELY
TO HAPPEN TO YOU."
BUT MALBREICHT
WASN'T DONE FIGHTING.
THE DEAD MAN'S
HEAD SUNK ITS TEETH
INTO SIGURD'S MASSIVE THIGH.
HE SET OUT FOR HOME,
BUT ALONG THE WAY,
THE BITE MARKS EXPANDED
TO A DEEP AND FESTERING WOUND.
- A HUMAN MOUTH
IS THE MOST CONTAMINATED
COLLECTION OF BACTERIA
THAT REALLY EXISTS
ANYWHERE WITHIN THE WORLD.
SO BACTERIA WOULD JUST ENTER
YOUR BLOODSTREAM
AND JUST START REPLICATING
FROM JUST ONE BACTERIA
TO MILLIONS OVERNIGHT.
TEN DAYS LATER,
SIGURD REACHED THE STAIRS
TO HIS VILLAGE,
BUT HIS FATE WAS SEALED.
IT WOULD BE ANOTHER 800 YEARS
BEFORE ANTIBIOTICS
WERE INVENTED.
THE INFECTION SPREAD
THROUGH SIGURD'S BLOODSTREAM.
VIKINGS BELIEVED,
IF SLAIN IN BATTLE,
THEY WENT TO ODIN'S
GREAT HALL CALLED VALHALLA.
- SLAIN BY A DEAD MAN.
WELCOME TO VALHALLA, BIG GUY.
TONYA AND SASHA
WERE A SAME-SEX COUPLE.
- HEY, BABY.
SASHA BROUGHT HOME THE BACON,
WHILE TONYA PLAYED
THE SMOKING-HOT HOUSEWIFE.
- I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
BUT TODAY THE SMOKE WAS COMING
FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
TONYA WAS HOTTER
THAN A MICROWAVE.
- I AM SO SORRY.
SHE JUST COULDN'T COOK.
DINNER WAS BURNT,
BUT TONYA KNEW HOW TO BUTTER
HER BREADWINNER.
- I DID MAKE DESSERT.
A GOURMET BODY
WITH A STRING-CANDY TOPPING--
THE PERFECT SNACK
FOR SASHA'S SWEET TOOTH.
- I THINK THE EDIBLE UNDERWEAR
FITS INTO A SEXUAL ACT,
BUT IT'S MORE LIKE A TEASER.
IT'S, LIKE, THE BUILDING UP.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
YOU'RE NIBBLING ON THE BODY,
WARMING THE PERSON UP,
GETTING THEM REALLY AROUSED
BEFORE THE HARDER STUFF COMES.
AT THE CRUCIAL MOMENT,
THE CANDY G-STRING SNAPPED,
SASHA SLURPED...
AND DINNER WAS OVER.
- BABY, ARE YOU OKAY?
- CHEWING IS
A VERY VOLUNTARY ACTION,
BUT THE MOMENT
THEY DECIDE TO SWALLOW,
EVERYTHING IS INVOLUNTARY.
THE FOOD PARTICLE WAS TAKEN
BACK INTO THE PHARYNX
AT THE SAME TIME
THAT SHE WANTED TO BREATH,
PROBABLY FROM BEING EXCITED
AND GASPING AND WHATNOT,
AND ENDED UP ESSENTIALLY GOING
DOWN THE WRONG PIPE,
ENTERING THE TRACHEA.
SHE'LL BE UNABLE TO BREATHE.
OXYGEN WILL CONTINUE TO BE
DEPRIVED IN THE BRAIN,
AND SHE'LL JUST DIE
OF BRAIN DEATH.
THE CHICKEN TOOK A LICKIN'...
TONYA'S CANDY WAS DANDY...
BUT IN THE END,
SASHA WOUND UP DEAD MEAT.
WE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST--
RARE FOOTAGE OF A METEOR
JUST PASSING THROUGH.
SOME PEOPLE SEE
THEIR DEATH COMING A MILE AWAY.
OTHERS NEVER SEE IT AT ALL.
BUT WHEN THE UNIVERSE DECIDES
IT'S YOUR TIME TO GO,
THERE'S NOT MUCH
YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
- THREE, TWO, ONE!
IT WAS JUST ANOTHER PARTY
IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY...
A TIME TO GET WASTED...
A CHANCE TO HOOK UP...
OR, FOR STAN, AN OPPORTUNITY
TO BADGER PEOPLE
WITH HIS PERSONAL BELIEFS.
