1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 9 - Death Be Not Stupid - full transcript
1000 Ways to Die looks at the following cases: "#502 Gas-Hole" a biker dies after drinking the gasoline in his motorcycle and throwing up in a fire, "#1 Ichiboned" a repressed Japanese couple dies from heart attacks when they first make love, #518 Jake N' Baked" a narcoleptic dies after falling asleep in an industrial oven, "#734 Die It" a woman dies after using tapeworms as a diet aid, "#499 Pained Gun" a boy is killed when a paint ball gun explode into his throat, and "#283 Deadliest Catch" an electrician fishing with a power line electrocutes himself. It also talks to a survivor of the ocean crash of a hijacked Ethiopian airliner.
Life's a bitch, then you
marry one, then you die,
Like the drunk biker who passed
some gas out the wrong end,
Or the shyest couple in the
history of coupling,
How 'bout the guy who fell
asleep on the job...
and never woke up?
or the paintballer who went
Bye-Bye during a drive-By,
Or what about the lady who tried
a new tapeworm diet?
And then there's the guy in the
boat who was shocked to
discover...
I'm not a fisherman, I'm an
electrician!
After all this, one thing is
perfectly CLEAR:
Life will kill ya,
Death is everywhere,
Most of us try to avoid it,
others can't get out of its way,
Every day we fight a new war
against germs, toxins, injury,
illness, and catastrophe,
There's a lot of ways to wind up
dead,
The fact that we survive at all
is a Miracle,
Because every day we live, we
face 1,000 ways to die,
Cisco is on the Lam,
He robbed a bank in missoula,
and escaped to the Montana
wilderness on his Harley,
Now he's got enough money for
his dream project, a new meth
lab,
It was time to celebrate,
Cheap bourbon never tasted so
good,
aah!
Oops,
With his mug shot all over the
state by Now, it's not like
Cisco can Waltz back into town
for more booze,
Desperate enough to try anything
for a high, he turns to the only
thing he truly LOVES:
His Harley,
More specifically, the gas tank,
Gasoline is a pretty complex
mixture,
It has 100 different
hydrocarbons in it, including
things like benzene and toluene,
which are very toxic,
But, um, this also includes
ethanol,
Cisco had heard that ethanol
is another name for alcohol,
He reasoned that since cars can
be fueled by booze, he could get
drunk off the gasoline in his
Harley,
He was wrong,
The only high you'll get from
drinking gas is the one called
death,
If one were to drink gasoline
to try and get the effects of
ethanol, what they would get
instead is, um, probably an
immediate response from their
stomach, as in vomiting,
Instead of a buzz, Cisco
feels like a buzz saw is Ripping
through his stomach,
He's finally getting it,
Gasoline is good for cars, not
people,
robbing a bank... Bad idea,
Drinking gasoline... Even worse,
Puking his deadly firewater into
an open fire... The worst idea he
ever had,
One wonders if any of this ran
through Cisco's dim brain while
he was doing his best imitation
of a marshmallow,
Who cares?
One less meth-Dealing biker to
worry about,
meet hiroto and sakura,
Their love for each other was
without equal,
But they had a big problem,
After seven years of marriage,
they were still unable to
consummate their union,
And it's not like they didn't
try,
They did,
Hundreds of times,
But it always ended the same
way... Both of them on the edge of
their bed, on the verge of
passing out from
hyperventilating,
The intensity of their feelings
frightened the young couple, and
they would always pull back and
hold off Sex for another day,
When I have couples come to
see me for counseling from
repressed cultures, I always
start them off with very gentle
foreplay,
And so within six weeks, they
are able to have sexual
intercourse,
But it leads up to it, it
doesn't all happen at once,
Kanpai,
Kanpai,
Then one day, hiroto came
home from work determined to
Seal the deal with his sweet
sakura,
After a bottle of plum wine,
they were ready to give it
another shot,
Aah...
this time, there was no
holding back,
Locked together as one, they
were heading to the promised
land,
sadly, it was a case of too
much too soon,
The young couple locked eyes,
then passed out... Dead in their
lover's bed from heart attacks,
Not having sex for years can
have a negative effect on the
heart because the heart is not
used to it,
You know, you have to build up
your stamina,
It might've been their
special love had only a one-Way
door to ecstasy, because hiroto
and sakura hit the g-Spot
Bull's-eye, the big o, and died,
never to return from their
simultaneous, orgasmic Bliss,
Tragic?
