1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 9 - Death Be Not Stupid - full transcript

1000 Ways to Die looks at the following cases: "#502 Gas-Hole" a biker dies after drinking the gasoline in his motorcycle and throwing up in a fire, "#1 Ichiboned" a repressed Japanese couple dies from heart attacks when they first make love, #518 Jake N' Baked" a narcoleptic dies after falling asleep in an industrial oven, "#734 Die It" a woman dies after using tapeworms as a diet aid, "#499 Pained Gun" a boy is killed when a paint ball gun explode into his throat, and "#283 Deadliest Catch" an electrician fishing with a power line electrocutes himself. It also talks to a survivor of the ocean crash of a hijacked Ethiopian airliner.

Life's a bitch, then you

marry one, then you die,

Like the drunk biker who passed

some gas out the wrong end,

Or the shyest couple in the

history of coupling,

How 'bout the guy who fell

asleep on the job...

and never woke up?

or the paintballer who went

Bye-Bye during a drive-By,

Or what about the lady who tried

a new tapeworm diet?

And then there's the guy in the

boat who was shocked to


I'm not a fisherman, I'm an


After all this, one thing is

perfectly CLEAR:

Life will kill ya,

Death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

others can't get out of its way,

Every day we fight a new war

against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up


The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live, we

face 1,000 ways to die,

Cisco is on the Lam,

He robbed a bank in missoula,

and escaped to the Montana

wilderness on his Harley,

Now he's got enough money for

his dream project, a new meth


It was time to celebrate,

Cheap bourbon never tasted so




With his mug shot all over the

state by Now, it's not like

Cisco can Waltz back into town

for more booze,

Desperate enough to try anything

for a high, he turns to the only

thing he truly LOVES:

His Harley,

More specifically, the gas tank,

Gasoline is a pretty complex


It has 100 different

hydrocarbons in it, including

things like benzene and toluene,

which are very toxic,

But, um, this also includes


Cisco had heard that ethanol

is another name for alcohol,

He reasoned that since cars can

be fueled by booze, he could get

drunk off the gasoline in his


He was wrong,

The only high you'll get from

drinking gas is the one called


If one were to drink gasoline

to try and get the effects of

ethanol, what they would get

instead is, um, probably an

immediate response from their

stomach, as in vomiting,

Instead of a buzz, Cisco

feels like a buzz saw is Ripping

through his stomach,

He's finally getting it,

Gasoline is good for cars, not


robbing a bank... Bad idea,

Drinking gasoline... Even worse,

Puking his deadly firewater into

an open fire... The worst idea he

ever had,

One wonders if any of this ran

through Cisco's dim brain while

he was doing his best imitation

of a marshmallow,

Who cares?

One less meth-Dealing biker to

worry about,

meet hiroto and sakura,

Their love for each other was

without equal,

But they had a big problem,

After seven years of marriage,

they were still unable to

consummate their union,

And it's not like they didn't


They did,

Hundreds of times,

But it always ended the same

way... Both of them on the edge of

their bed, on the verge of

passing out from


The intensity of their feelings

frightened the young couple, and

they would always pull back and

hold off Sex for another day,

When I have couples come to

see me for counseling from

repressed cultures, I always

start them off with very gentle


And so within six weeks, they

are able to have sexual


But it leads up to it, it

doesn't all happen at once,



Then one day, hiroto came

home from work determined to

Seal the deal with his sweet


After a bottle of plum wine,

they were ready to give it

another shot,


this time, there was no

holding back,

Locked together as one, they

were heading to the promised


sadly, it was a case of too

much too soon,

The young couple locked eyes,

then passed out... Dead in their

lover's bed from heart attacks,

Not having sex for years can

have a negative effect on the

heart because the heart is not

used to it,

You know, you have to build up

your stamina,

It might've been their

special love had only a one-Way

door to ecstasy, because hiroto

and sakura hit the g-Spot

Bull's-eye, the big o, and died,

never to return from their

simultaneous, orgasmic Bliss,



But of all the 1,000 ways to

die, this one gets our highest



Number one,

When we come back...

nodding off leads to checking

out for one sleepy factory


and a woman with a weight

problem Should've waited before

trying the diet to die for,

Jake Basso was the ideal

metal worker... Punctual,

friendly, and thorough,




Hey, what's up, boy?