- I'M STARTING THIS, UM--
THIS-- THIS PRAYER GROUP.
UM, TOMORROW'S ACTUALLY
OUR FIRST DAY.
- HEY, EXCUSE ME, DORK, BUT I'M
TRYING TO GET LAID HERE, SO...
- NO, THANKS.
- LAID?
IT WAS THE WRONG
TIME AND THE WRONG PLACE
FOR PREACHING,
AND EVERYONE LET HIM KNOW.
- JUST GET OVER THERE.
THE UNIVERSE
PREFERS ORDER OVER CHAOS,
AND STAN WAS A SPEED BUMP
IN THE COSMIC FLOW,
SO THE COSMOS
DISPATCHED A HIT MAN.
- A SMALL METEORITE
WEIGHING A COUPLE OF OUNCES
WOULD BE THE EQUIVALENT
OF AN ARTILLERY SHELL
IN TERMS OF ENERGY.
TRAVELING
AT AN EXTREMELY HIGH VELOCITY,
EVEN A SMALL OBJECT
WITH A LIGHT MASS
CARRIES TREMENDOUS ENERGY.
THE PENETRATION
WOULD BE ENORMOUS.
BACK ON EARTH,
STAN WAS AN OPEN CAN
OF BUZZKILL.
- HEY...
NICE NIGHT.
- YEAH, IT WAS.
LITTLE DID HE KNOW,
HE WAS ABOUT TO RECEIVE
A 400-MILE-AN-HOUR
COSMIC SUCKER PUNCH.
THE SMALL METEOR
PASSED THROUGH HIS BODY
AND EXPLODED
IN THE POOL BEHIND HIM.
STAN WAS DEAD
BEFORE HE HIT THE GROUND.
- IN A PENETRATING INJURY
LIKE THIS,
THERE'S BASICALLY
A DIRECT CRUSHING AND CUTTING
OF EVERYTHING
IN THE PROJECTILE'S PATH.
IF THERE'S A BIG HOLE IN A BIG
NON-COMPRESSIBLE BLOOD VESSEL,
SOMEONE CAN EXSANGUINATE
WITHIN A MINUTE.
STAN SHOWED UP ALONE,
LOOKING
FOR A LIKE-MINDED SOUL.
LITTLE DID HE KNOW,
HE HAD A DATE WITH FATE.
- IT'S ORIGINAL.
- GO.
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
WHAT DO YOU GET
WHEN YOU MIX A GIRL
WHO'S TOO TENSE...
A VIKING
WITH A HEAD FOR BUSINESS...
TWO TERRORISTS
WHO ARE HAVING A BLAST...
A COUPLE OF STONERS
WHO GET REALLY RIPPED...
A LOVER WHO TOOK A LICKIN'...
A DUDE WHO GOT SPACED OUT...
AND A GIRL WHO HAD ENORMOUS...
- MY GOD!
- LUNG CAPACITY?
- THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB
IN HER CHEST!
YOU GET
A BRAND-NEW EPISODE
OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS...
TOXINS...
INJURY...
ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...
WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
CONNIE WAS IN A FUNK.
THE ACTING CAREER SHE IMAGINED
HADN'T PANNED OUT.
HER BEST PERFORMANCE SO FAR
WAS PRETENDING TO BE AWAKE
AT HER TEMP JOBS.
DESPERATE FOR A CHANGE,
SHE WAS READY TO SELL OUT.
HER PLAN--
BECOME A STRIPPER.
SHE LACKED ONLY ONE--
MAKE THAT
TWO THINGS TO GET GOING.
- MOTIVATIONS
THAT DRIVE YOUNG LADIES
TO HAVE EXTRAORDINARY
LARGE BREAST IMPLANTS
STEMS FROM OFTEN THE DESIRE
TO FEEL ACCEPTED,
WHICH DOES INSPIRE
A LOT OF YOUNG LADIES
TO OVERLY ENHANCE
THEIR PHYSIQUE.
CONNIE SURFED THE INTERNET
FOR THE CHEAPEST BOOB JOB
SHE COULD AFFORD.
SHE FOUND IT.
- OKAY, JUST TELL ME
WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT.
- I WANT STRIPPER BOOBS, OKAY?
I WANT MELONS.
I WANT GAZONKAS, BONKERS.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE MY FEET,
JUST THE BIGGEST
YOU CAN MAKE THEM.
- YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
THIS QUACK
WOULD DO ANYTHING
AS LONG AS YOU PAID CASH.