Maybe,
But of all the 1,000 ways to
die, this one gets our highest
rating,
Ichiban,
Number one,
When we come back...
nodding off leads to checking
out for one sleepy factory
worker,
and a woman with a weight
problem Should've waited before
trying the diet to die for,
Jake Basso was the ideal
metal worker... Punctual,
friendly, and thorough,
Jake!
Jake!
Jake,
Hey, what's up, boy?
What's up, dude?
What's up, man?
Did I nod off again?
Dude, you were lights out,
man, But the lights were still
blinking up here,
Oh, man,
The only problem with Jake
was his narcolepsy, a paralyzing
sleep disorder that made Jake
fall asleep in the strangest
places,
Well, narcolepsy is a sleep
disorder, and it's not a rare
one, it's about one or two cases
per 10,000, so in a large
country like America, there are
a fair number of people with it,
One day, Jake just picked the
wrong place to have an attack of
narcolepsy,
The big curing oven is used to
slowly bake powder-Coated
furniture, But for Jake it was a
warm and comfy cave to grab 40
winks,
his friend manny swung the big
door shut, having no clue that
Jake was inside,
He set the oven at 600 degrees
for 12 hours,
The sleeping Jake Went
unconscious from the gas fumes
in the oven before the real
damage could set in,
At 108 degrees, his brain begins
to die,
At 120, his skin burns through
and begins to crust,
By 213 degrees, his blood is
boiling,
And at 572 degrees, the body
spontaneously combusts,
Whoo!
Whew,
what would probably happen in
This case is if the oven was set
to turn on automatically, and
the person was sleeping in
there, in all likelihood, the
carbon monoxide knocked him out
and prevented him from waking
up, which is why he ended up
probably getting burned in this
oven,
12 hours at extreme
temperatures left Jake extra
crispy,
Darlene had a problem...
She was fat,
She tried everything to lose
weight,
The cabbage diet,
The grapefruit diet,
Even the chocolate diet,
Nothing worked until...
I'm telling you, Louise, I
think I'm onto something, here,
I swallowed tapeworms,
tapeworms are one of the
classes of flatworms that are
entirely parasitic,
And they usually live as adults
in different types of
vertebrates... Reptiles and
mammals,
Darlene had gone online and
ordered Tapeworm larva from
venezuela,
She swallowed it, and soon
enough her little diet friend
had set up shop in her small
intestine, and began feeding on
Anything Darlene ate,
It was a good deal,
The fatter the tapeworm grew,
the skinnier Darlene became,
I'm already down four dress
sizes,
And counting!
You should totally try it,
You shouldn't consume any
worms... Any parasitic worms... for
the purposes of losing weight
because it's just not a good
strategy,
Not a good strategy, unless
you wanna jeopardize your
health,
Darlene's tapeworm grew to an
enormous length... Over 20 feet
long... and it was sucking the
very life out of its host,
but eventually the worm turned,
or reproduced, until Darlene's
body was completely infested
with tapeworms,
Not so good, actually,
I'm just not feeling so hot,
When the larvae do bore
through the intestinal wall, and
get distributed through the
circulatory system to the liver,
or the LUNGS, or even the brain,
it's going to affect the
function of one of those organs,
And it certainly has lead to
death of individuals,
How much did I lose?
60 pounds,
Darlene finally fit into a
size four dress,
Too bad she wore it at her
funeral,
Darlene, are you okay?
Darlene,
Up next, drive-By
paintballing,
That's not cool,
And a fisherman throws his line
into the water, and goes
belly-up,
For high school rejects Luke
and Mickey, fame... Or infamy...
Was just a youtube video away,
Say hello to the world,
Waa...
youtube style,
How you doin', world?
Mm-Hmm,
Today's webisode: "suburban
Slaughter,"
Let's do it,
whoo!
They hit the street in search
of internet gold,
The boys didn't consider that
shooting people with a paintball
gun is just as illegal as
shooting them with a real gun,
And they kept shooting at
anything that moved,
Hey!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Whoa, hold on, man,
What?
Do you see that?