What's up, dude?

What's up, man?

Did I nod off again?

Dude, you were lights out,

man, But the lights were still

blinking up here,

Oh, man,

The only problem with Jake

was his narcolepsy, a paralyzing

sleep disorder that made Jake

fall asleep in the strangest


Well, narcolepsy is a sleep

disorder, and it's not a rare

one, it's about one or two cases

per 10,000, so in a large

country like America, there are

a fair number of people with it,

One day, Jake just picked the

wrong place to have an attack of


The big curing oven is used to

slowly bake powder-Coated

furniture, But for Jake it was a

warm and comfy cave to grab 40


his friend manny swung the big

door shut, having no clue that

Jake was inside,

He set the oven at 600 degrees

for 12 hours,

The sleeping Jake Went

unconscious from the gas fumes

in the oven before the real

damage could set in,

At 108 degrees, his brain begins

to die,

At 120, his skin burns through

and begins to crust,

By 213 degrees, his blood is


And at 572 degrees, the body

spontaneously combusts,



what would probably happen in

This case is if the oven was set

to turn on automatically, and

the person was sleeping in

there, in all likelihood, the

carbon monoxide knocked him out

and prevented him from waking

up, which is why he ended up

probably getting burned in this


12 hours at extreme

temperatures left Jake extra


Darlene had a problem...

She was fat,

She tried everything to lose


The cabbage diet,

The grapefruit diet,

Even the chocolate diet,

Nothing worked until...

I'm telling you, Louise, I

think I'm onto something, here,

I swallowed tapeworms,

tapeworms are one of the

classes of flatworms that are

entirely parasitic,

And they usually live as adults

in different types of

vertebrates... Reptiles and


Darlene had gone online and

ordered Tapeworm larva from


She swallowed it, and soon

enough her little diet friend

had set up shop in her small

intestine, and began feeding on

Anything Darlene ate,

It was a good deal,

The fatter the tapeworm grew,

the skinnier Darlene became,

I'm already down four dress


And counting!

You should totally try it,

You shouldn't consume any

worms... Any parasitic worms... for

the purposes of losing weight

because it's just not a good


Not a good strategy, unless

you wanna jeopardize your


Darlene's tapeworm grew to an

enormous length... Over 20 feet

long... and it was sucking the

very life out of its host,

but eventually the worm turned,

or reproduced, until Darlene's

body was completely infested

with tapeworms,

Not so good, actually,

I'm just not feeling so hot,

When the larvae do bore

through the intestinal wall, and

get distributed through the

circulatory system to the liver,

or the LUNGS, or even the brain,

it's going to affect the

function of one of those organs,

And it certainly has lead to

death of individuals,

How much did I lose?

60 pounds,

Darlene finally fit into a

size four dress,

Too bad she wore it at her


Darlene, are you okay?


Up next, drive-By


That's not cool,

And a fisherman throws his line

into the water, and goes


For high school rejects Luke

and Mickey, fame... Or infamy...

Was just a youtube video away,

Say hello to the world,


youtube style,

How you doin', world?


Today's webisode: "suburban


Let's do it,


They hit the street in search

of internet gold,

The boys didn't consider that

shooting people with a paintball

gun is just as illegal as

shooting them with a real gun,

And they kept shooting at

anything that moved,





Whoa, hold on, man,


Do you see that?

Stop, stop, stop,

But even the most basic

weapons of war require a bit of

mechanical know-How,

Look at the co2 tank,

Does it look right?


Does it look like it's on

there properly?

It's wobbly, man,

No, dude, those things are,

like, idiot-Proof,

The guns may be


you get that?