- I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU
THE BIGGEST TATAS
IN ALL OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
- OKAY.
- NOW LET'S GO AHEAD
AND CUT THIS BIMBO OPEN.
TWO WEEKS LATER,
CONNIE BOARDED A FLIGHT TO VEGAS
A NEW WOMAN.
- DAMN.
AS SHE TOOK HER SEAT,
SHE COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE
ALL THE DOUBLE TAKES
ON HER DOUBLE "D"s.
- DAD!
- SORRY.
- HI.
- HI.
- MA'AM, YOU MIND
IF I PUT YOUR ARMREST DOWN?
- THANKS.
- ANYTIME.
THE PLANE TOOK OFF,
AND CONNIE COULD FEEL IT.
HER LUCK WAS CHANGING.
WHAT SHE REALLY FELT
WAS THE STIRRING
OF AIR BUBBLES
AND OTHER GASES TRAPPED
IN HER NEW KNOCKERS.
TURNS OUT SHE GOT
WHAT SHE PAID FOR.
HER PLASTIC SURGEON
HAD USED SUBSTANDARD IMPLANTS,
BARELY ONE STEP
ABOVE WATER BALLOONS.
THEY HAD NO BUSINESS WINDING UP
INSIDE A WOMAN'S CHEST.
- CERTAIN GASES ACTUALLY HAVE
A LOWER DENSITY
THAN OTHER GASES,
AND SO SOME GASES ACTUALLY
CAN EXPAND TO A GREATER AMOUNT
AND TO APPLY GREATER PRESSURE
AS THE ALTITUDE CHANGES.
AS THE PLANE CLIMBED OUT,
THE GURGLING NOISE
GREW LOUDER.
- MY GOD!
AAH!
MY GOD!
HER LOVELY LADY LUMPS
STARTED EXPANDING
AT AN ALARMING RATE.
THEY GREW
TO RIDICULOUS PROPORTIONS.
- THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB
IN HER CHEST!
- CALM DOWN!
CALM DOWN!
- WE'RE GONNA DIE!
WHEN THE PLANE
HIT 20,000 FEET...
- A YOUNG LADY GETTING
ON AN AIRPLANE
WHO HAS
EXTREMELY LARGE IMPLANTS--
SHE'S GOING TO BE EXPOSED
TO A SLIGHTLY LOWER
ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE,
WHICH COULD LEAD TO FAILURE
AND CATASTROPHIC OUTCOME.
CONNIE THOUGHT BIGGER BOOBS
WOULD GIVE HER
A NEW LEASE ON LIFE.
TOO BAD DEATH STEPPED IN
AND POPPED HER BALLOONS.
MANY IN THE MODERN-DAY WORKFORCE
START OFF EACH DAY
WITH A HEALTHY BOWL OF...
HIGH-GRADE MARIJUANA.
FOR BERNIE AND CAESAR,
THIS WAS THEIR BREAKFAST
OF CHAMPIONS.
- WOW.
BUT WHEN SOME WORKERS
GET HIGH ON THE JOB,
THEY DON'T WORK.
THEY PLAY.
- YEAH!
WHOO-HOO!
A ROPE AND A FORKLIFT
IS ALL THESE TWO NEED
TO GET GIGGLY.
- YEAH!
WHILE CAESAR WAS
DIGGING HIS LATEST MIXTAPE,
THE ROPE STOPPED.
THE FORKLIFT DIDN'T,
AND BERNIE WAS CAUGHT
IN THE MIDDLE.
- IF SOMEBODY HAS A ROPE AROUND
THEIR TORSO
AND THE FORCE IS SO GREAT THAT
YOU ACTUALLY SEVER YOUR TORSO,
ALL THE GASTROINTESTINAL
CONTENTS
ARE JUST GOING
TO FLY EVERYWHERE.
SO ALL THE FECAL MATTER,
ALL THE INTESTINAL JUICES,
ALL THE HALF-DIGESTED FOOD.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
ABOUT SEVEN GALLONS OF GUNK
JUST SPLATTERING EVERYWHERE.
WHOO!
BERNIE AND CAESAR
THOUGHT GETTING HIGH AT WORK
WAS FUN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW, BERNIE?
COMING UP...
A HAPPY CAMPER...
TAKES FLIGHT.
AND BOMB MAKING
CAN BE BACKBREAKING,
ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER BONE
IN YOUR BODY.
- NO!
BRAD LOVED NATURE.