Stop, stop, stop,
But even the most basic
weapons of war require a bit of
mechanical know-How,
Look at the co2 tank,
Does it look right?
What?
Does it look like it's on
there properly?
It's wobbly, man,
No, dude, those things are,
like, idiot-Proof,
The guns may be
idiot-Proof...
you get that?
Mm-Hmm?
But these two idiots weren't,
I just don't want any of this
stuff to hit me in the face,
Dude, it'll be totally fine,
Totally fine,
Locked and loaded, the boys
were ready for the next scene of
"Suburban Slaughter,"
The art of the drive-By,
Easy target, right?
Luke lined up the shot,
unaware that Mickey was lined up
right behind his gun,
there is about 1,200 to 1,500
psi inside of a tank,
Each tank has a thread right on
top that actually screws into
the gun,
A lotta people don't really
check their threads on the
tanks, and it gets all rounded,
The thread snapped, turning
the tank into a self-Propelled
missile,
It crushed into Mickey's larynx
at 200 miles per hour, breaking
his scrawny neck,
Mickey,
Oh, my god,
Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, I'm
sorry,
Mickey, wake up,
Mi... Mickey!
Mickey!
Maybe it was a mechanical
failure,
Maybe it was Karma's way of
removing another Juvenile jerk
from the planet,
One thing is sure...
"Suburban Slaughter" Had a great
ending,
Mickey, Mickey!
What're you doing?
Stop!
What are you...
He's dead!
I need help!
Randal is an electrician
with a short fuse,
To keep from overloading, he
spends his days off fishing,
It's the perfect therapy,
As long as he catches fish,
Aah,
Guide my lure and bring me every
fish in this lake,
But today the only thing
Randal's catching is a massive
migraine,
Yaaah!
Yaa!
His main Circuit flips from
sane to psycho,
Come down here!
Yaah!
I'm not a fisherman!
I'm an electrician!
Randal's going to use all the
tools of his trade to bring in
his catch,
He'll need a power source,
So he taps into the county's
12,000 volt power lines,
There are actually fishing
techniques that use electricity,
I've actually seen this, where
fish were literally leaping
outta the water, right onto the
deck of the boat, trying to
escape the current that they
were feeling,
Next, he lays the Cable out
carefully and floats 100 feet of
live wire out to his killing
ground,
Hey, god!
You see this?
Huh?
Finally, he completes the
circuit, and drops his megavolt
Trout trasher into the deep,
one by one, the fish go
belly-up,
But Randal isn't going to be
satisfied until he zaps every
last one of god's little
fishies,
You lookin', god?
You see what you gave me?
Like most THINGS too good to
be True, it was,
Randal's high-Voltage fish FRYER
suddenly turns against the
fisherman,
I don't use no lure!
I don't have...
Yaah!
He shocked the bejesus out
of himself,
And he was literally paralyzed
and frozen 'cause none of his
nerves would work,
Because nerves Work via
electrical transfer,
The first time Randal
completed the electrical
circuit, the wooden bench
insulated him from terminal
shock,
But once his body touched the
electrified metal boat, his fate
was sealed,
Randal will be spending eternity
sleeping with the fishes,
An airline crash is many
peoples' worst nightmare,
For one couple, it turned into a
True Miracle,
with 175 people onboard, an
ethiopian airlines plane was
hijacked after takeoff, but
couldn't find a place to land,
Out of fuel, the pilots
attempted an ocean landing just
off the island of comoros,
When the plane hit the water,
it was like a 15-Mile-An-Hour
auto accident, then a 30-Mile-
An-Hour auto accident, then it
was like the worst thing I've
ever had, and then I went,
uh-Oh; I'm dead,
The plane hits the water at
over 200 miles per hour,
Passengers are killed as they
are thrown across the ocean,
On shore, dozens of sunbathers
witness the crash, and begin a
rescue effort, sifting through
the wreckage for signs of life,
It was surreal,
You've survived a major air
crash, and you wake up, and
you're floating in the water,
and the plane has disappeared,
and there's trash across the
water from the plane... a little
debris, and a handful of people
who survives, floating about,
As more people are found, the
death count reveals that one in
four passengers were dead,
It quickly becomes apparent that
survivors are few,
Franklin huddle and his wife
chanya were two of them,
I know what happens when big
planes go into the water...