But these two idiots weren't,

I just don't want any of this

stuff to hit me in the face,

Dude, it'll be totally fine,

Totally fine,

Locked and loaded, the boys

were ready for the next scene of

"Suburban Slaughter,"

The art of the drive-By,

Easy target, right?

Luke lined up the shot,

unaware that Mickey was lined up

right behind his gun,

there is about 1,200 to 1,500

psi inside of a tank,

Each tank has a thread right on

top that actually screws into

the gun,

A lotta people don't really

check their threads on the

tanks, and it gets all rounded,

The thread snapped, turning

the tank into a self-Propelled


It crushed into Mickey's larynx

at 200 miles per hour, breaking

his scrawny neck,


Oh, my god,

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, I'm


Mickey, wake up,

Mi... Mickey!


Maybe it was a mechanical


Maybe it was Karma's way of

removing another Juvenile jerk

from the planet,

One thing is sure...

"Suburban Slaughter" Had a great


Mickey, Mickey!

What're you doing?


What are you...

He's dead!

I need help!

Randal is an electrician

with a short fuse,

To keep from overloading, he

spends his days off fishing,

It's the perfect therapy,

As long as he catches fish,


Guide my lure and bring me every

fish in this lake,

But today the only thing

Randal's catching is a massive




His main Circuit flips from

sane to psycho,

Come down here!


I'm not a fisherman!

I'm an electrician!

Randal's going to use all the

tools of his trade to bring in

his catch,

He'll need a power source,

So he taps into the county's

12,000 volt power lines,

There are actually fishing

techniques that use electricity,

I've actually seen this, where

fish were literally leaping

outta the water, right onto the

deck of the boat, trying to

escape the current that they

were feeling,

Next, he lays the Cable out

carefully and floats 100 feet of

live wire out to his killing


Hey, god!

You see this?


Finally, he completes the

circuit, and drops his megavolt

Trout trasher into the deep,

one by one, the fish go


But Randal isn't going to be

satisfied until he zaps every

last one of god's little


You lookin', god?

You see what you gave me?

Like most THINGS too good to

be True, it was,

Randal's high-Voltage fish FRYER

suddenly turns against the


I don't use no lure!

I don't have...


He shocked the bejesus out

of himself,

And he was literally paralyzed

and frozen 'cause none of his

nerves would work,

Because nerves Work via

electrical transfer,

The first time Randal

completed the electrical

circuit, the wooden bench

insulated him from terminal


But once his body touched the

electrified metal boat, his fate

was sealed,

Randal will be spending eternity

sleeping with the fishes,

An airline crash is many

peoples' worst nightmare,

For one couple, it turned into a

True Miracle,

with 175 people onboard, an

ethiopian airlines plane was

hijacked after takeoff, but

couldn't find a place to land,

Out of fuel, the pilots

attempted an ocean landing just

off the island of comoros,

When the plane hit the water,

it was like a 15-Mile-An-Hour

auto accident, then a 30-Mile-

An-Hour auto accident, then it

was like the worst thing I've

ever had, and then I went,

uh-Oh; I'm dead,

The plane hits the water at

over 200 miles per hour,

Passengers are killed as they

are thrown across the ocean,

On shore, dozens of sunbathers

witness the crash, and begin a

rescue effort, sifting through

the wreckage for signs of life,

It was surreal,

You've survived a major air

crash, and you wake up, and

you're floating in the water,

and the plane has disappeared,

and there's trash across the

water from the plane... a little

debris, and a handful of people

who survives, floating about,

As more people are found, the

death count reveals that one in

four passengers were dead,

It quickly becomes apparent that

survivors are few,

Franklin huddle and his wife

chanya were two of them,

I know what happens when big

planes go into the water...

Usually Everybody is killed,

In only one or two cases where,

you know, a major plane... This is

a 767 with 175 people aboard,

When they land in the water,

they usually kill everybody,

Over 120 people were killed

that day,

Why some survived and others did

not is still a mystery,

Probably we survived because

we got a good break from, uh,

whoever gives out the breaks in

our life,

Yeah, I cheated death,