THAT'S WHY HE TOOK HIS
NEW GIRLFRIEND, FIONA, CAMPING
ON THEIR FIRST DATE.
- I LOVE THIS PLACE.
I CAME OUT HERE
WHEN I WAS A KID.
- REALLY?
BUT FIONA WANTED TO EXPLORE
A DIFFERENT ASPECT OF NATURE.
- DO YOU BELIEVE IN, SEX
ON A FIRST DATE?
YEAH.
YEAH.
OKAY, NOW HARDER.
HARDER!
BRAD THOUGHT HE WAS
GOING TO COMMUNE WITH NATURE...
- HARDER!
- BUT WOUND UP
WITH ONE OF NATURE'S
MOST VORACIOUS PREDATORS...
- OTHER HOLE.
OTHER HOLE.
A NYMPHOMANIAC.
- HARDER!
HARDER!
IS THIS, LIKE,
YOUR FIRST TIME?
- NO, IT'S, LIKE, MY FIFTH.
- MY GOD!
BRAD'S INEPT PERFORMANCE
LED TO PREMATURE EJECTION.
- JUST LEAVE.
GET OUT.
- FINE.
- TAKE YOUR STUFF.
GO.
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
FRUSTRATED...
FIONA WENT BACK IN THE TENT
TO FINISH HERSELF OFF.
SHE WAS A ROCKET
ABOUT TO LAUNCH,
AND SHE KNEW
EXACTLY WHICH BUTTON TO PUSH.
BUT JUST
AS SHE REACHED LIFTOFF,
A FREAK WIND BLEW IN
AND LIFTED HER OFF.
GOD!
- THE WIND IS BLOWING
AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE TENT,
AND IT'S PROBABLY TRYING TO PUSH
THE SIDE OF THE TENT OVER.
THEN AS SOON AS THE WIND
GETS UNDERNEATH
AND PUSHES THE FRAME
OF THE TENT FROM BELOW--
AND THEN IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME
IDEA OF AIRPLANE FLIGHT.
A MILE DOWN THE MOUNTAIN,
FIONA'S MAGIC-CARPET RIDE
ENDED WITH A BANG.
- WHEN YOUR HEAD IS CRUSHED,
IT'S NOT LIKE GALLAGHER
CRUSHING A WATERMELON.
IT DOESN'T EXPLODE PIECES
OF BRAIN EVERYWHERE
MOST OF THE TIME,
BECAUSE IT HAS A COVERING
AROUND IT.
SO IT'S BASICALLY
LIKE A WATERMELON
INSIDE OF A BOWLING-BALL CASE.
FIONA GOT OFF, TOOK OFF,
AND NEVER CAME BACK.
EVERYBODY'S GOT TO WORK,
INCLUDING ABDUL AND HABIB.
THE ONLY THING
THAT SETS THEM APART--
THEY'RE TERRORISTS.
TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT--
BLOW UP A POLICE STATION.
A SUITCASE FULL
OF PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE, C-4,
SHOULD DO THE TRICK.
ABDUL AND HABIB
ARE NOT SUICIDE BOMBERS.
THEY ARE MORE THAN HAPPY
TO LET OTHERS FILL THAT ROLE.
THEY'D RATHER BUILD BOMBS
AND TALK
ABOUT THEIR FAVORITE TOPIC--
WESTERN POPULAR CULTURE.
- SEINFELD.
SEINFELD.
- JERRY SEINFELD!
MILEY CYRUS?
WHOA.
- MILEY CYRUS, GOOD.
- CAMERON DIAZ.
- CAMERON DIAZ, GOOD.
GOOD.
MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE...
ANGELINA JONES.
HIGH FIVE!
- I KNOW.
YEAH.
THEY MOVE ON
TO THE NEXT STEP--
CONNECTING THE EXPLOSIVES
TO A GPS TIMING DEVICE.
ABDUL CHECKS HIS WATCH
AND SETS IT TO BLOW UP
AN HOUR LATER.
BY THAT TIME,
THEY'LL BE WATCHING
THE RESULTS OF THEIR DIRTY WORK
ON AL JAZEERA.
- GOOD TO GO.
- GOOD TO GO.
- NO!
WITH DAYLIGHT
SAVINGS TIME IN EFFECT,
IT WAS ALREADY 1:45--
THE TIME ABDUL
HAD SET IT TO GO OFF.
IT ONLY TOOK A FEW SECONDS
FOR THE GPS TIMER
TO CONNECT TO THE SATELLITE
AND RESET THE CLOCK
TO THE CORRECT TIME,
WHICH WAS NOW.