Usually Everybody is killed,
In only one or two cases where,
you know, a major plane... This is
a 767 with 175 people aboard,
When they land in the water,
they usually kill everybody,
Over 120 people were killed
that day,
Why some survived and others did
not is still a mystery,
Probably we survived because
we got a good break from, uh,
whoever gives out the breaks in
our life,
Yeah, I cheated death,
marry one, then you die,
Like the drunk biker who passed
some gas out the wrong end,
Or the shyest couple in the
history of coupling,
How 'bout the guy who fell
asleep on the job...
and never woke up?
or the paintballer who went
Bye-Bye during a drive-By,
Or what about the lady who tried
a new tapeworm diet?
And then there's the guy in the
boat who was shocked to
discover...
I'm not a fisherman, I'm an
electrician!
After all this, one thing is
perfectly CLEAR:
Life will kill ya,
Death is everywhere,
Most of us try to avoid it,
others can't get out of its way,
Every day we fight a new war
against germs, toxins, injury,
illness, and catastrophe,
There's a lot of ways to wind up
dead,
The fact that we survive at all
is a Miracle,
Because every day we live, we
face 1,000 ways to die,
Cisco is on the Lam,
He robbed a bank in missoula,
and escaped to the Montana
wilderness on his Harley,
Now he's got enough money for
his dream project, a new meth
lab,
It was time to celebrate,
Cheap bourbon never tasted so
good,
aah!
Oops,
With his mug shot all over the
state by Now, it's not like
Cisco can Waltz back into town
for more booze,
Desperate enough to try anything
for a high, he turns to the only
thing he truly LOVES:
His Harley,
More specifically, the gas tank,
Gasoline is a pretty complex
mixture,
It has 100 different
hydrocarbons in it, including
things like benzene and toluene,
which are very toxic,
But, um, this also includes
ethanol,
Cisco had heard that ethanol
is another name for alcohol,
He reasoned that since cars can
be fueled by booze, he could get
drunk off the gasoline in his
Harley,
He was wrong,
The only high you'll get from
drinking gas is the one called
death,
If one were to drink gasoline
to try and get the effects of
ethanol, what they would get
instead is, um, probably an
immediate response from their
stomach, as in vomiting,
Instead of a buzz, Cisco
feels like a buzz saw is Ripping
through his stomach,
He's finally getting it,
Gasoline is good for cars, not
people,
robbing a bank... Bad idea,
Drinking gasoline... Even worse,
Puking his deadly firewater into
an open fire... The worst idea he
ever had,
One wonders if any of this ran
through Cisco's dim brain while
he was doing his best imitation
of a marshmallow,
Who cares?
One less meth-Dealing biker to
worry about,
meet hiroto and sakura,
Their love for each other was
without equal,
But they had a big problem,
After seven years of marriage,
they were still unable to
consummate their union,
And it's not like they didn't
try,
They did,
Hundreds of times,
But it always ended the same
way... Both of them on the edge of
their bed, on the verge of
passing out from
hyperventilating,
The intensity of their feelings
frightened the young couple, and
they would always pull back and
hold off Sex for another day,
When I have couples come to
see me for counseling from
repressed cultures, I always
start them off with very gentle
foreplay,
And so within six weeks, they
are able to have sexual
intercourse,
But it leads up to it, it
doesn't all happen at once,
Kanpai,
Kanpai,
Then one day, hiroto came
home from work determined to
Seal the deal with his sweet
sakura,
After a bottle of plum wine,
they were ready to give it
another shot,
Aah...
this time, there was no
holding back,
Locked together as one, they
were heading to the promised
land,
sadly, it was a case of too
much too soon,
The young couple locked eyes,
then passed out... Dead in their
lover's bed from heart attacks,
Not having sex for years can
have a negative effect on the
heart because the heart is not
used to it,
You know, you have to build up
your stamina,
It might've been their
special love had only a one-Way
door to ecstasy, because hiroto
and sakura hit the g-Spot
Bull's-eye, the big o, and died,
never to return from their
simultaneous, orgasmic Bliss,
Tragic?
Maybe,
But of all the 1,000 ways to
die, this one gets our highest
rating,
Ichiban,
Number one,
When we come back...
nodding off leads to checking
out for one sleepy factory
worker,
and a woman with a weight
problem Should've waited before
trying the diet to die for,
Jake Basso was the ideal
metal worker... Punctual,
friendly, and thorough,
Jake!