- THE PRIMARY BLAST
OF THE ACTUAL EXPLOSIVE FORCE
THAT HE WAS EXPOSED TO,
FIRST, WOULD OBVIOUSLY AFFECT
HIS HANDS.
THEY WOULD FRACTURE HIS FINGERS
RIGHT BEFORE
DISINTEGRATING THEM.
HIS FOREARM WOULD THEN BE
OBLITERATED AND PULVERIZED.
AND THEN AS THE BLAST WAVE
GOT LARGER,
HIS CHEST WOULD BE EXPOSED TO IT
AND HIS HEAD AS WELL.
IN DEATH,
ABDUL AND HABIB
LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON
ABOUT LIFE--
IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING.
UP NEXT...
A VIKING STORY THAT WILL LEAVE
YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS GOOD EATIN'
IN THIS COUPLE'S KITCHEN.
SIGURD
WAS NO ORDINARY VIKING.
AN ABOVE-AVERAGE RAPER
AND FOUR-STAR PLUNDERER,
HE LEFT A TRAIL OF MAYHEM
AND DEATH WHEREVER HE WENT.
HE WAS KNOWN
THROUGHOUT THE NORSE LAND
AS ONE WHO WENT BERSERK.
- THERE WAS A VERY SPECIALIZED
TYPE OF VIKING
THAT COULD GO BERSERK.
THIS WAS A SUPER HIGHLY ELEVATED
FORM OF COURAGE
THAT JUST COULDN'T BE BOUND.
IN A BATTLE FOR THE AGES,
SIGURD MET UP
WITH HIS GREATEST FOE--
MALBREICHT OF ROMSDAL.
SIGURD PROVED
THE FIERCER FIGHTER
AND CUT OFF MALBREICHT'S HEAD.
IT WAS SAID ALL OF NORWAY
HEARD HIS SHOUT OF VICTORY.
- IN VIKING TIMES, CUTTING OFF
THE HEAD CLEARLY STATES,
"IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT ME
AS LEADER,
THIS IS WHAT'S LIKELY
TO HAPPEN TO YOU."
BUT MALBREICHT
WASN'T DONE FIGHTING.
THE DEAD MAN'S
HEAD SUNK ITS TEETH
INTO SIGURD'S MASSIVE THIGH.
HE SET OUT FOR HOME,
BUT ALONG THE WAY,
THE BITE MARKS EXPANDED
TO A DEEP AND FESTERING WOUND.
- A HUMAN MOUTH
IS THE MOST CONTAMINATED
COLLECTION OF BACTERIA
THAT REALLY EXISTS
ANYWHERE WITHIN THE WORLD.
SO BACTERIA WOULD JUST ENTER
YOUR BLOODSTREAM
AND JUST START REPLICATING
FROM JUST ONE BACTERIA
TO MILLIONS OVERNIGHT.
TEN DAYS LATER,
SIGURD REACHED THE STAIRS
TO HIS VILLAGE,
BUT HIS FATE WAS SEALED.
IT WOULD BE ANOTHER 800 YEARS
BEFORE ANTIBIOTICS
WERE INVENTED.
THE INFECTION SPREAD
THROUGH SIGURD'S BLOODSTREAM.
VIKINGS BELIEVED,
IF SLAIN IN BATTLE,
THEY WENT TO ODIN'S
GREAT HALL CALLED VALHALLA.
- SLAIN BY A DEAD MAN.
WELCOME TO VALHALLA, BIG GUY.
TONYA AND SASHA
WERE A SAME-SEX COUPLE.
- HEY, BABY.
SASHA BROUGHT HOME THE BACON,
WHILE TONYA PLAYED
THE SMOKING-HOT HOUSEWIFE.
- I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
BUT TODAY THE SMOKE WAS COMING
FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
TONYA WAS HOTTER
THAN A MICROWAVE.
- I AM SO SORRY.
SHE JUST COULDN'T COOK.
DINNER WAS BURNT,
BUT TONYA KNEW HOW TO BUTTER
HER BREADWINNER.
- I DID MAKE DESSERT.
A GOURMET BODY
WITH A STRING-CANDY TOPPING--
THE PERFECT SNACK
FOR SASHA'S SWEET TOOTH.
- I THINK THE EDIBLE UNDERWEAR
FITS INTO A SEXUAL ACT,
BUT IT'S MORE LIKE A TEASER.
IT'S, LIKE, THE BUILDING UP.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
YOU'RE NIBBLING ON THE BODY,
WARMING THE PERSON UP,
GETTING THEM REALLY AROUSED
BEFORE THE HARDER STUFF COMES.
AT THE CRUCIAL MOMENT,
THE CANDY G-STRING SNAPPED,
SASHA SLURPED...
AND DINNER WAS OVER.
- BABY, ARE YOU OKAY?
- CHEWING IS
A VERY VOLUNTARY ACTION,
BUT THE MOMENT
THEY DECIDE TO SWALLOW,
EVERYTHING IS INVOLUNTARY.
THE FOOD PARTICLE WAS TAKEN
BACK INTO THE PHARYNX
AT THE SAME TIME
THAT SHE WANTED TO BREATH,
PROBABLY FROM BEING EXCITED
AND GASPING AND WHATNOT,
AND ENDED UP ESSENTIALLY GOING
DOWN THE WRONG PIPE,
ENTERING THE TRACHEA.
SHE'LL BE UNABLE TO BREATHE.
OXYGEN WILL CONTINUE TO BE
DEPRIVED IN THE BRAIN,
AND SHE'LL JUST DIE
OF BRAIN DEATH.
THE CHICKEN TOOK A LICKIN'...
TONYA'S CANDY WAS DANDY...
BUT IN THE END,
SASHA WOUND UP DEAD MEAT.
WE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST--
RARE FOOTAGE OF A METEOR
JUST PASSING THROUGH.
SOME PEOPLE SEE
THEIR DEATH COMING A MILE AWAY.
OTHERS NEVER SEE IT AT ALL.
BUT WHEN THE UNIVERSE DECIDES
IT'S YOUR TIME TO GO,
THERE'S NOT MUCH
YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
- THREE, TWO, ONE!
IT WAS JUST ANOTHER PARTY
IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY...
A TIME TO GET WASTED...
A CHANCE TO HOOK UP...
OR, FOR STAN, AN OPPORTUNITY
TO BADGER PEOPLE
WITH HIS PERSONAL BELIEFS.
- I'M STARTING THIS, UM--
THIS-- THIS PRAYER GROUP.
UM, TOMORROW'S ACTUALLY
OUR FIRST DAY.
- HEY, EXCUSE ME, DORK, BUT I'M
TRYING TO GET LAID HERE, SO...
- NO, THANKS.
- LAID?
IT WAS THE WRONG
TIME AND THE WRONG PLACE
FOR PREACHING,
AND EVERYONE LET HIM KNOW.
- JUST GET OVER THERE.
THE UNIVERSE
PREFERS ORDER OVER CHAOS,
AND STAN WAS A SPEED BUMP
IN THE COSMIC FLOW,
SO THE COSMOS
DISPATCHED A HIT MAN.
- A SMALL METEORITE
WEIGHING A COUPLE OF OUNCES
WOULD BE THE EQUIVALENT
OF AN ARTILLERY SHELL
IN TERMS OF ENERGY.
TRAVELING
AT AN EXTREMELY HIGH VELOCITY,
EVEN A SMALL OBJECT
WITH A LIGHT MASS
CARRIES TREMENDOUS ENERGY.
THE PENETRATION
WOULD BE ENORMOUS.
BACK ON EARTH,
STAN WAS AN OPEN CAN
OF BUZZKILL.
- HEY...
NICE NIGHT.
- YEAH, IT WAS.
LITTLE DID HE KNOW,
HE WAS ABOUT TO RECEIVE
A 400-MILE-AN-HOUR
COSMIC SUCKER PUNCH.
THE SMALL METEOR
PASSED THROUGH HIS BODY
AND EXPLODED
IN THE POOL BEHIND HIM.
STAN WAS DEAD
BEFORE HE HIT THE GROUND.
- IN A PENETRATING INJURY
LIKE THIS,
THERE'S BASICALLY
A DIRECT CRUSHING AND CUTTING
OF EVERYTHING
IN THE PROJECTILE'S PATH.
IF THERE'S A BIG HOLE IN A BIG
NON-COMPRESSIBLE BLOOD VESSEL,
SOMEONE CAN EXSANGUINATE
WITHIN A MINUTE.
STAN SHOWED UP ALONE,
LOOKING
FOR A LIKE-MINDED SOUL.
LITTLE DID HE KNOW,
HE HAD A DATE WITH FATE.
- IT'S ORIGINAL.