Jake!
Jake,
Hey, what's up, boy?
What's up, dude?
What's up, man?
Did I nod off again?
Dude, you were lights out,
man, But the lights were still
blinking up here,
Oh, man,
The only problem with Jake
was his narcolepsy, a paralyzing
sleep disorder that made Jake
fall asleep in the strangest
places,
Well, narcolepsy is a sleep
disorder, and it's not a rare
one, it's about one or two cases
per 10,000, so in a large
country like America, there are
a fair number of people with it,
One day, Jake just picked the
wrong place to have an attack of
narcolepsy,
The big curing oven is used to
slowly bake powder-Coated
furniture, But for Jake it was a
warm and comfy cave to grab 40
winks,
his friend manny swung the big
door shut, having no clue that
Jake was inside,
He set the oven at 600 degrees
for 12 hours,
The sleeping Jake Went
unconscious from the gas fumes
in the oven before the real
damage could set in,
At 108 degrees, his brain begins
to die,
At 120, his skin burns through
and begins to crust,
By 213 degrees, his blood is
boiling,
And at 572 degrees, the body
spontaneously combusts,
Whoo!
Whew,
what would probably happen in
This case is if the oven was set
to turn on automatically, and
the person was sleeping in
there, in all likelihood, the
carbon monoxide knocked him out
and prevented him from waking
up, which is why he ended up
probably getting burned in this
oven,
12 hours at extreme
temperatures left Jake extra
crispy,
Darlene had a problem...
She was fat,
She tried everything to lose
weight,
The cabbage diet,
The grapefruit diet,
Even the chocolate diet,
Nothing worked until...
I'm telling you, Louise, I
think I'm onto something, here,
I swallowed tapeworms,
tapeworms are one of the
classes of flatworms that are
entirely parasitic,
And they usually live as adults
in different types of
vertebrates... Reptiles and
mammals,
Darlene had gone online and
ordered Tapeworm larva from
venezuela,
She swallowed it, and soon
enough her little diet friend
had set up shop in her small
intestine, and began feeding on
Anything Darlene ate,
It was a good deal,
The fatter the tapeworm grew,
the skinnier Darlene became,
I'm already down four dress
sizes,
And counting!
You should totally try it,
You shouldn't consume any
worms... Any parasitic worms... for
the purposes of losing weight
because it's just not a good
strategy,
Not a good strategy, unless
you wanna jeopardize your
health,
Darlene's tapeworm grew to an
enormous length... Over 20 feet
long... and it was sucking the
very life out of its host,
but eventually the worm turned,
or reproduced, until Darlene's
body was completely infested
with tapeworms,
Not so good, actually,
I'm just not feeling so hot,
When the larvae do bore
through the intestinal wall, and
get distributed through the
circulatory system to the liver,
or the LUNGS, or even the brain,
it's going to affect the
function of one of those organs,
And it certainly has lead to
death of individuals,
How much did I lose?
60 pounds,
Darlene finally fit into a
size four dress,
Too bad she wore it at her
funeral,
Darlene, are you okay?
Darlene,
Up next, drive-By
paintballing,
That's not cool,
And a fisherman throws his line
into the water, and goes
belly-up,
For high school rejects Luke
and Mickey, fame... Or infamy...
Was just a youtube video away,
Say hello to the world,
Waa...
youtube style,
How you doin', world?
Mm-Hmm,
Today's webisode: "suburban
Slaughter,"
Let's do it,
whoo!
They hit the street in search
of internet gold,
The boys didn't consider that
shooting people with a paintball
gun is just as illegal as
shooting them with a real gun,
And they kept shooting at
anything that moved,
Hey!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Whoa, hold on, man,
What?
Do you see that?
Stop, stop, stop,
But even the most basic
weapons of war require a bit of
mechanical know-How,
Look at the co2 tank,
Does it look right?
What?
Does it look like it's on
there properly?
It's wobbly, man,
No, dude, those things are,
like, idiot-Proof,
The guns may be
idiot-Proof...
you get that?
Mm-Hmm?
But these two idiots weren't,
I just don't want any of this
stuff to hit me in the face,
Dude, it'll be totally fine,
Totally fine,
Locked and loaded, the boys
were ready for the next scene of
"Suburban Slaughter,"
The art of the drive-By,
Easy target, right?
Luke lined up the shot,
unaware that Mickey was lined up
right behind his gun,
there is about 1,200 to 1,500
psi inside of a tank,
Each tank has a thread right on
top that actually screws into
the gun,
A lotta people don't really
check their threads on the
tanks, and it gets all rounded,
The thread snapped, turning
the tank into a self-Propelled
missile,
It crushed into Mickey's larynx
at 200 miles per hour, breaking
his scrawny neck,
Mickey,
Oh, my god,
Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, I'm
sorry,
Mickey, wake up,
Mi... Mickey!
Mickey!
Maybe it was a mechanical
failure,
Maybe it was Karma's way of
removing another Juvenile jerk
from the planet,
One thing is sure...
"Suburban Slaughter" Had a great
ending,
Mickey, Mickey!
What're you doing?
Stop!
What are you...
He's dead!
I need help!
Randal is an electrician
with a short fuse,
To keep from overloading, he
spends his days off fishing,
It's the perfect therapy,
As long as he catches fish,
Aah,
Guide my lure and bring me every
fish in this lake,
But today the only thing
Randal's catching is a massive
migraine,
Yaaah!
Yaa!
His main Circuit flips from
sane to psycho,
Come down here!
Yaah!
I'm not a fisherman!
I'm an electrician!
Randal's going to use all the
tools of his trade to bring in
his catch,
He'll need a power source,
So he taps into the county's
12,000 volt power lines,
There are actually fishing
techniques that use electricity,
I've actually seen this, where
fish were literally leaping
outta the water, right onto the
deck of the boat, trying to
escape the current that they
were feeling,
Next, he lays the Cable out
carefully and floats 100 feet of
live wire out to his killing
ground,
Hey, god!
You see this?
Huh?
Finally, he completes the
circuit, and drops his megavolt
Trout trasher into the deep,
one by one, the fish go
belly-up,
But Randal isn't going to be
satisfied until he zaps every
last one of god's little
fishies,
You lookin', god?
You see what you gave me?
Like most THINGS too good to
be True, it was,
Randal's high-Voltage fish FRYER
suddenly turns against the
fisherman,
I don't use no lure!
I don't have...
Yaah!
He shocked the bejesus out
of himself,
And he was literally paralyzed
and frozen 'cause none of his
nerves would work,
Because nerves Work via
electrical transfer,
The first time Randal
completed the electrical
circuit, the wooden bench
insulated him from terminal
shock,
But once his body touched the
electrified metal boat, his fate
was sealed,
Randal will be spending eternity
sleeping with the fishes,
An airline crash is many
peoples' worst nightmare,
For one couple, it turned into a
True Miracle,
with 175 people onboard, an
ethiopian airlines plane was
hijacked after takeoff, but
couldn't find a place to land,
Out of fuel, the pilots
attempted an ocean landing just
off the island of comoros,
When the plane hit the water,
it was like a 15-Mile-An-Hour
auto accident, then a 30-Mile-
An-Hour auto accident, then it
was like the worst thing I've
ever had, and then I went,
uh-Oh; I'm dead,
The plane hits the water at
over 200 miles per hour,
Passengers are killed as they
are thrown across the ocean,
On shore, dozens of sunbathers
witness the crash, and begin a
rescue effort, sifting through
the wreckage for signs of life,
It was surreal,
You've survived a major air
crash, and you wake up, and
you're floating in the water,
and the plane has disappeared,
and there's trash across the
water from the plane... a little
debris, and a handful of people
who survives, floating about,
As more people are found, the
death count reveals that one in
four passengers were dead,
It quickly becomes apparent that
survivors are few,
Franklin huddle and his wife
chanya were two of them,
I know what happens when big
planes go into the water...
Usually Everybody is killed,
In only one or two cases where,
you know, a major plane... This is
a 767 with 175 people aboard,
When they land in the water,
they usually kill everybody,
Over 120 people were killed
that day,
Why some survived and others did
not is still a mystery,
Probably we survived because
we got a good break from, uh,
whoever gives out the breaks in
our life,
Yeah, I cheated death,